Printable Version of Topic
Click here to view this topic in its original format
Message Board > Methadone > My Methadone Withdrawals


Posted by: JunkyDave June 8, 2017, 11:58 AM
(I began this documentation a few days ago on another site which has very little traffic. For more visibility and in order to help anyone it can, I'll be moving it here )
"Jumping off methadone"
-JunkyDave-
First let me tell you a little bit about me. I'm 50 years old, male and have been on methadone for the last 10 years. I'm an alcoholic who quit drinking 29 years ago. I don't do any other recreational drugs whatsoever as opiates have scratched that itch quite well. A few months back after tapering down from 80 mg a day to 20 mg per day , I signed out of the clinic and walked away. I was determined that with the small stockpile I had at home I could continue to wean myself off. I called a good friend of mine who has also been on methadone for over 10 years , although not at any particular Clinic and told her I was done. She happened to be horribly dope sick that day and begged me for a few wafers. I personally have great empathy for other Junkies who are sick and trying to keep it together, hold a job, pay a mortgage Etc ...
To make a long story short I picked the wrong time and the wrong parking lot to meet my lifelong friend in and soon I was in jail. I didn't stay in jail long as I do have some savings and means to post bond. I hired the best attorneys that I could and continued to cut my dose down as my court date approached. Last Wednesday was my court date and my attorneys worked out a no felony deal that knocked the drug charge down to a misdemeanor and more importantly the gun charge down to a misdemeanor (I live in a state that allows registered guns in your car) I also got 12 months of drug tested probation and it's because of this that I decided to jump off and go clean from 10mg of methadone a day. I've been doing opiates for 17 years and I've went the same route that a lot of you guys have. A bad back injury led to a prescription of Lortabs then to Percocet to Roxy's, oxy's, lollipops, pain patches and smack if nothing else was around. My last dose was Wednesday morning(10mg) a week ago. I was drug tested the day after I went to court , called in at random they said.. what they really wanted was a Baseline so that they could see if the numbers went down nanograms/ decaliter wise. Therefore I don't have the luxury of taking benzos to sleep or even the most innocuous of prescription meds if they're not prescribed to me, it would be a violation Of course and I'd end up further entwined with the justice system. Here is how it's went:
I noticed nothing Thursday except for anxiety.
Friday was a bit worse but still nothing I couldn't work through.
Saturday I could tell I was going into the beginnings of a somewhat serious withdrawal. I didn't sleep at all Saturday night and the joint pain centered itself in both ankles. Sunday I knew I was in trouble, the nausea started , digestive troubles bubbled away painfully in my gut and sleep escaped me no matter what I tried. I was sweating like a w**** in church and more anxious than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. It was a very rough day.
Monday it appeared, at first at least , was going to be a great day . Somehow Sunday night I had managed to sleep four and a half hours and my mind had tricked itself into thinking the worst was over . I Knew by noon that it was certainly not over. The mystery sleep had simply been one of those strange gifts that happened from time to time and not anything more. I decided instead of being crestfallen about the situation I would instead be grateful that somehow, somewhere, someone had allowed me that rest. No matter how rough Monday was I resolved myself to be in a grateful State of Mind for the nearly five hours of blissful sleep that I'd received. It's currently Tuesday evening and I'm feeling pretty rough. my face is so flushed , my body stinks , my ankles feel like they've been run over by semi truck, I am utterly exhausted but it's the small things that keep me moving. I want to be clean. I want to put this hellish chapter behind me. I no longer want to be a Slave to the Grind of this disease The constant Hustle and Flow of opiate addiction has left me exhausted emotionally, spiritually and financially. Wish me luck, say a prayer and hopefully you'll hear from me again
Regards , Dave

Posted by: JunkyDave June 8, 2017, 12:09 PM
One week today. 2 hrs of sleep last night. I have the strange taste of wet cardboard in my mouth and am constantly nauseated It's a repulsive taste. I still feel flushing in my face. On a scale of 1-10 I'd say this is a 5.5 except that the lack of sleep seems to be amplifying my overall sense of malaise. No desire for food.
Jun 07

Posted by: JunkyDave June 8, 2017, 12:11 PM
Day 7, 1:05 p.m.
Wish I knew how to edit on here but I don't ,so sorry for the mistakes in posting.
Had to go to Walmart because we're literally out of food. I stayed in the truck while my wife went in and did the shopping. A thunderstorm suddenly roared in and I watched the various people in the parking lot run around in disarray and chaos. I felt a kinship with them even though I was perfectly dry. The rain subsided and I watch the parking lot return to normality. I was a little sad. Somehow the group disarray Id witnessed had brought a weird Comfort to me. I stepped out of the truck just to let the sun hit my face and I smelled the purest air I think I've ever smelled. Every trace of pollen had been beaten down and there was an overall easiness in the air. The rain had cooled things down so quickly that it caused a cloudiness in the mountains it looked like great Billows of smoke drifting through the trees, the sunshine was on my back and I felt at ease. I've simply got to take note of the little joys and wonders of living. Dope can't run the show any longer.

Posted by: JunkyDave June 8, 2017, 12:16 PM
Day 8, 8:25am. Sick at a 5/10. Got tricked Yesterday by this Insidious withdrawal into thinking I could cut my dose of Imodium as I was feeling better and apparently almost done with this process. Lying instincts Sneaky lying undependable instincts.
On a positive note I don't feel quite as emotionally vulnerable as I have been feeling. I'll choose to be happy about that.
The big problem still is sleep or lack thereof. Only 1.5 hrs of sleep last night. The lack of quality sleep is becoming debilitating. Also it's the way I'm being deprived that's particularly cruel. At 10pm last night I stretched out with my body giving every indication that sleep would be arriving shortly. Then for the next 7 hours I stayed in some sort of virtual holding pattern, so close to sleep but never being green lit to actually land. The Perpetual circling of my ultimate destination begin to drain me immensely. It reminded me of a flight I was on years ago where we got stuck in a holding pattern right above the airport because a fuel truck had sprung a leak and apparently littered a large portion of the tarmac with jet fuel before it was discovered. We circled the airport incessantly, Waiting, waiting.. waiting... Through the clouds I could see my destination,so close but so far beyond any scope of influence I possessed. I remember going through a whole series of emotions ranging from raw indignation to silent plaintive pleas. I also remember, towards the end, grumbling that if I ever actually landed I would swear off flying forever. Last night I found myself saying the exact same thing again.
Life is funny and hauntingly unpredictable but Damn it I'm choosing to live it to the fullest instead of circling it like some sort of helpless,sickly, stowaway. Mark my words, once this disastrous ride is finally grounded, I will never ever fly again.

Posted by: Lvg June 8, 2017, 3:48 PM
Hey Dave, I quit cold turkey from massive amounts of methadone and diluads. It was the hardest thing I have done. Hang in there I'm now 7 months clean... It does get easier I promise you. Great job. Proud of You. Stay strong for Today...

Posted by: JunkyDave June 8, 2017, 4:12 PM
Thank you for the kind words. It means alot.

Posted by: JunkyDave June 8, 2017, 6:11 PM
Day 8:
5:10pm
The wife went to use the garage door opener to take the dogs out and it broke. The door was half up-half down. Not a good thing at all. I drug my exhausted being out into the steamy garage and after an hour of random fiddling. Had it working again. Then 20 minutes later she went to open it again and the same thing happened. As I stood sweltering on a stepstool I was fuming. I slammed a door, stormed around and overall laid down a pretty funky cloud of bad vibes. I guess today I'm just an A-hole.
A dirty, sweaty,sickly, unappealing and certainly ungrateful a-hole. I'll try to do better.
Some Sleep would surely help

Posted by: NeedHelp123 June 8, 2017, 6:11 PM
Hey Dave. I'm now a little over 11 months off Methadone (10yrs+ on) and it does get easier but I do still have some bad days in between the good. My main problem is anxiety and restless legs that wake me in the early morning. Exercise helps a lot so if you can even get out and walk a half block, you'll be helping produce endorphin.

Lvg, you say your at 7 months right now...are you over the PAWS? Do you still feel restless or anxiety sometimes during the day?

Dave, keep up the good work. You can get through this...it just takes time to allow healing to take place. You should be proud of yourself for taking this step and removing these shackles.


Posted by: JunkyDave June 8, 2017, 6:15 PM
Thank you Needhelp...
It's so reassuring to hear from others who have faced this demon down.

Posted by: NeedHelp123 June 8, 2017, 6:31 PM
After the first few months of me counting the days, hoping I would wake up the next day and be back to 100% but began to not only realize, but to accept that my brains mu receptors (opioid receptors) have been altered by Methadone for over 10yrs and that's not including the 3+yrs of opioid use. It fully sunk in that it may even take more than a year for those receptors to get back to a normal state. This helped me a lot because it wasn't putting so much focus on being back to my old self by a certain date.

At first, I pushed for the 90 day mark because you always hear how 3 months is the recovery period but when I was still feeling the PAWS at 90 days, I became extremely discouraged and made things worse. Some days you can't help but hope for a date or time to feel better but it passes. Today, I have many good days where I feel like I did before I ever touched opioids but I know if a bad day comes, it's just my brain still trying to adjust to not having those chemicals there and learning a healthy and normal reward system. Be proud and keep us updated.

Posted by: Lvg June 8, 2017, 9:57 PM
Hey need help, PAWS is very rare, I to thought I was experiencing that. I've abused drugs so long,I really don't know what normal feels like anymore. But I have every emotion now happy one min, balling my eyes out, laughing the next talk about rollercoasters ughh hate rollercoasters.. I take naps during the day, that's new.. The brain after 30days repairs itself, I to thought I had brain damage. My God what a journey. I was isolating home alone Feeling depressed, miserable,hated the world and me. It was awful I thought I was doing everything right,still felt alone miserable. After 5,6,7 months being clean I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, went to Na, it has changed my whole life. Us as Addicts alone are bad company. Stay strong for Today...

Posted by: JunkyDave June 8, 2017, 9:58 PM
I have also heard that near full recovery is 1 month per year you were on methadone? For me that would be 10 months....
Oy vey!!

Posted by: Lvg June 8, 2017, 9:59 PM
Hey Dave your doing awesome. Stay hydrated it helps rid the toxins from your system.. Stay Strong for Today. Every clean day is a good day...

Posted by: JunkyDave June 9, 2017, 10:03 AM
Day 9
8:31 am

I slept nearly 5 hours last night. Upon arising I could immediately tell that the rest had restored some clarity to my thinking. I thought back on Sunday nights unexpected sleep Bonanza and quickly saw a pattern. Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday night all had the same thing in common, very little sleep. Then Sunday comes and I sleep four and a half hours. This time it's Monday night, Tuesday night, Wednesday night in which I struggled to sleep 2 hours per night... and finally Thursday night, in which I sleep 5 hours. It looks like the body is simply exhausted after 6 hours of sleep in 3 nights and goes into a mandatory shutdown. But at any rate I'll be grateful. Sleep is an escape and it feels so wonderful to just Drift Away. My two grandsons are coming over today for the weekend so we'll see how that goes. Still feel like crap but my mental foggyness appears to be lifting. Also it appears that The troughs in between the cresting waves of discomfort are becoming longer? So the waves of discomfort, when they come, are still intense but the pauses in between appear to have lengthened slightly.
I also notice yesterday during my forced activity with the garage door that afterwards there appeared to be a push back the overall crappiness I was feeling. The activity, even though exhausting, seemed to trigger a long and unexpected period of Clarity both mentally and physically. I would say today would rate a 4.5 out of 10 on my personal withdrawal scale.
A BIG thanks to everyone who's taken the time to comment on this thread. Believe it or not every comment has meant something to me and has helped me in some way, form or fashion.

Posted by: Lvg June 9, 2017, 4:21 PM
Hey Dave, Plenty of water,did I say plenty of Water.. Try excersise,sex anything to stimulate natural endorphins.. Everything your feeling is all Normal all part of the process. Stay Strong for Today..

Posted by: JunkyDave June 9, 2017, 4:39 PM
Definitely feeling better today but still it's hard to trust the sensation. I've been tricked before thinking that it was better only to find out that it really wasn't. So I won't believe it or disbelieve it for now, I'll just be glad that I'm feeling better and won't attempt to gaze too deeply into the phenomena.


Posted by: JunkyDave June 9, 2017, 9:44 PM
I'm drinking loads of water and Gatorade and eating the best that I can. Just praying for some decent sleep on the 2nd Friday night since I've been clean.

Posted by: Lvg June 9, 2017, 9:49 PM
Hey Dave, it takes a long time for our bodies and brain to heal. The sleep is last thing to normalize.. it's over 7mths clean for me I only sleep 4hrs ughhhmaybe if I'm lucky 5hrs.

Posted by: Lvg June 9, 2017, 9:50 PM
That little devil still whispers in my ear..

Posted by: NeedHelp123 June 9, 2017, 11:33 PM
You sound like you are doing well Dave...much better than I was when first acute withdrawing. Just stay strong because in the early stages the intrusive thoughts of just wanting to be back to normal can creep up and it's seems easy to just take something...anything just to get relief. I will tell you, I will never go back to any type of opioid or opioid blocking medication for the simple fact that my fear of going through these past 10 months overrides any desire to go back. One thing that I wanted to share with you was just how good I feel not being chained down to these types of medications.

The freedom of not having to go drop off samples, take this poison every morning in order to keep withdraws at bay, going away on a trip with the gf (2 weeks ago) and not have to worry about taking anything as soon as I wake is...it's something I am so thankful for. I will tell you, that feeling is an awesome thing to look forward to. It will take time, but you're doing good...keep it up. For me, I think I'm a little over 11 months and a real turning point where I noticed I would often tell myself "wow, "this is a good day" was around the 10 month mark. I'm still waiting for the sleep issue to be resolved (being able to sleep without feeling the body is forcing myself to get up) and the sneezing lol oy vey, the sneezing gets annoying sometimes, but isn't as often as even a few months ago.

You'll do fine. Trust me, if I can get through this...I'm confident you'll do just fine. Keep posting and let us know how you're doing.

Posted by: NeedHelp123 June 9, 2017, 11:46 PM
Lvg, how has NA helped you? I had thought about attending a meeting in my city but wasn't sure if it would help much due to the fact that I have absolutely no cravings or desire to take anything that affects receptors in my brain out of sheer fear of it sending me back into acute withdrawal or the after, mental aspect PAWS (which I ended up getting in spades). I knowledge of NA is very limited and thought it was there to help people stay clean. My gf has been great throughout all this but never fully knew what I was going through so maybe the fellowship of others with first hand knowledge would be beneficial? My feeling was, being around people who are sometimes still in and out of that life would remind me of the type of life I lived before and would hinder any ongoing progress. Any thoughts on this are welcome.

Posted by: itspossible June 10, 2017, 8:53 AM
dave, nice job buddie,hang tough, you got this..the fog slowly lifts..Its like a gray hair, you never see it until one day you say, " where did that come from?" that's how slow the recovery off the dones actually is..

Ive got 10 months clean from the drain train..

congrats to lvg and needhelp, you guys are awesome!!

Posted by: JunkyDave June 10, 2017, 11:09 AM
Day 10
10 a.m.
I only slept 2 hours and when I did wake I was sick. Typical dope sick symptoms. Flushed face, shotgun sneezing , watering eyes, Zero Energy and an overall sense of great malaise. From my perspective this feels like a devastating blow especially after yesterday's fantastic results. The haphazard and randomized way in which the withdrawal is presenting itself makes it difficult for me to draw a bead on what any particular plan of action should be. It just keeps morphing around my best laid plans.
At any rate I'll find something positive to focus on today. Perhaps I'll focus on the people who have responded to this post so positively. That's been a big plus for me and I'm grateful. Yeah that'll be my thing today.

Posted by: JunkyDave June 10, 2017, 11:36 AM
@it'spossible
Thank you for commenting. I read every comment when they come up because it seems to help. And yeah the gray hair effect sounds like a pretty fair analogue.

Posted by: Lvg June 10, 2017, 2:27 PM
Hello Dave, It's all part if the process,it's all Normal..I promise you this will pass, than the Mentally journey begins. Just remember even normal people have bad days, you will have good days than few not so good just remember it will pass in a few days. Your doing awesome. Stay Strong for Today.

Posted by: Lvg June 10, 2017, 2:32 PM
Hello need help, we as Addicts have abused drugs for so long that when we finally get some clean time we Forget how to live, we kept ourselves isolated for so long,that when we start feeling ever emotion sad , mad, happy we are unsure how to cope with all the emotions flooding in. We as Addicts alone are bad company. We need face to face support. That's what na has given me. The tools to handle my Addiction. To maintain long term maintenance. Stay Strong for Today..

Posted by: Lvg June 10, 2017, 2:34 PM
Remember we didn't get here in one day so it takes time to heal..

Posted by: itspossible June 10, 2017, 2:35 PM
hello lvg,
just curious at your stage, what are your biggest issues these days? I'm personally still dealing with laziness and still have stomach issues..other than that, pretty good..thanks

Posted by: Lvg June 10, 2017, 5:37 PM
Hello it's possible, Good question. Well I abused drugs for 40 years now that I am clean just learning Life. I still get exhausted quickly, but I have motivation if that makes sense.its a daily learning process,now that I finally decided to go to Na, I'm learning just how to live each day. I'm not miserable, depressed, lonely, isolating by Myself anymore. Some days are good some are not. Better than always running, chasing and running out of drugs. Finally Free of those handcuffs.. Not sure if I answered your question.

