Losing Hope
Posted: April 29, 2018, 12:18 AM


Posts: 5
Joined: April 28, 2018



I just found on that my husband is smoking weed for the last 4 years... He said it helps him with his anxiety and drinking, he also smokes 1 pack of cigarettes a day. I felt like my whole world has shattered, he agreed to go to therapy for our marital problems, he wants to understand from the therapist why I'm so upset, I'm upset becaused I dont trust him anymore and didn't know he was smoking weed, he has severe mood swings when he doesn't smoke weed, verbally abusive, hostile to anyone that challenges him, once he smokes it he's calm and goes to bed, I have noticed over the years he's talking differently , like telling our 14 year that weed is an awesome drug , like he wants to be friends with our son, umm I just notice his thinking has changed, sometimes I feel like he says things that don't make sense...when he comes in from the garage his eyes are usually red and a slight slur in speech, now if he drinks like 2 drinks the slur is even more visible to me, he's reckless and makes very bad choices, like tries to race the car on the parkway like a teenager, At least now I know he smokes, I won't let him drive me. I'm very angry and I want to support him and try therapy, but every time he goes to smoke, I get disappointed, I just read addicts can't keep promises, so I have to keep that in mind. I hope this forum can help me to support him during this time, I'm so scared , I think too much, what if therapy doesn't work, what will happen if he quits, will he be angry 24/7, will he go back to drinking , will he be depressed and anxious. This has taking a toll on our small family, the only thing that helps me to fight is my 14 year boy.
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Posted: April 29, 2018, 11:08 PM


Posts: 1718
Joined: June 27, 2016



Read information on SmartRecovery.org - weed can cause anxiety, etc, find a local recovery center where you and your husband can go to therapist, meetings. you and your son should not live in the environment when you are afraid. Start setting a back-up plan in place. to get you to a place of financial security. start setting small boundaries, you can decide on a boundary to yourself and not discuss it, just decide on it and then enforce it. Such as - not driving when impaired - esp when driving others. not drinking when smoking weed. explain that his behavior changes and he does not notice it, but others do.

or - if it works for you - go to the extreme and leave w your son until he has been clean for xxx months. he has been using without your knowledge for 4 years. it is your decision.

if you or your husband see a therapist, be sure it is one with experience in addiction and recovery

keep reading - more helpful links under General/Misc

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on April 29, 2018, 11:10 PM
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Posted: May 3, 2018, 6:53 AM


Posts: 5
Joined: April 28, 2018



Thank you for your post and suggestions, my husband and I saw a therapist yesterday, he wants to continue smoking, I suggested we take baby steps and living healthy and implement some techniques to manage his stress, however he just doesn't want to give it up, it's been 11 days of turmoil, yesterday I just had a melt down after we returned home from the therapist and he wanted to smoke again. He said he will find a place soon and leave! I said ok. I told him to seek help for his drinking and cigarettes otherwise mixing with weed, he's messing with his health, he eats so much sweets at night after smoking weed, his sugar levels were high at his last doctors visit. I feel like my fight is over, I'm tired, our entire marriage I try to help take his stress away, and not bother him for anything and trust him, however my help can't save him, I have my son to think about and my life, I need to maintain my job, it's been hard for the last 2 weeks to concentrate at work. So this is what's going on. I'll continue to see the therapist to help me transition into living without him. Also I told him to seek help for his alcohol and cigarettes, we have great health/ medical insurance, and free therapy. So it's up to him.
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Posted: May 3, 2018, 8:29 AM


Posts: 1718
Joined: June 27, 2016



The whole situation is very emotional and exhausting. It is hard to impossible to keep up your daily life, your work life, your social life when someone you love is going thru addiction issues. as a family we have been going thru this for 7 years. first with our daughter for 2 years and then our son for the past 5 years. every day revolves around thinking about them and how to fix it. trying different approaches, rehabs, talking, etc. at times I have cried on the way to work and on the way home. it is hard to concentrate. tears still well in my eyes. my husband has screamed and yelled and still no change. I started therapy 4 months ago. It has helped me stay sane and given me hope for myself. in order to function well you need to be able to sleep and have peace in your life.

I am the nice guy 'helping' trying to show by example. enabling with cash for gas and car for work. still my son thinks he does not have a problem, until he recently had an incident w police. my son has made some changes and will be seeing a therapist at a recovery center. but he still says he has done nothing wrong. The change takes time. hopefully he (our son) will continue on a clean path long enough to be able to look back and see the difference between right and wrong.

