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Message Board > Families / Partners of Addicts > Losing Battle

Posted by: Helplessness April 8, 2017, 8:04 PM
Well it's been a couple of months since J called and was so excited about new job and getting car. However I could tell he was still using. He was swearing that he been clean a year. His g/f called today and explained that he attacked her and she had him arrested. Rightly so. BUT what I don't get her explaining that they decided to start using meth together. I lost it. Are you insane!!! METH kills and is so addictive. Why would you agree to use if you know he is an addict. I did say you were right to have him arrested. He is dangerous when on drugs. He has a warrant on his head in Florida.
I looked him up, yeap there is a detainer for his warrant. So he will be heading back here. He will get 5/15 min. He doesn't need jail. He needs a long LONG LONGGG term rehab program. But with our society he will just get worse in jail. He probably will attempt suicide. I think I am ready for it. Not sure. How callus have I become or just numb to his drug abuse. I want to cry but there are no more tears. I want to vent, but have nothing to say. I want to asked why ,WHY did this happen to you. There are no answers. God has a plan for him, good bad , I will wait to see what is next that he has planned for him.
I am sorry for him. He hates me and I don't know why and neither does he. All he ever says is because you cared for the others more. The good son, and the the son was the baby. He is so wrong but you can't tell that to an addict. Nothing in their world makes sense to us.

Just needed to get the hurt out, because I don't want my family to see it.
Thanks for listening.

Posted by: duchesschama April 8, 2017, 8:59 PM

I feel like I have lost my battle a long time ago! My son blames me for everything in his life and I don't know why either. He has made so many bad choices and no matter what I did or said it was never what he wanted. If I gave him money or things it was only a bandaid on my son's problem and made me feel better short term because he would be nice to me for a while and then things would turn ugly again.
I haven't heard from him now for a month--since I refused to pay his car title loan once again. I have no idea where he is or how he is living, but I pray he figures things out. I ,too, know that God has a plan for my Chris and i just hope it isn't too late for him, but I am doubtful. I just have to keep strong and believe in Gods' plan for him!
I still miss him, but I know what I miss is the old Chris that was my son--not this man I don't even recognize or know.

Big Hugs to you Sue--Lori

Posted by: stanm April 8, 2017, 9:19 PM
To “Helplessness:” What a blessing that this blog is here for you, for all of us. I hope that you know that everyone who reads your post will know exactly what you are going through and will understand your feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. Giving advice is a tricky business even in the best of circumstances, so, in the 12-step program that my wife and I attend, people are encouraged instead to share their experience, strength and hope. So, this is my thinly veiled attempt at doing that. About 15 years ago, we went to our first meeting of Nar-Anon, a 12-step program for the families and friends of drug addicts. Up to that point, we were dealing with our son’s addiction alone. I have said elsewhere on this blog that friends and family members who are not living with addiction are clueless, bless their hearts. They have no idea, no understanding of what this particular brand of hell is like, and why would they? It is unimaginable. It is unfathomable. Only people who have experienced this insanity can truly understand it and not be judgmental about it. For the first few years that we were on this path we felt alone, isolated and lost. We desperately needed understanding and compassion and we found it in the meeting rooms of Nar-Anon. As one of the readings in the Nar-Anon Blue Book says, “You can go through this alone, but you don’t have to.” You have found a place for support on this blog. I hope you’ll reach out and find a 12-step meeting in your community where you can also find face-to-face support. Nar-Anon, Al-Anon, Families Anon, Codependents Anonymous are all invaluable sources of support. I think I’m safe in promising that you will find in one or more of these groups a community that understands and will provide compassionate and loving sanctuary. Before I go, I wanted to say two other things. First, there is nothing "callous" in your reaction to your son's addiction, and all of us who have stood where you stand recognize the necessity of self-preservation when dealing with addiction in our loved ones. Just as drugs consume them and their lives, those same drugs will consume us if we are not watchful and mindful. It is not in our nature, of course, to keep our guard up with respect to our own children. We spend a good amount of our lives guarding and protecting them, keeping them from harm’s way, ensuring that they are safe. Nothing prepares us for the time when they might suddenly turn on us, steal from us and abuse us, verbally and sometimes physically. It is unnatural for us to have to detach from our children. There is nothing callous about it. We have to save ourselves. The drugs that are destroying them will destroy us. And, that brings me to my second point. We are not dealing with our sons or daughters; we are dealing with their drugs, and that is a fool’s errand. There is no rational thought going on in the mind of an addict who is high on drugs. There are only thoughts of survival and acquisition of more drugs. Anyone who stands in the way of that does so at their peril. It may not always be that way; hope springs eternal that our loved ones will find sobriety. But, until they do, we have to protect ourselves. We have to have firm boundaries and we have to maintain them. The irony is that those boundaries that we employ to protect us will many times be the first step in our loved ones’ paths to recovery. I wish you peace and serenity in your journey. Trust me, they can be found even in the chaos of your son’s addiction.

