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Message Board > Cocaine / Crack Cocaine > Recoveredcrackhead@yahoo.com


Posted by: larrylive December 28, 2009, 3:57 PM
Sounds hopeful doesn't it, so does the fact that I am back in treatment, intensive outpatient. That means I shall go 5 hours a day/ 5 days a week.
I would like to attempt a journal of this process and thought I could use a recovery forum for memory and feedback. Although a brief recovery history is provided in the next post (yes it's from this forums blog/journal thread, But I wanted to make sure the fly-by's could find me, hence I'm posting here) this is going to be my 4th whack at treatment, counting my 3 week stint last spring.
This TC is a 6 mos. plan with 3 months of once a week aftercare.
Back to my title/e-mail. While investigating TC's I was put off by the fact that no-one wanted to discuss the success rate of their facility. Which we all know is fairly low no matter what facility or method we are speaking of. The most common number given,(by resources such as NIDA & SAMSHA) is an 80% FAILURE (recidivism). The TC's have a problem admitting this, which is far from the open and honest behavior the expect from patients. Anyway they will site such reasons as finances and difficulty in tracking for why they don't have the numbers. hence I came up with my e-mail address...recoveredcrackhead @yahoo.com. Pretty catchy, easy to remember, especially by those who want to become one. Now here's the kicker. I belong to many of these forums. The first was a militant born-again christian site, who seemed to only care about my money. And although they swore their method was 100% fool proof, it become obvious over time, there was only two successful applicants. I watched hundreds of sick and suffering addicts come and go. My heart yearned to reach out and at least share a sympathetic ear. But many sites do not have facilities for PM's or e-mails. And after witnessing addicts post once, with despairation and grief in their messages, then disappear, never to be heard from again. I felt something needed to be done. So hopefully my e-mail will one day become a lifeline or at least a trail of bread crumbs and I can point the willing in the right direction. Until then.........
Off we go, another round with the drug and alcohol counselors.
Thurs Dec 31 I meet my primary and discuss which groups may work best, they think their smart, they offer a limited number of groups and you get to choose which ones you would be "interested" in. But upon completion every 10 weeks you pick more from the list, until you run out of choices and in the end participate in all the groups, some choice.
Until then, HAPPY NEW YEAR
Larrylive

Posted by: larrylive December 28, 2009, 4:03 PM
Originally posted in recovery dairies Dec 17.....

Recoveredcrackhead at Yahoo dot com

Yes it is a misnomer, but I can dream can't I. Besides it is very difficult to keep track of recovering crackheads, or so the rehabs tell me.

Enough about you, this is my blog and I shall attempt, once again to get off crack. Please bare with me, this may take awhile. I have been at it for ten years already and have actually managed to make things worse.
I used to be fairly well employed and would only use on paydays. Well of course I went broke, lost the usual, Family, friends, jobs, etc. Did a couple 28day rehabs in 2000 and 02 along with the obligatory halfway house and outpatient. Some how though I managed to keep the career moving, right up to 2006. I then took a couple of steps backward and whoa don't do that. Once I hit that slippery slope...Some how I managed to find an apartment where I lived for a year, unemployed. How, why, I don't know but have a bunch of unconfirmed ideas. Anyway like I said I was unemployed for a year (coming up on two now)
and I have never smoked so much crack. I kinda befriended a bunch of crackwhores( hey don't call them that) Then old acquaintance moved in across the hall and he thought it would be a good idea to sell. So people could cop from him and come sit in my place and smoke for a hit or two. Yeah, that took off like a rocket and went 24/7 for the afore mentioned year. Slowly things got bumpy and one day I woke up in jail( 4 months for being an accomplice) My first time, at 46 years old. And now I am an unemployed convicted felon crackhead. Other than that things are looking good, wink wink. I am homeless and my insane landlord has lost or stole half of my belongings, primarily the useful s***, plates, bowls and cleaning supplies. And a bunch of expensive audio gear, camping supplies and about 1000 record albums (oh, did I mention I am not the usual crackhead, any more. I sold a lot of stuff but kept a lot more and stopped doing that a few years back) He was kind enough to leave me my books, many many books and most of my t-shirts, many many t-shirts(long story) And now it's winter and no matter how many t-shirts you put on, well you get my drift.
This life sucks and I am running out of time on the library computer, so for now......
Good luck and Godspeed to all
Regards,
Larrylive

Posted by: larrylive January 4, 2010, 3:33 PM
So if you're new (or just lurking) welcome and I hope you're doing better than I am. Or if you're member Hope all is well with you and yours. I shall be going/doing rehab soon, far to much crack in my life. I am hoping to do intensive outpatient, but found out that my intake info will be sent to the administrative review board (I'll bet that word is admissions, uh?) and chances are I shall be recommended inpatient. Now that's all well and good, but I have all my personal belongings in a storage space and must pay the rent so as not to lose them. That should read so as not to lose any more, as my (ex)landlord has relieved me of more than $12K of possessions already. Basically all I have left are my sentimental things, and having a mild case of compulsive hoarding it's qiute a bit. And no I am not in denial about it, it's all nice and nicely displayed. Primarily books, music, and prints (aka posters). I also have a few scrap books, mostly family pictures and concert memoribilia. And my poetry, I really need to get it transfer to digital, but I played with caligraphy as a kid, and my hand writing is fair so....plus manuscripts seem to hold more feeling, you can almost feel the speed of the writing. Or at least I can because I wrote it.
If you are new...I tend to digress alot, A.D.D.
So back to the New Year and no smoking Crack stuff. We can do together what we could not do alone. But we need to be Patient and Persistent (and other "p" I can't remember, oh yeah) and Practice. So....avoid smoking as best you can, and try to remember the successful ways. Like not having money and hiding out in the country, unless of coarse you're from the country and I wouldn't suggest coming into the city. But I am sure you get it. Then stop back...Sign up or in....and tell me(us) what's working and why. Sounds easy enough right.
Oh and if you can't remember here (the forum) and /or how to get back, I can be found occasionally on myspace (duh, larrylive) and always(almost everyday) through email, recovercrackhead at yahoo dot com.
Times running out at the Library so I gotsta go.
Regards,
Larrylive

Posted by: larrylive January 14, 2010, 5:23 PM
I could not take the suspence, a waiting notification of acceptance to the local TC. So I went down today and asked about my recomendation......
I start Tues Jan 19 @1:30p
I've marked it on my calander, I hope you'll do the same :)

Larrylive

Posted by: Rick Corrigan January 15, 2010, 1:14 AM
Like any journey, you only get out of it what you put into it (and a lot of the work will have to be done on your own). So its phenomenal that you are starting now with all this writing. Journaling, or blogging, or whatever it is called, worked great for me.

Posted by: Erika P January 15, 2010, 2:03 AM
Hi guys
You've been quiet this week. My encouragement for you today is to "celebrate life".

Posted by: Rick Corrigan January 17, 2010, 12:39 AM
Larry: You'll drive them nuts and they'll drive you crazy. Don't get toooo oppositional. Have fun, work hard.

Posted by: larrylive January 20, 2010, 1:52 PM
Fancy that, Mr.Rick is so insightful.
I started yesterday-Men's Issues,,,, right. And yes I did manage to "steer" the conversation in a positive (self confirming) direction. Seems that it is us crackheads that can relate to our addiction being a compulsion more than the dependancy of alcoholics or pill-poppers. Intregueing...more will be revealed if I am patient.

Larrylive

Posted by: larrylive January 22, 2010, 1:23 PM
Oh I don't know.........
It is friday, my first week in treatment is over and...nothing.
Just kidding, but- ironically, last spring I participated in the "day treatment" aka;outpatient-max, during the first the weeks I had three positive urines and so they recommended(demanded) I go to inpatient. I was a bit confused as I had started treatment because I had a drug problem, yet they seemed upset by the fact that I was still using. So I qiut and went back to crackworld. Then last Sept. when I got out of jail I went to sign back up and they said "positive screen goes to inpatient, negative, outpatient-max" So again I left. I had almost 5 months clean, but a couple 20's stashed in a sock before I got busted were still there upon release. (and my landlord through out my dishes and cups etc, but gave me back my pipes)
And now 3 mos later they put me in outpatient-lite. And the only change has been geographical- 3 blocks. But my roommate doesn't indulge so there can be no traffic, and I have not told anybody where I live. So now I have over a month clean, from crack. And since I have started treatment I will not smoke weed.
I also had a job interview Wed. and am anxiously awaiting notification. I really need money to pay for my storage area, so as not to lose anymore of my things. But this was my first interview post jail. So now I am a convicted felon, crackhead who has been unemployed for two years. And because they had THE question on the application they are aware of it all. Otherwise I would have been (self) assured of getting the job.....tick,tock
Until next time, may all your dreams be sober ones.
Larrylive

Posted by: larrylive January 26, 2010, 4:25 PM
It's Tues and that means men's issues.......
The topic by random selection was "honesty" and is it a good way to live.
Of course everybody says yes, I mean I wish I had said "no lying is so much fun and safer." But I was second, and contrary to what seems to be a popular opinion, I do live by higher moral standard than what is expected from most crackheads. Don't get me wrong, I have gotten caught up in the moment and done somethings I regret and would not do straight, but I don't make a habit of it. I also have never lied about using-never,ever. Not to my ex-wife, my kids or my mom. Believe me it doesn't make things go any smoother, and actually must just speed up the process of alienation.
Back to group...the thing I was most put off by, as some had stated they suffered consequences for being truthful, was that most don't realize it's their actions that get them in trouble, not the answers to questions.
So I believe a real man(sorry ladies) stands behind his decisions and actions, taking responsability and accepting the consequences. Don't get me wrong, I would not turn myself in, but I have always said "don't ask questions, you don't want to know the answers to".

larrylive

Posted by: Erika P January 27, 2010, 3:42 AM
I hate the lies. I have learned not to ask my husband anything (not even drug related questions) because he will probably lie. What gets to me is the information he volunteers. I was under the impression that if there is no pressure, no questions, then surely, it would be the truth. But no. Even that is a lie. Personally, I find it easier to deal with the drugs and the mood swings and whatever goes with it, than the constant lies. Even when he is not high or making plans to get high, he lies. Just thought I'd share that :).

