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Message Board > Families / Partners of Addicts > Help

Posted by: Sallyanna September 11, 2019, 7:11 AM
My 26 year old daughter will be homeless soon and I'm having a hard time as a parent. I know I couldn't cope living with her and it wouldn't help. She's been so traumatized and I worry because she's in a big city. I've been trying to encourage her to go to detox and rehab and start over but she doesn't know what to do with her belongings and her car that needs repair. Plus she's lost faith in these programs since they led her to her current situation. She has no money now and I don't have the financial means to help her. How do I emotionally deal with this? I don't know what to do and how to help her.

Posted by: sad eyes September 11, 2019, 7:32 AM
Ime sorry to hear this, I don't know how I would deal with the situation, it's hard when we say detach and let them find there own way, sometimes they just can't, has she got friends where she is living? is there someone there for her, it is a awful situation when we still worry constantly about are adult kids, I hope you are ok, and keep us posted as to how things are

Posted by: Parenting2 September 11, 2019, 8:02 AM

This is really tough stuff. My son has not been homeless in a big city. More couch-surfing in a low crime area. That was hard enough to see him out of it and unkept.

You know you are powerless. We all know that. But, it is a parental instinct to take care or prevent bad things or protect. It is normal to feel that way. Addiction just throws a wrench it, because we get manipulated into supporting the addiction when we care as a parent. It is really cruel, annoying, anger/resentment making stuff. I can help my daughter, she appreciates it, repays the favor, back and forth give and take. My son because of addiction, is all take and lies and anything I do does NOT help.

I know you know all of this. We all do. It just hurts worse than others some days. And, some days their situations are worse than others.

The only way to cope is one minute one day at a time. Be easy on yourself. Do your best to detach in a healthy way. Pray for her. Give yourself permission to not think about it/carry it around. Sometimes the only thing that helps me is to get totally absorbed in some activity.

Posted by: NyToFlorida September 11, 2019, 6:24 PM
Hi Sally Anna, it is so upsetting to keep trying to think of solutions to their problems when you know the situation has run out of good solutions. The problem is bigger than us. Where to store a car or to sell it... where to put belongings ... storage unit.?

Does she have a dog? Would the spca hold on to it until she can have it back. And without car, very difficult to run around storing stuff.

The only thing I can think of is TAM’s. Website. The Addict’s Mom. Maybe there are resources or people dedicated to helping addiction issues in your daughters location.

We have been able to keep our son’s stuff for now.

A few years ago he was in Florida and landlord evicted him while he was away from the apartment. I was in contact w the landlord and was paying back rent. The land lord put his stuff in a storage unit and mailed me the key and information about how to pay the monthly fees.

It was work for the man to do this. I don’t think many others will do that.

Posted by: mtnmom September 12, 2019, 2:29 PM
Sallyanna - hugs!!! I know your pain & of course we all know there are no correct solutions. Maybe offer to find housing for her AFTER she completes detox & rehab? Let the decision be her's to make but you'll only offer help temporarily & only if she COMPLETES the rehab.

My son was doing the same thing - calling & texting us (his brothers, sisters in law, parents & his nieces & nephew) & sending pictures of a tree with a wooden platform in it, saying that was where he was living (it wasn't true, his GF was letting him stay at her house), he would call threatening suicide & get everyone hysterical & crying but REFUSED rehab or hospitalization. Unfortunately it was all his meth fueled paranoia & psychosis. If one of DARED to refuse to give him money & we would be cursed at, called every name in the book & threatened. He did realize we were not going to help him, so he went to a cousin & told her & her mother that we "blew him off". They didn't know what was going on & offered to get him into rehab & care for his dog. Within 5 days they realized he was full of sh** & booted him out. He was sleeping in his truck or he'd say "the only friends I have are drug users & I can't be around them". He knew ALL the key phrases he thought we wanted to hear. I'm ashamed to say my husband would not tell him no, even though he knows our son is a liar. I'm ashamed of the money we have wasted trying to help him & not one single penny solved anything permanently except I will never see that money again......

I wish you the strength you need to actually help your precious daughter & not enable bad decisions as we did.....

