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Posted: November 13, 2015, 8:27 AM
51mg
Well go down again today... I'm not working right now so I've gotten in the habit of napping daily. I think this habit has maybe messed up my sleep cycle. I was watching the news on the treadmill yesterday and saw a news clip about that. I mean I'm sleeping six hours a night from 9pm to 3am now. Ha ha, that's crazy, but it's what it is. Because I'm able I'm tempted to nap a bit in the afternoon because it feels so good. Well, I'm going to surrender and be grateful I have a roof over my head, food, gym, car, and everything I need. We'll see how this week fairs against last week. I'm planning on jumping to sub's at 49mg so I'll only have one more drop after this one. I have a doctors appointment the Monday after next when i'm going to ask for something to help me through the transition for my anxiety levels. | ||
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Posted: November 13, 2015, 10:02 AM
51mg
Ok, I talked to the nurse. She said it's catching up to me the drops in mg's. This morning I was sweating again waiting to get my dose and not feeling perfect. After I get my dose it hits me right away and I feel relief. I'm going to have to come to acceptance of these feelings and this process. How my body is feeling I must mentally accept and embrace it. I can't fight it or want to relieve it in some way, which is my instinct. God bless all of you who are trying this very doable, but challenging task of getting off methadone!!! | ||
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Posted: November 14, 2015, 9:01 AM
51mg
I wonder how many people of the over 30,000 at CRC methadone clinics work. I have worked all my life, but since heroin and methadone I've been unemployed for over 7 years. I've had jobs about 4 to 5 months out of the year maybe more, but that's it. Any way the methadone has been hard on my sleeping over time. What I mean is I have been in a multiple sleep/wake cycle in a 24 hour period for a long time now. I never have had that until I've been on methadone. God willing I get off the done someday and return to a normal human one sleep/wake cycle a day. | ||
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Posted: November 14, 2015, 9:38 AM
Jason you will get there I am on day 96 off the done and everyday gets a little better. It all averages out some days you will feel great others you feel just a little but its all positive. It's going to be hard but you can do it and remember give it all to God!!
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Posted: November 15, 2015, 12:33 AM
So happy to hear of your success. Wish I felt good. Started using pills after my mom died10. years ago. Was using up to 10you 80mg oxys a day. Tried rehab a few times and failed, went on methadone a few times only to use on top of that. Left my family, lots of drama, as everything good went down the toilet. Started shooting h and continued further down. Was skating around my probation and my p.o. finally caught up withme.Got put into drug court, back on methadone and after a few months of relapses and dirty ua's, I last used h on May 4, 2014. Haven't touched it since. Been on a slow methadone taper starting from 85mg and as of today, am down to 11mg, going down 1mg a week.
My problem is the depression. Was on citalopram, didn't work. Tried lamotrigine, made me go nuts. Now on 20mg prozac and I don't feel any different. Can't get off couch, want to sleep all the time, not happy, no hope and have all my eggs in one basket hoping life will change when I'm finally off methadone. Have some anxiety. Almost wished I had more, at least I would be able to get up and move so I could stay ahead of it. Not suicidal but think of it all the time. Something has to be better than this. The only thing I'm accomplishing is staying clean and tapering my methadone. I'm in hell. | ||
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Posted: November 15, 2015, 7:41 AM
51mg