Posted by: JunkyDave June 10, 2017, 8:36 PM
Day 10
7:36pm.
This has been by far the worst day. I would rate it a six out of ten. Every single aspect of it's been bad from the way I physically felt to my emotional well-being. I woke up at 7 a.m. and didn't put the first bite of food in my mouth until 3 p.m. I did go out at 11 a.m. and look at a small job which I had already scheduled Tuesday when I was fairly certain that by Saturday I would surely feel better. I also drove 50 minutes each way to pick up our two grandsons because again I'd given my word that I would, so I did but boy was that tough. At the present moment my wife is trying to keep the boys occupied because she knows that I feel so sick and I'm holed up in the bedroom with the light off, hiding out for all I'm worth. Doesn't make me feel very useful at all. I'm going to drag myself up and go make myself interact.
All in all today was not a good day but I'm still here and I'll survive these middle rounds where my opponent has had his second wind. I'll take the blows, however hard. I'll rest when I can, brawl when I must and wait my turn patiently. Eventually even the strongest of bullies run out of gas and then it can be my turn. I'm ready for this battle. I've been ready for a long time. I weaned myself down from 80 mg of day, alone and in private.., preparing myself for a time when I would be strong enough to finally Break Free. That time is now and I remain stubbornly unafraid

Posted by: NeedHelp123 June 10, 2017, 10:16 PM
You're made a plan, are getting through it and you should be proud of yourself. Some of the major physical withdrawal should calm down soon. Lots of plain water and vitamins are needed. Your body is going through a lot of physical suffering due to the acute withdrawal and your brain is trying to cope with the changes that are occurring so vitamins and amino acids are a must. Also, L-Tyrosine helps in the management of stress but more importantly, helps build endorphins. Valerian Root can be helpful for sleeping and L-Theanine is good for anxiousness and helps calm you.

Hope tonight is a bit better bud. Hang in there. It's always darkest before the dawn.

Posted by: Lvg June 10, 2017, 10:39 PM
I agree with everything need help said. Proud of You, you should​be proud of yourself... Stay hydrated. This to shall pass I promise you.. Every Clean day is a good day. Stay active don't isolate, will help the process. Walk around the house,do something..

Posted by: JunkyDave June 11, 2017, 1:19 AM
Day 10
11:55 pm.
The worst is past. Not sure what this episode was all about today but it was rough. For the most part I feel better as of about 10 p.m. tonight. The only remaining traces are that I am weakened a bit,have a very slight tremor in my left hand and an overall queasiness. The leg and ankle pain are almost completely gone. The sneezing has subsided entirely. And the overall Malaise Has Lifted.
In the five years that I abused and used opiates before I went to the methadone clinic in 2007, I was on and at some point withdrew from almost every pharmaceutical opiate drug out there and in my experience nothing shares this withdrawal profile.
Anyways just happy to be back. :-)

Posted by: itspossible June 11, 2017, 7:33 AM
hello dave, your boxing analogy is good..Its really a 12 round title fight,its not going to knock you out but just continue to wear you down through the middle and late rounds..
I underestimated vitamins and other suppliments until I stopped taking them,our bodies need the vitamins to recover..
good luck today..

Posted by: JunkyDave June 11, 2017, 11:47 AM
Day 11
10:30 A.m.
I woke up at 6 a.m. after sleeping a shockingly long 5 hours. I feel fatigued and nauseated. I'm beginning to get a hollow , haunting feeling that I've underestimated this process. I also believe that having a 3 and 4 year old over at the same time may have been a mistake. Answering endless questions about Paw Patrol, Mutant Turtles and whether Pirate's are real has further drained any energy stockpiles I may have had. But hey, I'm alive and I'm clean and for that I'm grateful

Posted by: Lvg June 11, 2017, 2:09 PM
Proud of You Dave.

Posted by: NeedHelp123 June 11, 2017, 5:56 PM
Yeah, both Methadone and Suboxone are a different kind of animal in terms of withdrawal. Keep your head up...it slowly gets better.

Btw, had to look up Paw Patrol lol

Posted by: JunkyDave June 11, 2017, 7:30 PM
Day 11
6:27p.m.
I am fairly convinced that I have entered into the deeper waters of this withdrawal. I will be lucky if I don't lose my lunch soon even though I didn't have any. A full 7/10 on my silly little scale.

My mind still remains oddly clear however, Jumping here and there with hopes of the future and regrets of the past. I'll be honest and tell you that this level of withdrawal, at this extended of a period, has caught me completely off guard. People told me it was an Insidious kick and I tried to appreciate their wisdom but perspective matters and I suppose I'm earning mine now...

Posted by: NeedHelp123 June 11, 2017, 8:40 PM
Dave, just remember that this isn't a repeated process. Once you've overcome this, you'll never have to go through this again. Each day that passes brings you that much closer to being free of this situation. Having gone through such a horrendous experience....the feeling of finally being free of this and the feeling of accomplishment is almost indescribable. You will come out of this so much stronger when this is over. Just take it hour by hour right now. I also can't stress enough how important plain water, amino acids and vitamins are during this initial process.

You should be proud of, not only your decision to do this, but to continue going through this tough time in order to achieve a better and healthier life for yourself. I connect with, and know exactly what you're going through.

You're not alone in this. Stay strong, my friend.

Posted by: JunkyDave June 11, 2017, 9:54 PM
@Needhelp
I surely hope that one day I can be right minded enough to offer sage advice to those entrenched in the shadows of addiction and withdrawal. That's pretty noble.

Posted by: JunkyDave June 12, 2017, 7:48 AM
Day12
6:03 am.
Still very sick. My sense of smell has went haywire and is nearly at superhuman levels. I can smell all the laundry room sundries, along with the kitchens carefully canistered coffee. I cannot pull my blanket to close to my face because of the overwhelming scent of cotton and other fibers. Sad truth is, I'm fully familiar with this odd happening, I've  experienced it many times during many withdrawals from other opiates but it was  always during their peak withdrawal phases, Approx. days 3-6, Not on day 12.
It doesn't really matter to me at this point how rough it gets or how long it lasts. I never assumed it would be easy. I always knew it'd be tough. I did hope that I might be one of the fortunate few who Detox relatively effortlessly. But deep inside, I knew..
When I told my counselor that I was quitting the clinic and detoxing at home and I watched fearful sorrow slowly trace her face, I knew..
The gist of my mindset is  that I'm  tired of being intimidated by fears of withdrawal. I'm tired of surrendering my emotional lunch money to this disease . I'm fed up and I'm done. I'm  furious  about all I've surrendered in order to keep the peace. I should have done this long ago but I got lost on the wide,  well trodden path of opiate  induced complacency and the fuzzy logic it produces. But today I am not lost..
I feel plenty sick but not lost even in the slightest. I'll be grateful for that today..
  

Posted by: Lvg June 12, 2017, 8:23 AM
Hello Dave, You Inspire me. It takes time.. Your Mental fortitude is awesome keep up the good work..

Posted by: NeedHelp123 June 12, 2017, 1:38 PM
Hey Dave, it sounds like you have the right mindset to overcome this. You should take pride in that. I can relate a lot in regards to why you finally wanted off the mind numbing roller coaster. I switched back to Suboxone for the last bit, in hopes that it would be easier, and thus, a more successful detox since Sub is only a partial agonist. Of course, I was wrong, and didn't fully understand the extent of how these medications affect the brain. Switching to Sub would not have made much of a difference at that time due to the length of time I was on Methadone and the amount of recovery time my receptors would need to heal.

I was given a lot of misinformation by my doctor there. He actually refused to wean me down lower than 3mgs...the same "we'll keep you at this dose for now" talk, so when he went away for vacation last summer, I decided that was my chance, used those weeks to do a self taper and called him after to tell him I would no longer be coming back in. A bit late, but the best decision
I've ever made.

I notice you seem to have a lot of self-awareness. This is an invaluable trait and will help you through this difficult time. And hey, you're already almost at 2 weeks! This initial phase should be subsiding pretty soon. You'll be in my thoughts today. One hour at a time, my friend.



Posted by: JunkyDave June 12, 2017, 2:29 PM
You guys move me with your kindness. It means so, so, much to me. The circle of successful jumpers appears woefully small and I consider it a blessing to speak with those who Truly know this journey from the inside out.

Posted by: itspossible June 12, 2017, 9:28 PM
your doing great dave !! you keep answering the bell round after round, that's how you beat this monster..

confusious "he who says he can, and he who says he can't, are both right"

Posted by: JunkyDave June 12, 2017, 9:44 PM
Day 12
7:50pm.
Still quite sick. Small slight headache centered behind right eye is annoying and bothersome. Sinus headache I'd guess. I drifted off this afternoon for nearly two hours. No doubt I'm worn. The nausea is non stop and I'm drinking pepto from the largest bottle they had. It's ridiculously oversized and obviously not meant for travel. It's meant for those who are convalescing. It's taller than a water bottle and almost twice the girth. Part of me feels depressed that Ive put myself in such a vulnerable and sickly position but another part of me snickers when I see the size of that Dam bottle. Must of been designed for a serious multi-use situation. Its sad that I alone have almost polished it off.
But I still feel firmly dug in and my resolve is the intact.
Ive Been sick before, been depressed before, been all this before. Feels like I'm being forced to watch a really bad movie that I've already suffered through a dozen times before, albeit this showing is in some strange slow motion edit..,virtually identical just much more drawn out.
I pray I'm better tomorrow because I want a meeting in my system. If I'm able, only if I'm able.

Posted by: JunkyDave June 13, 2017, 10:02 AM
Day 13
7:15am
I am unsure if I'm any better but certain I am no worse. I managed to sleep a good long while but sadly failed to document the exact duration. My wife said that I was asleep, one foot on the floor, at 1am when she momentarily arose and I woke up at 6:30am so 5.5 hrs at a minimum.  I would celebrate my sleep returning except I no longer trust anything related to this withdrawal.
At first check I feel better today. Maybe a 5/10. But who's to say...
My post last night was tough to complete. My thoughts were scattered and defied   Coalescence despite all my might. It's tough to spend an hour trying to pull your thoughts together only to discover that, at least for now, it's not to be.
The opposite of surrender is to resist but with my body so weary, my resistance is now mostly with words. But hey, Who knows what weary travelers may stumble upon this journey and decide to push forward in their own?  Perhaps I can resist The beast even in the future-tense by Inspiring  someone else, at some other time, to ball up their fists, Swing for the fences and furiously  fight for their own liberation??
 This thought brings me great joy.. I am bitter and vengeful over the helplessness I'm feeling and I'm  desperate to show I'm still in this by fighting back anyway I can.
If this  wicked withdrawal can land odd blows from strange angles, hopefully so can I.

Posted by: Lvg June 13, 2017, 11:59 AM
You are by putting your journey out there. Your doing awesome keep it up. Poud of You.. You are an inspiration to me....

Posted by: JunkyDave June 13, 2017, 6:39 PM
5:15pm
Very sick on this two weeks eve. I have had a healthy appetite today which I've lacked for the last several days in a row. Strange today I started craving fish? I thought about various commercial fish sandwiches but instead settled on a giant homemade tuna fish sandwich. It was splendid.
Hopefully tomorrow , on the two-week anniversary , I'll feel a lot better than these last few days. That would be fantastic. I'd enjoy a reprieve.
On a brief side note, There's no better way of announcing to the whole of Walmart that you are hopelessly dopesick than to Shuffle around rattling off rapid fire shotgun sneezes in multi-fire formations.
Just lovely :-)

Posted by: NeedHelp123 June 13, 2017, 11:40 PM
"There's no better way of announcing to the whole of Walmart that you are hopelessly dopesick than to Shuffle around rattling off rapid fire shotgun sneezes in multi-fire formations."

I probably shouldn't have laughed as much as I did to this, but that is something that I can relate to very well. Although the sneezing is not nearly as frequent, my girl still laughs when I can't control it by holding my nose and end up firing off multiple sneezes in public...at the movies especially o_o

lol at least you still have a sense of humour during this trying time. 2 weeks coming up. Believe it or not, that is a milestone that many don't even make it to...let alone have the strength to continue on. Take pride in that. Hope you have a good night, man.

Posted by: NyToFlorida June 14, 2017, 10:06 AM
Tuna has a lot of protein and omega fat/oils (or whatever those good things are) - your brain is probably craving the nutrients it needs to rebuild. Tuna, spinage, kale.... double up on multi vitamins, etc. try the gummy ones - digest easier...

Posted by: JunkyDave June 14, 2017, 10:39 AM
Day14
8:10am.
Two weeks clean today. It's been a long, long time since I've been two weeks completely clean.

Yesterday, shortly after I'd posted about my tuna fish sandwich, my appetite went crazy. Over the next four hours,at seperate times I ate: A family size can of Campbell  chunky sirloin soup, a half sleeve of crackers, a full bowl of fried mushrooms heavily dipped in ranch, and finally a small bowl of yellow rice...
The food has given me some strength and my nausea has greatly subsided. I had great hopes that I'd awaken and feel infinitely better but of course that didn't happen.
When I woke, after 5.5 hrs, my pillow was soaked and my head was thumping with one of those punishing, pulse type of headaches. Not really what I had in mind but I feel the tide beginning to subside. Last night was the first time in many days that I'd been able to get my back fully off the ropes for a moment. It feels liberating to watch an opponent of this ferocity forced to take a step back and suck a little wind.
Yeah it's been two weeks and I'm still here and  although this has been pure hell, I remain resolute and utterly unafraid.
My old life holds no promise, no hope, and no future. A lonely place of numb observations,  squelched creativity, and spiritual desolation . These are the sad truths and why I must embrace every advantage offered in this fight.

Some things are just worth fighting for and some hills are just worth dying on.
 So onward I go... Resting when I can, brawling when I must..

Posted by: JunkyDave June 14, 2017, 5:47 PM
Still feeling really bad but my mind is strangely very clear. I hope I can stay clean when this is finally over so that I never have to repeat this process again. I've always been strong about getting clean and weak about staying clean. I'm going to need to be all around strong from here on out.

Posted by: Lvg June 14, 2017, 5:52 PM
Keep up the good fight Dave. Your are an inspiration to me.. Proud of You..

Posted by: JunkyDave June 15, 2017, 10:20 AM
Day15
7:45am
If the withdrawal off of these long-acting opiates where the same for everyone , it would be much easier to plot and plan ones recovery. But everyone is different , their length of addiction is different , level of fitness, overall age, Etc ... , And so the path is not lit by one stream of information but rather a wild collage of variables , X-factors, and algorithms to complex for even the most right minded of folk to decipher. Let alone those suffering through this bloody mess...
I mention all of this because somehow I am sleeping now. 4-5 hrs a night. As I read of others sleepless months of agony I can't help but wonder, "Why am I resting while so many others cannot?"
I feel a bit guilty...
Two quick things on my sleep.
First, I am not dreaming at all. The sleep seems to be solely perfunctory and comes when it chooses. Perhaps completely instinctual.
Secondly, When I wake I am soaked in sweat. Pillows,blankets, night cloths etc..

My main foe right now appears to be my utter lack of energy. My energy crashes are explosive and leave me feeling a debilitated mess. I am  apathetic and lack movement, or any desire for it. When I do move I am richly rewarded but every fiber of my being tells me to rest, recover...

Gotta drag my arse into some type of meeting soon. That's how I finally quit drinking 27yrs ago. I sucked up my pride and went in with some humility. Perhaps it was easier at 23 to practice humility. I was young and they were mostly older. Nowadays though,  I see mostly younger people socializing on the porches and parking lots after meetings and such. Full of vigor, hope, and life. Fully aware that father time is their staunchest ally..
 Touche

Posted by: NeedHelp123 June 15, 2017, 4:34 PM
Sounds like you're starting to feel a bit better. The worst of the acute stage should be passing. Imo, within a couple days you should start thinking about doing some light exercise. Walking is probably the best for where you're at right now because you have to remember, your body has been fully drained and has been going through so much. Any type of weight lifting or running I would avoid right now. It's a lot of strain on a body that's already strained. Walking a block or two really does help you feel better by squeezing out endorphins and increased energy will follow.

Try and keep things light. Keep away from things that would cause stress...as stress is a trigger that often sends your CNS into overdrive and you'll sometimes feel like you're back in the worst parts of withdrawal. This whole process is very gradual and not easy to undertake for so many...but you're doing it! You seem strong and as I've said, very self-aware, so I'm guessing after going through all this and it is all said and done...you're never going to want to even look at another opioid or opioid type of drug. Btw, a meeting sounds like a good idea. I was thinking about going to the next one that's here in my city.

Keep at it. Very proud of how far you've come.

Posted by: JunkyDave June 15, 2017, 9:24 PM
7:45pm.
Still having periods where I feel really bad but they are definitely decreasing in intensity and duration. But man when they hit, they still hit. I'm also experiencing some mild waves of depression but I'm unsure if it's a chemical thing or a Clarity thing. Over the past four or five days, when my mind was clear enough, I've been taking inventory of my life and the poor decisions I've made. Sometimes I've had little epiphanies that brought with them a sense of regret or embarrassment. I think it may be easy to confuse depression with a deep sense of regret. Both are very Hollow, lonely, and empty emotions. It hurts to toss away 15+ years for a few fistfulls of dope. It stings even worse when those years are wasted in later life. On the positive side I'm Not Dead like So many of my family, friends, and Associates who have perished over the last 10 years due to this terrible opiate scourge.
I suppose I should be more grateful I wasn't among them. It's dangerous out there nowadays. Fake Percocets made with Chinese Fentanyl have hit the South hard lately. 18 people died in Atlanta just last week. I'm grateful I'm not out there anymore taking 6 or 7 Percocets at a time. But for the grace of God there I go.
I really am fortunate

Posted by: itspossible June 16, 2017, 8:01 AM
nice job dave..sleep will increase over time, I think I got my 1st full night at about 5 week mark..

I understand that regret thing.i pissed away so much of everything is crazy..
but, graditude has be proven to be the most healthy emotion that we have..have a good day brother..

Posted by: JunkyDave June 16, 2017, 9:03 AM
Day16
7:45am
Night sweats have become a major issue. Last night I slept very little and every time I drifted off I'd be wakened  by bouts of them. Very annoying.
My wife prepared some scrambled eggs and cheese for me which I couldn't bear to eat. It smelled like she had delivered to me a giant plate of steaming sulfur. I apologized thrice and pushed them aside. Dammit I wanted them cheesy eggs.
My mind seems clear although not bubbling over with ideas or ambitions. Just clear, which I'll take.
During My whole journey I have only used three medicines. Baby Aspirin, lotramin, and Pepto. I am off the pepto and weaning off the lotramin . I'm still taking three baby aspirin 4x per day. I'm so much better but still feel somewhat under siege. Hopefully it keeps getting better day by day...

