Taking Small Steps
Posted: August 29, 2014, 3:43 AM


Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014



Hi all

I have decided to keep a diary on here rather than right it in a book again where someone might get hold of it.

I use to keep a dairy about my time that I used but it didn'nt help much cause everytime I read through it I get more angry at myself and just want to use again. Here I know someone might benefit from my writings maybe not immediately but in due time.

So here's my first entry to the recovery diaries.

The drugs I used:
weed, meth, crack, heroin and acid. Meth and crack made me more edgy and annoyed than I what I normally am. Acid just couldn't work to well due to having already having an extremely vivid imagination. Weed was just I don't know the actual natural drug that kept me being me and no one else. Heroin ended up being my COD.

It dulled my senses, kept me from feeling much emotions from others and my own. It helped me to have for the first time in life to actually sleep through a night without dream and being restless.

On both occasions that I got sober my dreams intensified and my restless sleep patterns got worse. After my relapse I tried to go without taking anything. I got so sick very often from lack off sleep and I was too scared to go get weed to sleep. Ended up turning to pain killers to help ease it a bit.

So now after a long time of using pain pills I have came to realise that if I want to make my dreams reality I have to make a step to get off them. I know some said that I should use methadone but that is yet again a chemical that I am putting into my system. I have always made sure to get pure proper weed that is not laced with chemicals and it helped me to calm myself enough to just get the right sleep and rest.

Knowing that i can't just stop drinking the pills I have cut them down from last nigh when I was able to have a smoke first in a while. The little that I slept was a bit more than what I have been getting taking the pills. I don't want to take more pills than what I have too. I am already on tablets that I have to drink for the rest of my life and I don't want too live on pain pills for much longer.

I sometime wondered I far I would've come in my life if I didn't stuck that needle into my veins the first time. Then I realise that, that is the path I had to take to be where I am today, that I am wiser than what I was 10 years back. I have so much life experience in just the little bit I have lived on this earth. God didn't intend to have me go down the addict road but I believe it has been a way that I can tell my story and make others that are not so wise in this world see a bit clearer and be a bit wiser to what a gift God has given us, to LIVE, to be HAPPY even if it is the small things that make you happy.

By taking this first step I believe that God will open much greater doors for me. I am having an interview in the next hour for a better position with a better salary and the opportunity to move forward and enough money to take the necessary steps to get clean from pain pills and stay clean from heroin. In the last few weeks from just being on this site I came to realise that I can handle a big salary and that I won't use it to get heroin but to build on my dream to become a reality.

I have a future with big dreams and I now know with the right support I can make it and I will make it. Knowing it won't be easy but knowing that I have the best behind especailly the love of God

To all of you thank you and the best of luck

xx
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Posted: August 30, 2014, 1:42 PM


Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014



Hi all

One of my first thoughts of the day was where can I go get my pain pills, which place I haven't been in a while. By that thought I wanted to burst out laughing cause it was in an instant that the other little voice slapped me silly saying that you don't need to go.

It sounds silly but it really happened that way and as soon as realised I am really going to make this work I was happy and relieved.

I am now officially more than half'd the dose that I normally drank per day and believe me it's a lot. The last 2 weeks I have easily been drinking 30 pain killers per day by the time I went to bed. I threw out the empty pill containers and knew that I am going to try very hard that this will never ever happen again.

Know that I can make this work. Even with the most I have cut down I have already started with withdrawal symptoms but not so hectic.

I am determined :)
x
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Posted: August 31, 2014, 4:08 PM


Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014



Hi

Ok I have tried to post earlier and I lost the whole writing, just my luck.

Only taken 8 pills today and it was the same dose yesterday. Shouldn't be much surprised that the withdrawal symptoms are a bit worse from last night. Hardly slept in the past 24 hours, am extremely tired and very jittery.

Woke up this morning with only a couple of hours sleep and decided to go for a long walk a long the beach. Just to calm the nerves enough so that I can catch a nap before work. The nap never happened. While I was trying to fall asleep my mind were racing faster than a race horse. I thought about the amount of pills I ended up taking and how much heroin I took before I sobered up from that. I was and am so damn selfish. It didn't bother me if something bad could happen to me. It was only about me and the next high. I'm not a selfish person by nature, I'd rather worry and take care of those around me than myself.

It also didn't dawn on me how I played with my life when I decided to sober up, with no help. Used the one day and the next day I stopped. This time around I am going to slow the doses but it is slightly annoying me cause I'd rather just not buy any pills. Now I have to much to considered if it turns out badly.

This morning I was so happy and felt so good it feels like a life time gone past. At one point I thought of how good it will feel to have not pills in my system but heroin. How it will just ease everything and how much better I would feel. I allowed the thought to linger for small amount of time and then I reminded myself that it will not be worth it. Being so proud of myself this morning for not going to get another bottle of pain pills when I drank the last 8. It would be such a set back I doubt that I would really recover if it were to ever happen.

Really not liking the withdrawal symptoms but I can live with it. I knew this would happen. Just forgot that mentally it is worse than physically. Normally I am a roller coaster of emotions inside, now its just worse.

