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Message Board > Families / Partners of Addicts > Wife And Cocaine

Posted by: Chicagopilot October 15, 2019, 7:11 PM
My wife and I have been married for 5 years. She is a recovering addict that has been clean for about 6 years. I bought her a restaurant that she has always wanted 3 months ago, she spent two months rehabbing it and open the last month. About two months ago I noticed a change in her. She was staying at the bar late, hanging out with a new crowd and becoming very distant. I was thinking affair and started searching for evidence. I found a text from a friend that was asking her where she got her coke. I confronted her but she said she slipped once and used only once. As she was becoming more and more distant I started feeling insecure and looking for reassurance from her which drove her further and further away. And all the while she was staying out till sometimes 7 in the morning and when I would ask her she would tell me that I am crazy and jealous. And it was a repeating cycle. Then last week when I was coming home from a business trip she called me devastated and told me that her hair had fallen out over night. Sure enough I would say that she was 80 percent bald. I became more and more concerned and she withdrew more and more. Friday she told me that she was leaving me and either I leave the house or she does. I chose to leave and she has only sent a few text asking me to let her know before I come home to get my things so she can leave. Two questions

1. Does this sound like a cocaine addiction?

2. Do you think she will come back to me? And if so what should I expect?

Posted by: moderator October 16, 2019, 7:55 AM

Thank you for sharing.

We are moving your post to Familes/Partners of Addicts, where there are others who have similar struggles with people they love.

- The Moderators

Posted by: samegame October 16, 2019, 11:01 AM
As the mods said your story is similar.

Sadly it sounds like she's dabbling or bingeing if not using daily. My experience with alkies and addicts says that hanging out in a bar atmosphere is not a good sign because that setting attracts too many users and dealers. Also being around alcohol could be too tempting for even an ex addict.There are restaurants that don't tolerate it but until they see it ie a customer or employee with drugs they can't do anything.

Here the alkies current friends/peer group is a huge part of his problem. They validate his behavior and/or offer up what ever. They have their own culture/sub culture. Also long term stimulant use does have side effects so I'm not sure what hair falling out is.

And last but not least until an addict really really wants to quit on their own there's a chance they'll relapse or use rehab as a timeout. Adult addicts are tough because many have been doing what ever for a while so their routine and friends become just as hard to quit as the chemical.

Take care of yourself and don't force the issue of addiction or going to rehab because they'll consider that a lecture and turn you off. Don't enable with money no matter how desperate they seem. Even seemingly innocent rides to where ever are enabling.

Good Luck.

Posted by: Sallyanna October 16, 2019, 10:31 PM
Chicagopilot so heartbreaking to read your post. This must be so painful for you, so sorry. I personally would hire a P.I. to see if there is someone else. Not sure however I think there might be. They usually find out pretty quickly if there is. I think you should know because you don't want to waste your time, happiness, and life on someone who is unfaithful.

I also think she may have relapsed. She's resorted back to her 'using lifestyle' and unfortunately that lifestyle does not include you. She's married to her addiction and trying to have a meaningful and mutual marriage with an addiction in the picture is slim. You will feel so neglected and hurt because she is being so selfish. Its really abusive.

Its important to not deny what you know to be true (once you find out). This is vital because we can start to rationalize their behavior or minimize it and you don't want to do either. Stay true to yourself and take good care of yourself. Have a strong self respect. She is not respectful to you. Healthy love does not hurt.

Posted by: Chicagopilot October 16, 2019, 10:53 PM
Sally Anne, you are correct. I feel like there is even more going on, I love her more than anything and want to find a way to make it work. I have personally never been around drugs or addicts so I really don’t know what to do. I am a good man and have been an amazing husband to her but it seems to not even matter, she can’t give me anything of what I need and I am so hurt by that.

Posted by: NyToFlorida October 16, 2019, 11:04 PM
Hi - So sorry this is happening to you. It is disappointing when someone relapses.

Link to hair loss:

It is pretty complicated that you purchased a restaurant and she is living in your house. First - Get all of your financial ducks in a row. Close all accounts - bank and credit cards - that are joint. maybe leave one open if you need to.

See a Financial Adviser or Financial Lawyer that specializes in couples separating or divorce. Addiction can drain your savings in a matter of months, faster than you can imagine.

Keep notes about balances on credit cards, bank accounts, date you moved out, etc..

** do try to remove valuables from the house - especially things that are yours - pre marital - remove anything you think she will sell. Also remove all of your financial and personal papers.