Posted by: Lvg June 16, 2017, 9:19 AM
Hey Dave, It does get better day by day I promise you. If you were to read my journey from day one it sounds like a horrific traumatic novel.. I'm reading your journey now that I'm 7 1/2 months clean and your still going through this awful process one you will never forget, keep that in my mind when that beast starts whispering in your ear. You still have an awesome sense of humor.. your doing just fine...

Posted by: JunkyDave June 16, 2017, 3:48 PM
@lvg
Thanks for taking time to even read this mess. Re-reading shows me that despite trying in earnest to be ready for this, I was Woefully underprepared. But hey, I'm too far in to give up now though. Gotta keep pushin'
Thanks for you input and support. One day I'm going to have 7 and 1/2 months clean again...

Posted by: Lvg June 16, 2017, 3:55 PM
Dave, this to shall pass...I promise you..You are right where you need to be. I wish you could read my story..It's not on this forum... Without the help and support of others I would not have made it. They saved my Life.. It's definitely a battle. But you are worth it.

Posted by: JunkyDave June 16, 2017, 10:22 PM

9:15pm.
All day has been straight down hill. I've felt like crap all Dam day. Three Friday nights in a row? Really..?
It wasn't till tonight that I realized that I didn't venture out at all today. Not even a walk around the driveway. I've become convinced that some form of activity produces pretty tangible results. I just screwed up and forgot the playbook today. Hopefully tomorrow I will finally turn the corner on this thing.
Sick of being sick

Posted by: Lvg June 16, 2017, 11:09 PM
Get those natural endorphins going... Natural Dopamine firing.. walk around the house,do some excersise,sex anything just keep moving..It definitely helps speed up the process. Just think like you have the flu it will pass. Like climbing Mt Everest, keep climbing Dave You got this...

Posted by: NeedHelp123 June 17, 2017, 1:18 AM
Hey Dave, it's a fairly drawn out process and it's easy to get discouraged, but you're doing it! And you're doing great. Do you remember in a previous post when I spoke about not looking at the time aspect of when you will begin to feel better? I would always keep saying to myself...damn, it's the 90 day mark and I'm still going through a lot of this. What helped me was accepting that it may take a good chunk of time for my brain to heal itself and begin to really have some good days. After all, 10yrs on this type of medication + all the opioid abuse is a long time and we have to expect it to take a while for the repairs to take place. Opioids and opioid type medications attach to receptors in the brain. These drugs like Methadone/opioids can activate receptors because their chemical structure mimics that of a natural neurotransmitter. This fools receptors and allows these types of drugs to lock onto and activate the nerve cells. Then you have the fact that it also targets the brain's reward system by flooding the circuit with dopamine. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter present in parts of the brain that regulate things such as emotion, motivation, and feelings of pleasure. The overstimulation of these neurotransmitters is what blocks pain and produces those euphoric feelings that makes us chase that "high" we love so much, which in turn, keeps us on that merry go round. And methadone has a long half life (well over 20hrs) and has a high affinity to attach to the opioid (mu receptors) in comparison to normal opioids.

The point to remember is that we..none of us has got to this point overnight. Our brains have been altered and for many of us, this has occurred over many, many years. Our brains literarily forget how to regulate the most basic things to be able to function. It takes time to reverse what we've done to ourselves.

You know something though Dave? I have often thought that if I had just toughed it out and went through the opioid wd instead of ever going on Methadone and then Sub, I'd have been so much better off. But know what? If I had just gone through the less lengthy and hellish opioid wd...I may have gone back to them, and to that life repeatedly. It took going through this past year of pure hell for me to 100% know that I never want to deal with this again. I will never go back to that life out of fear of having to relive this nightmare. Yes, I am so much better, but it's not over and I'm still going through the tail end of it. Read my post in the middle of the front page from just 3 months ago...I was so, so fed up at that point and was worried it would actually never pass. But at around the 10 month mark things really began to change. There are times when I actually feel better...more excited for daily life than I ever did on opioids. It's like a natural high and that's a feeling that I have forgotten for over a decade.

It just takes time, Dave. But I promise you, it does get better, little by little and be prepared for when the turning point happens. I can tell you one thing though...I am not the same person now then I was on Methadone/Suboxone. I didn't realize how hollow and numb I actually was for the past 10 yrs. It feels strange...sobering having such empathy for people and a new appreciation for things in life. I just feel different. Not numb anymore.

A better life...a life you deserve is waiting for you on the other side of this final trial. You will come out on top to a more happier and better life. I'm rooting for you. You can do this!

Posted by: Lvg June 17, 2017, 6:00 AM
Couldn't have said it better, I also found that sugar, caffeine triggers those receptors for the first 7 months. Stay the course.

Posted by: JunkyDave June 17, 2017, 11:04 AM
Day17
10:00am
Feels like I'm caught in a rip tide of sorts. Every time I get close to the shore I get sucked back out. I'm as sick today as I was last Saturday. I had just a taste of feeling better for a couple days and then I'm sucked right back into the deep.

This is a grinding type battle. I was secretly hoping for a mid-round TKO but looks like this is going into the latter rounds. I'm weakened but so is the beast. I gotta just keep grinding away.

Posted by: Lvg June 17, 2017, 3:19 PM
It took me 21 days little by little, just know it comes and goes in waves... Take it 5 min at a time, 15 than hour til you are just going about your day and realize hey I feel pretty good. Keep the gloves up Dave...

Posted by: JunkyDave June 18, 2017, 8:12 AM
Day18
6:48am.
Slept 5 hrs. No night sweats. I've developed a high pitch ringing in my ears. It sounds like an old electronic device trying to warm up.😊
I've had a mild, annoying headache for a few days now. Aspirin keeps it in check but it never completely subsides.
I made myself get out of the house yesterday. As per usual it helped immensely. Gotta try to get the sun on my face and wind at my back every day. It simply helps. Perhaps exercise and movement is  the C.P.R. equivalent for these apathetic Mu-receptors. I'm just glad it works, just gotta remember to work it

Posted by: lolleedee June 18, 2017, 10:34 AM
@Junkydave....just wanted to mention that the high pitched ringing in the ears is one of the first signs of aspirin toxicity. It doesn't take that much aspirin to be over the safe threshold!

I had this happen to me and it took about three days of no aspirin for my hearing to return to normal! Just thought I would mention it!

Posted by: JunkyDave June 18, 2017, 9:33 PM
8:27pm.
Well I've been sickly all day but guess what?
I still managed to have a decent day. Went to walmart. Took an hour drive into the city. Played my guitar and tried to learn a new song (Stay-Sugarland )
I guess I just did normal stuff but it felt good anyways. I was still sick but nevertheless, Today was a pretty good day.

Posted by: itspossible June 18, 2017, 10:39 PM
nice job dave, you the man !

I had the buzzing and also zaps in my head , arms, and legs, like an electric shock zap..it went away after a few weeks, I cant recall exactly when but it wasn't long..Just part of the healing process, nothing that should concern you..

note = I VASTLEY underestimated vitamins..I didn't realize that they were helping until I stopped taking them..Ensure plus is a fav of mine, boost is also good..

Posted by: JunkyDave June 19, 2017, 9:52 AM
Day19
8:21am
Slept 7 glorious hours last night. No interruptions. No Sweating. No drama.
I awoke with my mind being amazingly clear. Each thought dropped into my stream-of-consciousness like Pebbles on a pond and I surfed  effortlessly between this Ripple and that. Even when thoughts converged and mild chaos ensued , my transitions were smooth and deftly executed.
If I can recapture the full force of my creative Powers I can continue to fight on. I can shoulder this physical sickness. I can finish this journey. I am feeling completely unafraid..

Posted by: NeedHelp123 June 19, 2017, 1:03 PM
Good to hear that things are beginning to get better. Good for you, Dave. Proud of you!

Posted by: JunkyDave June 20, 2017, 6:55 AM
Day20
5:45am.
Given how unpredictable this withdrawal process has been I'm reluctant to speculate on my progress BUT I am feeling better. Still sickly. Still sneezing. Still affected but definitely feeling better.
I have a busy day today so here's hoping my energy levels don't pull a crash and burn. I am so, so, excited to be even the slightest bit better. Today's gonna be a great day.

Posted by: JunkyDave June 20, 2017, 8:07 PM
Oh my what a day...
Turns out that after I settled my case 20 days ago, pleading to two misdemeanors, the State assumed that they now owned my seized cell phone. I had to file a motion and appear before the court to plead my case.
Their argument was that it was standard policy in a felony drug/gun case to seize the "perps" phone...
My argument was that by agreeing to reduce the charges to misdemeanors the state had exempted me from said policy.

Their new argument was that "Drug dealers" shouldn't get their phones back as they often use the phones for nefarious purposes.
My rebuttal was that I knew of no case law substantiating such seizures against misdemeanor offenders. Did they seize phones from jaywalkers?, or folks  Driving without a license? 
Both are misdemeanors yet zero phones are seized...
In the end, after nearly  half a day, I obtained a court order for the release of my cell phone.
Might seem petty but many  important, Seminole moments of my life are on that old Samsung S4. Newborns coming home. Teaching the grandsons to fish, Monster truck rallys, birthdays, holidays, just so, so much and I'm determined  to reclaim every fragment of  my life that is reclaimable.
All in all,
The worst thing about today and being in court was feeling so  sickly and vulnerable. The best thing was proving otherwise..

Posted by: itspossible June 20, 2017, 9:11 PM
I'm going to start calling you big daddy dave because you are killing it..
that's 3 weeks for you that you will never have to go through again brother, I'm waiting for you on the other side..

Posted by: JunkyDave June 20, 2017, 10:09 PM
@itspossible
I must admit that I felt slightly "Mack-ish" after achieving my stated goal and strutting out of court, papers in hand. It wasn't until I reached the parking garage, with its darkened anonymity, that I slumped exhaustively into my truck. But I now know that I can go A hard 6hrs in a very stressful situation and not buckle.
I'm looking forward to getting better and re-experiencing the other side and you can bet the farm I'll catch up with you there...

Posted by: JunkyDave June 21, 2017, 9:25 AM
Day 21.
8:10 a.m.
Even though I'm still sneezing, experiencing mild nausea, low on energy, and having some sleep difficulties- I have definitely turned a corner and feel much better than even a week ago. I am absolutely positive that the increase in activity has help shorten the overall duration and intensity of my withdrawals.
Don't get me wrong, I don't expect that I will only have good days from here on out. It's not how it's worked so far and it's probably not how it will play out in the future. I'm simply grateful for the few good days I've had in a row and that my sense of hope has been buttressed with the notion that I can recover.

Posted by: itspossible June 21, 2017, 11:00 PM
just checking in on you super dave..round 8 coming up,gotta answer the bell..alot of lurkers are reading and watching your progress, you are inspiring them I'm sure..hope you have a good night..

Posted by: JunkyDave June 22, 2017, 12:07 AM
Day 21
11:03pm.
Low energy type day.
For some strange reason my appetite just up and left today? Up until 7pm all I'd eaten was 15 or so saltine crackers. My wife wanted a pot pie so I cooked us both one. It would be funny, if it weren't so alarming, just how many aspects of one's physical self are affected by withdrawal from these long acting opioids.
 Methadone acts like an angry Ex who refuses to accept the breakup and shows up occasionally, strictly out of meanness, just to tear stuff up.  Geez- Move on. It's over..

On a bit of an unpleasant side note, my urine now smells like freshly cooked asparagus, a weed I have never even  eaten once.
How bizarre...

Posted by: NeedHelp123 June 22, 2017, 2:08 AM
You are now past the 3 week mark, Dave! You didn't give in. You didn't show weakness to the beast. You keep fighting in the face of adversity. You should be very proud of yourself...I sure know I am. And just think how strong you'll be once this fight is finally behind you. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy and this is one of the most important and worthwhile things you will end up doing. Real happiness is within reach. The shame and emotional numbness that often binds you to this type of medication will be in your rear view mirror. Just keep remembering that. It will not be an easy road, but I can tell you it's 100% worth it and the best decision you will have ever made. Have a great night, man.

Posted by: JunkyDave June 22, 2017, 10:47 AM
Day 22
9:10am
I started researching the best route for this journey about two years ago and I had trouble finding a lot of material pertaining to the second, third and fourth week of methadone withdrawals.
I ran into a lot of stories that took me through the 5-day Mark, the 7-Day mark , the 10-day mark Etc, and then the author seemed to drop off Into Obscurity. It was certainly not a confidence Builder so I decided then when I made the journey I would diligently attempt to document my experience in an unfiltered and honest way. I'm at 22 days clean from Methadone today and In all honesty I am still sick , easy to exhaust , and a bit frail but I am undeniably making progress. The progress is just slow. Painfully slow at some points , but undeniably evident  in the larger scope . I guess it's true that a watched pot never boils.. Because every time I tried to assess my recovery moment-to-moment , I would get thrown a curveball. It wasn't until I stopped watching so closely and allowed a few days to pass that I could take note of tangible results.
If I could go back and change anything about my initial approach it would have been to place far more emphasis on patience. This is a long, steep, climb home.


Posted by: NyToFlorida June 22, 2017, 12:01 PM
Hi Dave - just wondering, are you keeping a note booK? If you are keeping a notebook, on each Monday, write a list of current symptoms. On the next Monday, look at the previous monday's list and write a new list of sx that are gone, sx that are still here, sx that are new. I am kind of a list and chart person.... it's just fun... to chart and see the pattern of illness and healing....

you are doing great. Definitely better than the alternative! (a person can spend the rest of their life getting better or can spend the rest of their life getting worse)

I look forward to reading your posts... I like your writing style.... have you thought of stand up comedy...... at meetings.... HAHA LOL..... I wonder how well that would go over....

Thank you for sharing your journey!

Posted by: Lvg June 22, 2017, 4:08 PM
Dave, your doing awesome. It took me a good 30 days of physical withdrawals, than the Mental journey begins. The Mental journey is formidable. But I'm here almost 8 months clean and I feel wonderful. Stay Strong I promise you this will pass.

Posted by: JunkyDave June 22, 2017, 7:14 PM
@Lvg
Thank you for all your input. It has helped immensely to know that others have successfully crossed this great divide. I will keep fighting, rest assured of that.

Posted by: JunkyDave June 22, 2017, 7:31 PM
@NyToFlorida
Thank you for taking interest in my journey. This series of posts is the first time in my life I've ever kept anything close to a journal. I've since discovered that there is a certain cathartic release that occurs when one is forced to properly frame ones thoughts, fears and desires. I've found it most benificial.

As far as humor goes, I have to wryly laugh at some of these events or I'd probably cry.. it's been so completely unpredictable that at times I've felt vaguely overwhelmed.
But better to laugh than offer more tears to the beast...

Posted by: itspossible June 22, 2017, 9:59 PM
you are doing your thang dave, keep on rocking brother.. as time passes you will have higher highs and HIGHER LOWS,if that makes sense..also ,slow progress, like watching grass grow slow..There wasn't a day where I said "wow, its over" it just gradually happens over time..Your through the hardest part where most fail,congradulations!!
have a good evening..

Posted by: JunkyDave June 23, 2017, 12:45 PM
Day23
10:41am.
It's Friday and I feel fairly decent. I'm going to pick up my grandsons in a bit and keep them over the weekend. Last time they were here,two weeks ago, I was in bed mostly and I felt bad about that. This time I'm planning on taking them down to the creek and doing some exploring. The Streams are pure and clean and the waterlife is abundant. There are large swathes of the creek where it is no deeper than 8 to 10 inches and perfect for little legs to Splash and play.

As an added benefit, I can get some much-needed sunlight on a body that has mostly reclused for 10 years or better.

I find myself  sad when considering the past and enthused when considering the future. Seems like an easy choice but my past mistakes- left so horribly unresolved,  keep popping up and I'm a firm believer that when the past can reach out, at will, and touch the present, the future is always within regrets  reach.
I'll have to finish this battle with withdrawal first before engaging in the shadowy world of past regrets. Just more monsters in the background  I suppose..

 

Posted by: Lvg June 23, 2017, 1:44 PM
Proud of you Dave, Live for Today. The past is just that the future is not promised... Enjoy what you have in front of you.. Keep the brain and body active, helps all those receptors we numbed for years heal.. Your starting to really feel now all the emotions flooding in roll with it. As time goes on it will all be just normal. I can now promise you that.. Just remember to tell yourself I will not use today no matter what....

Posted by: marykat80 June 23, 2017, 3:58 PM
Keep documenting Dave...it's good to look back on later as time goes by. You made me laugh with the "methadone acts as an angry ex......." statement. How true!! But you are doing what a lot of people fear and don't. Good s***!!

Posted by: lizzy2405 June 23, 2017, 4:31 PM
Dave,
I just thought you should know that you are inspiration to others going through the same symptoms or even thinking about taking the leap to detoxing. I think you are doing wonderful and reading your posts gives others hope. It is so important that people know they are not alone. I hope you know you are worth it!!! and everything you are going through is worth it!! keep your head up, stay strong but go easy on yourself, what you are going through is not easy in any way!!! Bless you

Posted by: JunkyDave June 24, 2017, 9:53 AM
Day24
8:05am.
An old friend took her life last night. She was intelligent and extremely  accomplished. Her life was the picture of successful normality to those who offered but a cursory glace. But to a few, myself included, she was a fellow solider on addictions battlefield. Opiates and benzos were her adversaries and she always fought valiantly.

Sadly I haven't had contact with her in quite some time and she was unaware of my current journey. Perhaps it could have given her some degree of hope? I think she just got tired of being repeatedly beat up by this disease called addiction.
She detested the grip it exercised on her life. The fact she chose a bullet over a baggie speaks volumes of her disdain..
I will carry onward on my journey  And when the day arrives that I finally beat this Goddamn monster down, I'll  plant a flag for us both..