Been writing on both the heroin and pain pill forum and by the end I delete everything. I didn't have anyone I could turn to when I was getting sober from heroin. Didn't know about NA. I feel ashamed, silly and stupid for even writing all of this. I feel I am being ridiculous about the whole situation and that I don't need anyone. Don't like people worrying about me or knowing such a side of me that they can even use it against me. I have always looked out for others, always strong for other and when I couldn't be, I still tried to be strong.

My finger has gone to the backspace so many times now but I keep on writing none the less. I know and hope that this will someone else in there struggles. Even if it is a family member that is an addict.

Decided that for a while I will only write on the dairy rather from on the forums, it will keep me from bombing it out. If anyone want to talk or just want an ear to listen you can reach me by this mail: lily202@outlook.com

God thank you for the love and care you have given me. Thank you that You are still here after everything I have done. You have given me strength, hope and love. Please look after us all x
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Posted: September 1, 2014, 4:38 PM


Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014



Hi all

So today didn't go as I hoped it would. To be honest I actually didn't want to post anything today, it was a constant battle of should I post or not. But decided that I cannot do to this right if I don't keep to the daily dairy entries at least.

The morning was really being annoyed by stupid things. As I read one of the posts were someone mentioned if you want to go off from pain pills, it is best to go off it slowly rather from pulling a cold turkey. It doesn't work for me at all. Got another bottle of pain pills with the intention to only take 6 cause I want too try and go off it in doses. I ended up taking 12 I think, it can be a little bit more.

After another restless night I hoped that it would help me catch a nap before my shift. It only got me a bit high and 20 minutes of sleep. And even with those few minutes it was filled with very busy dreams. I was so annoyed and angry at myself for taking more than what I wanted to originally. Decided that it is all or nothing like it always is with me. Whatever is left of the bottle will be left till it is actually necessary to take the pills. But only when it really gets bad only then will I take the pills. I have done it before I started drinking it constantly and so much of it.

Even with that amount in my body and besides the restless sleep and the lack of it, I have this one specific withdrawal symptom that is extremely annoying. It feels like my spine are being pulled to every side that it can go. And it feels like its taking all the stress from the rest of my body. But I know it will slightly ease with time.

I am still hopeful to hear good news about the interview from Friday but until then I will keep focusing on taking day by day. Today was just not my day, not liking the internal turmoil that has been running through me the whole day.

The day is almost over and just maybe, just maybe I would get a few hours of sleep in me.

One foot in front of the other
x
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Posted: September 2, 2014, 6:12 PM


Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014



Hi hi


Yesterday was quiet a bit of a set back for me but I definitely made up for it today.


Officially in over 24 hours I have not taken one pain pill. Didn't sleep all that much but I am getting use to it again. Tried to take a hot shower to ease the growing ache in my spine. I kept myself busy with day-to-day task but at one point it got just to much, I smoked a tiny joint and it helped to ease the ache.


With all this I kept on looking at the bottle on the counter and kept in mind if I take any I would probably take more than what I should. I am taking control. Drinking a lot of liquids as well as more than enough water. Struggling to eat, don't really have much of an appetite but I do try to eat something every few hours even if it is only a little bit. I'm going to try and go for walks more, it ease my mind a bit just not so much the restlessness.


I got asked this question by someone that I respect I would like to share this. After you get clean is there and end to the addiction? Now I am only talking for myself. There is no end, I have to learn to deal with it, accept that I am an addict and can fall into addiction any time. I can however try like hell that it doesn't happen, to keep myself busy and positive. Focus on that what makes me happy. When I have a good day to enjoy it as it is and not think of what I will do when the bad days come


All and all today went much better and I am feeling good that I kept strong so far. Will take things as it comes my way and step by step


x
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Posted: September 4, 2014, 1:27 AM


Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014



Hi hi all

So far the day has gone relatively not bad. I once again have not taken any pills.

Been very jittery and extremely nervous, one hell of a bundle of nervous. It is slightly annoying that I can't post when I want to but I guess that is a very good thing.

Not going to linger on my withdrawal symptoms as it is my own doing. Apparently I'm not so easy to understand but some take the time to except me for me.

The last few days this site has inspired me and kept me motivated. Every time I thinking of taking a pill or feel that things are too much I come onto the site and I know I can do it. I know that I am not alone and that I do have people to can relate to what I am going through.

Now before I found this site, I found another where you get to talk to a mentor about addictions. Hell was I wrong for hoping it would help or that they would understand. The person that replied to me and ended up mailing me a few times didn't understand heroin addiction or even tried to talk to me about it. It went straight to religion and the last mail he sent me made me feel like he was scrutinizing my believes in God.

Am I not to believe in God the way that I see the world? Am I just fooling myself? I have been judge, mocked and scrutinized by people that doesn't make time to know me or try to understand how I see the world. I have given myself fully over to God, to guide me, help me and when I fall to show me back to the right way. I have asked God to help me carry the addict in me and help me not to stumble but when I do to help me get back up. I can't always be strong.

It made me realize that I was wrong in trying to open to this mentor and that am so glad that I found this site. Where there are those who are addicts and those who are families of addicts. I respect all of you on here for opening up and sharing your stories, it the hopes that it would help someone else. It has helped me so much I can't even start to describe it, God has lead me to this site to have people that I relate too so that I can get through this and stay sober.

Be safe and God bless
x

Hi all

I'm writing all in one for 2 days. Got a bit busy and I couldn't leave a post last night.