Posted by: larrylive January 27, 2010, 11:21 AM
Thank you Erika,

But may I ask why do you put up with it, seems a strange basis for a relationship, particularly a marriage, but perhaps I am old fashion. I think trust is the most important part of any relationship, be it with a spouse, the kids or friends. But I guess that trust must be followed by dependability and therefore self-discipline. And being a crackhead I admit to proving weak in those areas.
But that's just me.
be well
Larrylive

Posted by: Erika P January 28, 2010, 9:45 AM
Why do I put up with it? Because I'm compelled to do so. My faith in God and the bible commands me so. Yes, I dont like instances of living with an active addict, but nothing is new under the sun. The only "excuse" for divorce is unfaithfulness / adultery.

I believe that the bible gives instruction on living life (Basic Instruction Before Leaving Eath - that's a freebie). It is better to suffer and obey than not suffer and disobey.

I must just learn to change my confession. Once my words and my vision line up with the Truth (as opposed to the Fact) then my husband will change, because if you have faith like a mustard seed . . . this mountain will move. :)

Posted by: larrylive January 28, 2010, 12:37 PM
Fancy that, I wish you were my wife, or I should say I wish my ex had your values. We were separated for 8 yrs, although we would spend weekends together as I had relocated to a different city. And when the notice arrived for the divorice I adamantly said no, being that I had swore before God and everyone...till death do us part. And I put that in writing, had it noterized and set it back. One month late I was divorced, never stepping foot in a court room, I don't understand how that worked. Point being that I refered to her as my wife for a couple years after that, still do sometimes.
Your man is lucky to have a woman with such deep convictions, but do please be careful, some lines should not be crossed. And running away does mean you lost the war, just trying a different strategy.

Do be well..and safe
Larrylive

Posted by: Erika P January 29, 2010, 9:48 AM
I found that whenever I make such faith statements I am being tested very hard on it. So, my words will be few. Cast your burdens on the Lord, for He cares for you.

Posted by: MomNMore February 1, 2010, 5:07 PM
Erika, you asked about the lying....

QUOTE
After addiction he could'nt tell the truth if his life depended on it. He lies about things that don't even make any difference. Did you eat breakfast...no...his dirt cereal bowl is in the sink???? I think he just lies to keep in practice. Kinda like being tuned up for when he really needs to lie.


This was from a post by Sadeye on the Family board, talking about his son. I found an identical situation with my daughter...she lied about anything and everything...even small things of absolutely no consequence...it was so odd. The I read this and it seemed just perfect...they're just staying in practice...but man, it is annoying, isn't it?

Posted by: mistyeyes February 2, 2010, 12:30 AM
Are they staying in practice?
Well that just seems sick, now doesn't it.

My more twisted take...maybe just maybe they were trained that it really didn't matter if they lied or not, even with the obvious shining, no one was going to believe anyway.

And really shouldn't the questions be looked at, how many were asked with the answer already known...
How many out of some need to control...

The truth always shows, and how we miss it picking apart the lies.


Posted by: MomNMore February 2, 2010, 12:38 AM
No real reason to lie about the mundane though is there? Not everything is about the others in their lives trying to control them or asking too many questions. Some of it is just plain lying to lie...nothing more complex than that...lying becomes as much a habit as anything else...and just as hard to break.

Posted by: larrylive February 2, 2010, 11:09 AM
Strange little twist in the thread. Last week a couple of the groups dealt with honesty. Of course everybody was in favor of it, surprise, surprise. What I was taken aback by was the people who thought they suffered consequences for being honest. Yet they could not see that it was the action/behavior that justified the punishment, not owning up to it.
I for one learned at a young age that lying would get me no where, I also developed the belief that I must stand behind what I do. ( I don't know where that came from though) So during my addiction I would not lie about my using. I would not volunteer the information. But when confronted by my X or my Mom I would admit to goimg out and using. I must be completely honest here, I would lie if I was under the influence, but when I came down I would confess to using.
Just me I guess.

Regards,
Larrylive

Posted by: MomNMore February 2, 2010, 5:14 PM
Larry, I find your admission of using refreshing. I used to tell my daughter that if she were going to use (or drink, or steal, or whatever) to at least have the courage of her convictions and admit it...stand behind it, as you said...the lying was almost as bad as the using, maybe worse sometimes. If you are on a course then 'fess up to it...and if it's something you feel you must lie about, are afraid to tell others, that cause shame and embarrassment, then there is information in those feelings and you should listen to them.

Her last go-round she did come right out and say it and it actually was easier to hear from her lips than to find out because she burned my spoons or left her needles exposed in the trash, or just plain nodded out.

Posted by: Sadeye February 2, 2010, 6:58 PM
Have to disagree with Misty on this one. All the addicts I have meet/heard about so far (very short experience tho) have appeared to be pretty bright. I would expect the average IQ of addicts would be above the population average. They are also extremely effective manipulators. In fact, I would bet that they are much better are controlling their enviroment than visaversa. In watching my son, I see him spontaneously drop these very subtle but effective gems design to give us some hope that he will 'get it'. Of course, he gets it way more than we do. And, the next day those little rays of hope are destroyed as we find him noding in his bedroom.

Posted by: mistyeyes February 3, 2010, 10:43 AM
Larry not everyone is raised knowing there will be negative consequences to lying…
While I did have that, I also had that there would be negative consequences to telling the truth after a while it didn’t matter to me I knew what the truth was and in time I learned not to talk at all, or answer my mothers questions and let her decide what she thought the truth was.

And I do understand how hard it is to believe the addict in ones life, that is why I am who I am and say what I say about not getting caught up in picking the truth from the lies.
I do believe that the lies serve a purpose, mine always did, just as much as I believe that it isn’t the lies we tell those around us but the ones we tell ourselves….and that plays most twisted when one actually focuses totally on them, whether one is the addict in the dance or the one watching.

And yes MandM I do see lying becoming a habit, but you know me I would want to know why it became such and I am curious, when your daughter was really done and over and working on her and it is obvious that she is not the same now.., are you seeing lying about mundane things.

Sadeye, my view is different…
The best manipulators are only as good as the ones they play with. It takes two for manipulation to work, we can always opt out.
When we react and we all have to those we love who use we start sending messages. We teach where our lines can be crossed, where we will not stand by our word, what we pick up on so they can adjust their behaviors, what we need to hear that will remove the focus from them…some sadly are so intimate with their children that they know their parents insecurities and fears so well adding more fuel for them to use to get what they want, money in most cases to use, or to set such confusion and make one feel as if they are crazy….
And why wouldn’t they act like this, this is addiction….it sure makes sense that an addict would use, and would have the associated behaviors attached to the addiction and do all they could to protect it.
Not so unlike parents who do all they can to hide it, and keep it secret….no so unlike parents who fix it all, and try everything under the sun to save and protect their children from the negative consequences of the addiction.
Family disease, sure looks it to me.

Posted by: MomNMore February 3, 2010, 4:42 PM
Nope, I do not see the lying anymore...honest to a fault, I'd say, painfully so sometimes ;-)

That was the context of the conversation...how silly the mundane lies were, and how very obvious and pointless. We both had a smile over it and she told me it didn't matter what the subject was, the lies came too easily. My take is that she was so deeply into self-deception - pretending everything was all right when it so clearly was not, saying heroin addiction was what she wanted when she was so clearly miserable - that the lies came first, well in advance of the truth.

She still doesn't like to hear the hard truths much, but who does.

And I know exactly what you mean about telling the truth and having someone call it a lie...well, okay then, you sort it out. I lied my pants off, "That's my story and I'm sticking to it," was my life's credo until I stopped getting high...so why would I expect anyone to believe me? I didn't expect it, nor did I care.........until I did.

Peace ~ M&M

Posted by: larrylive February 5, 2010, 12:28 PM
Well I don't know what to tell you all, I am sorry I am an honest crackhead. Seems not everybody wants to deal with truth and reality. I find it upsetting when people say they want to help and that they care. But what they mean is I'm a pain in the a** and they'll do what they want when they want.
What really gets me is when someone insist they know what's best for me, but they don't know me or my situation. And by insisting that all addicts are alike, or all addictions, only results in more suffering for those who CAN"T or won't follow a "simple program".
So I am insearch of a more complicated program,( I know, it sounds strange to me too), But I really need to stop smoking crack.

Regards,
Larrylive

PS Did I mention 60 some odd days without crack and three weeks of treatment completed.

Posted by: MomNMore February 5, 2010, 9:39 PM
QUOTE
But I really need to stop smoking crack....Did I mention 60 some odd days without crack and three weeks of treatment completed?


