Descent Back Into Hell...
Posted: February 22, 2008, 10:35 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



I met a friend for lunch today who is a recovering addict. She asked me how long my daughter had clean. I said I couldnít recall exactly Ė used to be I could quote the exact minute!! I told her I was trying to focus on my own recovery. She knew I meant recovering from being co-dependent. She laughed and asked how much time I had. I smiled and told her, "Iím a mom." That ache that lives in our heart never really goes away. The scars are permanent. They lessen over time and arenít quite as shiny or red as they used to be, but they are always, always there Ė reminding us of the blood that once spilled.


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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: February 29, 2008, 10:34 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



Everyone experiences that moment when they hear a certain song on the radio and they are flashbacked to a moment in time. I just heard the song, You Raise Me Up, sung by Selah. Wow!! It gave me pause and I peeked back to several years ago and there I was. Pitiful, pitiful, pitiful. I could not only see me on the outside, but I could see me on the inside. Sitting in my car on my lunch break, working 50 miles from home, parked in the lot of a grocery store. It was like an igloo around me Ė snow pushed up along the sides of the parking lot and an icy cold wind breathing down my neck. And I was colder on the inside than the outside!! A daughter who was 3000 miles away shooting up heroin everyday, and I pretty much quit living the day I found out. Look at that woman! Isolated, filled with hopelessness and depression and still desperately trying to find a way to fix her daughter, when she is the one who is broken!! Sad. Then, ďYou Raise Me UpĒ plays on the radio. It was a while before I was raised up.

Wow Ė what a memory.

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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: March 16, 2008, 10:09 AM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



Sometimes when I wake up in the morning, I canít believe my life has evolved to where it is. Yes, I am in a good place. My soul is at peace - most of the time. See, even though my daughter has over 2 years clean off heroin and is working as a case manager at a drug rehab facility, I still sometimes wonder ďwhat if she picks up again.Ē Címon!! These thoughts should be history!! Then I remember that my recovery works day-by-day, too. I have to check myself and remember that I cannot control her behaviors Ė I can only control mine. And then I get back to my peace. So, today is a good day.

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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: March 23, 2008, 8:16 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



Addiction is hard to understand, but whatís harder to understand is how this world keeps turning when there are those of us with children or loved ones who struggle with a disease that forces them into the most dangerous places to cop some dope, who are putting a possibly lethal dose of heroin into their arm or neck or wherever they can find a vein thatís not yet collapsed. The world keeps spinning, people keep smiling while our world has stopped. For the sake of work and family and friends, we will put on the face to go along with everyone else, but inside, we are desperately broken.

But, amazingly, as I reflect back, I actually begin to understand and realize perhaps this mechanism of ďlife goes onĒ is part of what is needed to force us to go forward and to get ourselves together. Seeing those smiling faces and seeing life being lived starts to look pretty darn good and then we can begin to climb up out of the hole we have dug ourselves into. Funny how that works.


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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: April 4, 2008, 7:28 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



Sometimes I just get so tired, so very tired. Sometimes I would just like to pack up my jeep and my dog and just go. I donít want to talk, or listen to anyone, or even think. Just driveÖ.away. So many might say how thankful I should be my daughter is clean. I am thankful. But it doesnít end with being clean. When we do get to stop???!! When?? I need HER to let go of me. Maybe I just need a vacation.

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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: April 8, 2008, 10:49 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



How well do our old wounds really heal? My heart choked up again tonight. My daughter who works at a drug rehab facility told me she took a call tonight. It was from a mother who was desparately trying to find some help for her son. My stomach felt sick. My daughter said the womanís voice was nearly ready to crack but she was trying to keep it together. Told my daughter her son had overdosed off heroin and was in the hospital but would be getting out tomorrow. What could she do for him? Is he under 18 my daughter asked. No, he is an adult, but she just wanted to try to find him some help.

Here I am, just sitting home enjoying a nice evening and this motherís world was falling apart. So many mothers worlds are falling apart. I just want her to know it doesnít have to. I just wish I could have told her she doesnít have to go that place. But, like each of us, she is going to have to travel that long and very painful road on her own. May God help her and strengthen her and guide her to where she needs to be.

