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Message Board > Families / Partners of Addicts > Ways To Counter Addict/alkie & Narcissists?

Posted by: samegame July 15, 2019, 9:10 AM
Are their verbal counters to many of the things alkies, addicts and narcissists do? Yes not enabling is crucial but other than not engaging in a debate or argument how would you throw them for a loop so to speak?

I rarely engage and when I do the counter argment is simple and obvious. They don't have the patience for longer prefaced arguments. It was by accident actually but I've also found going against the answer they were anticipating sometimes throws them, not necessarily what they want but were anticipating. Of course with a narcissists it would freuently be both because they know it all.

Is there a way to make a narcissist think or simply shut them up or back down?

Posted by: Sallyanna July 16, 2019, 4:16 AM
Samegame a method I've read about is called 'gray rock'. You can google it and read about it. Its basically being boring around them and responding to them in such a neutral way it just seems blah. The other option is to go no contact or low contact where you cease all relationship with them or you minimize being around them as much as possible. They need 'narcissistic supply' to live so you have to make sure your not the supply or giving them any.

Posted by: samegame July 16, 2019, 11:28 AM
Excellent! Sort have been doing it already but this helps.

For others interested and some further elaboration

Posted by: NyToFlorida July 16, 2019, 8:50 PM
Lol grey rock sounds good! I’m almost there. Last week talking to my son I played up the ‘I’m getting old, no motivation, not as quick as I used to be at work, slowing down’... his side “ cheer up mom, it’s not that bad, keep trying, can u put more money on my commissary, I need to place an order today”

There’s no good answer except do nothing and get out of the way. Do not be available. But it’s a double edge. How do u help yet do nothing.

Sad eyes - I do the same - read stories, watch videos, read and post here... he does attend group sessions in jail.

Mntmom - sorry you keep getting pulled in

I think the turning point for them is when their brain decides that the life style is too hard or not worth it. We see it is too hard. If they put the effort into getting better that they do for getting high, they would be doing great and still have time left over for a second job.

What they don’t understand is that they can’t do both. Can’t live on both sides of the fence.

I don’t think my son is at that point yet. He is still dealing (food) in jail. The meals are 3 times a day. Very small amount. Oatmeal, rice and beans. A meat patty white bread. They can buy items from commissary that cost 3x what it would in Walmart. So they buy drink packets and instant coffee, tea bags, they even have to buy sugar and creamer. Ramen noodles are a big seller. Chips and candy. They can make snacks between meals.

About a month ago we had the discussion that he would not be allowed home. He wasn’t happy about it. Recently he tells his sister he will go to someplace long term, but there is no plan. When I have talked of sober living he says it doesn’t exist and it doesn’t help. ** It does not exist on the list of what he wants to do. He wants to come home and use our resources and come and go. WE don’t want that. Been there. Not going back. It’s going to be hard to keep having that conversation. I’m going to mail information about sober living places, at least he can read it and hopefully pick one. On his own. We are not paying for it.

I know it’s hard to live on your own with low wage and start over with nothing, but lots of people do it. Our daughter is living on her own, sharing an apartment, her job is exhausting, her car broke down last week. She went to a dealership to buy a used one. Of course they will over charge her. She cries every time we talk to her. She will now be paying her own Ins and car payment... there goes her savings.... I’m rambling, .....

Posted by: Sallyanna July 16, 2019, 11:46 PM
I know it's hard. I wish they realized how young they are and they can start their life over. At my age I see how young my daughter is and a new start I would think would be appealing. I think her world has become so small and it evolves around getting her next fix. There seems to be no motivation no goals. Its a day by day existence.