Give yourself some credit here, Larry...instead of saying you *need* to quit, say that you HAVE quit...60 days is kind of a big deal =)

Posted by: larrylive February 7, 2010, 3:41 PM
I HAVE QIUT SMOKING CRACK...I QIUT SMOKING CRACK SIXTY SOME ODD DAYS AGO.

Posted by: MomNMore February 7, 2010, 5:37 PM
Well that's rockin' good news... can I get more cowbell? Go you =)

Posted by: larrylive February 9, 2010, 5:21 PM
Well thank you, and you can have all the cowbell you like.

Posted by: larrylive March 2, 2010, 4:29 PM
What I meant to say was 80 something days ago, I'd be closer to 90 if Feb. wasn't so friggin short ;)

Larrylive

Posted by: Jadene March 8, 2010, 11:21 PM
Hello larry is that your name. Its 5 in the morning here by me and i still cant sleep day 2 no sleep whats new. Listen about what you said about doing this journey together that sound cool to me just one thing i cant promise to always be a good influence infact im the girl your mother worned their boys about not a good traight i know. Good luck going to see you daughter hope all goes well. I hade a phone in my hand and wanted some one to drope some stuff off for me I always say delivery with a smile, im just flipping out about the case on wed and then the one fri my son sms me and asked if i was in prison it made me fell so down i told him no. Is that wrong to let him believe that im not going he must have over heard his dad talking im the topick of many conversations according to my son listen i know im a f*** up but do they have to talk infront of my boys. Well ive been thingking that im giong to go to a rehab once im done in prison if i get out in one piece we will see. hope i can still chat to you when im out i hope so.. Chat to you soon

Posted by: larrylive March 9, 2010, 1:08 PM
Jadene,

Please know I shall keep you in my prayers. all we can do is try to be a little better each day, progress comes with time. Find what you believe in and hold it close to your heart.
I have very strong feelings about what your going through with the family, I am living it myself. I know I can not stop it from happening, but find hope in the fact that things WILL change.
My daughter refused to see me, but explained in an e-mail, for that I am grateful. Far better to know the truth, than to worry about a lie.
I sincerely hope you look me up when you can, it's an interesting thought; how much "clean time" we will have. I kinda envy you because I know I don't smoke crack behind bars, puts me in a weird space that trade-off. I have been dreaming about living in the woods. Getting some kind of outdoor work.
But I will be expecting to hear from you. And if you forget this space.......
I am always found at recoveredcrackhead at yahoo.
I hope you send me an e-mail, maybe we could work out a pen & paper thing.
Above all keep your head up, recovery from everything is possible and then the skies the limit.
Regards,
Larry

Posted by: Jadene March 10, 2010, 7:27 PM
Hi larry how are you? Hope you dont mind but i need to talk, Im realy not doing well at all. Im so down and feel like im falling down this black hole and there is no end to it and knocking on hells front door. Just want to well come you in to my crape world so just bare wiht me if you dont mind.
I come from a very abusive family and very poor, hope i dont bore you. My dad smoke dope all his life and never had time for my brother and i unless he wanted to b**** about what f***up we were. My mother was manic depresant and beat the s*** out of us for some reson we could do nothing wright in their eyes.
At the age of 9 I ran away from home 10 started smoking 11 started dringking and at 13 smoked weed 15 started mandrax by the age of 17 i fell pregnant i was raped for the 2nd time and my dad never spoke to me ever again i was asked to leave his home. Asked a old man that used to go to this pub if i could stay with him and he said yes. When i had my son i started dringking alot and my mom took my son away from me i met this guy that liked me but i did not like him i stayed with him for 10 years he slep with 23 woman in those 10 years even when i was pregnant 2nd child.I tryed to sort my life out but the sleeping around killed me inside. The last time i walked in to him and a nother woman we broke up that was mid 2007 the boys stayed with me but i started to use coke and extacy had tryed before but this was the start of all my s*** decemcer 2007 met this guy he wa a herion and crack addict and when i tryed it i loved it lost my kids and gave up on life. That is when i started robbing steeling theft and a few more i cant mention. When i did not make enough money he beat the s*** out of me we smoked all day and night iwas weighing 37kg and im 1,6m height and that is how all my court cases started he is gone and im still messed up WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? I lost my life and my boys.

Posted by: larrylive March 11, 2010, 2:03 PM
Dear Jadene,

Hopefully this post finds you in better spirits, if not a better place.
First and foremost you certainly have not lost your life (he says literally)
and I for one would never expect that to be the answer. I have spent some time in some pretty miserable places, alone, cold and hungry. But by the grace of God I am a stubborn Son of a B*tch and plan to go down kicking and screaming. Although I would much rather try a more polite method.
Last year I found myself in jail, for the first time, at the tender age of 46. So now I am labelled a felon and have to deal with that stigma in this stinking economy. So the job market doesn't look to bright. My solution is to avoid that for a while. I am getting involved with programs and hopefully will be afforded some assistance with living. But I digress.
As I said I was in jail and I was bound and determined to make the best of it. I did a lot of reading, motivational, spiritual and just plain novels. Hoping to learn and keep the mind active. I attended AA meetings and church services, more for change of scenery, but was blessed with insights not realized until after I was released. And I exercised-alot. In my cell and in the "yard". Which for us was an indoor basketball/handball court (half-court if that means anything to you; small) I also did NOT associate with 99.9% of the population. Not my crowd and I had no plans on learning their ettiquete. I found one or two individuals with whom I could somewhat relate and wiled away the remaining hours discussing future plans. It's all just a matter of staying in the right frame of mind.
You have got to what that change and youhave got to find whatever it is that motivates you to pursue it, relentlessly. Failure is not an option, but mistakes will/may happen. we just need to pick ourselves up, brush ourselves off and get right back in the fight. We are the only ones who can help us.
and so it is my belief that there is a better life head, with so much to see and do and live and love, that I will not qiut trying regain and renew my lust for life.
There are many bumps in this road, we can't let them distract us, all we can do is recognize them for what they are- sensations, little reminders to stay alert and keep on the path.
Plan with audacity & execute with vigor (that's some one else's qoute, but I like it)
It's your life J, make it what you wish it was.

Sincerely,
Larry

PS stay in touch, I can't come looking for you ;)

Posted by: Jadene March 14, 2010, 6:23 PM
Hi Larry t
Thankyou for your support once again.

Just wanted to let you know my progress Wednesday I was sentanced for 3 year I was in the holding cell and my brother came and payed for me to get out it was expencive he said that if i stay clean that there is no need for me to pay him back. I'm so relived so if you dont mind supporting me with a positive additued so that i dont go and use it realy helpes to have some one to talk to so thanks once again.

Then for my court order at the high court I have to sign my boys over to my ex I had no choise. All I can do is stay clean get a job and a flat and when i can pay for a medical aid and schooling then im going to fight for them with all i have I hope I can do this. Sorry to hear about you daughter but maby we will get a chances in the near future.

I have one more court case and then I'm home free, I took out my crack pipe the other night to break it but i could not do it is that strange?

You said you have been in times in places were you are cold and hungry and it strickes true to me so many time ive slept in my car when i had a car but I sold that for herion and crack the money only lasted me a week. But have also slept on the beach and all so stayed in a house with 17 drug dealers for 6 months and there were 5 of us in one room sleeping on the floor.

Some times they would not give me drugs unless i ate food i was only weighing 37kg and would just vomit if i ate but gave in when they would not sell to me. I tell you some time when I thingk of the things I've done it feels like a bad dream does that hapen to you to?

Well let me go hope to chat to you soon
cheers Jadene

Posted by: Rick Corrigan March 14, 2010, 9:24 PM
J: Seize this opportunity. Break the pipe. Go to meetings. Use every ounce of energy you have to stay clean and get a job. And good luck and you go girl!.

Posted by: Guest March 14, 2010, 10:40 PM
J......not breaking the pipe is not strange...its addict behavior. You are keeping one foot in the door.....not strange .....VERY DANGEROUS! Think about the break you just got...your brother bailing you out! Break it for him...for what he gave up for you.If you are serious about changing you have to renew your mind...and stop thinking like an addict. YOU CAN DO THIS! I PROMISE!
May God bless you!

Posted by: Jadene March 16, 2010, 7:04 PM
Hi Larry

How did you guys get so positive wish I could feel like that
I sit at home all day to scared to go any were.
Thought about what you said and I will break my pipe trying to ampe myself up for it so wish me luck how strange am I.
Phoned my dealer today so if you dont mind read my tread.
Hope you are doing well and will chat soon

cheers Jadene

Posted by: Jadene March 17, 2010, 7:16 PM
Hi Larry

Geuss what I broke my pipe and all my spare things I keep in this small box I threw them all away.
I don't really feel any better though but I did it is that the inportent thing.
I do have alot of guilt that weighs me down will it ever go away?

regard jadene

Posted by: larrylive March 18, 2010, 12:55 PM
Jadene,

Wonderful to hear your taking those positve steps, because that is exactly what it takes. And the more you do it, the better you will feel. It's not the action that feels good, but the accumulation, over time, of doing good and living good that makes us feel better.
I know it can be hard to understand how it works, I for one can't figure it out, but it does. It is good to lay down at night and know that I have been helpful and positive through out the day.
And I know it may sound funny, but I am not so much worried about the "returns or rewards" in this life (Don't jump to conclusions here) What I am most concerned with is how I will be remembered when I die. I can only hope that at least one person will express thier gratitude for whatever it is I may have done.
To qoute Walt Whitman "...to know that even one soul has breathed easier because I have lived, that is to have succeded."
Just think if everyone helped one person along this road we call life, what a beautiful world it would be. And if I can help two people, than I am actually helping three, because someone wouldn't have to be burdened with helping someone else. (does that make sence)
Anyway, just keep doing the next right thing, Which includes taking care of yourself. Eat right, get plenty of rest, and exercise your mind, body and soul.