RIP Jenn.
You will be sorely missed.

Posted by: NyToFlorida June 24, 2017, 10:01 AM
Dave, sooo sorry to hear of your friend's passing. Life just does not stop giving us sad news...... yet we must go on and continue our journey.

Posted by: JunkyDave June 24, 2017, 7:46 PM
Day24
6:30pm.
Nothing about this day went as I'd planned. We went down to the clear watered creek as I'd planned but I was sick...
I participated when I could but mostly I just sat there as the sun beat down on me like an angry Pimp..

After 2hrs I was exhausted and barely made it back to the truck. Funny enough my intestinal distress has somehow made a return visit. I'm on the same dose of lotramin that I've taken since day 3, so it really makes little sense.

I learned long ago that in withdrawal,  when the lower gut is troubled, the stomach nausea increases. It's like living in a duplex, can't have a party on one side without the other side getting all bent out of shape..

I hope that tomorrow brings one of those great days where I almost, kinda feel, sort of normal.
Fingers crossed..

Posted by: Lvg June 24, 2017, 8:13 PM
Hang in there Dave, I've been there everyone kept telling me This to Shall Pass. I wanted to rip there eyes out.. but walking through hell and out the other side I promise this will pass.. I know the lack of motivation is Mentally tough but tell yourself you are stronger than that little pill... Your doing awesome for me walking to the mailbox was like a 5k ughh.. try to focus on anything but the time, forget how horrific you feel, this is all part of the healing process, your grieving the drugs, your body is trying to heal and repair itself. Remember we didn't get this way in one day... You got this... You are inspiring us all Dave...be well..

Posted by: JunkyDave June 25, 2017, 11:10 AM
Day25
9:52am.
Pushing hard for that One month clean milestone. I did some quick math and it seems the last time I had 30 days "completely" clean was 17 yrs ago.
Im Still feeling rough and semi-exhausted. I also have that weird flushing in my face that has always signaled withdrawal for me. The flushing was Completely gone 4 days ago but now, of course,  it is back..

I strongly suspect that the physical part of this is coming to an end. A few more symptom cycles perhaps? This series of side effects doesn't seem to possess the same authority that earlier waves did. They're  still there but far less formidable.
Well, the 4 yr. Old is all over me for attention so I'll have to cut this short. In short I'm still hanging in there and reaching for my goals.
Bests..

Posted by: JunkyDave June 25, 2017, 5:54 PM
WOW
1,600 views.
Didn't think anyone would care that much about my journey. This post was really for posterity's sake. I thought that as the years past bye perhaps someone in need would discover it and possibly draw strength from my experiences. Thank you to all who've been checking in and keeping up.

Posted by: Lvg June 25, 2017, 7:46 PM
Thanks for sharing Dave...

Posted by: JunkyDave June 26, 2017, 11:18 AM
Day26
9:30am.
{Lesa writes}
***Wait for your first belly laugh Dave.. Have you noticed the sunsets yet? The birds singing? How good food taste and smells.. The Blue of the sky our how soft brown looks? How tears come to your eyes when you see something sad or  Beautiful? If you have not you will! These are what we block out with the drugs This and our Emotions.. Our Emotions are who make us Us.. Our loved ones miss us. They do not realize How much till we get clean. When We come back to them from the soul sucking Opiates They realize how much of us were gone. So do we. I'm also looking forward to that 30 days with you Dave! Hope today is a Good day for you.. warmly, lesa***


YES,YES,YES...
I want to laugh and cry and dream...I want to march into the future, shoulders back, head held high.  I want to re-experience love without secrets muffling its resonance.
 I want to marvel at life's nuanced complexities in all their magnificence. I want to greet the unknowable with unbridled curiosity instead of skepticism and fear. I want to pet Schrödinger's Cat while rolling Einstein's dice,
Oh the madness of it..
  In short, I Want To Be Me and I Want To Live Again..

My body may still miss  the soul-sucking opiates but my mind, soul, and spirit have parted ways with the beast. I must move onward and upwards.

 I think today's going to be a great day...

Posted by: Lvg June 26, 2017, 1:28 PM
I'm tearing up reading this post.

Posted by: JunkyDave June 27, 2017, 8:39 AM
Day27
7:25am.

I had a fairly decent day yesterday and I'm expecting today to be the same. My biggest problem is that I tire very quickly. Seems I've got about a two hour gas tank. When my energy level gets depleted it takes several hours to recharges.
On the flip side, I'm not hibernating in the bedroom with dual heating pads strapped to my ankles as I  shiver and sweat. So I'll take the tradeoff.
Today I'll be grateful for my progress, however incremental. All Progress had been stalled and now we're moving forward again. Very grateful for that...

Posted by: NeedHelp123 June 27, 2017, 10:13 AM
It sounds like you've made it through the acute withdrawal, Dave! This is something you should be proud of....a great achievement. Very proud of you!

Posted by: JunkyDave June 28, 2017, 9:47 AM
Day28
8:00am.

Well yesterday went great until about 4pm. That's when, for no apparent reason my nose opened up like faucet. Then I started sneezing. Then came a sinus headache centered behind my right eye. By 6pm I was down for the count. I took aspirin and tried to wait it out. By 9pm, as quickly as it had appeared, all symptoms departed. It's very interesting how the withdrawal symptoms can self-resuscitate. Pretty powerful trick to possess..

Today is the funeral of my friend. I'm nervous about the crowd I'll encounter. Let's just say it's bound to be very Diverse. I just have to stay strong and hope my energy doesn't crash again.
I am currently sleeping about 5hrs. per night now. I used to sleep 6.5 to 7 before the opiates. But even with the reduction , I do not  feel unrested. I've also noticed some manic-ness lately. Especially in an intellectual sense. I'm either not thinking of much at all or I'm deeply immersed in exploring the latest rabbit hole I've discovered. Seems I'm stuck in either 1st or 5th gear..
Where's the rest? 
I'll have to have faith that my brain is rediscovering it's balance and this is just part of the process.
It's still hard to fathom that at 28 days in, I'm still not completely right. Tough pill to swallow but I'll get there. God willing..

Posted by: Lvg June 28, 2017, 5:26 PM
Hello Dave, keep up the good work..it's definitely a crazy ride. The sneezing drove me crazy... headaches, couldn't focus, forgot how to spell at times ughh like my brain was back in first grade..it comes and goes in waves...I had zero energy your doing fantastic.. I was just pitiful.. Sleep well that hasn't returned only get 4-5 hrs, but I'm ok with that... It took me a real long time to feel normal, but I didn't move off my bed or couch. I wish I would have pushed myself.. For me like I said the Mental part was formidable.. keep up the good work so proud of you Dave...

Posted by: JunkyDave June 29, 2017, 7:23 AM
Day29
5:49am.
Yesterday was an unmitigated disaster. I had a small job that I'd been putting off that I decided to take care of.
It consisted of, Spreading powdered insect repellent around house, replacing a security light with a new LED model, And installing a timer plug on a small outdoor water feature.
I drove 30 minutes to the lady's house and began at 12 noon. Everything went splendid until I tackled the security light. I had already been working about two hours at that point and felt fine. The light was mounted on a detached garage so I backed my truck up so I could reach the security light from the bed.
About halfway through the 30 minute job something happened to me. It reminded me of the feeling I had the day my garage door opener messed up (twice)..
Exact same feeling except I wasn't anywhere close to home. I tried to shake it off, power through it but I could not. Waves of COMPLETE exhaustion were relentlessly  battering me.
I had to finish so I started taking 5 minute breaks and working for 2-3 minutes before breaking again. I was so weak when I'd finished that it was hard to even load up my tools.
I then drove to pick up my wife from work and almost an hour later arrived home. We were supposed to shower and change in order to attend the visitation. (I thought it was the funeral but was incorrect)
I went straight to the bedroom and passed out for 4 straight hrs. We did not make the visitation. I simply couldn't do it. I feel horrible about it.
I feel this is a setback. Who can afford to work 2 hrs a day? My body must get with the program and behave in a trustworthy manner.

I'm so disappointed in myself. I cannot believe that I couldn't muster the force needed to honor a friend...

Posted by: Lvg June 29, 2017, 7:45 AM
Hey Dave sorry your not feeling well, but this too shall pass.. I promise you.. don't feel disappointment be Proud, I'm sure your friend would be happy your on recovery road, cause inevitably drug abuse,for the ones that can't make it out of the darkness end up in jail institutions or Death.. Be proud of yourself, I'm sure your family and friends are to...

Posted by: NeedHelp123 June 30, 2017, 10:41 AM
How you feeling, Dave?

Posted by: JunkyDave June 30, 2017, 12:31 PM
Day30
YES!!

Last night I had my first dream in ages. I was in my driveway when I spotted several  young wolves sneaking through the yard. I assumed they were drawn by the treats I had put in my elevated , squirrel proof, bad-a**, bird feeder.
I stood perfectly still as they got closer and closer. I wondered what their reaction would be when they got to the bird feeder and found it well out of reach. I smirked while imagining their utter frustration with such a cleverly constructed device...
BUT, they passed right by it? Wait, what..?
Then at about 5 feet away from me, they crouched and assumed a slower, sneakier approach. They'd spotted something and were in full stalking mode. I scanned the ground in front of me and finally saw what they were after. My beloved Fat Cat Nelly was asleep in the grass, completely oblivious to the danger. I grabbed her right as one of them clamped down on her tail. A maddening  scene ensued with wolves wailing , cat screeching, and me kicking and screaming while pulling a pack of wild wolves into the middle of my driveway.
Then I awoke. Cat on my chest . All was well.

I don't want to put too much emphasis on a random dream but there is one thing that strikes me as analogous:

It is a huge mistake to assume you understand the trajectory of a dangerous and formidable foe.

 Entering into this withdrawal process, after a couple of years of online research, I was pretty sure I understood how it was going to go.
I  could not have been more mistaken. I let a false sense of familiarity become an advisor and several times nearly cost me dearly. 
 There have been many times when I've let the wolves come far too close and ended up flailing about in the proverbial driveway, desperately trying to regain ground I should never have lost in the first place. Cockiness serves no man well. Not in recovery nor in life as a whole..

If I had to sum up what I've learned in the last 30 days of methadone withdrawal it would be this:

This process is predictably unpredictable. It will present you with a steady, rhythmatic Cadence just long enough to lull you to sleep before shifting into a wildly frenetic and exhausting pace. Then it repeats, with slightly less intensity, over and over..


There's no real way to outsmart the withdrawal process. There are no Magic charts to plot, graphs to draw or algorithms to analyze. Methadone withdrawal is immune to mental gamesmanship and the craftiest of plans will soon lay shattered at the feet of this formidable foe .
It is an intensely individual Journey, best suited for those who are sick and tired of being sick and tired. You'll just have to jump in to fully experience it.

Remember this advice though, The journey has no sidecar for hubris and it's weightiness will surely slow you down. Pack your pride at your own peril and see you on the other side.

Posted by: JunkyDave June 30, 2017, 12:45 PM
@NeedHelp
I am well. Slightly sickly but better every couple days...

Posted by: Lvg June 30, 2017, 1:12 PM
Dave you rock, awesome outlook on it all. This Diease is awful always be mindful, never be complacent... again Proud of how far you have come..

Posted by: NyToFlorida June 30, 2017, 3:29 PM
interesting... cool analogy. I like the fact you had such a vivid dream about wolves and the way you describe how you thought they would look for the treats but they went for the cat. evasive, cunning. I could definitely put a wolf's face on addiction. I can look at my loved one and see the wolf behind the sheep's clothing and know the wolf is not him it is the face of addiction.


(a co-worker had a cat dream this week. also some kind of danger and woke w cat on chest)

Posted by: NeedHelp123 June 30, 2017, 6:03 PM
So glad to hear you're beginning to feel better and continue to persevere. You're doing it! 30 days is big! Proud of you, man.

Posted by: JunkyDave June 30, 2017, 6:13 PM
A big thanks to everyone who's offered advice and support. I'm getting my 30 day chip tonight. I can't remember the last time I had 30 days completely clean. I'm very happy to be here and I don't think I could have done this without my wife and some very special online friends.

Posted by: Lvg July 1, 2017, 7:47 AM
Congratulations Dave...

Posted by: itspossible July 1, 2017, 8:26 AM
congrats on your 30 days..very few make that many days..your in elite company..
I used to like the sex dreams, wish they would come back..'

you keep answering the bell, that's what it takes to make it, you the man..

I had a couple of quotes that inspired me throughout,

"when death comes calling, let it find you climbing a mountain, not sliding down one"


"there are people in hospitals everywhere this very second on there knees begging for what you have,,LIFE"

hope everybody has a great holiday weekend!!

Posted by: JunkyDave July 1, 2017, 11:39 AM
Day31
10:30am.
A bad sinus headache has got me down.
Other than that I am ok. Got my 30 day chip in my front pocket for added strength.
It's red... I had forgotten the color scheme. It's been a long, long, time.
I'm keeping my post short today. It hurts my head to stare into my phone.
Hope your weekends are wonderful.
-Dave

Posted by: Lvg July 1, 2017, 7:46 PM
Awesome Dave, different fellowship but keep coming back it works If you work it.... methadone is a beast and your slaying it.. keep going strong....

Posted by: JunkyDave July 2, 2017, 12:58 PM
Day32
11;40am.
I'm back to being mildly sick again. Mild flu like symptoms and a crazy enhanced sense of smell. I can literally smell the bleach coming out of my t-shirt drawer.
 BUT, this is nothing compared to a few weeks ago. This is an opponent who is fading. It still stinks to be sickly but solace comes in knowing the worst is probably past.
I have to go out on a small job today. I surely hope I don't fall flat in the energy department. It worries me slightly. I'll have to have faith and work smartly. Wish me luck and enjoy the day..

Posted by: Lvg July 2, 2017, 4:59 PM
Hey Dave, yes it seems to linger on.ughh I remember it well .I just kept telling myself it's like the flu and this too shall pass....

Posted by: Lvg July 2, 2017, 5:00 PM
It passed like a kidney stone...lol

Posted by: JunkyDave July 2, 2017, 6:57 PM
@Lvg

" It passed like a kidney stone "
Great line lol..
Wish I'd thought of it... (:

Posted by: Lvg July 2, 2017, 10:07 PM
Your doing great Dave, not many of us make it back from methadone abuse. It's like 1% make it clean so welcome to the clean team....

Posted by: JunkyDave July 3, 2017, 2:08 PM
Day33
12:30pm.
Came home from dropping my wife at work and started working on our refrigerator. It's dying. How's that for real life stuff. I spent the last five hours working on it and removing a thousand little pieces of cat food that some very ambitious creature decided to store on and around the compressor. Not Cool.
It didn't even dawn on me that I wasn't feeling sick or exhausted. I feel fine, comparatively speaking of course.

It sort of occurred to me this morning that all of the initial benefits I got from going into methadone treatment had to be paid back on the back end. When I signed up at the methadone clinic I had slight money problems, minor depression, and a fear of withdrawal that plagued me day to day. Then when coming off of methadone Ive had major depression, a soul sapping fear of the withdrawal and, 33 days into this withdrawal, having worked very little, I have horrific financial difficulties.

I didn't escape any of the repercussions of opioid abuse by entering the methadone clinic. Seems I just deferred them and as they waited they sinisterly accrued. Then the day finally  arrived when my opioid-overdraft protection expired and I had to pay the piper In full... That was quite the price.

But Hey, I'm almost paid up now. I'm well on my way to putting my house in proper order on a multitude of fronts. I'm happy. I feel better than I did just last week and I remain determined and unafraid.
Life is Good

Posted by: itspossible July 3, 2017, 8:06 PM
nice job dave..I can relate to what your saying to a tee.. what that posion covers up is unreal..And murphy will find you, I'm speaking of murphys law..hes everywhere..Im hoping one day he will get tired of fooling with me and move on..
happy 4th brother!!

Posted by: Mary Liz July 4, 2017, 12:56 PM
Hey Dave - I'm getting ready to come off of methadone after 16 years on the miserable stuff. I've come down from 135 mgs to 50 mgs and I still have a ways to go before I can take Buprenorphine, as I understand you must be at 20 mgs or less to step off MD and onto that. I tried Buprenorphine when it first came out, with the help of an ddiction specialist (an MD). At that time it was injectable IM only and it was truly a wonder drug for me. After about 30 days the doc took me off Buprenorphine and I was clean for a month - then my husband died (not drug related) and I went right back to methadone.

Your story has given me some hope as I really haven't felt strong enough to even try to detox again up until very recently. I have to admit that at $17 per day, a huge part of my motivation is financial. Thank God I have a good job or I'd be in deep trouble. It infuriates me that a consortium of doctors own my clinic, and several others, and are sitting around, fat & happy, getting rich on our pain and misery but I digress. I am really reaching out here to see if anyone has successfully made it off methadone with the help of any of the agonist/anti-agonist drugs like suboxone, buprenorphine, etc. I have health insurance through work so I'm covered to see an addiction specialist.

If anybody can provide advice, guidance - whatever - I sure would appreciate it. No one other than a methadone user gets what a miserable, painful, long withdrawal process it is. It really doesn't compare to any other because it goes on for such a long time. I think what you have done is really great, Dave, but I think I'm going to need a little bit of pharmaceutical help. Thanks for listening and for the inspiration.

Posted by: JunkyDave July 4, 2017, 1:58 PM
Day34
12:50pm.
Happy 4th of July everybody. I'm feeling fairly good today. Fridge is working great and ice cold. Not to sickly today. And I slept 7hrs last night. Lots to be grateful for. I wish every single person a wonderful holiday experience today.
Peace&love,
Dave

Posted by: NeedHelp123 July 4, 2017, 9:32 PM
@JunkyDave

You know, I was just thinking about that a few days ago. I was remembering how afriad I was initially trying to get off opioids and how it was the worst thing I could think of, which led me to Methadone. So, the wd from opioids was too much to deal with, so I end up on something that's 10x worse and drawn out. I was thinking if I had just did this here but 10 years ago with opioids...this past decade would have been so different. But we're doing it! And this is something we can be very thankful for. I'm happy things are getting better for you Dave. Keep it up!


