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Message Board > Cocaine / Crack Cocaine > Smoking Crack Unfortunatle Makes Me Feel Great!

Posted by: Johnson February 1, 2007, 1:40 AM
I hate crack. Becuase I love it so much. I am a very closeted gay guy. Crack smoking is the only way that I can act on a homosexual level. Yers, what I am saying is sick. But the reality of it is I really need help.
The ONLY reason I smoke it is becuase it gic=ves me such a sexual feeling that when I do it the reality of my homosexual being comes to light.

All I can think about is going down on a dude when I smoke it. I mean, immediately I am ready to **** d**k.

I know this is sick and I am embarrassed to even type this but I got to tlak to someone because I cannot face to face.

OPne night after just one hit. I found myslef seraching the street tryiong to pick up one of those homelss hustlers who alwasy ask for money. I know most of them would do anything for money or crack. I was so horny I would of given them bith.

Anyone feels like I do when smoking it, I mean this strong sexual urge???

Posted by: Johnson February 1, 2007, 1:43 AM
Sorry for the typos. I am at work and rushed to type this before my employees catch me!! LOL

Posted by: Wolf February 1, 2007, 3:07 AM
The sexual urge will dissipate after continued use also crack will no longer "feel good" and will take you to hell. Eventually you won't even get high from it rather you will be smoking it to feel "normal" this is one of the MANY downsides of any narcotic.

I strongly urge you to get some perspective and realize the path that you are on is destructive.

God bless.

Posted by: calabash February 1, 2007, 3:26 AM
Apart from crack eventually killing you, youre sexual behaviousr is also high risk. So frankly, this is a path of self destruction - either through drugs or HIV/AIDS.

I agree with Wolf, you need to get some perspective on things.


Posted by: lulu_loops February 1, 2007, 3:29 PM
beeing a crack addict myself i hav met so many different ppl and different affect it has on them,

seeing girls sell there bodies just for that next hit, my friend got raped in a crack house by 3 men because they couldnt keep themselves from that sexual urge,

i dont understand it maybe because it had the total oppiste affect on me,

just reminded me about the crack lifestyle, i aint missing anything

Posted by: VWGirl February 1, 2007, 9:28 PM
I too had a drug affair with cocaine (and mourned it too), but my using lasted 28 is wasn't the easiest thing in the world but it is by far the biggest gift I've ever been (getting off of coke and alcohol). Best of luck to you!

Posted by: gailadk February 2, 2007, 9:30 AM
Just think of it as playing in the devil's playground. You always feel the beginning and then the hell comes.
Get out as soon as you can because the longer you wait the harder it will be.


Posted by: brit February 4, 2007, 12:14 AM
Hey Johnson. I wonder if you use the crack as an excuse, I realise that you are probably addicted to it by now and it will be difficult to quit. But I think that you need to comes to terms with the fact that you are gay while you are clean, I'm thinking that not many people know you are gay, so by being high you can act out the things that you want to be able to do while you are clean. Please don't be ashamed of who you are, being gay is not a bad thing to be. You have to come to terms with it yourself though and I think you need to find others to talk to about it. Do you have an AIDS commitee in your town? they have brilliant counsellors who can help you come to terms with your sexual orientation and get you help for the crack use.
Please get help for yourself.
Take care and keep in touch.

Posted by: Johnson February 10, 2007, 3:13 AM
OK Brit,

You are correct, not many people know I am gay and yes when I take that first hit all inhibitions are gone. I feel like a big wiehgt has been lifted off my shoulders at that point and then I am ready to act out my fantasies.

It is a sick terrible life!!! In fact right now I have two(2) dope dealers after me because I owe them $500.00 each. Tonight I am sleeping at my job and I will sneak home tomorrow day time and get a chnage of clothes. These guys will literally kill me for not having their $$.

It's like everytime I get high when the money runs out in order to get more, I lie about some in coming money and end-up getting myself in trouble.

This tiome though I feel I went too far. I feel like this is the end and they are going to kill me. All week long I have been hgaving flashbacks as to things that happened ewhen I was a kid. I beleive that is a sign that then end of my life is near.

Posted by: Tough Love February 10, 2007, 11:52 AM
Do you think you would not have such a need for crack if you simply came out of the closet? Is that at all a possibility for you? You are killing yourself, you know that, don't you?

Posted by: Brooke February 10, 2007, 12:28 PM
Johnson why not take a leave of absence from work, check into a detox center, you will learn much about yourself. There is nothing wrong with admitting you are gay. I think once you do, you will find a weight as been lifted.

The addiction, the sexual behavioral if you are having unprotected sex, Like someone said, you are killing yourself.