Regards,
Larrylive

Posted by: Jadene March 18, 2010, 6:43 PM
Hi Larry

Just so you know you have really given me some food for thought and have helped me already. As I said you have given me some good advice and geuss what I threw away my box of pipes and all the other things in that box not that it made me feel differant but hear is some good news I put the little bit of pride I have left in my pocked and asked my brother to take me to some NA meedting and geuss what he said yes after all I have done to him he said yes.
I know that I dont really deserve a second chance but I'm going to take those small step the one's that I can take for now and who know maby I will also get the chance to help some one else some day.

Larry thankyou hope I can hold on to this felling for as long as I can

Regards Ja

Posted by: larrylive April 19, 2010, 5:51 PM
Greetings To All,

Sorry I have not been here in a bit, computer time is limited and I have been chasing the dream, in a good way, kinda.
I have started day treatment, got my own apartment, didn't win my lawsuit against my ex-landlord, might have save my storage space and have made some new friends and qiute possibly lost some old ones.
So off to the food bank and then a meeting. Gotta love spring weather.
Best to All,
Larrylive

Posted by: Rick Corrigan April 19, 2010, 11:37 PM
Congratulations Larry. You sound grounded. Nice to have you back here. Good luck and keep up the hard work.

Posted by: MomNMore April 20, 2010, 12:31 AM
Hello to both Larry and Rick...glad you are both doing well and moving forward. Enjoy the lovely weather (hope it's lovely where you are =)

Peace ~ MomNMore

Posted by: larrylive May 2, 2010, 2:33 PM
Hello to all,

Well I could not have the last post on my thread be dated 4/20, inside joke for addicts ( and I wonder if it is regional ie; U.S. )
So Back to helping others.....
Regards,
Larrylive

Posted by: larrylive June 9, 2010, 3:58 PM
Oddly enough....yes and no....good news and bad news

Well right around my last post my monies kicked in and of course I went out, although breifly. I am still in treatment, going to meetings and doing all the things I am supposed to, plus a couple extra ;)
The good news is it seems to be working. As I mentioned I started getting money and that first time it took 2 1/2 days before "Mr. Hyde" reared his ugly head.
I just went 5 days with a $20 bill in my pocket and no craving. I had to buy laundry detergent and a combonation lock so I am down to $10 and that doesn't count.
I have carried "pocket change" through out my addiction, but it has been many years since I was able to hold onto $20 for more than a couple hours without using.
I was enjoying the feeling of having that cash so much. Next time I shall be going for two weeks, unless I can get enough to buy sneakers and join the fitness center.
In the mean time I hope all is well with every one who passes this way. Remember...you have to keep your heads up to see where you're going.

Regards,
Larrylive

PS MnM thanks for the mention.

Posted by: larrylive September 14, 2010, 12:40 PM
And still no crack, ha ha ha
That's right I am clean since then (?May 4?) and I still carry money (when I can get it) with out the urge/craving to use. Isn't God wonderful. Yes I blame God for taking the cravings away. And the funny thing is God don't mind.
But I have also been made privvy of a little secret- pain works too. It's called aversion therapy, but'cha gotta be careful, it don't take much. It's the timing that's important.
Anyway times up, gotta see my woman, that's right she's mine and I'm hers and we like it that way.
Be Good
Regards,
Larry

Posted by: MomNMore September 14, 2010, 11:08 PM
Larry, that's wonderful...I was thinking about you the other day and glad to hear you're well...sounding better than just 'well' actually. Go you...

Posted by: larrylive October 4, 2010, 3:58 PM
5 Months and no crack...YAHOO. YIPEE. HOORAY
I am posting on MY laptop, in MY livingroom, with money in MY pocket and I will not spend it on crack. If it sounds like I am bragging, good. Cause I am darn proud. And there's a pretty lady napping on my couch and she ain't smoking crack either. I hope this last forever.

Larry

Posted by: MomNMore October 4, 2010, 6:22 PM
Yay, Larry! It will last as long as you want it to. Not that life will always be easy, but it has to be easier than scoring and using and killing yourself...has to be.

So good to hear from you, Larry...now if only RickC would check in, too.

Peace ~ M&M

Posted by: larrylive November 4, 2010, 10:38 PM
SIX (6) Months.......NO crack......Yippy Ya-Hooey

Thanks be to God, because through percerverience and brow beating I kicked that shtuff.

$80.00 in my pocket, $50.00 at home- got coffee & cigarettes, a laptop and a beautiful woman. Food in the fridge, a new pair of shoes and a smile on my face. Life is grand.

And if some one tells you there is only one way to beat your addiction, and it ain't working, it's alright, they are wrong. There are many drugs and many types of people. We all deserve to discover who we are and what works for us. I pray you find you answer qiucker than I did. The suffering sucks, but it does get better. Never give up.

Larry

Posted by: Squirrel November 6, 2010, 8:13 AM
I totally agree...wherever you can find recovery is good....everyone is different and what works for one may not work for another...as long as we continue to fight our disease and do what is working for us...we are ok.

Posted by: larrylive November 29, 2010, 1:57 PM
This recovered crackhead hopes everybody had a safe and FULL-filling Thanksgiving. I had 3.
That was not a typo. I volunteered at a local soup kitchen thurs. afternoon. Went to my sisters thurs. night. And then my girlfriends family's on Sat. Needless to say I am stuffed with turkey.
Still clean, still happy and loving every minute of life.

Larry

Posted by: larrylive December 6, 2010, 12:14 PM
Just passing by to brag....yes that's right this former crackhead now has 7 months clean and once again I have money in my pocket, with no where to be and no one to answer to, except God and myself. Oh what a joy it is to be relieved of that nagging compulsion. I think I shall do a bit of Christmas shopping, it's been a few years since I could do so peacefully.

Be Well,
Larry

Posted by: Squirrel December 6, 2010, 2:17 PM
:)....enjoy!!!!

Posted by: larrylive January 25, 2011, 5:23 PM
A brand new year, and a new outlook on life to go with it. I am npw trying to reinvent myself and perhaps return to the world some of the good things I have been blessed with. If you don't have a higher power, please feel free to use mine, it's got more love and kindness than the world knows what to do with.

Larry

Posted by: chela.renee January 26, 2011, 9:53 PM
Hi Larry. I want to first thank you for replying to my post about my husband. I am still not sure how to handle this- here I am in a foreign country and it's definately a completely different culture...! I come from a tiny little michigan town and this is a city of millions of people... At least I speak the language, but that isn't much comfort right now!
I am committed to my husband and I can't consider divorce- I read the replies here and another woman seemed to share my views on that- but she hasn't been here in awhile. My husband is a good man- and I made a covenant to love him no matter what. I knew his history, that he was a recovered addict, when I married him, and I chose him anyway. Right now, my resolve is being tested, but I will not give him up!!! God is bigger than this addiction!
I would like some input from you on how to NOT enable him. How do I support him and love him but still put bounderies in place when he knows I will not divorce him? I guess I feel pretty clueless about that part of this... Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks and God bless and congrats on your time clean!!!

Posted by: chela.renee January 27, 2011, 1:17 PM
Larry do you know anything about using gabapentin to help with cravings and withdrawals?

Posted by: larrylive January 29, 2011, 12:53 AM
Please see your thread, I went there first.

Oh and I forgot to say---take away his money. It's a start.

Larry

Posted by: larrylive April 17, 2011, 12:58 AM
Since I am in the nieghborhood I thought I might forewarn every body that May 4th I will have 1 year since the compulsion to spend my hard earned money on crack has left me. I wish to thank the God of my understanding, which is the same as the God of Your understanding we just have different perspectives and names for him.

PBWY,
Larry

Posted by: larrylive May 6, 2011, 10:37 AM
Guess what.......
One friggin Glorious year has past and I am so grateful to have developed the relationships I have. first and foremost my higher power whom I call Lord, but a rose by any other name would still fill my heart and soul with comfort and love.

Trust me it's worth the effort.

Larry

Posted by: lightacandle May 6, 2011, 7:37 PM
Larry, I am sooooo proud of you! You show that it CAN be done. Thanks for sharing your continuing journey.

Posted by: MomNMore May 6, 2011, 9:30 PM
Laryy, I am so glad you keep checking in. What a journey you've had...proof once again that it CAN be done. Happy anniversary, birthday, whatever you want to call it, I hope you enjoy it =) Big hugs coming your way!

Peace ~ M&M

Posted by: Squirrel May 8, 2011, 12:55 AM
I love reading your posts...no bs...plan and simple and right to the point. Blessed Be you deserve it!!!!

Posted by: larrylive June 11, 2011, 9:11 AM
Guess what....another month gone by and I have money in my pocket, love in my heart and God on my side. Oh, and a lot of work to do.

Hope you are well.
Larry

Posted by: constantine July 4, 2011, 1:29 PM
Larry...amazing posts...and congrats on a year ! Thanks for the hope

Constantine

Posted by: MomNMore July 4, 2011, 10:27 PM
I love me a little Larry...isn't he great? Go Larry =)

Posted by: larrylive July 17, 2011, 4:40 PM
Greetings to all,

With the hope that everything is well in your world, for mine is becoming more beautiful everyday.

