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Message Board > Families / Partners of Addicts > Advice Needed


Posted by: Lostgirl12 May 14, 2020, 9:49 PM
Hello,
My husband is getting out of rehab next week and I wanted to know what I shouldn't and should say/do. I Am still very angry and upset with the situation (telling me he was clean for years and overdosed two weeks ago and I barely saved his life). Lying to me for years etc. And I just started a new job so I can't take time off and I told him I could pick him up after 2pm (it's a 3 hour drive) and he got upset me with. I am the only one working and we just had to pay a lot of money for rehab.

I think I have a right to be annoyed, but his mother told me he is probably just anxious to come home and I should try and adjust my work schedule more. It's not that easy, I wish it was.

Do I have a right to be annoyed?

Posted by: mtnmom May 14, 2020, 10:26 PM
YES! You have every right to be annoyed & he has to figure how to handle problems, delays, changes in schedules, people not dropping everything to come to the rescue..... You & your husband are going to have to find a healing space & how to do this. Therapy for both of your individually & together is probably necessary to get off on the right foot

Posted by: NyToFlorida May 14, 2020, 10:50 PM
Hello Lost,
Yes, you have a right to be annoyed. It isn't what you signed up for. It is going to be an adjustment for both of you. idk if he is working, if not it may take a while for him to get back to work. That alone is stressful.

Have you been to counseling? Maybe you can find a counselor at a recovery center to talk to. Your husband should have a outpatient recovery plan and be going to meetings - oh - right - they probably are not being held now.... On line meetings, Smartrecovery.org, NA meetings

When I went to NarAnon many years ago, it was suggested to set up boundaries. Just a few of the most important. For example, curfew, rules about car usage - this is aimed at our children, so idk what might be appropriate for a spouse. Maybe financial boundary if funds have been mismanaged. If you are going to work and he is home, maybe he can do some chores or household projects. make a list together.

An example of keeping the list short and simple:
A woman and her husband let her brother stay with them after rehab. she had 3 rules: 1st month get a job, 2nd month get a car, 3rd month get apartment (get out!)

two years ago my son went to rehab for 2 months, when he came home things were great for about 4 months, he worked out, played golf, worked part time, went to meetings everyday, made dr appointments, did not hang out with old friends, tried to do things with new friends, then went back to drinking and then using. and another nightmare of a time for many months, finally rehab again, he no longer lives with us.

It is not an easy journey. stay true to yourself and don't feel bad about taking a path that you need to do for yourself. no one else is going to do what's best for you.

Posted by: Sallyana May 15, 2020, 3:46 AM
Lost, yes you have a right to your feelings. Plus you are right NOT to adjust your work schedule for him. His mom sounds like a classic enabler to tell you to. Do what is best for you and listen to your gut with no apologies.

He has betrayed your trust and your marriage. He needs to be totally transparent otherwise he's just fooling himself. However, be smart and don't let him fool you. Marriage should be a mutually respectful relationship. Its not suppose to be filled with surprises and rugs getting pulled out. Stay true to yourself.

Posted by: mtnmom May 15, 2020, 4:57 PM
One more comment from me, maybe his mother could adjust HER schedule to help her son??? Lots of people have tons of advice but very few actually offer anything beneficial.

Posted by: Lostgirl12 May 19, 2020, 8:58 PM
Thank you all for your feedback. I am picking him tomorrow morning and incredibly anxious as I do not know what the future holds, but we are starting couples counseling this week and I am hoping for the best, but also understand that anything can happened.

Posted by: Sallyana May 20, 2020, 9:43 PM
Thinking of you lostgirl...

Posted by: Lostgirl12 May 25, 2020, 9:07 PM
Has anyone else loved one who was an addict refused to talk about the past once he or she was out of rehab and only wanted to talk about the future?

I have so many questions, but it only causes an argument when I try to ask my husband about this past year. his therapist in rehab told me to keep things light and not focus on what has happened, but it's really hard. I am still angry, confused, and upset... I get that not bringing it up will help him with his recovery, but I don't feel that it's fair.

Has anyone else dealt with this

Posted by: Sallyana May 26, 2020, 8:02 AM
He may be dealing with alot of shame and guilt which may trigger his addiction. Maybe in the future, when his addiction recovery is more stable, he can talk about it. Active addiction consists of lies, manipulation, secrets, and irrational behavor...it's a given. He's likely using all his efforts on his recovery now...a new beginning. Its not easy and sounds like he's trying.

In my opinion, what has been happening in your marriage is an addiction problem, not a marriage problem. Yes, addiction affects marriage, however going to marriage therapy right now may not be helpful. It may be best for you to go to therapy while he does his recovery work on his addiction. In my opinion, this makes more sense.

Posted by: NyToFlorida May 27, 2020, 12:28 AM
I do remember several times after rehab that my son would say phrases like - stop living in the past, I can’t think about past have to think about future. I think part of it is that the past is filled with dysfunctional stuff, and things they are not proud of, as sallyanna said.

When my son has been out of rehab life is pretty bleak. Always starting over with nothing. Hope that things will be better are all he has to get thru the day. He has said that he did not like AA because they always dwell on the past. His mantra is to try to stay positive.



Posted by: Lostgirl12 June 4, 2020, 7:41 PM
I wanted to say " thank you." This forum reminds me that I am not alone.

The couple's therapy is actually helping as it allows us to discuss topics which are extremely sensitive, like what happens if he relapse what is my plan/ boundary.

I think learning ways to understand how each other are currently feeling is extremely helpful. It is still extremely early and I am still terrified of what the future may hold. Addiction is a terrible disease and if it wasn't for the disease we would have a great marriage.

I've been trying to get my husbands mother to join this forum as I think it would help her a lot. But she probably won't.

Thank you again for your continued support.

Posted by: mtnmom June 4, 2020, 7:52 PM
Lostgirl - wishing you the best outcome & continued healing for you & your hubby. Hoping you can rekindle the love & respect you had in your great marriage!!! (((hugs))))

Posted by: Strong-n-faith August 22, 2020, 8:52 AM
Tell his mother to readjust her schedule and pick him up. Or, you husband can catch a cab....or, he can wait. The whole thing of everyone turning the world upside down to take care of them is not acceptable. He needs to figure out the world doesn't revolve around him. His mother has NO right to tell you what your priorities should be. She is likely not paying your bills, so she's needs to butt out. Frankly, I would not discuss it with her. She can call your husband and they can have a big pitty party. Better yet, she can go get him and they can live together. If I were you, I'd welcome the space. TRUST ME, she will call you and beg you to come get him from her house soon enough.