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Message Board > Families / Partners of Addicts > My Anger

Posted by: stuckinamoment August 27, 2019, 11:25 PM
In my previous posts, over a year ago, I recounted how my son went 2000 miles away to stay with his sister to get away from bad influences after he kicked xanax and opiates. After several months with her he told me his sister and her husband were using - something, he thought maybe heroin - and he wasn't using anything. Several intense conversations and I was more confused than ever and finally leaned towards him having some major personality disorder and that my daughter, poor thing, really had her hands full having to deal with him.

Well, he's been back with us a few months, is fine, better than ever, really. And my daughter and her husband began opiate addiction treatment yesterday. After lying to us repeatedly about why they needed to borrow money. Lying to us about jobs they no longer had. Lying to us about illnesses and ER visits. She finally owned up that it's been going on for years and they had tried to quit "so many times."

It's all out in the open now, my husband knows all about it. He seems at times to blame me for...something? And I am so angry. Daughter and her husband are supposed to come home to stay in a few days (they have to, they don't have a place to live anymore, or jobs). Tonight I got up in the middle of dinner (if you can call it that...anxiety keeps me from eating much) - and snatched up all the pictures of us visiting her, all the memorabilia, and dumped them in a bag. I nearly put it in the garbage but threw it in a closet. Same with her with honors diploma.

They are in their 30's, no kids (thank God). I just don't understand, I really don't. When I was her age I was taking care of my terminally ill parents and raising two small kids. I didn't escape with drugs or booze. I'm the one who was molested and abused, I didn't resort to drugs to cover it up. What the hell? She's had a much easier life than she even realizes, but throws it all get high. Seriously, I don't understand and I sure as hell don't have much sympathy at this point. I've got to get a handle on this anger and resentment before they get here, I know I will make it worse.

Anybody give me some perspective?

Posted by: sad eyes August 28, 2019, 7:56 AM
Firstly sorry ypu are going through all this, I know what you mean about the anxiety and lack of appetite I was like that 18 months ago, but not to bad at the moment, I think it was very good of your son to come and tell you all about your daughter and son in law, it must of been very hard for him living with the temptation there, well done for him, not very good at giving advice can't seem to work my own problems out, maybe when she comes to visit have it out with her how you feel, it's a very hard situation I wish we all wasent going through this, and could be writing there achievements etc, keep us posted and take care

Posted by: Sallyanna August 28, 2019, 11:36 AM
My perspective is your anger is a healthy response to being duped, especially by your own daughter. No one likes to find out they have been lied to, manipulated, and used. I think you're nice to let them live with you because I myself couldn't live with them. For me, (I have complex PTSD) I would not be able to cope with all the stressors. Plus, they should feel the full consequences of their choices....maybe a sober living after treatment? Once they move in it can be hard to get them out. Just my opinion though based on my own experiences. I wish you all the best and remember to take care of you first. Its easy for us to lose ourselves in all of this.

Posted by: NyToFlorida August 28, 2019, 6:51 PM
Hello - my first thoughts is for you to go to a local treatment, recovery center. See if they have councilors for family members for you to talk to, and get information for your daughter and son-in-law to be in a outpatient program.

The program I found had insurance representative on site for my son to sign up for state health care. Only costs me $25 a month for medical. The treatment program may include doctors to see for medical stuff, that they have been neglecting, group and individual counseling at the center, IOP meetings a few times a week. They are in outraged to go to AA or NA meetings. The center most likely has some help for finding jobs and housing. We live near a small city.

Then, think of how to keep their responsibilities off your plate. Make a short list of rules. They can live w you for minimal time. Can not use your cars. Stay involved in a program. Find jobs within a month, find housing within another month...

Thoughts: your husband may be angry bc you were the middleman and reported everything was ok with them. And you are angry for being put in the middle, You have both been lied to. It hurts. You gave your time and money for causes that you thought were true. You didn’t believe the one who was telling the truth. It’s a lot to digest.

A similar conversation happened in our family many years ago. My daughter at about 17 had an addiction problem. Once time she made a statement about her brother- he does more drugs than anyone! I thought - Impossible! He finished college, lived away from home, how would she know - he was 4 yrs older and there was no problem that we saw. I thought she was trying to turn the attention away from herself.. it was a few years later that his addiction came to the surface. 6 years after that - she has been drug free, married, has new baby. He has been relapsing every year.

Posted by: Parenting2 August 29, 2019, 8:04 AM
Speaking from experience, I would not let them move in, esp. at their ages. It will never end. I would try to find them a sober living place (or let them do it). Please don't put yourself through the hell.

I understand the rage at old photos, etc. Addiction is a cruel disease in that it forces loved ones to stay away for their own sanity. It is totally normal to throw stuff in a bag (and healthy!). Probably good you threw it in a closet and not out. Not so permanent.

I am very sorry you are going through this, again. I don't understand it, either. I sometimes wonder if kids in the US have so many supports that it makes it easier to begin using?? I have no idea, but there are SO many kids in this boat. My Dad in the 1930s, drove a milk truck with bad breaks to help support his Mom & Dad. They were really poor. He was 16.

My son is doing relatively okay. But, his nastiness and selfishness continue. It has burned me out. I can't look at photos right now. And, have rearranged the walls so the painful ones are in a drawer.

Take care of yourself! Set boundaries and try to detach as much as possible. It is your decision, obviously, but you are inviting a lot of stress into your house. They really need to find accommodations. Even if their intentions are good (which is questionable), they may end up using your resources to use.

