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Posted: February 7, 2018, 9:45 AM
Well it happened as we feared. While at work, our 21 year old became intoxicated and got into a physical altercation with our 25 year old son and 23 year old daughter in our home. After punching our 25 year old in the head and eventually smashing the front window of our daughter's car in driveway, police were called and he weas arrested. Our two oldest have been granted peramanent restraining orders on their brother (for 1 year) and we have decided not bail him out of jail while awaiting trial for his misdemeanor. It has been 4 weeks and we are not answering his phone calls from prison as we are still too upset, despondent to speak with him. As I understand, he may have to sit in prison for up to 6 months before his trial. What i would like to see happen is for him to receive a court mandated rehab stint and probation. Not to mention, we cannot allow him to live in our home again. Thank you in advance for any advice you can pass along as we obviously are having a very difficult time dealing with this. Rod
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Posted: February 7, 2018, 1:23 PM
I am sorry this happened but there is often nothing you can do to avoid a bad outcome. They just do not seem to see or care that they are hurting people around them. They get on a downward spiral that is hard to stop ... you can't stay home and watch him all day. It may be a good thing that his behavior has forced change. We bailed our son out of all kinds of problems for many years. He is midthirties and the problems have just gotten bigger and more. We should have let him suffer the consequences of his actions when he was your son's age or younger. Our son could always come to us so he saw no reason to change. Now he is a grown man that is unable to care for himself. We did get to a point where he could no longer live with us. He was destructive and his behavior was very unpredictable. His behavior increasing got worse until we were actually afraid of him and could no longer take his verbal abuse. I think you are doing the right thing. It is not easy to let them suffer the consequences. Maybe the court will order drug rehab. Whatever happens your family needs the distance to have a normal life.
Eventually your son will get out of jail. If he is like mine, he may feel entitled to your help and try to force the issue. That is when it gets really hard, when you have to make them to stay away and they try to force you to maintain the past behaviors (yours and theirs). You have to learn to say 'no' and may be calling the police again. Remember the last time he climbed in your window. He will get inside if he is determined. Even with a restraining order, for some reason they think the laws and rules don't pertain to them. -------------------- BUGS | ||
Posted: February 7, 2018, 8:37 PM
Rod, I have no answers for these very, very heart-breaking and powerless situations!! I just wanted to tell you that I feel for you and your family. Please keep sharing and reaching out. We all understand and have been in similar situations.
Unfortunately, at this point, in his shape, you have to put yourself and your other children first. I hope he gets some help in jail. Clearly, he is a danger to others and needs to be locked up for now. Things have changed. These new drugs are making kids very volatile in a way I don't think we saw when I was younger. Wishing you some amount of serenity tonight. | ||
Posted: February 8, 2018, 10:24 AM
Again, thank yoiu for all of your advice and support. Today I am feeling bitter and cynical. Probably the grieving cycle.
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Posted: February 8, 2018, 11:12 AM
There are so many emotions involved in the parent / child relationship. It gets especially crazy when things are bad and we have to make hard, unimaginable decisions. Sometimes I feel like a ping pong ball and never know how I will feel on any given day. I think this is normal. I had a counselor for awhile which helped. This discussion board has helped since everyone has been through it and understands. It is difficult to cope with everything ... we are pulled in so many directions ... even when our kids (addicts) are not yanking our chains.
-------------------- BUGS | ||
Posted: February 8, 2018, 7:09 PM
Could not agree more. Yesterday it was all I could to get up and shower before heading to work. I get SO very tired of what feels like a never ending grief cycle. As John Denver said, some days are diamonds, some days are stones. Please keep reaching in any direction that gives you some peace. It is all we get! Libby
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