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|Message Board > Methamphetamines > Daily Checkin In|
|Posted by: justonemore December 15, 2011, 6:42 PM|
| When I first came to this board, the lack of posts in the meth heading was an issue just as it appears to be now. There were only a few visiting the site from time to time. The suggestion of "daily posts" came up. There became a small core group of us who went with it. A few of us were actively using, some had months of clean time, and a few wives/family/friends of active addicts.
The main idea was to just check in each and every day,...if depressed and mad at the world, write about it,.....if struggling with wanting to use, having mad cravings,...write about it,..even if ya used,...write about it, was it a good or bad experience? had a need to vent about anything whether related to addiction or not? write !! Kinda like a simple morning "coffee group" all friends, no judgements,...
While writing about this I want to give out props to my good friend that I have such respect, admiration and joy for. She posted on several of the topic headings,...benzo's, heroin, pain pills,....she did it all!! She had a lot of serious life issues, the biggest one being unable to conceive. For her, it was a victory to simply slow down her use. It really looked like she'd use 'till the day she died. Out of the blue, she said she was pregnant, a blessing in itself, it also blessed her with the incentive to get free of all substances. She is now the mother of an incredibly cute baby girl,....not to mention Mom has never been more beautiful than now (which is saying a lot, she was a model before addictions got her) you are the best L!!
So, if any of y'all are interested in givin it a go,.....we can just use this one topic title to check in as often as possible, Drew! Jodie! being meth free is not a requirement, open honesty is the only rule. ya can't fight an addiction if you hide it.
|Posted by: justonemore December 15, 2011, 7:11 PM|
| hey!! OK I'll be the first to do a daily babble.
Something I took on as a way to rewire my brain was to finally stop "thinking" about doing some volunteer work for the holidays,...and actually DO IT.
Something many people are guilty of ( I think meth users do this a lot more than others ) is to have the best of intentions, yet never follow thru. The reality is that the "thinking" about it takes more effort than doing! Especially when you realize you made another persons day or holidays!
I have very strong feelings towards support for our service men and women. Especially the Marine Corp. Helpin out with their Toys for Tots program was a natural fit. I dont think anyone realizes the amount of work and effort it takes to pull that one program off. In this county alone they help from 1700 to over 2000 families with gifts for their children. Sure there are those who milk it,...the folks runnin the program do their best to weed out those who abuse the program,.......but let me tell you,...when it is obvious a family is hurting financially,...and being an addict myself,....I think I can judge pretty fairly who is in financial problems due to addiction,....and who is just falling thru the cracks of life. When you place bags of toys in a POS car, mom and or dad as well as kids wearing second hand clothes,...the smile on the kids faces ( doesnt hurt that I kinda look like Santa lol ) along with the smiles and tears of joy and gratitude from the parents is a feeling no drug can provide.
When struggling with recovery, always remember that there are those who are worse off than you,....there always is!! There is no better time to stop using than right now! You will battle depression,...I found the best way to beat depression is to forget about self and DO for others!! and there's no better time for that than during the holiday season.
thats my thought for the day,.....Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and I wish you all a safe, healthy and happy New Year!
|Posted by: MomNMore December 15, 2011, 8:05 PM|
|Hi Just, I love your new avatar =)
I just wrote one long post on another thread and I am going to rest...still not 100%. but I wanted to pop by and say hello and I'm so glad you're here...you are needed and I hope those two keep coming round.
You rock and I think you are wonderful.
Love ~ M&M
|Posted by: justonemore December 17, 2011, 1:29 AM|
|"I can't do it" never yet accomplished anything; "I will try" has performed wonders. - George P. Burnham
Grrrr, I just lost another long winded writing,...must be a sign lol
|Posted by: justonemore December 17, 2011, 3:49 PM|
|For today thought I'd share a poem from another site titled "the meth monster"
My first name is Crystal,
my last name is Meth,
I'm your tour guide through hell,
and your pain till your death.
I'm a rock in a pipe,
I'm a line on a mirror,
melt me down in a spoon,
for the needle so clear.