Posted by: stuckinamoment September 2, 2019, 1:30 AM
I do need to find some counseling for myself, and my husband, too, if he will go. I am a little less angry now, but anxious and having trouble sleeping. I need to be at my best - strongest - when dealing with my daughter. She's in town now, they are at her husband's parent's home. She and her husband started treatment last week when they were still 2000 miles away and set up treatment here which starts later this week. She called today and wanted to talk. It was kind of all over the place, started badly (for me) with her basically saying (paraphrasing) "I'm not blaming you, but it's all your fault." My son had warned me it would go this way, so I was a little prepared, but still...this is so hard because I thought we were so close. My son said he'd seen this before with other addicts. He never blamed us for his addiction, though. Always owned that it was all by his own stupid choices. But his sister has a version of her life growing up that I don't recognize. That we were always working and unhappy (I didn't return to work until she was 11 years old). The unhappy part, yes, I had a year from hell that included losing both of my parents within 3 weeks of each other, daughter being hospitalized with a severe illness, husband losing his job then a year later moving way from the home I loved, friends, remaining family, to a place that was clique-ish and unwelcoming. I will admit I was severely depressed that year. But I continued to interact with my kids, they were my sanity. We did fun things together and laughed and and played together. I don't recognize what she portrays at all. She claims she was never happy, she always woke up "not wanting to be here" - I asked, "Even when you were a child?" "Always, mom, as long as I can remember." That can't be true, but I guess if that's what she thinks it doesn't matter what is true.

Anyway, a 3.5 hour conversation, and I find out she is severely anxious all the time, that his is why she self-medicated, because doctors gave her stuff that made it all worse. She has made numerous suicide attempts, OD'd and had to be resuscitated. She claims the opiate abuse has been just the last 3 years, it was alcohol and sometimes xanax before that. She says every minute of every day she is terrified...just terrified, not necessarily any reason. And she NEVER told us, her husband never told us, her close friend never told us. Why, if they love her, didn't they ever pick up the phone and say, hey, your daughter is sick, nearly died, needs your help? We used to joke when she was a kid how she could never keep a secret - birthday and Christmas gifts were usually not surprises - but now, her entire life has been a secret, for close to half her life.

I think in addition to the addiction she might have some underlying physical disorder. Certainly a mental disorder, no doubt. But the description of the physical symptoms of anxiety, that I know predate the drinking and drug abuse, and is very long term - just makes me wonder.

She has no healthcare. Our savings is gone. We will be paying for her treatment. Our state doesn't have any kind of healthcare plan. (Ironically, the state she had lived in for 8 years does have affordable health care even for the poor.)

There are no Nar-Anon meetings anywhere in my area.I need counseling and support. She needs affordable treatment, then long-term needs a full physical exam and mental/emotional therapy. Where do we turn. WE don't have wealthy family...we have very little family, for that matter. I can't borrow money right now. Where do I turn?

Posted by: sad eyes September 2, 2019, 7:50 AM
So sorry you are going through all this, it really stinks, as to where you can turn to I don't really have any answers, I live in a different country altogether, I put my son through rehab 3 1/2 years ago, it was very costly, and I am by myself, so I know I cannot go through that again, I think it's ok them going into rehab 30 days, was costly, it's ok getting clean, it's coming out into the real world and staying clean, it's facing there own demons, and challenges in life, at least your daughter has made the first step, your son sounds that he is doing well in his recovery, just goes to show it can be done, sorry I can't give you any better advice stay strong

Posted by: Sallyanna September 2, 2019, 12:33 PM
Stuckinamonent, guilt is a frequent manipulation tool of a person with an addiction. Just beware because they are master manipulators to get what they want. My opinion is your daughter is in her 30s and she has an addiction SHE needs to address. All the questions and concerns you are having, she should be having herself....She is responsible to get the help she needs. Your son took ownership of his addiction and he's done very well. It doesnt sound to me your daughter is taking ownership of her addiction. The fact she would take time to blame you in anyway, shape, or form is absurd. I hope I don't sound cold however if they are not serious and personally committed to active recovery, they will suck the life out of you and take your last dime. I really hope she is serious and she figures her life out. Its not your job in my opinion.

Posted by: NyToFlorida September 2, 2019, 10:38 PM
They should qualify for Medicaid.?

The drugs they take to self medicate also cause anxiety and depression and a feeling of not wanting to be here

She is newly detoxed. You are not going to have the conversations with the daughter you remember until she is clean for 6 months to a year.

My son blamed our household and his dad as being too fault finding and negative that it caused him anxiety and he stayed out late bc he was avoiding us.

Reality - this was over the past 2 years- the problem was that he was using, therefore had anxiety and his dad was always yelling and fault finding bc he was using drugs, not paying bills, etc. if he was home early and not using we would not have been yelling.

Read a bit at the website

Also watch YouTube videos about addiction and recovery videos. It helped me to see myself in others stories. Has also shown me there is a lot of help out there for my son. HE needs to do this. We have spent many years ‘helping’ him get better - his addiction did not get better. Kept repeating the cycle.

We are not paying for anything this time. There are many people who don’t have money and they find help if they want it bad enough. Maybe they should stay in the other state that does have health care.

I understand this is all a shock to you. And still you are being put in the middle to make decisions.

Keep looking for recovery center type help in near by cities.

Search the Programs and Resources in the tab above.