Wow, that's good you are down that low. Before I was on Zoloft and down so low on methadone I was so depressed it was amazing. I was thinking about suicide all the time. I was looking it up on the internet even. Since getting on Zoloft I haven't even thought of it and I've been working out a lot and eating well, reading a lot, going to church, aa etc. I'm grateful I'm not having to work full time to barely make it by right now. I don't think i'd be able to take it. Getting off methadone and incorporating positive things into your daily life is critical. Also, I mentioned above I have been reading the mind power book and turning to God. Well, my thinking has a lot to do with how I'm feeling. I have had a good career before my entire life making over 100,000 a year, but I know that's not an answer to anything. During that time I was drinking and drugging and going to work anyway! I lost my job in the recession and I went on one for 6 years after and spent my life savings. But, I did get saved. I keep saying to myself, I would never be able to do this without my faith. Meaning live life sober and be in all reality. That's because my entire life since I was 13 I didn't live in reality. I mean I did, but I just couldn't wait for the next bender or high:)... I lived for sex, drugs, and excitement. Life changes so much once you start the transition that it can be depressing. I also think coming down from methadone once you have been on so long effects the body chemistry so much it causes depression and anxiety. My sleep is really messed up now I've gone down 3 weeks in a row. I'm still going down such little it's amazing it's even effecting me at all. I've been up at 2am every morning plus I decided to quit napping at all and sure enough it didn't matter i'm up early as hell. I did fall out at 8:30pm, so I suppose i'm fine. But, i'm on a real weird schedule that I have accept. Sorry to hear about your Mom. I have lost most of my immediate family now. If I didn't have faith in God's promises I wouldn't have the heart to press on. I mean all the things that I use to live for, (sex, money, cars, drugs/alk, excitement) doesn't have the same pull on me anymore. I suppose it's like that old song by John Cougar Melencamp that would say Jack and Diane... Fighting this fight of getting of Methadone is huge. Don't full yourself you are doing something. Only 28 percent of so ever get to zero that begin the process. | ||
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Posted: November 16, 2015, 8:28 AM
51mg
Yesterday I was in a bad mood actually. Started getting frustrated with things and actually had a thought of using for a moment. That's pretty bad... Not bad, but I haven't even thought of it in awhile. I mean like actual think about doing it. The doctor put my on a statin for my high cholesterol that I quit taking because I think it was messing with my sleep. I took that Zoloft in the evening and didn't take the statin last night. I went to be at 10pm and up at 3am, but not with the same anxiety ridden body. I couldn't continue to sleep, but at least my body wasn't screaming inside my skin like before. Not much to report just that I wish this entire process could be a lot quicker and easier. I hate methadone a lot because it's really wrecked my entire manhood (i.e. Testosterone). It's also made it impossible for me to work normally with the sweating that I have. It also effected my natural motivation and overall mood. I hate the clinic and that whole thing also. It's just way to much to deal with and have a normal functioning life like a normal person. Have to trust in God everyday and that He has good plans for my life so long as I keep taking the right steps. I want everything now and I want to feel good now. Got to realize that all good things take hard work, patience, commitment etc... | ||
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Posted: November 16, 2015, 2:07 PM
That's the frustrating part Jason. Getting off the h and pills, looking back was actually the easy part. This hell I've endured trying to taper the methadone, the clinic, no motivation, no energy, not feeling like myself at all. I keep hoping that once I'm off the methadone that I will eventually get back to normal. I'm so scared that I never will. But you know, what was my alternative at the time? Die being a junky? No way!! I'm not going out like that. God has brought me this far....weird thing is I have no desire to use or even drink. Quit smoking too. I can see for most why people relapse and are not able to get off this stuff. This has been the battle of my life. I can't take the easy way out, I'm not spending eternity in hell, so I could continue ro endure thus hell I'm in. It's hard to have gratitude when each day is a struggle. Hang in there, sometimes that's all you can do. It helps to hear that you're not alone. There has to be a reason I choose not to use again and I pray to God for the patience to keep on keeping on.