The day has started beautifully with an awesome sunny day ahead. I hope the good feeling will last through the day. Felt horrible when I eventually got into bed. The temptation to take a couple of pills were there and one point it was quiet strong. As I'm having an early morning and all that I wanted to do was sleep. Sleep didn't come what so ever. Eventually my focus were on the guy next door's snoring and tried to take breath to bring sleep. As soon as I start to relax my mind start reeling to crap. What a way to keep yourself busy while you are trying to fall asleep. Getting use to constant ache in my spine but hopefully that will go away in a few days.


Going to keep the good hopes up and if or when the low comes I will ride it out like I did last night.

Be good all
x
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Posted: September 7, 2014, 4:56 AM


Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014



Hi to everyone

It's been strange not to have written a post in the last couple of days.

Late last night I decided I want to write something slightly different. It's funny how I think of my true feelings that I would like to write down only late at night and when I am struggling to sleep. So I was up writing this rather from hoping it will stick in my mind until I get a chance to leave a post.

Oh what it disappointment.....

Tried being bulimic but yet it didn't matter how I looked it's how empty I emotionally felt.
Drinking became an absolute joy...
Weed made me more in love and appreciate everything...
Acid made my world real but yet the swirling walls just didn't do it.
Meth kept me more awake but yet I didn't need it just came naturally all the time.

Heroin oh heroin released me of all my worries about the world, all the love I have for everyone and everything, it dosed the pain and sadness I felt from those around me, it kept my dreams in a dark box, it made me selfish, careless and dangerous. It rob me of me

Sweet sweet alcohol it hid my guilt until eventually I couldn't run from my very dark hole.

Felt so lonely I turned back to what help me feel nothing or next too nothing. Heroin my old friend. Only to realise after a very bad loss that my life deserve much more and I finally hopefully said goodbye

Only too turn to pain killers after a while, kept it up till I knew I can't achieve what I want in life unless I stop

So after being clean for four days I thought let me take some pain pills again only too know it will never give me what is truly meant for me, it will not love me, it will never care for me and it will never make me happy. There isn't much that can fill the hole but until then I am accepting it for the first time in my life. God has blessed me with so much already that I am surprised that He still looks after me and answer my prayers

It's disappointing to know how I tend to let others down and even more.......... myself

But too survive and fight I will..

xx
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Posted: September 8, 2014, 1:14 PM


Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014



Hi all

It's quite amazing to see there is a few people that are reading my almost daily posts. I truly hope that it has helped someone a bit.

This kinda popped up a while back with someone that mentioned that it doesn't sound like I didn't have such a hard time before I hit rock bottom. Just to highlight on it that the person meant well when they asked and it was a valid question.

I tend not to linger on the worst things that could've happened to me. After every time I sobered up it dawns on me what could've happened.

During the first time being on heroin my 'friend' heard that one of our dealers wants to date me. He tend insisted that I date the dealer so that we can get heroin. We got into such a fight over it that I had to leave him to cool off.

On another occasion we were already on meth for the 4th day running. My friend dragged me all over town cause he was dead set that the police were after us and that there are mugshots out of our faces all over town. I guess normally in any kind of freak out session I always tended to be the one that were the cool headed one.

I use to dive and for those who has gone diving will know it is extremely dangerous to go diving with drugs in your system. Well I went diving with a huge amount of alcohol and heroin in my system, obviously survived it. As soon as I got home I just high again.

My friend dealt with very bad dealers before we met and started hanging out. These guys eventually started hassling him. After he left town I had to face them, especially since he busted them to the cops. They followed me most the times and sometimes pitched up at work only to show that they are watching me. On a few occasions to would get me in the street and keep on asking where this friend of mine was. It took them a month to get off my back to actually believe what I was telling them

My time being on heroin are even till today very hazy and some stories melt into one another.

With my relapse I calculated everything very carefully. The place to get the dealer, change it as soon as the place get to hot with potential cops. When to go, the cover up story if a cop were to stop us. I stole from work as I was in charge of the money but I always made sure to return it as soon as I can get the money back.

I had a lot of family and friend losses that year and I took alcohol to a whole new level. That when I was drunk I had to take a great amount of pills just to ease the heroin craving. If only I knew that as soon as I stopped drinking, that most my friends would hardly every come around and the lonely feeling would get worse. That is relatively why I turned too heroin.

The amount of lies I had to tell to make sure my a** were covered properly. An old friend of mine that came to visit which knew I am a recovering addict didn't even notice the track marks or the bruises on my arms. I felt beyond empty, lonely and that I will never see the light of anything again in my life. I had a lot of suicide thoughts running through my head during that time. From a previous post on one of the Forums I told you about a very good friend that committed suicide. Which got me so angry cause just earlier that week he told me how much he loved me and cared about me (he was like a father to me and he wanted him to be at my wedding one day). Till this day I still don't understand it fully and am still angry with him. But his suicide made me realize that putting those I love through so much hurt as what he has done to us will break me even more. That was relatively my rock bottom that I hit when I decided to get sober.

I tend to shut things out of my mind and heart that hurts me so badly that I want to crawl up in a ball and die. Also tend to forget of the things that has led me to get sober from heroin the last time around. It is good to have reminders every now and again. Unfortunately I can't trend on it too much otherwise I get depressed.

