Taking Small Steps
Posted: September 29, 2014, 12:33 PM


Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014



Hi all

So the since my last post I'm getting roller-coaster emotions. It's driving me insane.

Went for a walk this morning to help ease the wild emotions. Today it just feels entirely weird. I am so use to giving a smile when nothing inside feels like smiling. I try my best to see the things that makes me happy. Yet today it is being tested properly.

It the past few years I have worked my behind off to be recognised, respected and to be taken serious when trying to get a point across. So today I got questioned about my loyalty and my word. Apparently I'm not too much of an under dog or scheming myself out of trouble. What makes it worse is when a person tells you that they are fair and they end up being entirely the opposite. Especially when they end up stabbing you in the back. I guess I shouldn't complain about it as it happens to me often

I've wondered if I am prone to be the idiot for falling for people's words. It also makes me wonder if I would end up doing the same one day when I have my own business. It seems like I'm an easy target and easy to manipulate in so many ways. Some times I am lucky and I see it coming and I can get myself away. Through the years and the pain of people misusing me I learned that if they do not make you happy then cut them loose.

It's funny how things, people and emotions change. We had our first thunder for the season and it made me happy. It's cause I forgot about it and it just popped up in my head. It really changed my mood. Sorry like I said I am the joyous crazy freaking emotional roller-coaster for psychos.

Life isn't easy doesn't matter if your an addict or not, if you know about addict and even if you are oblivious towards the world of drugs. Each one of us face a daily challenge, from small to big. Judging someone is not fair especially if you can't see your own faults before judging others.

I have mentioned before that I am working specially hard to keep my anger under control and my freak out sessions. It has really done a difference in me. I still get the times that I can't help but loose myself entirely but I am a person after all and not perfect.

Look at the uniqueness of life and store it in your memory's picture box. Those times that you feel down or ready to go out and get high focus on that until all it better again.

xx
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Posted: October 11, 2014, 10:21 AM


Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014



Hi all

It's relatively going good, better this week than the week before. Been keeping myself busy and not entirely out of innocent trouble.

Started walking on the times that I am off and now I can't go 2 days without walking or at least a good 15 min stretch exercises. Unfortunately I had to take pain killers this week as I have been suffering from a migraine. Buuut I can proudly say that I only been taking what are necessary and not one more than that. There was one day that I took more than what I shouldv'e at once but the pain was insane and I didn't take any during the day which was stupid. With that I realised I really didn't miss the high and definitely didn't like it. It's funny though as I only took 6 and it did it job more than expected but I was happy to know that my system isn't use to it so much any more.

Ok to some it might sound like I am making excuses and yet I am not. I am fighting hard against my body asking for the pain killers or even heroin. I haven't smoked a joint in almost 2 weeks and not craving it one bit as I mentioned before I've never relied on it to keep me functioned. If I could function with a migraine without anything I would do it but it makes things worse and I can't work then. There was a day that I wanted to go and get what ever to rid of a bad emotions. I was extremely close to being in the hospital as I car missed my car literally my a hair length. Before I even know what was happening my foot was already and the break and I still thank God to this day for keeping me save. Afterwards I wanted to use anything strong that would take away the awful feeling, at the same time I prayed that God would keep me from doing something stupid. I did survive the whole thing without taking anything and only with the strength God has given me.

Otherwise I am great full for being where I am today and that no substance are controlling me as a person. I have to accept a lot of things and dealt with a lot of issues that I didn't want to face earlier.

I am so thankful for all of you here and I will keep on checking in every now and again. Now it is time to focus on me and what I want in life. You can contact me via e-mail if I stay away for too long.

Keep strong, believe in yourselves
x
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Posted: November 30, 2014, 3:19 PM


Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014



And here I am again

Everyone has been on my mind lately and I truly hope we all get too where we need to be and deserve to be.

It has truly been a crazy couple of months. I came to realize that I had gotten so busy and had not made time to deal with my emotions especially when it came to dampering them with pills. I've been keeping relatively good as I can't entirely go off pain pills but I can make sure that it does not control me and I don't loose myself.

What brought this on was that I just recently went through something that I couldn't go without pain pills for more than 2 hours. This went on for about 6-7 days. At the end of it when I wanted too take a pill I realised that I didn't need it yet that I can see if the pain would get worse. Honestly I'm surprised that I could put it down and try too stick through the pain as far as possible.

Moving forward doesn't mean too forget the past and that what comes with it. Moving forward is too makes sure that you have learned from the past and do your utmost best not too make the same mistakes.

Everytime I got sober off something I tended to forget too deal with those emotions and not shut them out, and all that I did was turn to something different or too something previously. Now some do not believe but I truly believe in God. I lost hope or made peace with a few things and it was something that I only shared with one person and also with God. Long story short this guy across my path and spoke to me. I believe it was God giving through him a message that I should not loose faith in those things and that I should be patient. It was amazing and that also gave me the strength to keep fighting the urges for the things that we are not meant too take too dull or heighten our senses or emotions.

