My Methadone Withdrawals
Posted: June 12, 2017, 7:48 AM


Posts: 134
Joined: June 8, 2017



Day12
6:03 am.
Still very sick. My sense of smell has went haywire and is nearly at superhuman levels. I can smell all the laundry room sundries, along with the kitchens carefully canistered coffee. I cannot pull my blanket to close to my face because of the overwhelming scent of cotton and other fibers. Sad truth is, I'm fully familiar with this odd happening, I've  experienced it many times during many withdrawals from other opiates but it was  always during their peak withdrawal phases, Approx. days 3-6, Not on day 12.
It doesn't really matter to me at this point how rough it gets or how long it lasts. I never assumed it would be easy. I always knew it'd be tough. I did hope that I might be one of the fortunate few who Detox relatively effortlessly. But deep inside, I knew..
When I told my counselor that I was quitting the clinic and detoxing at home and I watched fearful sorrow slowly trace her face, I knew..
The gist of my mindset is  that I'm  tired of being intimidated by fears of withdrawal. I'm tired of surrendering my emotional lunch money to this disease . I'm fed up and I'm done. I'm  furious  about all I've surrendered in order to keep the peace. I should have done this long ago but I got lost on the wide,  well trodden path of opiate  induced complacency and the fuzzy logic it produces. But today I am not lost..
I feel plenty sick but not lost even in the slightest. I'll be grateful for that today..
  

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And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.
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Posted: June 12, 2017, 8:23 AM


Posts: 150
Joined: May 31, 2017



Hello Dave, You Inspire me. It takes time.. Your Mental fortitude is awesome keep up the good work..

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Stay Strong for Today
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Posted: June 12, 2017, 1:38 PM


Posts: 73
Joined: March 5, 2017



Hey Dave, it sounds like you have the right mindset to overcome this. You should take pride in that. I can relate a lot in regards to why you finally wanted off the mind numbing roller coaster. I switched back to Suboxone for the last bit, in hopes that it would be easier, and thus, a more successful detox since Sub is only a partial agonist. Of course, I was wrong, and didn't fully understand the extent of how these medications affect the brain. Switching to Sub would not have made much of a difference at that time due to the length of time I was on Methadone and the amount of recovery time my receptors would need to heal.

I was given a lot of misinformation by my doctor there. He actually refused to wean me down lower than 3mgs...the same "we'll keep you at this dose for now" talk, so when he went away for vacation last summer, I decided that was my chance, used those weeks to do a self taper and called him after to tell him I would no longer be coming back in. A bit late, but the best decision
I've ever made.

I notice you seem to have a lot of self-awareness. This is an invaluable trait and will help you through this difficult time. And hey, you're already almost at 2 weeks! This initial phase should be subsiding pretty soon. You'll be in my thoughts today. One hour at a time, my friend.


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Posted: June 12, 2017, 2:29 PM


Posts: 134
Joined: June 8, 2017



You guys move me with your kindness. It means so, so, much to me. The circle of successful jumpers appears woefully small and I consider it a blessing to speak with those who Truly know this journey from the inside out.

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And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.
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itspossible
Posted: June 12, 2017, 9:28 PM







your doing great dave !! you keep answering the bell round after round, that's how you beat this monster..

confusious "he who says he can, and he who says he can't, are both right"
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Posted: June 12, 2017, 9:44 PM


Posts: 134
Joined: June 8, 2017



Day 12
7:50pm.
Still quite sick. Small slight headache centered behind right eye is annoying and bothersome. Sinus headache I'd guess. I drifted off this afternoon for nearly two hours. No doubt I'm worn. The nausea is non stop and I'm drinking pepto from the largest bottle they had. It's ridiculously oversized and obviously not meant for travel. It's meant for those who are convalescing. It's taller than a water bottle and almost twice the girth. Part of me feels depressed that Ive put myself in such a vulnerable and sickly position but another part of me snickers when I see the size of that Dam bottle. Must of been designed for a serious multi-use situation. Its sad that I alone have almost polished it off.
But I still feel firmly dug in and my resolve is the intact.
Ive Been sick before, been depressed before, been all this before. Feels like I'm being forced to watch a really bad movie that I've already suffered through a dozen times before, albeit this showing is in some strange slow motion edit..,virtually identical just much more drawn out.
I pray I'm better tomorrow because I want a meeting in my system. If I'm able, only if I'm able.