Do not announce what you are taking - simply say you want to stop by to get some things, clothes, tools, etc...

Cut back or stop paying things for the house and restaurant that you don't have to pay. It will be pretty quick that your wife will not be able to keep up the bills.

you don't say if you have children. together

Maybe she will turn this around, but you need to protect yourself from a drain in finances while waiting to see what your wife decides to do.

See if there is a counselor you can see who specializes in addction and helping the family/spouse. you may find this type of counselor at a local recovery center. Make a few appointments - it helps to be able to vent or talk out a current issue once a week.

You can go to NA meetings - at least to initially be able to talk to others and hear other's stories. Smart is a website for addiction, but also has information for friends and family.

It sounds like she has relapsed. sounds like the restaurant and bar, gave her the opportunity to be in the wrong place for her sobriety. meet the wrong people. (I have heard there can be drug use in the restaurant business)

maybe she is embarrassed by her actions and therefore does not want to see you. she does not want you to ask her questions or have to answer your questions, that is why she does not want you around.

PS - when your mind is going down the logical path, trying to figure out what went wrong, Stop. Addiction is not logical, not ever. When you really need answers search topics on YouTube.

Hope this helps!

Posted by: Chicagopilot October 16, 2019, 11:47 PM
Nytoflorida. All great advice. I have taken the valuables and put them in my dads safe. She has access to all the accounts for now but I am close to cutting her off from anything. So far no unusual amounts of money have gone missing, but she is a very attractive woman and she knows how to play that to get what she wants.

Posted by: Sallyanna October 17, 2019, 12:02 AM
Chicagopilot addiction is like a parasite. It takes over and destroys. Lies and manipulation are part of it too. I know you love her and that is what makes it so hard. You care about her too. Sadly, a married person with an addiction often leads a secret life, a double life. It sounds like she did very well for a long time and she could do it again only if SHE wants to. Right now it sounds like she doesnt.

Posted by: Chicagopilot October 17, 2019, 10:41 AM
You are correct. Now that I take a step back it is amazing all of the things that I missed, so many signs and signals that were there and they got by me, I feel like I failed to protect her and failed her as her husband. I know what I have to do but it is just so hard to actually do it.

Posted by: Sallyanna October 17, 2019, 9:37 PM
Chicagopilot, it's hard to protect people from themselves...especially those with addictions. In a relationship it becomes a parent-child relationship. It's very dysfunctional..with addiction it becomes toxic. You can encourage getting help (ie. detox, rehab) however if they are not interested then nothing changes It just gets worse and more dysfunctional. You really don't want to be a part of this picture. If you do, then you become part of the dysfunction. It's not a good life and it's totally unhealthy.

Posted by: Chicagopilot October 18, 2019, 1:26 PM
You are correct that it is unhealthy. In August I weighed 205lbs today when I got on a scale I was surprised to find that I am 167lbs. A month ago I thought I was having a heart attack, got in the ambulance and they said I was fine, turns out it was a panic attack, I have never experienced anything like that ever before. Scariest thing of my life.
Now I am sleeping on a friends couch while her and god knows who else are in my beautiful large house. I have provided very well for her and have gotten her anything that she has needed. To say I feel betrayed and lost right now would be an understatement.
I have had to take a leave of absence from work as I could not safely do my job as a pilot with all of these things on my mind.
I also notice that I am drinking much more than I should be, it seems to be the only thing that numbs the pain right now.

Posted by: samegame October 18, 2019, 4:03 PM
Chicago I wouldn't feel betrayed other than her abusing your relationship with you. It's not betrayal but what addicts do, some being very selfish.

Cocaine or most other drugs didn't manufacture the addicts behavior or the thoughts & urges already in their head. They tend to lower impulse control of urges and thoughts already running through their mind. Apologies but sounds like she was a party person before she met you and will be one for the foreseeable future. If one really thinks about their earlier more sober behavior there were probably signs she was probably party type person. I wouldn't blame yourself, she exploited your generosity. That's what addicts do. Money, favors and/or loyalty are nothing but a borrowed pencil or cup of sugar to them. How many people return them

Posted by: NyToFlorida October 18, 2019, 9:48 PM
Chicago - It is understandable to feel betrayed and sad and angry. The life you thought you were building is suddenly gone. I know several men who have gone thru divorce who drank more than usual for some many months. Very sorry to hear you had to take a leave from work, but also I give you a hug for knowing you can not put the lives of others in danger if you are not able to focus while at work. I hope you can get back to work soon and that this blip does not effect your job security. It is VERY hard to focus while your home life is suddenly turned upside down.

