19 Year Old Moves Out - Now What
Posted: October 9, 2019, 5:09 AM


Posts: 14
Joined: October 4, 2019



Mtnmom - thanks for your wisdom. I agree about the rehab and that he needs to find one for himself. Never in my life has anyone spoken to me like he has. His father also will probably continue to baby him for the time being. I have also learnt that I cant trust anything that he says as well and it is just sad. I have been wondering what to say if he does contact me about coming home and your response is perfect so thank you for that. I really don't think he will contact me until he runs out of options or has burnt too many bridges. I love him too but this is not the boy I raised.
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Posted: October 9, 2019, 5:12 AM


Posts: 14
Joined: October 4, 2019



Sallyanna - I have basically said what you said in a letter to him which I tucked into his computer bag when he left. I don't believe he can feel love at the moment and it makes so much sense that he needs to blame me for everything to cover his guilt. Today I am just tired.!
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Posted: October 9, 2019, 8:38 PM


Posts: 201
Joined: December 23, 2018



mrsJ - you just have to continue to repeat your "offer" to him. He can accept it or not, but the choice is his. That was the only thing that helped us while my son was raging at us. We knew this was the meth fueling his rage, but that did make it hurt any less. Many nights we bawled our eyes out because of him.
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Posted: October 10, 2019, 3:59 AM


Posts: 14
Joined: October 4, 2019



A family member tried to reach out to my son and to take him to a councillor who deals with addiction. He immediately went on the defensive and asked if I was behind this offer (which I was not) and he insisted that he does not do drugs and is not an addict. So why did he fail the drug test? Why these uncontrolled rages directed a me? This is a craziness which even has me wondering if he has got clean as he says BUT then I look back in my journal and remember all the other times he says he was not an addict.
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Posted: October 10, 2019, 7:36 AM


Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018



I'm sorry mrsj. What drugs do you know positively he is doing? I know they do become hostile and I'm sure it's not just you who gets to experience it. He does seem angry towards you and I would just ask him why? What have I done to you to make you so angry? I care about you and I really want to know? (I wouldn't mention drugs during this conversation). See what he says. If it's nonsensical then it's likely drugs and he has to project his frustration and anger somewhere. Anger can also be a mask for hurt too. Has he had any past trauma in his life you know of? IDK it's really hard...
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Posted: October 10, 2019, 9:31 AM


Posts: 122
Joined: December 30, 2018



Mrsj sorry you are the horrible rollercoster ride with us, your son is still only young so there is still a lot of hope for him, reading your posts, this stuck out to me, rolled up paper, empty pens not to sure about the spoons, my son is a meth addict, he is 25, he function very well works every day, he really is not dissrespective to me, but sadly I have found these things in the past before, I use to research about it, they can smoke it through the pen, also I have noticed recently my son has been drinking milky drinks!!, I really would't know when he's on it or of it!!, massive give away he earns well but lives from week to week, so that sums it all up for me, I was in a total mess when I first found out, for two years I was, but I have learnt what ever I do or say or what I want for him, is not what he wants, I keep thinking he will figure things out, I hope he does, you will find it becomes your drug, where it literally consumes you, you have to learn a way to look after yourself as hard as it is, you have another child that needs you, stay strong
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Posted: October 10, 2019, 9:49 AM


Posts: 182
Joined: December 21, 2018



Denial is a pretty strong thing. Also being younger he is probably quite image conscience believe or not. That's why frequently emulate each other or celebrities via fashion, hair style etc. The denial will be prevent from talking or dealing with addiction for a while because he wants to show his peers he can handle 'it' or he has 'not me' syndrome.

Regardless again things like pot aren't as calming as one would think. Nor do things like adderall calm older teens and adults being they are sold on the street as a stimulant. Also I've seen people pop on things like corticoid steroids(anti inflammatories). And last but not least if they are on drugs when they're off or before the most recent dose kicks in there will be mood swings since they aren't under the influence. Even worse they might try to counter a down feeling with over the counter stimulants, sports drinks, herbs etc. I've seen those facilitate a very short temper.

