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Message Board > Pain Pills > Secret Abuser

Posted by: Dolleyes January 3, 2018, 5:18 PM
I'm a secret abuser of snorting percs. Only friends I got sucked into this addiction with and dealers know what I do. I have a very professional career and a couple kids, but nobody in my family or work knows. I've been able to keep my addiction a secret for 4 years now. Recently I got a settlement of a good amount and have been spending stupid money on percs. Snorting 15 to 20 every 2 days. Finally after the new year 2018 i got some subs off the streets and have been using those to get thru withdrawals because I want and need to quit. I need some words of advice on how to avoid relapsing?

Posted by: Dolleyes January 3, 2018, 5:24 PM
I have been using small pieces of 8mg subs whenever I feel withdrawals coming on to avoid withdrawal from subs. I've distanced myself from enablers but it's the will power of not messaging my dealer "can you find" whenever I'm craving the high or stressed. So I'm just asking for support going thru this alone. I won't confide in family to avoid having to deal with their disappointment. I can do this on my own. I just need to find the will.

Posted by: 12 stepper January 4, 2018, 9:27 AM
Doing it alone will make it pretty difficult. We're as sick as our secrets. Isn't there anyone you can confide in? At one time or another we all have to ask for help. It's not a weakness.

Posted by: flipperbaby January 7, 2018, 1:26 PM
Hey Doll. Hope you're doing ok. Take it from someone who's used willpower to quit numerous times. Im back again; thats where its gotten me. Unfortunately will power can only take you so far. Ive never been to a meeting due to my false bravado and starting to think maybe I don't have all the answers. I'm definitely honest with my friends, doctor, family (ish), but thats simply not enough I'm guessing. Time to take a new approach. Theres literally millions of us going thru the same thing as you, you're far from alone. We should really take full advantage of the overflowing abundance of wisdom from people who've been through the trenches. Have a wonderful Sunday.

Posted by: 24Gordon January 9, 2018, 6:36 PM

I, too, thought I had it hidden from most everyone, getting promotions at work, flying around high as a kite or sick as a dog but able to pull it off as the flu. Until I got clean and out of the fog (about 3 months for my brain to function correctly on all cylinders) did I realize how emotionally checked out of everyone's life I actually was. I was there physically, I would correspond with my children, show up at the baseball games & events but I couldn't FEEL anything, I was just a numbed out, pilled out Mom.

Today I can tell you it's so much better on the other side. Life isn't easy, in fact at times, life actually SUCKS but it's so much easier to feel through it with the support of the women in recovery that I am surrounded by, I don't walk through anything alone anymore and they also reassure me that my feelings will change and they won't kill me.

I did it off of will power for about 2 years, relapsing after 4-5 months, then get clean again a few weeks later and I just could not understand WHY such a strong willed women that has been through so much couldn't not take a little f*cking pill then I was introduced back into a 12 step program by a group of women and a few men on this site who suggested I do something different and I took that advice back in July of 2006.

I'm still a very active member in my 12step groups and I have so much gratitude for the people on this site who weren't afraid to speak to me the truth and suggest the very things I didn't want to do.

Keep coming back, you're amongst your people here.
Take care & be careful,

Posted by: sally4 January 9, 2018, 6:59 PM
There a people that just have no idea they do no your secret. Please no that. Good luck ...hope your well.poopie

Posted by: flipperbaby January 10, 2018, 7:48 PM
Stacey, out of all your pragmatic, profound words over the years, this last post really hit the nail for me.

Im a relatively social person blessed with great friends and a large family and it's very telling how Ive spoken to more friends in the last 4 days than the last 4 months. I wouldn't even answer my phone unless I was within 15 minutes of putting 3 percs in my face. It's clearly the other way around. Ive answered every call and I feel like a pile of goose droppings.

But what you said about parenting is so bang on to my experience. Couldn't have said it better

How in the world did I forget, or choose to forget rather, about the nuance of sobriety?

Posted by: flipperbaby January 10, 2018, 7:48 PM
Hi poopie! Hope you're doing better.

Posted by: sally4 January 10, 2018, 9:51 PM
we joined at the same time you mar 2005...were still here I'm doing good.

Posted by: Saintluver May 8, 2018, 7:24 PM
Hi!!!! How’s it going? I too have been living a secret life! I have a little one and a professional job. The fear of withdrawal taking me out of service has kept me hooked.

It started just a couple a day... it gave the energy I needed with a brand new baby. Then it got to 120 10 mg hydrocodone a month. One I lost my source for those i found a couple oxycodone sources. So I started taking anywhere for 4-7 30mg blues A DAY. Well my supply ran out and none were to be found last Wednesday. I was able to get some 7.5 hydrocodone and I have been tapering. Thursday was bad! Friday rough but not horrible and the weekend I progressively got better. Today I have only taken 2.5 of the 7.5 pills. I’m really proud of myself bc I found some blues and I have them. I have had them for a couple days and haven’t touched them.

Now I worried about WD’s. Even though I have tapered, from what I have read it sounds like I’m still screwed! I’m terrified!