@Mary Liz

I was on Methadone for close to 10 years and, like you, tried Suboxone but I unfortunately had side effects from it so had to stay on Methadone. I tapered and switched back to Sub months prior to jumping last summer and imo, it doesn't help the withdrawal process at all. Methadone is a full agonist and really binds to receptors. Suboxone is a partial agonist, but it's still affecting those receptors, so you will most likely still have the methadone withdrawal. This was the case with me and like you, I thought switching to Sub and then tapering off would make it not as difficult. I was wrong, but thought I would try. It's difficult either way, but if it is something you truly want and are determined to be free from this stuff, you'll do it. It's amazing how much strength I had in me that I never even knew was there. The success rate for being free of this stuff is very low, but there are those who do manage to beat this demon....there are some in this very thread. It will be 1 year for me in 8 days and there are days where I'm still fighting and it may be another 6 months before I'm 100%, but I'm okay with that because I've made it a mission to slay this horrible thing that has plagued me for a very long time. This is just my personal opinion, but I would taper as low as you can go, stabilize at that low dose and then jump. It is possible, and life is so much better when this is in the rear view mirror.

Posted by: itspossible July 5, 2017, 7:07 AM
great advice needhelp.. 8 more days for a year is fantastic!!!..Im just past 11 months , so I'm right behind you, what a ride..

Posted by: JunkyDave July 5, 2017, 1:43 PM
5 weeks clean!!

Very thankful to be feeling a bit better today.
Last night our AC unit got stuck ON. No matter what I did it wouldn't turn off. I had to disconnect the power and reconnect it when we started getting hot. I've got my thinking cap on and I'm trying to fix it. Didn't I just fix a fridge? Man when it rains it pours but with everything I've endured during this awful withdrawal, this is just b-roll stuff. Not stressing it much at all. Life on life's terms.
Got to get back at it now.      -Work mode activated-

Posted by: Lvg July 5, 2017, 2:24 PM
Just awesome Dave. Yup life on life's terms... Keep up the good work, you are awe inspiring.....

Posted by: JunkyDave July 5, 2017, 2:38 PM
@LVG
You are also awesome.
We can do this...
Anyone can do this..
We can and Do recover.
Have a great rest of the day friend.

Posted by: Lvg July 5, 2017, 7:41 PM
Yes Dave we are doing this.. albeit a rough journey living life clean is so worth it.. your worth it. It took me months to get in the rooms being the addict I am thought I could do this alone, I was so wrong...im now 8 months free of those handcuffs and for the first time in 30 + years living clean and really living life.. I finally broke free of the prison I built for myself.. keep it up Dave let's be the percentage that makes it...

Posted by: NyToFlorida July 5, 2017, 8:28 PM
sometimes you cant look at the past. just have to chalk it up to "that wasnt your time" - the body and mind were not ready for it. Now is your time!

Posted by: itspossible July 5, 2017, 8:50 PM
that's exactly right NYToFlorida , we do have today..And I am thankful for today..There were people here yesterday that aren't here today..

Dave, your slaying the dragon my friend..

Posted by: Lvg July 6, 2017, 11:25 AM
Hey Dave, I figured I'd be reading your new adventure on DIY projects today..lol.. Hope today's a good day for you.. Your journey as documented here is powerful Dave, never forget how strong you are.. Proud of You as always Dave....

Posted by: itspossible July 6, 2017, 4:22 PM
dave 's probably putting in a water feature today LVG, hes killing it..

LVG, how are you feeling?

Posted by: JunkyDave July 6, 2017, 7:05 PM
Day36.
5:50pm.

All is well. I have finally come off the lotramin. I am officially taking no meds, over the counter or under..
Had a small relapse with the symptoms today. But at this point it is not acute whatsoever. Thunder in the distance from a storm well passed..
I am still fooling around with AC options and have been making calls and doing research. It's simply to hot to tough it out when one has a wife..
Unhappy wife/Unhappy life.

On a semi related note,
My libido has somehow resuscitated itself from its long hibernation. I had come to believe that the decreased drive was normal and a part of pushing 50.  Yet another misnomer  I was lulled into accepting as factual. Sneaky stuff that methadone.
Anyways, lots to do. Appreciate the camaraderie.
Stay strong, Dave

Posted by: Lvg July 6, 2017, 10:15 PM
Oh Dave, did I forget to mention all those feelings emotions are flooding in, yes sex get those feel good receptors going lol. Yes happy wife, as she is by your side now...

Posted by: Lvg July 6, 2017, 10:16 PM
Yeah I came out of my drug induced fog with Menopause Ha...

Posted by: Lvg July 6, 2017, 11:27 PM
Hello it's possible, I see your at 11 months Congratulations.. I'm alittle over 8 months.. Wow what a journey for me... Unlike Dave who is killing it, it amazes me how everyone is so different...if you read my horrific traumatic novel it would scare you,scares me reading it back. I still can't believe I walked through hell and out the other side.. For today I'm doing fantastic. I no longer feel Mentally and physically and emotionally broken.. it has taken many many months of hard work but so worth it all. For all reading you can do this if you really want to be clean..

Posted by: itspossible July 7, 2017, 7:05 AM
@lvg , what a ride huh? everybody is different for sure, to many varibles..There is no book on coming off this stuff, just uncharted waters..I had areas with minor issues compared to other people and other areas where my issues were x10 of most folks.. Needhelp123 is coming up on a year here in a few days I think, we all are riding the wave..
hope everybody has a good day today.

Posted by: JunkyDave July 7, 2017, 3:19 PM
Day37
2:00pm

Note to self,
Apparently if you wish to unleash the nasal drainage dogs of hell, all you have to do is utter the ancient  magical passphrase,
" Thunder in the distance from a storm well passed.."

My nose wont quit draining. I have had to stick folded pieces of kleenex in my nostrils in order to stop this messy situation. Additionally,  the Shotgun-sneezes have returned, loudly announcing their arrival by blowing desperately needed wads of tissue across the room.
Just Lovely, Absolutely  lovely...

Never fear though, I will persevere. I just need to show some refrain before declaring the beast in retreat.

But...
It could always be worse and I'll be grateful that it isnt..
Staying Grateful, Dave




Posted by: JunkyDave July 8, 2017, 7:14 PM
Day38
6:00pm.
Well, I'm back sick again. I'd swear it was a virus except for the tell-tale Rapid-fire sneezing. Had to take cold meds and baby aspirin all day today and basically just laid in bed... also I'm back on the lotramin.
Really didn't see this coming and it literally came out of nowhere. Completely blindsided me and the wife. Didn't even get the grandkids this weekend.

 I had so many good days that it's a bit hard to accept that this still isn't over. I'd put this sickness at a 3/10. Not to serious but when you've been drug through the mud for 5 weeks it leaves your system fatigued.
Gonna go lie on the couch and try to recover.
        Peace,
                 Dave

Posted by: Lvg July 8, 2017, 7:33 PM
Hey Dave, I have been there, I didn't want to hear this while going through wds sick, but here I go I promise you this will pass, like I said a kidney stone... I know it's awful but when you come out the other side you will never forget this journey.. It takes a long time for our bodies to repair itself. Where you are now is all normal, the mistake I made was not only was I doing it all alone but I isolated myself stayed in bed in my dark cave for months. Try and push yourself,push your mind begin positive forward action..take a walk just get up and get moving.. it's a slow process, like your grieving..don't let it beat you down..you are stronger than that little pill.. you will have bad days like you hit a brick wall feel like your wearing a lead suit..feel like you have the flu times 10.than you'll have good days and eventually you will be going about your day and realize your going about life.. this is when that little devil is whispering in your ear well maybe just one I will feel better. Tell yourself I will not use no matter what...you can do this my friend...

Posted by: itspossible July 8, 2017, 8:48 PM
I have also been there dave..I know exactly how you feel..So frustrating that's its unreal..The fog slowly lifts..
I also isolated myself and became a recluse..when I had to go out i wished like hell I didn't see anybody i knew because I just didn't want to even have to speak..In hindsight that was a huge mistake..lvg gives good advice and ill second the fact that the more you are able to do the more you will feel like doing,albeit, slow..Its a positive feedback loop..
I still have good and bad days, but the good days are better and the bad days are better..The old saying, higher highs and higher lows...And any bad day i have now is a hell of a lot better than a day chasing my fix and scrambling for cash and meeting god knows who in shady areas, those were the real bad days looking back..
I hope you are better tomorrow dave..

Posted by: itspossible July 8, 2017, 8:58 PM
I had to chime back in,

Music was a big help for me and I began to listen to all kinds of music..I think theres a country and western song that sums it up perfectly .. its by tim McGraw and its called
" better than I used to be" i have a playlist that i listen to every now and then and its on it

Posted by: Lvg July 8, 2017, 10:43 PM
me to chime back in See Dave we do recover!!! You Got this Buddy....

Posted by: NeedHelp123 July 8, 2017, 11:00 PM
Lvg and itspossible are spot on. It does get easier, but it does unfortunately take such a long time. Imo, this is why so many give up. But like many in this very thread, you seem to have a very strong determination to rid yourself from that old life of shackles. I still have sneezing episodes (5 in a row just this afternoon) and am experiencing some sleep issues still, but am feeling so much better from 2 months ago and realize it's such a slow healing process. You have to remember, we didn't get here overnight, and what you said before about 1 month for every year you're on this stuff does seem right...from my personal experience at least. And you have to remember, if it was easy process, then there would be so many more success stories.

One thing I wanted to quickly mention. Cold/flu medicine seemed to really aggravate my symptoms. I decided to take some for a cold about 6 months in, and I seemed to sleep better, but when it was over, I had some major issues come back for a few weeks. Also, back in Dec, I got the flu shot and that seemed to set me back to an earlier stage. Everything is so, so sensitive at this stage of withdrawal and the smallest change seems to affect many withdrawal/mental paws symptoms. I've had to cut everything out besides Advil for pain. You have already proven you are very strong willed and have already overcome where majority have already given up. It's a slow process, but you got this! Life is so worth it, and so much better on the other side.







Posted by: JunkyDave July 9, 2017, 11:19 AM
10:00am.

Fortunately I'm felling slightly better this morning, although two days down zapped my energy reserves. In a couple of days it will be 6 weeks since I've taken any methadone. It's been a tricky road to navigate. There's nothing worse than thinking there are no more speed bumps left only to speed up and hit one a 60mph and rattle your old car right off the road..
But it's passing. Slowly but surely. Sneezing has died down. Nose no longer imitating an open faucet. Headache gone..
Just my being extremely low on energy remains,  but I'm still ok and remain resolute.
Onward I go...

Posted by: JunkyDave July 9, 2017, 11:54 AM
And thanks for all the support.
@lvg
@Needhelp123
@it'spossible
Really, thanks so much,
Dave

Posted by: Lvg July 10, 2017, 7:00 AM
Morning Dave, well it's morning in this time zone.. wish I would of thought of the speed bump, I say hitting a brick wall like your analogy better..ok get up get moving today....I know ughhh have a wonderful Day Dave... Stay vigilant...

Posted by: JunkyDave July 10, 2017, 6:48 PM
Day40
5:30pm.

Managed to work about 5 hrs today on my Air conditioner project. I did have a brief moment while out in the Sun where I felt that "Weak in the knees" moment.  This time I respected the feeling and didn't try and Power through it. I Took a little break inside and when I felt better I went back out. Luckily I had inside and outside work that needed done.

So now for the bad news..
Wednesday I must turn myself in for a 72-96 hr stint in jail. All part of the "No felony" deal...
I'm ok with it and am looking forward to getting it over with.
Obviously I will be absent from this thread. As soon as I'm out I'll post and let everyone know I'm alive.
Anyways, I'll post tomorrow at least once more.
I'm feeling optimistic about life..

Posted by: Lvg July 10, 2017, 10:47 PM
Good luck Dave, typed out a post but it vanished.. here I go again..I am so Proud of how strong you are..You got this Buddy... being accountable awesome... I will be here to support you.....

Posted by: Lvg July 11, 2017, 12:16 AM
Hey Need help, I really don't know how to navigate around this forum, I just saw your post to me awhile back. Do you have your own thread on this forum so I don't hijack Dave's thread??

Posted by: NeedHelp123 July 11, 2017, 5:57 PM
@JunkyDave

You're doing well, Dave! You'll be in my thoughts over the next days to come. And just think, once this week is behind you, you'll never have to worry about this again. You are on the path to a stable, healthy and happy life. Just remember how far you've come...please don't lose sight of that over the next couple days. You got this!

@Lvg

I have a new thread at the top marking my 1 year anniversary called (1 year clean), so feel free to use that thread. Hope all is well with you.

Posted by: Lvg July 12, 2017, 8:08 AM
My thoughts are with you Dave...

Posted by: JunkyDave July 12, 2017, 8:26 AM
Day42
7:25am
Six Weeks Today!
Going now to get this over with. I suspect I'll be fine but a few prayers couldn't hurt. I feel decent, which is a plus.
I'll check in when I get back.
Peace, Dave

Posted by: JunkyDave July 13, 2017, 12:45 PM
Ďay43
11:00am.

Well, I went to turn myself in for 4 day as required and the Jail did not have my paperwork. The Sheriff said they couldn't take me unless he had my documents.  So, standing outside the jailhouse, I called my wife who had arrived home, and told her the news. She in turn called an old friend at the courthouse who was able to get the clerk to Fax the documents over with five minutes to spare...
I then called the Sheriff back and was explaining the situation to him when, at that exact moment the new order came in over their system.
He told me that he was going to give me the maximum credit he could due to the fact that I'd  diligently worked hard to try and resolve the matter and take care of my business.
Here is what the Good Sheriff did.

He gave me a days credit for good behavior.

He gave me a days credit for the 4 hours when I was originally arrested.

He gave me a days credit for turning myself in yesterday at 5pm  (although I got there at 2:50)

And he gave me a days credit for 12pm - 8am today.

So I got credit for 4 full days by staying 15 hrs in jail.

AMAZING

God is good and things work out well if you put your all into it. I feel blessed.
When I got home I had an email from my probation officer. She had come in to work and found out about all the paperwork drama and dropped me a line to say she was impressed. She said I'm doing what so very few actually do and to keep up the good work..
Nice to have her on my side when I go back in April to have this incident expunged from my record.

Lastly, I must mention that as I sat in a Giant classification area I literally saw two dozen people, mostly females,  come in opioided out of their minds. The classification area offers little sandwiches to eat since you may stay in that area for awhile  (I sat there 9hrs) Many of the severely stoned nodded out, half eaten sandwiches firmly  in hand..
It was heartbreaking to witness. This is truly an epidemic and those people were more than just junkies, They are mothers and daughters and sisters and fathers. I said a prayer for them all and ended it by stating, "there but for the grace of god go I."
The whole ordeal has left me slightly sick. I was very stressed plus It was extremely hot yesterday and standing in the sun begging to get into jail drained me.
But IT'S OVER NOW.
Onward and upwards.
Thanks for all the support.
Dave.

Posted by: Lvg July 13, 2017, 2:01 PM
You are truly blessed. More will come..that's so awesome Dave..

Posted by: NeedHelp123 July 13, 2017, 11:35 PM
Sounds like quite the ordeal and I can't imagine the amount of stress and courage it took to walk in there at this point in recovery. I understand fully when you talk about feeling for other addicts. Prior to my using, during and all those years on Methadone, I don't recall ever feeling what I feel now...now that I am clean and all that I have been through this past year. I've noticed an empathy for those who are dealing with this disease that often catches me off guard. I don't quite understand why its becoming more prevalent as time goes by. I know addiction is often caused my trauma. This could be drug addiction, to even sex addiction. In many cases to fill a void, often caused by terrible things or perceived feelings that have occurred at a young age, or in the past. I know this was the case with me. Maybe this is why I'm feeling this way more and more...who knows.

Addiction is such a tragic thing, and it's even more tragic that it's actually becoming an epidemic. I really hope that once I have some more time under my belt, I can be of service to those struggling in the midst of addiction. It's a nice thought. I'm glad everything worked out in such a positive way for you, Dave. You definitely have someone watching over you from up above.
What a wonderful thing to hear on this Thursday evening.



Posted by: JunkyDave July 14, 2017, 9:58 PM
Day44.
8:20pm.

Back feeling rough again. Sneezing,  aching,  weak, etc..
I'm positive that stress brought this on. I've got the grandboys up for the weekend and I'm hoping I feel better tomorrow. We wanna do some exploring in the creek. It's good fun, (like I had when I was a boy) AND the cold mountain waters feel good on my tired, old feet..

My creativity seems to have stalled lately. No music, No fancy thoughts, No rabbit holes to delve down into,
Just Blah...

Can't get those girls faces out of my mind from jail.. All of them were rail thin, or "heroin chic" as they used to call it. Some of them, as high as they were, will probably be dead in a year or two. Lots of fake pills and smack here that's really just Chinese  Fentanyl.  Kills folks on the spot. Emt's say that even multiple doses of Narcon aren't reviving them. Something has got to be done at both ends of the supply/demand chain. It's just a mess and people that young shouldn't have a life expectancy that short.

I'm calling it a night. Another day completely clean and sober is another day to be grateful.


Posted by: Lvg July 14, 2017, 10:32 PM
Keep up the good work Dave..

Posted by: NeedHelp123 July 14, 2017, 11:06 PM
Hope you're feeling better in the morning, Dave. I found stressful situations to be a real trigger for setting me back. I remember coming back from our getaway last week and just being back in the city, after having such a romantic and relaxing time had me feeling paws symptoms, which lasted the whole day.

Keep at it, Dave! It passes. You got this!

Posted by: JunkyDave July 14, 2017, 11:11 PM
Thx guys...

Posted by: Lvg July 15, 2017, 3:13 PM
How we doing today Dave....

Posted by: JunkyDave July 15, 2017, 5:10 PM
@Lvg,
I am sick but still just as determined. How are you doing on this 366th day?

