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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: December 30, 2008, 10:48 PM
Ok. i am going to do this. I've been told writing is good when you want to quit an addiction. But i hate writing. That is what i did for 18 years as a career and i've always thought i was not able to write down my feelings. But this time, i will take advantage of the Internet to keep a diary and see how long i can stick to my decision to stop smoking pot as of tomorrow December 31st, 2008. I am smoking my last stash tonight and i know tomorrow morning when i will wake up i will think of it first thing and i will think of getting more. Hubbie just called and said he thought i would want to quit after new years's and i said no. Tomorrow is the day. I've had it with smoking pot. I've been smoking for all my life it seems and now at 50 i want to really really start seeing life, being reel and enjoying life without being stoned on pot.
I also want to do it for my health. My lungs are just about to give up on me. I know it will be hard to stop. I know that and i know i will cry because i won't have it or because i will think why do i have to stop. Who am i hurting by smoking and i will ask myself all these questions which in the long run will only encourage me not to take my sobriety seriously. I can see myself at the lake being sober with the grand children. I will want to do things with them instead of staying in the cottage rushing to roll my j and to smoke it before they come in. And the smell. I can't even smell the disgusting smell of pot anymore and yet everybody around me does! If i really stick to my decision not to smoke anymore because i am sick and tired of being on pot or on anything that will disturb my reality, i will have lots of money next year at this very same date. I will be proud of myself because i will be free of an addiction. I don't want to be controlled by it anymore. I don't want to worry about getting it anymore. I am sick and tired of worrying about always having some. I will be severe with those around me who smoke pot in my home or in my presence. This is going to be very hard for me and where as before i kept telling myself i cannot impose my decision to stop smoking on anyone else, i will want respect around me this time! I cannot wait to find out how it feels to be straight again. I've read some of the diaries here and it sounds like the people who have succeeded in staying off the drugs are proud of themselves. I am so happy for them, I will keep reading their diairies for hope. Bye now. MIND OVER BODY, MIND OVER BODY, MIND OVER BODY! mommy in heaven help me.xxx | ||
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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: December 31, 2008, 11:23 PM
I have been waiting all freaking day to come and write in my diary. Why are we allowed to post only once a day! I am not shutting or posting my today thoughts as long as i am awake today.
The reason i started this diary is cuz writing our feelings down is supposed to be good and help in the long run. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. Tonight at 11,it will be make 24 hours i haven't smoked a joint. 24 hours. I can't believe it. It's the first time in freakin 25 years that i haven,t smoked a whole day. I cried today. Of course and i know myself i will cry alot more in the days and weeks to come, I'm mad. I'm just so f.....mad that i can't smoke or that i don't want to smoke. Hubbie says i smoke too much and instead of quitting, i should try smoking less. Ya tell that to an addict. If i have 10 grams in front of me,believe me i will smoke it all. Not all in one shot but in a couple of days. Then i want more. I call pusher and he is always willing to help me out, weekends, workdays, you name it. But then again that's his job. I've told him i wanted to quit buying from him and he said ah come on your are not hurting anyone when you smoke pot. That is true. I am not hurting anyone but ME and my wallet and its not like i'm getting any younger and i complain that i won't be able to retire early because i won't have enough money to live on. But if i stop smoking, perhaps i will be able to retire earlier or at least only work part time in a few years before i have access to my pension funds. I did a stupid thing though today. I smoked at least four cigarettes. I quit smoking three years ago on a new year's resolution and boy did i find it hard. But i forgot all that when i lit that cig. this morning. I am tired, tired, tired tired tired of always feeling freaken guilty of doing things! Hubbie is not one who wants to talk and discuss my problems. He supports me but just won't sit there with me and let me cry. So, i've realized i have to do this stopping all on my freaken own and with this board. Why is it so hard quitting pot. i don't think it's the pot. It's the addiction and since i am an addict at anything, and now i find it really hard when i can't have my fix and that's what makes me mad! I know if i had a joint right now i would smoke it and then regret it. i know how i would feel,....great smoking it and then i would feel guilty. For what! It's my life, my health! i know that smoking as much as i smoke is not good and plus when does one start living in reality, facing reality, getting up clean, no hang over because i smoked too much pot the night before??? I can just see what it will be like in a couple of days when the novelty of having stopped will go away and then i will really really have to face the fact that i don't want to have another joint, i can't have any joint. I want to buy things and do nice things with my money instead of spending it on something and then going back for more and more and more, having to make arrangements to meet pusher, etc.etc. yuk. I am so tired it's not even funny and i just can't bring myself to go to bed. It's like i'm missing something. Ya ...i'm missing my joints that i smoked every night before i turned the light off. Today is the last day of 2008. I hope to God 2009 will be good to me. Tomorrow is the first day of 2009.I hope i have the strength in me not to smoke a joint and not to call my pusher. I've given hubbie all my rolling papers, I threw my box i usually kept my dope in the back of my closet. I feel funny without my stuff. But i already noticed one little thing i did tonight that i had stopped doing cuz i was too busy smoking. I held my old 14 year old cat in my arms and hugged her and gave her all my attention. She was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohappy! and i know in the past i have literally ignored her when she wanted my attention, cuz i was too busy smoking. I guess we will become best friends again. Another thing i noticed is that i hardly ate all day. I really cannot eat. It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. Hubbie made me a grill cheese and i couldn't eat it all. I had some potatoes today and a couple of pieces of cheese. I don't remember the last time i went through a day eating as little as this. Thank the lord cuz i could sure lose some weight. I want to get back into yoga as well. I tried to find a good yoga CD today but i couldn't find one. Tomorrow the stores are closed but i will go and get one as soon as the holidays are over. I got to keep busy. What i am most scared of is how am i going to be able not to smoke when i come home after work next week. Hubbie works nights so i am all alone here at night and that is when i enjoyed it so much ....i would sit there and smoke all night. I guess i will be going to go to bed real early in the next few weeks/months. I'm exhausted right now. Today was alot. my first pot free day in more than 20 some years!!!!! | ||
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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: January 2, 2009, 12:16 AM
Holy moses i don't have any patience. I've been waiting all freaken day to write in this stupid diary.