I hope you have a better day. Know you're not alone. | ||
Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: November 16, 2015, 8:00 PM
"I pray to God for the patience to keep on keeping on." Sarah: I have found over the years that a prayer like that bore the best results if I was saying it while walking to my NA/AA meeting. All the best. Bob R -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
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Posted: November 17, 2015, 10:28 AM
51mg
Well you ave made it far! I had to wait in line 40mins today again. The clinic is fully staffed and it will never change. I asked the nurse today if they are trying to hire and she explained they aren't... I refuse to be strapped to that place any longer. People losing month carries because of one bottle loss. Watching people put on rapid detox plans because they are a little behind in payment. Watching young kids in there signing up the long haul and not knowing what they are doing. Being forced to pee in front of strange men staring right at my p****. Not being able to live a normal life going on vacation. I can't get my old work because I travel 50% of the time so that's out. Gained 40lbs and can hardly lose it, i'm eating great and excersising. Testosterone is wrecked and have to take shots. Depression for the first time in my life and now on Zoloft. Driving every morning an hour to get dose(gas) and then forking over 420.00 in cash every month. Working with counselors who overall have been pretty poor. I'm tired of it and refuse to live my life controlled by that clinic. Never would they be in business making people wait 40mins in line every morning if they weren't addicted to methadone. Thanks for hearing me vent. I'm grateful for my frustration because it's driving me. Yesterday I didn't feel very good. I felt a little depressed and of course I thought of using. But, the pull is very weak now. It's just not worth it any more I don't want it. I don't want to drink at all any more and was an alky for a LONG time. God bless you all... Oh, I've been in AA since I was 12 years old. I went to treatment then for two months and had to do AA. AA doesn't keep a man sober, there has to be a change from within. I believe the less that 5% who stay in AA have experienced that change. I believe it's from having enough and hitting a true bottom. AA in the surrounding cities here have remained the same for 10 years with the same group of people. I know all the meetings and people. | ||
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Posted: November 18, 2015, 9:52 AM
51mg
Feel good this morning and my nerves weren't on edge today. I was in a huge line at clinic and felt just normal. Listening to people in line today made me realize how much I've changed in the past 6 years. I'm don't think i'm better than by any means just that I've changed in my thinking. I've also changed in my heart with regards to so many things. Maybe this long drawn out methadone taper is what it took for me to really not want to ever go back. Actually, I got saved 7 years ago or so and I know this was God's plan for me. I'm excited to keep fighting the good fight and the morning I wake up from a good sleep happy and don't have to dose is going to be amazing. It will come I know it. | ||
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Posted: November 19, 2015, 9:59 AM
51mg 49mg tomorrow...
211 lbs! Well this is my last drop tomorrow before I do the transfer. So long as my GP agrees to help me for 6 days with a mild benzo. There is no reason he shouldn't and I have supporting documentation for it poste above. I see my methadone doctor today to drum up support from him. Then on Monday I see my GP and having prior support from my methadone doctor I hope that he will prescribe it for me. I mean I could easily get it myself to support me through it, but I'm living my life the right way now. I could be using like mad if I wanted I have plenty of dough. I'm just done all together. You would have to strangle me to get me to use again. The counsequeses are just to great in my mind and heart now. I don't want to detox ever again in my life. I can't even take another hangover from drinking. I'm worn out I guess you could say. Now I just get a bunch of sugar foods to satisfy that part of my personality. I'm eating really well and working out 5 days a week. The working out is really helping me. I'm losing weight and feel good about going everyday. | ||
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Posted: November 21, 2015, 8:47 AM
49mg
211 lbs When I was on 140mg of methadone I was weighing in at 230 lbs. I'm down from 219 when I started eating better and exercising. Now I'm down to 211.5. I hate being so over weight. I'm in really good shape at 190 lbs. I'm excited that I'm on the journey back to having a normal body and not one that i'm self conscious of. I just couldn't get use to wearing size 38 jeans and xl tees and still see side handles. Going to the beach in the summer I was embarrassed of being so big. I mean I beared the belly with courage and all, but inside I didn't feel good about myself. Feel good this morning except I went to bed at midnight and was up at 3:30 like clock work... Two weeks from today will be day one of going into withdrawl to do the subutex transfer. I can't believe I've made it this far. I thank God because I know His plans are good for me! | ||
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Posted: November 22, 2015, 9:04 AM
49mg
I feel good this morning. I took a day off from lifting and cardio and I think that helped. Sometimes, like using, I go pretty hard at what I'm focused on:) Going to Church this morning and watching football also. | ||
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Posted: November 22, 2015, 9:20 AM
Jason just wanted to share with you what kinda hit me last night.
