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Message Board > Families / Partners of Addicts > Not Ready

Posted by: Sallyanna June 20, 2019, 9:54 PM
Every time I talk to my daughter it's another traumatic event. After we talk, I ask her if she's ready now to get off drugs. Then comes the anger and the irrational comments and excuses. We used to be able to communicate before, now it's not mutual. She feels she has no options where I see options everywhere. Any where really, compared to her current situation. Its hard for me to talk to her because it's so profoundly sad and frustrating.

Posted by: Parenting2 June 20, 2019, 11:43 PM
Hi Sallyann,

It is very frustrating. My son is actually doing better. I wish I knew why he was doing better or some magic bullet. I went through those periods when he was really, really bad-those phone calls and attempts at conversation. All we can do is let go in a healthy way, and stay connected in a healthy way. That's all! Ha ha. Seriously, being a parent of an addict is such a roller coaster. And, the sad thing is we cannot chose for them. I so longed to put my son in a bubble when he was off the rails. I saw danger everywhere and he was charging right into it day after day. Hang in there. Her path is not predictable or easy for her or you. I wish you some peace tonight.

Posted by: sad eyes June 21, 2019, 6:54 AM
I wish I could be so upfront with my son, and say are you ready to get of the drugs, he's just going on doing the normal, ( not really sure what normal is ) working everyday, apart from that hardly does anything, I read somewhere a couple of days ago, ( all drug related) majority of people that do drugs all have under laying issues, when they sort that out the drugs will go, it all seems easy to us, but sadly for addicts it's not that simple, take care of yourself

Posted by: Alexandra’s Mom June 21, 2019, 8:35 AM
Hello Sallyanna. With my daughter it has taken 14 times at rehab, 2 times in jail and being homeless to get her to start making good choices. I understand your frustration and I hope that she starts to make the right choice. My thoughts are with you.

Posted by: Parenting2 June 21, 2019, 3:32 PM
I do believe that mental health issues are the heart of beginning addiction. If you feel okay with yourself and confident and calm and secure, you don't feel that draw towards escaping. Whether it is depression, anxiety, bipolar, or something else, they are seeking relief. But, the drugs/alcohol/whatever are a snake that bites them. Then, the addiction cycle begins and, from what I have read, even their brain changes in response to the drug. IF the mental health issue can be addressed, I believe the drive can lessen, but always a battle. Once they have the habit of coping in that way, they have to be vigilant and replace with something healthy.

I had to learn with my son, that even if it is mental health issues, it is his responsibility to find what works for him besides drugs. It really cannot be an excuse or a pity thing (which I did for awhile), because that won't help him in the long run. Just like someone has a life-changing health issue (like paralysis or amputation, say), they have to decide what they are going to do about it and how they are going to live going forward. It was hard on me because he when he was 17, he would get really upset and say none of the medicine was helping. But, he would miss doc appointments and keep doing street drugs, staying out all night. I finally had to throw in the towel until he wanted it. I spent about $300 on missed appointment fees before I got the message. : )

My son seems to be finding his way in his own way (which is has always been like a jumping bean). He is very vulnerable and still...I hate to say it, but sort of fragile about how the world is and how people approach him. He is growing and maturing and I hope he keeps it up.
I've learned I have to turn it over to what I call "The Great Mystery" (hey, works for me. : ) ). And, like I have said probably a million times, the really HARD thing is that there is no guarantee of the outcome when I let it go. So, I want to hold on because I have the illusion I am "doing something" & keep staying in the drama. But, it never worked and doesn't help.

I still want to wrap him in bubble wrap and take him somewhere safe. I guess parents always feel that way. But, I have to make myself be really tough and take care of myself for this marathon. I do my best to be supportive and loving, without being enabling or unhealthy.

As I have said another million times : ), I have to keep that boundary where I am careful not to take responsibility for what should be his responsibility. A never ending learning process.

The other day, he had his cousin over to look at his car. It was like before he started drugs (he cut out his cousin when he started running with the drug crowd). It was so nice, but I tried to just enjoy that moment, because you never know what tomorrow will bring. I guess just learning and re-learning to detach as much as possible. It was not that long ago, I was visiting him in jail.

Addiction is a really horrible spectre that enters families. We can't underestimate how horrid it is. We all need support and aggressive self-care. Doubly hard is the social stigma & parent-shaming that can occur. We need each other!

Posted by: sad eyes June 22, 2019, 8:12 AM
Yes you are so spot on there parenting with the social stigma that comes with addiction, but I put that down to the people that say comments ie , they just need to stop using, or why would someone do that , my response would' be people need to educate themselves on things that they pass judgement on, clearly they have never been affected by it, I am very carefull as to who I tell about my son, I can only imagine what type of rumours would be circulating at work, if I wasent, also probably judging me to as a mother, I think ime past all that crap, let them think what they want, the people who ,Ayer to me do not judge me, they are here as support for me and my son. Also we had a bit of a family day last Saturday, it's like everything is normal when where out, nice for all the brothers to be together, like you say you have to enjoy the moment, as you don't know what tomorrow will bring, gee I never really write so much, good night all

Posted by: Parenting2 June 23, 2019, 7:34 AM
It helps, Sad Eyes! Takes a little pressure off. : )

Posted by: Sallyanna June 23, 2019, 9:00 AM
Thank you all for your kind words of support and sharing about your children. Also your insights. Its all helpful and as Parenting 2 said we all need each other. So true.

The night after I talked to my daughter she texted me. Said if I could help her find a place that insurance will pay for and take her dog she will go. Then she called me and sounded the most clear I have heard her in a long time. I told her I would help her and I was proud of her for making this decision (tears). Its a start and I feel some hope I hadn't felt in a while. I'm very grateful to hear these words from her. So we are going to work on a plan and set a date once everything is squared away. She has to give 30 days notice to her apartment. I feel some joy too.

Posted by: Alexandra’s Mom June 24, 2019, 8:20 AM
That is great news Sallyanna. I am glad she is seeking the help that she needs. I will keep you in my thoughts that everything keeps going in a positive direction.