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Message Board > Recovery Diaries > The Comfy Place To Fall-not

Posted by: Notagain!! October 11, 2014, 7:05 PM
I am probably 14 years late on this site. My 29 year old son used drugs while in his court sentenced long term treatment program. He then had a warrant put out for his arrest and for 1 1/2 months our family watched him lie, steal, and eventually escalate his drug use to include cocaine, mj and Meth. Oh, he had to use the meth because he was working two jobs and did not have enough time to sleep. yeah......."Mom, what was I doing wrong?" I called the police and had him picked up as "his plan" to earn enough money to get his own attorney was a joke.

He is now in jail for 24 months and then another 8 months in the work house for probation violations. I wonder if he even thinks he can recover-be free of drugs and alcohol. It has been a very ingrained behavior. His addiction is very deep. And so was/is my enabling behaviors. I am on day one of my recovery.

I went to see him today in jail and there were no tears as for the first time he let me see his addiction and how my behavior was not helping. "mom, what was I doing wrong?" "I was working 2 jobs and trying to pay my own bills!" Dan, do you hear how ridiculous that have a 2 year sentence over your head, you have a good job, girlfriend, family relationships rebuilding.........and lets use drugs to avoid screwing that up? He looked at me like a deer in the headlights.

I love my son. I was a huge enabler in the past. Initially paying his bills years ago and handling the credit card debit he racked up by stealing those little checks they send in the mail. Probably close to 60K. I spent 5 years paying that off. I helped him buy 2 cars which he did not have very long as he was in jail usually within 5-6 months each time he was out. I was able to sell them, so no big deal. Whatever. A year ago he rolled his car and we all thought that would scare him straight, but no. A son of an ER nurse has heard those stories b/4.

My son began his huge spiral into drugs in 9th grade and has been in and out of jail since his graduation from HS> 10 years now. My ex and I got divorced that year. WE never could work together in how we dealt with dan in his HS years. His new girlfriend/wife did not like me and certainly did not agree with how I handled things. I did over compensate for his lack of involvement for many years.

As the years have gone by, I have grown stronger, but my son and I have a very good pattern. He goes to jail, I make him comfy, he gets out, and goes back..........repeat. Well after our visit today when his addiction and I met face to face, I found this web site, the letter "let me fall", and started my recovery. I love him. I hope he can do this.....but, I am ready to let him go and Let God take over. I have always told him that God was there and that when the doors were slamming around him, HE was there letting him know he was on the wrong path. But, I elbowed God out of the way, a hockey mom never forgets how to do that.

I wrote the following letter today:

Dear Son:

I love you so much. And as I have been learning, I have not given you the opportunity recover from your addiction.

I am learning new ways of handling my anxiety with letting you do this on your own. It has always been the two of us, but; it is time that you do this on your own. No help from me. I know you can do this. I do think this might be the very most important part of your, mine, and our family recovery. YOU MUST DO THIS ON YOUR OWN!!! YOU MUST FEEL THE PAIN THAT WILL MAKE YOU SEE THAT YOU DO NOT EVER WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH DRUGS OR ALCOHOL. They only take and never give.

XXX XXXX has two friends that come to the jail whom have helped him so much. If you get to the point where you really want to live clean, they can help mentor you and will come to the jail for you. XXX has chosen to have a life and has been clean 7 years? I think he said. He is very supportive. Let me know when you are ready to talk with them.

XXXXX sends encouragement.

Dad, your sister and I are learning to handle things differently. We talk and make decisions together as they help me not enable you and stop your progress.

We have this 2 year opportunity to really do this. As a family we will take this two years to work on our stuff and I pray that you will too.

Some times I wonder if you think that you can't do it. That you can never get free. But, you can. The tools are out there for you. But, you have to be 110% committed to never using any chemical again. There has to be nothing that is more important than being free from drugs and alcohol. Not us. Not a woman. Not a situation. Not a thing that is more important than your life without drugs and alcohol where everything and anything is possible.

In the next 2 years, I am not going to be sending you money to make your life easier-enabling behavior. I will not be paying your bills. Yes, you never asked me to, but you knew I would-enabling behavior. I will have money on the call bank, but I will only talk with you once a week-8pm on Mondays-healthy behavior. I will come to visit when I can to encourage and support you, but my relationship with XXXX is my first priority-healthy behavior.

