Trusting Again
Posted: November 2, 2020, 9:30 PM


Posts: 41
Joined: October 21, 2020



Thanks so much mtnmom. I did read this list on another message board .I read it three times when I came across it. I saw myself ,really saw myself doing all these same things. It sunk in for me at that moment . Although today was a very sad day for me ,I have reminded myself 10 times today that I'm doing the right thing. I know it in my mind and my heart. Realizing I have had this way of dealing with things my whole life. Changing my way of thinking is already hard but constantly reminding myself is helping me get through my weak moments. And I did stand my ground yesterday when he asked to come back home. He is a grown man and I have to let him make his own choices whether they be good or bad. I cannot control anyone but me. I was proud of myself for doing that. So thank you again for your list . It was eye opening and I will keep it for when I need it. 🐝
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Posted: November 3, 2020, 10:02 AM


Posts: 327
Joined: December 23, 2018



Hugs Wednesday!!! You ARE doing the right thing. We have to care for ourselves first. When you are feeling weak or anxious or depressed or angry, come on here & lay out you feelings, brutally honest!! No one here will ever judge you but we will reassure you

Remember: You didn't cause this, you can't control this & you can't cure this.
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Posted: November 3, 2020, 10:17 AM


Posts: 327
Joined: December 23, 2018



and remember Addicts are MASTER manipulators, liars & con artists. My son would fly into an out of control rage - screaming, cursing, threatening, calling us names, etc. He would call & leave a message because most of the time we wouldn't accept his calls. We were in Canada on a 40th anniversary trip & he would call numerous times a day & Canada is considered an international call. Then we'd get a phone call from a private, in-house rehab facility telling us that he is begging for help & wants to check in, are we going to help him gain his life back? I told them that first - I don't have the money to pay for my 45 year old son's treatment, 2nd - I've given him every crisis number for the mental health/county treatment center in the area he was staying, 3rd - he was fired from his job & has no money for treatment & finally he had just called me raging from his meth use & accused me of horrible things. So NO, I won't help pay for this. This is his problem, he needs to figure it out..... The things he did to family members for a couple of years was beyond my wildest nightmares
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Posted: November 3, 2020, 12:02 PM


Posts: 41
Joined: October 21, 2020



I have finally hit the spot with my daughters. They have both admitted that they are finding it hard coping with having an addict for a brother. They have been denying that they need som counselling. Now that their brother has fallen again and is in the same small town as them they both are admitting that they are worried they will see him out on the street soon and it will impact them immensely. They are both in high school and the homeless shelter and safe injection site is literally a block from their school.who decided it was a good idea to put that stuff between two schools I don't know but all the kids walk through this everyday. They cannot get a break from it. Now they are worried that they will run into their brother out there. Being in high school,being kids they will be embarrassed about this . I have told them that it is not their fault,they did nothing wrong. It is their brothers addiction that has made this situation. The girls have both agreed to go to some counselling and I know they need someone besides me to talk to about this. I feel bad for them. They have had it with their brother and I don't blame them. They deserve to grow up without these worries. If anyone here knows of some good online teen chat rooms or message boards like this one.i would be thankful for any suggestions. These two girls have been through it all with us and now it's time to put them first. The impact of addiction has touched three generations of my family. I really thought I had overcome my childhood issue but I now see that it was just an illusion and now my girls are in the same place I was as a child. I still have a chance to have a different outcome. I don't want my girls to struggle the way I did and have it all come up later in life. I will get them some support so they will understand all this better than I did at their age. I know I seem to say this all the time but thank you all for being here for me. If we can't help our loved addicts at least we can help each other a little with this kind of support.🐝
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Posted: November 3, 2020, 5:12 PM


Posts: 1746
Joined: June 27, 2016



Hello, my son’s addiction did not hit bottom and become all consuming until the last 5 years. His younger sisters did not have to deal with it too much in high school. The only online resource I know of is SmartRecovery.org. I have not done online classes, but have ordered a work book and browse the site for educational purposes. They have information for friends and family, idk if there are meetings for friends and family.

Since it is a small town see if your daughters can see some one to talk to out of town.
I would consider seeing a therapist together and a few minutes separately if they need to.
Find a therapist who has a background in addiction and teen psychology.