Be careful, don't force any issue. He has to want to chose to be sober himself, not to appease someone else.

Hang in there.
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Posted: October 10, 2019, 10:30 AM


Posts: 14
Joined: October 4, 2019



Thank you for all your responses. I have just found 3 baby photographs of him and got really down and sad - he was a LOVELY boy as I am sure all your children who are addicted were. So I came to this site and feel better reading these responses.
I have asked my son why he is so angry with me in particular. He says I don't support his dreams, that everything with me is about money (duh I have to support him and sadly have given him what he wanted in the past) and is very angry that I remarried again. He and his stepfather had such a close relationship which has changed as he has started drugging and talking back - he detests his stepfather now. It does not help that his father and I had a terrible divorce and his father alienates the 2 older children from me. He left me when I was pregnant with my 3rd child so the 3rd one has not known his father in the home and loves his stepfather to bits.He also has had huge fights with his sister for not listening to him. He has fought with his grandmother and I believe has had big fights with this father - his father always backs off and enables a few days later. He has always been an exceptionally strong willed child, talented but does not like authority.
He openly uses marijuana which has been legalised in our country. He smokes daily and probably more than twice a day. He also drinks it in tea and eats it in cakes etc. He says it is not a drug. When I told him alcohol is legal but still can be addictive he wont here it. Says times have changed.
He has also tested positive twice for MET - Methamphetamines. He tested once for ecstasy - said he got offered "Molly" once and decided to try it. I have been in the dark about this until recently when I found the second test in his cupboard - failing MET. When he failed this a year ago he said he had been at a nightclub and took some but did not like it and is not "stupid enough" to do drugs. When I pushed him for answers he has shouted at me and told me to get out of his room, stop snooping, F off etc. He can change in an instant.
He also has a penchant for pain pills - says he has constant back and neck pain - various doctors cant find anything wrong and one went so far as to suggest it is all in his head - he went mad at that specialist and ranted at him that he knows NOTHING! He has been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and I put a lot of this down to the syndrome that he has - I think I was too naïve back then and allowed him to use it as the excuse.
So today, right now, I grieve for the boy he was.
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Posted: October 10, 2019, 11:49 AM


Posts: 14
Joined: October 4, 2019



I need some advice. My daughter has just told me that after 2 failed attempts that he has managed to get his license for a motorbike. Apparently he has enough money to buy one and will be purchasing one shortly. He will apply for a car license next week.
My daughter feels that I should contact him and congratulate him. I say NO. His last words were to F off...I am toxic etc. Advice?
I wonder HOW he is paying for a motorcycle when he is not working. Apparently, according to his sister, he has saved up! He is not employed FULLTIME. It is either through dealing (he has recently purchased a new laptop and spend a huge amount of money on his girlfriend) or his father is lending him money.
I am ANGRY now - sorry to be venting - 1. What if he rides a bike while high? 2. His father is enabling him by buying it OR he is dealing. 3. What if he kills himself or kills someone else while on it? 4. Is it my problem?
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Posted: October 10, 2019, 12:26 PM


Posts: 192
Joined: July 6, 2018



Not your problem. Would it by your problem if he wasn't on drugs and had an accident? Would it be your problem if he managed to get a credit card and he doesn't pay it.
My daughter is 31. Took me 10 years to stop paying for all her bad decisions. If I would have stopped when she was 18, I could be retired now.
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Posted: October 10, 2019, 3:15 PM


Posts: 182
Joined: December 21, 2018



mrsj-no apologies for venting/posting. We're all here for information and venting. Telling us what's going on is not only a vent but shows how low an addict, friend or family can go-there's information there. Some need a detail example and not just generalities.

The pot lobby has been very slick the way they promoted legalization purposely conflating it with civil liberties and a pseudo supplement constantly touting potential benefits not guarantees.

If he consumes pot throughout the day in multiple forms he's addicted, no better than a cigarette smoker addicted to nicotine. And apparently his peers have no problem with this which makes change even tougher because it's a pretty safe bet some of them have ginned him up against you because they need people who live their life to help validate it.

