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|Message Board > Families / Partners of Addicts > How To Leave Any Advice Please!|
|Posted by: Kate42 September 4, 2016, 3:20 PM|
|I have been on here for about 2 years now, so some of you may know my story. Essentially my fiancé has been addicted to opiates for the past two years. i have been through hell with him. His family does nothing but enable him, and when I am up all night with his hallucinations wondering if he is going to od, I tell them. They make a huge deal drive down to where we live, he puts on an innocent act and they leave. so they are useless. He was away for the summer for work (he's 22 so still in school which he somehow passes) so he was at an internship in New York. Managed to get a hold of oxy there, went to work high and was immediately fired and sent home. He told his parents it was because he had "low blood sugar" and they believed it!!! So now he got back I have given him ultimatums about him getting help or me breaking up with him. He says he's fine and doesn't need help (so in denial) so far he has been home 2 weeks and is constantly high and now doing herion (smoking it) I love him more and want to do anything to help him. But I feel at this point breaking up with him might be what he needs to admit the problem?? I can't live like this anymore. I'm giving up everything and my career to live in the same town and be with him for what? I'm 25 and am at my breaking point. But when I try to break up with him he cries and bawls and when he's high texts me that if I ever leave him, he won't be alive much longer so just know that. Or "I would give up my life to be with you" " I would die without you" So I'm scared of what he might do when I break up with him if he's high. He refuses to go to rehab because he's in denial any help please ?! Sorry it was kind of scattered.|
|Posted by: hurtingmom September 4, 2016, 6:17 PM|
|Excuse me if I'm a little blunt and curt. . .my 21 yo daughter lost her battle with heroin 6 days ago. . .Her boyfriend found her, dead in bed with him. Is this what you want? On the day she died, he begged her not to leave to go buy. Before then, he used to follow her around to make sure she wasn't buying drugs or making other bad choices. Is this what you want to say, "I do" to?
How do you leave????? Tell him that you are moving on. Tell him that you guys can get together on the other side of rehab. What's he going to say? You aren't asking permission. You aren't inviting a discussion. You are making a statement of your plans and intent. Put your blinders on and ear plugs in your ears if you must. . . Then. . .
RUN!!!!!! Pack your s**t and go. Ask your friends to help you pack. Rent a U-haul Truck. Get out of there. Move on!!!!!!
Remove his name from any of your accounts; and have your name removed from any of his. You've had your conversations with him. You've tried to reason with him. You've probably suggested rehabs or meetings or something. What more can you and your love do to move him in the "right" direction? He has to make his decisions about what's best for him. And you have to make yours.
|Posted by: NinaMaria September 4, 2016, 7:51 PM|
|I know how hard it is, you're not alone.
To cause anxiety and fear are the two tools of addiction. Think about it, that's what he's doing and you're buying it. They can be really good in making us responsible for what they do. Be clear in your head, even if he kills himself - you are not responsible for what he chooses to do. Only if he takes responsibility for his recovery he will have a chance.
I had the parents undo the hard work I was putting in to not enable too - makes me mad but they can always find another unsuspecting enabler that will take some time to realise what's going on.
At this point he won't be able to think clearly, dont try to explain yourself.
To get out of there you need to have a place to go, speak to his parents on your own so they know what really is going on, tell them they are fuelling his addiction and helping him dig his hole. Suggest they go to Nar anon, you would get help there too. I would leave when he is not around, if not possible, maybe call the police to see you out. Whatever you do, be sure you're safe. Ask for help!
|Posted by: Kate42 September 4, 2016, 8:05 PM|
|Hurting mom- I am so sorry for what happened. Thank you so much for replying because reading that really made me realize I need to do tell his parents and leave not only for my sake but for his, because staying isn't changing anything. I know what you went through is horrible but by sharing your story you have helped me so much. So thank you and God bless.