Posted by: Lvg July 15, 2017, 5:48 PM
That's NeedHelp, I'm at 2,066 hours. Ha.. Ride that rollercoaster Dave...this too shall pass..

Posted by: NeedHelp123 July 15, 2017, 9:37 PM
Hope you're feeling a bit better tonight, Dave. I'll say a prayer for you.

Keep fighting head on.

Posted by: Lvg July 16, 2017, 9:15 AM
Morning Dave, I hope your on a uphill swing today, I Know it's a rough journey, I've been there everything you are feeling is all part of the process, it does get better, slowly.. just hang in there, Life clean is awesome. Keep up the good work Dave I'm Proud of You....be well my friend....

Posted by: itspossible July 16, 2017, 10:47 AM
hows it going dave? hope you have a good day today..just checking in on you..

hows it going lvg?


Posted by: JunkyDave July 16, 2017, 11:11 AM
Day46
10:00am.

I was sick all day yesterday. Sneezing,  upset stomach,  headache, The whole shebang. As I've said recently , it is not of the acute nature anymore  but more of an  assault of attrition. I'm feeling worn from the constant physical un-wellness and little bumps in the seem particularly jarring.
I hope I feel back to my old chipper self soon.
Peace and love,
Dave.

Posted by: JunkyDave July 16, 2017, 11:22 AM
I'm still hanging in there guys. My ace in the hole is that I've desired liberation from active addiction for many years, So I'm pleased to be totally clean and sober. Still got that Chip in my front pocket too. Thanks for taking time to check on me. Very Cool...

Posted by: Lvg July 16, 2017, 12:11 PM
Here to support you Dave...
It's possible I'm doing pretty good, life is good, I'm grateful for another day clean..it works if you work it... I will not use no matter what.. Living Life on life's terms...how are you doing today??

Posted by: itspossible July 16, 2017, 12:29 PM
@lvg I'm doing good..I still have minor issues that I'm dealing with, nothing major however..thank you for asking..

Posted by: Lvg July 16, 2017, 2:15 PM
It's possible, This too shall Pass...

Posted by: Lvg July 17, 2017, 8:58 AM
Hey Dave, Just for Today grateful to be clean... Stay Strong for Today..

Posted by: NeedHelp123 July 17, 2017, 9:27 PM
Dave, how are you holding up today? I'm sure the mental aspect of this process is beginning, but remember what I said...I've been right where you are. Feeling all of it. You're not alone. I can remember feeling so beaten down and emotionally drained and thought to myself "how long do I have to feel this way?" but there is strength deep within that can, and will overcome this. It's a long fight, yes, but you're stronger than this disease. I believe in you, and again, have been right there...feeling all those new emotions and negative feelings about the way I've lived my life. The regrets are what hit me hard. It's just a part of the healing process.

It does pass, my friend. Trust me..it does. Don't you give up! You're not going through this alone. I'm here with you. Keep your chin up, Dave. Life is waiting for you once you've overcome this incredibly difficult fight. Once you do this, you can overcome anything! I'll say a prayer for you tonight. You got this!

Posted by: JunkyDave July 17, 2017, 9:57 PM
Day47
8:10pm.

There is a pretty good chance I may have picked up a virus or such during my stay at the grey bar motel..
I have been sick for a few days now and although it certainly hasn't helped my W/D symptoms, I don't think what I'm experiencing is altogether withdrawal.

Been trying to educate myself on the various receptor sites that the opioid  agonists affect. I find it bizarrely fascinating that methadone can put up this much of a fight. It indicates to me that the drug has left behind much  carnage as it departed. If anyone knows of any good articles or videos on full agonist opioids,  please share.

Other than feeling rough, I am ok. Trudging ahead, foot over foot. A journey of a thousand miles- type philosophy I suppose. I'll get there. I can feel it. It's just a heck of a lot slower than I'd expected. So much for those random "I quit methadone and was all better in 6 days" Posts that I see every so often huh...
God bless em' but I'm starting to not believe them.
The other thing that gets me is all the Methadone is the "Gold Standard" posts..
I believe it has its place but Methadone is the gold standard to the addict popping pain pills in the same way Moonshine is the gold standard to the alcoholic tossing back budweiser's.
Im beginning to think methadone should be used only in worst case addictions. Ultimately, considering all factors, the remedy(m.m.t.) almost seems worse than the ailment. Thats just my opinion mind you and subject to change without notice. 
At any rate, enough out of me.
Grateful for another day clean and sober...

Posted by: JunkyDave July 17, 2017, 10:04 PM
Thx needhelp. Your right. I'm worn but still just as determined. My mistake was in thinking this was a 12 round fight. When actually it's an old style, 1920's era, fight til someone drops, type battle. Silly me..

Posted by: Lvg July 17, 2017, 10:09 PM
I agree with everything said above. Dave it's a fight for your Life.... You are so worth it.. Stay Strong My Friend....

Posted by: JunkyDave July 17, 2017, 10:17 PM
@Lvg,
I'm hanging in there for all I'm worth friend. I'm tired and sick but no longer sick and tired, if you know what I mean. Thx for all the support. It seems to come just when I need it.

Posted by: Lvg July 17, 2017, 10:28 PM
Believe me I get it.. I got so mad at every doctor, every clinic, Ready to start a March..my friend bought stock's in Suboxone he was so mad. But than I came to realise I put the drugs in me. Yes I Feel I should have been better educated but I did this to myself.. so now I try and help one person at a time... You got this Dave....

Posted by: itspossible July 18, 2017, 7:27 AM
I'm sorry your having a tough time dave but I promise you that its worth it and only temporary..Your worth it dave..The ups and downs will get easier to deal with in time and become less intense..You will soon lose track of your days clean,then weeks..Your life will be soooo much better you cant even imagine..Theres going to be bumps in the road to get where you going but it smooths out over time and you will be glad you stuck it out,trust me..haave a good day my friend..

Posted by: Lvg July 18, 2017, 8:25 AM
Morning Dave, Get up take hot shower get out of PJs, new clean day yea... Walk to mailbox,walk around the house get up get moving... I feel your eyes rolling You got this....

Posted by: JunkyDave July 18, 2017, 9:19 AM
@lvg,
10-4
Thx for the reminder and Have a great day.

Posted by: Lvg July 19, 2017, 8:11 AM
Good Morning Dave, I'm back again to say get moving... remember this too shall pass...Don't beat yourself up.. give yourself a break.. this is all part of your Journey, yes I know it suks right now,but you got this!. I promise you will look back on all this and again never want to touch Opiates... Just have to remember our brains and bodies need time to heal from all the abuse we have done.. power on Dave...

Posted by: JunkyDave July 19, 2017, 8:52 AM
Day49
7:40am.

7 weeks clean today.
I'm very happy about that.
Unfortunately I'm sick with a cold or virus and it's really kicking my butt. I'm taking cold medicine which seems to be mildly triggering my W/D symptoms. Hopefully today will be the day I pull out of the physical funk and start feeling better again.
I'm still resolute in staying clean and I've found additional incentive  due to the great difficulty of this journey. I do not wish to repeat this process. Too brutal to make a habit of.

Today I am grateful for 7 weeks completely clean and sober.

Posted by: Lvg July 19, 2017, 10:10 AM
Ughh, brutal, formidable journey but you will rise...

Posted by: JunkyDave July 19, 2017, 1:48 PM
@lvg,
Here is the vaping study you asked for. Didn't want to clog up anyone else's thread..
https://www.rcplondon.ac.uk/projects/outputs/nicotine-without-smoke-tobacco-harm-reduction-0

Posted by: Lvg July 19, 2017, 5:00 PM
Hey Dave, still not convinced.. not that the cancer sticks are any better... That will be the next battle I will tackle.. How we doing today Dave, missing your witty inspirational posts :(

Posted by: JunkyDave July 19, 2017, 5:39 PM
@lvg,
This Cold has really zapped me. I don't remember illnesses kicking me around this badly while I was using. I'm solid though. Waiting it out as per usual. It sucks but it's real life stuff.
As far as creativity goes it's not coming easily. I've tried to dip my pen in the waters of wit to no avail. Seems I've found myself in the shallows. Have no fear though, soon the waters will be deep enough for cupped hands to sling a multitude of vibrantly worded rainbows skyward in every given direction .
Just not today..


Posted by: Lvg July 19, 2017, 7:14 PM
Ahh Dave, This is all part of the process.. I remember it all to well.. here it comes wait for it........This too shall pass I promise you my friend... Yeah did I mention the kidney stones..lol... I to thought I was sick, had the flu, had some deadly Diease I was dying... I had blood tests done, every test known to man, you know what it's all part of the process, we have all been just where you at now and we are here to tell it does get easier as time passes...Hang tight Dave, keep treading water.....

Posted by: NeedHelp123 July 19, 2017, 11:54 PM
Dave, so glad to hear you're still fighting hard as ever! I went last night to my first NA meeting. For the first time, I truly see this as a lifelong battle. No, not this rough withdrawal process, but being an addict. To be honest, before last night....I never viewed myself as an addict. I seen it as I never felt right..like something was off, and opioids seemed to fill that void and make me feel "normal". I viewed it as something that was a problem in the west, and was a mistake that I had made. I guess I seen it as someone who takes antidepressants in order to feel better...not a disease. I feel such shame and regret even as I'm writing this. But deep down I know I shouldn't. Man, it really puts a lot of things in perspective...what so many have to go through with this disease. I guess it's hard for me to explain. It's so...it's so, I guess eye opening....strange finally coming to terms that I am an actual addict. My brain is not like so many others, and my desire for drugs was to feel something... anything other than what I was feeling.

You'd figure this revelation would be negative, but today was such an amazing day. I felt better today than I ever did on opioids. Things do get better. I am realizing more and more how much of an actual process this really is. No, we are not like so many others who have no idea of what this is like, but we are so much stronger because of this fight. I look forward to hearing from you
In 4 months, 6 months, a year from now...when you, and so many others in this thread have not only overcome this withdrawal process, but have beaten down and subdued this disease...and come out so much stronger in the process. This thread...the people in it, prove it really is possible. Keep your chin up, Dave.







Posted by: Lvg July 20, 2017, 9:59 AM
Hey Dave, will be here awaiting your arrival in the middle of the boat my friend...This is the time to be vigilant don't let that darkness creep back in.....Have a great day Dave....

Posted by: JunkyDave July 20, 2017, 7:03 PM
Day 50
5:25pm.

I'm feeling slightly better today. Whatever had a hold of me has loosened it's grip.
I have a remodeling job to go look at Saturday and I need to be firing on all cylinders.

One thing I've noticed while being sick is that the lack of motion and absence of Sunlight has negatively affected my recovery. I've got to remember to get outside and stay active. It's important.

 Tomorrow I'm going to pick up only One of the grandsons. Not two this time. It was too much last week. Plus I enjoy the individual time that bringing only one up affords.

Also, as an added benefit of note- I am no longer profusely sweating whenever I'm outside like I did when I was  on the methadone. There were many times when I blindly  searched for rags or towels because the sweat had flooded my eyes. It didn't necessarily limit itself to just the  outdoor heat though. Oftentimes if a room got slightly warm, like when full with visiting friends and family,  I would overheat and soon be sweating more than a color blind bomb-tech. It was embarrassment at its finest. Somehow in my fog, I accepted this...
Nevermore my friends. I'm so grateful to be free of that devilishly, devious drug.

Here's hoping everyone's day went wonderfully today and that tomorrow is even better.
Peace,
       Dave

Posted by: Lvg July 20, 2017, 9:38 PM
Yea Dave, the sweats were the worst for me it felt like icecold lightning bolts coming out of every pore..ughh awful.. but this too shall pass my friend.. Proud of You as always Dave....

Posted by: itspossible July 21, 2017, 3:09 PM
Just checking in on ya dave to see how you were getting along..your an inspiration brother too so many people thinking about climbing this mountain..

Posted by: Lvg July 21, 2017, 3:31 PM
Hey Dave, how's it going with the grandson today... Was hoping you didn't cut the wrong color wire on that bomb....Have a great rest of the day Dave.. I'm grateful for another clean day....

Posted by: JunkyDave July 21, 2017, 5:53 PM
Day51
5:35pm.

Well, We didn't get the grandson. My wife forgot about some prior commitments she'd made with some volunteer work. I already miss him but it was the right thing to do. If you make a promise then you keep the promise.

I feel so much better today. Still a bit of lingering funk but a full 80% better than last Friday. It's a good thing too because Tomorrow I go to look at an old home our AA chapter has purchased and with all this heat I'm a bit nervous. Don't want to do my old Wilting Wanda routine in front of a bunch of fellow members.

Here's hoping that I'm able to hold up in this ridiculous heat. But It serves no real purpose for me to endlessly speculate about it. It's one of those things that are, "Best by Test"
I'm oddly curious to see if I've improved much. We shall soon see.
Have a great weekend everyone and continue fighting the good fight..

 

Posted by: JunkyDave July 21, 2017, 6:08 PM
@ItsPossible
Thanks bud. I'm doing my level best to get through this and see the other side. It's an awkwardly tough journey though. Lots of curve balls and unexpected obstacles.
I remain undeterred though. Still determined to plant my flag.

Posted by: JunkyDave July 21, 2017, 6:14 PM
@Lvg
I'm still here. Obstinate as ever. Slowly feeling better and better. Key word there is SLOWLY.

And I'm pretty sure if you're ever in doubt, You just cut all the wires...

Posted by: Lvg July 21, 2017, 9:34 PM
That's so funny Dave,. Cause that's what I would do cut every last one ha... Stay Strong for Today Dave, remember we didn't get here in one day.....

Posted by: JunkyDave July 22, 2017, 6:57 PM
Day52
5:40pm

Well I lasted two hours...
But it was two hours of hard labor. Removing drywall from walls. Knocking various walls down with a sledgehammer and huge prybars. Moving kitchen appliances around and out of the way. And a bunch of other physically demanding work. Plus there was this insane heat...

I wish I'd have lasted longer but, I know there's no way I could have done this a month ago. The last time, when I nearly collapsed,  I was doing light duty jobs in the heat. Also, I didn't push so hard this time that I ended up in bed for three hours. This time I felt the energy plummeting and recognized the feeling.
I'm grateful that there's some improvement but I can't wait for the day when I can just go work a hard day and not worry about these energy crashes.
I'll get there..slowly but surely. I did go back out later with the wife to the Auto parts store, The shoe store, the battery store, and Walmart. So my energy did recover this time and I was able to be productive after the fact.
Anyways I'm dead tired and am going to call it a day.
Peace,
         Dave


Posted by: NeedHelp123 July 22, 2017, 10:47 PM
You're doing great, Dave. Proud of you!

Posted by: Lvg July 23, 2017, 9:29 AM
Hello Dave, I'm sure your tired of hearing your doing awesome, especially after a rough day of doing not intense labor, but little tasks of life... each day will begin to get better and better throw in a few off days...this too shall pass... Take pride in that we have today where so many others have not...stay the course Dave...suit up, strap in get ready for the ride of your Life....

Posted by: JunkyDave July 23, 2017, 12:10 PM
Day53
10:50am.

Well I woke up early this morning with that odd,   post-activity, energy surge. So I went out and cleaned up a huge mess that the dastardly racoons had made in the drive with some well used peanut oil.  Then, still feeling good, I changed the fuel filter, oil filter and changed out the old oil with some full synthetic. It's been so hot that the old truck deserves the treat.
Then I went to get a soda from the fridge  and the soda was warm.
Oh no...
Luckily I knew what caused it (my wife's frozen food fetish had blocked the circulation vents again) and I knew how to fix it- A few screws, some towels, and a hairdryer and we were back in business.

Funny how you seem to draw energy by expending it the day prior. That's odd but I've found it to be true. One of the few rock solid truths of this whole experience.
Ya Gotta Move.

Hope everyone has a beautiful day. I know I'm going to.
       
 

Posted by: Lvg July 23, 2017, 12:38 PM
Keep on moving Dave...

Posted by: itspossible July 24, 2017, 9:30 AM
checking on ya super dave...Hows it going? this heat where I'm at is brutal also, I guess it gets hot during the summer huh? anyway, I hope you are hanging in there brother, just thinking about ya..

Posted by: JunkyDave July 24, 2017, 9:46 AM
@Itspossible,
I'm doing fair. I overdid it a bit yesterday and ended up with a bad headache last night and it's still pestering me today. But all in all, I'm happy with my weekend and wouldn't change a thing.

Posted by: Lvg July 24, 2017, 12:11 PM
Hey Dave, I'm glad you are up and out doing things... definitely helps retrain own addict brains.... keep going strong... Grateful for another clean day....

Posted by: JunkyDave July 24, 2017, 5:54 PM
Thx @lvg.
I'm doing the best I can today. Crazy bad headache is hemming me up a bit. Still trucking though and still grateful.

Posted by: Lvg July 24, 2017, 6:00 PM
Dave I still get headaches I take one Ibuprofen it actually works.. well Dave still sooo Proud of You...

Posted by: Overfifty July 24, 2017, 7:58 PM
Just wanted to say hello:) your journey is awesome!! I really enjoy reading your daily posts. Your doing great. Have a wonderful day..........peace

Posted by: JunkyDave July 25, 2017, 9:36 AM
Day55
7:40am.

Yesterday was a reminder that things aren't always as they seem.
I had to go downtown  for some business before I picked my wife up from work. I pulled into a parking garage that was adjacent to my destination and proceeded to take care of my affairs. When I was done I went back to the garage, a giant, circular, monstrosity and attempted to locate my truck. Mind you I'd had a bad headache for two days and was on all the O.T.C meds I could stand..
I was certain I'd parked fairly far up the spiral structure and I was sure it was on level 4.
My idea, since I felt so weak, was to take the elevator to level 5 and walk DOWN to my truck instead of having to walk UP if I'd gotten off at the level 4 stop. I got off at 5 and ended up walking all the way down to level 1 and No Truck. I then took the elevator to 7 and walked down to 5, No truck..
Then I decided to just cut to the chase and go all the way to the top, level 11, and walk down til I located my ride. No luck. By this time I'd been trapped in this horrifically hot Parking garage for an hour.