But now I have come to realise that I got to remind myself every now and again of the things that led to me getting sober and to what it can lead to if I turn back to anything that can lead to heroin or go directly to heroin.

All respect to those who had to go through worse to hit rock bottom. And utmost respect for working on getting sober
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Posted: September 9, 2014, 2:36 PM


Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014



Hi toooo all

Today has been a very fruitful day and been flabbergasted

Realised its been a bit more than 2 days that I haven't taken any pills or gotten any cravings for it or heroin. And to make the day even better I gotten a second interview with the company that I applied to a couple of weeks ago. I thought that I didn't get it and wanted to start looking for something else in the meantime. It really took me by surprise.

During the last couple of days I have only been focusing on the day ahead and keeping myself busy. I have been getting withdrawing but tried to see it as the flu or something. If I keep on focusing on not using, the more I want to use.

Felt so helpless last night. Went out for a smoke and this guy comes and sit close by. Now a car guard in the area came to me a few minutes earlier complaining that this guy is smoking meth in the street and he was very upset with this guy. Since I have smoked meth till today I can smell it very quickly if its smoked close by. This guy were high and the vapours were coming off him strong. As he asked about the weather he keeps on talking as if I didn't give an answer, he was worried it was going to rain as he doesn't have a house to stay at and he has been thrown out of the halfway house he was staying at.

I felt so helpless as I knew what I ever advise I give him, his gotten it a lot more from others. It really broke my heart to know he isn't the only one living like that and he choose that path all by himself. That there is nothing I can do to help him to make it right.

There is some that might not know this, the form of meth I am talking about is really cheap, the effects are much stronger and it last longer. That is why so many people are addicted to it especially people that lives on the street. If I liked uppers as much as I like downers I probably would've ended up using that. I did use that but it just made my normal restlessness worse.

xx
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Posted: September 11, 2014, 2:17 AM


Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014



Hi all

Hope everyone is doing good today. It's a beautiful day here and I am so glad to have a sober mind the really appreciate it.

I work in the middle of a busy city and I have been told since drugs flow so freely and easy to get that I should think twice about staying in the city. My response to that is if you want drugs which ever one you prefer and doesn't matter where you are, you will get your hands on it.

My first time around using heroin, I had a friend that we used together. This friend of mine made me promise that I will never go out and get any by myself. At that moment I thought it was because my friend were protective over me but I realised it was all about the fact this will loose out on a high. I had spending money saved away for a trip oversees which was already booked and paid for. That spending money was a gift from family and friends as well as a bit from working my behind off. We ended up using majority of the money in less than a week to get high as much as possible. I had to ask for more spending money from family and friends. Sometimes I still feel so bad about as it was such a waste. I got a life time chance to really go out and have and treat myself but I wasted it on getting high.

During all that time that was the most money that I wangled out of family and friends for heroin. I worked my behind off to pay for studies and to get high. I still can't believe that I actually survived that year on mostly drugs and hardly any food.

A family friend's mother use to say that if God's angels weren't working overtime with us she wouldn't know what would happen to us. I like to think and believe that God had very patient and extremely strong angels working overtime to keep me safe.
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Posted: September 13, 2014, 12:59 PM


Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014



Hi all

Had such a great couple of days and was so happy that I wasn't once thinking of taking pills.

I did however open up a lot more to a very close friend of mine that know of my addiction towards heroin. Told about the pain pills and how much. It felt so good to talk too a friend and not be judge. Spend a couple of days there and quite a few times the conversation shifted to drugs in general. This friend got so close to falling into the addiction life that me opening up has helped with having perspective.

It was asked if I have any marks and if the marks on my one arm are from injecting heroin, I showed my friend my other arm. My one arm looks like it has a constant bruise by the veins but it is from either having the needle to hot, to using the same needle a few times or burning it. I tend to get a sharp pain in my arm, it's sometimes so bad that I can't hold anything heavy in that arm.

I know that I went through muscle more than once. Pierced my muscle in my arm so bad the one time that I couldn't move my arm for 3 days.

Only looking ahead now and am so happy. A friend that has been clean from heroin about 4 years had a baby 2 days ago. This friend had a much worse time than me and been in and out of rehab and jail quite a few times. Was so glad to hear how things are going good and that this friend are moving forward now. It gave me more hope.

May God be with you all :)
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Posted: September 14, 2014, 2:18 PM


Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014



Hi all

Hope that somewhere or where ever MotherW are, I want to thank you for your dairies that you posted on here. I had to bite my lip just to get the tears in my eyes not to run down my face.

Me and my mother has an extremely strong bond. When I did heroin it killed a piece of my soul when I had to tell her about my addiction. Being so far away from her I know she does worry about me, especially that I am in the area where I was introduced to heroin. Sometimes I want to tell her about my relapse from a 3 years ago and the pill addiction that I am working on kicking at the moment. Yet something stop me short from telling her or my father. They don't deserve to be hurt any further than what they already have. I dread the day that I have to say goodbye too them on their death beds. My dad doesn't know about my addiction, he will have a heart attack. He doesn't see me as an adult, when I look into his eyes I still see the 5 year old snuggling up on his lap to get a big bear hug.