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And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.
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Posted: June 13, 2017, 10:02 AM


Posts: 134
Joined: June 8, 2017



Day 13
7:15am
I am unsure if I'm any better but certain I am no worse. I managed to sleep a good long while but sadly failed to document the exact duration. My wife said that I was asleep, one foot on the floor, at 1am when she momentarily arose and I woke up at 6:30am so 5.5 hrs at a minimum.  I would celebrate my sleep returning except I no longer trust anything related to this withdrawal.
At first check I feel better today. Maybe a 5/10. But who's to say...
My post last night was tough to complete. My thoughts were scattered and defied   Coalescence despite all my might. It's tough to spend an hour trying to pull your thoughts together only to discover that, at least for now, it's not to be.
The opposite of surrender is to resist but with my body so weary, my resistance is now mostly with words. But hey, Who knows what weary travelers may stumble upon this journey and decide to push forward in their own?  Perhaps I can resist The beast even in the future-tense by Inspiring  someone else, at some other time, to ball up their fists, Swing for the fences and furiously  fight for their own liberation??
 This thought brings me great joy.. I am bitter and vengeful over the helplessness I'm feeling and I'm  desperate to show I'm still in this by fighting back anyway I can.
If this  wicked withdrawal can land odd blows from strange angles, hopefully so can I.

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And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.
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Posted: June 13, 2017, 11:59 AM


Posts: 150
Joined: May 31, 2017



You are by putting your journey out there. Your doing awesome keep it up. Poud of You.. You are an inspiration to me....

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Stay Strong for Today
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Posted: June 13, 2017, 6:39 PM


Posts: 134
Joined: June 8, 2017



5:15pm
Very sick on this two weeks eve. I have had a healthy appetite today which I've lacked for the last several days in a row. Strange today I started craving fish? I thought about various commercial fish sandwiches but instead settled on a giant homemade tuna fish sandwich. It was splendid.
Hopefully tomorrow , on the two-week anniversary , I'll feel a lot better than these last few days. That would be fantastic. I'd enjoy a reprieve.
On a brief side note, There's no better way of announcing to the whole of Walmart that you are hopelessly dopesick than to Shuffle around rattling off rapid fire shotgun sneezes in multi-fire formations.
Just lovely :-)

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And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.
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Posted: June 13, 2017, 11:40 PM


Posts: 73
Joined: March 5, 2017



"There's no better way of announcing to the whole of Walmart that you are hopelessly dopesick than to Shuffle around rattling off rapid fire shotgun sneezes in multi-fire formations."

I probably shouldn't have laughed as much as I did to this, but that is something that I can relate to very well. Although the sneezing is not nearly as frequent, my girl still laughs when I can't control it by holding my nose and end up firing off multiple sneezes in public...at the movies especially o_o

lol at least you still have a sense of humour during this trying time. 2 weeks coming up. Believe it or not, that is a milestone that many don't even make it to...let alone have the strength to continue on. Take pride in that. Hope you have a good night, man.
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Posted: June 14, 2017, 10:06 AM


Posts: 1584
Joined: June 27, 2016



Tuna has a lot of protein and omega fat/oils (or whatever those good things are) - your brain is probably craving the nutrients it needs to rebuild. Tuna, spinage, kale.... double up on multi vitamins, etc. try the gummy ones - digest easier...
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Posted: June 14, 2017, 10:39 AM


Posts: 134
Joined: June 8, 2017



Day14
8:10am.
Two weeks clean today. It's been a long, long time since I've been two weeks completely clean.

Yesterday, shortly after I'd posted about my tuna fish sandwich, my appetite went crazy. Over the next four hours,at seperate times I ate: A family size can of Campbell  chunky sirloin soup, a half sleeve of crackers, a full bowl of fried mushrooms heavily dipped in ranch, and finally a small bowl of yellow rice...
The food has given me some strength and my nausea has greatly subsided. I had great hopes that I'd awaken and feel infinitely better but of course that didn't happen.
When I woke, after 5.5 hrs, my pillow was soaked and my head was thumping with one of those punishing, pulse type of headaches. Not really what I had in mind but I feel the tide beginning to subside. Last night was the first time in many days that I'd been able to get my back fully off the ropes for a moment. It feels liberating to watch an opponent of this ferocity forced to take a step back and suck a little wind.
Yeah it's been two weeks and I'm still here and  although this has been pure hell, I remain resolute and utterly unafraid.
My old life holds no promise, no hope, and no future. A lonely place of numb observations,  squelched creativity, and spiritual desolation . These are the sad truths and why I must embrace every advantage offered in this fight.

Some things are just worth fighting for and some hills are just worth dying on.
 So onward I go... Resting when I can, brawling when I must..

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And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.
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Posted: June 14, 2017, 5:47 PM


Posts: 134
Joined: June 8, 2017



Still feeling really bad but my mind is strangely very clear. I hope I can stay clean when this is finally over so that I never have to repeat this process again. I've always been strong about getting clean and weak about staying clean. I'm going to need to be all around strong from here on out.

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And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.
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Posted: June 14, 2017, 5:52 PM


Posts: 150
Joined: May 31, 2017



Keep up the good fight Dave. Your are an inspiration to me.. Proud of You..

