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Message Board > Families / Partners of Addicts > Loving And Addict...looking For Advice

Posted by: Lookingforguidance July 28, 2016, 8:57 AM
I fell almost immediately in love with this man 8 years ago. I knew nothing of addiction or that he had one. Two months after we met his beautiful daughter passed away, this began a spiral. His opiate addiction became known as I was trying to support him through his grief. Since that point my life, his life, the life of my family and his became such a traumatic blur. Fast forward, quick version, lots of lies and manipulation, lots of stealing, pain, anger, heartbreak,hurt, failed rehabs....i could go on because 7 yrs is a long time, we broke up again,this happened often, he ended up in jail. He just finished 7 months in jail and was released for a work program. So overall he has been 8 months clean, he loves me this is know and wants to amend the relationship. I am beyond scared and confused. I do love this man but told myself I couldn't live that life anymore, refuse to for my sake and my families. He's saying how different he is sober, how the person I always fought for and believed in is finally here and ready...that I need to give him the chance...I had been trying to move on...unsuccessfully because I feel my heart is with him...and now am so confused. I know no family member or friend would support this for the damage that's been caused has been overwhelming...just looking for some guidance, advice, suggestions?

Posted by: Rich L. July 28, 2016, 11:07 AM
Ask yourself a few questions...And I don't pose these questions trying to hurt or offend, they're sincere questions...

1. Why do you love him? Considering all that he's dragged you thru, continuing to stay with him isn't healthy.

2. Are you willing to lead a life of always being suspicious of him? i.e. is he lying again? He doesn't look well today, is he using again? Will he relapse again?

3. How do you feel about yourself? Do you feel you have good self esteem or low self esteem? People tend to fall in love with those they feel they deserve.

4. What was your own life like when growing up? Those that grew up in abusive homes (alcohol, drugs, physical abuse) tend to equate love and feeling loved with abuse of some sort...which is unhealthy.

5. Is he the only game in town? If you had several other healthy guys interested in you would he be as appealing?

He's a problem you're love can't fix, but you can fix yourself which is also a cause of your problems in insisting that you stay in an unhealthy relationship.


Posted by: Lookingforguidance July 28, 2016, 11:56 AM
Thank you, believe me it does not offend, these are the types of questions/ input that I am searching for. He does have positive qualities, he is a very caring person, good sense of humor, and i always believed if he could beat the addiction he could have potential to do great things and grow. I could see those positives in him. But yes I would probably constantly wonder if he's being honest, wondering what he's doing, and having trust issues...many times throughout the relationship I believed that he was not using, but come to find out he was, as well as items/money missing....
My father passed when I was young so yes I do believe those feelings contribute too...I wouldn't say my self esteem is low, in my head I know that I deserve to be treated better and deserve a positive heart battles the rational thought often.
Is it possible for him to be the person I believed in? I know part of his recovery is to make amends to the people who were affected, but how can so much pain be mended?

Posted by: constantine July 28, 2016, 1:20 PM
8 months is not enough time...a year or more...holding a job...paying his bills...working a program..attending na meetings....being responsible might give u a better idea....disconnect from him...don't wait for him...see where u both are in a year....the first 6 months and more is a tough time coming back for an addict...clarity is gradual...and working a program...hell...getting with a program is hard for us....he needs counseling. ..and na support....for a good long time before he can say he's done...if you have been riding this with him then you know this already know what you need to do..

Posted by: Lookingforguidance July 28, 2016, 5:01 PM
Ty for your input. I keep telling him he needs to focus on himself now and he says he feels out of focus without me. Arguments started when n he got into work release because I was trying to move on, now he's asking me to just be a spectator of his growth at least, he's lost without me. I do want him to get on his feet before I would agree to anything, hell the 7 months he was in jail I was able to gain the courage to purchase my first home and begin courses for my Masters degree. I don't want to lose myself again, I guess I just struggle with the hope that maybe this is the man I had been trying so hard and waiting for

Posted by: Rich L. July 28, 2016, 5:27 PM
Whatever you do...don't get pregnant.

It's not fair to the child to have an addict parent, and will link you forever to someone you should have the wisdom to have left long ago.

Sorry if I'm blunt...but you did as for opinions

Posted by: constantine July 29, 2016, 4:59 AM
truth is...he really doesn't need you...that's an excuse...and he knows it...this is only something he can do by himself...for himself....when and if he is ready....nothing and no one on the planet will make a difference or save him or give him what he thinks he's looking've re-built your not let him take you down with him...because he will....we convince ourselves we can't do it's BS...remember...were junkies...we know how to detox when we want to...we've all done it enough times...we also seem to be able to figure out how to score, use the drugs, come up with the money and live the life without anyone holding our hands when were don't fool yourself... let him go...he'll make it or not...regardless of whether your there or thing anyone ever did for me was to disconnect...not feed into the drama and craziness and emotional one, and I mean no one...can help him climb back out ...he has to do it alone and really really want it...this is what detox, rehab, and NA is for...


Posted by: Rich L. July 29, 2016, 9:44 AM
"best thing anyone ever did for me was to disconnect"

Thanks Constantine, this reconfirms in my mind that my disconnecting from my son was the right thing to do.

When I moved I changed my landline phone number and haven't given to him or anyone else the new number other than those close.

Now when the phone rings my heart doesn't jump...what a relief!