Yes, another month under my belt and my growth is simply amazing. I no longer even think about what it used to be like when I have money, I simply thank the Lord for helping me along the way.

In five weeks I shall begin yet another phase of this journey as I shall be going back to school. I have decided to give back what was so feely given to me and shall be studing chemical dependancy with the hope of being able to help others recover from the hell we call addiction.

Regards,
Larry

Posted by: Jessi L July 17, 2011, 7:30 PM
I think you will make a wonderful counselor. I have been reading your post since the very first time I came on here. I know your words and your journey have made a positive impact on my life. Thanx so much for sharing! :)

Posted by: larrylive September 7, 2011, 11:34 AM
Guess what?......

This recoveredcrackhead is actually, officially a college student. I am attending fulltime in pursuit of a degree in chemical dependancy counselling. And I hate it, arrrrrgh. But hopefully persistance and my faith in God will change that.

Be good (to someone else)
Larry

Posted by: Squirrel September 7, 2011, 12:56 PM
How amazing is that!!! Miracles happen in recovery!!! Going ou to enjoy my day Clean and Sober and hope you all do too!!!! Good on you Larrylive.

Posted by: MomNMore September 7, 2011, 5:02 PM
Yay! Larry's here! Big man on campus =)

You will learn to love school just as you've learned to love sobriety...GO YOU!

Peace ~ M&M

Posted by: larrylive September 27, 2011, 12:04 PM
Ya, this BMOC is discovering just how much damage he's done. My head is certainly harder and thicker than I remember. I am hoping it's like clay and the more I knead it the soft and more pliable it will get.

Larry

Posted by: MomNMore September 27, 2011, 12:23 PM
Just keep it open, that's the main thing...the rest will follow, Larry =)

Posted by: Squirrel September 27, 2011, 8:18 PM
From the sound of your posts....you will be just fine. :) Honest, straight forward, no secrets, humble......carry on, sir.

Posted by: larrylive October 21, 2011, 5:05 PM
Drum roll please, while i toot my horn......

Mid-term Grades:

Human Services A
Sociology A
Psychology A
Statistics B

This recoveredcrackhead is proud...guess I need a meeting.

Larrylive

Posted by: irab October 21, 2011, 7:47 PM
Congrats to Larry
keep up the good work
Best wishes & Blessings for continued success.

Posted by: Squirrel October 21, 2011, 9:42 PM
Toot away...oh...I mean blow your horn...uumm.. I mean congratulations Larry...LOL. You deserve it!! Blessed be

Posted by: MomNMore October 21, 2011, 10:52 PM
HAHAHAHA!!! Squirrel, that was pretty funny...a little addict humor ;-)

Larry, I don't need a meeting and I am proud of you!! Jeepers, look where you were and look where you are...it is this stuff that makes me feel so hopeful for all those still suffering. You are a miracle...lots of hard work, but a miracle nonetheless.

Keep checking in, friend...so good to see you =)

Peace ~ M&M

Posted by: larrylive December 1, 2011, 9:05 AM
7 more days til the end of my first semester. I think I will sleep for a week. And then do it again.


Posted by: wannaberec December 1, 2011, 5:46 PM
Hi recovered,
I have one thing to say....you die recovering...high five for your accomplishments .....

Posted by: MomNMore December 1, 2011, 11:03 PM
You go, Larry...and have a wonderful holiday season...enjoy every minute of everything!

Peace ~ M&M

Posted by: larrylive December 22, 2011, 2:32 PM
Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays or whatever.....
personally i like Christmas, so many good things.

Like no school :)

Yup, got me a bunch of A's this semester (and one C, statistics)

Livin life to the fullest and thanking God for every minute.

Regards,
Larry

Posted by: MomNMore March 2, 2012, 11:04 AM
Bumping for Triggers...

Posted by: larrylive March 6, 2012, 11:44 AM
Thank you kindly Ma'am, warms my heart that someone thinks I may be able to help, inspire or motive.

Larrylive

Posted by: Erikano5 March 19, 2012, 8:56 AM
Hello Larry
Are you still going strong? Haven't visited for quite a while and was wondering how you were.

Posted by: larrylive March 20, 2012, 5:17 PM
Still going, although not strong. My life consist of school, meetings and my on again off again alcoholic BPD ex-girlfriend. Hopefully I am change all or some of that for the better, school and meetings I mean, she'll never change. So I have decided to increase my attendance in the rooms and do a little more homework. Shooting for the deans list. Last semester I made the Vice-Presidents List for academic achievement (3.5GPA) Mid-terms just came out and I am not doing so well, down around a 3.0. So without the distraction of MK there are no excuses.
Time to hit the books.

Larry

Posted by: MomNMore March 22, 2012, 3:29 PM
Dust yourself off, Larry...you'll be back on top in no time.

Mad respect ~ M&M

Posted by: cowgirl March 23, 2012, 12:46 PM
First time I've read this entire thread..thank you for sharing your journey with us Larry..

You are a miracle.

Just makes me smile....

Posted by: justme April 5, 2012, 10:49 PM
Hi Larry! I have read your threads and it does give me hope. My husband of 23 years has been using cocaine/crack for the past 8 years. He is about your age, I think. It has been a horrible time for my family. I have a 17 year old daughter. When he finally admitted his drug use, we moved back to our home state. He continued to use. He got a DUI, wrecked my daughter's car, lost his job in December and was lucky enough not to be charged when the police pulled him over and searched his car. The lab tested something they found and it was not drugs. I also need to say that he did go to outpatient rehab in October for about 2 weeks. Just last Friday, during an emotional Easter pageant, he nailed his addiction to the cross. (About 2 weeks ago, my daughter came home early and found him using). Then, just this week, he used again. I am not an enabler. At first, my reaction was full of horror and fear. Then it quickly turned to anger. Now, I am numb. I don't rant. I try talk to him about it. After this last time, He has asked me to try to help him be consistent- to remind him to take his medicine for bipolar, to remind him to journal. My counselor feels that I should not take all of that on myself, as I have enough to deal with on my own. All of this has left me so depressed and fearful. I am not sure he will really ever change. I am an elementary school teacher. This is not the life I want. Do you have any advice for me?

Posted by: Squirrel April 6, 2012, 10:36 AM
You just answered your own question....."This is not the life for me".!! It comes down to..stop trying to help the addict, and start protecting yourself from the addict.!! Blessed Be

Posted by: it'sjustme April 6, 2012, 4:09 PM
Thanks Squirrel. I joined the board, so I have a new name. Yes, I guess I did answer my question. It is so hard to give up the thought of a happy family. Also, I have a lot of guilt that I didn't do what I should have done. If only there were a rule book to follow! Sorry, I just feel really defeated and horrible. I told him to leave, but he won't. I said for him to go to rehab. He said he might have considered going, but now he is afraid of me leaving him and him having no job when he gets out. He "doesn't trust me". I guess my only choices are to leave or to stay and wait until the next time. :(

Posted by: Squirrel April 7, 2012, 11:22 AM
Yes...it is a hard situation. Please realize though that this is a classic manipulation technique used by many addicts. We always have a reason for why we can not do things, and we usually project the guilt onto the ones around us. He can guarantee if he continues to use...all of the things he mentioned will certainly happen. He will lose everything....if he seeks treatment some of those things may or may not happen. We are very sick when we are in addiction so, for someone that is "normal" is must seem very bizarre. Unfortunately, at this point you must love the person and walk away from the addict. Have you thought of going to Al-anon. It will get you in touch with other people that are experiencing the same...and they will help you understand how to handle the loved one that is suffering from addiction. You mentioned that you have guilt for not doing what you should have? Would you be willing to share that? Blessed Be

Posted by: it'sjustme April 7, 2012, 1:50 PM
Hi Squirrel. I meant that I sometimes feel guilty for having been in denial and anger for so long. Maybe if I had been less confused and more clear headed,acted out of "love but detachment"...maybe years would have been cut off of the suffering. I don't know. Anyway, to bring you up to date: he has agreed to go to a 28 day in-house rehab. We are supposed to contact them Monday. I have let him know that this is it. If he comes out and uses, I can't do it anymore. Is it even realistic to think that he could come out and not relapse? This is so hard.
Yes, I need to go to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. I should have also done that a long time ago. More denial on my part. I just want this to end, but realistically, it may never.
May I ask, How long have you stayed clean? What motivates you to stay clean?

Posted by: Squirrel April 8, 2012, 10:59 AM
I have been clean "this time" since 2005. What motivates me....that is an excellent question....I don't want to die! I knew at the end of my using that I was going to die. They say addicts have to hit bottom to get help. I had lost everything that mattered to me...and I had almost overdosed a few times. I would have this vision of my children finding me dead of a drug over dose. I could not do that to them. I could not let them go the rest of their with that memory of their mother. I made a plan of recovery..and I work that plan everyday.

I want to say to you....do not feel guilty for anything you did , or did not do. This is not your disease, your addiction. This is his!!!! As for your denial...how were you to know. Addiction is a very complex disease....and as addicts we become very manipulative, cunning and are excellent liars. Have you visited the board here....there is a board on this forum for friends and families of addicts. It may give you some insight. Please be careful of "false promises". I truly hope he goes on Monday..but for me, I would say anything, promise anything just to get through that day. If he does go unless he gets together a plan of recovery to stay clean when he comes out...he may very well relapse. Recovery for me is not 28 days, or 6 months , or 2 years. It is a lifetime. I have forever altered the way I live to be able to stay clean.