I had a miserable day. I stayed in my room all day with the dog and the cats watching tv. I went out a couple of times with puppy for a walk but other than that i was in here all day bored. I did not smoke a joint. I did smoke cigarettes however and that is pretty stupid considering i quit three years ago because of my illness. Oh well. I don't care. I really don't care much about anything actually. I am so fed up with life. I've always been depressed for one reason or another and i am sure that smoking pot everyday did not help my situation. This is one of the main reasons i don't want to smoke pot anymore. I really want to see if i can make thru life without having to take drugs. I figure once i am able to cope with not smoking pot all the time, i will undertake once again to quit smoking cigarettes. I have quit and started over again many times in the past and i will again in the future when it is time to do so. But right now today....i don't care what cigarettes do to my health. I really don't. I know i am substituting one addiction for another but at least i tell myself i am not doing illegal DRUGS and that is what i want to stop doing in my life. I am so freaken tired of having to hide to smoke my joint, having to stand in the stupid rain to smoke my joint cuz the kids are inside the house or the cottage, having to hide in my own home to smoke pot because i'm always afraid someone is going to knock on the door and smell it. I'm always scared when i go and get it from my dealer cuz i'm always afraid the police will stop me for one reason or the other and then i will lose my job. So, if i keep reminding myself of all this, i will only be more encouraged not to touch this stupid addictive thing. I cannot eat! It makes me sick to my stomach. All i've managed to eat in the last two days are green vegetables. I tried having a sandwich earlier but just through everything out after the first bite. Made me sick to my stomach. I've been doing lots of reading on withdrawals from pot and it seems lthat this is a common symptoms when one withdraws from pot! The other thing is that i have never perpired so much. One minute i'm freezing and the next minute i have to take everything off. Five minutes later i have to put everything back on! How many more days am i going to feel like this. I have not talked to anyone today except my brother who called to wish me happy new year. I miss him so much but god he is hard on me. I told him i had not smoked in two days and when i started crying and telling him how i felt, he just said he wanted to hang up on me, which he did. So this just confirms what i have been telling myself all day. Screw everybody. i am going to do this on my own. Hubbie is a jerk. We have not talked since yesterday because of a stupid argument and last night when i asked him to kiss me good night he didn't want!!!! I told him a couple of days ago that i didn't want anybody smoking pot in the apartement cuz i would hurt that person. Well, tonight he himself rolled a joint in the living room and smoked it!!!!! I couldn't believe it!!! I know he doesn't think i am going to quit. I know that because i know he thinks i just love my pot too much to quit! I'll show him! I'm really not about to forget and forgive this. I've had with him and the disrepect he shows me. Three years ago when i quit smoking cigarettes, he just continued smoking in front of me, in the car, in the house, you name it! I never said a word cuz i thought i am the one who doesn't want to smoke cigarettes and i should not impose my decision on him. What an idiot i am! I should have thrown him the door with his cigarettes! Worse of all is he didn't care if his cigarette smoking bother me but he worried about it everytime his children or grand children were here. He even would not smoke in the car when his buddy was driving towork with him! He won't smoke in the car with his buddy in there, but he'll smoke in my face! How disrespectful can one be! One day he will pay for this! No body can continue being mean like this in life without consequences at one point! I still can't believe he rolled that joint and smoked it right in the apartement! Man i'm pissed off at him. I just wanted to go in the living room and yell at him and tell him what a frkn jerk i thing he is but i didn't. I told myself the important thing was ME and my health and it wasn't worth talking to someone so ignorant. I really don't like him at all right now! He threatend he was going to move out next month. When i think about it, it hurts me but right now i really wouldn't care if he left. It would hurt like hell, i know but i am so sick and tired of arguing with him! Please God help me! I haven't smoked pot now for exactly two entire whole days!! I know it's not alot, but man i did it, i did it, i did it, i did it! It's stupid but sometimes i even see myself smoking a joint again, relapsing! What a défatiste i am! I would regret it, i know i would. So i won't.....today! I cannot wait to go back to work. I am so sick and tired of being in this house day in day out. I can't take it anymore and yet i hate going out. Maybe that will be different now that i don't have to stay home all the time to smoke pot! I did make an effort to do something yesterday. I took the car and drove to a drugstore cuz i love shopping in those places. Of course i would ...druuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuug store. Anything with drugs i guess would entice me to love whatever it!!! I hope to god i can sleep tonight. There is no way i will be able to go back to work next week if i don't get my sleep under control. The worst is that even though i am super tired, i just don't want to go to bed! I don't know why. I guess it's because i know i will not be able to sleep, so i figure the longer i stay up, the better it will be when i will actually want to finally go to bed! I'm bored, so bored and so sad. All i want to do is cry! I keep telling myself if i eat a bit, i will feel better but i can't. When i smoked pot, i was hungry at night and i always ate a bit before going to bed. Not now! I'm sick and tired of watching tv but i don't have the energy to do anything else. Nothing! I keep telling myself it's not always going to be like this, but right now, i hate every minute of my life! here we go again, i am freezing, got to put a sweater back on!!!!! I did notice i spend more time with my beautiful old cat and she sure seems to like that. Poor her. I've pushed her aside so many times when i would smoke. My smoking came first and i knew she wanted me to take her in my arms, but i would just ignore her cuz i had to roll a joint and yet that cat has been so good to me when i was depressed and alone. She was always there for me and i was mean to her. I regret it and i will make up for it now. She has already slept on my tummy today and i was petting her. I haven't done that to her in years!!! When i quit cocaine years ago, it was not as hard as quitting pot. I swear to God. but i did it. Two whole days without illegal drugs in my system! I'm so happy about that. Nobody knows about my decison to quit except hubbie and now my brother. I didn't even tell my best friend of 30 years. She smokes too. But i know when she finds out she will be happy for me cuz she's wanted to quit for a very long time and maybe she will want to do this with me. We could support each other. I don't know. She lives less than an hour from me and i've seen her only once this year. She has changed and i have changed and i do find our relationship is different now. Sometimes i get really stressed out talking to her and anyways i just don't want to talk to anybody right now about my decision to stop. I'm super tired now and i wish i could go to sleep but i can't! I keep praying to my mother in heaven to help me. I'm not even looking forward to tomorrow. Just another boring day! Just took that sweater off again. I read the chills that i have are due to the THC that is in my body. I must have had a heck of alot of it for having to deal with this right now. It's awful. When i quit cocaine, all i had were like tremors and i always felt the hair on my arms were lifting. Nothing like what i am going through for the last two days with being cold, then hot, then cold!!!! I'm tired. i really reallly am of everything and i am sad. I just hope what i am feeling right now at this minute will not be an excuse for having a joint! | ||
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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: January 3, 2009, 12:40 AM
Another long day but not as bad as yesterday. I think the cold and hot chills are slowly going away. I just hope i can sleep tonight. i tried sleeping a bit today but i couldn't. My mind is going 100 miles an hour. I ate a bit more today. I can't say i am craving for a joint cuz i don't.What i have trouble with the most is convincing myself that quitting pot is a good decision. Reading all the other posts on this board really is nice and encouraging. I think of Constatine and i think of Ruby who also was addicted to pot and has now been free of this s*** for one year! I hope that's me one day.