Posted by: Momtomethhead September 12, 2019, 4:00 PM
Sally Anna
My son is homeless and we live in a big city. I can not imagine how worried you are with a daughter. I know in our area homeless-shelters give females priority. Maybe you can search shelters in your area. Where we are, in order to get into shelter, the addict needs to test clean. So frustrating. What I have done is searched shelters, rehabs and places to eat, do laundry, take a shower. I gave him the list, realizing he is the one who has to want the help. We bought him a truck, and he was living in that, but he went to jail and the truck got towed. He destroyed it and even if we had the money, it’s not worth it to get it out of impound. I did have peace of mind knowing he had a place to sleep and stay dry and warm last winter. Where we live winters are pretty mild. . We put his stuff in storage unit. Do not know how many belongings your daughter has, but is there a possibility you can load her car up with all of it and put the car in storage?
Nothing about any of this is easy, and unfortunately the addict makes it harder. I hope you have friends or family who support you. I know what it’s like to wake up every morning with worry, and go to bed with fear. Unfortunately the addiction takes over our life’s as well. I am fighting to get mine back, just wish my son would get help, but I know no matter what I do to help him, it’s not going to get him in rehab and off the streets. That is up to him.
My heart goes out to you, have daughters and if it were one of them, I do not know what I would do. My son has street smarts and has survived out there for almost a year. He has no friends, and has not found an encampment to stay at, because he needs mental help too. We have organizations that go to these encampments and offer help, but since he is not in one, he is not offered any help.
Hope I helped, if anything, know you are not alone.

Posted by: #momfail September 12, 2019, 7:25 PM
Hello Sallyanna,

So sorry to hear of your situation. My heart aches for both of you. I have no words of wisdom.

Today I asked my son, What advice would you give parents to prevent this from happening? What advice would you give to young kids? How would you stop this from happening? How do we end it? What can I do?"
He said, "Mom, it's all me. My poor decisions. Nothing you did. I am trying to stop"

I wish I knew the answers because if I could help just one family, I would. I don't wish this on anyone.

Lots of love to you and yours. I hope your daughter can find the help she needs. xo

Posted by: Parenting2 September 12, 2019, 11:23 PM
It is so hard. My son, when he got right out of jail and was clear, gave me the best advice. I was mentioning something in the past I did to try to help him. He told me something like, "Everything you did was a waste of time. I was never going to do what you wanted." Something like that, anyway. It was a real wake-up call. All the money, all the tears, all the pleading. Zero impact. It made me really change how I saw him and how I saw addiction. I want to save him, but he has to save himself. And, if he doesn't save himself, I have to save me. All I accomplish if I don't focus on my life is 2 victims instead of one. Why is that with addiction/mental illness? I don't know, but it is true.


Posted by: Sallyanna September 14, 2019, 7:47 AM
Thank you all for your responses and insights very helpful to me and much appreciated. I've been in contact with my daughter many times this past week. After listening to 20 minutes of how she's in this situation because of other people faults and she goes through a long list of this, that, and the other and she never mentions herself, her decisions, or her drug use and dependency. Then she starts on me and "how could I not let her live with her and she's going to die 'out there' and everyone she talks to says what's wrong with your mother why won't she let you come home?"

Just having to cope with this at a distance (she lives 9 hrs away from me) has about done me in emotionally. I have complex PTSD and my mind just starts to shut down and it's hard for me to function. I have to go to work everyday and function because I am my sole provider. I can't image her living with me I know it would be awful because we had tried it 2 times before and it was a complete failure. I'm sorry to say she's too much of a mess and I know I would lose my job if she lived with me.

I have always helped her with the logistics of getting treatment for her. This has been numerous the past 5 years and she's actually gone about 5 times. Always fails after discharge. She doesn't follow the discharge plan....She does it 'her way' which always leads back to active addiction and poor choices which leads back to chaos....and now homelessness.

I make my boundaries clear and they have been established for a long time. In my head I know I'm doing the right thing however in my heart I just want to grab her and hug her and never let go.......Its really heartbreaking to me. She does not seem to see going back to detox and treatment as a good option for her??? I see it as her only option. Any thoughts and input are much appreciated.