Posted by: MomNMore April 8, 2012, 8:17 PM
QUOTE
We are supposed to contact them Monday. I have let him know that this is it.

Let him do the contacting...HE is the addicted party and needs to take care of his own health and his own mess. Only let him know 'this is it' if it really is...in other words, if this is genuine boundary...say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean.

Working on your life and your issues and your happiness is the best possible medicine for what ails him...and of course, for what ails you. Try dropping in on the family board...lots of good healing there for those of us who live with addicted loved ones.

Welcome ~ MomNMore

Posted by: it'sjustme April 10, 2012, 6:23 PM
Hi again MomNMore and Squirrel,
We decided against in-house rehab, for the time being. He is going to his counselor, psychiatrist and attending 90 meetings in 90 days. He seems to understand that HE has to work it. Thanks for both of you and your advice. I do understand that HE has to be the one to take the lead here. So far, so good.
I will also check out more of the posting under Families/Partners.
MomNMore, I do mean what I said, BUT I am always weak when it comes to follow through. I am hoping not to have to go there. It may have been better if I had NOT said that. Thanks for the reminder.
Well, I hope you both are doing well.


Posted by: MomNMore April 10, 2012, 9:39 PM
Hi just me,
Just remember, we teach others how to treat us...we teach them what we will put up with...we teach them all about us and our reactions to whatever goes on around us.

Take some time for you...spend the time deciding what your deal-breakers are.

Peae ~ MomNMore

Posted by: annashorty2 May 2, 2012, 2:49 AM
wow,are you still in treatment..

Posted by: annashorty2 May 2, 2012, 3:05 AM
i just want to say,that with crack you never tell the truth and the one thing you love is that glass pipe ..if you are a crack head you would do anything for it ..and it doesnt invole telling the truth at all....you will love that pipe to death if you dont open your eyes..as for living with an addict,god does tell us til death does us part ..so are you going to love him to death..or sit there an enabale him while you sit there and watch him die,wow do you have chidren?do you love them enough to let them see this?come on god gives us enough since to know when to remove our selves to..iam not being mean but truthful..if you are with someone and you dont use......they are using you in a way to get high ..your car,your money,your home,your something and if you dont believe me you will...recovering addict 20yrs..theres no friends smoking crack...and there sure not no marriage because we dont love our selfs much less you or anyone else..just saying

Posted by: larrylive May 4, 2012, 10:33 AM
Hello, hello, hello,

May God's blessings be upon you and yours. (I love the way the good Muslims speak).

Almost done with school, I have to write and e-mail 2 papers by Monday, but I do not need to come back on campus. I just confirmed a passing grade which earns me a degree in Electrical Engineering. To bad I am studying Chemical Dependancy Counseling. Ya that's a long story.
Going camping memorial weekend with some life long friends, they will be smoking dope and drinking beer. (I know you're choppin at the bit to comment on that) I've been doing this every year for the last 25 yrs. Everybody knows and respects where I am in life. they don't even inadvertantly try to pass me the bowl anymore. (bet you're really sweating now)
You see the thing is, as my thread title(ya it's MY thread, you hijackers LOL) I am a recoverED crackhead, unlike Ms. annashorty2, who with" 20yr" is still recovering-what the hell are you doing with your life? Seems to me wasting it, get over your friggin addiction and move on.
For me it was people with that attitude that scared me away from the places I needed to be ie; meetings and rehab. but i refused to submit to attending negatively charge meetings for the rest of my life. And you know, I don't HAVE to, I may WANT to, but that's on me. My piont is it's not reqiured, we can and do recover. Some just move on, re-assimilating back into the real world, leaving their addiction and there past behind them. I say good for them.
It is possible, I have seen it, I am doing it and you can too. It's all about choices...make the right one's.

Regards,
Larry

May the good lord grant you peace in your day.

Posted by: annashorty2 May 14, 2012, 10:52 AM
i been where you are you can change..if you put in to staying clean what you put in to getting high you will make it

Posted by: larrylive May 18, 2012, 3:24 PM
Oh I am sorry I must disagree,

I had to put a hell of alot more into recovery, but so far it has been worth it and if things keep going the way they are I would almost be willing to say I have no regrets about my past.

Gonna be a Grandfather in 3 wks and I am actually invited to be there.

God is good.

Regards,
Larry

Posted by: MomNMore May 18, 2012, 6:52 PM
Larry!!! Congratulations! You will not even believe how wonderful this grandparent business is...my grandson turns two today and we are just in love with him...you will be, too. SO happy for you and yours =D

Love ~ M&M

Posted by: larrylive May 22, 2012, 10:03 AM
I am a grandfather. Going to see them tomorrow. I am so proud of both of my daughters and I must admit my EX did a wonderful job raising them in my absence, for that I will always be grateful.

Larry

Posted by: Squirrel May 22, 2012, 12:19 PM
Congratulations Grandpa. Another Miracle!!!!

Posted by: larrylive October 23, 2012, 11:53 AM
The Journey continues.....

Mid Terms for this recoveredcrackhead....

Alclsm/Subst Abuse Counslr....B
Human Life Science 1............B
Chemical Dependencies..........B
Eval/Meas-Beh Sci................A
Aerobic Fitness.....................A
Tai Chi................................A


Things are looking better everyday, Thanks be to God.

Regards,
Larry

Posted by: MomNMore October 24, 2012, 7:59 AM
Go Larry =) Always good to see you pop in here with good news...you are one of the miracles...

Peace ~ M&M

Posted by: larrylive February 4, 2013, 12:42 PM
Semester #4...internet at home....and the Ravens won..life is good.

Please don't think me ungrateful, but....I am not a miracle, but I do try to share them. Miracles are expressions of love and fascilitated by God. Therefore, well, look at me...this college kid is a grandfather.(and I have $20 or more in my pocket)

Larry

Posted by: MomNMore February 4, 2013, 5:35 PM
You sound exceedingly grateful to me, Larry =)

Posted by: larrylive March 6, 2013, 9:01 AM
OMG,

What a difference a month make.

One can go from heaven to hell really fast.

Generally I stuff, hence, shortly before my last post my apartment was flood. (Jan 28) It is still not fully repaired and can't be occupied. Two weeks later I found out the benefits that have been helping me through school will no longer be available,(fine, I'll get a job or take a loan)
So I have been staying with my GF of three years. She actually lives in the ajoining apt. (conveneint, we planned it that way) 8 days ago she left to go smoke crack, she has not returned, she is now $100 in the whole and she gets her money on the first. Now I am informed that she wants me out before she returns and the landlord is siding with her. Please understand when we moved in we undertook need renovations. I have re-paint my GF apartment, installed a new tub/shower surround, stripped the hardwoor floors,they aren't done because of the flood. But I have replaced MY kitchen floor, trying to speed up the process.
I know she has been in the apartment once while I was out and am afraid to go to school.

Looking for the silver lining.

Larry

Posted by: larrylive March 10, 2013, 12:42 PM
Recovery coaching is a new way of looking at addiction and recovery that focuses on working with the recoveree where he is at. It was developed by the Connecticut Community for Addiction Recovery (CCAR) in 2008 and since then, more than 2,500 addiction counselors and others have enrolled in Recovery Coach training. CCAR has found that when recoverees participate in coaching after in- or out-patient treatment, their rates of relapse decline several-fold compared with recoverees who don't. In 2013, City of Angels introduced the 30-hour CCAR Recovery Coach training, and will run two more classes during the year. For more details about the class and this approach to maintaining recovery: http://www.cityofangelsnj.org/recov...overycoach.html

Posted by: larrylive August 10, 2013, 10:52 AM
Would you believe they made this recoveredcrackhead the treasurer of my AA homegroup.

Wonders never cease.

Larry

Posted by: larrylive November 15, 2013, 6:27 PM
Spent Oct in Jail.
My crackhead ex-fiance and the crackhead upstairs conspired to have this party pooper removed.
Had to withdraw from school and a whole host of other mis-givings.
Neary a resentment tho'. The Lord works in mysterious ways.

That said, my new outlook, my new mantra and my new journal..."It takes a lifetime"

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, as wisdom is gained from experience.

I just started reading (again) Og Mandino's Greatest Salesman in the World .

The scroll marked #1
"Today I begin a new life.
Today I shed my old skin, which hath, too long, suffered the bruises of failure and the wounds of mediocrity.
Today I am born anew and my birthplace is a vineyard where there is fruit for all.
Today I will pluck grapes of wisdom from the tallest and fullest vines in the
vineyard, for these were planted by the wisest of my profession who have come before me, generation upon generation.
Today I will savor the taste of grapes from these vines and verily I will swallow the seed of success buried in each and new life will sprout within me.
The career I have chosen is laden with opportunity yet it is fraught with heartbreak and despair and the bodies of those who have failed, were they piled one atop another, would cast its shadow down upon all the pyramids of the earth.
Yet I will not fail, as the others, for in my hands I now hold the charts, which will guide me through perilous waters to shores, which only yesterday seemed but a dream."

Be Well,
Larry

Posted by: larrylive November 20, 2013, 12:27 PM
There is no failure except in the not trying.

Wisdom, unfortunately, is gained through experience. And as we make our way through life many of the difficulties we experience, it is learned, only happen because we fail to see. We fail to see other options or we fail to see the part we play.