I'm too tired to write anymore. Two days to go before i go back to work.God i hope i feel better than icuz right now i have no energy to do anything at all. This post has been edited by Fleur on January 3, 2009, 12:41 AM | ||
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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: January 4, 2009, 12:49 PM
I wanted to write in my diary last night, but we had company and i just didn't want to leave them to come here. It was hard for me not to come here cuz when i decide i'm going to do something, i do it and i had said i was going to write in my diary EVERY DAY.
I told myself it was not the end of the world if i missed a day. And plus i had such a a terrible headache/migraine, i don't think i could have concentrated enough to write anything clearly. Didn't do much yesterday either except we had company in the evening and when we got the called that they were coming, my first thought was : hey, this is going to be different. I'm actually going to sit with these people and i'm going to be straight and i'm not going to have to leave the place anytime and find an excuse to go smoke a joint. I sat there with everybody for more than four hours, straight as an arrow, talking and laughing with everybody. I didn't argue with anybody and i wasn't so opinated as usual when a subject was brought up. Man was i ever proud of myself! Hope to God this continues cuz i sure enjoyed it. I felt like a was 16 again when i didn't do drugs and had just as much fun.Most importantly, when i got up this morning, i was so happy i hadn't said stupid stuff last night and regretted it this morning. The company was my oldest step daughter and her new boyfriend who i find very nice. She knows i'm a smoker and i did tell her i was quitting. Her boyfriend, was just freaked out to know, i was a pot smoker. He said i sure don't look like a person who would be a smoker. Ya, well, i fooled alot of people in my life that way. People think because i have these degrees all the walls and because i have a good job and because i don't really drink, that i am a goody-goody. Ha, he was just freaked out when i told him i had been a cocaine addict for seven years, before that a hash addict and in between a drunk! In fact, i was saying to hubby last night, that i cannot believe that i haven't had any drugs in four days when i've had some in me for the last 20 yrs plus EVERY SINGLE DAY! Four days sounds so little though. I can't wait for the day when i won't even think about this smoking crap. I don't know why i seems like my right ear is completly blocked and i feel really fragile. and shaky. Holy marcro i thought i would started feelilng a little better after four days. I do, but not like i would like to feel. I got to go back to work tomorrow and i don't feel like it but i'm worried if i take the day off the boss is going to be pissed off, especially since i was off on holidays for the last week or so! It's just that i'm so shaky. I finally slept a little bit better last night. I think i managed to sleep more than two hours in a row! Pretty good considering i hadn't slept the three previous nights, waking up every damn half hour, sweating like a pig! It's beautiful outside this morning. I already went out a bit with puppy and i plan to go out again later. The fresh air is good for me. I don't know what i'm going to do all day long. I'm sick and tired of cleaning this place. I've started putting the xmas decorations slowly away yesterday. Good. i hate Christmas. I love Easter and this year instead of spending all my money on getting lots of pot for the Easter holiday, i will do something special. I might go visit my brother at the other end of the country. I'll see. There is still a lot of time between now and Easter and who know's what will happen! I can't wait to get my paycheck this week and take the money i always put aside for pot and place it somewhere safe. I want to save all the money i usually used to buy pot and do something for me eventually. I've been dreaming of a blue and white paddle boat for years. I used to imagined having one up at the cottage and seeing myself go alone for a ride with my joints when the sun would come down. I kept saying it would allow me to get away from the cottage and go smoke a joint when there were people at our place. Now, i'm just thinking how nice it will be watching the sun come down, enjoying the purity of it all while i'm straight and not stone! Day five begins today. This post has been edited by Fleur on January 4, 2009, 12:50 PM | ||
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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: January 5, 2009, 7:31 PM
I got up in a bad mood this morning cuz i was so tired from not sleeping again last night, having cold and hot flashes mot of the night and dealing with a headache i never thought would go away. It finally did cuz i was feeling better today. At least no freaken headache!