I have made peace about the thought of never telling either of them. I can see the turmoil in my own mother's eyes whenever I bring up the subject of addiction. Yet at times I can also see that see appreciate it that I open up a little bit more. It is my burden to carry not hers nor my his.

To all of those who have addicts part of their live, that are hurting you so much....
I respect you and my prayers are with you, you deserve more than someone that can be controlled by addiction. You deserve the most purest love, peace and happiness. May God carry you, give you strength when you are weak, lead you, give you peace and most importantly love you for all you do

x
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Posted: September 17, 2014, 12:57 PM


Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014



Hi all

I'm not entirely going to talk about addiction or precisely drugs.

From my last post, I've been hanging about my dearest old friend the black hole. I had 2 guys dealing right in front of me right after the post I left. I was so angry I wanted to smash their faces in or at least grab the stuff and flush it. From there my mind kept on reeling in dark places.

I know I suffer from mild depression but I mostly try my best that it doesn't get me too down. Focus on the things that matter the most to me but every time I do it keeps on ending on the wrong subject.

Never have I felt I belonged anywhere, my school is having a reunion shortly and most are posting photos on the site. I can hardly recognise half those people. Majority are married and have kids, for some bizarre reason I can't recognise some of the people. What makes it so strange is that I know I was in classes with some of those people, I know that I had sports with them and even on the same team but I just can't remember much of them. It just shows how much heroin damaged my memory or I decided to block out most. School wasn't always that great for me. Never fitted in, not even with the geeks or the weirdo's either way I was able to go to most clicks and be able to keep a conversation running. Till today that is how it is, I don't have a group of people that I fit with and it can get lonesome. There is no one that can relate to the subjects I talk about or the way I think. People or well my friends don't understand me but they learn how to deal with me. Didn't know you got to learn to deal with your friends.

Apparently I am a deep thinker, which I get reminded a few times by a good friend. Then I get told I am weird and crazy. It got so normal to hear it that the one place I started a job I decided I'm going to see how long it will take a person to bring that word up. Met this guy that I worked with and it took him a whole 10 min to tell me I am crazy. Funny enough I spoke to him like I do to any one else.

Staring out the window from my work place are both fascinating and depressing. I see so many people walk past, all from different parts of the world. All from different cultures and back grounds. All have their own life story to tell. I like to wonder if these people see themselves as normal or do they class themselves. What is normal? What does it feel like to have a normal life?

The last 3 nights every time I close my eyes I try to see myself in a life with another person, sharing a bed, a house and bringing up our children. And every time my mind turn blank. Me and a friend joked around cause this friend needed advise to why she feels so out of it for the last few weeks. The joke came that I always have advise but for that I can't give advise cause that is how I am.

Any ways thank you for reading my diary entries, hopefully this one will help me a bit too see the light at the end. It's awfully dark the last few days. I know I take too much on my plate, care too much for others and always try to help. Just a shame that I can't always do that for myself
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Posted: September 18, 2014, 2:15 PM


Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014



Hi all

Worked very hard at trying not to linger around my black hole today. So far it's slightly going better today than the last few days.

I wish I can say that I am over a week clean but I can't. Had to take pain pills for a couple of days due to a lingering headache. There is a good explanation for it but it is a bit too personal to explain. Can't really remember when last I had a good nights sleep but I am getting use too it now.

It looks like I have been punched in both my eyes with black lines underneath it but foundation are a great miracle worker. Did start drinking coconut oil with honey in hot water as it been said it slightly helps if you struggle with sleep. So far no help. Most nights I'm aware of everything around me but I still tend to dream in that state. Had a few bad dreams and it added to me lingering around my black hole.

Something that I haven't really shared on this site other than mention it once on the other addictions forum: I tend to cut myself. It's all open book as last night driving home and being extremely down, my mind were lingering on it. I haven't cut myself in about 5 months. It comes and goes that I want the pain that I feel in my heart to be physical and not only emotional. It annoys me when I do it but I never seem to help it. I got very bad scares where no one can see it but it keeps me from wearing certain clothes.

Tend to over think everything in my life and my future which is not always a good thing. I'm nowhere close to being in a relationship but I can't help thinking about it. Think about what the guy that would be part of the rest of my life, would say about my addiction, about my issues, about the marks that is left from cutting. Then someone told me that I shouldn't be so hard on myself as that person will also have his past, his own wars and his own issues. It really has eased the uncertainty about it a bit. I know we all have our own wars, own issues and history to live with.

So last night when I tried to sleep I kept on telling myself that I will be ok, I will reach my dream, I will get up tomorrow and change my routine, I will find love one day (even if it is not any time soon), I will be better than ok and I will survive with God's help. I kept on thinking of that friend of mine that committed suicide and how he took the easy road rather from at least try to fight to survive. Now lately I really do try to keep my mind on positive things, on positive things for the future. I am still waiting to hear about the job as they are not done with interviews and it has really worked on my nerves.

Yesterday I didn't see the point of staying clean. Working so hard and constantly trying to survive through each day are so damn tiring but today I can at least say that I know I will get through this and I know I will have days like the last few days. It's just to get use to it again and riding it through and coming out at the top.

