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Message Board > Other Addictions > Gambling Hell

Posted by: candace September 22, 2015, 5:15 PM
I'm new here...I have been fighting gambling addiction for five years. I was completely void of the thought of going into a casino after huge bottom. I'm also a recovering alcoholic. I've been sober from alcohol for a year and a half after rehab. Gambling is my go to. It saves me from drinking if I'm feeling desperate enough. I have a HORRIFIC marriage and my son is mentally ill. I carry the weight of everyone and just when I was finally getting back to "me" and feeling strong again my husband and I had a horrible fight. He is working out of state. It really rattled me and I relapsed.

I'm marveling at this disease. I was feeling on top of the world despite my family problems. I had seen hell so close up I was just happy to be "alive" and strong. I'm not naive to addiction, I am very afraid of it. I know how easy it is to fall from triggers and I didn't protect myself at all here. I've learned something in that. What I'm in awe of is how different I feel now. I feel SICK. I feel so SICK!!! I don't resemble me at all in just 24 hours. I feel gross. I feel beaten. I feel so depressed I'm borderline suicidal. I feel like something has possessed me and I'll never get back to me fast enough. Help...:(

Posted by: Papa Bear September 22, 2015, 5:20 PM
Are you attending AA and GA meetings regularly ??


Posted by: Candace September 22, 2015, 5:38 PM
This is where I deserve a good schooling...answer is no. I was scared off from AA after rehab by a sponsor. My son tried to kill himself. I fell apart. I needed to talk about it and my marriage and wasn't getting support on how to deal with crisis sober. She was awful. I've never been to GA.

Posted by: Papa Bear September 22, 2015, 5:54 PM
AA and GA will help you get your life back.

The consequences of not attending is giving you a great schooling.
When you are ready to get back to recovery AA & GA will be there.

All the best.
Bob R

Posted by: candace September 22, 2015, 6:41 PM
This is what kills me here...

driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity.

I am no better than anyone else. No way, no how. I feel like SOME people who live in AA are judgmental and hard on newbies. It scares me away. I feel bullied. My problems are no worse but my problems are real. They aren't formed from addiction. They are real problems on their own. I know addiction doesn't help them; but in my case they didn't start them. I know I can't fight this alone and that is where I'm an idiot. When I fall like I have...everyone who has been there knows it's painful. That pain is real too. The cycle of shame is real. Recognizing the agony of it isn't self-pity. It's real pain. That's where i'm at. Fear...that resonates in me. I have real fear that isn't addiction based but addiction sure fuels it to a higher unmanageable place. I put myself here for comfort and help from fellow addicts. I know AA is the answer BUT I need some coaxing getting back to trying it again. That sounds like I don't want help...I do. Is that addiction not wanting to get better? Because I was insulted in a few meetings personally and to my face. No one wants that. You took the time for me here to list these things so please know I recognize it. I'm just voicing my "fears". SO many people in AA "get it" to the science that it feels like you're just a full of yourself a****** who want to have "individuality" when in AA reality; you're nobody. I had an identity that I'm trying to get back to. It saved my life in it's own right. Meaning I had a career that was meaningful and inspirational. Very self-fulfilling. I have some real hurdles to get over to get back there and it's a painstaking process. I know me and I know that if I were "me" again and "lived" my life again...I would be in the place I need to be to stay sober. That in itself goes against everything that is AA. Nothing but AA will keep me sober. So...yeah. I'm in denial with AA; not my disease. I've got er' and she's a b****. AA made me feel like I'm nobody. I need my self-confidence to do what I love and it requires huge self-esteem. It feels like as long as we are all the same we will be okay and I get that, I really do. So go ahead and blast me...I'm very much in my disease right now.

I get that every single person struggling with addiction (I'm 48. Hit the bottle hard in 2007. I think gambling saves me from drinking sometimes) has real life challenges too. Family members, job, health issues...physical limitations...everyone has a "trigger" in them. AA prevents relapses because those triggers aren't going to go away in some cases. I know this is where I'm a complete moron. I try to tackle life as I always have. With determination, faith and focus. As addicts...we can't "afford" to slip. I'm realizing that this is what happened to me. That I "thought" I was fine and you are never "fine". All it takes is one bad circumstance. I get swallowed up in hopelessness in all I've lost in addiction. There lies the "cunning" part of it.

---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

I'm honest. If nothing else I'm honest.

... I need AA more than it needs me.

True. I get this.

--- I fight recovery tooth and nail....
I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural.