Ninamaria- thank you very much for your response. My friends tell me all the time when he says that it's not my fault, but I guess I just needed to hear it from someone else. I really like the idea of letting his parents know what's going on before hand and possibly calling police for a welfare check if it gets out of hand. I have been debating moving for some time now, so I guess that's what I need to do. Thank you so much for you response again.
|Posted by: Mommy_Stressed September 10, 2016, 10:46 PM|
|I dont know what to say because I am a wife of an addict and still sticking around and helping because I cant help it but I do want to say that he definitely needs help and my brother in law told us he didnt have a problem and refused to go to rehab the week before we got the call he had overdosed on heroin and was dead so if your worried about him dying it may happen either way if he doesnt get the help he needs though I know that us wanting them to get help and them wanting to get help is two completely different things and have no advice there because I have been living with an addict for years now and even though he missed our 2nd childs birth to go to rehab we are now about to have our third child and since Ive been pregnant this time he has lost our house and car and now another job and is on the run from the cops so unless they want help and are committed words mean nothing.|
|Posted by: hurtingmom September 11, 2016, 11:15 AM|
Just wanted to check in. How are you?
|Posted by: NyToFlorida September 11, 2016, 9:41 PM|
they easily put on a convincing act. they say what you / parents want to hear. my son knows that I have a passion for alternative medicine. he will always say "That sounds good, I'll make an appointment this week....." He knows he needs to open a bank account and manage it correctly and use it to pay rent and manage a few things. He knows that is a next step in his recovery. He talks to me about it.... "I'm going to do this.... and you (mom) can help (him) understand how to use the online banking.... " etc....
I hang up the phone feeling warm and fuzzy, and Hopeful!
Get the picture.... I believe what he is saying, HE Believes what he is saying..... only time will tell if he follows through...
and after he gets off the phone.... I do not know what he is doing..... nor should I have to wonder and worry. that is the unmanageable part.... if there was no addiction, I would not have to wonder and worry.
I think my son is in a good situation to have a successful recovery. He can still go either way on the path of recovery vs relapse. only he can follow through on it.
They also act like they don't know what to do, or like they don't know what's going on.... they know... they are living it ... they know what is going on and they know what to do to recover.
during active addiction they can not put the breaks on by themselves.... it all depends on the individual person as to what will work or not
if they have been to rehab once, they know what they have to do.
maybe the key is for them to be in a recovery situation that is manageable for them - to have a job, pay rent, feed themselves, pay their bills, without our help.
If they are in a situation where it is logistically impossible to live in a minimal way, then you or parents are on the hook to keep helping.
hope this makes sense.... a lot of it does not make sense until you have been t
|Posted by: Amma65 September 11, 2016, 9:42 PM|
|Kate42, Hope you stay strong and take the heartfelt, blunt and honest advice from Lynn and the other responses. They know first hand what you're going through. Please move on and don't listen to the guilt your boyfriend is manipulating you with in order to stay. It angers me when someone that supposedly loves you drags you into their hell. Let us know how you are doing.💗|
|Posted by: NyToFlorida September 11, 2016, 10:02 PM|
|PS kate - you should not give up your career. you are too young and have many years ahead.
as the mom of an addict, I found it very difficult to concentrate while at work when crazy things were going on with my addicted loved ones. I often feared loosing my job, or making mistakes. I found myself just staring blankly at my computer at work. Or going to the bathroom and crying while at work. fatigue from loss of sleep...
Go to Nar-anon. You will find people to talk to who will not judge. They understand what you are going through.
If you have to, say it is temporary. you need to focus on job and career and when he is clean... blah, blah .....
my son lost a really great girlfriend many years ago - before his addiction - while in college - probably due to either drinking too much or his "i don't care " attitude. it did hurt him emotionally, but it did not change his attitude or keep him off the path of addiction. He did threated to kill himself , just to scare her. he didn't do it, but who knows who will and who wont.
it is not your responsibility - you did not create it, cant cure it, cant control it.
it is sad. they would have made a good couple.
