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Posted: November 7, 2016, 11:41 AM
Allllright everyone. Upon thousands and thousands of posts on the topic...I've decided to write one of my own.
And the story starts... At 16 I snorted some vicodin with a group of people while drinking 40s and smoking weed (for the first time in months) all while on probation (reason doesnt matter in this case). So I get a call from my mom and she can tell im all f**cked up so tells me to come home and she was going to take me to the drug test the probation officer told her she could take me to but wasnt mandatory. So im freaking out. Get a ride home friend has to stop twice to throw up and when I got home she was ready and we head out the door. She was really taking me to the damn drug test and I was the most lit I've ever been! She calls my dad (who we didnt live with) and explains how im f**cked up and on our way there. Go there. Pee in cup. Big black guy sais "boy I hope you pass this" knowing damn well im about to fall over. Throw up all over myself in moms car on the way home. Go to court for probation and mom asked officer if I passed the test. "We didnt hear anything so he must have" he said. That day I got off probation and was right back to the hydros and other fun stuff. Well im 29 now and remember taking any opiate any time and you know how it goes. Luckily..for some reason..never got into needle dope. Never even did acid or shrooms and never will. But I was fighting them d*mn opiates. Didnt even realize it was a problem till a few years ago. All the relationships, money, brain cells, experiences went right down the drain. Wasted my life away since everything revolved around pills. Everything. In between was a xanax addiction. Bad bad bad...addiction. Wife told me she was pregnant on a plane heading to NY (we were living in MI). Just got a script of 90 1mg xanax so I packed my sh*t within the hour. Went and asked grandma and grandpa for money. They gave me a total of $300. Drove to NY with and got there with about 40 pills left. I visited 3 hospitals and tried to get more. By the 3rd hospital they locked me in a room with a few other people for hours. Freaking out withdrawls going nuts clenched fists. Insane. I was going insane. They prescribed neurontin (spelling?). Anyway. Relationship with wife went down the drain. Whatever. She was a wh*re and I was an addict. I'll start to sum this up now... Suboxone. Been on for 16 months. 23 8mg per month. Was buying off streets too when I ran out. But this last time I couldn't find any. 74 hours with no subs I was in h*ll once again. And I hated it. I was 11 days off of my norcos when I went in to the sub doc for the first time. Didnt tell him that tho. But at 34 hours of no subs I've decided I was done. P*ssed off like no other. Called my buddy and asked him to bring me a couple pain pills. I had them up until today. I sold them. Then I came across a half piece.(at hour like 46). GTFO I smiled and laughed because I was an emotional wreck and wanted to take it but I was to the point that ive decided I was done. Didnt take it. Even though I was dying. Then I started looking at forums and ill be d*mned if the doc didnt try to get me hooked on another big pharma drug. Worse than norco? I'll tell you yes. Especially with the half life. So anyway. A friend calls me up and has the one 8mg sub that he owed me. I went and got it. Took a piece. The smallest piece ever. I WANTED OUT! That (probably) .5 mg of sub made wds go away. I was not as unstable. I could move. I quit crying like a b*tch about everything. But hated myself for having to take it. So. Here I am today. 4 days later and 3mg of sub taken in the past 7. I have probably 12mg suboxone left. Doc appt in another 7 days but hes in for a suprise. Ill be off before the end of November. I've decided im DONE. Yesterday after taking one of the molecules of sub I felt good. Good enough to rake up 17 bags of leaves. Today I might not take any. Found out through FORUMS that you're not supposed to take until withdrawls kick in. Durrrr. My doc managed to miss that piece of information... Anyway. Yeah. Theres slight wds. Of course. Rough sleep at night. Cold as f*ck all the time. Got the runs. The usual. But the worst is behind me. I know it. You know why? The amount of Sub remaining in my body is so minute (my-newt) that I dont even crave it. And I swear on my life I will never go back to opiates, benzos, or any other PharmaMed once this demon is back underground. I want to live. I want to enjoy life. I want to focus on making the best quality of life possible for ME. And I promise...the time is now! This is something I found online and gives an estimated taper based on amount of suboxone taken within last 10 days. Pretty sure im going to be done within 7 days and not 24. Staying positive! 1 1.00mgs. 2 1.00mgs. 3 1.00mgs. 4 0.75mgs. 5 0.75mgs. 6 0.75mgs. 7 0.75mgs. 8 0.75mgs. 9 0.75mgs. 10 0.50mgs. 11 0.50mgs. 12 0.50mgs. 13 0.50mgs. 14 0.50mgs. 15 0.50mgs. 16 0.25mgs. 17 0.25mgs. 18 0.25mgs. 19 0.25mgs. 20 0.13mgs. 21 0.13mgs. 22 0.13mgs. 23 0.00mgs. 24 0.00mgs | ||
Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: November 7, 2016, 3:32 PM
I guess for some, the temptation, craving is too great, therefore the doc's put people on the dosage that works for the average person. It would be nice if the doc starts there and then works with person to lower the dosage while increasing other healthy alternatives.... (wow, what a concept) ..... but not that isnt his/her job. they just give out the meds..... (rant...)