I will be getting counseling on how I can be your mom and not someone who enables you. I will do everything I can to get the rest of the family to learn what their roles are in your addiction. Mine is the scape goat/enabler. Everyone blamed me for what was happening to you and despite the choices you made were yours, I took the blame and hits for you. I am going to stop doing that. I want my son back. That guy everyone loves to be with. Smart. Funny. Sensitive. I will do anything that it takes. I am 110% committed to you and your health and your place in our family.

Here is a letter I found on my recovery web site. I am serious. This letter told me what it takes for you to be free and I know you can be

If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my a** to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ... Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ... The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ... I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ... I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.

I love you.

Your Mother.

I have already got so much help from reading the posts from others here. I am sure the next 2 years will be a challenge, but can they be any worse than all the others. My limits and boundaries are going to be tested by him. I have the letter I wrote to him in my purse to pull it out when I need strength.

I plan to start going to NA anon this sunday. And it begins.

Posted by: Notagain!! October 12, 2014, 9:02 PM
The man I see in jail is so not the young man I know. He is the guy you want to be around when he is sober, but this guy in jail wants to lie to a judge that he has gone to treatment! Who is that guy---he's an addict. He is letting me see him for the first time. No hiding. I am not afraid! I love the young man who is under that addiction. God loves him more. The battle is raging on. I am more convinced than ever that my enabling behavior is not what he needs-I can't save him. I can't help. This is his battle and I pray he wins.

Posted by: Notagain!! October 13, 2014, 9:26 PM
I am in enabler withdrawal. I wrote my son and told him things are changing. He has not got the letter yet and he calls 10 x /day or more. Each time he calls and I don't answer I feel it gives him another opportunity to recover. At first I turned the ringer off. Now I hear it and the calls are coming less. He's getting it -things are changing! I am/have let go. He must do this on his own! For the first time! Really.

His dad was never very present. It was just his sister, dan, and I. We got thru everything together. I have over compensated for their dad's lack of physical/emotional presence all their lives. Dan seemed hurt the most. His sister was more like her dad and just did not show her pain so much on the surface. His sister said during the divorce that it was dan and I and her and her dad. Dan certainly is more sensitive/open w/his emotions. He struggled w/ADHD, anxiety, and depression. We finally got him on medication for the first time and I had hoped that would be our answer. With each trip to jail, we got thru it together. That's what we would say. We have done it together -offend-jail-repeat. This will be his 3rd time to prison. I would make it easier for him/me. Phone calls/canteen money/books/visits/TV. Damn near a vacation.

Now -he is on his own!! It has been hard hearing the phone ring and not answering. But this is his life. I just keeping reading the letter I wrote him with "Let me fall all by myself."

Do it dan!!!

Posted by: Notagain!! October 14, 2014, 10:23 PM
I was at work all day today-12hrs-fast paced ER. I kept my phone in my purse all day. I know dan has not got the letter I wrote yet-probably tomorrow. He calls 10-20 times a day. Each time I don't answer it gives me strength and i have kept the limits I set! Feels good but this is only the beginning.

I talk to so many addicts everyday -each one I look and imagine my son-is this one my son. I see everyday that he may never get thru this. But I got to believe that he is under that weight of addiction!! Come on dan!!! Do it!!

I feel that there are so many who have gone ahead and am so grateful for all the pain so many have already survived thru. I know if dan gets lost in addiction that I will miss him hugely but I have not really seen that young man in years. He was such a great guy-funny-so caring/sweet/kind/hard worker/loved his family. Would just come and hang out. I hate drugs-what it has done to him/our family.

I want my son back!! I love you D--(tears)

Posted by: Notagain!! October 15, 2014, 10:45 PM
Well today I worked out for first time in a while. I talked w/my daughter about what is going on. Then I decided to take the call from my son! He is going to court on Friday and I told him I won't be there as I am working. He said he is going to tell the judge what happened. He says he does not want to use any more-it is so easy to say in jail. Thankfully he will have 8 months in work house when he gets out in 2yrs. I hope that can bridge the reality gap for him. He still is angry I called in his warrant. "I just wanted to stay out until after (his sisters) wedding -6/2015-he was going to run until then!! Crazy!!