Please use protection for everyone's sake.

Posted by: Johnson February 12, 2007, 6:30 AM
You know someone else said that to me. Taht I need detox and to take a leave of absence. MY company does have the "leave of absence" polcy, BUT they will want to know what is the issue.

I have 4 weeks vaction that I could take but I don't know anywhere else to go.

Yes, I have been told and I feel that if I came out of the closet things might be better after a while but I would hate the ridicule. YOu know what they say....Gay are all freaks, etc.

Posted by: Tough Love February 12, 2007, 7:33 AM
That attitude tells me you have as many preconceived ideas about homosexuality as straight people do. You are shooting yourself in the foot.

There are help lines to help you deal with your apprehensions about coming out.

Posted by: gailadk February 12, 2007, 9:42 AM
You are who you were born to be. Once you accept it, others will too! You may even find happiness and a real life once you make your peace with your sexuality.
You've gotten some great advice, now it's time to act on it...the other choice is disease, unhappiness, shame and death.

Posted by: lulu_loops February 15, 2007, 3:26 AM
Ive been were u are right now, with my addiction, your reason for not detoxing is your work and next it will be????

Posted by: Wolf February 15, 2007, 4:22 PM
your reason for not detoxing is your work and next it will be????

Exactly. There are a million excuses why we use drugs or don't try and recover but there is not one single good reason.

God bless.

Posted by: confused August 11, 2015, 10:44 AM
I have the EXACT same issue. I'm not sold on the idea I'm gay though. My first sexual experience was with a guy when in 6th grade. We would feel each other and try to engage in different sexual acts but were always unsuccessful as we hadenr hit puberty yet. I then became obsessed on what it feels like to be the bottom and at 17 that obsession came to reality when I let another man penetrate me. I kept thinking during the whole process that this guys is f**** me. Ive never had an emotion connection whist men and Im torn on if Im turned on by the taboo nature of gay sex which is why I'm exclusively a bottom as its the most taboo sexual act for a man to engage in. That said, Ive had numerous 5 or so sexual encounters with men 2 of which were before I got into crack. However, once I take a hit of crack, like you said, almost immedikately after I find the courage to call all kinds of people and come out to them and tell them I'm a bottom, etc... because if you guys knew me (as they all do) it is completely contrary to the person they knew growing up - their shock and the transformation from straight guy to gay man turns me on too. If I want to keep feeding theses thoughts I have to keep supplying myself with crack. I can't even engage in sexual conduct with men before runing to the bathroom to take a hit of crack so I feel gay enough to do the things homosexual men do with each other in bed (BJ, Anal sex, Kiss, Etc) however, as was the case before I was using crack, immediately after I c**, Im repulsed by the thought of being with a man. So, I run to bathroom and take a couple (usually one hit isn't enough to turn on my gay self) nonetheless, after a few hits of crack, I'm cuddling with him and doing very femine acts, etc. Then leave and don't do crack for month or so, no crack, no gay anything. The one thing that lingers in the back of my head is I did have gay sex pre crack and that 95% of my sexual fantasies are of men or of me literally saying "you're gay man" "you're always going to be gay" "you're going to have a husband" etc... So, I see this is dated back to 2005, please let me know what is your status today? clean? gay/straight? etc. Anyone else, I would also appreciate your advice too. I understand I need to quit the crack, worst drug ever, Ive lost a lot from it.

Posted by: miamifella August 18, 2015, 9:16 PM
I never really enjoyed sex until I found crack.

My use got heavy and I went through rehab. 15 years later I still use 2 to 5 times a year.

I try to avoid sexual situations to avoid getting triggered, but I don't think I can completely shut off sexual feelings.

I wish I had an answer for you...because then I would have an answer for myself.

Posted by: Crackiswack August 21, 2015, 9:52 AM
So, did you ever try coming out of closet and living as gay man to see if that helped with sobriety? I know I haven't and plan to attempt that method. Maybe it just lowers inhibitions? The reason I suspect something different is at play is that when I drink I don't feel this way, and drinking definitely lowers one's inhibitions. I think it activates a portion of the brain that is responsible for sexual deviance or promiscuity...However, just like pavlov dog if you do something long enough and there is a reward attached to it, I believe (I understand this isn't very PC of me) that you can condition yourself to be gay, which in may case 7 years of getting high and having sex with one partner (no emotional connection at all) followed by an orgasm, I believe I am gay at this point. so I intend to follow through and live as a gay man attempting to get sober.

