Auto Loan
Posted: June 18, 2019, 10:25 AM


Posts: 38
Joined: May 5, 2019



Well the saga continues as is often the case with addiction. June 9th came and went and the car payment wasn't made. My Son planned a trip to New Jersey for this weekend so see his sister. Car remains uninsured. I finally brought my daughter in on things as I feel she needed to know. Everyday he says he's working on insurance. How can you tell when an addict is lying... "when their lips are moving". Taking a trip today to find his apartment and see if I see the car.
  Top
Posted: June 18, 2019, 10:17 PM


Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018



Sorry to hear Anauj about the car. I'm not surprised just based on my own experience with my daughter's addiction. Just when you think it's really bad it gets worse sadly. I hope you are able to take care of your best interest because they are so lost when it comes to doing the right thing.



  Top
Posted: June 18, 2019, 10:27 PM


Posts: 1567
Joined: June 27, 2016



Sorry you are going thru this. Take a picture of the license plate number if you can get close enough. I cant think of any advice. The correct thing would be to take the keys until there is insurance. but that is a pretty hard step to take, even when you know it is the right option. Other option is to put insurance on yourself (you would be doing that for your sake) and pressure him to sell the car or refinance a loan without your name.

You can call the police and tell them anonymously that the car at that location does not have insurance.

I hate how they put us in such tough spots and then act like 'there's no problem' , ' your stressing everyone out' ' not a big deal'

When we are trying not to enable we are suppose to ignore what they do and let them fall on their own and not fix and pick up the pieces... but when their actions effect us, and will effect them in a big way, like being arrested, it is our healthy instinct to fix it before it gets worse.
An instinct they do not appear to have.

I used to plan and problem solve, and figure things out. I have no interest anymore. I think I have just had enough. we have done more than enough in the past 6 to 8 years.

Godspeed!
  Top
Posted: June 19, 2019, 7:31 AM


Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018



I think what's important is they know they choose the behavior they choose the consequence. He will lose the car either by you or the law. He's being irresponsible, reckless, and disrespectful to you. In my mind, he's lost the privilege of having a car. He doesn't pay for it and he doesn't insure it. He can use his own money to uber around and maybe then he will learn. That's a maybe. In the meantime, he's violating your boundries big time.
  Top
Posted: June 25, 2019, 9:11 AM


Posts: 38
Joined: May 5, 2019



Positive: Car Payment made. Phew!

Negative: Driving Uninsured.

I forget who said it but I agree! I hate how they just act like "everything is good". "No big deal".

My son started a new job yesterday. Not sure what happened with the other one and probably will never know...

I know in my heart I have to bring the hammer down and confiscate that car unless he gets it insured. If any of you are praying people, pray that I receive wisdom and the COURAGE to do what needs to be done. Thanks!



  Top
Posted: June 25, 2019, 7:21 PM


Posts: 1567
Joined: June 27, 2016



Anauj,
I understand how gut wrenching and heart breaking this is. Our son also has driven without insurance in the past. We have supplied him w numerous cars and paid insurance over the past 2 years. Your situation reminds me we can’t fall into that trap again. ‘They’ are persistent and we want them to be doing the right thing so we talk and talk and hope they will, and then they don’t. It is a shame because they - my son- pushes us to the breaking point. we help less and less in order to distance and protect ourselves.

I wish I had spot on advice. We let our son leave with the car in March. He wrecked it within weeks. Which was good for us bc we knew he was a liability on the road but we did not have the courage to take the car. Luckily he did not injure anyone. The only thing we can do is not give in to his wants again. It will be difficult. It is relentless. He still thinks we should help him and states that we are the reason he is in jail bc he was homeless and did not have food and if we don’t help him he will be in the same situation.

It is hard to deal with the fall out that he will say it’s your fault that he lost job or can’t get to work or food and looses apartment, etc.. yes it looks like it’s your fault, but it isn’t. It’s his fault, his choices, his consequences.

There’s no good outcome until he stops using drugs and pays his bills.
Good Luck, prayers are with you.
  Top
Posted: June 27, 2019, 12:00 AM


Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018



Anauj yes sometimes doing the right thing is hard and it does take courage. Its common to get burned out on the challenges and by products of our adult child's addiction. It can be overwhelming. I just try to keep the boundaries clear and that is hard in itself. Its not easy, that's for sure.
  Top
Posted: June 27, 2019, 12:14 PM


Posts: 38
Joined: May 5, 2019



Hey everyone... I gave my son an ultimatum... Car Insurance by end of day (yesterday) or car can't be driven. He secured insurance with a reputable company and texted me proof of such! Actually numerous attachments including the actual Insurance Card! When push came to shove, he moved quickly!!!

