Mntmom
Posted: April 26, 2019, 9:10 AM


Posts: 201
Joined: December 23, 2018



Sallyanna - understanding & reading everyone's posts REALLY helps me & my husband too. Just to hear that others are on this exact same crazy train.

My son is blaming EVERYONE else - us, his brothers, his former employer, his cousins (the ones that took him in, filled up his truck, cared for his dog (still caring for his dog), fed him & spent the weekend trying to find him an open bed. She found one & that's when he told her he doesn't have insurance, found two more faith based & then he decided he didn't need rehab.

My husband did tell him the other day (after yet another profanity laced tirade about how we have never done anything to help him) that everything that he has done over the past 25 years were all choices he has made, no one caused any of this. We always end every conversation with We will always love you but you have to help yourself. I have nothing else to say about this & I will not give you any money for your continued bad choices. Then of course son ends the conversation with F*** YOU!!

Does anyone know how long it will take for him to start withdrawals?
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Posted: April 26, 2019, 11:19 AM


Posts: 192
Joined: July 6, 2018



I am sure the withdrawal has started. Hopefully he stays in jail for awhile. Unfortunately many county jails don't want to deal with addicts either.Unless they were arrested for a serious crime, he'll be kicked to the street til his hearing.
Generally drug withdrawal isn't dangerous just really sucks.
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Posted: April 26, 2019, 1:56 PM


Posts: 375
Joined: October 25, 2016



I think if he is using Meth it will take about three days for him to stabilize but longer to be halfway normal again. Depends on the drug and usage. He may have already been withdrawing. Could have been so crazy because he was on the drug or had none of it.

I believe jails do like to get minor offenders out quick because of overcrowding and because they want to be fair to people that don’t have bond money. However there can be circumstances where they keep them in jail longer. They might keep him because he is psychotic, suicidal, maybe because he has multiple felonies, maybe because he has committed more of the same crime while out on bond. His bond is set pretty high so they consider this serious. If he doesn’t show up at his hearing if they let him out, they will issue a warrant and then could keep him in jail until sentencing. They usually don’t trust them after they don’t stick to the terms of their release. I think each jail is different based on size and programs. Sounds like he is in big trouble now and they will probably have him serve some time to teach him a lesson. He could get probation but he has to follow rules and it doesn’t sound like he can do that.

Don’t bond him out. You will be putting yourself in the middle and your liability is too much.

This post has been edited by BugginMe on April 26, 2019, 1:59 PM

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BUGS
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Posted: April 26, 2019, 7:01 PM


Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018



Im not sure about this but I think some states have a 3 felony rule (after convictions of course) where they get serious jail time. Does anyone know about this?
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Posted: April 27, 2019, 11:01 AM


Posts: 201
Joined: December 23, 2018



Well, I worked in the courts where he is at for 31 years.... more likely than not, the public defender will plea bargain them down to Misdemeanors because they are all harassing/annoying phone calls/texts/social media posts. No physical abuse or damaged property.... but I could be wrong because he does have a prior from 20 years ago when he & another GF broke up & he harassed her relentlessly!! He was charged with stalking & terrorist threats, both of which were plea bargained to Misd. & after he completed probation he had them expunged.

Oh after he got out of jail on the previous charges, they immediately started dating again AND they got married....
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Posted: April 27, 2019, 11:03 AM


Posts: 201
Joined: December 23, 2018



Oh we will definitely NOT bond him out!!! Bail is $250,000, we'd have to pay $25,000 cash that is non-refundable & we'd have to put the lien on our house, which we would lose WHEN he screws up again.... NOPE!! Worked too hard to get where I am today.
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Posted: April 27, 2019, 11:06 AM


Posts: 201
Joined: December 23, 2018



I'd like to add one more comment: Breaking away from my son is extremely difficult! I've never been in an abusive relationship with someone I love before so this is new territory. It's hard but I can't let my heart take over. How he is acting to us & our entire family IS ABUSE, psychological abuse. Emotional abuse. But he's my son & I still cannot even comprehend HOW he is able to talk to us this way & try to manipulate us this way....
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Posted: April 27, 2019, 11:21 AM


Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018



I totally agree with you mtnmom. It's emotional extortion and he's definitely abusive. You don't have to tolerate any of it. He's more than grown and even if he was 25 hes put himself where he is. No one else. We learn from our mistakes and he's not learning and so maybe a few years in prison will wake him up. His bond is so high I think he's in serious trouble. If it was $25,000 Id think differently but it's $250,000. I personally think going totally no contact with him would be helpful.
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Posted: April 27, 2019, 11:36 AM


Posts: 182
Joined: December 21, 2018



The blame game and attempting to shame or guilt. Far too common. And most addicts and alkies must be allowed to hit a bottom. Sometimes helping them is standing in their way and not allowing that to happen. This will go on and on until something big happens like jail.
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Posted: April 29, 2019, 8:14 AM


Posts: 201
Joined: December 23, 2018



samegame - he's in jail right now! He just wouldn't stop being stupid!! So now he doesn't have a job, no housing & his truck is impounded.... and he's still blaming others for doing this to him!
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Posted: May 7, 2019, 10:43 PM