I also had lost weight earlier this year. (you can read my Crisis Update post) my son has been out of the house for 6 months, I have gained the 20 lbs back that I lost. I am on the thin side and didn't have any extra pounds to loose!

Maybe counseling can help you to vent and have someone to talk out the situation with.

Posted by: Sallyanna October 18, 2019, 11:23 PM
Really helpful posts here. I think too, often we forget or are unaware how badly addiction affects loved ones. Its the collateral damage. It takes an emotional and physical toll. It affects finances and work. It affects our well being over all. We love and care about the adult child or spouse and to what 'personal cost'? As a parent, I feel horrible for even thinking of myself while my daughter is self destructing and homeless. Its a dichotomy because at the same time I know I must take care of myself because she'll take me down with her. Its something I struggle with. Its a very unnatural feeling yet cognitively I know it's right. Its hard to articulate how awful this feels.

Posted by: Chicagopilot October 19, 2019, 1:24 PM
I am on day 9 now if not being at home. She text me occasionally and seems like she is making an effort in reaching out.
I have been watching the court records and she has not filed for divorce yet, also her friends seem to not have any idea that her and I have separated.
I am not sure where this is all headed. She keeps telling me that she needs time and space to straighten things out and figure out what she wants. She does tell me that I can come back to the house and she will go stay at her parents. She is saying she is not doing cocaine, but I just can’t believe that. All of the security cameras and system at home have been disconnected so I can not see when she is coming and going.
I am driving myself crazy trying to figure all this out. I love this woman more than anything in the world.

Posted by: Sallyanna October 19, 2019, 2:30 PM
Well, she is hiding something because the cameras are now disconnected. I don't think I'd let her run the show. I would move back to 'my house' and tell her she's welcome to stay or go. If she wants to stay, then tell her you need to know the truth of what's going have the right to know. You need to know so you can make decisions for you life. I personally think you're being overly accommodating. If she doesn't know what she wants, she can go and live with her parents to decide. I doubt they would put up with her shenanigans. Don't reward bad behavior.

Posted by: Chicagopilot October 19, 2019, 3:34 PM
The only problem with being in the same house as her is that in the past she has threatened to make up a fake domestic abuse allegation.

Posted by: Sallyanna October 19, 2019, 3:47 PM
Oh WOW! And you love her more than anything in the world??? She's mean and you can't trust her....

Posted by: NyToFlorida October 19, 2019, 10:31 PM
If she is offering to go to her parents and let you live in the house, take her up on that offer. Change the locks. You can’t stay on your friends couch for more than a few weeks. Pros -
If you are at the house you will have less resentment and not drive yourself crazy wondering what’s going on there. You will feel better. About your situation, have all of your stuff where you need it, may be better enough emotionally to go back to work sooner. Have a better daily routine for your self. Better that you move back to the house before she decides to get a restraining order . If she does it could be years before you have your home back or see any of your stuff.

Cons - you may be reminded of her constantly.

Posted by: Sallyanna October 20, 2019, 11:54 AM
Chicagopilot I hope you will take a break from her drama and really reflect on this marriage. Life is hard enough. No one needs or deserves abuse or drama. There is no excuse for her behavior and mistreatment of you. It doesn't matter if she's a cocaine addict or not. It doesn't matter if she's pretty or not. Everyone needs personal boundaries, what we will and will not tolerate in life from other people. You sound like a young man with a good career. You don't deserve one does.

Posted by: Chicagopilot October 20, 2019, 11:58 AM
You are correct, and it is what all of my friends are telling me. I know what I should do, but I am not sure I can do it. In the end it may not even matter as I am not sure she wants me back in her life.

Posted by: Sallyanna October 20, 2019, 12:04 PM
Chicagopilot I know it's hard for you by what you have posted. Its really hard to end a marriage...its a big step...very emotional for many reasons. Sorry you are struggling with so much right now....I wish you all the best and I hope you take really good care of yourself.