Next Step: Removing him from my Phone Plan. He can't get his own plan due to credit issues with 2 major phone carriers, but stated he can get on girlfriend or roommate's plan. Let someone else wait for "phone money" every month... taking him off beginning of next billing cycle - July 17th.

These may seem like small things but HUGE steps for me!

Thanks for all your support. I have been so busy I haven't even had time to read any new posts or respond to you guys... but great to know you're there!
  Top
Posted: June 27, 2019, 6:27 PM


Posts: 1567
Joined: June 27, 2016



Good News! Keep pushing him off your plate. You bring up a good point. I am usually hesitant to confront my son bc I am afraid of the conflict (mostly imaginary on my part) then, when we finally confront the issue, he does comply. (usually, except recently)

In March he did get on his own phone plan, and he did move out. but he wont go to a sober living situation. which is what my son needs. he is not able to get on his feet on his own. so we will keep pushing it and maybe he will see it is his only option.

Thanks for sharing!

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on June 27, 2019, 6:28 PM
  Top
Posted: June 30, 2019, 10:08 PM


Posts: 324
Joined: November 16, 2017



Good for you! You know what you have to do and are doing it.
  Top
Posted: July 11, 2019, 10:16 AM


Posts: 182
Joined: December 21, 2018



Anauj, hang in there. It's a long frequently lifetime process.

Just be careful because if I recall you purchased or co signed for the car which means you have some liability financial and legal. Once that car is paid off no more financial dealings with them no matter how trivial they seem.

And YES slowly but steadily detach yourself from their financial dealings like removing them from the phone plan. Necessity is the mother of all invention. Hopefully they'll just find another person to loan or sign for them and not crime to get a phone. Slow but steady.

Slowly tighten that vice. Make them realize details and small things matter.
  Top
Posted: July 12, 2019, 2:42 PM


Posts: 15
Joined: July 11, 2019



Anauj
My husband bought my son a truck after we kicked him out of the house. He did it so our son could find work, and also so I had a little peace of mind, knowing he had shelter from the winter weather. Our son destroyed it because of his anger and voices he was dealing with. He went to jail after violating restraining order that we have against him. the truck sat around the corner from us. He got out of jail a week ago, the truck still sat there because he lost the keys. This morning it got towed. He is pretty upset about it, and is about to go back to jail if he shows up here again. He can blame everyone in the world for it, but it was his responsibility not ours. I see it as a blessing right now. I do not have to worry about him hurting anyone by driving high. At some point the addict needs to take responsibility for what they do. There are consequences for their actions. Can not tell you what to do, can pray that you find strength to deal with your son. They do not make it easy do they?
  Top
Posted: July 12, 2019, 9:06 PM


Posts: 1567
Joined: June 27, 2016



MTMH - It helps to hear your story. I see similar patterns. my son was not violent except a few rare times, one time his dad was nagging for him to shovel driveway while he was sleeping. he woke up and started throwing things. I grabbed the dog and left the house. twice in past year he got angry when I didn't let him use my car. resulted in slamming door damage.

Regarding car - you may have read my stories. My husband also bought son a truck last summer. Only spent $1000 on it maybe put another $1000 into it. he drove it for a about 3 months and then hit an embankment head on at 3am, last sept. he talked about fixing it, but only managed to take the broken parts off. 6 months of work and never saved a dollar to fix it.

We had another junk car we were about to sell. we let him drive that..... he has to get to work.... he drove that for 6 months, we repaired it as needed. put new tires on it a month before he wrecked it. we kicked him out, he left March 1st, wrecked car by the 21st.

he says "he only needs a car and job, he will be able to get back on feet" **** he left here with a car and job. he did not value what he had. he expects us to just poop out another.... we have finally learned our lesson. no more cars.

he hit a pole on his lunch break... yes the roads he was driving are narrow and windy... but many people drive the same roads for years and manage to stay on the road. we are so entrenched in this life that we don't even blink when he wrecks the car. we knew it would happen, while hoping it wouldn't.

We know now that another car means more accidents, and possibility of hurting innocent people on the road. and he is not capable of keeping gas in it, and he does not maintain it.
and does not pay insurance. therefore, if the person can not maintain the car, they can not have a car.

reading your story reinforces those reasons for me.

  Top
Posted: July 12, 2019, 9:12 PM


Posts: 1567
Joined: June 27, 2016



my son is in jail until September. for dui that he was going to court for, for the past year. I think it kept being postponed bc he did not plead anything, once it was resolved, he had to encurr the penalties. I heinsight I think he was postponing on purpose. when it was finally closed he is in jail for 5 months, DMV stated lic is suspended for 6 months, and $750 fine to DMV. This was a relief.