Posts: 201
Joined: December 23, 2018



He got released from jail - they only filed a contempt of court charge which was a misdemeanor. He plead guilty & got 3 years probation & 12 days in jail, credit for time served. He called today, was calm & obviously not using. We talked for a couple of hours, he said he knows he needs long term help & is looking into a couple of Church based places where he can live & work. Sounded positive, trying to humble himself & not be angry but seems to realize that is his personality & part of his problem. Never once apologized or seemed sorry at all for the way he treated his family... I cannot read anything into anything. I told him we need to see actions, not words. My husband agreed to get his truck out of impound so we will see what happens when he does that & we will see what the next couple of days hold - either he gets his truck & finds a rehab or he gets truck & ditches out on everything.....

Back to holding pattern...
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Posted: May 7, 2019, 11:47 PM


Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018



Mntmom I hope he gets in his truck and chooses to go to rehab. I hope he's motivated to change now too. Thank you for the update and for all your posts : )
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Posted: May 8, 2019, 8:06 AM


Posts: 1573
Joined: June 27, 2016



Hi - what your son is saying is exactly what he needs. Hope he is able to follow thru. I am convinced the drugs - whatever mix that they take - 100% contributes to the ‘bad attitude ‘ and lack of insight - self awareness. My son is taking methadone and a few other things at the hospital. He has same crappy attitude today as he did 3 weeks ago when entering hospital. We can blame the hospital but half of it is up to him. Easy for us to say he should have detoxed but if he doesn’t want to they don’t force him. I think the councilors at hospital can find a rehab - sober living to go to, but slim chance they take him on methodone, and he needs to say he wants to go. So far he is not wanting to go.
The councilor has told us to stand our ground. Boundaries. Can’t come to our house.
Good luck. Sorry u have to bail out the truck.
Maybe u can get it out of impound but put it somewhere else temporary until he is in treatment.?
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Posted: May 8, 2019, 6:15 PM


Posts: 201
Joined: December 23, 2018



He says he is ready to get clean & stop living the life of an addict - hurting everyone. He admits that this past year was his worst year & the past 2 months his was more horrific than he ever has been in the past. He says he needs long term help with sober living. He still wants to talk about the ex-girlfriend, the one that had to get a restraining order & move out order, the order that he has already been arrested on twice.... I don't trust him, but I want to hope but I'm scared he's not. It takes more than a couple of phone calls saying the right things to convince me of anything. I have to see action. He's smart enough to know WHAT to say, I just hope 12 days in jail with the threat of 6 months in jail is still fresh enough to force some action
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Posted: May 8, 2019, 9:42 PM


Posts: 201
Joined: December 23, 2018



I spoke with a Sober Living house today - he agreed when my son shows up tomorrow, he will call me. He told me he has strict rules for the men & it is ultimately up to my son, which I 100% agree. We committed to pay for a couple of months. I feel a little hopeful, my son has always done very well in rehab, but when left to his own defenses he fails. I'm hoping this structure & men in like situations will help keep him on track.

Thank you everyone for your care & concern!
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Posted: May 8, 2019, 10:13 PM


Posts: 15
Joined: February 7, 2019



mtnmom-i so hope this sober living place will help your son long term! i’ll send positive thoughts out into the world for him tomorrow. don’t forget to take care of yourself!
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Posted: May 9, 2019, 8:07 AM


Posts: 1573
Joined: June 27, 2016



Mtnmom - keep your expectations in check. Hold your boundaries. Don’t get caught up in it - too fast - too soon. It does help when talking to staff at sober living. We had reached out to the recovery place my son was at a few yrs ago. It helped us to know we are doing the right thing and there is help and hope for our loved ones, but they have to want to do the work more than we want it. We can see a clear path. Unfortunately they can not see it. It is not easy for them to be sober and think clearly. Good Luck! Wish you all well. At least you can relax a bit.

At this time we don’t know if our son is at hospital or else where.
I got some medical receipts in the mail that show my son started treatment at local recovery center a week before going to hospital. So there’s hope he is trying to get help but he is struggling at taking the best steps. Such as long term recovery program. I think he thinks he can do it on his own and only needs a job to be able to. If he goes into a treatment program he won’t be able to work for a while... still in limbo...I guess it is complicated for them to make best decisions for themselves.


This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on May 9, 2019, 8:09 AM
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Posted: May 15, 2019, 10:37 PM


Posts: 201
Joined: December 23, 2018



My son DID move into the Sober Living house, he has his own apartment. He's lonely because he's has burned every sober friend he has but he has a few left. He's looking for a job & trying not to think about the ex-girl friend.... I'm not sure how often they drug test but he has to attend meetings twice a day. He can stay as long as he wants or as long as he follows the rules.
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Posted: May 15, 2019, 11:44 PM


Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018



Mntmom this is good news. This is a huge step for your son I hope he continues on the right path.
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Posted: May 16, 2019, 3:38 PM


Posts: 201
Joined: December 23, 2018



We do too!!!! We know it's one day at a time & sometimes one minute at a time, but our fingers & toes are crossed.... :)
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