Hmmmm...the strange thing is...when I left rehab I felt renewed and grateful. I have felt "sane" and loved it. The only time I haven't felt "sane" was now...the last few days of relapsing. I was sane for a long time and it is more natural to me than this. Which is why I describe in what AA people say is whining...I'm being real here. I have been sane most of my life. So the insane is very obvious to me and I HATE IT.

...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know.

I am fully prepared that I'm ignorant with AA.

---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it.
Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it.

AA...equals 4?

--- I didn't have a very happy childhood
but I sure am having a long one !


---Dry since 1989
working daily on getting/staying SOBER.

---If you want to drink, that's your business (really?)
...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. (encouraging)

... at the moment I am between meetings.

It's working for you and that is wonderful.

WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do)

Posted by: candace September 22, 2015, 6:42 PM
Thank you Papa Bear and don't get too mad at me for my long post in rebellion. I'm're helping.

Posted by: candace September 22, 2015, 7:17 PM
Does anyone know how different GA is from AA? I'm asking because I do have both addictions. Would AA be enough? Papa Bear you asked if I was going to both. So I assume I need both...I heard they have same principals.

Posted by: Papa Bear September 22, 2015, 10:44 PM
They both use The 12 Steps. The 12 Steps are used my many recovery programs.

I don't mean to be hard on folks but we spend so much time in denial and delusion that we have to be called on our motives and actions.

Someone has to say to us "Look at your record" and we become accountable.

I hope you get back to AA and find a good sponsor & Home Group.
They are out there and they will save your life.

I was 45 when I came to recovery .. I’ll be 72 next birthday

I wish you the best.


Posted by: candace September 23, 2015, 2:51 PM
I know you're right. I'm too sensitive and I am in major denial. Thanks Papa Bear. I've found only a few meetings for GA. I think AA will be best since I have dual problem. Thanks again. :D

Posted by: Papa Bear September 23, 2015, 6:05 PM
You will find everything you need at the AA meetings..

Most of it you won't like but it will cure what ails you. :0)

All the best.

Bob R

Posted by: Char October 26, 2015, 6:16 PM
Hi Candace,
There is 1 program for both addictions.....And All.
Your story was moving. I have a gambling problem (harder to find help with than other addictions) In GA they make you say "Hello My name is ###, and I am a compulsive gambler". Since one of my Day 1's in 2008, I did not like saying that I am.....something negative. I realize that the 12 steps work with the use of spirituality, but I had to find a way to recover without calling myself something so demeaning. I am still in the program, but I found a program called S.M.A.R.T. it is scientifically based for ALL addictions. It is aligned with my beliefs. Especially because I AM NOT a compulsive gambler BUT that I have a gambling problem. It does not define who I am.
S.M.A.R.T. stands for Self-Management And Recovery Training. Check out their website and maybe add some tools to your recovery.
I wish you the best, and would love to chat more.

Posted by: nevertoolate November 16, 2015, 12:53 PM
Dear Candace,
I am new to this fact this is my first post. I am here looking for support for my boyfriend who I believe is an alcoholic and has a drug addicted son (in denial). Of course I can think of all the groups to to help THEM...especially because I am a recovering gambling addict. I joined GA Oct. 1, 2013 when I hit what was my bottom. Addiction is you may know...that addicts jump from one vice to another...just not easy finding the healthy ones to help us cope with depression, anxiety, etc... I am pretty sure that most addicts suffer from a mental disorder...(i.e. depression, anxiety, ADHD, ADD, bi polar)....addiction is a brain disease. However, once you can identify the problem (like you have realized you have a gambling problem), it can be arrested but never cured. By accepting that I AM a compulsive gambler (because yes, I answered at least 7 of 20 questions right...more like 18), I realize I can not gamble for ANYTHING. I always loved gambling but I knew a trip once a year to vegas would not kill me...however, putting a casino in my backyard or a few minutes from my house WOULD. For ME, the deterrent was to exclude myself from the casinos...there IS such a list and if I go I could be arrested for trespassing. Sadly, some people who sign themselves up, still get tempted and do get caught. For me this helped but then I found myself buying scratch offs (something I never did). I'm not sure where you live as some states are slow to offer counseling to gambling addiction (although it is up there with alcohol & drug addiction), but there may be help available. It does have one of the highest rates of suicide...because of the guilt and shame that go with it...and desperation from the financial ruin. I have never been to an AA meeting yet so I cannot compare the two but I say try the different meetings get counseling too.

Posted by: FrankByMonster January 27, 2017, 9:31 AM
I can understand you. I am addicted to gambling. I spend years playing and so many money wasted. every day I struggle with myself to not play there anymore. And I'm fine. But sometimes I can't and go there again.