|I guess I'm about a week clean - this time - of my "drug of choice." I never cared much for that term because I've always been the sort of addict that didn't really have a preference. Alcohol, pills, pot, speed, psychedelics. Whatever was around at the time, that's what I did. But then when I was 18 witnessed my best friend since childhood OD on ecstasy. We were all doing it and, of all people, she was the only one who really didn't dabble much. Her parents were into crack and left her, all too often, caring for her younger siblings. So I think that had a lot to do with her restraint. But she did party a bit on occasion, and on this particular night, we all convinced her that this was something new that she just HAD to try. Well none of us, including her, knew of a pre-existing heart condition she had and ultimately our peer pressure lead to her untimely end. I've never gotten over it, or really forgiven myself, I suppose. And I swore I would NEVER again partake in the use of X as long as I live at her funeral. And I never have. So there is the only boundary I guess I've ever successfully set for myself. I've done a lot of things but meth has sort of stuck, and I shutter when I think about how long I've really been playing this little game with myself. I tried it first as a teen. Then years passed without having it cross my path again. I think I was about 24 when it came back around, so that was 5years ago. I'll go a week, a few weeks, a couple months. But once I get it in my head that I'm gonna get some and do it, that's it. That equals 3-7 days I'm high, then at least another week of a heavy, awful crash. Then likely another high. That's 2 bad choices that eat up a month of my life, and who knows what else....how pathetic. And now that I see it and know what it means to slip or "give in just once" or just get a pick me up to help me motivate, clean my house, etc...it's just so much worse. But I can't stop myself once I get that thought in my head. And I've ran off almost every person I know, especially decent "normal" people. The thing is....my own mother is my enabler. She's been on it for a cpl years now. She's always partied with me. She started smoking pot with me when I was 12, letting me and my friends drink by 13. We've done blow, she's given me pills, we do everything together. You know, everything but bake cookies and plant flowers and stuff....so now I've decided I'm getting clean. And I've tried to tip toe around the subject with her. Asking her if she plans to do this forever and letting her know that I want to stop but that I can't be around her knowing she's high and ....it's a fact that even if she knows I'm trying to sober up completely, all I have to do is ask and she'll give me some dope, FOR FREE .....so what do I do??? She's my only friend anymore. My best friend and my mom. I can't do this alone but she's the only other option and all she does is make it so much harder. I hope maybe finding this outlet online will give me some strength and support. Thanks for listening, whoever you are. God bless.