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Posts: 384
Joined: October 25, 2016
Posted: July 29, 2018, 11:53 PM
It’s hard to know what to do. My son has been living on the street for about a year. His life was in shambles due to his drug use. He had lost everything. Things have been pretty bad for him but I don’t know if he has hit bottom. I have basically not communicated with him much. He has continued to ask for money and help occasionally. I know being on the street is not easy but I cut him off financially. He never went to rehab and finished a program. Now he seems to be trying to get things together. I guess he decided to stop using or did he? He is saying what I want to hear but is it true. I have no proof nor have I seen any success yet. He says he has a job lined up and a place to stay but needs some interim help. Makes sense but I have been deceived before and have given him too much money over the years. I don’t want to help him anymore. What if I am making a mistake and this is when I should help him. Will I be the cause of his failure if I do nothing? I am feeling a bit trapped like I have been here before with disasterous results. If I do a little something, his need only grows and he never stops asking me for more. Next thing I know the outlay of money has increased beyond what is reasonable. I don’t believe what he says anymore but do think he is not using right now and trying to do the right thing but is that enough to open that door again? Any thoughts? Should I just pray and let him succeed or fail on his own?
This post has been edited by BugginMe on July 30, 2018, 12:29 AM -------------------- BUGS | ||
Posts: 195
Joined: July 6, 2018
Posted: July 30, 2018, 6:56 AM
Buggin,this is the same question that has been driving me crazy. I have searched every where for some kind of answer.
I am in the same boat. I dont believe a word the addict says. We have seen it all before, just waiting for them to screw up again. If you want to help but not get sucked in could you have some else help your son. For example do you want to help with the first month rent .Have some one else handle the money and not let your son know. I really wish I had a third party to be a go between with my daughter. Some one who wouldnt listen to her lies. | ||
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Posts: 195
Joined: July 6, 2018
Posted: July 30, 2018, 8:25 AM
I keeping thinking if our kids would use the same energy to get their act together as they used to get drugs they would be amazing.
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Posted: July 30, 2018, 7:16 PM
Interesting question, about a go-between.....i have thought for quite awhile now that if family members had a "each one reach one" group, we could take turns listening to the b.s. that gets thrown around from our kids Example....i would answer Walkedon calls, she would answer Bugginme calls, nytoflorida would answer my calls.....there would be alot more NO going around, as there are no heart strings attached. Somewhat crazy thinking, but it lightens the load a little. Peace, Libby
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Posts: 195
Joined: July 6, 2018
Posted: July 30, 2018, 7:51 PM
Libby THAT WOULD BE AWESOME
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Posted: July 31, 2018, 9:50 AM
Libby... where can I sign up? :)
-------------------- Rahne I battled my own addiction only to be buried by another's... | ||
Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: July 31, 2018, 8:05 PM
LOL! Believe it or not, these middle people are the people at AA and NA meetings. They are at the rehab, sober living and recovery centers. It all takes the addict to WANT to do it more than WE want them to.
years ago when I went to meetings there was an older woman who did have a family friend act as a middle man and hold her son's paycheck. he did live with her - which she did not like - I think her son was still using. she was not impressed with his progress, but she took her self out of the middle of it. This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on July 31, 2018, 9:20 PM | ||
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: August 1, 2018, 7:42 AM
buggin - It is a tough call - everything you said is true. It is still a emotional roller coaster even when they are trying to do well. Maybe this is the time for your son. I don't want to give false hope. sobriety is a month to month thing. My only advice would be to talk to your son about support people. What is his plan. tell him you will only give x amount. for a limited time. not because you don't want to help, but because you have been taken advantage of so many times. do a little and see where it goes. It is true we can not do this for them. They have to do it. They need the support group of various people to see every day. it gives them someone to talk to and gives them a place to go. something to do. I would not believe it if I did not see it with my own eyes. my son is making these changes. He has a support group. He has gone to many meetings all over town looking for the ones he likes. He is going to appointments AND He can change that at any moment. he has made new friends, goes to meetings everyday, counselor, medical apmts. has met sober people who he does work for - landscaping - occasionally. does things with family members. I hope it lasts. The things he needed were the support people at meetings, counselor, medical attention. His dad is tough on him and causes anxiety. I am too soft and he takes advantage. at home we are still dancing the same dance. but he is dancing a little differently. medically it takes time for the body and brain to think clearly. | ||
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Posted: August 1, 2018, 9:36 AM
I'm a addict we will say anything... when clean I ask my family for support emotionally that's it because I needed nothing when clean. The rehab or place I stayed helped me, we will lie for any amount of help..don't trust him or her. You will no when there clean. You will just no.