Hate to say it you're in a war of sorts now. But just like war very tactically and carefully chose your battles.

STAY SAFE. Until HE WANTS to change minus not even bring it up for now anyway.

Hang in there!
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Posted: October 10, 2019, 8:17 PM


Posts: 1573
Joined: June 27, 2016



Mrsj - I know it is tempting, but do not congratulate your son. It is hard to have no contact with him. But, your contact at this time will not help. It will only give him someone to argue with. Let the others step in and 'take care of him'. Get your house 'back to basics' without your son's disruptions. Enjoy the new savings you will have when you are not paying out for your son's expenses. Eventually you will get pulled back in when other resources are exhausted. Plan for that. Plan to say no. He has to be independent. He choose to move out. He wants to make his own decisions - not allowed to do so in your house.

My son said similar things as your son. "You only talk about money!" That's because he asked us for money, gas, cigarettes several times a week, and was not paying his bills.

We only talk to him about bad news. Yeah, like pay your bills, get the car fixed, go to court...

He said his "Dad is negative and yelling all of the time"... but that is in reaction to what our son was doing! He would tell others that his dad would be yelling at him when he was sleeping - the other people would agree with son that dad was 'crazy and negative'. Dad was yelling bc son was asleep on the couch with chicken burning in the oven. we got to the point where we were afraid for son to be home alone - he had no awareness of what he was doing or memory.
Asleep with food in the oven, 'no big deal' he was 'tired'.. he was still going to work eevery day. coming home after we went to bed. never getting normal sleep. stuck in the cycle. he did not smoke pot.

I know it is hard to not take care of him. You are a mom and we are used to 'care taking' of people and things.

My son also said he didn't do drugs and didn't like it, for many years before we figured out that he really was. Its all words to shift blame, divert attention, deny, so we get off their backs for a few days.

Someone once said to me - regarding a different situation:
I hate liers, manipulators, it makes me doubt my own judgement, instincts.

We doubted our instincts many many times, I think what ever we thought was going on was probably worse.

I am a little concerned about the motor bike. My son bought one once after wrecking a car. he bought it with insurance claim. It was short lived. he did not pay insurance or make the payments after the first few months. the bike was reprocessed. He was not living with us at the time. the dealership called us looking for the bike. my son had hid it at someone's house. Husband had to yell at him for a week before he gave the bike back. big mean dad yelling again....

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on October 10, 2019, 8:20 PM
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Posted: October 11, 2019, 5:41 AM


Posts: 14
Joined: October 4, 2019



Again, thank you for your support.

Walkedon - you are correct. It is not my problem.
Samegame - he is addicted and I think I am targeted as I am the only one calling him on it and speaking openly about it. He does not like this at all. I told him that, if what he is doing is indeed all good and fine, then why should I not speak openly about it.
NyToFlorida - I have not said a word about it and am keeping quiet. Our son's sound like twins! As for the motorcycle he wants, I pray to God he does not get in an accident.

They are all off on a weekend holiday today - his father has also invited my son's girlfriend to the resort and is paying for everything. Given he works part time at a restaurant, he has clearly taken the weekend off - so again - where is his money coming from.

One good thing - I don't feel I have to watch his every move now. No more checking cupboards, looking in parks for him etc. I still miss the boy he was but he is buried under addiction for now.
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Posted: October 18, 2019, 6:08 AM


Posts: 14
Joined: October 4, 2019



Today I am sad. Trying to fight it. Am also doubting myself. Maybe I was too controlling - my one friend told me that maybe I was too rigid in not allowing dope to be used in my house, in having a midnight curfew, in charging him a rent. She said that this generation is "different" and we might need to grow with them. She said that every kid is doing dope these days and many adults as well. I am not so sure about that.
My ex IS funding my son. Was told he is giving him an allowance to help him survive and bought him a scooter yesterday. He invited him to dinner last night and apparently is was a lovely evening with him driving up an down the road lifting my little son - without a helmet! He is covering all the insurances etc. I just feel left out and discarded. I did so much for him. Provided for all his needs, even when I was unemployed for 8 months and nearly lost our house. I rented out part of our house so that I could provide for all of them and they never went without. Maybe I was too busy focused on the finances and being so very tired that I was emotionally distant? I miss my son. What if he is clean now as he says? Why am I feeling so heartsore. I recall the screaming and shouting and verbal abuse on all family members, but he seems SO TOGETHER now that he has left.
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Posted: October 18, 2019, 9:42 AM