Posted by: BugginMe April 8, 2017, 10:26 PM
It is always hard to find out nothing has changed when you are hoping things will. I am sorry. I understand how you feel. Part of you wants to scream and cry, the other part is numb and all cried out. When bad things happen over and over, we come to expect the worst even as we are hoping for the best. The whole thing is hard .. I think it is sometimes necessary to protect our hearts in order to survive the trauma of their actions.

Posted by: Shell2639 April 9, 2017, 3:48 AM
I'm sorry you're feeling so much hurt right now. I wish there was something that we could do to turn it off. Even though we can detach and stop enabling, we can't shut off our feelings.
Take your moment and grieve, cry, or whatever else you need to's ok. Tomorrow's a new day and you know what? J is still alive and as long as he is, there is hope.
Love and hugs!

Posted by: Helplessness April 9, 2017, 8:23 AM
Thank you, I needed to hear those words. I've been to tons of meetings , my son has been an addict most of his life. Probably started at 13. Turned the worst by 18. Jail by 23 and spiraled down since. It's funny when he did heroin I hated it and was scared when he did OD because I wanted him to be found an not another body on the street. Then he robbed his brother, after he was giving clean clothes, bike and food. Nothing is never enough for him now. He was arrested next day and it was for petty thief. Received probation for 3 years as it was his third strike. He took off instead of facing his responsibilities. It's his MO since he was a kid.
To start using Meth ohmygawd my heart just stop. I don't know why I think it's worse than heroin maybe because it's cut with so many things that are dangerous.

SInce this forum and other help I've received over the years, I'm usually tougher emotionally when it comes to J. But seeing his face with the scratches on it, from his g/f and knowing that he was capable of killing almost destroyed me. I couldn't phathom that this was my son. That he could of change that much. Drugs have destroyed his soul, I know that. But it was still shocking and seeing the lost look on his face. He was high , I've seen that face before.

I think what I am so hurt and angry. Is how we treat addicts. Just tossing them into jail and then out on the street. I wish my son could be locked away in a mental hospital and slowly put back together and brain rewired. But no insurance, no money who is going to help. No one.

What has happen to our children our country. We've lost compassion, we have become desensitize
to the world problems.

This forum is a blessing and I thank each and everyone of you whom have taken them time just to keep me focus.


Posted by: Helplessness April 9, 2017, 8:30 AM
It was a shocked to see his face again in jail. He was a sweet kid but he did have a quick temper. Especially when it came to his brothers. I always drilled into his head NEVER EVER HIT A WOMAN.
But drugs have change him so much he is unrecognizable.
I was saying to my husband he will be shipped back to Florida. Do I visit him? Do I want to? Do I want to detached completely ?
I haven't a scooby what I am going to do. But I do know he will asked money for commissary. He will asked money for stamps. He will emotionally blackmail me even sober can is using it now.

Once he is back, I will again seek counseling what is best for me, not him. Because that is what I have to do. I was thinking maybe I could try to get him committed for long term to mental hospital not sure if that is an option. More things I have to figure out.

Thank you as always,


Posted by: Helplessness April 9, 2017, 8:31 AM
Just grabbling hugs from both of you. We are all in this together.
thank you for just being here and supporting me..



Posted by: BugginMe April 9, 2017, 8:35 AM
My son is a meth addict and why someone chooses to use that stuff baffles me. It ruins their body and their mind. I have felt the same as you.. society says drug use is a disease and an epidemic but not a soul wants to actually help cure these people. It all comes down to them having no money or insurance but not doing anything costs so much more in the long term. It is frustrating.

Posted by: Helplessness April 9, 2017, 8:43 AM
exactly Bugs,
there is got to be a way to start something to help this kids. My son might be beyond , he could live a sober life but his mind has been altered so much by the many uses of different drugs there is no coming back from that. PST of drug abuse?

But these young ones coming up like Paula who son is young only 21 there might be a chance.

Gawd I hate drugs!! My husband is scottish and yesterday he said to me. Do you release that most of american TV is pushing drugs to get better, to relieve symptoms. What happen to suck it up buttercup get on with your life and learn alternative relieve

Posted by: BugginMe April 9, 2017, 1:36 PM
I have to laugh at those commercials. Take so and so for such and such but prepared for the possible side effects which might include ... a huge long list or death. I would have to be desperate to take any of those things. I would only take them if absolutely nevessary and there was no other solution.