|Hello, today I am 42 days clean and I feel better than I ever have. I never gave life the proper chance it deserved to prove how amazing it can be living clean and sober. Yea, I have triggers everyday still and sometimes I have really really bad days where I just want to numb the unwanted emotions but I've learned that's a part of life and sometimes you gotta take the good with the bad! But trust me if you're doing what you need to, it can be so good! I am not a religious person so I think of my higher power as the tables at NA\AA meetings and all the amazing recovering addicts that share their awesome testimonys! They are truly my hero's!! Living with this disease is the hardest thing I've ever had to do and my addiction has already taken so much from me and I'm only 21 years old. Truly sad how this disease takes over peoples lives and ways of thinking! But I am a proud recovering addict I am not ashamed to walk around and show off my tags. Nobody's perfect and everyone's got issues. Who is anyone to judge really?!? I have to struggle with my addiction daily. Not just with my stinkin thinking and my urges but living with my parents is hard (until I can get on my own feet) my mom has been providing me with 100 mg morphine since I was 13 years old along with many other opiates and benzos. I had already been drinking and smoking pot but had never really experienced narcotics. But I saw them f***ed up and out of it all the time so I asked her for one after that it was a wrap! I started asking for them 4-5 times a week and they made me so sick, but anything to numb my pain. Well I got in trouble at 12 and was on juvenile misdemeanor probation. Well when I continued to drop dirty and received 4 drinking MIPs at 14 in a month and a week they threw me in a juvenile rehab facility. My substance abuse counsoler wanted to put me on soboxone... I was 14 and I'm thinking "wtf is soboxone?!?" She explained and told me, "you'll be the first teen to ever have tried soboxone in my state. they'll see how it works for you, they'll write articles about you!" I'm thinking "an opiate blocker? I don't want that, that means I can't get high anymore!!!" Well before I was released they placed me on intensive probation, I had 4 p.o's!! And they placed me on tether. My p.o.'s did not want me on soboxone so they said, if you stay clean for six months we won't do it. And I did it!!! I don't know when it started up again but I went back shortly after those 6 months, caught new charges... And so and so. They told me i was one of the worst cases they had, had. With 12 charges and the longest file for female in my county I Kept dropping dirty and cut my tether off after 15 months, I was so close to getting off! So they threw me in a year long rehab\behavioral facility. I did extremely well! Got my GED, my driving permitt, had a job on the campus, most importantly stayed clean and graduated the program. Well I was released and after 5 looong years on probation, I graduated! I was so proud! Not long after I got out I started dating what I thought was an amazing guy... Little did I know he would turn abusive. I started dabbling with morphine again, I thought it was ok cause I wasn't taking them that often and I was taking them not snorting them. I got bad again and was f***ed up everyday at work all the while trying to hide it from him. Finally I got out of that relationship he stalked me and harrassed me for a year after we broke up. Calling me horrible names every time I walked outside. Well I had seen an old family friend considerably older than me. He was 28 and I was 19 he asked me to hangout and I knew he partied so I said f*** yea! He took me to a meth house and I was smoking and snorting it, he asked me for a morphine cause he was selling them for my dad so he knew I had them. I did. He told me he went to school for nursing for two years and asked if I wanted him to inject me. I was weary at first. It's something I told myself id never do. I did and fell in love instantly. Well I started dating this guy and he shot me up for three months straight and I took over the dealing and then one day while I was experience withdrawals he said figure it out yourself so I did. I was living with the man who was cooking. A year later we got raided. He went to prison for 4-20 I got felony probation with my 74/11. A blessing in disguise. I needed this. Well 3 weeks after getting on probation I started shooting again and dropped dirty a week later. Went to Kpep. Was in kpep for 3 weeks before a girl snuck in heroine and a needle. The next day I ran before they could drop me and went on a 15 month relapse. Just recently got caught stealing, and went back to jail. Now I am in another drug program called drug court and it is truly a blessing and is saving my life one day at a time! I was on the road to death. Shooting 200 mg morphine pills two-three times a day at 80 lbs and benzos, pot and drinking on top of it. I had no life, I was isolating and sleeping all the time and when I wasn't I was being a b**** to everyone. I feel horrible for how I treated others. I hope I can stay clean this time, it takes a lot of willpower. I'm not so good at that. But learning with every day that passes. In no way shape or form am I bragging and nothing negative in here is worth being proud of. I simply wanted to share my story, if it can help someone else then I did what I was trying to accomplish! I wanted to get a crossed how bad addiction is and no matter what stage, your disease is at, how much you used, or what you used if addicts like I and so many others out there can do it... Then all of us can! Get to an AA/NA meeting, pick up that phone if you're thinking about relapsing and never be ashamed of you or your addiction. We all understand and have been through it one time or another! Much love!