I'll creep through your lungs,
I'll ski up your nose,
I'll rush to your veins,
as fast as it goes.
Off to your brain,
to work on your mind,
you've never felt better,
I'm one of a kind.
However you choose,
to let me inside,
little by little,
you'll give up your pride.
You'll be doing things,
you never dreamed you would do,
now that I got a grip on you.
You'll be diving in dumpsters,
in the night all alone,
digging through trash,
for things to bring home.
you'll start cutting back,
on the good things you buy,
I'll take all your cash,
just keeping you high.
I will rot your teeth,
from the inside out,
I am The Meth Monster,
once I get in your mouth.
I am not a game,
but I love hide and seek,
sometimes I"ll hide out,
when you want to tweak.
It will be amusing to watch,
you search high and low,
chasing after me,
wherever I go.
I will possess your body,
and your soul will be mine,
your own willpower,
will get weaker each time.
When you dance with the devil,
you are so very bold,
It is hard to buy back your soul,
once it's sold...
~Written By~Debbera Neilson~
June, 24, 2007
|Posted by: MomNMore December 18, 2011, 1:39 PM|
|Good to see you here every day, Just...don't give up, people read even when they don't post...your words provide hope to those who may not have any at the moment.
Peace ~ M&M
|Posted by: justonemore December 18, 2011, 4:21 PM|
|The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly. - Buddha
We beat ourselves up over our addiction, the things we've done and not done. Even living in the moment is difficult when all our thoughts and desires are for just one more hit of meth. The future is bleak with the feelings of the moment. That's the terrible lie meth causes us to believe.
A simple change in perspective works miracles. Instead of dwelling on negatives,...dwell on the positive,....you've gone minutes, hours, days or whatever without using,....if you could get to this point, go a little further. Dwell on the fact you've accomplished more than you have before and take great pride in it. If or when you slip,....don't beat yourself up, instead figure out the whats and why's of that slip. As you learn your triggers, you can avoid them by being aware. Many of us in recovery view our recovery as "baby steps" it doesnt matter how many times you fall, only that you keep getting back up.
Thanks MnM, good to see you back and feelin better ;)
|Posted by: justonemore December 19, 2011, 7:40 PM|
|This losing everything written while posting is getting old,....I'll write again when I've lost my frustration grrrrrrrrr.|
|Posted by: justonemore December 20, 2011, 1:42 PM|
|"I can't do it" never yet accomplished anything; "I will try" has performed wonders. - George P. Burnham
This time of year is probably the toughest time to quit. The rush and hustle required by the holidays is a fit to meth use. No time to feel down, or depressed, so much to do with such little time. I'll sleep when it's over is most likely what a majority of us (meth addicts) think.
The problem is that there "always" is something on our plate that makes "quitting" not a feasible option at the moment. Meth has taught us that it can make any situation better, it doesn't really, it only makes it seem that way.
Too much to do,.....the kids require so much of my time and effort,....Paying bills, housework, .....the list can feel overwhelming of things we need to do each day. Sleep is just too unproductive. Hell,..our society has gotten so hectic, it feels like those days of leisure and enjoying lifes simple pleasures are gone. WRONG, freakin meth has had our minds moving at such warp speeds, we've lost touch with the realities of life.
Time and life are unstoppable, to me, meth made me feel like I could at least keep up. Like a cat chasing it's tail,...a whole lot goin on without a thing being accomplished.
I have a lifetime of "wanting" to quit. There are two very difficult parts in meth recovery. The first is letting go of meth. "I can't do it" will run thru your mind like crazy. "Now isnt the time" is another,.....WHEN WILL IT BE THE RIGHT TIME? NEVER.