But i was depressed most of the day yesterday and earlier today. Feeling a bit better now. I guess being back at work helped but i can't wait for this stupid bus strike to be over with it so i can go to work and be in my office and talk with my colleagues again. It gets really boring being home alone all day in front of the computer and then being home all alone at night cuz hubbie is working. Argued with hobbie last night again over stupid stupid things. I have to stop doing that cuz i noticed when i do, the first thing i want is a joint. I get so angry at the fact that i have to go through these withdrawals and also that i have to quit smoking but I just have too. I have no choice. I'm sick and tired of taking drugs. I don't want to take anymore. I don't. Day 6 today without any pot in me....so far. I know there is some stuff in the house. I know cuz hubbie had some before i quit and i know he still has some. But i'm not going to look for it nor ask for it! I did look in some old shirts of mine last night to see if there wouldn't be a little bag of pot in one of the pockets. I always used to put some away a bit until i would get some more. I didn't find any and in fact i stopped searching cuz i'm too scared i'm going to find some. I searched on the Internet for information on paddle boats. If i don't smoke pot again and save my money, i should be able to get my own beautiful boat this summer. I've wanted my own boat for so long. I'll have the money for that but first i need to get a damn dock and that is soooooooooooooo expensive. s***, there's always something! please be wtih me mommy. Went for a walk with puppy during my lunch hour. Feels good when i go out with him and it makes him so happy, but still, I get bored so freaken easily. Nothing interests me. I start reading and then i get bored, i watch tv..and i get bored. All i want or wish i could do is roll a joint. Sometimes, i can almost feel the taste in my mouth and then i think...no.. i would regret it if i did smoke cuz honestly it is kind of nice to know i am straight, natural, nothing illegal in me. What you see, is what you get. I think this is going to be a long freaken evening. I got nothing to do and i don't feel like cleaning the house to keep busy. I'll be in bed early i guess. Six days! Six whole freaken days without pot in me. YES! I need to do this one day at a time. Just one freaken day at a time! One thing i noticed today is i heard the neighbor outside my apartment door talking to somebody and for once, i thought, if that neighbor smells pot out there, it certainly isn't my fault. Hubbie came in the other day and said he could smell pot in the hallway outside the apartment. Boy was i quick to reply ''it's not me''! Nope! For once, it's not me! Also called the landlord this morning so he can come and fix the leak in the bathroom. I've been wanting to call him for months butI always hated calling him before cuz i knew whatever i needed from him, he would have to come in the apartment and of course he would smell the sticking pot. I've seen myself telling him to come at a certain time during the day, when i was sure i wasn't going to smoke at that time. This time, it was nice to tell him, you can come anytime you want tomorrow, i will be here! That is how i want my life to be. No more hiding! I also thought if i get a ride to work this week, i won't have to worry about my work collegue smelling pot off of me. YES! Before, i would have found any excuse for her not to pick me up. Oh God i hope i can continue on this recovery road. I ask mom in heaven every single night to help me. Took my rosary out last night and prayed and prayed and prayed for help. I guess my prayers were answered. I really didn't have a craving today. Just tooked some stuff out of the fridge and now that i have to cook the stuff, i feel sick to my stomach. I'll force myself to eat just a little bit cuz if i don't i'm going to get depressed again and it certainly won't help me get to sleep tonight. I'm going out for a bit with puppy now, then i'll try making myself some supper and i'll watch a bit of tv. I can't believe i'm doing all this without first smoking a joint. Man, i hope i stick to my recovery cuz it could be fun in the long run. Just got my pay stub and i can't believe all the money i have left after i've paid the bills. Funny how i never had any problems taking hundreds of dollars out of my check on payday before to buy drugs but now that i want to put some money away, it's like.....ok i'll put some away but can i afford or want to put soooooo much away! I told one of my best friends who is straight as can be that i had quit smoking pot. She asked me why, knowing i'm addicted to the stuff and that i actually truly enjoyed smoking the stuff. Told her, enough is enough. I'm 50. Boy do i ever sound determined right now. We'll see! Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow is day 7. Oh my god, ONE WEEK! LOVE IT! YES YES YES! Hubbie is proud of me. He told me yesterday. He told me he wanted to quit pot too. Quit pot i told him! You never freaken smoke except once in a blue moon for goodness sake! What is there to quit? He said it didn't matter. He wanted to stop too. Good. He's trying to give up cigarettes right now also and i know he's finding that hard but i have a sneaky feeling that because he knows i'm serious about quitting pot, he's going to do his darn best to quit cigs. | ||
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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: January 6, 2009, 8:21 PM
Got up in a good mood this morning. Worked and waited for the landlord to come over. Felt sooooooooooooooooooooo good not havng to worry about the stinking pot in the apartment. Cleaned the house, went for a bit of groceries and to the drugstore. Came back home and worked somemore. Then, i felt really tired. Had a little rest. Funny how before i could go on all day and not get feel so tired. I wonder why! Guess with all that pot in me i couldn't feel anything.
Day 7 - YES! Funny how the smallest thing makes me think of pot. When i went to the grocery store today and saw the phone booth from which i always called my dealer, i smiled, thinking...huh ...wonder if he's wondering why i'm not calling him; i wonder how long it will be before he calls me again. I told him before xmas that i was planning on quitting. Asked me why, said i wasn't hurting anybody!!!! If i was him, i to wouldn't want to see one of my best customer give up the s***!!! I think the novelty of having quit is going away a bit and now the real work is starting. Strange being here all alone all night without pot. This post has been edited by Fleur on January 6, 2009, 8:22 PM | ||
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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: January 7, 2009, 9:10 PM
The first thing i thought of this morning when i woke up was to call the office and tell the boss i wasn't feeling well and i wasn't going to work today. I'm i every haapy i didn't do that. The day would have been as long as hell and boring. So, i'm glad i worked. Plus this way i am keeping my sick leave for other times when i reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeely won't feel like going in.
It's now evening and i can't believe i made myself supper. I've seen myself not eating at all after work, choosing instead to smoke and smoke and smoke and watch tv until i got super hungry and then eat something not always healthy late at night. Here i am now cooking myself my favourite vegetarian dish for supper. Yes! I'm reading again and i'm actually enjoying it. When i have a free minute, that is one of the things i like doing best and plus the book i am reading now (which i've already a long time ago) is really good. It's kind of nice being home alone tonight. I don't mind hubbie working nights. I've always enjoyed my time alone and with puppy here and the cats, i've got enough company to keep me busy. So sorry to hear my next door neighbor passed away yesterday. He was such a nice man. Always super nice and sweet to me when i would meet him in the hall way. His wife is now all alone and she is so sad. Brought her a nice card today expressing my sorrow for her. If that was me in her situation, i would die. I cannot imagine myself without hubbie in my life. Whenever we fight and argue and i think i can't stand him any longer and think i would be better off alone, it doesn't take long for me to realize what a stupid thought that is. My heart aches just knowing he wouldn't be in my life. Been together so long. I've always said there would never be anybody else in my life after him. I would not be able to love again as much as i have loved and still love this man. By me not smoking pot lately, i've noticed i am in a better mood around him too and i really don't feel like arguing with him. I also know that's because i am placing ME first, my emotions, my thoughts, my time in this life, my energy. And plus, arguing with him would be the best excuse to call the dealer. I know myself. I've been there I'm going to relax tonight, watch a bit of tv and read. I'm going to listen to some of my favorite radio programs even tho i know it's going to keep me up late and i will suffer tomorrow morning. Day 8. I did it! Thank the lord. | ||
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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: January 8, 2009, 9:28 PM
Nothing knew. Same same old day. Worked.