HEY - GREAT FOR YOU! The place where you are at is the place where real changes are made. When YOU decide you have had enough and you dont ever want to go back to it. Think of some support things to get in place to carry you for the long term. come back to the board to remember how bad it was, so you dont forget, when you are feeling weak. get more rest, more water, vitamins, dont make decisions when you are tired or angry. be good to yourself. you come first, not your friends. say no when you need to. embrace the boredom. my son is struggling thru recovery. he recently said his life has disappeared in the past two years and only amounts to a bag of clothes on the floor of his rented room. he is done with it, but what lies ahead is not easy either, a long road. not easy, but different, better. | ||
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Posted: November 9, 2016, 1:55 PM
Hello again. Im still going strong. Wrote my own plan up and am crushing that too. As odd as it may be, Clinton not winning the presidency is making me feel kind of high in itself. Took about .35 mg yesterday at 2pm (my goal I set). Day before .5 split up but first was around .2 at 1pm. And a tiny piece at 8pm. So its almost 24 hours since the around .35 piece. Feeling tired. Yawning. No extreme fatique yet. Nauseous a tiny bit. But its a positive day feeling like a win against the corporate agenda and what not. Wont get into politics and all but its literally helping the mental aspect. Didnt even bring any pieces to work with me. Im that determined. Thanks for your support and post. The kid will get thru it. Just need support. I have none..thats why im herr. Thsnks again!
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Posts: 529
Joined: October 15, 2016
Posted: November 9, 2016, 2:43 PM
Hi :) well done , really well done! I hope you will be successful in kicking the habit once for all! I dont know much about pills you were taking as my addiction was heroin but every addiction is nasty and bad ...keep posting , we are here to suport you! Good Luck!
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: November 9, 2016, 2:45 PM
regarding coldness - hot tea might help to warm you up on the inside. try brewing it either strong or lite and do not add milk - unless you have to... green tea has less flavor but more nutrients. You cold also drink hot chicken broth, hot chicken soup... get some nutrients in. easy on the salt intake, canned soup has a lot.
hot bath with epsom salt - good for achyness Never think you've got this in the bag. as soon as you let your gard down, it could be back to square one.... never be tempted to test the waters. thinking of politics this morning, this turn of events may push americans to realize they need to fend for themselves and not depend on government support. make their own life great. dont let it be in someone elses hands. that's what the country was based on. This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on November 9, 2016, 3:34 PM | ||
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Posted: November 10, 2016, 5:39 PM
Hello! After being on suboxone for years I am also trying to taper down a significant amount so i can be done. I do not crave drugs, I dont live that life anymore and am VERY confident in my sobriety. I have never really relapsed since being on suboxone, so now, I just want to be done with it all. I went from taking a full strip a day to 1/4 (2mg) on the 30th of October (it is the 10th) with surprisingly little to no real problems. I might have some aching or cold chills right before taking my dose but thats about it. I want to cut down again in 5 days. In reading your post I am assuming you are taking the strips so my question is are you taking .25 mg or .25 of the strip. Taking .25mg would mean you are cutting the strips into 32 pieces. I know I still have a ways to go but I am really determined to stop this merry go round and my doctor will only let me taper every three months and its driving me crazy. Hope you are still doing well. I lost a really good friend today to an od and it has only strengthened my want to leave all of this behind me.
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: November 11, 2016, 12:13 AM
so sorry you lost someone close to you. it is just too sad. my son recently lost 2 friends. one was his best friend from high school. it is just too sad to know that he will not be here anymore. my son has not been living home and had not seen his friend in 1 1/2 years. I feel like it is one more bad memory added to the rest of the past years of bad memories. good luck getting off and staying in recovery.
This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on November 11, 2016, 12:16 AM | ||
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Posted: November 11, 2016, 1:38 AM
Well let me tell you...today my goal was to take .25. That is .25 mg. And possibly skip tomorrow. I havent felt wds except cold all the damn time and fatigue. Oh. And emotions are all over the place. But im so determined. I called a buddy who showed me the sub doc and all that. I wanted to try to help him get off too. I picked him up. Start driving and took the container out and handed it to him with all the tiny pieces in it. I told him he could have them if he wanted I didn't want them. His eyes peeled. Fingers in the box. Then said "I havent taken any in a while". So me being the caring a****** that I am, grabbed the container and dumped that s*** out the window. Havent taken the last .25 since 2pm yesterday. Currently im naked. In a bath. Couldnt get comfortable to sleep. But ill be good. Taking multi vitamins. Eating healthier. Im pretty down but im also prepared. I go to the doc Monday and I will be sub free for 5 days give or take. Today, well its just day one. Coming up to hour 34. Have to work tomorrow so hopefully I survive (I will). I dont care what else this brings. Im ready to battle. And please don't confuse my determination for being cocky. This is not the case. I just come to the realization that im done. Even though I may be fighting the battle for the rest of my life . Also, i always hated the name branding addiction as a diesease. You have choices. You determine your future...