Some days I wonder where would I have been if I didn't take that first shot of heroin, who would I have been. Would I have been married already? Be in a different place than where I am now? At the end we all have our destinies and we are where we must be at the end of the day. Even if it takes longer than what it should've but we are where we are for good reasons. Heroin only prolonged my destiny, it took me down a very different route and one day I would be able to tell my children about how good but extremely dangerous drugs are and what it can do to you.

Today I will pass on my love, my kindness, my smile to all of you. To all of you that are in the same hole but different stories to tell, my heart goes out to you, my prayers are always there with you, be strong there will be goodness and happiness with due time
x
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Posted: September 19, 2014, 2:51 PM


Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014



Hi all

The day has turned out quite good. Last night someone were playing the saxophone on the street, although it wasn't perfect I truly enjoyed the continuous few songs that he played. Eventually some idiot went and told the guy to move as his making a noise, it's in the middle of the city. There's noise everywhere. But none the less I didn't let that get to me, I kept on playing the songs over and over in my head. I'm old fashioned in that sense, Jazz just put pure happiness in my veins. I felt that God sent him to make me smile.

The last week I've been trying to put dates together and try and remember a bit more from when I was on heroin. My head are such a mess when it comes to the times I was high on heroin. I never realised that because of heroin a lot of my memories from school and just a few years after school just before I started using heroin are all messed up. It's like the file system up there has decided that it won't file it accordingly. Generally I am very good with remembering things especially work. It annoys me that I can't remember a lot of things from that year or when I relapsed.

It can also be with the whole mixing of drugs that could've caused it. There was days that we mixed crack with heroin, would smoke crack first and then shoot heroin after a half an hour. I didn't use so much crack as my friend but there was always heroin around for me. Crack and crystal meth didn't do me very good. My friend had to go and get us weed the one time that we had to wait to get heroin just after we smoked as I was a mass of nerves and couldn't get myself to calm down.

One thing that always amazed me is that I always had money for heroin, ALWAYS. First time around using I wasted that savings money and after that I made sure that I would have enough money from work to get my high. After my friend left it wasn't a problem, always had enough money. Hardly ever ate, slept most the times. Funny enough I couldn't always escape my dreams or some other things. It was easier to have someone there to share it with.

A lot of my friends was worried about me because I kept on loosing so much weight and they hardly ever saw me eat. The nights I didn't get high off heroin or I couldn't get any I would drink just as much.

In the past I didn't like lingering on the memories of when I used heroin, it only made me crave it a lot more. Tried most the time to push it into the back of my head. With the escalating pain pills abuse and finding this site I realised that I should'nt put it so far in the dark corners of my mind. It only make the cravings so much worse. It's been so good to share my stories with you all. It has definitely helped me a lot.

My body is feeling the strain of lack of sleep today. I can hardly keep my eyes open but as soon as my head hit the pillow I can't sleep. Normally when I had a very odd and weird dream it upsets me in general as I can't do anything about it. Today when it happened I let it roll around my a head a bit and let it go to somewhere where it won't allow it effects to upset me.

Here's a happy thought I am going to share with you today. Love my rock music especially Christian rock as well as Jazz. Listen to music that speaks to you. I always say that genre that you listen to speaks to your soul and keeps you happy. Find a song that makes you happy and play it a with times, it will definitely brighten up your day

This post has been edited by Lily101 on September 19, 2014, 2:56 PM
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Posted: September 21, 2014, 3:55 AM


Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014



Hi everyone

Hope you all are doing ok and getting through what ever battle you are fighting

Building the courage to read through the stuff I written about my time on heroin. I written a lot after my first time using as well as during my relapse. It tends to hit a raw nerve when I read it but I want to read it again. Before my relapse I read up a lot about heroin and the stuff I written. It kinda gave the old spark, I started to miss the feeling of being high. The void it filled, the fact that I could actually catch a little bit of sleep. This time around I will be reading it as a reminder of what it created in me, of what I lost and that I could loose so much more.

For the past week I hardly craved pain pills. The times I walked past a pharmacy there is always that spark of going in and getting the pills. It is slowly fading. I use to get up in the mornings and know that I have to go get pills as I drank the last ones the night before. I hated how it controlled my mind, how powerless I was towards it. I am so glad that it is not my first thought of the morning now. For the past week or so some of my colleagues and friends been commenting on how radiant I look and how good I look. Even though they don't know the war I am constantly fighting, that their remarks has really boasted my confidence and my state of mind.

It's funny how we as people tend to forget that the person, stranger, family member or friend are fighting their own battles. If we see a stranger that looks beautiful or smell good or got something on them that are beautiful we only keep it to ourself's. By giving that person a compliment it also does us good to see the happiness it brings too that person. When you receive a compliment don't try and rectify it or say it's an old thing, only say thank you and smile. It does us all good to give and receive compliments.

Tried to get on here last night but it was a good thing. Otherwise I would've ended up complaining about crap and been negative. Had such a bad night of no sleep. What so funny about my insomnia is not the fact that I drink quite a bit of caffeine but it all comes down to my mind hardly ever want to shut off. It doesn't matter if it's good thoughts or bad thoughts. I have tried everything in the book now to help me sleep but it works for a couple of nights then it's back to square one. My night wasn't bad in the sense of no sleep but more of the fact that I kept on lingering on bad thoughts.

