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Posts: 195
Joined: July 6, 2018
Posted: October 30, 2018, 2:26 PM
Daughter is still sober after being out of rehab for a month. She is moving in to her own apartment which I am paying for 6 months.
She is moody,mean bitchy sulking,just a joy to be around. I know she is struggling. I am fighting the urge to remind her not to do any drugs,not once not ever. Because as all of you other parents know,she will think to herself .Mom is so right! I know if I say anything to her,it will lead to a fight. It's just so hard not to say anything. | ||
Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: November 1, 2018, 10:08 PM
lol - yep - I forwarded a email newsletter from the rehab my son went to last year - I guess it wouldn't hurt..... and remind your daughter not to talk to strangers... (sorry for joking about it)
years of telling my son to take vitamins, when he came home from rehab in May I bought vitamins and lined them up on his desk. he never took them (is it that hard!) this week I started putting them out on the table with a note. I come home, and they are gone... did he take them ? idk … but it makes me feel better.... lol | ||
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Posts: 195
Joined: July 6, 2018
Posted: November 2, 2018, 10:00 PM
Maybe she should talk to strangers cause her "friends" are rough.
It was hard getting her to get sober. I foolishly thought my life would get easier. Maybe it will in a year but right now my every thought is how to keep her moving forward. So typically co-dependent of me. | ||
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: November 3, 2018, 8:48 PM
LOL - I hear you! the first two months my son was sober I cried and felt more despair and grief than before. I think I had been in a flight or fight situation for a long time, and then needed to release it. such overwhelming feelings. I felt like I should be happy about it, but I wasn't - I knew it was a step in the right direction, but real change would be a long time. and then he relapsed. currently, he seems to be ok but one foot off the path. we can only hope he strings more good days together. I do feel good that he had the experience of the local rehab and recovery center, and meetings. I keep praying. I don't see myself as co-dependent. we are only doing this bc we are parents. we are not supporting destructive behavior - we are trying to steer them away from it.
This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on November 3, 2018, 8:49 PM | ||
Posts: 20
Joined: March 5, 2017
Posted: November 5, 2018, 1:30 AM
Hi Walkedon, I am a little different then most on here. I am a recovered addict (13 years) and I have an adult daughter who is currently fighting addiction.
My first piece of advice would be .... don’t pay for 6 months of her rent!!! You are enabling her. I know you think your helping her but your not. If she doesn’t have to worry about a place to live what is her motivation to get a job and go to work? Get her set up in the apartment and then give her the expectation that she will pay rent next month... you can always help her if she is doing well and working and you see progress but she needs to fight for her own future. Make her have too.... as hard as it is to watch our kids struggle it is what they need! I was addicted to drugs for 11 years .... when I decided to get clean all I had was $200, 3 beautiful kids and a trunk full of belongings. My uncle set me up in an apartment and I figured the rest out myself. I received no help from anyone in my family beyond that. 13 years later I am a Regional VP and own a $350,000 home. Make her fight.... I know I am the exception and not the rule but it is possible! Now, for your question about reminding her.... don’t remind her, congratulate her! Each day say “Day ____ sober! I am so proud of you!” Trust me, if she relapses you will know, her response or demeanor will change. Hopefully you never experience that, but if you do ask her immediately and let her know that relapse doesn’t mean failure, it means try again and you will help her through it! By help I mean you will attend family sessions and be her cheerleader and listening ear... at no point does help mean enable! Eventually the goal is to not even realize how long she has been sober. If it wasn’t for the fact that my daughter knew my sobriety date I wouldn’t have known how long mine had been.... it was another life for me. I don’t dwell on the past , I use my past experience to try and help someone in the future. Good luck and keep hope in the life that is a possibility for your daughter. | ||
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Posts: 195
Joined: July 6, 2018
Posted: November 5, 2018, 2:03 PM
I have witnessed relapse after relapse with my daughter. I am exhausted being her cheerleader.
She fights everything to stay sober. She wont go to meetings,she continues to talk to her drug friends. At this moment her friends are either in rehab or jail. Im trying to stay positive but I dont have the energy . | ||
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Posts: 20
Joined: March 5, 2017
Posted: November 6, 2018, 8:34 AM
Walkedon. I understand your feelings and frustrations. I just have one question that I would like you to consider... what’s more exhausting being her cheerleader or watching her relapse?
One of my daughters counselors asked me that very question... my response was that both are exhausting but relaps is definitely more stressful. I have come to the realization finally that her addiction doesn’t run my life. I have choices and Although I can’t control her I can control the decisions I make regarding my boundaries and my interactions with her. I no longer have talks with my daughter about going to treatments or meetings or anything of that nature. Her sobriety is her responsibility not mine. When she relapsed I tell her she knows where to find me when she is ready for help and I detach. Is it still stressful in those times, absolutely, but it doesn’t control my entire being. I find that by doing this I have the energy to be the cheerleader when she needs it. There is no right or wrong way to get through this and what works for one may not work for another. Everyone experiences things differently.... I hope that someday you can find something that works for you and that works for your daughter. My method works for me.... it helps my daughter as well, unfortunately it doesn’t cure her. I have one other recommendation.... don’t put more effort into her sobriety then she does. If you are she isn’t ready and you will find yourself feeling let down and feeling defeated. I hope today is a good day for you and that today you can think less about her addiction and more about your own needs. | ||
Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018
Posted: November 17, 2018, 8:26 AM
Scaredandhopeful i find your posts really helpful because you give me insight on the person with the addiction. You have been in recovery and turned your life around with little help and have become very successful in your career. You're an inspiration. I totally agree with you comments about not enabling and letting them pick up the rope. If we pick up the rope then they don't have to. I have a question if you don't mind answering. For you, what was your turning point in your decision to become sober and live in recovery?
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Posts: 195
Joined: July 6, 2018
Posted: November 17, 2018, 1:09 PM
Don't put more in to her recovery than she does. That is where I struggle. I need to remind my self of that. I did not cause this, I can not control this.
If she contacts me for help I will help. | ||
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