...also, on the positive side, I'm getting much fewer telemarketer calls too! lol

Posted by: Lookingforguidance July 29, 2016, 3:50 PM
I appreciate both of your thoughts and input. It does make me sad to think that many think that there's no hope, if someone is dedicated, works the programs, goes through counseling can't they be successful? They shouldn't be destined to have to remain in that life right?
With that being said I know it's never an easy ride, will always take work, and I'm not willing to be dragged down again.

Posted by: Ben&Bella July 29, 2016, 4:16 PM

I think everyone deserves a second chance, but after all these years, it sounds like he's dragged you through the mud with him. You've done very well for yourself while he was in jail.

Given the opportunity he will use you & take you down with him the next time. You can never be sure if he's using. He won't tell you. They lie & manipulate to suit themselves. You'll always come in second.

If I could wish one or two things for MY daughters, it would be buying a new house & getting their masters like YOU! Neither seems likely in my daughters' cases, but you've achieved so much.

Please don't let it all go down the drain now. If he's still using or wants to be, it will go down the drain.

Love shouldn't hurt ALL THE TIME.

Best wishes. You're on my prayer list.

Love & God bless you,

Posted by: constantine July 29, 2016, 4:26 PM can be done...but you have to work a program...remain dedicated and want it...for the rest of your don't just get over it and that's the end of's a life long vigilance...

Posted by: Lookingforguidance July 30, 2016, 11:10 AM
Love shouldn't huts all the time, very true....I actually have said that often. That it shouldn't be this hard and painful. I've decided that I need a plan, and i will "disconnect" for 6 months, give him more time to get himself on his feet, get out of work release, maintain his employment, groups, and hopefully an apartment ... then see where we are both at? Does that sound reasonable?

Posted by: Rich L. July 30, 2016, 12:40 PM
I think what sounds reasonable is for YOU to get some counseling as to why you're attracted to men who drag you thru the wringer.

A woman who felt good about herself would have run from this guy a long time ago...just sayin

Posted by: Ben&Bella July 30, 2016, 2:41 PM

I think taking a 6 month break is definitely a big improvement, just so you stick to it & he does too!

In the mean time it will give you time to rethink & process where you are now, and where you want to be in the future. As Rich & Con said, you need to reevaluate why you are attracted to this person & if you want to seriously have a long term or lifelong relationship to. I think you could do better, but that's your choice. I'd just hate for you lose all you've worked so hard to attain and achieve.

I'm glad you've decided to disconnect & see where things are in 6 months. Anything worth having is worth waiting for. If it's meant to be, it will be.

I hope you keep coming on here & also find a group, friend or other person you can trust to confide in & begin to sort things out.....and make your plan.

Love & God bless you,

Posted by: Lookingforguidance July 30, 2016, 3:23 PM
Thank you Dee, I appreciate your thoughtful words, it was still a large portion of my life, and he and I went through a lot of struggles together, his addiction consumed a lot but not everything throughout the years. I reached out on here to get a perspective of those who aren't immediate to my world to gain perspectives. I also believe if it was meant to be it will eventually be or it won't.
I have saught help during the most difficult times, things had began to smooth out once I was out of the whirlwind, I've been stronger, just having a hard time when it is put back into the forefront.
thank you all again

Posted by: NinaMaria July 31, 2016, 11:53 AM
Looking for guidance,

I prefer to think that our qualities rather than our shortcomings are what makes us stay when it would be so much easier to just leave and cut contact. We fell in love and stay for the great man they are, not the sick person they become when controlled by addiction. Empathy, strong character and selflessness are our flaws. Having said that, the same must be the case when we know we are or would be feeding the addiction. Let go with love, he needs to assess himself if he is to get clean but it doesn't mean that you stop loving him. You can tell him that. He is very lucky to have you, and I bet he knows, but maybe not taking care of you right feeds his guilt and fuels his disease. Be kind to yourself.

Posted by: Lookingforguidance July 31, 2016, 5:45 PM
Thank you Nina, as I stated in a post above he does have many good qualities, those are the things I fell in love with. I know now that many of my actions throughout the relationship were more damaging by me enabling him, I see those things now and know better. And I agree it's because we are empathetic and have big hearts, and I just wanted to help him through it, help him get better...but he needed to do it for himself and I guess jail was his rock bottom. He is in groups, he is going to I guess time will tell

Posted by: VioletMarie June 22, 2017, 9:00 AM
This turned into a 12 year party when I made the same mistake of falling in love with an addict/alcoholic in 1999. his addiction became mine as well. New Year's eve 2000 the man that said he loved me introduced me to crack cocaine. he needed the $$$ i was making (had my own business, my own sports car, my own place, etc., We partied together, got arrested together, and worked motels together. One night he even tried to sell me for $20 to anyone who would have me. I knew then that he no longer loved me and that he loved crack more. The last time I was arrested was in 2012. I was sentenced to a drug rehab center. It worked. I am now 5 years clean. I am free from my drug of choice; but, more importantly, I am free from him. The last time I checked online for him he was arrested in 2011 and was sentenced to 20 years (habitual offender status) for meth and all of his priors. I was arrested over 40 times between 2008 and 2012. My advice to you is RUN THE OTHER DIRECTION, DO NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH AN ADDICT!!! HIM AND HIS ADDICTION WILL DESTROY YOU!!!

Posted by: NyToFlorida June 22, 2017, 11:33 AM
violet - good post, thank you for sharing. Your post is a solid reminder for women and men in that situation. I am glad you survived. arrested 40 times! OMG... you must be one lucky lady! or have really good Karma.....