He tried to get into an argument on whether he was/was not taking responsibility -I told him I was not going to discuss that. Some of the call felt strong -some did not. It is hard! And then it did feel good to hear his voice sounding more like him.

Posted by: Notagain!! October 17, 2014, 9:36 AM
So I decided to give dan $10 so he can get some paper/envelopes/stamps to write his two employers. Initially I felt a gut check -did I do it again? I let him know that this was not going to happen regularly and to not ask me for any money. We talked about my letter and he gets it but we both know we both have to work day to day on our individual recovery!! We are staring this thing in the face -he told me everything I already knew about his use. He saw I did not crumble or run. I told him that he was loved and that his use is not going to be tolerated at any level. If he wants to be a part of the family-he has to be totally committed and we do too! I talked with his dad and grandparents that there can not be any "it's ok at the cabin" stuff. It is part of the "cabin culture"-so if dan struggles with that he is going to have to work that out. There is a lot of work we have to do!! But dan is worth it! There was a time when dans dad said he would no longer help pay for counseling-9th grade after dan got kicked out of HS for dealing pot. (Oh that is a crazy story.) The counselor wanted his dad to participate and he said no. So I started the mega over compensation!!

Dan goes to court today. I am not going. I literally get sick to my stomach! He is going to be honest w/judge and accept responsibility . That it my son peaking out. He knows he needs relapse help when he gets out. Those first 6 months the hardest!! Me too dan!! All of us dan!!

Posted by: Notagain!! October 19, 2014, 7:10 AM
I have found amazing strength since I have brought my enabling behavior/dans relapse out of the dark!!! Talking about what has been going on I realize how I have neglected myself for so long! I can work extra shifts real easy-not real fun-but I could. I would then help dan feel comfy in jail and then help him when he got out. Well as I list out loud in my car all I have done this last 6months I realize --1: I don't want to work more-2: I want to go on vacation-3: have fun w/grand babies, 3: work on my house-4: go to some concerts-----I DONT HAVE LEFT OVER CASH to HELP DAN!!! And I dont want to go into debit for anything at 56!!! So when dan asks me for cash I am going to keep MY goals in front!!

No phone calls-peace!!

Dan went to court and got a public defender-next date October 27

Posted by: Notagain!! October 20, 2014, 2:19 PM
Today is Monday -the day I would take a call from my son. He sounded more clear-off drugs and sleeping now x almost two weeks. I told him I appreciated him doing as I asked. He asked for money and I told him I had no extra ... Then added especially now that I have to make a car payment I did not intend on plus insurance $350/month until I sell it. "Well mom, if you would have bailed me out you would not be in this spot." I laughed-so because you used drugs, failed a UA,got a warrant, and cont to use more drugs, and I called in your warrant-it is my fault I am in this spot? "Well, it is what it is." Yup -thank god he has two years-maybe he will get it-then again-maybe not. But I am getting it more so every day. I have reconnected with myself-I often talk out loud in the car to hear my words out loud!! It often makes me laugh as I realize how manipulative addicts can be and how hard it is for them to see their enabler making changes!! I still have to be super vigilant with my son. We have a very well established pattern. I am grateful for phone calls only 5 mins. This is work, but I feel stronger as more and more days go by not crumbling. Stay strong -I am worth it-my boyfriend is worth it-my daughter/grand babies are worth it!!

Posted by: Notagain!! October 21, 2014, 9:29 PM
It's been a quiet day. Went to the doctor-chest pain -stress hard on the body. All good -actually I am doing really good by the numbers. It's nice getting support-taking care of my self. But today I was just tired. It is emotionally hard work and I am actually looking forward to working hard the next 2days! Need to stay focused on life and living.

I think the reality that my son just likes doing drugs and will be dealing this all his life is a reality. But it's his reality-not mine and he will run into the buzz saw if he wants to do that are our family. Not going to happen---Ahhhh free will. Not again!!!!

Posted by: Notagain!! October 23, 2014, 7:11 AM
Work is a good thing. I have stopped looking at each addict I care for as potentially my son. I need to have hope. I think the hard part is accepting that he really does not want to stop at this point -that he actually said that in 10-15 years if someone had some good stuff, he would use again-try it. He really feels he has controll over it and that the consequences are not bad enough to let it go. Crazy to imagin, but I guess I do know of many people w/that thinking at all walks of life.