This post has been edited by MotherW on April 8, 2008, 10:50 PM

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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: April 29, 2008, 9:20 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



Itís my birthday today and as I reflect on my life, I canít help but think of the one thing that has had the biggest and most traumatic impact on my life. Miss Heroin was an unwelcome and uninvited guest who stayed way too long.

But, as uninvited and as unwelcome as she was, I can also say that she, unwittingly, pushed me to a place I needed to be. It made me see some ugly stuff about myself and it caused me to changeÖfor the better. Now, donít get me wrong, Iím not bragging her up by any means, nor I am wishing for a visit from her again anytime soon Ė Iím just saying, the old b**** didnít take me down, but instead taught me to see.


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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: May 8, 2008, 7:09 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



Love. To most of the people out there, this emotion is probably one that brings smiles to their hearts. Sure, they have had their share of broken romances and even felt the loss of a loved one.

But when your child is a heroin addict, love isnít such a grand feeling. Sometimes you wish you could just detach from that emotion, but you canít. You love them anyway and the pain in your heart is nearly unbearable Ė much more painful that the heartache of a broken romance. As long as our child is filling their veins with heroin, the grief hangs on and the nagging fear of death haunts the hollows of our hearts - while a widow only mourns for a season.

Jenny is doing well in her recovery and I am doing well in mine, but the path we shared has left an unequivocal fissure in my soul. And thatís okay. Itís that deep cut that will always remind me of where God has brought me.

This post has been edited by MotherW on May 9, 2008, 10:27 PM

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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: May 22, 2008, 9:43 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



This old world keeps on turning and I turn right along with it. It feels good to be part of itÖmost of the time. My son just told me about a call he went on the other night for a heroin overdose at a fast food restaurant. The guy had been shooting up in the stall and fell face first off the stool onto the floor. My son was instructed to block the door to keep people out until it was known if the guy was going to live or die because then that would determine if it would be a crime scene. So, my son stood outside the door while people went in and out of the restaurant, ordering food to go or to eat in, whatever. The world just kept right on turning while a motherís nightmare was manifesting itself inside the dirty stall of a bathroom.

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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: June 10, 2008, 10:47 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



Iíve been singing quite a bit lately Ė not that I can carry a note, but I do it anyway. But, I hadnít done it in a very, very long time. Now, the song comes out without me even thinking about it and my dog looks at me like it hurts her ears! Thatís a good thing, though. I quit singing when addiction came into my world. I quit living when addiction came into my world. Singing never felt so good!

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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: June 27, 2008, 10:13 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



The horrors of addiction will forever haunt my heart, lurking silently in the background of my life. Itís a part of me now that I have adjusted to. Sometimes I smile to myself when Iím talking to a CEO or CFO at our company or to a righteous Christian acquaintance and I wonder what would they say if they knew they pain I bore when my daughter was copping dope in the seedy alleyways of the west side, then cooking it up and putting it in her arm. Would they think less of me? Then I think that I donít really care if they would because that experience, despite its horrors, has made me appreciate life so much more than I ever knew that I could. Then I wonder, "What kind of battle scars do they carry?"

This post has been edited by MotherW on June 27, 2008, 10:14 PM

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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: July 15, 2008, 9:56 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



I used to be angry that we couldnít just turn back time Ė just hit a button and push rewind, or fast forward and cut through all this crap. But I know I really wouldnít want it any other way. Itís those things in the past Ė the good and bad Ė that make us who we are. The horrible gut wrenching pain and the buoyant blithe of joy creates dimension and character in our spirits. We are not like the flatliners who clearly have never felt the sting of pain or the challenges of life. You know the type Ė the ones whose mommy and daddy fix all their mistakes so they donít even know they made a mistake. They have no substance. Itís us who have endured and learned and survived, it is us who take it one day at a time whose countenance reflects the depths of our soul and makes others want some of what we got. Yes - in the words of Queen (and to be a little corny!!) ďWe are the champions!Ē and we have a lot to offer the world.