Posted by: Sallyanna September 14, 2019, 9:42 AM
I remember watching an interview of the author of Beautiful Boy, the father of the son with an addition. He wrote the book and there have been numerous books since.

In the interview, he said he was going for support and everyone was telling him he had to let his son hit rock bottom. He didn't agree and said he had to help save his son and devoted years of his life trying and eventually saving him.

How does the average person do this? You'd have to have the financial means to do this wouldn't you? I think he left his job to go save his son. I couldn't emotionally or financially do this. I'm happy this worked out well for them but most people don't have the means to do this. Am I right or an I missing something?

Posted by: mtnmom September 14, 2019, 5:41 PM
SallyAnna - wouldn't it be wonderful if we COULD dedicate our lives to help our children, regardless of long it takes? I think Beautiful Boy is the exception. NO ONE can tell us how to deal with our individual situations. Believe your past experience - has she done ANYTHING that would convince you THIS time will be different? I wish they would accept our good intentions of help, but I know my son didn't. It was when WE were no available (on vacation) that he figured stuff out. Or at least is TRYING TO!! He went in for testing & interview for a good position at Calif Edison & didn't pass one section of the test. He said 1st thought was to buy a case of beer but then he received a very positive call regarding a different job. So he is energized again. I think my son is mildly or moderately bipolar too.

Good luck to you & know that your daughter will say every single thing that she knows will be a trigger to you. The bottom line is SHE created this mess.....

Posted by: NyToFlorida September 14, 2019, 11:35 PM
Hi Sallyanna - here is a link to youtube video. it might help you.

search for other videos like this. you may come across enough information that you find one or two things that work for you

Posted by: Parenting2 September 15, 2019, 10:01 AM
To be fair, I have not read the book. However, after working with addicts at work and having friends who were addicts, it might be the boy would have come to the conclusion on his own eventually. It just isn't usually the case that someone else can save the addict. I have offered what I think is the fair support (rehab, counseling, interventions, paid for lawyer for the first charge when he was a minor). But, at some point, you can't keep going. I will have to read the book. Interestingly, I saw my son was reading that with a friend who was way over the top trying to help him-maybe the book was why. Unfortunately, my son just took advantage (and never seemed to realize he was taking advantage)-the friend eventually got frustrated and is not in the picture. Now, I am really curious about the book!

Posted by: Sallyanna September 15, 2019, 10:20 AM
Last night (middle of the night) I was bombarded by texts messages from my daughter saying terrible things about me. I finally had to move my phone to another room. I know she feels desperate however she has insurance and she can go back to detox and treatment and start over and try again. Instead, she chooses to assassinate my character and said she called other family members about me and how horrible I am not to let her live with me. Sadly, her behavior just reinforces my can anyone live with the emotional blackmail? I know I can not and she needs professional I'm not qualified to give.

Posted by: Parenting2 September 15, 2019, 10:57 AM
Sallyanna, I hear you on the emotional blackmail. I turn my phone off, as well. It's total lies and manipulation. Nothing good comes of listening to it.

Posted by: NyToFlorida September 15, 2019, 1:36 PM
Sallyanna - just want you to know this is the desperate phase. Like mtmom son. My son too - when we would not bail him out of jail. We heard the same remarks. I know you know... so sorry you have to go thru it again. It is hard to put your mind off it and try to have a nice day. It does have a way of crippling us emotionally even when we are not actively participating

Posted by: mtnmom September 20, 2019, 9:22 PM
Yes, like NY2FL said - she's desperate. You didn't give in when she was playing the Poor Me game so now it's all your fault. My son would call, usually right before we went to bed, sobbing, threatening to kill himself. Wouldn't answer our calls back trying to talk to him. Would send pictures of where he was living (a bush, a tree or an underpass, etc.) Then when we held to our bottom line - go to treatment & complete it & then we will talk. He had 2 different treatment centers call me, PRIVATE treatment centers, asking me if I wanted to be part of his goal of sobriety. That didn't work - then he'd call & curse us out - we were MF-ing, MF-ers, we are the cause of ALL OF HIS PROBLEMS....... YOU know you have done all you can, no amount of help in the world is going to do anything until SHE is ready to step up & deal with her addiction & all related problems. I'm so sorry!!!!