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Message Board > Families / Partners of Addicts > Trying To Cope

Posted by: Sallyana November 10, 2019, 1:08 PM
I'm finding it really hard to see my daughter struggling so much. Without going into alot of specifics, she's now homeless, has little money, lost her car, and much more. She doesn't see the value of trying detox, treatment because in her mind it lead her to the situation she's in. I reinforce to her when we talk getting off drugs is her hope for a better life. She won't go to a shelter because she says they are dangerous and they won't let her dog stay there. I did pay her health insurance to keep it going and I borrowed money to keep her storage unit. I don't have any extra money and I can't have her live with's too much for me to handle. It just feels awful though...any thoughts much appreciated.

PS I had to resign in and had to change my users name now spelled Sallyana

Posted by: Parenting2 November 10, 2019, 9:11 PM
So sorry to hear this. I am dealing with the same mentality and it is so head-banging frustrating and mind-boggling. It seems like they can't have logical thoughts, but there is nothing to do to help them. For example, my son constantly runs out of gas. He never learns from this. He always runs it to way past E, and always seems sad and confused that his car is "stuck". He never even uses the phrase "out of gas".

I've started trying to think of all of this as being part of some plan-that we all have our path and some people's paths are just this addiction path. I guess I am not sure I really believe it but it helps me let go. But, YES it is so hard and tough on the heart.

I feel for you. I am in the same boat that we cannot live together. We can barely have a conversation without it being "my fault". Tough stuff.

Were here for you.

Posted by: mtnmom November 10, 2019, 10:32 PM
This was one of the hardest times (we've had several!) with our son, but we all (even his brothers) learned to end all of his pleas & woes with What are you asking for? Are you saying you are ready for help? Let's me call 911 & let's get you help" He got tired of us not falling apart with his threats & lies, he would threaten that he couldn't go on or that he was homeless & living in a tree fort or in the forest..... He got tired of us suggesting that he get help but that said - he also stopped all contact for approx. 6 months, changed his address & phone number and when he DID call again, it was bawling & sobbing into the phone that he can't go on & it was on the anniversary of my mom's death so it was a horrific day.

Eventually I learned these things were all just manipulation topics. Mean, emotional tools in his psychotic mind. He is a master of manipulation & lies. I had a conversation with him yesterday & set some new boundaries. Told him that I'm very proud of how well he is doing right now but we worry every single day about him. Even now that he is working & is feeling much happier, we still panic when he calls or when he doesn't call. And I told him we don't want to hear about his crazy actions & situations when he was high. His dad is 68, I'm 61 and because of his addiction we also have anxiety disorders & hearing that causing much anxiety for us. I told him if he needs someone to talk to those things about, he needs to do it in his meetings or with a therapist because we can't help him.

Sallyana, your daughter is still making these choices. Unfortunately every single thing you do or try to do will not change anything until she makes better choices. It is so hard to watch our children struggle, even at their own doing

Posted by: AddictMomMerryGoRound November 12, 2019, 8:09 AM
I understand your pain and trying to cope! Our son is also in the active stage of addiction and it takes so much out of the family. He has been homeless since the end of May and every interaction with him is typically hostile...our fault and we didn’t do enough for him. I pass him on the road every couple of weeks and it still breaks my heart every time. Our temperatures have dropped to single digits and I am up not sleeping...wondering and praying that he survived the night in his tent.

I have to continually reassure myself that nothing I do or say is going to change his mind and that he needs the consequences of his choices to want a change. I honestly thought that change would have come already or worse he would be in jail or died. I have been seeing a counselor for support and I am working on accepting this is our reality for now. I do not know what or if anything will change and that is so hard as a parent. I continue to tell him that we will support him if he chooses to enter long term rehab, as he has already done short term rehab five times that we paid for.

Most don’t understand the heartache of a child who suffers from major addiction issues. You have done all that you could and now it is up to them.

Posted by: mtnmom November 12, 2019, 4:23 PM
Very true Merrygoround Mom.... unless one has walked in our shoes, no one understands the heart wrenching decisions we have to make.

Posted by: Sallyana November 16, 2019, 10:58 AM
Thank you for your posts. I know we all share this level of heartbreak that many people (with non addicted adult children) will never feel or understand.

My daughter was making some good progress in the past week and she was hopeful. She found a room in a really nice neighborhood to rent with all bills paid and very convenient to shopping. She also started on methadone which, as bad as her heroin addiction is, she really needs it as a step down. She is driving Uber with a car she rents from the people she rents her room from. They have it as a side business. She rents it on a day to day basis. She has driven Uber before and she likes it. Things were looking up and she sounded good then....the people told her she had to be out by Dec 31. They have a family member that needs a place to really crushed her because it was some stability and she was making money. My heart just broke for her (again). It seemed like the perfect set up for her.

Now she's facing being homeless again

Posted by: NyToFlorida November 16, 2019, 11:27 AM
SA - That's awful! OMG how many heartbreaks can we take! The only thing I can offer is advice to keep her spirits up. Tell her to stay calm. Stay on track. and most important for her not to jump into a living situation that will be detrimental to her well being just because she is desperate to find another situation. Things can change in 6 weeks - maybe she will be able to stay, or if she finds another place to live, maybe she can still drive the Uber. Encourage her to make the most of her good situation for now - that she will not be homeless thru the holidays. she can make progress each week and has time to prepare for finding another living space. as she becomes healthier over the next 6 weeks a healthier situation will arise. while she is in a stable environment she can start putting healthier choices in place. like getting her health ins back or applying to services that will help long term, housing - disability - in our community there is emergency housing and low income housing - I'm sure it is difficult to navigate, but she can start just getting on some lists. maybe you can help by making phone calls and filling out forms to streamline the process she needs to go thru. I know you have probably done this so many times, and it is exhausting.