I am grateful for my limits I have set. I have taken a call one time other than Thursday but found that he cont to blame me-so re-enforced my goals of peace. It is getting easier not having to worry about him now that he is in jail. Funny how much energy I was putting into it without even knowing.

I have been reconnecting w/my spiritual side. Music especially helps. Casting crowns-East to West -you tube check it out!!!

Posted by: Notagain!! October 26, 2014, 2:04 PM
Working and have been out of town-I missed writing.

So since was last here-my son called and said he might get a another shot at treatment. I hate to say I like him jail. Life is so much more peaceful. And why is that? I can keep my limits so much easier, not perfect but easier to re-group!! Now my challenge is to keep those limits no matter if he is in or not!

He knows staying in the same town he grew up is not going to work. He is applying to a place 50 miles away-he does not want a phone, and deleted his Facebook profile. He wants to be invisible -so no one can find him. Good idea!

Having him out of town will be easier to stay focused on my life. I have plans-concerts-trip to California -enjoying my daughters wedding plans-holidays coming!!

It's nice to not having the phone ringing. My daughter and I are working on our communication and that is getting much better-more adult to adult. We have been talking about how important is was to me/her to buy our own cars/phone/food-living off bagel/cream cheese/green beans/donating plasma to make ends meet. I remember those days well-my successes. Dan needs to get a chance to have those! And to know without any doubt that his drug/alcohol free self is the only one that is acceptable. To walk with truth/honesty/love /respect for himself first and to his family!

I find talking to myself in my car is so helpful. Hearing my words and practicing my responses is so helpful. Anticipating is comments. How to sound strong and not victimized by my own choice. Remember victims have no choices. Having a script is so helpful for me!!

I have hope but also reality. Life is an evolutionary process -never done-until life is done!! Come on dan choose life!!

Posted by: Notagain!! October 28, 2014, 7:20 AM
I have worked in the ER x 18 years. Many of my co workers have been there w/similar years- we have watched each other's kids get drivers licenses/proms/weddings/grand kids---but we rarely share any pain. One us of us just mentioned that we had not seen this one nurse for a few weeks -not horribly unusual. There are 180 nurses in the ER working 23 different hour patterns. But we found out she was fired, lost her license-DUI. Dang -she just disappeared. I wrote her a private note on Facebook. I pray she gets to come back. But we internalize our pain. Since I have opened up my pain another nurse shared her daughter is missing /left her daughter r/t drug use and a legal charge. I would never have been able to lend an ear/hug if I had not shed light onto dans struggle. I am grateful for the light shinning on my choices that make it easier to see them clearly.

Court tomorrow! Won't be going-I do have the day off. Stand tall my son-stand on your own!!

Strength and peace

Posted by: Notagain!! October 30, 2014, 10:17 PM
Just got home from work! Wknd off!! Not a big Halloween person so will go give out candy at my daughters.

Dan went to court yesterday. He got 22 month -14 months inside and 8 months in work release. His plan when he gets out is to parole is to be invisible to everyone but family-clean/sober people. Good plan. I could always tell when he relapsed as he would not be around me-would leave with some excuse when I walked into the room. He would get angry if I asked any questions. Then something bad would happen. Last October he rolled his car and would have got a 5th DUI if he had not been airlifted to my hospital and I got that call I had made to others so many times. I thought I was going to have a heart attack-to see him intubated on a ventilator-no major injuries but he was ready yet! What will it take -a WILL to change. I asked him yesterday if he had ever done the steps and he said he never got past #4. I told him I am going to mtg-using his book.

I struggle with saying no to money. He never pushes-cuz he knows I will crumble? When I say no he is ok with it, but I still feel guilty -like if I have it -it should go to him/sister? I am going to work on this!!