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Posts: 195
Joined: July 6, 2018
Posted: August 1, 2018, 10:24 AM
I'm also doing the support "dance". I don't really believe anything my daughter says but I do help her with things that I feel help. At this point its making sure she gets to her pysch appts and gets her meds.
Every day I feel she is manipulating me.Some days I walk away. I never ever give her cash. Its so hard to not to help,especially when she is crying. Then I ask her, what if I die tommorow, what is your plan. | ||
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Posts: 384
Joined: October 25, 2016
Posted: August 1, 2018, 6:59 PM
I decided to give him some money. No way to help in a more controlled manner (long distance). His situation sounds promising but I am being guarded and limiting my help. He is being respectful but of course he wants something. If I don’t see progress toward independence very soon I will pull the plug. I don’t have much tolerance. Problem is that even if he gets things together, there are some loose ends that will eventually come back to bite him. Such as money owed etc. He has dug a hole that is going to be hard to get out of completely.
-------------------- BUGS | ||
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Posts: 195
Joined: July 6, 2018
Posted: August 1, 2018, 9:57 PM
Be strong..and stayed guarded.
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: August 2, 2018, 9:13 PM
Buggs - you are right about the loose ends. there have been dr and counselor copayments, tons of lab bills. I have paid copayments but not the lab bills. they are in my son's name. he does not want to and can not pay. so I pick what I will pay. a loose end credit card collection agency has been calling for years... our son is young enough 28 that if he can turn this around and be paying his own bills, it will be worth it. for now it is day by day.
jump - thanks for posting This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on August 2, 2018, 9:27 PM | ||
Posts: 20
Joined: June 13, 2018
Posted: August 7, 2018, 4:53 PM
Hi my first time posting. Have been reading for months. I have son who is currently in recovery. I feel like everyone deserves a chance. You can drug test before any funds are given. I drug test my son all the time. just a thought you can get test kits for all kinds of drugs online. Trying to be helpful.
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Posted: August 7, 2018, 9:12 PM
Yes, welcome Noodle <3, and thanks for posting jump <3!
It is a very tough situation for mothers. I sometimes look at my other kids and my friends kids. They are able to basically make it at their ages (similar ages). So...I guess, I try to treat him like I do the other kids now. No more excuses and trying to get help. In my case, he does not want help and will not follow through on appointments, etc. Right now, we are really in the tough love boat. It is rough watching those natural consequences roll out. But, in our case, it just was the only way. I think everyone's situation is a little different. We do our best to make the right decision. That is all we can do. Take care of yourselves, everybody! I always try to bounce things off other people in terms of manipulation attempts, healthy behavior, enabling. When you are close to the person, you cannot always see it. I was talking to a friend of mine today about my son. She was being very blunt with me. She told me she has watched me go way above and beyond for him. And, she has seen him do nothing in return. She used the analogy of a drowning person. If you try to save them and they don't want to be saved, they are going to pull you under the water with them. Now, if they WANT to be saved, you can offer many tools to be saved. Right now my son clearly does not want to be saved. : ( Jump, you are so right. I do know when he really is trying to be clean or really want help. Everything else is just the drugs talking and the desire to keep things status quo to keep using. Hugs to all. | ||
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: August 8, 2018, 11:02 PM
Parenting - Sorry that your son is not staying on the path of recovery. I know you have tried so hard. and put a lot of effort into every aspect for your son and rest of the family. Keep it up for yourself. keep putting your planning in place while building in time for you.
there will be a 'round 2' at some point. It is a good feeling to have them back when they are sober. but the waiting is hard to take. waiting for them to want to be clean, waiting for them to relapse.... I think my son has made more progress this time than he has made before, but he still has some mental /emo things that are hard for him to deal with. and recovery is new, so I hope he sticks it out long enough to make more progress. for us this would be round 3 or 4... loosing count. | ||
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Posts: 384
Joined: October 25, 2016
Posted: August 10, 2018, 10:56 AM
Welcome Noodle. Sorry you are here but you will be glad. This forum has helped me tremendously. I can’t drug test him because there is a distance issue. My son is no longer in his 20s so we have kind of moved past the drug testing stage. I no longer try to monitor him or control him. Any money given is pretty much with no strings or expectations attached. That is why he doesn’t get any. I am still learning to say NO. We have severed most of our contact with him and have put distance between us and his problems. Lately there has been more contact because he is trying to make changes ... or so he says. Whether to believe or not believe is the problem. Whether to let him sink or swim on his own without any help from us is the question. Who knows? We just do what our heart feels is right and hope our head is contributing to that decision.
-------------------- BUGS | ||
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