|Posted by: Kate42 July 8, 2019, 2:24 PM|
I am back. I did not take the advice I should have. I’m now married to the addict. We now have a son. He is 3 months old. He was high when we found out the gender, he was high when I was pregnant on bed rest, he was high and overdosed when our son was a week old. He went to outpatient rehab. I have kidney issues so I had my pain medicine out (oxy) during our recent move. We had been in our new home for 3 days with our son and he stole my medicine to get high. I left and drove 12 hours to be with family because I don’t want this for our son. He has since threatened to kill himself and makes me feel HORRIBLE for leaving. I know I can’t do this to my son. I can’t put him through what I’ve been through. He swears he will never do it again but we all know that’s not true. I don’t want this life for my child. I have come to a compromise for us to live a couple hours away with family so he can still come see us on the weekends when he isn’t working, at least until he can get a job near family where I can leave if I need to. But he says I’m ruining his life and making me feel bad but I know I can’t go back because this isn’t just about me anymore. I know you guys have given me so much support and just reading your messages from years ago helps so much. I can never here that I need to leave enough. Just hearing I’m not over reacting makes me feel so much stronger and able to leave. Thank you all ❤️
|Posted by: Sallyanna July 8, 2019, 8:53 PM|
|Hi kate42 thanks for bringing this post up it gives me some perspective since I wasn't on the forum back then. It sounds like he hasn't changed since 2016 and sounds like he's gotten worse moving on to heroin. I think you know what you have to do and I sense making that decision and acting on it is scary for you......and I understand if that is the case. As you well know unless he wants to change his life and he makes the commitment to do whatever it takes, it isn't going to happen. Meanwhile, your life will be side swiped by his addiction so much so your son won't have his mother either because you'll be so busy coping with dad's 'issue's and putting out fires. Nobody deserves a life like that especially you and your son. I hope you find the courage to do what is best for you and your son.|
|Posted by: NyToFlorida July 8, 2019, 9:49 PM|
|Hi Kate - read my posts - Crisis Update - you will that I had to leave my home in march and april in order to stay away from my son. He says all the same things your husband says. We have spent 6 years at this. my son made good progress last summer, but relapsed over the winter. months of us - asking, yelling, begging him to go back to meetings - to be clean and sober. now he is in jail. he does not want to change and we (parents) are his meal ticket. we did not believe everything he says, we did want to give him a chance to get his life back, so we give car, home, food, and wait for him to respond and be independent. but..... he doesn't. he wants to live back at our house, we have said no, and we mean no. I know how hard it is to turn your loved one away. but we have to save ourselves. nothing we have done has made a lasting difference. so the problem is not ours to fix. it is our son's problem to fix. idk how it will play out, I may leave my home again if he stays in the area after jail. he is not usually violent, but he knows I will give in, and stop by to say HI and ask for money or borrow my car, etc. I don't want to be available.
also watch the youtube video interview w Brandon Norvak
the first 12 months of taking care of a new baby are beyond exhausting and expensive. your husband should be taking care of you and providing for you. You can not live with him, taking care of him, and baby and doing everything and worry about finances and everyone's safety....
do not live with your husband, live with family for now. blame it on exhaustion, the baby, finances. Tell your husband you are not getting a divorse at this time, you need time apart you so can focus on the baby. and he needs time to focus on himself, be clean, work, show he can pay bills and save money and send you money to support his son.