Got a call from a friend at work with who i used to smoked. She says she also quit 8 days ago. Good for her. I cannot wait to go back to my office. I'm really getting sick and tired of working from home. It get really boring not seeing anybody. Day 9 - i did it. Thank the Lord. | ||
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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: January 10, 2009, 7:38 PM
Weekend. Yes. I don,t have to sit at this computer and work. I get really tired of being in this room all week. Can' wait to get back to work.
I can't complain. I, at least, have the priviledged of working from home. But i know this is not what i want to do for the rest of my working life. It gets really boring not seeing anybody and being in the apartment all the time. My three best friends from worked at least called me last week. Nice to know i have people at worked who miss me. I miss them too. Got some good books from the library. Can't believe all the people who have ruined their lives because of drugs. Me too and i don't understand why people are so freaked out when they find out i'm also an addict! I wish they could have walked in my shoes since i was 9. I dream of smoking a dream. I can feel it. I see myself rolling a joint. I'm not going to though! Hubbie and his brother are here tonight and i know they smoke. If i see them lighting one, i'm out of here! It was so nice seeing all that money i had on pay day. Took all the money i usually spent on dope and put it away in one of mom's sock she had made for me. When i counted all that money, i couldn't believe it didn't used to bother me giving it away for pot. Now i reeelly like seeing all those other 20 dollar bills in my wallet. Haven't seen that in ages! Even ordered myself a pizza tonight. Never used to. I would let hubbie do that so i could keep my money for more pot! Oh well! Slept real well last night. I really think it's the first time in a long time or at least since i gave up pot. Actually, i feel a lot more tired than before. I slept all afternoon and when i woked up, the first thing that came to my mind and that i wanted was a joint. 11 days today without any pot. Yup, yup. Brother in law has to fix this computer now. So got go sweet diary. I'll be back soon. This post has been edited by Fleur on January 10, 2009, 7:40 PM | ||
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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: January 13, 2009, 11:23 AM
I'm doing good. I actually enjoy looking out my window this morning and seeing the snowflakes fall. Life hasn't been that bad lately except for some arguments here and there with hubbie, landlord, brother in law hihiihi. I think i am getting into more arguments because for so long i kept my mouth shout. Now that my head is clearer, man do i hear what people are saying and they cannot bull s*** me anymore. Landlord tried to pull this little thing again whereby he tells me he's going to come to the apartment and at the last minute he always changes his mind, saying he has this to do or that. Ya right, and in the mean time, i make arrangements with work not to send me anything during such and such hours cuz landlord needs to come in here, i moved all the furniture in the apt. so he could come in with the stupid stove, and then he tells me he can't come! I've had enough of this crap and he saw my reaction yesterday when once again he told me he had other things to do instead of helping me out! After he left, he called back two minutes later, saying he was coming with the stove! YES! And as far as brother in law is concern....i'm sick of him yelling ..literally yelling at me when i don't understand something about the computer. Last time he did that to me, i told myself that would be the last time this guy would yell at me. Who in the hell does he think he is! Well, saturday night he did it again and this time i just yelled back at him! I've had with people thinking i am a stupid person. He was shocked when he found out i hadn't smoked in several days! Shocked because he is one of those who always told anybody and everybody how much i smoked. Now he's can't anymore! YES! And because i cannot stand being in a fight with anybody, i did call him back the next day to say i was sorry about the previous evening. He hasn't called me back nor has he called his brother back, but at least i know i am a better person for saying sorry. If he can't get over it..too frkn bad! That's his problem!
Otherwise, i think i am doing ok without the pot. I don't have cravings as much as i thought i would. Good. I'm sleeping again and having dreams. Never had so many dreams in my life it seems. Too funny. I guess my head was so full of pot there was no place for dreaming. One thing for sure however, is that i can't wait to get back to work. I hate being here in this apartment day in day out! I can't take it anymore and i know i shouldn't complain, but i can't help myself! Last night, talked to one of my aunts on the phone. I hadn't heard from her in years so it was reallly nice to see she misses me. After hanging up, i said to myself. My god that was nice talking to someone and not having to worry if i said something stupid or not. When i used to smoke, i did say things just to say things because my mind was going a hundred miles an hour and not making sense many times. 14 days today i haven't smoked. I can't believe it! Thank the Lord.Life is good. | ||
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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: January 14, 2009, 7:44 PM
Nothing new really. I'm doing ok without the pot. I made a promise today i would never touch it again. I know it's not good to say never, but that is exactly how i feel today. I keep thinking how good it is that i don't have any illegal drugs in me. I'm sleeping better and i'm eating well. I'm actually eating alot better than when i used to smoke every free minute i had in this life.
I can't believe i've read two books since i quit smoking pot. I haven't read so much in years. Still waiting for some books from the library that i ordered. I hope we go to the cottage this weekend. It will be good for me to get out of here. It will be different being up there however without me smoking pot all night long in the bedroom, listening to the radio and going thru magazines. I can't beleive i went to bed at 9:15 last night. Haven't done that in ages! I'm getting to be an old lady. Can't wait to go back to work to see my friends. I've never missed them so much. Day15 without pot in me. YES! | ||
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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: January 15, 2009, 8:17 PM
Holy macaroni did it ever come close today! Here i was talking to my neighbour when all of a sudden he says....''the other day i was in the basement with my brother in law smoking a joint when blablabla''. The minute i heard the word ''joint'' i couldn't hear anything else the guy was saying! The first thing i said to myself was..oh my god, now i know he's got some. Maybe he would want to sell me some! I couldn't believe. I just can't believe how vulnerable and weak i am and how easy it would be for me to slip and buy some! God help me! Am i always going to be like this? Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? Everytime i will see or hear someone talk about a joint or pot, I will go crazy ..wanting some! s***!