Thoughts of a sibling that breaks my heart, my trust and my respect over and over. I mentioned somewhere that I am the youngest in the whole family. Apparently being the youngest you must bend to those who are older but yet those who are older behave worse than teenagers. My thought of family has been shattered over and over and over, over the years. But in our family there are only 2 people that try hard to keep everyone relatively close together, my mother and me. My sibling has always twisted everything back to me being at fault or disrespectful. Me and my dad both have very short tempers but I learned to pick it up and calm down before it goes out of control. Me and him had a year of hell as I questioned his standards and his opinions when I was in high school. Now that I am older we can sit and talk about it better and we love each other so so much. Sorry ran off subject there a bit. My sibling and an aunt of mine loves telling me that I am a spoiled brat. Funny that it is entirely the opposite. I don't get my parents to bend their lives to fit mine, I don't get them to agree to something they don't like. The only times I hear from my sibling is when there is something needed from me or my help. This is even funnier as there is no addiction but I am the addict but I still managed to survive on my own. I fight my battles relatively alone. I thought that by now I would be use to it, use to the fact that so many people come into my life and take a piece by piece of my heart and as soon as they have gotten their fill I am nothing more than a very distant memory, a used rag ready for the bin. It seems that I just can't learn from the constant thing, I keep on hoping that it would change. That people, friends would be different. I keep on hoping that the childhood memories that I have of family and friends would be the same now that I am older. I got to remember that everyone grows apart, their own lives are more important than those of family. When ever I stand up against my sibling and show the faults, I am the one being stupid and full of crap. That I just got to accept things as it is. When I do decide not to bend myself stupid I hurt myself even more, I get very angry, I upset my parents. It's funny how my siblings can get me to feel so guilty when I have done nothing wrong other than stand up for my parents or the things I believe in. The last 2 years feel like we have grown more apart than ever, we gotten in such a bad fight that we refused to speak to each other for over a week. When we did talk it was entirely my fault for the fight.

Anyway's this is kinda what kept me up most the night with much more than what I told you above. Eventually I got up and tried to calm my mind and keep it on positive things, things that I love, things that makes me happy. Here's something people forget when they say the following saying: small things amuses small minds. Small things are the best part of the big things and it forms the best big picture in life. The small things are the things we tend to miss and those are the best bits.

I am happy today even with the small bad dip that I had last night.
x

This post has been edited by Lily101 on September 21, 2014, 3:57 AM
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Posted: September 22, 2014, 1:04 PM


Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014



Hi all

Been wondering if I should leave a post or not today. Not really a reason to it. I have realised that just by these entries and seeing that there is people reading (I hope) the posts, that the weight of this secret has lightened so much.

Knowing that someday's it would feel that there is no good for being clean and sober. Yet days like today I know I would over come those days and I will stay strong. Taking power back over my life are now more important than anything.

I've always wanted to fix things for people, help them with whatever they struggle with. Help people carry their burdens. To keep myself sane and from falling of the wagon I am learning not to take so much on my plate all at the same time. It's all about balancing everything out and not to worry about what you have no control over. That has also been a bit of a problem.

Today I am happy for where I am and that I am sober.
x
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Posted: September 23, 2014, 1:37 PM


Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014



Hi all

So today has started out great, felt good and I kept myself well busy.

Getting my nerves together to go through my old writings as I mentioned in one of my earlier postings. I feel that it will do me very good but I know I have to do it in a place that I feel safe and comfortable. Where it can go where it must on not linger on what I written nor the state of mind I was in.

I am trying to stay in my good place in my mind but it's really hard today. Gotten a call today about a couple of family members that I love dearly. In whatever situation they are in I know there is nothing that I can do but pray and hope that they will be fine. I use too and still do fear the day that my parents will be gone for good. Think about how I would handle it and that I wouldn't want to go alone through it. It has been a constant fear since I can remember. I would freak out as soon as one of them have to go in for a small operation. Today with that call it just brought it all crashing down on me.

Am working on not fretting about it that much, it really isn't easy. The emotion is not a good one and don't want the feel like that. I'm getting goosebumps where I am sitting and writing this. Normally I would've thought of going out and getting high but that thought didn't pop up today and for that I am so happy.

What does frustrate me is that every time I put my head on the pillow, I think of things that I want to share with you all. Never write it down cause I think I will remember, it seems today it has taken the highway and ran away to some other holder in my head.

Going back to what I was saying about my writings. I don't know what I will get in there but I feel that it is going to make me stronger this time around. One thing that I cannot do yet, is to watch movies of people addicted to heroin. It really struck home with some of them and it is some times a bit too realistic. I know some day I would be able to watch it without feeling guilty, ashamed of myself.

So this morning I was shuffling through a whole stack of papers, books and too others my general crap. I found a whole stack of papers with sayings on there, metaphors to keep me positive. Found quite a lot of my drawings and ran down memory lane with a photo album. It was great. Sorted it out and it felt so great when I was finished with the stack. I'm trying not too plan to far ahead and too focus only the day ahead.

Focus on the day ahead and in the moment that is what I am working on now
x
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Posted: September 24, 2014, 1:58 PM


Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014



Hi all

Ended up reading a few of my writings. It was interesting to see in what state of mind I was. There is one that I written 8 pages long of my step by step of going out and getting high. In very much detail.