When we hear WE must change sometimes we think about how to change our enviroment (people, places & things). This can be helpful, but it is NOT ourselves. It took along time for me to realize, that if I am an addict and wish not to be I can no longer be "me". I had to decide wether to be "cool" and suffer or be average and happy. It took a long time for me to realize that in trying to be cool, I was trying to be something I wasn't and what that was, was happy with myself. It took some searching, not around town, nor on the internet, but searching inside of myself.
It's not easy, nor is it qiuck, but becoming who we really are certainly is more comfortable. When you decide to look for yourself, you'll realize whats truely important. There is no majic words or buttons to push. It takes work and above all...it takes a lifetime to become who we really are.

Be well,
Larry

Posted by: larrylive December 14, 2013, 9:43 AM
Good Saturday Morning,

The day finds me in good spirits if not a bit chilly. It's 5 degrees and I have already been out on the bike. My daughters will be picking my up in a couple of hours so that we may bring my granddaughter to visit my grandmother. (That's a 5 generation difference).
After which I shall return to the church for more cleaning and organizing. We will have our peer-to-peer meeting and then I move to another room for the AA meeting. Our church is very concerned and helpful when it comes to recovery, but also very hands off. There are no religious reqiurements attatched to either groups usage of the facilities.
Speaking of which I have been given permission to use the gym for basketball and volleyball. I am excited. I shall also try to start a social-night with board games.

Time to get ready for the kids.

Be Well,
Larry

Posted by: larrylive February 20, 2014, 9:12 AM
"Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult - once we truly understand and accept it - then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters."
M. Scott Peck

Kinda sums it all up. Going to court shortly.

Be well,
Larry

Posted by: larrylive April 8, 2014, 9:02 PM
Just bumping for Sam & Oweing,

Thought perhaps you could use a good read about this recoveredcrackheads journey back into life. i am piosed to take a new job, first one in 6yrs. Hopefully the first one in 20 yrs where I won't spend the check on crack. For I have lost everything and more. But I now know it is possible to return to the real world and love life.

Be Well,
Larry

Posted by: Ron July 12, 2014, 3:15 PM
Larry, I am a suffering addict, who in desperation stumbled upon this site and your posts. I have read from beginning to end, and I am overjoyed that there is hope for those of us who still suffer. I hope that you will continue to post here, because it has become a great inspiration to me on my road to recovery. I usually get high every 3-4 days, and today is day 4. I do not, however, have the desire to use today. My guilt is heavy thinking about all of the misery I have caused my loved ones. What mystifies me, though, is why I am not as concerned about all of the suffering I have caused myself. If you have any information to share on this I would be forever grateful. I will keep in touch.

Posted by: larrylive July 13, 2014, 7:09 AM
Thank you, Ron

I can certainly relate to what you're talking about. It's almost like we become willing to sacrafice ourselves for this drug. and it will kill us. I unfortunately had to lose everything before I decided to make the changes need. Have you taken any steps to change?

Be well, Larry

Posted by: ElizabethCraig17@Yahoo.com July 28, 2014, 5:56 PM
Hello,Iam reading these words of encouragment for the first time and Iam an addict whom been striving to stay clean from crack and alcohol for years for so long I have been in denial thinking I could stop whenever I wanted to. I lied to myself and others around me. I stayed clean many times before for a good bit of time but never followed all the sugguestions of the peoples in the program when they talked about stay away from people,places,and things. This has always caused me to relapse. It has caused me alot of setbacks and hurt inside and resentments of myself and others.I found it hard to let go of old playmates due to the fear that no one in recovery would want to associate with me due to my relapes. However Iam reaching out to Larry. If you are still out there please help me to learn how to be alright with myself. I have had a year last year which was from october 18,2012 to october 2013. I felt very good about myself. Then life showed up and I had to change my living arrangements and became fearful and panicky not knowing where I was going to live. I ended up living in a rooming house where the lady renting the rooms was also acrack dealer.I felt at that time I had to stay where ever I could thinking my urge for using was gone.But Im sure you know what happened next. I haven`t been able to get more than 28 days clean. for the same reasons. I want my recovery real bad please help me. sign E.craig

Posted by: larrylive July 30, 2014, 7:50 AM
Dear E,
With the hopes you find this post in good spirits. it does sound promising, your relentless pursuit of sobriety. I wish there was something simple and direct I could say to ensure your success. But I can ensure you it is possible. As of this writing I have a couple of hundred dollars sitting on my desk and absolutely no desire to use. Everyday I see people I used to associate with, but refuse to engage them. This didn't come easy and, if you read this whole thread, you know it took some time. Persistance and determination are irreplacible.
I suggest trying everything you can think of to protect yourself from temptations. And yes that includes avoiding people, places and things you would associate with using.
You didn't mention attending any meetings, this may be of help.
Finding someone to hold onto your money is also a good safeguard.
Above searching inside yourself, getting in touch with the source of everything, will help to increase your understanding. I am in favor of prayer and meditation.
And take care of yourself; diet and exercise will greatly increase your well-being. I look forward to hearing more about you and your journey.

Be well,
Larry

Posted by: the outsider August 29, 2014, 7:43 AM
Larry.
Wow....
Your posts are incredible, uplifting and sad at the same time. The ups and downs really meant something to me because I know how that feels all too well.
I now, because of what you have written, want to stop bartending(I don't drink, crack and pot is my thing- but been feeling bad lately I'm keeping people get messed up, ) andcouncil people with drug and alcohol problems. Thank you for helping me open my eyes. Been to tons of meetings and they didn't make me feel the way your posts did. Thank you

Posted by: the outsider August 29, 2014, 7:45 AM
Also my boyfriend has stopped smoking weed. He is extremely crabby buy we will just be crabby together. And happy.

Posted by: larrylive August 30, 2014, 7:10 AM
Outsider,

Thank you, you're wonderful words fill my spirit with a joy I can not express. But it is the reward I welcome for all my hard work. I believe this is where the "give it away to keep it" comes from. That I could make a difference in even one persons life is my goal.

Be well,
Larry

Posted by: soberturtle September 3, 2014, 10:04 AM
Hey Larry,

I thank you for these posts because they are motivating me greatly to seek recovery....I really want to get there...

In your opinion , is NA the only way to recover?

great posts :)

Posted by: larrylive September 4, 2014, 6:35 AM
Soberturtle,

I am unsure how to answer your question. First let me say that this recoveredcrackhead primarily attends AA. I have chaired meetings for about 4 years and was even the treasurer for my homegroup.
If you're asking if the 12 steps are the only way, I would say for me they were what lead to my recovery/ This was because I reached out to God.
Are they the only way for everyone. I am told there are many approaches. Considering I am working on my degree in Chemical Dependency Counseling I must assume some of the other techniques have been verified. I also am pursueing my Recovery Coaching certification, which is basically a holistic approach. That means addressing mind, body and spirit. Which is where I am now that I have a solid foundation in recovery.

Be well,
larry

Posted by: larrylive October 20, 2014, 2:28 PM
Milestones.....

I have just made my finally payment for restitution..$545.00, in 9 days the judge will release me from probation. Who would have thought that this recoveredcrackhead could amass such a sum without running straight to the dealer? And my P.O. gave me a urine test. I mean really? if I had been using I would not have had the money. Some people have no understanding how (my) addiction worked.

Stranger still is the thought that exactly one year ago I was sitting in jail on a trumped up charge which changed the course of my life, yet again.

But now, I work full time for a charitable orginization. I am active in the recovery world, striving to spread the message of hope. But most of all, I am involved with my daughters. Helping my youngest improve her new house, for which I was invited to the house warming party over the weekend. (Even talked with my ex)

God is good and I benefit of the grace just for saying so.

Be Well,
Larry

Posted by: soberturtle October 20, 2014, 4:49 PM
you are an inspiration to all of us

Congratulations

you must be damn proud!!


Posted by: girltoday October 20, 2014, 9:04 PM
Way to go!

Posted by: larrylive January 21, 2015, 9:04 AM
Just a bump, to share my experience strength and hope.

I had to leave my job, but I am looking forward to starting a new one in a local hospital. My main goal is to get back into school.

Live on Purpose,
Laryy

Posted by: JOJO January 21, 2015, 10:24 PM
Larry,

Best of luck to you. Its funny. You came a long way looking back to the beginning of this thread. We had an NA convention in my area last weekend. It was great as usuall. I'd love for you to take a trip to Long Island NY some day. It would be great to meet you. Ive always get a lot out of your posts. Its been 2 1/2 years now. Keep the faith. Be well

JOJO

Posted by: larrylive April 24, 2015, 12:32 PM
Thanks JoJo,

I think you may have mentioned the Long Island scene before, I sure would like to get some time away from here.

The job at the hospital was not the thing for me, so I quit. Some how my name got brought into some scandel, but the victim "un-identified" me. But that was not enough. At this point in my life if you are going to accuse me of something I did not do, be prepared for a fight and then a nasty reaction, hence I quit.
Unfortunately one week later, when I arrived home I found a flourescent sticker posted on my door announcing the landlords loss of the property and ordering all the tenants to vacate.
So now I live in a cramped apartment I refer to as the bat-cave, as the is no natural light.

My tax refund was confinscated by the "man", due to my outstanding school loans.

Ironically the hospital did not offer health care, which I am in need of. So I am re-applying for public assistance.

A few bumps in the road of life, but I continue to push on.

I also lost my free wi-fi connection, so it's back to the library. Atleast it gives me a reason to get out of the bat-cave.

Be well,
Larry

Posted by: soberturtle June 24, 2015, 12:32 AM
Hey

How are you Larry,

Miss you here.

