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Posts: 1
Joined: March 4, 2018
Posted: March 4, 2018, 6:13 PM
Hi everyone..
I’m at somewhat of a crossroads at the moment, so I’m hoping to gain some insight. My boyfriend and i have been dating for almost two years (i know, it hasn’t been very long) we knew each other in high school and reconnected a few years ago.. when he came into my life he was two years sober. He had previously been using heroin and pills regularly for several years. We made a terrible decision after being together for a year and moved in together. Way too soon, he was not ready and as you can imagine things got dark. It started with him drinking, a little at first then it became everyday. Shortly after he started using pills on occasion. I found out about the pills and left. Of course with his promise of attending IOP 3x a week i came back to thmy house. Eventually he started using heroin (at the time i was unaware). Mixing heroin and alcohol on a daily basis can make someone a monster. He had two violent out bursts where he put his hands on me. After the second incident i packed up my stuff and left. My leaving was a wake up call it seems and he spent some time in rehab and is now living with his parents seeing a therapist and attending meetings. After all of the things had have occurred during our relationship is it possible to restart eventually and for there to be a positive ending? Does dating/marrying/having kids with someone who has had an addiction like this ever work out? I know that he needs time to heal and work on his recovery i don’t plan on getting back into a relationship with him for a long time but could it ever work out? We’ve seen each other a few times to attend church and take our dog to the park and he has expressed so much guilt and remorse for what he’s done, he is an amazing man when the drugs aren’t involved and if he stayed actively involved in his sobriety could a relationship ever be a possibility? He is the love of my life and has all the makings of being an amazing husband and father one day, does his struggles with addiction take all of that away from him forever? I guess I’m just trying to see if there are any success stories, if it’s at all possible. Thanks 💖 This post has been edited by TrytryAndtryagain on March 4, 2018, 6:24 PM | ||
Posts: 1
Joined: March 5, 2018
Posted: March 5, 2018, 6:59 PM
Hey, I just read your post and I thought I might share my experience with you. I was with my boyfriend for 3 years. I met him in work, he was a bar man and I was studying for my masters. He had a drug/alcohol/gambling addiction and was only out of rehab for 5 months when we met. I saw past it all because I really admired him for turning his life around, we were only 22 at the time and he was very honest from the beginning. We got serious very quickly but it was a messy relationship, chances of relapse early on is so high. At the beginning he seemed so chilled out but eventually cracks started to show. Any sign of unusual behaviour and I would be stressing about a potential relapse. Every 6 months he would go through really dark periods, he’d ignore me for a week or so while I worried every day and couldn’t sleep or eat, then he would end the relationship by text in a horrible way and contact me again two weeks later, full of apologies and looking for another chance. I can tell you this happened maybe 6 times throughout the relationship and I don’t know why I kept going back. The same thing happened again a few days ago but this time I won’t go back. The truth is, their recovery is their number one priority if you can accept that then great. But there will never be consistency in the relationship. They will always go through dark periods, push the closest people away and you will spend your life walking on egg shells. I think they can work out but that’s only if you decide that you are okay spending your life worrying you will say the wrong thing or if you haven’t heard from them in a few days that they are on a binge somewhere. I did think we were going to be together forever, but the reality is a lot harsher. Sometimes love isn’t enough and it shouldn’t be that hard. If I could give you advice, I would say move on with your life. Let him sort himself out, because you can’t change him no matter how much you do for him, it will never be enough. I learned the hard way that you can’t fix people! Have enough faith in yourself to realise you deserve to be happy.
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Posts: 733
Joined: October 5, 2015
Posted: March 5, 2018, 11:08 PM
Hi, That’s “spot on” Irishlives. I would advise you the same as what Irishlives says. Why live like that if you don’t have anything tying you down to him. Taking chances staying with him and it doesn’t work out after children are brought into the mix. It’s not fair on the children to grow up with a dad that always in recovery. Getting better from drugs doesn’t just happen in months or a year. It’s sometimes an on going process that will continue for the rest of his life, if he doesn’t OD first. Sorry to sound so pessimistic but I’ve been going through this with my kid that’s been addicted now for 18 yrs....I feel sometimes that I live in between worlds, or I’ve had two lives. It’s hard to explain, it just never ends. Take care, move on, find a good happy life. This won’t be it!
This post has been edited by Mandm on March 5, 2018, 11:11 PM | ||
Posts: 1
Joined: March 15, 2018
Posted: March 15, 2018, 11:05 AM
Irishlives, I wish I could talk to you better. I am kinda in a similar situation. My ex bf broke up with me several times, sometimes he would just disappear and then broke up with me via text message.
He was addicted to pain pills but he has been clean for a year now, but he said now life made more sense when he was on drugs and his life was a mess. So he broke up with me saying he can't be in a relationship now. | ||
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Posted: March 16, 2018, 1:51 PM
I've met some amazing people in recovery, so i would say it is possible. However, if I was a young person considering a relationship with an addict, I would be looking at at least 5 years clean to even think about it, especially with herion. There is just know way to know how things are going to go. I hate to say, but I agree that I would move on.
Not that time in the program is magic or can prevent relapse, but you see a certain stability and maturity develop. | ||
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