Perhaps it's been easier than i thought the last 16 days because i really haven't seen anybody or gone out anywhere where there was pot. Hubbie hardly smokes pot and he told me the other day he really didn't want to smoke anymore either. But i know him. If the occasion arises that there is pot around and it is offered to him, he will have some. But that is where it's going to stop with him. He's not going to go nuts if he doesn't have any the next day and he certainly won't drive anywhere to get some. Me, on the other hand, if i see it or smell it ever again, i just know it will be extremely tempting to have some because i always loved the s***! I certainly didn't quit cuz i loved the crap.. i quit cuz i was sick and tired of doing drugs and not having my head clear! Is that enough for me for not wanting some again? I doubt it! God i hate this! I noticed this morning how i'm really avoiding arguments with hubbie. I just don't want to go there with him. I'm sick and tired of arguing over stupid things. So, i did what i do best. Got away from him and the situation. I hope i go up to the lake this weekend. I really want too. It's going to be so nice up there,everything covered in snow. Whenever i do go up there in the winter it truly reminds me of a winterland. It's so beautiful. Our place looks like a little white chapel all covered in snow. I wish i could still snowshoe. Maybe i'll try it again. One way or the other, i know it's going to do me some good getting out of here. I can't believe i've been stuck in here working for a month and now it seems like the stupid bus strike is going to go on for another two weeks. Talked to the boss today. She's ok with me working from home. I surely thought she would ask/demand me to go in for at least a day. But no. She in fact made sure i had all my translation tools available here at home so i could work from here without any problems. So that was nice of here cuz i was really getting nervous that my trial subscriptions to these tools would end before the strike was over and then what! It would have been so stressful for me working without these tools! Funny T hasn't called me since xmas. I guess her and i just aren't as close as before. But then again she has her life with her husband and children and i've got mine. She will freak out when she finds out i don't smoke pot anymore and of course she will tell me i used to smoke way too much anyways. I'm so sick of her constantly making me look like i do everything too much and she doesn't. She did the same thing when i quit doing cocaine. In the meantime she was doing it. She even brought some up once or twice at the cottage for us to do together. Last time she did that i told her never to bring cocaine around me anymore. Her answer : There, doesn't that proved what i've always said about you. You can't do anything with moderation. You always have to abused of things! F... that pissed me off but of course i couldn't tell her that cuz i was afraid we would get into an argument! Oh well. To each our own! All i know is that i am not doing any drugs. 16 days today without any pot in me! Thank you Jesus. This post has been edited by Fleur on January 15, 2009, 8:23 PM | ||
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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: January 19, 2009, 7:09 PM
This was a really long day with work. I am exhausted.
This last weekend i must admit i found it hard not smoking pot. I seem to forget the reasons why i wanted to quit or seem not to believe in them anymore and so i am questionnng myself and my decision. I found it especially hard on Sunday and then when i went to bed, i know hubbie rolled himself a joint and so i know he's got some. I could have come out of my bed and joined him but i didn't and in my heart i wished he wouldn't smoke in the house any longer whether i am asleep or not. Asking him to do so is only going to stir up an argument, i know, so i am going to let it go cuz in the long run it's my decision and i truly, truly do not believe that i should impose my decision to quit on him. I hate it when people do that to me. That is, because they believe in one thing, i should to. He doesn't smoke in front of me, so that's good. There will be times in my life that i am sure others will smoke pot around me and i will have to get myself out of that situation. However, i am proud of myself. I am proud at the fact that i haven't smoked in so many days or should i say weeks now. God that feels good to be able to say that and i just love to see all the money i have saved in the meantime. I thought of calling my dealer and telling him '' i was taking a break'' but then i realized that would be a lie cuz i am not taking a break. I quit. The only reason i wanted to call him is to make sure i would still have a contact in case i would want some one day. That just proves how in my mind i might smoke pot again and yet i really don't want to. Told T last night i hadn't smoked pot in awhile. Amazingly, she said she was really proud of me and said she wanted to quit to. In fact,she said she wouldn't be coming home anymore on her lunch hour to roll and smoke a joint. I told her that was a good start. I know she will want to quit cuz i did so. Of course her husband had to say i used to roll such big joints! I was waiting for that even though they smoked three joints to my one joint. Oh well. I've read soooooooo many books since i quit smoking. I haven't read so much in years. Some of these books are about people who were addicted to some drugs or another and it just makes me sick to my stomach to see how many of us have had our lives ruined because of drugs and our addiction to them! Hell why did i ever start doing them. I remember my brother giving me my first joint when i was not even 13 years old! God! I just wish i could stop having so many weird dreams. It reminds me when i quit taking cocaine. I had dreams every night after i quit that crap. Eventually, i stopped having dreams all together cuz i was smoking so much pot, i guess. Now that i don't have any drugs at all in this little body of mine, it's like my brain is catching up on all those years when i didn't have any dreams. Now it's starting again. There is hardly a night that goes by that i don't have a dream. I jus wished they were nice dreams and not so weird! Sometimes they make me afraid cuz i have a tendency to read into them. I even have a book on dreams cuz the interpretation of them has always interestd me but now i don't even want to look up their meaning cuz i'm too scared. Many of my dreams in past years have come true. Please God don't let these dreams happen in my real life cuz i don't know what i would do to cope with them. Things are good between hubbie and I. I love him. Today is mom's birthday. She would be 77 yrs old. God i miss her. I miss my best, best friend. I'm going to relax tonight. Read and watch tv and then my favorite radio show. It's beautiful outside tonight. Puppie sure enjoyed his walk out there a little while ago. Today is day 20 without any pot in me. Thank the Lord! | ||
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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: January 21, 2009, 4:44 PM
I haven't written in my diary for awhile because, well because, that is just me. I start something and then give up. Darn! And yet i had told myself i would write everyday!