My wife called wondering why I was late and I told her that I thought someone had stolen the truck. She got a co-worker to give her a ride to my location and said she'd be there in 30 minutes. In the interim, I attempted to ride the elevator back to floor 11 for a last minute do-over but because  it was so slow to arrive I took the stairs. This is when I noticed an odd detail. Every other floor alternated between Red Markings and Yellow markings. It turns out that this parking garage is actually two garages in one. Odd number floors are red, even are yellow.  One street entrance puts you solely on the Red ramp, the other the Yellow...

I was completely unaware of this new fangled, Parking garage wizardry.  
I'd  bumbled around for an hour in a red got garage trying to sneeze my way out of a massive sinus headache.

I felt silly, stupid and small. When my wife arrived she pointed out that stealing a car from a p.garage would be tough being as you had to have a ticket to pay and depart...
 Of course she was correct, I was completely humbled. I'd been completely befuddled by a simple,  two-color coded system and then assumed magical bandits had teleported my truck to an undisclosed location.
Uggg...

Still embarrassed by this incident but I'm going to look at it in a positive light.
 It's the simplest of things that can trip us up.
The most innocuous of events that can leave us completely confused and The punches you don't see coming that will leave you the most disconcerted.

Today I'll be grateful for a dose of humility. I must have needed it...

Posted by: Lvg July 25, 2017, 10:01 AM
Can't stop laughing Dave, I needed that this morning.. I went through that at the airport Grrr. Ahhh humility honest with oneself we don't have to do this alone, glad your wife was there we are Human Dave.. if anything you had a good work out... Have an awesome day....

Posted by: itspossible July 25, 2017, 1:44 PM
ive been there, wish I had the time to tell a few of my stories where I was in the twilight zone..You are ahead of where I was at that time though, I was walking around Walmart trying to start fights for no reason,the anger was out of the blue and uncontrollable...I'm glad no one took me up on my challenge because I'm not really a fighter..
I also ate a salad {with ranch dressing} with my BARE HANDS,lol..Once again for no reason, I just went caveman..Atleast I was at home..anyway, I hope you have a better day today dave..

Posted by: Lvg July 26, 2017, 11:00 AM
Morning Dave, yea another Day clean.. sending you my GPS..ha.. have a wonderful day Dave...

Posted by: JunkyDave July 26, 2017, 2:37 PM
Thank you @lvg.
I'm hanging in there. Still clean, still happy to be that way. I'm feeling a bit haggard from all the little crap that keeps popping up. Headaches, night sweats, lead suit syndrome, etc...
But I'm staying the course and Thx for the GPS.

Posted by: Lvg July 26, 2017, 4:41 PM
Hey Dave, I know it's rough keep up the good fight...you know the drill...time heals... don't stress all will be well my friend...

Posted by: itspossible July 26, 2017, 7:22 PM
your body is healing dave,we have punished our bodies and it just needs time to heal..You like me, probably have to work to make money and that can be a tough go at times..very discouraging to say the least..but it does get better..

Ensure, boost, even carnation instant breakfast,l-tyrosine,b12, bannas,orange juice will help get you through..you are no doubt lacking nutrients/minerals..FARM FRESH EGSS, not grocery store,if you can find them..the farm fresh eggs have VASTLY MORE Omega 3's etc..its something ridiculously more healthy for you , and your mind..I VASTLY Underestimated vitamin and minerals help until I stopped taking them..

hope you have a good night

Posted by: Lvg July 27, 2017, 6:56 AM
Morning Dave, get up get out....push yourself...no rolling your eyes at me.. grateful for another day clean...did I say I'm Proud of You Dave....have a wonderful day my friend....

Posted by: JunkyDave July 27, 2017, 2:44 PM
Day57
1:05pm.

I'm back working on the truck. This time new spark plugs and wires. $85.00 worth. Geez..
Still have this lingering sinus headache. I've had it since Sunday. I started thinking crazy stuff like, maybe I've got a brain tumor or, maybe I've had an aneurysm... then I remembered what I fellow solider who's marched this path told me. He said his withdrawal process almost turned him into a hypochondriac. So much stuff happening in our bodies and we're no longer numb to it.
 I'll tell you the gods honest truth, I'm so thankful for everyone who's offered advice and support.  It's meant the world to me and at times its kept me on track. This methadone withdrawal is much more like a War than a back room boxing match. In a boxing match you fight until one combatant takes too many shots and is counted out..
In a War, especially a great War, You fight until one side begins to lose and goes into retreat. But even in retreat they still fight on...
 Firing bullets, mortars and bombs, hiding booby trapped surprises, looting  towns,  cities, and villages in their wake.
But above all, the retreating army, that vanquished foe, is taught to destroy all things infrastructure. Bridges, Dams, Roads, Ports and Utilities. A dastardly parting gift..

This is a good summation of how I feel Methadone has left me.
I have my city back but My God, it's a mess.

I'm not depressed at realizing this, just surprised that I dealt daily with this enemy  and remained unaware of it's capacity for ruthlessness.
 
Today I'll be grateful for seeing the true extent of the  damage done. Even though it hurts to see your city crumbled..

Posted by: Lvg July 27, 2017, 3:19 PM
Forgive Your Enemies but Never Forget their Names....

Posted by: itspossible July 28, 2017, 6:56 PM
hows it going dave? just checking in on you..hope your hanging tough..Keep looking for the high ground in your battle..

Posted by: JunkyDave July 28, 2017, 7:19 PM
Day58
5:30pm.

Call me Crazy if you want but I honestly believe that the decongestant medications I've been on are exasperating my withdrawal symptoms. I feel like I'm back at day 25...

On the bright side, my sinus headaches ARE getting better. I suspect that the Cold/virus I had caused a secondary infection in my  sinuses.

It's been a rough couple weeks for sure but it's life on life's terms and I'll have to get reacustomed to that. In my old opiate world everything existed in a  lukewarm pool of acceptance where almost anything seemed moderately bearable. There was no real clarity in my world. The sharp, clear lines of personal responsibility  had slowly been replaced by the blurred lines of blame and their shadowy fuzziness. Can't do any personal  inventory if you've lost touch with the person ..

Gotta go do some more volunteer work in the morning. Gonna see if I can put in a few good, hard, hours. It's a bit cooler this weekend so I'm hoping that will be to my benefit.

Also we only got One grandson this weekend which will still be tough but exponentially easier than having both.
Strangely enough, Two kids are not double the work of just  one . That would be normal, rational, logical  math..
Kid math is not normal, it's  completely irrational, and has no such logic.
But I'm still extremely excited to see our 4yr old grandson. He's such a gem and his effervescence is entirely contagious.

Here's keeping my fingers crossed that I'll have the energy to be both productive and free spirited this weekend.
Bests to you all,
                  Dave

Posted by: JunkyDave July 28, 2017, 7:26 PM
Forgive your enemies but never forget their names.

Touché

Posted by: NeedHelp123 July 28, 2017, 10:39 PM
Hey Dave, it's really nice to hear you're doing some volunteer work. This, I think would give the most when dealing with a sense of accomplishment. That feeling of accomplishment is what I find gets me out of a paws rut and often takes doing extra in order to overcome it...it really does seem to work. It's funny you mention decongestant/cold medications because I had a cold a while back and as was the case with you, those meds seem to set me back. Oy, and for the nasal congestion....I tired Clairatin and for the following 3 days, it was like a roller coaster. It's strange how even the slightest medication that most use without even thinking about it affects you when coming off this "life saving" drug.

Anyhow, just thought I'd stop in and tell you how much your story gives me hope for others who are trying to get free from this drug. It really is possible. It just takes time and some real soul searching work. It's that unwavering refusal to yield that has you already defeating this thing. It seems to be a rare thing when dealing with this type of adversary. You really are a trooper. Proud of you, bud.

Posted by: Lvg July 29, 2017, 5:55 PM
Hello Dave, how'd you fair with service work...You are a strong person I couldn't do that early on in my recovery. Fearless moral inventory.. working on that now...... keep pushing forward Dave has to be dark in order to let the light in...

Posted by: JunkyDave July 29, 2017, 6:48 PM
Day59
5:40pm.

Well I managed to go 3 hard hours hanging drywall and then after lunch and a small break, another 1.5 hrs helping an elderly couple move furniture out of storage and into their new home.
I AM BEAT.
but satisfied.
Also, a guy I meet last weekend, who I thought was kind of a jerk, turned out to be a pretty decent dude. He was my co-worker today. I really need to start reading the book before offering a review. You'd think I'd of learned that lesson by now..
Oy vey'

At any rate I'm having a good weekend and all is well. I hope everyone else's weekend is equally as satisfying.
       -  Dave -

Posted by: Lvg July 29, 2017, 7:36 PM
Yeah 2 months tomorrow whew what a ride.. Judgemental eh.. Keep coming back Dave.... Proud of how far you have come....

Posted by: JunkyDave July 30, 2017, 6:42 PM
DAY 60
HOORAY.

Well I've made it to day 60. I'm pretty excited about the accomplishment. It's been a much wilder ride than any kick I've ever done but I'm damn glad I did it.

I've suffered from exhaustion all day today. I got Zero Energy  bounce  back for my efforts yesterday. But in all fairness, I probably overdid it a bit. Plus we had the grandson up so that wears on a body a too, in a good way but still...
All in all Saturday was my most productive day yet.

Hope everyone else's weekend went great too. I'm gonna wind it down and catch some R&R...
     -Dave

Posted by: Lvg July 31, 2017, 12:51 PM
Hello Dave, Another day clean Dave, smile as you look in the mirror at the guy looking back,be Proud my friend...

Posted by: JunkyDave July 31, 2017, 8:47 PM
Day61
7:15pm.

Another low energy day in  combination with this nagging headache. I woke up feeling rough. I managed to only take one decongestant pill today since I'm somewhat convinced that they somehow trigger an acuteness in my waning W/D symptoms.
 I will say that I felt better this Monday on one sinus pill than I did last Monday on a handful of them. So there's that'

Hopefully I bounce back soon. I'm tired of feeling under the weather. It's very exhausting.
Nevertheless,  I'm hanging in there for the long haul.  I enjoy being clean. There was a time when I thought opiates were liberating but the worm  turned and now I find freedom in being detoxed  from them. I'm no longer a Slave to the subtle madness that is active addiction.

I'll be grateful for that..

Posted by: Lvg August 1, 2017, 11:26 AM
Hello Dave, hope today finds you well.. this is the time to be vigilant...Just for Today Dave.. another clean day my friend...

Posted by: JunkyDave August 1, 2017, 10:29 PM
Day62
8:44pm.

Still struggling with this sinus headache. I think it's slightly better but I've resolved to go see a doctor if it hasn't significantly improved by this time next year...

On a serious note, I think it was a common cold that hit me at a particularly weak moment - immunologic wise.

Other than that, I'm feeling fairly decent. I did mean to mention that I am back on the lotramin.
Digestive disruptions
Uggg..

I feel like I've accepted the W/D process and settled in for the long haul. I don't have cravings for any drug. My sole focus is on recovering, Reclaiming what is reclaimable and moving forward with my life. I've spent way too much time trying to find work arounds that would allow a productive life and my desired drug usage. Im now convinced no such cheat code exists. We live in a Reap what we Sow universe. If you choose to live as I did, 15yrs in an Opiate induced haze, you can expect a real mess when the fog finally lifts.

One day at a time.
I'll get it all back in order. I'm even strangely excited about the challenge. Maybe I'm getting my hutzpah back..
At any rate it's late and I'm tired.
Peace & Out,
Dave



Posted by: JunkyDave August 3, 2017, 7:25 AM
Day64
5:48am.

Early morning check in for me. I've got work to do today, hopefully all goes well. Still have this slight headache and that is troublesome. I'll power through it I'm sure.
Yesterday was 9 weeks totally clean and sober.
I Sure do wish I was further along than I appear to be. At this point I thought I'd surely be bathed in sunshine and sweet breezes as I chased butterflies on a grassy knoll while Little house on the Prarie theme music played softly in the background.
WRONG.
Nothing like that AT ALL.
This recovery seems much more like a long journey you've signed up for only to find out later that it's to be marched at a 3 step forward/2 steps back Cadence.
Very discouraging at times for sure.
I'll keep marching but geez..

Anyways,
Off to work- Dave

Posted by: Guest August 3, 2017, 8:38 AM
Hey Dave I have posted to your thread several times with no avail.. not sure why it disappeared..

Posted by: JunkyDave August 3, 2017, 8:59 AM
@guest
Sign up for an account and join in the fun. It's free and it's quick.
Sorry about the missing posts.

Posted by: Guest August 3, 2017, 4:57 PM
Hey Dave it's Lvg, it will not let me post I don't know why.. Just want you to know I'm thinking of how strong you are and still proud of you.this was the hardest thing I have ever done.. we can do this Dave.. hopefully I can figure my account out.be well Dave..

Posted by: itspossible August 4, 2017, 9:05 AM
morning dave..just checking in on you..hope your doing well..you are an inspiration to many people looking to come out of the darkness..have a good day buddie..

Posted by: JunkyDave August 4, 2017, 9:08 AM
Thank you @itspossible.
I'm a bit concerned about @lvg.
He couldn't get on yesterday. Have you heard from him?

Posted by: NeedHelp123 August 4, 2017, 11:29 AM
Hey Dave, hope all is well. Lvg is still having issues logging into his account.
It's a good day for Lvg (9 month chip). This is a big milestone and great accomplishment.

You're moving along as well. Good stuff!
Keep up the good work, Dave.

Posted by: JunkyDave August 4, 2017, 10:28 PM
Day65
8:17pm.

Better day for me today. Headaches are getting better. Not gone but fading. I've got to work tomorrow doing manual labor so it'll be interesting to see how I hold up. I feel bad being the guy who can't be counted on when the work gets tough but I'm doing the best I can..
One day this will all be behind me but I doubt I'll ever forget how arduous this event really was. It's quite possibly the toughest thing I've ever attempted.

On a side note,
I've started playing Chess again on lichess. Mostly tactics training. Little chess problems you have to solve. The harder the problem, the higher your rating increases. I like it because when my brain sputters to a halt I can just stop opposed to an actual game where I am stuck playing for another 30 minutes.
It feels good to enjoy the little things that I used to enjoy.
Day by day it's all getting better.
One day at a time
Day by day.
I'll get there..


Posted by: Lvg August 5, 2017, 12:05 AM
Hello Dave, you bet this is definitely the hardest thing I have ever done in my Life. Yes we will never forget it...your doing great Dave.. It will all come back gradually..Just for Today I am thankful for another clean day....

Posted by: JunkyDave August 6, 2017, 10:05 AM
Day67
8:45am.
Yesterday was a good day. Went to work on the old home I'm helping with and worked really hard for 4 straight hours. For comparison, two weeks earlier I'd lasted only two hours. The guy I was hanging drywall with was actually the one who suggested we call it a day. I was thankful though. Hanging drywall, especially on ceilings, is Tough.

So I guess this means the rumours are true- I am getting better. It's just such a slow process that it's easy to miss the incremental improvements.
Sure feels good to know I can go half a day at full speed. I also went back to the job that  I'd  collapsed on way back when and worked for 3 hours Thursday with no ill effects.
I'll be grateful for the comeback. It makes me happy...

Posted by: hibeccawhatsup August 6, 2017, 2:26 PM
Dave your my best homie right now I'm so super effing proud of you man. How incredible you are.

Today's my 30th day off dones I quit 200mg cold turkey after a little over 3 years which I guess is crazy but I don't care I'll just be half as strong as you and I can handle it. I'm 22 so, I still think I'm invincible ;)

I love your words. Love your posts, the one where you lost your car in a parking garage that one time OMG never related or laughed more.

Your a cool guy 😎 cool guy emoji all the way

Posted by: JunkyDave August 6, 2017, 7:45 PM
@Hibeccawhatsup,
HI there and thanks for the post. Try to keep posting because there's alot of knowledge around here. Knowledge is power right?
And Yeah,
We can be Homies.
😎😎😎

Posted by: itspossible August 7, 2017, 7:21 AM
dave, you are doing your thing my friend.. that's exactly how you progress, a little here and a little there..But now your getting to the stage where its starts to add up..I also do hard labor type work and it was a challenge at times..very easy to get frustrated..
Chess will do you good..I took up video games,im not a game player AT ALL,but I am convinced that it has helped my brain process things again a lot faster after playing for awhile..
have a good day..

Posted by: Lvg August 7, 2017, 1:27 PM
Hello Dave still Proud of how strong you are through this formidable journey...be well my friend...


It's possible.....your doing amazing also keep up the good work....

Posted by: Lvg August 7, 2017, 1:35 PM
Just read your post NeedHelp, I'm logged back in I lost some brain cells along this journey.... takes "TIME" to heal...I'm still clean for today grateful as always for all the support...

Hey Dave "Lvg,." I am a Strong Proud American Woman.. With an Iron will..lol stay strong brother Dave....

Posted by: JunkyDave August 8, 2017, 9:50 AM
Day69
8:25am.
I struggled with that pesky headache all day yesterday. It seems better this morning. I'm grateful for that.  The headaches have been a bummer for sure. All throughout the acute phase of my withdrawal I took buffered baby aspirin to reduce the possibility of nausea but for these headaches I've been taking full-size adult aspirin. And even then it has just barely kept it in check.
I sure hope that one day I'll be able to sleep 8 hours again. I've had some brief periods where I've slept 7 or 7.5 hours but on average I'm sleeping about five and a half hours a night and I wake up two to three times during that cycle. Also two to three times a week I'll wake up with night sweats. I had to remind myself of how bad it was in the beginning when I was getting zero sleep and just flipping and flopping. So I'm not complaining necessarily, I'm just saying that the sleep still isn't right.

I'm grateful that I decided to keep this journal because it makes it very convenient to drift back in time and accurately remember exactly how tough things were during that first three weeks. It's still tough but I am improving. I'm not 100% by any means , but I am definitely better.