On this website I saw a few books for siblings.

It is worrisome that your daughters might see their brother on the street. Stressful for them.
I have been glad that my son is not near by. I know he would have been showing up at my work for $ or to borrow the car. My house is far from the train station but it does bother me that it is a possibility that he could show up, out of the blue. Luckily he is not angry or violent. I don’t want to be put on the spot, to be asked for something that I don’t want to do.


This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on November 3, 2020, 5:17 PM
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Posted: November 3, 2020, 5:45 PM


Posts: 2340
Joined: February 20, 2010



Wednesday, I understand how you feel, I think you didn’t flip out because like most of us you were waiting for it. My son, age 37 has used, other than prison and,jail since he was,18. It has been hell, I have to totally occupy my mind with other things because it will consume every one of my waking moments.it is ptsd, train your mind to refocus every time it goes there, it isn’t easy, it is hard work and hell. My son has used every substance known. Currently it’s meth, and this is the worst. At your sons age, get him out of the house, he is old enough, people have told me that all my life, yet I have trouble with my own advice. It’s on him, he’ll do what he wants, even under your nose, stop the crazy now, you’ll end up like me
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Posted: November 4, 2020, 1:53 AM


Posts: 41
Joined: October 21, 2020



Thanks nytoflorida,I appreciate the info. It's hard to find the right groups. It took me ages to find this site for myself. 🐝 And yes momg I am constantly stopping my mind from getting to carried away. I have also noticed that I am so jumpy all the time. I Jump when someone comes around the corner. Startled by everything lately. I think it's my nerves. Is this a symptom of PTSD? I need to read up on PTSD . Thanks for your input 🐝

This post has been edited by Wednesday on November 4, 2020, 2:02 AM
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Posted: November 4, 2020, 9:59 AM


Posts: 1746
Joined: June 27, 2016



Thought - at the end of the day or once a week, give 30 minutes to your daughters to talk about their brother. Set the timer, don’t it. This might help to be able to push all the bad thoughts off to the end of the day. It might help them to have a time to discuss it. You can later google questions and find answers and come back to the table with helpful advice.

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Posted: November 4, 2020, 2:05 PM


Posts: 41
Joined: October 21, 2020



What a great idea nytoflorida! I will do exactly that. My son showed up here at 4 am.out of his mind on meth I think. Thinking someone was after him. Thank god my husband came home yesterday. He was up and talked to him ,when he came down a bit he drove him back into town. He said he knows he should have stayed in treatment longer than two months. I'm just glad my husband was home to deal with him. I can't see him like that. It's to upsetting for me.my PTSD kicks in over the smallest things and seeing him out of his mind is the worst thing ever. . Nytoflorida how are things with you? 🐝
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Posted: November 4, 2020, 8:05 PM


Posts: 1746
Joined: June 27, 2016



My middle child (daughter) joined the army at 19 and missed out on living at home during her brothers addiction. Our son's job after college took him to other locations for a year at a time. He was away for a year, home for a year. It was during this time we though something was going on but could not figure it out. Our youngest daughter had the joy of being home throughout the ups and downs. Sometimes I would talk to her about things, sometimes she would explode And say ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ then I wouldn’t tell her things and she would say ‘ you don’t tell me anything!’
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Posted: November 5, 2020, 1:26 PM


Posts: 41
Joined: October 21, 2020



It's so hard to watch it destroy our family nytoflorida, my youngest daughter is like me . It comes out as big emotions.she talks to her friends about it and they are good kids. At least she is being somewhat open about it. My oldest daughter has shut down completely..playing games in her room. Not wanting to be around anyone much. The rash on her face seems to be getting a bit better but I worry about them a lot. They have both seen things that no child should see. And they have seen me broken and struggling to keep my head above the water. But they have also seen me be strong and deal with situations that come at me that would scare anyone. So I'm hoping they see the good things I have done to cope with all this horrible stuff. I talk to them about it openly but omitted the super scary parts. I always blame the drugs and the addition not their brother. Letting them know he does love them he is just not himself when on drugs and that he is struggling as well. I can get them some counselling so they can cope with their feelings and I let them know that any feeling they have are normal and understandable in this situation. I also let them know that it's hard for me and dad as adults to deal with this and it must be even harder for them and they are very much loved. I have also admitted that I am learning how to deal with all this as it comes at us and that I have made mistakes sometimes that have not always been good for them. I am not perfect far from it but I am learning and making better choices for myself and them. I do feel I can be a better mom to them by putting them first and not their brother. I feel very bad sending them an unconscious message that he is more important than them. Not the case but they certainly have the right to feel like that. Knowing better I can do better by them. Nytoflorida how is your youngest doing? 🐝
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Posted: November 7, 2020, 8:35 AM