Posted by: larrylive July 6, 2015, 10:57 AM
Hello to all,

Hope you had a safe and happy 4th of July.

Soberturtle,

Thank you for inqiuring. For the most part all is well. I had to leave the job at the hospital because I was in need of healthcare (ironic, isn't it).

So for now I volunteer at the local Veterans Outreach Center. Still waiting to get back to school, but funds are lacking. So I take each day as it comes and always look to be helpful.

Be well,
Larry

Posted by: MomNMore July 8, 2015, 6:45 PM
Hi Larry, just stopping by your thread to offer a warm ((hug)) and a smile =)

I admire your tenacity and good nature...keep fighting the good fight, friend. Always keeping a good thought for you...

Peace ~ M&M

Posted by: larrylive October 8, 2015, 1:23 PM
Just a bump


Nothing new, still seeking healthcare/treatment.

Hope all is well with you and yours.

Regards,
Larry

Posted by: larrylive March 7, 2016, 1:09 AM
Just me,

How you doing?

Posted by: soberturtle March 9, 2016, 9:29 AM
glad you are well up and about friend,

long time haven't heard from you :)

I am still holding on at 6 months.

Posted by: Papa Bear March 9, 2016, 12:47 PM
Are you attending your meetings regularly, turtle?

all the best.

Bob R

Posted by: soberturtle March 9, 2016, 4:37 PM
Hi papa bear - I do
i am actively involved in AA and NA

Thank you for asking :)
hope all is well with you

Posted by: Papa Bear March 9, 2016, 5:00 PM
Keep up the good work !!

I'm doing well.

AA & NA have brought me to retirement and I'll be 72 yrs old in a few weeks.

Not bad for a hopeless addict/alcoholic who doubted he would see 1990.

Take care.

Bob

Posted by: larrylive March 12, 2016, 9:12 AM
This recovered crackhead can't wait to go to church tomorrow, then to the new NA meeting run by a nervous chap and we have been the only two people there. He thinks S.M.A.R.T. recovery might be a better (received?) format. Time will tell.
And then the Sunday Night Meditation Meeting, last week I asked if people would share their favorite prayer with me, via written copy. I predicted out of15 people I will get 2. And now I feel guilty for having written that. I am getting that "feeling" that I should have been more optimistic.
wow, what a bi-polar post

Anyway it's time to get back to livin'

Be well,
Larry

Posted by: larrylive March 13, 2016, 10:02 PM
I received 1 (one) prayer. It was given to me by a lady I have become friends with over the years. We both attend services at the church that host my home group. The prayer was written by her husband, may he rest in peace. He used to chair the meeting at the county jail, did it for 20 yrs. Usually it was one hour of Jack talking. I think the other "attendees" were just looking for an hour out of the general population. I'm sure it was part of my reason. I like to think he planted a seed in me. I guess I am sharing the fruits of his labor now. I like that.

Be well,
Larry

Posted by: larrylive October 31, 2016, 5:41 PM
I am sorry I have not kept up with my posting, it's been very busy lately. Last summer I attended the Recovery Coach Training as designed by CCAR. I also took part in an extensive series of traings offered by CAI-LTI, dealing primarily with Chronic Conditions (HIV, HepC) and Harm Reduction. Those included travel to some beautiful cities across New York state, Syracuse, Liverpool and Buffalo. All that plus I rode my bicycle 100 miles to volunteer at the NYS Recovery Conference in Troy, NY. I now attend meetings and forums sponsored by FOR-NY (Friends of Recovery-New York) and The Center for Family Living and Recovery. I think I would like to start a Recovery Community Center so I can share all this information.

Life is getting better every day, I hope yours is too.

Be Well.
Larry

Posted by: larrylive January 26, 2017, 5:20 PM
And so I have done it...or at least started.

I have been granted permission from my church to use their empty spaces and common rooms to begin recovery coaching and sober activities. I have been cleaning and preparing the office, talking with some other interested people and drawing up some plans and goals.

I have much work to do all for no reward other than the benefit of helping others. I like it.

Be well,
Larry

Posted by: larrylive June 30, 2017, 2:02 PM
Still here, still helping....

"Pathfinders" it is, my little recovery coach/sober activities group. It's not much as my AA home group is in the same biulding and they over shadow my work. It's actually fine with me, as I said it's my homegroup and I stiil participate actively.
Pathfinders has recently put up teams for The American Heart Association's "Heart Run &Walk" and then the American Cancer Society's "Relay for Life". Giving back a little at a time.I was going to run a half marathon as a means of promotion, but..cardiomyopathy, a weak heart. That's what the doctor told me. So I quit training and started smoking cigarettes again. I know didn't make much sence to me either. I have since been diagnosed with depression and given some drug I refuse to take. but I still help people in recovery...it's what we do.

I hope all is well with you.

Till next time,
Larry

Posted by: larrylive November 29, 2017, 2:50 PM
Lovin Life and livin Large,

Finding out much of that advice is true, especially the parts we don't want to hear.
Who knew keeping up with the Joneses actually caused so much pain and heart ache.
I have begun to live a much simpler life, although it's way better than when I was smoking crack.
Any way I am actively involved with an advocacy group. We work to get others to help those who still suffer. I still make meetings & sponsor. I am a recovery coach and peer-mentor. I also co-ordinate many sober activities. I like the ones that include my bicycle or my tent, but I'll do anything if it'll keep you sober.

Be well,
Larry

Posted by: 9 years clean March 5, 2018, 3:33 PM
Hi Larry I have not read all your posts because there are so many of them. I am reaching out to you because I noticed your posts started in 2009 which was the last time i smoked crack. Although I have stopped it still interferes with my life because I still have crack dreams that give me cravings and feelings of withdrawal when I wake up which at times stops me from going to work. Do you have any advice on how to make the dreams stop?

Posted by: larrylive April 9, 2018, 12:37 PM
9 years clean,

Sorry for the delay, but this forum is a bit slow. Actually all the forums seem to have slowed down with the advent of facebook. I can always be reached at the title of this thread. Coincidence, I think not. And if you think I have a lot of post here, google the title of this thread, or just thr recoveredcrackhead part. That's often how I find myself, lol.

In the mean time, I haven't dreamed of crack in a while. I don't think I would worry much about, I believe dreams are just the minds way of cleaning house.

Be Well,
Larry

Posted by: larrylive January 2, 2019, 6:29 PM
Wishing everyone a Happy 2019,

Still my life continues to amaze me. Even the problems are a welcome relief from what it used to be. I met with the Mohawk Valley Council of Prevention and Recovery today. Primarily because I am involved with "Friends of Recovery- Mohawk Valley" (We are in Central NY state) an advocacy that endeavors to let addicts know we can and do recover. I also have formed "Pathfinders" a recovery community service. I try to engage people in "sober" activities. So...it looks like I have found an allie and hope to take things up a notch, from being an out of pocket expense for me, to getting some financial and in kind support. I plan on doing some camping, hiking and bicycle touring next summer. Life is good, if you work for it.

Be Well,
Larry

Posted by: scdad April 25, 2019, 12:08 AM
It is always great to read a post from you. You're posts have been instrumental in my journey. God Bless.

Posted by: larrylive April 10, 2020, 10:50 AM
Happy CoVid Days,

Hope everybody is well. safe and healthy. as for this recoveredcrackhead. I am currently in my second year of service doing Street Homeless Outreach. I am also 5 days into my new living quarters, a 3 bedroom house with garage. Last week I lived in a slum apartment . God is good.
My stay here is time limited, but I need to get away from the old place.
I am here posting because the new place comes with internet (I told you God was good).
I look forward to being beneficial, I hope you do to.(that's the secret of my recovery, I learned it from a guy named Bill)

Be well,
Larry

Posted by: LivingIt April 20, 2020, 9:24 AM
Hey OP! I just want to tell you I'm proud of you. Great job on your long term sobriety! You're inspiring! My SO has been battling crack for 18 months now and he needs help and has admitted it. He is speaking with an inpatient detox and living center today, the program there is 30 days. It's about an hour and 20 minutes from where we live. I hope and pray God gives him strength to beat this. We cant keep $1 in the house without him taking it and he has pawned and traded so many of our possessions. It's so hard. Blew through my stimulus payment check in just a few days. Wish him luck!

Posted by: larrylive May 1, 2020, 3:06 PM
Good afternoon whoever and where ever...and when ever you are.

i'm still adjusting to my new place. So much room, yet I feel the need to own less stuff.
I know,it sounds weird. But, it's stuff and I don't need it. I've heard it said if I don't use it in a year I really don't need it. I have things still boxed up from 10 years ago. But I know once I get rid of something I'll be looking for it. I still hunt for things lost in the last round of crack life.
Anyway, I am home, "tele-commuting" plus I made my weekly hours yesterday. (Thursday). and I will be going back out to open and make coffee for our "rogue" meeting. My home group threw in the towel right quick with the CoVid_19. The church voiced concern for those that "need a meeting". I personally do not teach such dependence, oh the irony. Anyway, I'm there 7 nights a week just in case. (we get 4-8 a night) I also wipe down all doorknobs, railings, light switches, coffee posts and the chrome in the bathroom. And I supply face masks. Keep that between us, they were donations for my homeless outreach.
any who...what did you spend your stimulus check on. I'm not getting one and I'm good with that. I'm a full time volunteer recoveredcrackhead felon and I live in a 3 bedroom house with a garage and a white pickett fence, God is good, and if you're good and think good thoughts...well, what did you spend your check on?

Be well,
Larry