Today I'll be grateful that I'm better..

Posted by: JunkyDave August 8, 2017, 9:53 AM
@Lvg.
Ahhh..
The many joys of Internet anonymity. I had no idea.
My bad. No offence intended.
Stay Strong (like Iron)
-Dave

Posted by: Lvg August 8, 2017, 3:07 PM
Hey Dave no offense taken..What we are going through Guy/Girl all the same formidable journey... If She's reading also Need help, strong willed Woman... Where's the update Dave...

Posted by: Lvg August 8, 2017, 3:11 PM
Oh just read it Dave, sleep the last to arrive... I still have headaches not as consistent as months ago,and sweats still got em...Grrr. Keep pushing Dave proud of you....

Posted by: itspossible August 8, 2017, 4:30 PM
good afternoon dave and lvg,
Those sweats will go away..Your sleep will also return dave..You will go to bed one night and wake up the next morning, that will excite you in itself..Then a transition period where you will sleep good a few nights and then have a couple of nights where its disturbed.it gets better and better though,not worse..I listened to sleep music through youtube, like rain ,birds etc..it helped relax me also..

Posted by: NeedHelp123 August 8, 2017, 9:32 PM
Yeah Dave, still waiting for sleep to return to normal as well. It just takes Time, I guess.
Have you thought about getting away? Something like a one or two day vacation?
Getting away has helped, and still helps :)

Lvg, a lot of strong willed women going on around here. I think you may have dropped your hat from that Jan21st event. Even without your hat, I'm proud of your progress.

Dave, be proud as wel. Things will be up and down but will get easier with Time.

Posted by: Lvg August 9, 2017, 8:09 AM
Morning Dave, All you are going through is just the normal process..as you rack up those clean Days the physical will slowly find equilibrium... The Mental journey is formidable...Time yes takes Time for our brain and body to repair years of damage... counting minutes counting hours counting days....Just wake up tell yourself this is a Great day.. Focus on positive thinking and actions Just for Today....I am alive and clean for today.....

Posted by: Lvg August 9, 2017, 8:26 AM
NeedHelp, Hats off to you... Proud of You and what you are accomplishing.. This is definitely a hard road traveled....we may have not taken the easy path but forward progress to a new Life a better clean life.. Coming out the other side Stronger...be well on your journey my friend...

Posted by: JunkyDave August 9, 2017, 8:42 PM
Day70
6:50pm.
Headaches are getting better but my lack of motivation seems to be increasing. I'm either not feeling good and don't want to do anything or I'm feeling ok but don't want to upset the apple cart. I've got to find a way to keep myself moving no matter what.

I feel better when I move. It just gets tough  when week after week the symptoms won't fully relent. I'll survive it but I don't have to like it. I think I'd prefer a full blown battle royale rather than constant  potshots from the cheap seats.

I guess I should be grateful that the headaches are subsiding. If I can get them under control a bit more I'll be much happier. I'm already happier than I was when I was on 80 mg of methadone a day. I was an emotional zombie after a few years of that. And like any decent zombie, I didn't even realize  I'd become a part of the walking dead. I just shuffled around in an emotionally constricted state, all creative  horizons obstructed  and told myself everything was fine.

Yeah, today my life is definitely better than it was before. It  just seems that complaining about today is much easier than a good and proper reflection about how bad things were before. 

I need to work on being grateful and I need to stay thankful for the progress I've made.
I'll add it to the 2-do list...

Posted by: Lvg August 10, 2017, 2:33 AM
Dave just for today..

Posted by: JunkyDave August 11, 2017, 9:21 AM
Day72.
7:30am

I am still moving forward but I am past the point where any planning prepared me for. I'd planned my escape from this wicked drug very meticulously. I tried to put myself in the best position for success. I treated it more like a prison break than a medical detox.
 I knew that the prisoner who only carried a blanket to lay over the razor wire was often caught  directly outside the fence. Hence, I tried to plan for every concivable obstacle. I saved up money to help support us while I'd be sick. I tried to mentally prepare for a long protracted battle. I stockpiled o.t.c  meds I knew I'd need. I planned and planned and planned..

But many plans didn't survive first contact and I have outlasted the ones that did. It seems that, for this point at least, it will be more about persistence than planning.
I am relying on Faith, Determination and momentum to carry me through this patch of plan-less-ness.

 I dont see this as an absolute negative though.
 I sort of see the situation like the 120 yr old man saying he's run through his retirement savings. It's an unusual situation for sure but it's also a blessing to have outlasted your best laid plans.
Today I'll be thankful about my blessings and grateful for my longevity.
All is well...

Posted by: Lvg August 11, 2017, 12:53 PM
Hey Dave I did absolutely the same exact thing. Everyone is different but it really does take some time..I can honestly tell you now at 9 months off this garbage I feel great, have some bad days but overall life is so much better.. you'll see...just hang tough And stay positive...the whole world is so much brighter....

Posted by: JunkyDave August 11, 2017, 1:50 PM
@lvg.
Thank you..

Posted by: Lvg August 11, 2017, 3:36 PM
Hey Dave it's early in your recovery I know it feels like forever.. Didn't get here in one day lol...Are you making meetings?? I have said it before after the acute wd's than the formidable Mental journey begins... I had an awful rough time..I was doing it all alone, so I just dwelled on the negatives not taking any forward positive actions.. point is get up push yourself live life in front of you... Avoid stressful situations for now til our brains and bodies heal. It's definitely like watching a pot of water make it to a boil...but it does in Time... forward Dave take no names but never forget..stay strong buddy... you got this..did I say I am Proud of You my friend....

Posted by: rach48 August 12, 2017, 7:42 AM
hi junky dave i have been following your post and i admire you. i am too 61 days off methadone and i feel great the only thing i suffer with is after my 8 hours working at a bakery i am done for the day, i cant move. i had withdrawals for about 6 weeks. I was on 30-40 mg then weened down to 20 mg then jumped off, went to a medical detox hospital for 4 days then a 28 day rehab, the rehab helped me so much. Thanks for your time to type as you were so sick i wouldnt have been able to do it ...GOD BLESS YOU..Be Proud..

Posted by: JunkyDave August 12, 2017, 6:22 PM
@Rach48
HI and glad to meet you. Thanks for the kind words about my postings. And yeah, for SURE some posts were a challenge to complete but it greatly helped me and hopefully it'll help others. Keep reading and keep posting.
Bests,
Dave

Posted by: itspossible August 12, 2017, 7:35 PM
you guys are doing great !! you all are making a path forward for the ones that are getting ready to be clean, a much needed path in that time of darkness.. congrats to everybody...

Posted by: JunkyDave August 13, 2017, 2:14 PM
Day74
12:55pm.

I worked hard again yesterday. Almost 4hrs. Mostly finishing drywall but lots of stop and go fixing what other volunteers had done incorrectly. I left fatigued as usual but I took note that the heat seemed to take the most out of me. I was sweating WAY more than anyone else. Granted, I used to sweat profusely for almost no reason so there's that'.
 I suppose my system is still confused. I sure wish the overheating issue would stop. When I'd take an 80mg. dose of methadone I'd have to turn the air down and put all the fans on high. It was an issue then and continues to be, albeit to a smaller degree.

My headaches appear to be disappearing. No aspirin Or Tylenol at all today and I just have a tiny, background type headache.
I have to go do a small  job at an office complex today. I'm dreading it. The major expenditure of energy yesterday has left me with the predictable energy hangover. I feel exhausted and I haven't done a thing yet.
Still hanging in there though. Still unafraid.
Still resolute.
Everybody have a great Sunday.

Posted by: Lvg August 13, 2017, 10:02 PM
Easy does it Dave, but do it...

Posted by: itspossible August 14, 2017, 5:32 PM
Your building momentum now dave..you will be working all day before you know it, certainly not as fast as you would like but it is on the way, that I promise..keep up the good work..

song of the day is stained "its been awhile"

quote of the day "he who says he can and he who says he can't are both right" confucious

Posted by: JunkyDave August 15, 2017, 1:55 PM
Day76
12:05pm.
Fairly uneventful day today so far. Yesterday I developed a massive headache that lasted the bulk of the day. Today is much better. I still have that sluggish feeling like you have when you've just overcome the flu or some other fairly menacing sickness. But instead of lasting a few days it's lasted several weeks.
Once I'm in motion and on task It seems fine but getting in gear initially is very difficult.
Slothfulness is the word that comes to mind.
Such an ugly word.

I still have faith that things are going to get better.
Some days are just tougher than others. I long for the days when I woke up feeling inspired to create and construct. I miss being creative. It's like that portion of me has been muted. Make no mistake, this withdrawal is a total grind. Super tough and way more complex than id imagined.
My hat is off to all those who've  slogged through this muckish journey before me. You're a Dam tough lot.

Don't worry about me though, I will never quit on my stool. If I lose this battle it will be with both fists clenched and swinging for the fences.
I'm just trying to say that it's really tough sometimes.
       -Dave

Posted by: Lvg August 15, 2017, 5:02 PM
Keep swinging Dave,. I don't leave footprints in the sand I leave boot tracks in the mud...

Posted by: JunkyDave August 15, 2017, 7:27 PM
@lvg.
That's one of my all time favorite quotes.
Thanks 4 the reminder.

Posted by: JunkyDave August 15, 2017, 7:30 PM
-song of the day is stained "its been awhile"-
I love that song...

Posted by: itspossible August 15, 2017, 9:08 PM
Your a tough dude brother dave, so for you,

todays quote - "when the going gets tough,the tough get going"

song of the day creed "weathered"

Posted by: Lvg August 15, 2017, 10:42 PM
Dave, you must be a good ole southern boy...lol.

Posted by: JunkyDave August 17, 2017, 2:09 PM
Day78.
1:00pm.
My mother fell yesterday and broke her hip. She is currently in surgery. Her name is Judy. Please pray for her.

Posted by: Lvg August 17, 2017, 4:49 PM
Sorry to hear about your Mom......my thoughts and prayers are with you both... Will light a candle for Judy...Be well Dave...

Posted by: JunkyDave August 17, 2017, 5:06 PM
Thank you for the prayers @lvg.

Posted by: Lvg August 17, 2017, 9:22 PM
Hey Dave just checking in to see how the surgery went for your Mom.. hope all is well...

Posted by: rach48 August 18, 2017, 7:38 AM
sorry to hear that i will put your mom in my prayers.

Posted by: itspossible August 18, 2017, 11:50 AM
I'm sorry to hear that dave...seems like you always get kicked while you are down..were all hoping theres good news coming..

Posted by: NeedHelp123 August 19, 2017, 7:33 AM
I'm sorry to hear about the fall, Dave.
You and your mom will be in my prayers.
Stay strong brother.

Posted by: JunkyDave August 19, 2017, 3:56 PM
Day80
2:40 pm.

My Mother underwent successful hip surgery Thursday. She is still in the hospital and has a long rehab ahead but she should be ok.
I worked volunteering again today. 4.5 hrs of hard work in blistering heat. Had the same type of energy fallout towards the end but 4.5hrs of heavy duty work is my best time yet. I'm also feeling more confident and my fear of a complete energy lapse is fading.

On a side note,
Our bank card was "comprised " yesterday and someone in California cleaned out  $411 dollars before we could reach India and shut down our card. We are card less until the new one arrives and it will take at least 10 days to refund the disputed charges.
When it rains it pours huh?
But I signed up for life on life's terms and I'm sober so I'm still optimistic.
Here's wishing everyone a great weekend.
            -Dave

Posted by: JunkyDave August 19, 2017, 4:12 PM
And Thank you to Everyone who offered support. It means alot to me. It was a scary couple days. Prayers do work and I appreciate it.

Posted by: NyToFlorida August 19, 2017, 6:00 PM
yup, life just keeps going.. there's no pause button...

Posted by: Lvg August 19, 2017, 8:05 PM
Glad your Mom's ok Dave, right there with you buddy on the list, Life on Life's terms.... remember Easy does it....

Posted by: rach48 August 20, 2017, 9:03 AM
My mom is 85 she just had back surgery and is doing awesome, your mom had alot of prayers she will be fine and i understand when it rains it pours but its a test to our sobriety so stay strong.

Posted by: Lvg August 21, 2017, 11:08 AM
Hey Dave, checking in on you... How are you doing..

Posted by: NeedHelp123 August 21, 2017, 6:55 PM
How are ya Dave? Did you watch the solar eclipse today? If you're in the US, depending on the state, you had the chance to see a full solar eclipse. I was only able to see a partial one due to where I live, but it really does make you realize how small we truly are in the grand scheme of things. Truly amazing stuff when you think about it.

Remember, we come out the other side of this fight a stronger and a much better version of ourself. I say version of ourself because after so many years on this particular type of drug...you really have been walking around like a zombie, just going through the motions but not really connecting with each emotion you are supposed to be experiencing. Yes, it's still difficult, but the longer you give your brain time to repair, the more real emotions you feel. You feel the good emotions...as well as the negative ones ten fold. As hard as it often gets, one thing I know is we can all say it is 100% better being off this horrific drug called Methadone.

Proud of you man.

Posted by: JunkyDave August 22, 2017, 11:13 AM
Day83
9:35am.

Very, very busy but doing well. My mother's hospital stay has been trying. For starters,  her hospital is 4.5 hrs round trip from me. Secondly,  the hospital doesn't seem to know from day to day what the plan is supposed to be.
It is very frustrating to say the least.

My recovery seems to be picking up a bit of momentum as of late. Some mornings I wake up and simply feel...Well, Normal.

My sleep seems to have evened out at about 5 hours a night. Unfortunately, that leaves me feeling that I need more sleep. But I've discovered that it doesn't do any good to try to lie back down and pick up another couple hours. It's simply not to be had and I end up wasting time in bed for nothing.
But, if I'll get on up and get in motion, within an hour or so the sensation of being sleep deprived will evaporate.
All in all I'm very satisfied with where I'm at in my recovery. It hasn't went smoothly or perfectly by any means but I've made progress and the progress I've made is tangible and irrefutable. I am undeniably much better than I was 60 days ago.
It's just so easy to forget how far I've come and concentrate instead on the little things in my life that are still out of focus.
But fear not I am still trudging along making progress and getting better. Hopefully things will calm down soon and I'll be able to post more frequently.
All my best to everyone,
                                      Dave

Posted by: Lvg August 22, 2017, 1:02 PM
Live for Today Dave... Proud of you!!!

Posted by: JunkyDave August 22, 2017, 1:38 PM
@lvg
Thank you friend.

Posted by: JunkyDave August 22, 2017, 1:46 PM
@Needhelp
Yes I witnessed the eclipse too. I didn't think it was going to affect me as much as it did. Lucky for me that I didn't have to travel far to witness a Total 100% eclipse. I was grateful that I could stand in the heat for over an hour without any Issues. Sad truth is that if I'd been all methadoned out I'd probably just stayed inside. Sad but true.
Thanks for checking on me.
- Dave

Posted by: itspossible August 23, 2017, 9:04 PM
Good to see your still doing your thing dave..Nothing like being and FEELING free dave..The sad truth is that I sit out way to many IMPORTANT activities because I was doned up..I still deal with those regrets but I'm glad I didn't wait one more day to right the ship..Ah , the time we wasted,man, that's a tough one to swallow, so todays quote will be

"if you run after your destiny you will escape your history" tdjakes

song will be "running on empty" Jackson browne

hope everybody has a good night..

Posted by: Lvg August 25, 2017, 10:49 AM
Hey Dave, doing another drive by to see how you are doing my friend??

Posted by: JunkyDave August 25, 2017, 10:05 PM
Day86
5:30pm.

For 15 years my life revolved around opiate use. For the first 60 days of my recovery, life revolved around freeing myself from that usage. But as of late, I'm realizing my life is beginning to revolve around other things. Life is incredibly complicated and immensely diverse and it involves much more than pills, doctor's visits, call ins, and piss tests.
Lately with my mother being hospitalized and me myself feeling better and better everyday, I've thought less and less about the things of old and more and more about what really matters. I can only thank God that I began my recovery when I did and that I was well enough to make the five-hour round-trip to visit with my mother and support her. Just 60 days ago I don't think I could have accomplished these things. There was a time, a few weeks back, when I couldn't even stand for more than 15 minutes without becoming exhausted and nauseated. Remember that? I do...
Tomorrow go back to do more volunteer work. The work is being done at a local Recovery House which is in dire need of the renovation it's receiving. I am certain that I will be able to work 5 strong hard hours. I'll be tired when it's over, I'll be exhausted when it's over , but I'm sure I'll be able to do it. My confidence has grown so much from this small volunteer job. It's been worth every hour I have put in.

Welp, it's been three hours since I started writing this post. I got interrupted by a phone call saying that my elderly mother and her somewhat elderly sister were having a major argument inside my mother's hospital room...
So now I'm certain that all the nurses think we're a bunch of backwoods rednecks. (We are but I didn't want them knowing it)
My aunt, who's rude anyways, is addicted to pain meds prescribed for L4-L5 back surgeries.
Too many pills and she loses touch with any empathy. What follows is snippy rudeness disguised as curt observations.
Not good to be snippy with my mother. This is a woman who escorted the meter reader off her property via a 12 gauge after she witnessed him pepper spray her Dogs.
 Anyways, it's so unfortunate that my family is showing its azz but hey, I've been showing mine for 15 yrs...
So there's that'

Gotta get some rest. Everyone have a blessed weekend..
        -Dave

Posted by: itspossible August 25, 2017, 10:16 PM
wtg dave..im glad your feeling a bit better..its a humbling experience for sure, atleast it was for me..The devil really messes with all of us strong souls,he has the weak ones all tied up already I think..he's going to have a tough time with you, I can see that..have a good day tomorrow..
I will deem you an all American boy so todays song is going to be,

eddie rabbit- "American boy"

quote of the day - "theres never a right time to do the wrong thing, and theres never a wrong time to do the right thing" lou holtz


Posted by: Lvg August 28, 2017, 10:52 PM
Where we at Dave, hope all is well with you my friend...