Since I've been on this site and put a stop too things that are controlling my life, I have been on a path of discovering myself again. I have been living in a state of haze for the past 10 years, entirely lost myself along the way. Things and ways I have thought are lost too me forever has made it back and I have even discovered a good few new things about myself that I am loving.

Getting sober is relatively easy, it is staying sober and on the right path that is harder. There is so many things out there that can be triggers to us all. Learn them and control them, I am still finding triggers that I didn't even know was triggers too me in the past. As I was working last night a song came on that was a major trigger but I knew that part of my life is over and in the past, I am learning from it.

If anyone ever wants to talk or have someone too help them carry their load please feel free to mail me, lily202@outlook.com

We all have habits, we all crap to deal with but it isn't always necessary too carry them alone.
God has proven time and time again how strong and powerful He is too me

God bless you all
xx
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Posted: March 9, 2015, 1:24 AM


Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014



It has truly been a while....Hi all

Can't say that I have that good news from my side. The last 2 months or more has been really really hard. Knowing full well that things can be much worse but it is already bad.

Been falling down a very bad dark hole for a while now and nothing seems to get me out of it. Been taking pain pills again, even if it is around 7 a day it is still bad and it can lead to more or worse. There has been things happening a lot the last couple of months that my emotions nor my heart don't want to deal with. Coming to realization of things are even worse especially if you have put up numerous illusion bubbles for over 10 years.

Worst yet my mind has not been very kind to my feelings either. It's never easy to fight addiction when you are in your own darkest holes.

Like they say chin up, plaster that smile and move forward

:)
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Posted: March 11, 2015, 2:37 PM


Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014



Hi all

It's never easy to tell those who have been with you through everything that you have relapsed on which ever one of your addictions. I doubt any one of us have only one but main one is a definite.

The other week a regular at our place asked me to go join him for a chat and a drink. He thought it was hilarious that I don't drink but yet still went out and drank sparkling water. He was fascinated by the fact that I could sit and talk with him without getting the desire too drink. Honestly I wanted to drink, I wanted too drink everything away but it wouldn't have benefited me what so ever. Already in a dark hole with and that combination would end up being a lot more dangerous.

Yesterday I was having a good day but it all went up in flames when someone but an attack in regards to my personality and it all went down from there. I had to really resist not to go out and get something too take my mind off of everything. I know it was stupid to allow that person too get the better of me but in regards to what was said it really is a touchy subject with me and I was really trying my best yesterday to stay in the good mind of everything.

I saw a piece on Buzzfeed of the most famous self harm blogger a couple of days ago. Something that struck me was the fact that someone went and written that, that girl only wanted attention and there isn't such a thing as depression. I wish at times that people that think that way actually go and read more about those kind of thing before stating such a comment.

Anyway all of the best for those fighting the biggest fight of all, ourselves
x
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Posted: March 19, 2015, 2:07 AM


Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014



Hi all

At times I wish I could truly put my feelings and thoughts into words that would have those around me truly understand but no such luck. You say one word and they hear a whole different meaning and make things worse than what it already is.

Why must everything be such a struggle? Why don't we truly open up to others? Because majority doesn't want to listen nor be there for others and finding the few that does are so rare that when you do they get overwhelmed by everything else.

I have been trying to find my self in this lost world but still every time in look into the mirror, I don't truly know who is looking back at me. Knowing that it will take time to see me again and feel me again but at times I wish I could click my heels like Dorothy and I will recognise myself and find me.

Another thing that's puzzling me and which I am also to blame for, why don't we really open up and talk about everything that has lead too addiction. We shut ourselves away in our own world of pain. But I know from my own experience and cannot talk for others that when I did open up to the few people, I have either gotten judged, blamed or seen pity in their eyes among other things. I have to also state there is a hand full that I have been talking too even if it is only daily happenings and opening up bit by bit that I am so damn greatfull for their patience, support and that they also open up towards me.

x
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Posted: April 18, 2015, 1:42 AM


Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014



Hi all

This site has been a blessing in disguise in a very weird and odd way. That said I cannot truly say that things are going as great as light comes but then darkness over takes with vengeance.

But giving up isn't an option, standing up dusting off and carrying on is the best any of us can do. It is too easy to give up, too give up on everything. A lot is happening where I live and with a lot of people that I care about it. it is not easy too deal with all these negatives so much.

I have crashed and broken into a million pieces over and over for the last few months. I fell back onto something that I said I wouldn't but yet I did. I am working on getting through it and wanting too put it behind me. I have also realised that come this August/September haven't used heroin in 4 years. I wish I could say that I am fully proud of myself for being sober for 4 years but that would be denying the fact that I substituted it with other things would make me a liar and dishonest. Though heroin and cutting has always been the top on the list and my down fall. Acknowledging that I have these problems and trying my best to get through, I know will take time and patience.

