Anger/abuse
Posted: September 23, 2018, 7:32 AM


Posts: 17
Joined: September 4, 2018



Just asking if the anger part is a normal part of addiction/recovery? My young adult son has used his anger all these years to get what he wants. As soon as he doesn't hear what he wants, his voice changes to anger and he is very manipulative and demanding. I was told this is an abusive way to treat people. I wasn't sure if this will subside once he is in recovery longer or not. Or if this is his personality. Just looking for thoughts and experience.
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Posted: September 23, 2018, 12:13 PM


Posts: 26
Joined: March 28, 2018



My stepdaughter would get angry when her manipulations didnt work.  It never phased me as i realized along ago anger is a selfish emotion that appears when one preceives the world is not doing what it wants or thinks it should do.  (Does not matter if it is justifiable or not.)  


Her father on the other hand would meet her anger with anger (explosive fights which ultimately would be twisted around to me and my kids faults some how) and he would ultimately cave when she would find some loophole to get her out of it all.  Inevitably, his anger would turn to us because the loop hole would always be how the kids and/or i got to <fill in the blank> or because of <fill in the blank on something we said/did> so she thought it was okay.  For example, "well (my daughter) did it and didnt get in trouble."  What was missed was that whatever "infraction" she was accusing us of wasnt related to the fight and wouldnt be an issue in normal people lives but something serious for an addict such as well she went to the party and drank.  I didnt see what was wrong with it me going out and hanging with my friends.  Dont you want me to have friends.  My therapist says you cant take my friends away!"  She being 21 years old and only drinking, while SD wasnt 21 and was drinking AND dropping LSD.)  And what did my daughters drinking legally with friends have anything to do with it?


Sorry for the rant.  Im personally in my own anger phase over it all and still working on adjusting my views to accept i am powerless over her and her actions and to not allow it to affect my life anymore than it already has.  



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Rahne
I battled my own addiction only to be buried by another's...
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Posted: September 23, 2018, 8:59 PM


Posts: 1750
Joined: June 27, 2016



My son is not an angry person. was never a behavior problem. but.. he has learned - on the street and in facilities - that if you want something and you ask nicely, they don't give it to you. get angry and they will. in this case I would say anger plays a part in manipulation. I would say over the years he had used anger to get things. I remember phone conversations when he was asking for $$ and I was interrogating where his money went or if I was questioning something, he would say "Im getting angry, this is pissing me off, your aggravating me" those words are meant to be a 'show stopper' - stop you from continuing whatever you are talking about.

now that he is in recovery, he does not say those things. I was letting him use my debit card when he began working, bc it was part time and I didn't want him to be stressed about gas - going to work and meetings and places with aa friends or getting something for lunch. (the embarrassment of being w several guys at lunch and not being able to buy a sandwich) he did not over use it. as time went on he did not need my debit card, but would still charge for gas once in a while. I would text him to stop and that I want my card back. he would text OK, but not give it back. it tore me up that he would keep doing that, 1-2 times a week. and not give the card back.

I was afraid of face to face confrontation. finally I told him I was getting behind in bills and I can not have surprise debits, I needed the card back. He said "I understand" and gave the card back. but if I did not ask he would not give. a few weeks ago I did ask in person and he said its in the car, I will bring it in later, but he didn't.

my 'mommy' instincts wanted to be there for a safety net. by letting him keep the card. but that is not good for either of us. he needs to budget his cash without my safety net.

conclusion - their learned behavior will continue for a while. but to a lesser degree of intensity. that is what I am seeing..
but everyone is different.






This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on September 23, 2018, 9:04 PM
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Posted: September 24, 2018, 9:34 AM


Posts: 195
Joined: July 6, 2018



My daughter would use her sweet innocent voice but when I would say no she would instantly turn in to a demon. I used to give in to her so she would leave me alone. So she learned what works. She still tries that approach but I have learned to stay strong in mu response.
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Posted: September 24, 2018, 7:13 PM


Posts: 17
Joined: September 4, 2018



Thank you all for your feedback. He was discharged yesterday. Got himself into a predicament but seemed to get out of it then without relapse. He said he felt good spiritually and didn't use.
Today he got his prescriptions filled and immediately called... Said he was not going to continue taking them because it is too expensive. I reminded him of how much he spend on booze in 10 days and his pills didn't cost that much at all. We are helping him with the travel costs to get to his meetings and IOP since he doesn't drive. He is living in a very expensive city and since it is just him money is tight. Esp. after running his credit cards up so high with his booze use.