Socially I have withdrawn from situations bc I just don't have the energy or the happy outlook I used to have. my husband has become a workaholic bc he does not want to be at home and has a fear of financial poverty, due to the previous costs of rehab, college and supporting our son for the past few months. my career has fizzled out bc I have not had the time or concentration to excel. example - I started an online real estate license class. I have a friend who is in the business and will sponsor me. I have not sped thru the material as I wanted to and have considered quiting bc my son's issues take up so much time. latest issue - my old car he was using finally had to go to junk yard. we have spent past 3 weeks juggling cars to go to work and trying to find reliable car for cheapest price. on one hand - this is what families do - on the other hand - my son is old enough to be doing this for himself, but he is not mentally or financially able to. so we do it only bc it is better that he goes to work than to have no work.

conclusion - as hard as it is to separate from your husband, you need to save yourself. be careful not to get sucked into things you do not want to do.

PS - our daughter has been clean for 5 years.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on May 3, 2018, 8:30 AM
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Posted: May 3, 2018, 8:33 AM


Posts: 1718
Joined: June 27, 2016



read these posts:

Ways Family Members can Help,
What Not to do,
Let me fall all by myself,
Will you learn to say No


type the title in the search field at the bottom of the page under the posting window.

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Posted: May 3, 2018, 8:44 AM


Posts: 1718
Joined: June 27, 2016



thoughts - I think enablers (us) become imbedded in our addicts situation because we are compassionate, caring, optimistic, doer's and giver's.....

something you posted - "He wants to continue smoking" this statement brings up the idea that our loved one wants us to let them do what they want, at the expense of loosing what we want.

one can see many examples in life. we need to protect ourselves from people who are ok with not being responsible for them selves. who use up OUR energy without caring or giving back to us.

example - a relative was in a situation where the spouse - who was not working - would not do daily chores at home and became a hoarder. when the working spouse complained about it, the hoarder's response was "it doesn't bother me, so get over it" Really? its ok for the hoarder to live in a mess and say get over it, but not ok for the person who is providing financially for the household to want to live in a clean house? OMG!
The hoarder would not go to therapy - the marriage is in divorce. the stable person could not live in the insanity.

It's YOUR life - you only have one chance to live and parent your son.... make the best of it.

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Posted: May 3, 2018, 11:27 PM


Posts: 5
Joined: April 28, 2018



You have very sound advice, I will not put up with it, I have made my mind up, I deserve better, I told him if he wants to leave I will change the locks for my safety.

I understand why your husband works so much, when your mind is occupied, you don't think about the horrible situation you have no control of. I can only imagine what you are going through with your son, I hope I don't have to cross this road, indeed it's on my mind, especially since he's in high school and his dad told him weed helped him.

We are definitely enablers; I know if I don't put my foot down now, I will end up being the bad guy, always blaming me for making him angry, today our home was very quiet, since yesterday he said he will move out, I've decided not to stop him from going, I went to work, my son went to school, I was able to concentrate and get the work done, there were some moments I was thinking about how our life used to be, but I said to myself, be greatfull for the memories and go make more great ones. I owe it to myself and my child.

This post has been edited by Looking4Advice17 on May 3, 2018, 11:33 PM
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Posted: May 4, 2018, 7:48 AM


Posts: 1718
Joined: June 27, 2016



Your outlook sounds Great! Stay confident. If your husband changes later in life, you can get back together - or at least have a friendly relationship. I mean - 10 years from now!!! LOL

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Posted: May 4, 2018, 9:53 AM


Posts: 5
Joined: April 28, 2018



Staying strong and confident is definitely hard, but I have to keep reminding myself, no one is going to take care of you, except, YOU. I have lost the hope and trust in him. I do hope to stay friendly for the sake of my child. I hope my husband gets help and be a good father to our son. I truly wish him the best. And I hope someday my happy light and bright future will return, he took that away, I know it may not be intentional, but its hard to smile these days.

Again thanks for your encouragement, I hope you are putting you first as well, I try to maintain our household the same way as before, cook, clean, laundry, help my son with his homework, I want to him to look at me as a role model, because when we come home from work/school our home is our safe place, my son is doing what he has to do, he doesn't seem angry, however I'm sure deep deep down he's hurting, I might end up taking him to therapy when the time is right. One day at a time. Today I try to find little things I'm happy for, we only have one life, and I should make the most out of it.
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