Posted by: Notagain!! November 4, 2014, 11:53 AM
Well, it has been a few days since I have been here. I have been doing a lot of thinking about my overcompensation that led to enabling behvior. I grew up the middle child of 5. I was my dad's favorite, the best student, and looked so different from my sibs who were all blonde-I was dark hair/eyed like my dad. My parents divorced when I was five. My Mom struggled with 5 kids alone. She used physical violence to control me--hit me......tore clothes off me-I use to keep track in my closet. She did this until I was a senior in HS until I fought back-she kicked me out. We use to hear my parents fighting and at 5 I would walk around the block until they had stopped. One time I remember walking in thinking they were done and found my mom backed into a corner with a knife in her hand. It was surreal then. I havent thought of it in many many years. Then dad was gone and we did not physically see him until I was 13. He sort of sent child support/we struggled financially my entire childhood. Only one of us could have a pair of shoes at a time. I wore my brothers clothes until I was a junior in HS. I got a job as soon as I could and she charged me rent plus I had to buy my own clothes then.
My little sister ended up using drugs and struggled with depression/suicide attempts x 4-5.
My little brother was too young to even know my dad or really see what happened to my sister. He was my mom's favorite. My older sister married at 16-why not, she at least could be responsible for her own kids not all of us. My older brother struggled with gender identity, depression, self mutilation, and has been mentally disabled for many years.

so, I guess after enduring this childhood, I learned.......that since I was the favorite and others had suffered related to my position that I should do everything I can to make that up for the less fortunate. I have translated that into ..........If I can do anything to help someone else I should...........I am an ER have decided that my decision to divorce a man who was totally emotionally unavailable to me and my kids, made them less fortunate and I have worked all my life to make up for that.

Were they less fortunate/are they less fortunate. I can not control their relationship with their dad....he continues to be himself....very emotionally unavailable. They have adjusted to that. yes, dan uses/abuses drugs making some horrible decisions that he is accountable for, but when he is not using and living lies-he is a great guy. My daughter.....has struggled in relationships, but now is in a relationship that seems happy, she is a nurse-shocking-and as I stop enabling her brother she and I have a better relationship-big motivator for me. No they are adults now who have had to live and I did. Like I am.......I have always said, Learn something new or just go to bed., you raised two kids who are great kids who have their own struggles...struggles that will make them stronger to handle the miriad of things to come. They will have a vast amount of tools in their tool box that are their own. My tools, I have shown them, but it is up to them to see if they will work for them. They will drop/break tools on their way, let them........let them figure out if those tools work or do not.

Mom, live your life. You have extra cash right now, but not that much. Live your life and don't feel guilty that you are and that the kids are working thru their struggles. You did. Why should they not have the agony of defeat......and that THRILL OF VICTORY.

Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I CAN NOT CHANGE, the courage to accept the thing I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Always remember....."helping" can also make someone feel that they can not do it themselves. Developing a dependent person vs an independent person-in both of us. Not the goal for any of us.

My boyfriend has been out of town this last month-back on wknds....I only work 5 days every two weeks. Since my son has been in jail I have had a lot of time to work on my self. I have found a meeting every thursday 7pm -Nar Anon. I also have found more on line help-Intherooms. I am so grateful for each day having the space and time to love......and knowing the skills I am working on will help others!!! To give hope to encourage. Thank you Lord.

Posted by: Notagain!! November 6, 2014, 7:57 AM
Big sigh.....As I am living with my limits and boundaries, I realized just how much I have been invested in what was going on in Dan's life. what he was he was doing.......dreading any phone call that came either very early or very late. So, now that piece is out of my life, it really has been crazy. Jail is not only good for him, but good for me. I am learning appropriate living w/adult children. It feels good that despite the fact that he is in jail, but to know he is handling his own life consequences. And, I am living an adult life with adult children. It is what we raise them to be able to do. Deep breath....I am a empty nester with children 27/29. LOL. OMG>

Posted by: Notagain!! November 7, 2014, 10:28 AM
Well dan was transferred to a real prison today. Not his first rodeo. The picture he took when he first was arrested was horrible. A picture of an exhausted guy who was using meth to help bridge the gaps in the hours in his dayz. As he said it was a-f@&&$ you expression for me since I called the cops and had him arrested. That pictured did not hurt me. It rallied me-it showed me I made the right decision!! It showed me I needed help!! It lead me to Narc anon -and here! Now a month later his picture is one that looks like my son -peaceful-rested-healthy! I love him so much! I want my son back!! I don't feel well today-I have a cold-the tears come easy. If all my love and tears could change him, he would be President by now. He has to drive his own train w/o me throwing in the coal-he can do it. I know he is capable so I will watch and pray. I have told him that I am working on my life and encouraged him to do so. I have heard that NA is sponsoring guys in jail. Hooking people up inside with a fellowship b/4 they get out! A new thing I believe that will help bridge that space between jail and real life. What a great idea!!