This post has been edited by MotherW on July 15, 2008, 9:58 PM

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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: July 24, 2008, 10:35 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



There was a time when I wondered if the reason I'm doing okay is just because my daughter is clean. And, I can honestly say that even if she picked up again tomorrow, I will, indeed, be okay. Iíve grown in my recovery and the walk has been a very long and enlightening one and I know I have a lot of walking left to do - a lifetime's worth.

Our children's actions are going to affect our lives as long as we are their parents. Accepting that and then recognizing our boundaries is where growth lies. Of course, we are going to be doing better when they are doing well, and when they arenít, we are going to feel it. But, the thing is and what I believe recovery for me is all about, is that I know unequivocally that I will never step down into hell again. Sure, if she picks up again, my heart will skip a beat, my stomach will turn and that rubber legged feeling will take hold Ė but only for a moment. Iím not going back in that deep dark pit ever again. I donít want to. I never want to miss out on Christmas carols or turkey again or laughing with a friend at dinner or sloppy joes with onion. Iíve found a place of peace from which Iíve gained strength and I thank God for that.

This post has been edited by MotherW on July 24, 2008, 10:36 PM

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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: August 10, 2008, 8:39 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



Jennifer shared something with me lastnight that really took hold of my soul and made me feel like maybe I did do one thing right in dealing with this addiction crap - I loved her anyway. She said that when she was using, the thing that kept tugging at her soul and making it so hard for her to use was that she just ďwanted her mom.Ē My love could touch her even at 3000 miles away while she was shooting up in the hole of an apartment she shared with the guy that first injected her with the stuff. She said she would just keep trying to fill up her feelings with heroin so she didnít have to think about it, but she said in the end, all she wanted was her mom.

I guess what I am trying to stay is that maybe this poem I wrote so long ago actually has something to say:

LOVE CONQUERS ALL
Do you know, child of mine, how you broke my heart.
Do you know, child of mine, why did you ever start?

My insides quivered, please let this be a lie!
Not again, I can't do it; please help me stand.
My soul aches so, pain permeates inside.
Dear child of mine, wish you would have ran.

Another night with little sleep, can't shut off my mind.
Thoughts tear at my dreams, refusing me peace.
Wish I could just turn back time, just push rewind.
Stop all this grief, close my eyes, lose the beast.

Oh, dear God, I can't pick myself up any more
You gotta help, my legs are weak, my spirit broke.
Just taking my next breath is a deathly chore.
Sorrow is just too hard to take, I can't stay afloat.

I close my eyes and try to remember yesterday,
I held you in my arms and you smelled so sweet
Happy child, beautiful girl, then life got in the way.
You ran into a merciless drug you couldn't beat.

I wait now for the track lines to disappear,
I wait now for your sweet spirit to return.
Trying so with all my soul to hide my fear.
Praying so hard my knees begin to burn.

Will the light shine for us again tomorrow?
It hurts to see you so wounded and scared.
Very soon, there will be no more sorrow.
Your momma's here, I'm not going anywhere.

God hears a mother's plea on bended knee,
He feels our pain and sees our tears.
He hears my pleas, I know He won't let it be.
Love conquers all, and will set you free.

Do you know, child of mine, how you lifted my heart.
Do you know, child of mine, I loved you right from the start.

This post has been edited by MotherW on August 10, 2008, 9:13 PM

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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: August 15, 2008, 10:15 AM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



I was lying in bed lastnight and for some sick and crazy reason was trying to imagine if my daughter was back out on the streets using, could I fall asleep? I remembered how hard that was for me back in the day. Then, of course, my thoughts ran to ďwhat if she is using?Ē And then my thoughts started to scatter and for a moment, panic tried to take hold.

Then I began to wonder how far along I really am in my recovery. Anyway, and this is what I tell myself, the darkness and the silence of the night always seems to make things more intense. Still, I couldnít escape the thoughts of my own progression. If I could make my heart race and panic set in by my own thoughts Ė how far have I really come? I believe I have some serious work to do.