So something really struck me tonight. I started to exercise 4-5 days per week starting almost 2 years ago. I love to go to the gym, exercise helps with stress and trust me in the current state of the oilfield stress comes often. But seriously exercise gives me energy and builds muscle. Well to continue to maintain the muscle you have built up and then endurance from doing cardio you have to keep exercising. But what about exercising our spiritual body?? We must consistently stay in God's Word and build up our spiritual muscles even more than our physical ones. We must remember that if we are not going to grow our relationship with Christ then what's the point of building the physical. God says in Matthew 24:35 Heaven and earth will pass away but My words will never pass away!! | ||
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Posted: November 23, 2015, 11:29 AM
49mg
Yes, I've been reading my bible everyday, went to church yesterday, and pray a lot. Last night I was up at midnight and didn't nap the day before and had been up at 4am on Saturday morning. I was up couldn't sleep and took few baths and made some tea. I laid down and prayed to God hard. I shared with him my frustration about my sleeping. I asked for more rest... I fell back asleep from 3am to 5:30! I feel good now after dosing and I have noticed how music is really enjoyable to me again. I mean it's moving my spirit like it always use to do. From being on 140mg for so long then dropping ect. etc. I noticed things that I use to enjoy I tried to but couldn't. I'm going to be sure to build up my spiritual muscle! I know as a fact it's the only way I'm going to make it through this process. Mojo - You getting off methadone and staying clean for as long as you have is nothing short of a miracle in my mind. I believe that because I know it takes a strength greater than just ourselves to do. That's why most people never even get to 0mg's and even fewer stay clean. I thank God for the faith I have, but I have to do my part and stay in the word, church, and prayer. This week I'm going to go to Celebrate Recovery. I don't want to go, but I'm going to force myself to go. It will be another thing to add to my schedule that's positive. The working physical working out has been also really good for me. I've lost a lot of weight already and am feeling better about myself. My face is even thinning out already a bit. This summer is going to be the best summer in a long time! I'm going to be in excellent shape spiritually, physically, and mentally! I feel like now that I'm down so low I'm coming alive again. I'm starting to have motivation and strong hope and excitement that I can do anything with my future. I'm smart, handsome, good personality, kind, compassionate, and loving:) Just doing my daily affirmations...What we speak into the world and ourselves has great power! Also, when you really believe what you are speaking it becomes reality. | ||
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Posted: November 24, 2015, 10:40 AM
49mg
Well my GP wouldn't give me a script for anything during the transition to subutex. He said I have to go to him during the symptoms to get anything. I'm going to talk with my methadone doctor again and see if he will help me out. I did see my GP yesterday though and have added a sleep med to the SSRI(Zoloft), and I slept 8 hours last night until 5am. I felt fine this morning... I know early in the taper I had a lot of other things going on in me other than just the withdraw from taper. Happy Turkey Day... | ||
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Posted: November 25, 2015, 10:25 AM
49mg
Well up at midnight, 2am, and then up for good at 4am. Was asleep at 9pm... I hope that this gets worked out over time. Detox is going fine and will be doing the transfer not this Friday, but the next Friday I stop dosing and then do the induction of subutex on Monday. I'll write in when that happens. God bless and Happy Thanksgiving. | ||
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Posted: November 26, 2015, 9:53 AM
Jason
49mg Happy Turkey Day! | ||
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Posted: November 27, 2015, 1:55 PM
49mg
Well I have a new sponsor and went to a good meeting today. It was a meeting I use to go to and I know a lot of people there. It's great because I have a solid foundation of contacts there. Also, I have a new sponsor and he's a strong Christian(good for me) and were going to work together. Were going to meet again next Thursday before the transfer process begins. Black Friday - time for shopping wahoo:) | ||
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