Posted by: mtnmom October 20, 2019, 10:51 PM
I worked in the court system for many years & all this advice & words of wisdom given to you is great advice! Everyone has a bottom line of what they can accept, you have to stick to your bottom line & stick to it because (in MY opinion only!!) once you allow someone to cross your bottom line on what is acceptable, you just told them that HOW they treat you is not really that important to you. I've always felt that if a spouse cheats & the other spouse forgives & forgets, you have just told them that it was ok.... (that is must my opinion, my husband & I agreed the cheating was the unforgivable sin).

I haven't dealt with an addicted spouse, but I have dealt with my addicted son. He will lying, steal, manipulate, coerce, scream, curse, threaten us, threaten suicide, make up the most ludicrous stories of horrors and NO ONE WAS SAFE FROM HIM when he is using. We just went thru 2 years of pure hell.

Someone who threatens false criminal charges, is not honest with her whereabouts & threatens you when you question her behavior has serious problems whether she has relapsed or not. SHE has to want help & you will drive yourself crazy if you let yourself be sucked into the rabbit hole. Try not to reach out to her, let her contact you. Give yourself a little time to decide this marriage is what you need to stay healthy & happy. Make sure she's not using you as the fall back, Plan B. After a little while (30 days, 60 days) have a talk & ask where "we" are going.

Good luck, I hope things work out for the best

Posted by: Parenting2 October 21, 2019, 3:48 AM
I am very sorry to hear you are going through this.

In my opinion, you have enough information to know she relapsed. It's pretty common that the person needs to get away from healthy living to start living unhealthy. What she really means is that she is trying to decide if she wants her old life or her addict life. I am sure a part of her is devastated that she started back on the path of addiction.

But, as we all know and have written so many times, we can't help the addict. They have to help themselves. Like others have said, I would protect yourself. Put yourself first. Addiction is unpredictable, devastating and destructive.

keep sharing. We understand.

Posted by: Chicagopilot October 21, 2019, 6:23 AM
What is interesting that for a few days in a row she was texting and seemingly getting friendlier each day and then yesterday I did not hear a word from her the entire day.
I feel like I am sitting here waiting for the phone to go off all day long, I just don’t get how you could treat someone you supposedly care about this way.

Posted by: Sallyanna October 21, 2019, 8:12 AM
Yes, people who care about you would not treat you this way. Sadly, there are people in the world who only care about themselves and see other people as tools to get what they want. They will lie and manipulate too. Every once in a while they will throw you a few crumbs (the friendly texts) to keep you available. They do not have consistent personalities and behaviors. Having a relationship with them is like trying to grab smoke.

Chicago I hope you recognize you are codependent in this relationship. She may be addicted to cocaine and you are addicted to her and her chaos.

Posted by: mtnmom October 21, 2019, 9:59 AM
My son would send a friendly text to test the waters so to speak. He had become so unbelievably mean & nasty, we blocked his number, in fact EVERYONE he was still talking to blocked him. Then after one of us (his father or me) would respond, he'd drop his bombshell, it was usually a need for money for some horrible situation.

She may be testing to see that you are still around, waiting for her texts. See what happens if you don't answer her texts. Don't make yourself available to her beck & call. It is EXTREMELY hard & painful, but this separation should be difficult for her too.

You might want to talk to a therapist too - just someone to talk to & someone to help you make good decisions.

I'm sorry you are going thru this - so difficult & especially hard when you were trying to ensure she was happy & your actions were for her but this wasn't the reaction you wanted or needed.

Posted by: Chicagopilot October 21, 2019, 2:36 PM
Yes I also feel like that is what she may be doing.

Posted by: samegame October 21, 2019, 3:56 PM
What mntmom said. They'll be nice before they drop a bomb. Or want something. Remember addicts, adult addicts in particular have lived the life so long that grifter like behavior is second nature to them. Also people abusing chemicals will go through mood swings with either too much or not enough. Or they tried to supplement or balance out their high with something else.

I would not be mentally waiting for that one moment where she'll change her ways. DO NOT WAIT. Unless they are proactive and really really want to change on their own things will remain the same. I know people who waited for that one thing or moment that would straighten someone out and it never happened. I guess waiting gives hope but that's all it is. You can always get back together at a later date but she needs major changes in her life and from what you described I don't think she wants to or is capable right now.

Posted by: NyToFlorida October 21, 2019, 7:53 PM
story time. a few years ago a close relative began the difficult task of leaving his wife after years of trying to forgive and justify her actions. Over the course of 5 years she became distant and barley participated as a partner in the marriage and in raising their children. he waffled between being angry and being passive. He wanted more than anything to keep the family together, no matter the cost to him emotionally. Life continued to be so dysfunctional that he had to leave. addiction was not a cause in this relationship.