Posts: 192
Joined: July 6, 2018



Is it possible that you are also feeling the "empty nest".When my non addicted daughter left for college,it was an adjustment. I no longer knew what she was up to,could no longer control her coming and goings.She was becoming an adult.
Why should you give up your boundaries and your safety to have another ADULT take advantage of you.
You can talk to your son,visit with him without enabling a lifestyle that you find dangerous.
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Posted: October 18, 2019, 9:19 PM


Posts: 1573
Joined: June 27, 2016



mrsj - I can relate to what you are feeling. You did every thing right and your son did not learn by example, and now it looks like he is thriving and happier and the other side of the family is paying attention to him. there's a little bit of envy. you did all of the hard work and dad is being the fun guy. a little bit of betrayal. remember YOU did everything right. if your son succeeds without you, it is OK. the result you are looking for is that he becomes independent from you.
(that's the pep talk!)

another part you may be feeling is that you went thru H@ll with him and you want others to experience that too, to confirm that he is out of control. that fact that he seems in control and doing fine, makes you doubt the seriousness of what you have gone thru with him. Do not doubt yourself. There's probably psychological theories about this. When there is distance after being abused, the brain forgets the intensity and starts thinking maybe it wasn't so bad...

Reality Check - It was THAT BAD! let the others take care of him. Focus on your husband and other kids and long term goals. Stay out of it for now. when you talk to your daughter or others, just say positive things. Things will either become worse or better. You son will have a relationship with you later on, when his life is truly better.

I don't think you can both be in his life and not become enabling. At this point his dad is enabling. he probably doesn't see it now, but maybe at some point he will.

regarding your friend's advice - your rules were not extreme at all. Our son said the same - that so many others do this, everyone takes medication, get with the times, its not like when you grew up..... when you look around and hear so much of this going on around us, you do think that it has become the norm.... it isn't.... it is common, but not normal. we think it is normal because we are living in it. when you really compare to others, there are many others that don't drink, do drugs, etc.

about your rules - I wish we embraced those rules when our son was 19! we never asked for rent, we bought cars and repaired them. sent him away to college. gave gas and always had food in fridge, no curfew - we tried but did not enforce rules. as he got older the idea of rules didn't matter. he did live out of the house in other states for a year at a time, then home, then away, then home, then away, then home, then worse.....

I don't have regrets, in heinsight, shoudda done it differently.







This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on October 18, 2019, 9:30 PM
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Posted: October 19, 2019, 10:16 AM


Posts: 201
Joined: December 23, 2018



mrsJ - I agree with NY2FL completely!!! I wish we would have laid down the law when our son was 18 - 19 too, instead we made him comfortable because that what we thought would help him grow , we did not know he was using drugs then. Today I have a 45 y/o meth addict son who for the past 20 years has worked on destroying relationships & trust of his family. The past 2 years have been a living hell as he relapsed & sunk to a level of crisis & insanity that I still cannot believe happened. Since last Dec. he spiraled out of control with his lies, manipulation, rages, insults, verbal abuse. Today he is clean (I think) and attending meetings (so he says) and working. I still cringe when he calls.

Accepting drug use in your house is not too rigid. That is ridiculous for your friend to even suggest that. Every addict is different, every situation is different - you have to find what is acceptable to you. People will enable your child - parents, siblings, partners, friends. But you can't control any of that, you can only do what you are comfortable with. Find a response that works for you, like "I will always love but the only help I can provide is transportation to treatment or whatever you think they need. One tool I repeated to myself was "even one dollar I gave him was one dollar more he had to spend on drugs" Hugs, love & support to you, this is not an easy ride that you have been forced to endure
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