God grant me serenity to accept the things I can not change

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference!!!

Posted by: Notagain!! November 13, 2014, 12:26 PM
Going to an in person Narc anon meeting tonight - so pumped. Dan is waiting to hear about getting an NA sponsor while in jail. He wants to have a fellowship to go to with connections to clean people as soon as he gets out! Hope that door opens. It has been a week since I have heard from my son. It feels good-ish. Makes me understand how connected we were. I like living in adult land. Kids do their things I do mine and we get together at some point. Real life. Just being mom is a good thing!!

Posted by: Notagain!! November 19, 2014, 10:45 AM
Good morning everyone!! I have been working a lot lately!! My feet/hands hurt!!

I have the blessing to care for our addicts when they OD, go thru withdrawal, get assaulted, and their parents who many time come to the ER like we have all been-terrified-horrified-hopeless. I believe that God has brought me to each one of them and many many times God has brought them to me! When I was so sad I could barely do my assessment without crying they told me never to give up on my son- to love him- to not give him money--- that he would find his way--in the midst of their struggle encouraging me and themselves. And when they come in broken and in pain I put them in clean warm hospital gowns with pillows/warm blankets as they cover their heads and help ease their pain the best I can and encourage them to never give up - that I don't care how many times they have gone to treatment-each time you get another piece- some just have more puzzle pieces than others!! (There is a lot of shame going to treatment many times- so many times court ordered/hoop jumping enforcing their rebellion.). They know I know- they all ask if I am in recovery and I share some of our family journey. I put my arms around the moms and my hand on a dads shoulders and feel them so tight. When I started at the ER I had no idea how God was preparing me for this journey. Dan was just in middle school, the spectar of addiction hiding lurking in our house. No one knew.

So yesterday -a 21 yr old who was back again -in her 2nd treatment center in as many months.- in withdrawal again from heroin and got into meth in between this time. She saw me and hung her head. I told her I remembered her- asked about her plan-she said detox and back to teen challenge. We talked about how she got "here." Story we all know. And we cared for her- again.

I remember God never gives us more than we can handle-damn we are all in Gods Marines- Navy Seals!!! No office workers in this group!! I look back in my life and see my training- unknown to me during those times! Thanks God? Yes-THANK YOU God!! My chest has several metals from wars I have participated in. Congrats to my fellow warriors wear your metals with pride.

Dan is doing well in jail! We write-talk once a week. It is good for now- 13 more months b/4 he can apply for work release . You/your children all in my prayers this holiday season- a lot to be grateful for!!

Posted by: Notagain!! November 24, 2014, 11:34 AM
Oh this page drives me crazy some times - twice I wrote notes - not posted -aargh!!

So will copy my notes just in case now!!

I went to a mtg on Thursday- step one work- forgiveness-loving detachment vs attachment.

I think that following the grief model helps too-once I accepted that I was powerless over the addiction/addict - I grieved. The loss of my son that I knew- the loss of the son I wanted. And the very real potential for his death. I had to accept that no matter what I did would be able to change that potential- as a nurse that was a tough pill- sure we loose patients every day but we work on them some times way too long. It is dans choice! Once I was able to let that go- I could not save my son- still brings tears to my eyes the very thought-I could forgive myself for that-to accept that saving dan is not my responsibility-then I was able to begin to detach. To let him go.

It sounds crazy but it will show the depth of how enabling goes- I still wish I could save him!!! I wish I could pluck him out of his drug abuse - put him in a good job- loving relationship with a great woman have some kids- babysit for them- enabling is all about ME!!! Those are things I want .... For ME!!! So I can be at peace!! For ME! Yup once you start digging thru the s*** you find out how clear things become!!

So with the tattoo I put on dans right leg---in the 4 parts of the cross-
Truth-honor- love- respect... I detach from my pain-disappointment-loss-that has enabled dan to not reach his full potential!! I love you dan and want you to find the life you want!! And I want the life I am discovering!!

During this time of Thanksgiving- there is not enough space to list how grateful I am for everyone here!! And for all the blessings in my life.