It took the husband years to move on because the divorce was so dysfunctional as the wife rarely responded to him or to her lawyer. Always leaving him in a state of Not Knowing What is Going ON. It is a type of passive aggressive behavior. just string him along enough that he is paying the bills and she doesn't have to work.

She stayed in the house, lied and got a restraining order right away. he was not allowed to go to his house, be on the property, get his things out, yet he did have to continue paying the mortgage and pay his rent for an apartment and pay child support for two years. while she lived for free in the house and did not work and has a court order so he can not speak to her (or bother her in any way)

At some point in the last years of their marriage, he lost trust, he tried over and over to trust her again, but she would not give him a reason to trust. she ignored him and also threw blame back to him. telling him He's crazy, jealous. that he is too obsessive, too controlling. Even telling him that what he thought was the truth was not. He couldn't keep it up anymore. too many lies. He had to leave. It was still very heartbreaking and emotional for him. he doubted his own sanity for a while.

He would try to back off to give her some space and then she did what ever she wanted. she acted like a child who wanted to go out with her friends every week. always 'out with friends' she is over 40 yrs old.

Posted by: Chicagopilot October 21, 2019, 8:21 PM
Well that sounds ridiculously close to my situation! That hits really close to home.
My wife is 43

Posted by: NyToFlorida October 21, 2019, 9:23 PM
I wanted you to know that you are not alone. others go thru similar gut wrenching situations at the hands of others. It is and will be very emotional for a while. you will go thru sadness, grief, and need to force yourself to move forward each day. after a few months it will be easier.

Definitely do some healing work for yourself. whether it is to see a therapist or go and do healthy physical activities that you have been putting off. or go to a favorite vacation spot for a few weeks. something to get you away from constantly thinking.

she is going to do whatever... we cant predict it... you are in control of what you can do.

Posted by: Sallyanna October 22, 2019, 7:58 AM
Its hard to have a relationship with someone we don't trust. This is not only spouses but anyone. There really is no relationship without trust. Would you fly and an airplane with a copilot you didn't trust?

Posted by: Chicagopilot October 23, 2019, 8:25 PM
Well tonight she texted and told me that she wants to cal and talk tomorrow at 11, I will let everyone know how this turns out. Pretty sure she is going to ask for a divorce. I am ready, I have my brain ready.
When that happens I will completely cut her off financially and I will take my house back.

Posted by: Chicagopilot October 24, 2019, 11:53 PM
We talked for a long time today by phone. I told her that I know what is going on. Surprisingly she responded with of course you do, you know me better than I know myself. I asked her how bad it is, she responded with I cant talk about it, but it is bad and I am getting help. I left it alone.

Posted by: Sallyanna October 25, 2019, 6:52 AM
Why can't she talk about it? What help is she getting? I'm sorry I'm so blunt Chicago. There seems to be a pattern where she runs things off in the ditch and doesn't respond responsibility and you just say okay and wait for her next move. This isn't fair to you at all. She is playing games which affect your life and well being. I really thought she was in her 20's....the fact she's in her 40's this has been going on for a long time...unless something drastic has happened to change things (detox, rehab, recovery) expect more of the same and all the lies, manipulation, and behaviors that go along with it.

Posted by: mtnmom October 25, 2019, 8:49 PM
I agree with Sallyanna. When my son went into rehab he wanted to share & wanted us to know he was getting help!! I think the reason she doesn't want to talk about it is she is NOT getting help but wants you to THINK she's on the verge of making good changes.

I personally wouldn't ask for details, because if she is lying to you, she'll lie about that too.

Posted by: Sallyanna October 25, 2019, 10:16 PM
I think I forget that addiction has a learning curve and I've been exposed and learning about it so long now I forget what is was like in the beginning. I remember the first time my daughter went to detox (I had just learned she was doing heroin) I really thought she'd go in and be drug free after 6 days and be drug free for the rest of her life. I really thought that. I knew nothing about addiction. Now it's 5 years later and I feel I could write a paper about it. Sorry Chicagopilot I know you said in your first post you didn't know much about addiction.

Posted by: Chicagopilot October 26, 2019, 6:50 PM
Strange part about all of this is that I have always been a social drinker. Today sitting at a bar at 3 in the afternoon I realized I have been drinking 10-20 beers every single day for the last 16 days.