I heard some very bad news this week of someone that passed away that was a recovering addict and they are still waiting for the toxicology to see if he OD. My heart goes out too this person's mother as she is sweet and caring. And where ever he is now, he is at peace and not battling the life long battle.

There is heart ache, sadness, violence all over and so much darkness but even if there is only a blip of a light coming through you go towards it, doesn't matter what it take or how long...

xx
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Posted: May 21, 2015, 2:49 PM


Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014



Hi all

It has once again been a month or so that I have posted an entry. I am happy that I have a place where I can put half my thoughts and worries about my addiction which I hope would help guide someone else to their utmost best.

As mentioned in my previous post that it is easier to give up and grumble to pieces than to get back up and put everything back together. At some point in the last 4 months I had to put myself back together over and over. As soon as I thought 'ok, I'm halfway done. Just now the other half' something else broke me further to pieces. What I have only now slowly started to realise that I have lost so much hope and self respect over such a long period of time. It will take long to get myself truly back on my feet. Since I have moved to where I am now, I am slowly finding myself, slowly building my self respect to where it should be..... There has been times in the last 6 months that I didn't know if I would survive, if I would be able to get too work, etc but something always came on my path that carried me to the next day, the next month. With that I have realised my hope in life are becoming stronger, my blinding love in God is growing.

The path that each of us take will be rough, never tire from picking up your pieces and putting yourself back together...

xxx
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Posted: May 30, 2015, 3:28 PM


Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014



Hi all

The past couple of weeks has been yet quite challenging with so many things going wrong...

It's hard normal days to stay focused and move forward and then having things go so wrong that it feels like hard is putting it mildly. I've been getting very edgy and snappy and my mind been lingering on thoughts it should rather stay away from.

I'm leading up to my 4 years being sober from my ultimate favourite choice of drug. There has been days that I want to welcome that warm tingle, longing too feel absolutely nothing other than that warm feeling. There's been days I want to escape everything and everyone with that warm feeling. Then comes those days that I move without thinking about anything, numb with the overload of feelings. There is those days that when it hits I welcome it with open arms, that happiness fills me even if it is only for a fraction of a second. It reminds me that there is still better days to come and should just hang on.

xxx
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Posted: June 3, 2015, 4:36 PM


Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014



Hi all

Some times I don't know how to start but there is so much that I want too share and say but going on and on would not benefit anyone

It's strange how one minute you think you are doing fine and you are getting a handle over your addiction and the next it is totally the opposite. After my last entry that night I were over taken by the urge to go out and high. All that I could think about was going out getting heroin and getting high. The blissfulness of it and what it would bring. It took every once of my will to not move, my body was numb from forcing myself not too move. I knew if I were to move, I will reach for my keys and wallet and go out. Tried so hard to think of other things, good things, the reasons to why I stopped using heroin and all the baggage it bought with it. It's still quite fresh in my mind but I am taking step by step, working on not allowing the world to push me further to getting high and giving up.

There is people that say it is not a disease but it is, it is also mindset.

x
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Posted: August 20, 2015, 2:46 PM


Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014



Hi too all

Didn't realise it has been over 3 months since I have posted on here, now it is about time to give all of those that has been following the entries a bit of an update....

Each of us are on our own kind of journey, to either find ourselves, proof ourselves, a road to recovery either from addiction or which ever the reason. During this journey we learn a lot about ourselves, others, surroundings and sometimes a lot more deeper things. Little things get shown to us during this journey to either challenge us, help us which ever you end up realising at the end.
This is just general talk and I cannot talk for everyone, I have to picked up in my line of work that there are a lot of us on a long though journey.

Will try not too make it too long and draggy that you loose track of the reason behind this post. My very short journey so far in life has taken me to places physically and mentally that I would never be able to explain. No journey can be taken without truly going through challenging time in any and all kinds of forms. I was recently on forced holiday which I fought not too go onto as I didn't feel I needed it. Got back and realised I was slowly heading on a slippery slope if I carried on. During this holiday a lot of emotions came, death were quite a bit part of it and preparing to say goodbey to an important person in my life that I know I won't ever see again was really jarring me too the core. This journey showed me, me again, that everything will be ok. There is a lot of deep intense emotions I can share as well as the ones that are on the surface but I'm not going too.

A very annoying humanly massive fault we all are to blame, are telling people how to live their lives. What to do, what not too do and if they are not around we tell it too everyone else. At the end of the day none of us has that right, just be there for those you are doing it too. No harm in giving advice but at the end we all have to fall even if it is too the deepest, hellish, s*** hole inside us. What matters is too never give up in any aspect of life.

Move forward no matter how difficult, how slow or how hard. Before you know it that something that you been waiting for will just click and you will realise that all this was worth it. Just remember that your journey are never ending, it just ends of changing scenery, circumstances, people but it is every second worth it.

I'm sending all of you a whole bucket full of courage, sunshine and love
xx
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