Posted by: a friend September 2, 2016, 7:07 PM
johnson,i know this is late mate but, most people giving advice to you have got it back to front,if you need to have a hit before you have those feelings means you know within naturaly you are not a homosexual,you dont need to come out mate believe me. Your gut feeling is telling you that you need a drug to feel no guilt in homosexual acts that will prolong your addiction,,.One day you wont be able to smoke it, either your health with prolonged use ,financial or jail,then you will realise you came out for no reason, peoples opinions are going to lead you into a dead end trap.Look at the statistic's if you want answers,both your issues will destroy and shorten your life. Do you really want to wear diapers before your old mate? I really feel for you johnson, i dont mean any disrespect to you or other people trying to help with this reply. You know the answers mate deep down , the answer is in your own Question. Get some professional help about your desires, when you find out you are not, it will help you fight the addiction, at the end of the day only you can help yourself,be true and honest and your decisions will let you know in time if you chose wisely, i really care mate,i wish you well, no hard feelings.

Posted by: Uncomfortable everyway November 2, 2016, 10:40 PM
You can't beat that's he's not gay,,,it's the coke telling him he's gay??no he never mentioned a family or have girlfriends/wife.....I know a man whose lives a normal life with a family and when he does crack,,he feels like it's ok to jerk off with his guy friends,,,and they also do the same,,,watching porn... sometimes they would have a woman there,,,but she knew when it was time to go to bed,,,,,he would want her to touch his friends,,,,so this man did this for years,,,working raising a family,,same male friends he would play with on a weekend once a month or so..that was just sniffing coke,,,the 80s,,,now he smokes once a month,,,his wife passed away almost 20 yrs ago,,,he really went through about 1 million dollars 6 yrs after his wife passed,,,,,cuz he started smoking round the clock,,,,poor man would try getting off somehow,,he has lived with another woman forv12 yrs and knew him during the 6yrs of non stop smoking,,,and he did keep the same male friends throughout his highs n lows,,,,as he got older he got into kinky taboo like fantasy while doing coke,,,, even though his p**** wasn't hard after the use of the drug he would have to touch it. He doesn't get to do it much anymore he kept his home(thank God) and has a daughter and grandkids,,,who never knew about the money or the parting. His attitude is very angry and mean now. He gets mad if you say what becuz you didn't hear him. But he's all mouth no hit....i know the lady that lives with him ,,,,takes alot of emotion abuse,,,yet she has stuck by him more than a family member.....I guess she helped him live out some of those taboo fantasies,,,,I think coke has different phases the longer you do first it's all good ,,but after your first bad encounter,,police,,fire,, ANYTHING can make your next phase terrible,, people do what there used to doing with others,,,,I never sat around and wanted sex or to be naked...but to each is own,,,,,it's a long time since he posted I wonder what happened to him ,, hopefully he's alive and well.....if you fantasize about the same thing when you masterbate and your not high then you mite have homosexual tendency.....and it's OK. I promise it will be OK for all of's fantasy just protect yourself,,,,even doing oral.....thanks for not judging....I didn't

Posted by: Clint June 11, 2018, 1:17 AM
Johnson I have the same problom and yes i now think im gay too I finally said enough is enough i spent all my enheritence on crack 11,000 dollers and i owe 400 to 1 guy and 300 to 2 others i decided i need to stop i would pay them off each month and they would front me untill i was high again and continue fronting me untill they grew tired of me demanding they get there $ back each mount i get paid once a month so i was in a rut i went into treatment through the va but as soon as i got out 30 days 1 came to me wiped out his c*** and smoked in front of me i went down er u back in trouble so 6 months later i decided to ignore my front door and i ignored my phone stayed in house like a well just stayed in house its been 5-6 monts now but am constantly thinking i want more crack but tell my self im clean fortunatly i never gave them my real phone number i made 1 on google voice (in the setting of google voice i can disable it from ringing my home phone) ifinally i see they arnt calling me every day i never once listen to any of there recordings and never answered the door i bought ear plugs and put them in far so i wont heare door banging and yelling outside and prayed they didnt start braking my windows or somthing im still clean last i used was 5-6 months back 2018 this year i pray for you im starting to feel safe but still afraid to walk to corner store my car was stolen so i call for a ride everywhere i need to go The girl who helps me is my old nabor she moved away because of the crime in naborhood i live in a city houses 3 feet apart some closer then that so i hope it will work for me and if it do maybe it will work for you too just ignore them keep hiding but dont use anymore unless you can aford to pay them give them the $ like they do for your hit call them tell them its in the mailbox and dont answer door or give to someone you trust to pay but if your like me the only people i know i trust as far as them walking out of room lol good luck to us both

Posted by: Jill July 20, 2018, 1:11 AM
Any one close to me . Want u