Posted by: Sallyanna October 26, 2019, 6:59 PM
Well....that's a lot of beer!!! I'd say your on your way to an alcohol addiction unless you have one already. You mentioned alcohol in another post too. Don't let her send your life off in the ditch just because hers is. Be careful!!!

Posted by: Chicagopilot October 27, 2019, 9:16 AM
I don’t think I ever had a problem with drinking. I would have a few drinks when I would go out with friends. Maybe a few times a month.
Did not have anything to drink last night and actually felt better and did not miss her as much. I return to my house tomorrow night and she was supposed to go to a hotel. But now she is contemplating staying in the house when I am there.

Posted by: NyToFlorida October 27, 2019, 11:12 AM
Hi Chicago - I'm sure you will figure this out. Your doing a good job of coping. When you are drinking less, you will be feeling better.
I see the 'drama of crazy land' sucking you in.... lol
First she will go to her parents, then to a hotel, now she is staying at your house.
every decision trickles down to the easiest path

That is like rubbing salt in your wounds....

In addiction, everything becomes a shell game... who's on first.... idk if this is done on purpose or if it is just the inability to make and a decision... but this behavior ends up keeping you constantly in flux, not knowing what's going on and no concrete decision or rules or boundaries apply.... you stay on the hook waiting for something...

Hopefully you can make this work out better for yourself instead of worse. A key is to take back your life asap, before other options that you are not OK with, creep in and become OK.

insist she go else where. you need time to be back in your house and start getting your life back to normal. your home needs to be your 'safe zone'

It is her right to live the way she wants, It is your right to decide that you do not want to live the way she wants you to.

You don't have to divorce right away, you can definitely decide on a firm separation that will give both of you space. and you can get together, but not at your house or her place of residence. That gives you both a safe place without the intrusion of the other.

PS - her belongings - It is OK for you to remove her stuff from your everyday sight and put in the garage. she can go to garage to get her stuff only if she lets you know she will be there.

You can tell her to pack her stuff before she leaves or you will be doing it.

Sometimes we are afraid to push or enforce our 'rules' or our wants. For some reason we are afraid to upset them... I have found when I have pushed my rule, my son responds better than I thought he would, and I end up thinking, wow I wish I did that sooner.

I have seen others on the site who have done that too. when they really went outside of the box to keep their boundaries in place, the addicted person reacted better

maybe they really cant make a decision and don't know what to do, and keep options open, so they actually Need Us to enforce the rules...

Posted by: Chicagopilot October 27, 2019, 12:49 PM
The biggest problem I have right now is that she is insistent that she does not have a problem and that she has it under control and it is something I can’t even talk to her about.
And she has poisoned my in-laws towards me. Said everything is my fault from stress I imposed on her. I actually love my in-laws and when I talked with my father in-law yesterday he blamed me for everything.

Posted by: NyToFlorida October 27, 2019, 3:33 PM
Hi Chicago -
I was reading posts and came across a post from Bryn:

Bryn's quote "As a recovering addict I can tell you that part of the awful addiction process is us laying guilt on you. It's misplaced and plain c*ap."

Posted by: Sallyanna October 27, 2019, 5:05 PM
Chicago she is in denial and she's controlling plus she's slandered you to her parents. She threatens to call the police and falsely accuse you of domestic violence. On top of ALL this, she censors you so you can't talk about her cocaine addiction.....These are ALL VERY serious issues.....and red flags

Posted by: mtnmom October 27, 2019, 8:35 PM
Chicago - I hope that talking to us here is helping you with the craziness surrounding you. Several of the parents here helped me SO MUCH when my son had relapsed & had sunk into a new level of insanity that no one in the family could understand or deal with!!! They helped me know I was doing the best I could & my son needed to help himself.

He is stable now..... I think. My heart skips a beat when he calls & I'm not sure I will ever be able to fully trust him again. I love him but I hate his addiction & what it has done to my beautiful son. My husband & I tried to be supportive of his good decisions and unfortunately spent a small mint "helping" him and every penny might as well been flushed down the toilet because not one single penny changed anything.

It is definitely a crazy train & it is very easy to get sucked in & very hard to get off....

Posted by: Chicagopilot October 27, 2019, 8:46 PM
Wow, that sounds so similar, the amount of money I have spent making her happy, diamonds, Rolex, boob job, Range Rover, big home, own business. All just a waste. In the end the addiction won.
And yes everyone here has been a big help.