Jodi, Drew, anyone reading this wanting to quit,....There's nothing better than marking a special occassion with a special act. I used my 50th b-day to kickstart my recovery. Why not use this Christmas, Holiday season,...the New Year as your marker!! So what if you use? if you weren't an addict you wouldnt be here anyway,....enjoy the season, just try not to get carried away,....then come January 1st 2012, commit to your recovery. Throw caution to the wind, give your addiction up and give yourself to the world. You'll always be able to look back and KNOW that this was your turning point.
|Posted by: jodi.3 December 20, 2011, 2:42 PM|
|I visit this site everyday to remind myself not to use,. its been working so far my meth use has decreased again and i can manage not to use everyday,.im statring to see new light to my life, my husband is happier now coz im home and spend most of my time with them,.gotta be honest but today im a little disappointed of myself coz after a couple of days of not using when the withrawal stage kicks in that i couldnt get up from bed RELAPSE here we go again...i will follow your advice @ justonemore i will give myself a marker and hopefully with moral support,determination will power and Gods mercy i will get passed this addiction i can feel the end of meth is coming very near..Honestly i was about to use now but for some reason i checked this site and read daily checkin id rather sleep instead of taking more of that monster..thanks justonemore your posts are really of great help..God Bless you and to all the addicts who are struggling to quit their addiction... let quitting for a better life be our gift to ourselves and our loved ones..|
|Posted by: justonemore December 21, 2011, 12:32 PM|
| I don't know how you feel about that goin to bed instead of using. I'm gonna guess at best it's just a "blah" feelin. The drop in endorphins makes everything pretty bleak. Getting the brain's chemistry back to a healthy, natural process takes time. If you had gotten all busted up in a serious accident, your body would need time to heal, physical therapy to teach the muscles and joints to work right again. Meth is hell on the mind,....but the more I research, the more I'm blown away by the resilience and ability of our brains and bodies to recover.
When I reached my 365th day meth free I was feeling pretty good for the most part. Periods of good with the occassional mad cravings which for some reason seemed to come in 30, 60 and/or 90 day cycles. As circumstances had it, I was back in my old area on my 51st b-day, the cravings hit,....."I been good, what can a little hurt?" poof! picked up an 8-ball. ( sadly, an 8=ball to me was "a little") The way it hit me, with the past year of recovery fresh in my mind was an eye-opener! The things that mistake taught me and the fact I chose to learn from them cemented my resolve to remain clean. I worry that as time goes by the memory of recovery will fade, complacency will fill it's place and "what can it hurt?" willl happen again.
That's why I still visit the boards, Thank God for the internet, where else could you totally open up with all your demons in total anonymity? ( well, an anonomous as you choose to be ) and where else could you reach out for help and be helped from people all over the world? Realizing there are people in the exact same situation helps so much,...when ya discover it's the same world over,...ya can't help but realize this happens everywhere.
ooops, there I go gettin sidetracked again lol,
((((((((Jodi)))))))), I can't explain how glad I was to read your post. The fact you are still here even if it's just readin, the fact you havn't given up. 2 days not using is still 2 days,....cutting way back on the amount is an accomplishment. And even if you think that going to sleep instaed of using was nothing,.....Thats a huge victory. When you learn to enjoy and have pride in making the right choices, the easier quitting becomes.
|Posted by: Zed h December 21, 2011, 4:15 PM|
|I have a addiction to this dirty glass pipe an It never bothered me til the other day wen I completed a pre apprenticeship in carpentry an passed every subject full marks I had never done that i was a high school drop out an my dad mum Nan's girlfriend were all so proud an that was a better feeling then any drug ,but i fell in an I had a few pipes the other nite now I couldnt sleep probly spent most me money an feel like s*** today i want this problem gone but it's hard to say no cos the time it's fun can anyone give me some ideas cheers zed|
|Posted by: justonemore December 22, 2011, 1:24 PM|
| Ah Zed, I hear ya, "the good times" is an issue I struggled with and probably always will. The only real big issues I had with meth (at least the only ones I was aware of) was what it took to stay supplied ( finances, available supply, time, and risk )
If I'm gettin you right, like you, I felt like sh*t after a run,...some wrenching in the garage, household chores, yard work, playin with the kids, playing video games, downing beers and drinks with friends,.....all things most all people do without a problem when done normally. Meth fueled 24/7 is another matter,...Eventually the body has had enough and regardless of meth,....crashing was inevitable.
