Switched To Tobaco And Its Stupid
Posted: September 5, 2020, 9:16 PM


Posts: 73
Joined: October 6, 2019



Ok so, I was sober and clean for 9 month no alcohol no pot no pills. Then the lockdown started and I got into a very angry stressful mood. I was drinking alot of coffee doing hard exercises, no meditation and yoga. One day I got into a really bad fight with my dad verbally we insulted each other he called me a psycho 'cause I was once hospitalized for my mood swings' caused by abusing lots of s***. I started talking to an old friend who sold weed, initially I was just chatting to relieve the stress 'cause he was really caring and supportive. He asked if I wanted some green and I said no but after one, two weeks I was so bored I asked him to get me some fast forward 2 months and developed the habit again and as soon as I got really into it like that was what I was missing, the dealer friend started not answering my calls and texts(I was ready to pay, but He didn't want money and was asking me to maybe meet up in his apartment ('cause he knew it was super difficult to find another dealer during lockdown) so what did I do? I said yeah I know the game u wanna play on me you junkie a****** you can only think of me and jerkoff you piece of s***, you're my real enemy, i downloaded photos of marijuanna and sent to him saying I found another dealer you can suck his d***. But really boy I blocked his number and throw out all s*** realated to pot, bought me some gum cigarettes and over the counter sleeping pills and those for heart beat in case I got into a panic attack. The first days and nights were hell but since I had done it before I knew it was worth it. Im fine now but I want to get rid of cigarettes cravings too. Its like Im addicted to exhale some object. The smoke going up and im watching sky and trees and mountains. So im more addicted to this moments of me going to the window its like a reward. The gums and lollipops didnt help much but im going to hang in there trying to get tough. I want my freedom back. These f***ed up systems wants us all slaves to some s*** Imma have to rewire my brain. Lets get it girl.
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Posted: September 6, 2020, 10:18 AM


Posts: 73
Joined: October 6, 2019



No. I'm being weak again its just mood swings getting judgmental. Im responsible for my actions and I'm holding my self accountable for what I do and what I did. Nothing should cloud my judgments so easily. God please help me. Meetings is not my thing. I cant connect to people. I prayed to higher powers to take the wheel and u know u can't trust your head when you're down. It's really scary For a few seconds I was thinking maybe I was wrong about that friend/ who wanted to take advantage of my dependency. Lord Jesus help me. Calm my hands and mind. Help me see things clearly. You helped me hundreds of times when I was trying to harm myself on purpose I can feel your presence even in moments of despair. Maybe I was damaged in certain ways when I was vulnerable but it's survival of the fittest and I swear on my dignity I have to take control of my life with his help.

This post has been edited by Momo on September 6, 2020, 11:07 AM
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Posted: September 6, 2020, 11:12 AM


Posts: 73
Joined: October 6, 2019



I made 3 nicotine gums. one for each day. by the end of this week I should be fine. Im keeping a diary of my recover journey. Im gonna reward myself with delicious food and nice fruits and try to meditate. I'm gonna be fine.
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Posted: September 7, 2020, 7:34 AM


Posts: 73
Joined: October 6, 2019



I did not have mood swings or panic attack my heart beat is fine. I didn't have cravings. Im so happy. The feeling of freedom I was missing this feeling of independence and power. Thank God. I pray for all those who struggle. For me too. Lord please release us all from our demons.
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Posted: September 12, 2020, 3:57 AM


Posts: 73
Joined: October 6, 2019



Ok, at least I know the moderator checks messages. I'm feeling gr8 today didn't do anything stupid and didn't let my head get ahead of me thank god for this forum I really am grateful and humble about all the things that helped me stay tough. Is it you lord Jesus or Mother nature or both. I'm still praying. I'll be praying each and every day to be on the right path and I'm sure you're taking care of me.
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