He wasn't angry when I reminded him of the amount he spent on booze, etc. He seemed to have a better outlook then. The doctor has him on depression/anxiety meds and he really needs to stay on them.
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Posted: September 25, 2018, 9:58 AM


Posts: 384
Joined: October 25, 2016



Low income people that can’t afford their medication can apply for assistance directly to the manufacturer of the drug. Usually the doctor has to fill out a form and they may need to provide proof of income to qualify.

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BUGS
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Posted: September 25, 2018, 10:06 AM


Posts: 384
Joined: October 25, 2016



My son has anger issues but I can’t tell if they are caused by the drugs. He also has mental issues (caused by the drugs?). He has had a short fuse since he was about 14. Abusive, threatening and destructive especially when he doesn’t get his way. Unfortunately I did reinforce the behavior a bit. Tried to be strong but hard when regularly confronted with that kind of hostility. I got tired of calling the police and there seemed to be nothing more I could do to prevent it except to distance myself.

This post has been edited by BugginMe on September 25, 2018, 10:07 AM

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BUGS
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Posted: November 13, 2018, 1:21 AM


Posts: 4
Joined: November 12, 2018



I am at the start of this journey and I am wondering how to deal with my 24 year year old daughters very passive aggressive behaviour, she moved home this week and already the atmosphere in the house has changed and I find myself starting to tiptoe and change my habits ... even with everything that is coming to light I am a happy person by nature, when I wake in the morning I head out to my garden and sing while I potter around before coming in and having a cuppa before I do the housework or write, paint etc... My daughter is not a morning person she does not like to talk to anyone till late afternoon if she has come out of her room at all that is and that's ok I don't have a problem with that, but now she is like your disturbing me why do you have to be so noisy only its not said with words if that makes sense ....How do I deal with the silent treatment do I simply ignore it or address it I dont want to create further tension but nor do I want to feel like a guest in our home that needs to be on her best behaviour I know I cant change her behaviour I am just not sure how to live in this atmosphere with out it affecting how I behave... thank you for your replys
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Posted: November 13, 2018, 9:32 AM


Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018



One of the worse things that can happen is becoming a prisoner in your own home. Write up a 'ground rules' list of maybe 10 items to avoid (early on) the behaviors that affect you and your home. If they violate them then they will need to find another place to live. If not, you will lose your peace and everything else you enjoy and need from your personal and home life.
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Posted: November 13, 2018, 8:12 PM


Posts: 195
Joined: July 6, 2018



My daughter is one mean .... right now. She is sober but is so bitter. Her thoughts are irrational. And I just found out her medical insurance stops tomorrow because she didn't mail in a form.She doesn't want me running her life, until she screws up.
I don't want to run her life. I am so tired of trying to wrestle her to a stable live. It was hard getting her in rehab,it's just as hard dealing with her now.
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Posted: November 13, 2018, 9:31 PM


Posts: 1750
Joined: June 27, 2016



hlrs - you are at the beginning of this addiction / recovery (nightmare) ?
many of us have been going thru this for years.
I suggest starting w trying to enforce basic 'rules'...

she must work at least part time, go to meetings of some sort, see therapist or counselling.
contribute to the house financially (start at 20 or 50 per week) and with chores. of course she should do her own wash and clean room and bathroom. the part about you making noise - daylight is wakeful hours and you are allowed to be awake and use your home as you wish. If she does not like it, she can live elsewhere. She does need to participate with a support group and something to get her with people. if you cant live together start looking for a good sober living home. but be sure it is a good one with programs in place to support the person with getting a job, cooking, cleaning, learning life skills, going to meetings, therapist available.

my son was clean for 3-4 months, then relapse about 2 months. just started a new job, maybe he is getting back on track, hard to tell, he hides very well.

For you - find yourself a therapist/counsellor who has a background in addiction/recovery.

On the other hand, I completely understand how they can make the whole house tense. My son says he gets nervous driving down our road -- so do we (parents) !

On my way home from work my stomach gets in knots. I am nervous when he is home and nervous when he is not home.

I have a hard time talking to him bc I feel he is not going to be receptive or he will be dismissive.

It isn't easy - like dealing w a 16 yr old for the past 10 years (5 in addiction)

Like everyone else, Just tired of it.



This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on November 13, 2018, 9:38 PM
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Posted: November 13, 2018, 10:10 PM


Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018



I think living with an adult child with an addiction is very difficult and can be traumatizing because you never know what to expect. It's ever changing, there's manipulations, lies, trust issues, fear, worry, little consistency, secrets, erratic hours and alot negative emotions.......It's really really hard and it takes a toll on everyone. It's awful and heartbreaking at the same time because we love them so much.
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