Posts: 209
Joined: November 10, 2019



I think the best example to show our other children and also our child with the addition is to keep living our life. Keeping a good balance in our life of work, friends and family, hobbys, Faith, self care, etc. It's easy to spend all our time focused on addiction and them. We care about them however we can't let it consume us. The evil of addiction is it wants to destroy everyone and I'm not going to let it. I'm not going to let it steal my life away like it has my daughter's. I love my daughter dearly. Its important for me to keep perspective and be grounded.
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Posted: November 7, 2020, 1:42 PM


Posts: 1746
Joined: June 27, 2016



Sallyanna- it is true, that is where we get to. Either we go down with the ship or we pull out our life vest ! Going down with the ship does not help anyone. Staying above the water line helps keep your life and family life on track.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on November 7, 2020, 1:46 PM
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Posted: November 8, 2020, 3:05 PM


Posts: 209
Joined: November 10, 2019



So true NTF. My daughter, much like your son, has had many opportunities to turn her life around. As you said in a previous post, they may not even want to be in recovery for whatever reason. At some point, after many, many years of her bad choices, she is experiencing the consequences. This would be true for any of us who makes choices in life. I can work to make a living or I could go rob the nearest bank. Well, the consequences of robbing the bank would likely be prison. She has to own the consequences of her choices. At the same time, if she wanted, she could start making positive decisions no matter how small it would be a step in the right direction.
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Posted: November 8, 2020, 8:33 PM


Posts: 1746
Joined: June 27, 2016



Yes - that is exactly how I feel about my son. It isn't too late. He can still turn this around. Not as easily as he could have a few years ago... He has dental work that needs to be done since a year ago. For a long time I could not understand why he does not figure out how to get it done. He just says 'he doesn't like dentist' . I now think the drugs/meds he takes might have adverse reactions if mixed with Novocain or anesthia used for getting wisdom teeth pulled.

he has been living at shelter and dentists opened in July, 'normal' would have had the past 4 months to find a dentist and set up a few appointments and have a room to go 'home' to recooperate from getting teeth pulled, at a time when he is not working or have major obligations. He can go all over the city on public transportation, but can not find a dentist.

Last week he texted that he was in the hospital, fell in the shower, severely dehydrated. I don't think I believe it. there's no reason he should be dehydrated, water is free. If he did fall it was because of drugs, I don't believe he was in the hospital.

Ugh... thanks for listening.

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Posted: November 11, 2020, 3:15 PM


Posts: 41
Joined: October 21, 2020



Agree with all you have said sallyana and nytoflorida. It's just so hard to watch them continue to make bad choices. Over and over. It's a bad movie that never seems to end. I hope for an upturn with both your son and your daughter. It's the little bit of hope that keeps us all going day after day. 🐝
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Posted: November 12, 2020, 12:32 PM


Posts: 209
Joined: November 10, 2019



I do have hope for my daughter and will always be available for her. I can not support her addiction or her poor lifestyle choices. I tell her there are always options and she has excuse after excuse. I always tell her it can't be any worse than you are living right now? In fact, it would be a vast improvement. I think the longer she has been using (many years now) a life of sobriety is more foreign and not very desirable, maybe even scary. I'm just assuming though because I really don't know. It's very hard for me to understand.
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Posted: November 13, 2020, 12:19 PM


Posts: 41
Joined: October 21, 2020



Going for two days on the beach to heal myself. Much needed time for just me. I have never gone on a mini vacation by my self. It should help a lot . Husband will deal with my son . I can't wait to get away from all this .taking all the great advice given here and taking care of myself for once. 🐝
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