Talking about path and karma and the universe... Sometimes they are given what they need for the moment. then they have to use what they gain to get to the next spot. the door opens a crack for a different path, either they see it and take it - another step into the unknown - or they stay on the path they are comfortable with.

I know the first feeling is to just give up and self sabotage her situation. encourage her to understand those feelings, but not to react to it. not to ruin what she does have today. If she can stay friendly with those she is living with and working with, maybe something will come up. If she becomes too negative and discouraged, it will drive people away. easy to say, difficult to do.

reach out to the organizations in the community. hopefully someone will 'hear' her and be able to extend help. she has some time and should not jump to quick to something or someone that might see an opportunity to take advantage of her.

what a roller coaster for you! I get it..... one snapshot - despair thinking about 6 weeks from now, another snap shot - hope for today, hope for this week...

after years of encouraging my son to 'hope for the best' 'it could be worse' 'a new start' …..
I have heard him say he's tired of 'starting over' 'there's no hope' ' nothing gets better' 'people say they will help and they dont' 'the programs lie and you cant believe anything they say'....

Posted by: Sallyana November 16, 2019, 7:49 PM
Thank you NTF your words of encouragement are very helpful for when I talk to her. I hope she doesn't get too discouraged. It seems her whole life since she was 13 has been one disappointment after another. Nothing seems to work out for her.

My daughter says the same phrases your son says exactly......and I say the same phrases you do. I appreciate your post and all the helpful insights. I hope your son is doing okay and he's in a safe place.

Posted by: Parenting2 November 16, 2019, 9:27 PM
Hi Sallyanna,

I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you.


Posted by: Sallyana November 17, 2019, 2:00 AM
Thank you P2

Well....I called my daughter tonight and she was kicked out of the home this morning. I don't know what the truth is but according to my daughter when she got up this morning he asked her to leave. She argued she had til Dec 31st and he started yelling and he called the police. The police took her to a motel because I guess they both were arguing and yelling. Now she's with other people like herself in some scuzzy hotel room and I'm sure she's doing drugs. She was blaming everyone (but herself) for the situation she's in.

I don't know how we are suppose to live with this...Its so awful...

Posted by: Sallyana November 17, 2019, 11:52 AM
I don't think anything about the pattern of my daughter's life is going to change until she decides she needs help to get off drugs. She used to try and she'd go. She's been many times. This past year her addiction has gone full blown and I know at one time she was adding another drug to the mix. Now she has little money or even no money. I think in some twisted way, she thinks she can have her addiction and as long as she can find a place to live and have some money she'll be okay. Obviously not....Life doesn't work that way. I will keep praying she finds herself and gets the help she needs.

Posted by: NyToFlorida November 17, 2019, 4:51 PM
Augh! Sorry!

your right about them wanting everything to stay the same, yet be better.

my son would often say ' I'm doing everything right, and look what happened' truth is, he wasn't doing everything right, he's doing 80% right. by the time he exhausts all options and he's ready to be 100% clean, there's no options left, he burned thru them all. then he looks at his situation as a sober person and sees that he is at the bottom and does not understand how he got there. and a sober person is pretty depressed at that situation, so lets do some drugs. (sorry, I'm getting cranky)

As weird as this sounds, it has everything to do with Rules. I will write more later.

I heard this statement somewhere - 'I'm trying' is what people say when they aren't doing anything about it.

Posted by: Sallyana November 17, 2019, 7:25 PM
Gosh NTF you are spot daughter says that too and also "she's trying"...then says to deal with it all for not working out she has to do drugs to "deal with it"....and..." No one is doing anything to help her!!! " which translates into give me a place to live so I can have a comfortable place to stay while I keep doing drugs...and give me money and I don't really want to work....

To me, her addiction is like a 12,000 piece puzzle and I just don't know where to start. I'm not qualified or mentally equipped to deal with this long term. She has to take ownership and put some action verbs in her sentences.

I agree, "I'm trying" means they are not doing anything. Looking forward to what you have to say about rules.

Posted by: NyToFlorida November 18, 2019, 10:55 PM
LOL thanks for the encouragement. I think we are in the stage where we have given and suggested everything we can think of and still hang in there and come up with another plan... its exhausting. I just don't have anything left to suggest.

found out my son did not go to the program he was supposed to. someone who was being discharged at the same time as him said " that isn't a good place, come with me" so he did. now he is homeless in a shelter in a different part of the city, with someone who also was an addict, in a place the other addict knows well…. he has not called us. he has been able to call his sister and text her using an app. his phone not in service. he's going to look for work, but has not been able to shower... I still feel good (for today) that he has not called us and wants to do this on his own. but it could be short lived. I hope he figures this out soon!

I still don't think home will solve any problems. I told our daughter to tell him to find a program with housing and then job.

I was happy he called his sister but now she feels the burden. she said when he called she was about to go into the supermarket. after the call she went in, but felt guilty buying anything.

Posted by: Parenting2 November 19, 2019, 9:42 AM
I am in the same boat. and I often wonder, like you said, how we are supposed to live this way.

My son will miss classes and then say he did everything under his power to pass a test. He seems to really believe it. I have never really had any answers, but now I just feel beyond stupified when I talk to him.

I don't know how we are supposed to find meaning and move on with this baffling situation going on. I guess I find a way every day.