Well, i've done it. I've gone three weeks without putting any pot in me. I am proud. I truly am and i know it's because of some of the posts and one particular one diary i always read here. It's also because i am a pighead and i realy, really don't want to take drugs anymore to make me feel good. Enough is enough for goodness sake. I can't say it's easy to let go of my addiction cuz it's not. I find it really hard and i find i get bored reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel easily, thinking man it would be good to roll one right now. Sometimes i literally see myself rolling one and smoking it but then i think how i would feel and knowing myself, i would want more than one. I also tend to forget the reasons why i quit. I have to remind myself constantly. One thing that i find super fun is that i am never worried anymore about anybody coming over unexpectedly and smelling the s***! I know other people in the building are smoking it however. I can smell it and hubby told me he smelled it to the other day. Before, everytime he would come in the apartment, he would say..i can smell your pot the minute i get into the hallway. Ya, well no more buddy cuz it ain't me! And what i find even more fun is all the money i see in mom's sock. Sometimes i take the money in my hand just for fun and start counting all the 20 dollar bills and thinking - what was i thinking giving all this money away. Now, i can't wait to do my income tax to see how much more money i will have soon and i'll be able to add it to my little stash and get me something nice. Sometimes, i think i'm going to send a whole bunch of it to my newphew but then i think, no...that money is for me, myself and i. I'm the one who is sacrificing here so i'm going to get something for me baby! I can't stop myself from looking at all those beautiful paddle boats on the Internet. There's a beautiful pink one but hubby says there is no way he's going on the lake with me with a cherry, cherry colored pink paddle boat. That's too funny. And anyways, i saw a beautiful red one that i like better. But first, i've got to get a dock. I 've always wanted one so i could go and sit on it and smoke a joint while the sun comes down. Now, i will still go and sit on it to enjoy the sun come down, but with a coffee instead. It should be just as fun if not more, especially since i will know how hard i will have worked to get the darn dock! I pray every night this stupid bus strike is going to be over yet! Almost every morning, i get up in a bad mood knowing i will be stuck in here again all day and all night alone as a dog. Thank the lord i do have a dog so i can at least go out with him a few times a day. I don't know what i would do without my little furry friends here. Otherwise, things are going good for me except for those awful weird dreams i have every single night! When is it going to stop! I dream't last night hubbie dived into the lake while i was in the boat and then everything tipped over and it was night and i couldn't remember if i had my life jacket on and i could hear hubbie shouting and telling me he was coming to save me. Three men in a boat came by us and they weren't going to stop until i told them Help Us. I was so mad at them, thinking typical men hihihii. I was so glad puppie wasn't with us in the boat. What a nightmare!. I've read four books in the last three weeks. Holy macaroni for someone who has always enjoyed reading and didn't for many years cuz i was too busy smoking pot, it sure feels good when i finish one.Got to get some more books from the library soon. I could stay hours at the library. Just love that place. | ||
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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: January 24, 2009, 7:20 PM
Is my life better without me smoking pot? Ya, i guess so, in many ways, but man when is it going to stop being in my head that i wish i could just smoke one, just one little one, just one puff. When i can't stop thinking about it, i tell myself and keep repeating to myself it will get better one day. My mom lived for 58 years in this world and she never touched drugs and yet she managed. She brought us up all alone. She was there for us and the most she ever did was smoke cigarettes for goodness sake. Sometimes i try too remember why i got so involved in drugs. I think it's really cuz i am so bored easily. Drugs were fun. I've never partied so much as when i was on coke, pot and booze and boy did i have fun. Now i have to learn a whole new way of having fun. And since i am not one to go out to bars and hang around with a group of people, i have to constantly remind myself that there is more to life than taking drugs in order to have fun. I'm so happy hubbie is staying home with me today. We are really getting along lately. He's even mentionned to me today that he truly sees a difference with me. In my heart of hearts i am proud of myself.
T called this week. Holy macro the girl doesn't call me for months and bang at 8:30 in the morning she calls and for no reason at all. I told her last week i had quit pot. I think she's trying to quit to and maybe she was just a little shy to talk to me about it that morning. I know she knows that when i say i will quit a drug that i will stick to my decision as long as i can. When i quit cocaine, the only other time i really did it was with her once or maybe twice and then i told her never do bring it around anymore. Why is it that everybody i know who quits pot, smokes it again after a while. Even my good friend Lucie who quit just about the same time as me told me this week she had smoked some last weekend. I guess it just proves how darn hard it is to give up what we truly love. Why did i quit! Because i was sick and tired of being controlled by pot. Sick and tired of looking for it and spending money for it. Lots of money but mainly i quit cuz i knew it was time. I could not go on smoking like that, always having to hide myself when my stepgrand-daughters were around or when one of my step-daughters was around. I love her so much sometimes it hurts in my heart when i think of her. She doesn't do ANY drugs. She is so good. She says i am her mommy in her heart. How nice can that be. I haven't told her that i quit. I don't know why. I think it's cuz i'm too scared i'm going to start again and then she will be disappointed, i know she would be. I can't wait to see her again. My other step-daughter knows i quit. I wonder if she told her sister. I know that if i smoke pot, my step-daughter will not want me to be around her children when she will have some. I know her. She is so straight that she will not want anybody around her children smoking cigarettes, let alone pot. I put more money in mom's sock this week. hihihi. There are lots of 20 dollar bills in that sock and there will be alot more when spring comes. I dream of the boat that i am going to buy. I saw a beautiful red one and i just can't stop thinking about it. The other thing i find truly different since i quit pot is that i see dollar bills in my wallet when i open it. That's different. Haven't seen that in years! I treat myself to all kinds of little things - new nail polish, earings. Nice. I'm starting to sleep better. Having less of those stupid weird dreams. Thank the Lord. I'm glad it's almost night now. I find it less difficult than when it's daytime when i've got nothing to do. That's when i really start having cravings for a joint. Man oh man i hate it! Sometimes, i can't see myself going for the rest of my life without it. I'm so addicted to it! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Please God, please help me! | ||
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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: January 29, 2009, 7:53 PM
YES! YES! YES! I did it. 30 days without pot in my system. I am so happy. Got to keep it up now. I bought myself a little pair of earrings to celebrate my one month without pot in my body. I can't beleive it and i'm really starting to enjoy being as straight as straight can be. It's not that bad and today, in my heart, i can really say i don't want to smoke pot again. It's strange being this straight all the time. I guess it's cuz it's all new. After all, i had been smoking every single day for the last 25 years. God, do i ever remember how i felt 30 days ago. I never thought quitting pot could be so hard physically and mentally.