Posted by: missdino May 9, 2018, 12:38 AM
Reading your last 2 posts was eye-opening for me because I am in the exact same position as you. Work, family, secret etc... Using methadone, worrying about withdrawals but more worried about the mental aspect of it and overcoming temptation. I would love to connect with you to talk more. It's hard when you are a secret abuser and have no one who understands.

Posted by: Diego5521 May 10, 2018, 12:32 PM
Was a secret abuser for 5 years but my wife found out and I wanted to get clean also. I have not taken a pain pill the past 3 weeks.

Posted by: sally4 May 10, 2018, 3:45 PM
I so sorry!! your pain was so bad ,you hid has a shameful deed.we all do that I didn't my wife new. And loved me ..but I still, just has prescribed she holds them .4 a day and I never ask for more, people say I'm not a addict ..but I am because when I don't have them back in the day I would lay in bed restless legs no motivation and live for the next refill have no appetite to speak of and smell every dame thing in the house that made me even more depressed but the blah feeling was the worst feeling and all the racing thoughts when my mind was in w/d omg.ok good luck. You can do it...if you really want it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Diego5521 May 10, 2018, 6:45 PM
Thanks Sally I had back pain and was proscribed pain pills at first I would take them as needed but over the years started taking more and more. I also get restless legs one of the many withdrawal symptoms. I just got tired of hiding it and having to go through withdrawals telling my wife I had a cold or flu and then going to work. I tried to quit the past 3 years. This is probably the longest I’ve gone without it in 4 years.

Posted by: sally4 May 10, 2018, 7:34 PM
yes its very hard and pretending to be ok ,When your in w/d is a nightmare plus working in w/d you want to just run away ,but its right behind you. I don't no what to say the .motivation and that blah feeling always made me go back over and over again. You will get to the other side. Try looking on u-tube (Ryan Donnelly) he's a great man ..listen to him it will help you a lot. Trust feel utterly alone is bad to, when you look at your family and your sitting on the couch and saying omg if she only new...and than feel like wth...aloneness is a killer but you can get to happy times again,time is the answer my friend time. And getting some face to face help.hang in there your doing pretty good 3 weeks you say not bad..

Posted by: Diego5521 May 10, 2018, 11:23 PM
Thanks for the advice I well look up Ryan Donnelly. We’re only as sick as the secrets we keep. I know it only gets easier each day. I come here to not feel alone and to get advice and sometimes give advice. It helps to not feel alone. Your stories your struggles and triumphs all give me hope.

Posted by: sally4 May 16, 2018, 5:30 PM
So did you look him up? Hes awesome ..ok take care..hugs

Posted by: Diego5521 May 17, 2018, 1:42 AM
Yes I did he is good thanks I'll listen to him on the way to work tomorrow.

Posted by: sally4 May 17, 2018, 8:21 PM
that's great I'm thinking of you.hope life gets better for will get happy again happier matter of fact.

Posted by: Diego5521 May 18, 2018, 5:08 PM
Things are going good I have my goods and bad days and through out the day. It's been 30 days and I have not gone more then 30 days in 5 years. Simple pleasures I enjoy more like food, I have and appetite for food I have not had in years. Ryan Donnelly gave great advice I subscribed to his channel. I thank you for your encouragement and advice.

Posted by: sally4 May 19, 2018, 6:44 PM
wow I have a appetite no matter what in w.d I don't but when on pills which I take 4 a day 10 Norco. What were you on and how much? and how many a day. Tell me about you..ok

Posted by: Diego5521 May 19, 2018, 8:18 PM
Well I was taking the same meds you were taking the past 5 years Norco 10-325, 4 a day I have a bad back. At first I would take 4 a day and no more then that. It's been the past year or two were I would take more and have too wait a few days to a week to get my refill. I got tired of going through withdrawals so I would try and taper down just was not successful. I went cold turkey and have not taken any opioids the past 30 days. So I've had withdrawals and when I go thru withdrawels I can't eat. That's what I meant when I said I got my appetite back.

Posted by: Diego5521 May 19, 2018, 8:44 PM
So yes I was not a recreational user but with all the bad press opioids have been getting (the opioid crisis) and people telling me it's too addictive and I should take Tylenol and work out lose weight etc. I don't like being dependent on anything but I also don't like enduring the pain. It's tough being judged. I see a homeless guy and wonder what lead to this? mental illness etc. I'm not in his shoes I don't know what he's been thru. Most people think homeless people are lazy or drug addicts it's sad.

Posted by: Diego5521 May 19, 2018, 9:12 PM
So yes that's my story I know it's not as bad as some of the other stories you have heard. I have sympathy for addicts I can relate to them more than anybody. The first time I smoked weed was at 10 years old, peer pressure. I got drunk off hard liquor when I was 13. I hung out with juvenile diliquents I did cocaine. But I stopped when I was in my 20s I have not done illegal drugs since. I would say most of the kids I hung out with have clean up there act or are dead or in prison.

Posted by: MassMan06 June 16, 2018, 4:22 PM
Hi Doll Eyes,

This is my first post here but I empathize with you. I too have used for years without much of anyone knowing.

I hope you are still trending towards getting clean. I am now 12 days off and I feel much better. Don't give up on yourself.