  Top
Posted: July 13, 2019, 12:08 PM


Posts: 15
Joined: July 11, 2019



NYTF we did not spend a lot on the truck, it was in good shape and dependable. He kept saying all’s he needed was a truck to find work, and he would be fine. . Like I said, my husband did it for me also. We knew he was not capable of taking care of it. He just does not have the ware with all to take care of anything. While he was in jail, I put his stuff in storage and told him it is in a warehouse and I can not get to it. All I left out was some tools, tent, sleeping bag, bike and clothes. Whatever I thought he needed to survive. He has nothing to worry about, or destroy now. Mind you, he will lose or break whatever he has, but that’s on him, will not replace any of it. According to my daughters he has “people” and has learned to survive. Now with the warmer weather, I am not worried, he can “camp” and stay dry. I do wish, he would relocate. He stays close to home, because he thinks he is protecting me from his voices.
I understand how you feel with your son in jail. Mine was in for 15 days, not enough for me to relax, but I knew he was safe. If he violates restraining order again, he goes back for a year. It will happen eventually because he is still using, hearing voices and has a temper. He will show up angry again. That’s what I live with every day, fear.. but I am getting better and trying to move on. Trying to get him to take responsibility for himself, or hit rock bottom does not look like it will happen in the near future.
  Top
Posted: July 13, 2019, 6:45 PM


Posts: 1567
Joined: June 27, 2016



MTMH - I was living that fear in February. At end of feb I lost my job. Took that opportunity to leave home for a month. It took weeks to feel well again and be able to eat so I stopped loosing weight. After a month I got a new job. Still did not feel comfortable at home knowing son could stop by... I lived at a friends house for another month while starting the new job. The time away was good for husband too. We were both able to lower our stress by not talking about it every day.
  Top
Posted: July 14, 2019, 12:20 AM


Posts: 15
Joined: July 11, 2019



NYTF,
You are living the same life as I have been. I have spend time at one of my daughters houses, when the fear gets to be too much. I have been known to park my car in the neighborhood so he thinks I am not home. He has a few things left inside the house, so he uses that to come back. A restraining order, and jail time still did nothing. My daughter is going to get a very small storage for him. What goes in there are things he still holds dear. He will have to be responsible not to get kicked out of it, cause the stuff is not coming back here. It will also give him a place to stash his “stuff” during the day. There will be no reason to come back here. If he needs anything and still manages to have his phone, he can call any one of us and if we can help, we will. He needs boundaries and to respect those boundaries, because I have to get my life back.
I’m glad your break did you good. It does put a strain on a marriage. My husband went to visit a friend for a month. It gave us both a break, and for that whole month I was able to convince our son that he was in bed very sick.
I can relate to giving in to them, and than the panic, and trying to cover it...boy do I know that feeling.
I worry about losing my job, would like to work one more year. I love my job, it’s my safe place.
My health has been effected by this. Heart racing, no appetite at all. Have lost 45 pounds last I checked, probably more now. Anxiety Panic attracts and let’s not forget fear 24 hours a day.

  Top
Posted: July 14, 2019, 12:12 PM


Posts: 182
Joined: December 21, 2018



Leaving stuff in the house an excuse to comeback. Oh I've seen that. They not only comeback but act like they never left. They might have not come by for a month and wonder why you putting something a way rather than leave it exact where and how they did weeks ago.
  Top
Posted: July 14, 2019, 8:10 PM


Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018



Momtomethhead I'm so sorry you are living with fear. Its produces so much anxiety and often can lead to PTSD. Also, there are triggers that may cause panic. My ex h and I lived in fear for 2 years when my daughter's behavior was so unpredictable. She was only 15 then and we slept in our clothes and had our phones in our pockets. It was so hard Im sorry you are experiencing this, Sallyanna.
  Top
Posted: July 15, 2019, 2:48 PM


Posts: 15
Joined: July 11, 2019



Sally Anna
I know I have PTSD. my sons temper and everything he has destroyed around here, his threats of hurting others and himself has me on edge 24/7. Our youngest daughter is being treated for it now. She moved out for her own sanity. He started to obsess over her posting things on Facebook, mind you she does not even have a Facebook page. She does not do social media at all. Neither do I or husband. His thought are being controlled by voices he hears. He says theses people are threatening to hurt me and rob our house. We asked that he have a hold on him when he was arrested. Nothing was done. Feel like there is no help from law. enforcement at all. In our area they are overwhelmed by the homeless and addicts. It’s out of control here.
  top of page  Top