|Posted by: Parenting2 July 9, 2019, 1:04 AM|
|Hi! Welcome back. I am really sorry to read that the situation has gotten worse. And, the addiction no better. I hear in your words that you are a strong person and that you know what you want for your son. Hold onto that. I feel the same that when a child is involved the situation is that much more dire. Keeping the child safe and protected becomes an overwhelming instinct. Follow that instinct! His recovery and attempts to be appropriate are not your concern and please don't feel guilty about that. Keep us posted on your progress.|
|Posted by: Kate42 July 13, 2019, 5:13 PM|
|Thank you all for your kind and encouraging responses. I think the hardest part is not feeling like I’m crazy in the situation. His family treats me like I’m nuts because they are in denial. He is complete opposite of what you would expect an addict to be and the outside world has no clue what’s going on. We seem like a happy all American family. But I can’t keep up the facade any more with our son. His parents came to visit him ( while me and our child are not there because of what he did) they have bought him new shoes (expensive nikes talking like $300 worth) taken him to the movies, now are AT THE BEACH having a mini vacay. Meanwhile I’m in my hometown with my mom taking care of our son keeping him away from a toxic situation. But when everyone else acts like nothing is wrong it makes me think I’m crazy. His parents are literally spoiling him for what he does. Every time he relapses they do this. I don’t get it! I saw a comment from another mother who said she had to cut ties with her son. That’s what I would assume they should be doing?? And this isn’t new. It has been going on for over 5 years! He has stolen from them, his grandparents, used his grandparents money for drugs (they are fairly wealthy so money doesn’t seem to concern them) but it’s just RIDICULOUS! And I ask for money for diapers and stuff new toys for our son like a walker, teething stuff, etc, and it’s that I’m wasting money???!! IM FUMING! And his parents are delusional. Yea you stole your wife’s pain medicine, took it around your 3 month old son leaving your wife alone and scared and his parents reward that. I’m just so fed up. To top it all off my mom called his mom to clear the water between us and she has the audacity to say she’s MAD AT ME AND MY MOM for leaving my husband when he basically overdoed when my son was SEVEN days old!! That I should have stayed with him until emts got there. A 7 days post c section mom should stay in a house with her seven day old son with someone so high he doesn’t even know where he is... how is that smart?? I left and called 911 as any sane person would do. Am I missing something? Or are they just ignoring the facts??|
|Posted by: Sallyanna July 13, 2019, 5:56 PM|
|No you are not missing anything kate. They are as sick as he is. You are the truth teller and they don't like that....I think I would stay far, far away from these people.|
|Posted by: NyToFlorida July 13, 2019, 6:29 PM|
|Kate, you are doing the right thing. Do not go back. Let his parents take care of him. You can see it more clearly than they can because you have been living it.
I want to defend the parents a little bit bc they probably understand what is going on but can’t help and don’t know what to do. They can’t walk away. They too want their son back. If we live like everything is normal maybe it will be.
We have been thru this for 6 yrs w our son and only in the past 6 months we realized that we have helped for the last time (last summer) and now it is up to our son to figure it out. Our help has not helped him to stay sober. Our son is in jail for a few months. I expect life to be tough when he gets out. Tough to turn him away, hard to keep having same conversations, trying to get him to see he needs to stay sober all of the time for a long time, etc.
If u stay out of your husbands situation it will force his parents to take the impact of his decisions. It won’t happen right away, it is a slow process. Be patient with yourself, keep up boundaries, very little contact w your husband. Unfortunately u will need to do something about child support, it will make u look like the ‘the bad-guy’. But your son needs the support.
The squeeze is that any contact w your husband keeps u in the ‘game’, when your available, he will keep at you. Sometimes you may have to ask someone else to be your spokes person or to receive calls from him so he does not take advantage of you.
Agree w sallyanna. No contact w his parents. They are wrong to blame u and deny support for their grandson. U will get no satisfaction talking to them.
|Posted by: Parenting2 July 13, 2019, 9:46 PM|
|Just to join in the chorus, you are not crazy. Sick people will try to make you think you are crazy. They are caught up in the addiction and can't see it or won't see it. Plus, let's be honest, if you stay, they can feel "normal". Your honesty and your boundary setting is uncomfortable to them. And, may make their lives harder.
You have to create a healthy environment for your son. End of story. I am happy that he has a strong, caring Mom.
|Posted by: Momtomethhead July 15, 2019, 3:16 PM|
You are not crazy. Sounds like you have tried everything you can to get through to your husband and his family. Your priority needs to be yourself and baby. As hard as it is for you, because you love this man, walk away until he gets help. If his family and him want to use you as a scape goat, keep in mind, you know better. You have a family that loves you and has your back. I know it’s real easy for an outsider to give advice. My son is in his 40s and an addict. I thank god everyday that there are no children involved. I am at the point where I know in my heart of hearts I have done everything possible to get him to get help. This life is his choice. I will never walk away, but I also can no longer be part of it. Take care of yourself and child.