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Stay Strong for Today
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Posted: June 15, 2017, 10:20 AM


Posts: 134
Joined: June 8, 2017



Day15
7:45am
If the withdrawal off of these long-acting opiates where the same for everyone , it would be much easier to plot and plan ones recovery. But everyone is different , their length of addiction is different , level of fitness, overall age, Etc ... , And so the path is not lit by one stream of information but rather a wild collage of variables , X-factors, and algorithms to complex for even the most right minded of folk to decipher. Let alone those suffering through this bloody mess...
I mention all of this because somehow I am sleeping now. 4-5 hrs a night. As I read of others sleepless months of agony I can't help but wonder, "Why am I resting while so many others cannot?"
I feel a bit guilty...
Two quick things on my sleep.
First, I am not dreaming at all. The sleep seems to be solely perfunctory and comes when it chooses. Perhaps completely instinctual.
Secondly, When I wake I am soaked in sweat. Pillows,blankets, night cloths etc..

My main foe right now appears to be my utter lack of energy. My energy crashes are explosive and leave me feeling a debilitated mess. I am  apathetic and lack movement, or any desire for it. When I do move I am richly rewarded but every fiber of my being tells me to rest, recover...

Gotta drag my arse into some type of meeting soon. That's how I finally quit drinking 27yrs ago. I sucked up my pride and went in with some humility. Perhaps it was easier at 23 to practice humility. I was young and they were mostly older. Nowadays though,  I see mostly younger people socializing on the porches and parking lots after meetings and such. Full of vigor, hope, and life. Fully aware that father time is their staunchest ally..
 Touche

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And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.
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Posted: June 15, 2017, 4:34 PM


Posts: 73
Joined: March 5, 2017



Sounds like you're starting to feel a bit better. The worst of the acute stage should be passing. Imo, within a couple days you should start thinking about doing some light exercise. Walking is probably the best for where you're at right now because you have to remember, your body has been fully drained and has been going through so much. Any type of weight lifting or running I would avoid right now. It's a lot of strain on a body that's already strained. Walking a block or two really does help you feel better by squeezing out endorphins and increased energy will follow.

Try and keep things light. Keep away from things that would cause stress...as stress is a trigger that often sends your CNS into overdrive and you'll sometimes feel like you're back in the worst parts of withdrawal. This whole process is very gradual and not easy to undertake for so many...but you're doing it! You seem strong and as I've said, very self-aware, so I'm guessing after going through all this and it is all said and done...you're never going to want to even look at another opioid or opioid type of drug. Btw, a meeting sounds like a good idea. I was thinking about going to the next one that's here in my city.

Keep at it. Very proud of how far you've come.
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Posted: June 15, 2017, 9:24 PM


Posts: 134
Joined: June 8, 2017



7:45pm.
Still having periods where I feel really bad but they are definitely decreasing in intensity and duration. But man when they hit, they still hit. I'm also experiencing some mild waves of depression but I'm unsure if it's a chemical thing or a Clarity thing. Over the past four or five days, when my mind was clear enough, I've been taking inventory of my life and the poor decisions I've made. Sometimes I've had little epiphanies that brought with them a sense of regret or embarrassment. I think it may be easy to confuse depression with a deep sense of regret. Both are very Hollow, lonely, and empty emotions. It hurts to toss away 15+ years for a few fistfulls of dope. It stings even worse when those years are wasted in later life. On the positive side I'm Not Dead like So many of my family, friends, and Associates who have perished over the last 10 years due to this terrible opiate scourge.
I suppose I should be more grateful I wasn't among them. It's dangerous out there nowadays. Fake Percocets made with Chinese Fentanyl have hit the South hard lately. 18 people died in Atlanta just last week. I'm grateful I'm not out there anymore taking 6 or 7 Percocets at a time. But for the grace of God there I go.
I really am fortunate

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And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.
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itspossible
Posted: June 16, 2017, 8:01 AM







nice job dave..sleep will increase over time, I think I got my 1st full night at about 5 week mark..

I understand that regret thing.i pissed away so much of everything is crazy..
but, graditude has be proven to be the most healthy emotion that we have..have a good day brother..
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Posted: June 16, 2017, 9:03 AM


Posts: 134
Joined: June 8, 2017



Day16
7:45am
Night sweats have become a major issue. Last night I slept very little and every time I drifted off I'd be wakened  by bouts of them. Very annoying.
My wife prepared some scrambled eggs and cheese for me which I couldn't bear to eat. It smelled like she had delivered to me a giant plate of steaming sulfur. I apologized thrice and pushed them aside. Dammit I wanted them cheesy eggs.
My mind seems clear although not bubbling over with ideas or ambitions. Just clear, which I'll take.
During My whole journey I have only used three medicines. Baby Aspirin, lotramin, and Pepto. I am off the pepto and weaning off the lotramin . I'm still taking three baby aspirin 4x per day. I'm so much better but still feel somewhat under siege. Hopefully it keeps getting better day by day...

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And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.
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Posted: June 16, 2017, 9:19 AM


Posts: 150
Joined: May 31, 2017



Hey Dave, It does get better day by day I promise you. If you were to read my journey from day one it sounds like a horrific traumatic novel.. I'm reading your journey now that I'm 7 1/2 months clean and your still going through this awful process one you will never forget, keep that in my mind when that beast starts whispering in your ear. You still have an awesome sense of humor.. your doing just fine...

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Stay Strong for Today
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