Posted by: Notagain!! December 24, 2014, 4:46 PM
As I am often heard to say... Holy cat balls - time flys!! I have missed you all and getting caught up!! Note coming for you Auzzie!! Love you woman.

Ok - it has been a month-still doing well with my limits and am actually saving money!! Savings - what a concept. So easy when dan is gone - no chaotic dance partner. We do talk about how it will be when he gets out of jail- mom and son have same goals for each other- but we all know it is when he gets out that our work will be tested. I did go up to see him in jail- 2 hr drive - 2 hr visit. He is my son again- but sad to say I see the guy I know more in jail than in the world. One thing I have stopped doing is seeing all the addicts I care for daily as what my son might end up like. It is true he could end up homeless addicted in and out of jail all his life- but I do know he can be clean if he wants- it is a choice. He knows what/who are his triggers. He knows b/4 he even gets to where he is going what is going to happen. It has always been his thinking- or NOT thinking!! Being present in drug use/abuse/addiction is a lot of work!!! And then it's -I have f'ed up already -WTH!! The s*** starts to fall! We talk about that a lot- how having life scripts ready- anticipate a situation and think the response thru- don't have come up a response on the cuff. I do a lot of self talk in the car! Thank god for Bluetooth in cars or people might think I am nuts!! Lol most will think I am having a conversation on the phone!! Lol. It is so helpful to hear some of my flawed thinking out loud. I am no dummy but man some of the stuff I let myself think was ok is so stupid. But learning just that piece is important!!!

The holidays are here. I miss dan. I think of our great times at Xmas. I pray for his safety and that he uses this time to realize all that is at stake- life/living!!!

I love you dan

Posted by: Notagain!! January 2, 2015, 11:20 AM
Happy New Year-
It was a nice holiday but it kind of seems like life goes on hold while the Holidaze take place- Just get that shopping/ cooking done - handle expectations--and of course work!!! . House needs to get re-organized/laundry done.
So back on my mental focus- on moving forward.
Going to work out at 3:45- w/SO.
Get xmas tree ect put away/out the door.
Laundry-hate when you find your towels in the washer x too many days-re-wash!! Aargh
Get to meetings online or in person- wkly.
find new recipes.
Read more
Love healthier-SO-son-daughter-family
Plan vacations quarterly
Help w/daughters wedding plans -when needed!
Oh and work!! Need some certifications this year.
Keep coming back here.

I really believe that making lists helps see our priorities- priorities are not on a ladder but a wheel. Some things are first at one time others the next. Damn I got a lot on my wheel-and I am not even raising kids anymore.

I found that I cont to struggle with my relationship w/my mom-I feel this discomfort in my chest when I am around her or even talk w/her on the phone. It bothers me I feel like this. My SO is not much of a person I can talk to about my past. He never asks and when I do say something, he just will respond-oh wow. I know he can't imagine my mom being a mother who would hurt her kids-not that little old lady who likes to play rummy cube. So I don't talk about any of my past with him. And he never talks about his past with me- it was what it was and today is today. Maybe not such a bad take on life. As a nurse I am all about- plan- implement- evaluate- solution/resolution.

I saw a saying online -
Let go--- or get dragged!!

I am getting that for my wallpaper on my phone!!

Happy New Year everyone! Make it a good one!!

Posted by: Notagain!! January 9, 2015, 12:36 PM
So new year! I missed my son over the holiday. But I found that the holiday was great! But there was a piece missing. Pictures not complete. So what did I do? I made a payment to one of his credit cards. Not much-but as soon as I pushed that submit button- the bells started to ring. Who did this help? Me? Him? I never really could touch why I paid his bills. To help his credit rating so he would have choices when he got out. To keep his accts up to date so he could jump in after he got out by just paying the interest. He never asked me to do any of this. I have the money- no big deal. But today I realized I use paying his bills to keep me close to him. I went to a place- credit card website- where I could "help." Help not him - he will never know I did it as the interest will over come it. He never asked. To help me feel better- to feel like I could fix something! To FIX something!! Yup- this nurse/caretaker thing is a crazy thing!! Not even enabling him but all about me!!! My need to feel in control. Of something I CAN NOT CONTROL! Not mine to control!!!

YUP the Serenity Prayer!!

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Working it!!