Posted by: Chicagopilot November 7, 2019, 3:38 PM
Here is an update. While cocaine had been used a few times it turns out it was an alcohol problem. I moved back into the house and she went to a hotel, said she needed more time to sort things out in her head. Then Sunday morning at 1AM while she was driving back to the hotel she hit a curb, blew her tire out and got a DUI. I was of course who she called to come bail her out. She came back to the house with me and has been here ever since. She told me everything that was going on and that she wants to work things out with me. But she still seems distant. No affection being reciprocated. But she seems vulnerable. She got a bit crabby with me this morning and instead of arguing I just went upstairs and laid in bed. She made it a point to come upstairs and apologize to me and tell me how much she loves me. Something just feels off.

Posted by: mtnmom November 7, 2019, 4:46 PM
Chicago, go with your gut. Like some of us said before, she COULD be keeping you near as her "just in case" or "Plan B". I'm sure she's thinking you will hire an attorney for her, pay her fines & alcohol classes. And she'll need a ride to & from work while her license is suspended.

Again, it is so said that she is doing this to herself & you. Don't be surprised if drug WERE involved. Something the addict will only admit to the lesser of the evils. Keep your guard up & stay true to your instincts. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, sounds like a duck - it's a duck.... Addicts will not stop lying just because they feel bad. Oh, I'm sure she feels like sh** right now but don't fall for it. If she REALLY wants to work on your relationship, she will be more than willing to do whatever that means, including couples counseling, etc. Make HER make some decisions to see how truthful she is being. For example: Ask her WHAT exactly she wants to do to work on the relationship, don't make suggestions. Let HER make the suggestions

Good luck!!!

Posted by: Sallyanna November 7, 2019, 9:12 PM
All I can think of is...wolf in sheep's clothing...I think your are right, somethings not right and I think she should go back to the hotel and don't bail her out anymore. I think she's using you and not in a good way. Sorry Chicagopilot I think Id 'fly off' from this relationship before there's a 'crash landing'.

Posted by: NyToFlorida November 8, 2019, 9:41 PM
Hi CP - we've been in the situation you are in with our son. take him back, brush him off, give him all the accessories he needs to go to work. then wait to see if he flies on his own. watch, wait, for imagined improvement. We have given another $20, another tank of gas, while he was 'trying to figure it out'..… we have known as were doing it, that we were being lied to, or we just didn't have the courage to say no. (what if we were wrong in our hunch that he wasn't clean) We would talk things out and hope for the best, and wait... he would come home early, do the dishes, watch a tv show with us.... you will come to terms with this in your own way.

either things will get better or they wont. only time will tell. our son has a lot of good qualities (like all of our kids here) we wanted to reward the good, but not the bad. sometimes it is hard to do both.

even when I knew I was enabling, I hoped he would be able to stop the addiction on his own. I knew at some I would get to the point where I had to stop, but I had to get to that point. You will get to that point in your own time, which is different for all of us.

Posted by: NyToFlorida November 8, 2019, 9:52 PM
A side topic. over the past year I have done more 'research' watching youtube video and reading about recovery. There was a common denominator for those who managed to stay sober for a few years. The points that stood out for me were that 1. they needed a passion, a reason to be sober 2. they needed to do the recovery program of their choice 100%, 80% does not count 3. in order to succeed at 1 and 2 they needed to stay in the program in some aspect by going to meetings, counselor, volunteering to help others in the program.

Looking back, for years we saw the good 80% our son was doing and thought that was good enough. 80% clean is better than 60% clean. soon he would be doing 100% - so we didn't want to rock the boat and get on his case and give him a reason to use drugs and alcohol.... "you don't see the good I'm doing, only the bad"...

The fact is that they need to be sober 100% in order to become the responsible adult they are supposed to be.

its a tough place being the loved one of an addict. we weave a large and thick safety net. Its big and heavy. hard to move out of the way. we have been weaving it for years. we all know its there. we all grow to depend on it.

Posted by: Sallyanna November 9, 2019, 4:51 AM
Great posts NTF....thank you

Posted by: Chicagopilot November 24, 2019, 9:44 PM
So crazy. Everything seems fine now. Things are back to normal and we just seemed to have moved past it.
She is not using, she is not drinking, and she acts like everything is fine. I don’t really know what to make of it.
We booked a three week trip to Maui over Christmas, I am just so confused.