The real test will come next week however when after a whole day at work with that stupid supervisor of mine will make me feel when i will get home from work. I can't stand her. She stresses me out all day, all the time. I guess that was one of the main reason i couldn't wait to get home before to have a joint. Every single day, she would make me so angry. I'm really going to have to let go of her and do everything i can not interact with her when i go back to work next week. Otherwise, i know myself. It will be the best excuse to call buddy up and get some pot. I hope I find a new job soon. And the day that will happen, i will not give her two weeks notice cuz i won't be able to stay around her for another two weeks knowing another job will be waiting for me! Otherwise, i feel pretty good. 30 days - Thank the Lord. | ||
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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: February 11, 2009, 8:12 PM
I was just thinking how proud i am of myself. Yes, i do find it hard not smoking a joint when i come home from work, but heck i didn't so far and everyday that i don't smoke i am just so proud of myself. T just can't believe that i don't smoke joints anymore. I knew she would call me to tell me that and i know she wished she could stop smoking too. She has wanted to for a long time and i guess there will be a day when she will stop.
My friend L stopped at around the same time i did and we talk about it at work and she is doing really good too. Good for her. I find life boring though sometimes without my joint. I'm reading lots of good books on addictions and it's helping me understand a whole lot of stuff about myself and why i was so addicted to drugs. I feel better all day long and when i look at people who i truly know don't do drugs, i don't feel so shameful and hypocrite anymore. I feel less anxious and not so paranoid. That's good cuz i've had those feeling my entire life. If that is the best thing that comes from me stopping pot , thank the Lord. | ||
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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: March 21, 2009, 9:41 PM
It's spring. My favourite season. YES!
I'm feeling anxious lately. I haven't felt like this in a while. I always used to feel like this when i smoked pot everyday. I haven't touched the thing in nearly three months. Sometimes i can't believe it but there are times like tonight and last weekend, i think smoking a joint would do me good, would calm me down and make me less paranoid but i know i am fooling myself thinking that way. The reason i am not feeling so good is cuz i know one of my collegues is just ignoring me, not talking to me anymore. I hate it when i don't get along with people or when i feel people don't like me. It's stupid that at 50 years old i let things like this bother me. I keep wanting to let it go, but i get obsess about it, and i keep trying to defend myself instead of just letting it go! I find it so childish when someone at work does that. s***, how many times in the last five years have people bothered me at work many times, but did i get all upset and stop talking to them and be ignorant to them. No! So screw that girl .I don't care. It's her loss! I don't want to waste anymore time thinking about her. If she has a problem with me she should just talk it over with me or else forget about it! I've been in that job for five years and i don,t get half the privileges she gets. So screw her. I just hope one day i'll get out of that position and find something else. I hate working in a group, I've never been a team person but i need a job and as much as i do look elsewhere, i can't find anything that pays as good. Heck, we can't make everybody happy in this world. I get along really fine with the rest of the team, but her!!!!! One of the biggest difference between her and i, is that i work hard. She doesn't and that's my opinion of course but heck if i had half the studies she has, i sure would have more confidence in my work than she does. I refuse to do her work and i think that is what is making her mad. Well tough. God bless her. Otherwise, i'm doing ok. I love all the reading i am doing. Health wise, i am doing ok also. I still don't like having people over and i prefer being here alone or with hubby. I try really hard not to be so antisocial and upset if i know somebody is coming over but this is one thing that is hard for me. When i used to smoke, it was worse. I never wanted anybody to come over and when they did i was anxious for them to leave so i could smoke in peace. So now that i am not smoking i thought i wouldn't be like that anymore, but i am! I've always enjoyed being home quiet. I've never enjoyed being around too many people. Never. I always get hurt by what somebody says or does. Sometimes, i wished i would live alone and yet when i think of that my heart hurts. I know how much i would miss hubby. All i know is ever something was to happen to him, i'm out of this town. It feels good to write how i feel. I don't know why i don't do it more often. I'll try to do it more often. I've got to be good to myself. Let things go. Please help me mommy. This post has been edited by Fleur on March 21, 2009, 9:42 PM | ||
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Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008
Posted: March 28, 2009, 9:50 PM
I've had a good week. Things at work are going alot better. Reading the 12 steps always helps me. I hate it when someone is mad at me and i don't know why. I feel i am a better person when I let things go. We had a meeting friday morning and i noticed she was kind of avoiding me but i didn't let it bother me. In fact, at one point i even asked her a question and she replied. I know she is still angry with me but that is her problem. I won't quit my job because of her and start all over again somewhere else. Done that before and then i'm the one who suffers in the long run. I'm at work to do my job and if she wants to ignore be - bless her! I'm over it! There are other people at work that i get along just fine with. I don't need her to be happy.
I'm so glad it is nice outside. I just love spring. Everything about it. Every morning i hear the birds singing when i walk puppy before going to work. I wish it was spring all year long. I can't wait to go up to the lake. It will be so different for me to be there this year without my pot which i so much enjoyed when i was up there. I told hubby tonight that being up at the lake is one of my favourite three places in the world to be but i wonder if that is going to change now that i won't be enjoying my joints sitting outside at night, enjoying the stars. He said i might enjoy it more than before cuz i won't have to worry anymore about someone catching me smoking or smelling the stuff when they walk by my place. He's probably right. I'm just nervous about it all. Man am i ever looking forward to the day when i won't even have these stupid thoughts i my mind anymore. I read it takes at least two years to be completely free of the cravings, the thoughts, etc. Two years! Holy macaroni, i only have three months under my belt. Oh well! I can't wait to go away and see my brother. Two more weeks and i will be there. I bought all kinds of nice things for him. He's going to be happy. Nobody ever spoils him, so i don't mind spending all this money on him. I know he's going to think i'm crazy for doing it, but i am so happy to do it! He's really looking forward to my arrival too. We will relax and have fun. I'm going to try to convince him to get a cat. I feel so sorry for him. He works all night and then he's alone all the time. I don't know why, but i thought he could call this kitty cat Joey. I think he would be less lonesome if he had a cat. He told me once he was thinking of getting one so while i'm there i'm going to ask him to bring me to the humaine society and hopefully there will be a little buddy there for him. I'm reading another good book. Went to the library today and got it! I cannot believe how many books i've been reading in the last three months. It reminds me when i was 16 years old. I used to read all the time. But then again, i wasn't smoking pot every freaken waking hour of my life back then, And i was so happy back then also. I've always said if i could go back in time, i would go back to the time when i was 16 years old - first boyfriend, mom was in such a good mood, bought my first 10 speed bicycle by myself and Band on the Run was my favourite song. Slowly, but surely, i'm starting to feel as good now as i did back then! Keep it up girl! Luv u mom! | ||
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