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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: August 23, 2008, 10:52 AM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



Lastnight Jenny called to tell me she and her boyfriend had to leave a festival because for some unknown reason she was throwing up. The first thought in my head was heroin. Iíve heard this from her in the past when she was using. I wanted to go on-line and look at her bank account, I wanted to keep talking to her to hear that catch in her voice that I know so well, I wanted to run up to Chicago and see her. But, I didnít do any of those things and this morning I feel good. I feel good about myself and I hope the best for her always. But, Iím not going to focus on what sheís doing or isnít doing Ė instead, Iím getting ready to go on-line and see whatís playing at the movies and then Iím going shopping for a new dresser. Life is good for me today.

This post has been edited by MotherW on August 23, 2008, 10:53 AM

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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: September 4, 2008, 8:31 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



The time has come for me to close this chapter of my journey. Iíve reached a comfortable plateau in my recovery. It has been a very, very long and incredibly painful journey and a trip I know I am destined to travel for all my daysÖand Iím okay with that. This climb up out of hell has certainly not only made me stronger, but wiser. I can look back at that place where I was and I no longer fear it nor do I resent it, but instead, recognize the value of it.

As I read the posts and hear the stories of so many tragically broken-hearted and hopeless parents of addicts, my heart will feel their pain to the core of my being. I can easily slip into where they are and I wish with all my being that they would follow me out. But, this journey has showed me that each of us has to find our own way and in our own time.

I will have my moments, I will slip Ė I have no delusions about that. My soul is battle-scarred but my spirit, well, my spirit, it laughs out loud Ė from the gut!!

Godspeed to you all.


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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: July 12, 2009, 1:41 AM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



My "comfortable" plateau, well, it shook a little today and I slipped...lost my footing for a brief moment. My daughter's "friend" who introduced her to heroin contacted my daughter. The hold he has on her is still there. So I slipped. I had that feeling in my stomach like a fist coming at me, but then it missed. You know, that feeling like your stomach drops. Panic rushed into my throat and every nerve stood on end! I thought, where the hell is my recovery? I got myself together and took my eyes off her situation and looked at me and I didn't like what I saw! I threw my tennis shoes on, grabbed my dog and walked and walked and walked and talked to God. And, I'm okay.

I simply refuse, REFUSE to go back into that place where I was. I just can't ... I want to live and I love life!



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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: August 13, 2009, 9:12 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



I am not that strong. I wonder what parent of an addict really is that strong? Is there truly any parent that doesn't always hang on to a little bit of fear about their addict's recovery? Do we really "let go?"

I am not that strong. I don't want to live thru active addiction again. The reality is that things can change in a heartbeat ... one precious heartbeat. Reality sort of sucks...and I'm just not that strong.

My daughter's not picked up again...but I don't like how she's talking. And it bothers me that it bothers me. I'm disappointed in myself. That I'm not that strong. Thoughts of "what if" brings me to tears. What kind of recovery is that? How far have I really come?

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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Posted: August 29, 2009, 8:43 PM


Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005



Itís been eye-opening for me in the sense that I really am not as strong as what I thought I was. I guess you could say I went through some ďturbulenceĒ but I didnít crash!! It was a bumpy ride for me for a moment, I was scared and I cried, but I landed safely!! Time for me to refocus myself. To really get back to living.

For the first time in my life, I'm volunteering! On a regular basis at that!! I've been volunteering at a homeless shelter for women and children. I love it!! These people have given me more than I could ever give them!! I've grown to genuinely love these people - the women, their children, the other ladies who volunteer and the staff. These women with their children who have such hope when they don't even have their own bed! Check in by 6 pm and check out by 7 am. They are amazing. This little girl came into the shelter with her mom lastnight, dancing and singing "We got a house, we got a house." And she kept singing it and was so happy. Her mom said they finally got an apartment and would be moving in on Monday! Hope!

It feels good to be in this place.

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"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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