Posted by: Sallyana November 25, 2019, 12:14 AM
I think it's classic manipulation and denial. Something did happen and you must know things are NOT normal, right? Then she gets rewarded with a trip to Maui for 3 weeks after all she has put you through??? I'm confused....

Posted by: Chicagopilot November 25, 2019, 6:08 PM
We do Maui twice a year for the last 5 years. Always over Christmas and again at the end of March, so not so much like a reward just returning life back to normal.
I am trying to make my marriage work and at the same time help her get herself to a better place.
She is working hard in therapy and meetings to make things in her life better. I feel like I need to be supportive.

Posted by: NyToFlorida November 25, 2019, 10:58 PM
Hi CP - Yup, its complicated.

We have taken our son back a number of times. Each time, if he had turned himself around, we would have said it was worth it and right for us to do.
Unfortunately, after many years, we could not keep taking him back with the same poor results. dealing with our children is different than dealing with a spouse.

As they say, Time Will Tell. Live like everything is back to normal, but clean up a bit of (financial) loose ends and keep your guard up a bit.

A blip is a blip, maybe things will be OK.

On the other hand, if your not comfortable, see a therapist to talk it out. It will take time. (the relative I talked about tried to rebuild the marriage for a few years, but she was not participating as an equal, so after much grief over the situation, he had to leave)

Best Wishes for a Happy Holiday!

Posted by: Sallyana November 26, 2019, 12:04 AM
I think like NTF stated in her post keep one eye open. I'm sure you are happy things are okay right now and you must be relieved. I guess I see some concern when you stated in your post "I don't know what to make of it" and "I'm just so confused". These statements indicate some uncertainty on your part and rightfully so. I just would hate for this pattern or cycle of her behavior to keep repeating itself. Its not fair to you to have the rug pulled out. My concern is for your well being and happiness which takes mutual respect and trust in any relationship.

Posted by: Parenting2 November 27, 2019, 12:25 PM
That's just super out of the norm. Who knows?? It sounds like a sound plan to move forward as normal without getting your hopes too high. I would still recommend that you seek out a support group and/or counseling to make sure YOU are being taken care of & that your needs are equally important in this relationship.

I would ask yourself these questions or something similar (and, no need to post the answers, as they are for you. : ) ) I had a counselor share this exercise with me WAY back in the day when I was in college. I was in an okay relationship but something did not seem right to me. I have used this ongoing with relationships at work, at home, etc.

Negative answers don't necessarily mean you need to leave the relationship-just that it is not equal or healthy in the current state. Adjustments may need to be made.

How do I feel after being with this person? Do they make me feel good about myself; a stronger person; a more balanced person? Do I feel safe and worthy in this relationship? Do I feel taken advantage of; feel worse about myself; feel weaker or more unsure of my worth? Do I feel uneasy or down after spending time with the person?

Just an honest opinion and you can take it for what it is worth. You are spending a lot of money on her. If I was her, this would make me feel uncomfortable because I wouldn't feel right taking that type of money/gifts. But, I am kinda a feminist, so there you go. : ) Just make sure it is balanced for you. Take care of yourself.

Good luck and keep us posted. I hope it works out and she continues staying clean.

Posted by: Sallyana November 28, 2019, 12:30 PM
P2 I really like the questions you shared with us, very helpful. I wish you and everyone in our forum a Happy Thanksgiving!

Posted by: samegame November 30, 2019, 4:34 PM
First a belated Happy Thanks Giving to Sallyanna and rest of board.

CP, as many pointed out I'd be kind of leary. From what I've observed over the decades is that when an addict or alkie needs money, favors or a timeout of course they'll act normal & be extra nice. And I'm sure being arrested for the DUI at least temporarily put the fear of god into her. (Question in that state is a dui a criminal or traffic offense?) She knows she'll need lawyers, have to pay fines, mandatory programs and/or things like an ankle monitor or car breathalyzer so I'd be leary. Some people get duis they'll ease up sometimes but I've know others that go back to the habits that go them into trouble in less than 6 months with their drinking even worse.

Should note do not pay for her lawyers and fines. She literally needs to pay the price for her dui. I don't care how easy it might be for you to pay but that's one of the most glaring mistakes one can make. And of course after the legal process is done DO NOT put her on your insurance policy, buy a car for her etc. I've seen people make that mistake and things got worse for everyone. She must accept the fact there will be reminders of her dui for the next 5-10 years of life which is actually how it's intended with fines, fee, insurance etc.

Hope things work out for the better.