So here's a little about what I wrote
I written it during my first time around on heroin. I have been using heroin for round about 5 months then. Reading it didn't bring memories back or cravings (which in an awesome way are great). It did bring memories back but not in the sense of how good it was. I was beyond depressed. The piece are dark very dark. I forgot that there came a point that I hoped I would overdose and die and that I didn't have too take any more. Wanted it to happen as a mistake and not on purpose. I prayed that God would take my life. I talk crap load but never about my true deep feelings. Either feel that no one would understand or I will be a massive burden to them. That is why I never looked for help. Wanted to get clean but at the same time I didn't. In this specific piece I was trying to get off heroin. I can't always remember the excruciating pain I had when I didn't have heroin in me but till today I still get the crawling feeling in my skin. Never ever want to feel it again, never want to go through that again. I have had suicide thoughts but never like what I written in there, never did I pray to die like that. At some point I knew I would be leaving the area and that just was my way of seeing that I would use till then. Which I did and when I was getting sober it wasn't pretty. No one understood why I was jittery, cold and sweating. Everyone thought I had the flu.

Reading that piece made me sad. Sad of how lost I can get and how painful things can be. It made me realise that I really never want to be in that state of mind. Friends kinda knew but never asked, never gave the indication or I was entirely shutting them out in the caring department. Even though the piece made me sad I feel good that I can read through it and not crave heroin at all. I also read another piece which was only a few lines. It was just before my relapse I think. I kept on writing how bad I craved heroin and that every time I get drunk it doesn't ease the cravings. There was my sign that I should get help but I didn't and ended up relapsing.

So please be patient as I'm probably going to linger a lot on those writings. I need to go through them and need to finally make peace with that life once lived of mine. I feel that I can't truly move forward if I haven't made peace and didn't face my past. If I really don't want to relapse I will have to face it and not hide. I respect that most of you prefer suggesting NA but I can't face so many people. I will also make their stories mine as in carrying their burdens, stress, pain and conflict. For me it is best to do the one on one. Simply explained, I make other people's problems, worries, conflicts, battles, etc my own. By trying to help others I end up loosing myself. Currently I am working on only extending just enough before getting myself lost.

Now even with all of this that I read this morning, it didn't really get me down. I watched something that made me happy. Took a nap before starting work and I don't know if I should say I wish I didn't. After I woke up from a long intense dream I have been in total jitters and nerves. The dream was weird and upsetting. Through the whole dream no one gave any indication of my existence, didn't matter what happened. It really shook the inside of me. The later it gets the more the feeling are going away. It also annoyed me when I noticed the bags under my eyes. I'm getting use to the little sleep again but don't always like seeing bags under my eyes.

With my writings of yesterday, after I posted it I found out there was a third shoe to be dropped. That one of my friends are in the hospital and not doing all so good. I might one day tell the story of how we became friends. It saddens me even more as she doesn't she the point in living but yet when I talk of people dying she freaks out. It's a very long story and like I said maybe one day I would share it with you all.

I feel much better after this and I REALLY APPRECIATE it all. I can see that people are reading my posts and all of you are welcome to mail me direct. I never to my back and always willing to give an ear.

God will carry, God will get me through this. He is my salvation, He is my sanctuary, through Him I can overcome my own demons
x

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Posted: September 28, 2014, 1:53 AM


Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014



Hi all

It's been a few days since I've left a post. Surviving the days with a smile and some times with a fake smile.

One of my colleagues opened up a bit to me as she smokes weed every now and again. Quite a young girl. She also mentioned that she would like to explore with other drugs. Without giving away much I told her that it would be a very stupid idea especially of what drugs she mentioned. Explained to her that yes it would be a great feeling but with time that great feeling consumes your every thought and every action. It is not even worth testing it out.

Hope she takes my advise or at least think about the consequences.

The last few days has been a roller-coaster of hectic emotions. Especially yesterday. Woke up with a very sad and depressed fog hanging over my heart. Majority of my friends had their own things going on as I wanted to spend the day with friends that make me happy. So I ended up deciding that I would go to one of my favourite places that takes away all bad emotions, the beach. As I was awake extremely earlier I made my way to the beach as soon as the sun peeked it's head out over the hills and the rainy clouds. What really made my day and what made me extremely happy, was that through the whole time to the beach and back home...... I was blessed with rainbows. I have never seen so many in such a short time, 6 rainbows. Each time I feel my mood dipping I notice a rainbow. It's doesn't matter if it rains, snows or sunny, if I feel down the beach has been my comfort zone for my emotions. It always feel that every time a tide pulls out, it takes all the bad feelings out of me. And when new waves return it feels that I am being filled with new refresh happy feelings. The big open space allows my thoughts to roam far and return refreshed. This is the best especially when I feel trapped and confined in my own mind and space.

So it helps to get away or out of the house on those bad days. Linger too much on the bad or on the thoughts of using isn't good and it helps to get out.

I've been so upset and angry that I can't find a new job, it gotten worse when I saw my payslip. Every month are a struggle to survive and I'm not using any more. That is what gets me. When I used, doesn't matter what, I always had money. I know all too good that living the right road aren't always easy but hell this is really getting to me. Everything costs money. Oh well with due time everything will work out as it must. Can't always rush greatness but while working towards it, you can definitely learn a few good tips to use when you get there.

Have a great one all
x
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