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Posted: November 11, 2016, 9:24 AM
I got a full 3 hours of sleep. Tossing and turning. Headed to work soon. Today is going to suck but I plan on going to my first NA meeting tonight. And im actually looking forward to it. Not to speak though. Just to listen...hope everyone else has a good day! I'll be back...
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Posted: November 11, 2016, 3:36 PM
Yup. 72 hours. It sucks. But not going back...whatever it takes..
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Posted: November 11, 2016, 5:07 PM
Congrats! That is amazing. I usually do ok skipping a day or two here or there so i think i am going to try to go that route from here on out. Skip 2 days take 1mg, skip 2 days take 1mg until i can stomach skipping three days. I just dont know how effective it would be to cut a strip up into 30 something pieces. And I my subscription isnt for the 2mg tabs so...
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Posted: November 12, 2016, 8:37 AM
Well im back. Went to NA. Felt good being around people in the same boat. Yesterday was actually a GREAT day. And I got decent sleep last night. Maybe it was because I only got 5 hours total the two nights prior or maybe it was the valerian root I took. Legs were still restless but I put on sleep meditation music on youtube. Im not dying. But still very low energy. Been eating healthy. Not drinking enough water tho... Nausea every morning but its all manageable! Thanks for the support!
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Posted: November 13, 2016, 9:15 AM
Newbie you can do it! Anybody can do it! I think knowing how people are whether they're hooked on the H, o.c., perks, norco everybody always thinks they need it to survive or get by. Same with subs. Mentally you have to be ready. You have to have a certain mindset. Im not saying its easy. Im just saying I don't care what I have to put my mind body and soul through to overcome. I picture it as quicksand and doing whatever it takes to get out.
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Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: November 13, 2016, 9:23 AM
If you can get out - GET OUT.
If you can't - get to AA/NA like millions do (or die). If you are like me "trying your best" will kill you. By myself, I was powerless - as millions are. That's why AA/NA works so well - a Godsend ! All the best. Bob R -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
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Posted: November 14, 2016, 12:14 AM
Hello again. Over a hundred hours in. And im still alive. WHOA! Here's the thing. Switching negative thoughts to positive progress. Thinking about the future and being off of it makes it easier. Today was another great day. Nausea in the morning. Sleep is still rough. Legs a little heavy but nothing that ibuprofen won't take care of. You need to move! Played basketball last night. I thought I was going to pass out but did as much as I could. Each day gets better so far. You know what else helps?! People having their doubts. Tell me I won't. Tell me I can't. Then watch me succeed...
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Posted: November 15, 2016, 1:03 AM
Ahhh insomnia! I know I said the doc appt was Monday(today) but it's actually tomorrow morning. I swear to god if he tries to convince me that I need suboxone, I will wreck his face. Anyway, passed on NA today. Came home and made some healthy food. Also, been drinking protein shakes and water. Taking baths daily. Im not dead yet so ill keep coming back and writing...
Ps sorry about not responding to everyone. Its too much to read, remember, and respond in this current state... | ||
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Posted: November 15, 2016, 12:47 PM
Just got out of the docs office. Had a student come in first. She was a hottie. Told her everything. She was shocked. Then doctor came in. Explained that I havent taken any but I asked for a drug test to see if it was in my system still. Yup. He said "im gonna give you a gift" and tried to write me for one suboxone. I declined. He was actually more supportive than I was thinking he would be. Told me to drop off urine sample whenever I want to see if its out of my system. Ill take him up on that offer and I'll do that next week...
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Posted: November 19, 2016, 1:44 PM
Day 10! Doing well! Each day is better! Good day y'all!
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Posted: November 23, 2016, 6:16 PM
I know people like to hear the dreadful stories about quitting suboxone but.. Im on day 14 and doing good. You will survive. Don't feel 100% but being 110% for years who knows what 100% really is?! I wake up. Thank god to be alive. Get out of bed. Shower and get to work. Make it thru each day being grateful to be able to feel emotions again. Even if its too much at times, its a great feeling. Good luck to y'all ill be back in a couple more weeks.
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Posted: December 19, 2016, 7:57 PM
Welp, its day 40 and I thought id come back. Honestly physically I have misc. pains daily. Manageable. Taking the strong stuff when needed. Asprin. Mentally it is up and down but damn there are more ups as of lately and its so nice. Also, didnt mention I was smoking mj. Quit that like 2 weeks ago as well. All I think about is success now. How bad I want it. Not just being clean but life and financially.
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