Feeling human again ALWAYS took more meth,...starts out as just a little maybe to get a life goin,...it'd feel good, then more was even better,....the cycle is on. Our minds/brains are "trained" , "wired" or "programmed" to know that meth makes it all better. Just as we learn EVERYTHING from birth on,...to an extreme.
Reading reports from various studies, they say the highest levels of dopamine and other "pleasure" neuro-transmitters occurs during mind-blowing sex. If memory serves me right, to a person just high on meth, those levels are up to one thousand times higher.
Sounds like a reason to use meth to a lot of folks, the problem is, you play, you PAY. Pretty much anything you use far beyond it's capacity will take a sh*t, burn out, stop working, the brain is no different. In the beginning, a quarter gram did me good for a weekend + wired out of my socks,....years later.......it took a whole gram a day just to feel normal. The tolerance to amphetamines of all types goes up rapidly.
One thing EVERY meth addict in recovery has said to those seeking help ,.."It will never be easier to quit than now,...the longer you continue using, the more difficult it becomes"
|Posted by: justonemore December 22, 2011, 2:18 PM|
| Thinking about you Jodi, hoping you're well. As good as it was to just go to bed instead of using,...try not to fall into the habit of just laying around and/or sleeping. It does nothing to help rewire your brain and only reinforces depression and the need to use.
Just a simple 30 minute walk each day helps,...if there's a nice park nearby, even better. Gettin away from the hustle of city life, a place to relax and get back to nature. Find and get to know your inner-child again. Remember how just the simplest things gave you such a thrill as a child? Let your inhibitions down and get that back.
When talking about the power of positive thinking, a lot of people don't get it. You know how some music will make you feel sad? other music makes you happy or feel love? Some songs give an uplifting insprational feeling?? Same thing.
When quitting I got more into music than I've been in my life. Playin on the 'puter lookin up new bands/musicians,....I found a lot of great music that really affected me. I have to admit (tough for a man to do lol) to breaking down completely often, uncontrollable tears while listening to some songs. Became a huge fan of the blues,...while country is a lot about heartbreak,...with blues, I found a lot about overcoming struggle and addiction. Beth Hart's "learning to Live" , "Monkey Back" became my theme songs.
When going without using,...when a song stirs your soul, when it inspires you, makes you feel and want love,.....when it makes you cry uncontrollably, and even if it makes you curl up in a ball on the floor, flooded with emotions,.....CONGRATULATIONS! you are feeling again, real feelings,....your mind is in the process of rewiring/reprogramming.
It feels like you're losin it, the craving to use will be HUGE why? because meth always made things better before.......you think. Do I still get cravings? the mad "have to have some" cravings faded somewhere between 2 and 3 years clean. I won't lie though, I admit to having an occassional "want" too many "goodtimes" in my history to lose that want. That's why I'm dedicated to this site,...If I lose sight of how difficult quitting was, or the grip meth had on me, I fear that want will become a reality.
To meth addicts,...meth does "seem" to take on a life of its own. A Demon, a Beast, a monster,....many even refer to it as the devil. It only has the power you ALLOW it to have. No one or no thing "forces" you to use,...your arm or leg wasnt broken, you aren't being tied down and meth being forced into your system. Using is a CHOICE, just as NOT using is a choice.
Not only does not using get easier, life, love, relationships, and yes, even sex get better, much better than they ever were using. Something every recovered meth addict has said.
|Posted by: justonemore December 23, 2011, 3:02 PM|
| Good mornin all, I hope you are all doin well. I was just thinking I should have titled this thread " The Daily Meeting" At another site a friend decided to try going to AA meetings to help with her drinking, she said she "didn't get it". A lot of people don't get it whether an AA, NA or any 12 step program. Given the chance, the right group ( one you feel comfortable at, a welcome newcomer and new member of a type of family) helps immensly. Like people, with like issues, on like paths, all with the same goal in mind,...to stop using, and to live life on it's own terms. Better than hangin out with partiers eh?
Usually at a meeting the person "holding the chair" the one who runs the meeting will pick a step and/or issue to discuss amongst everyone elses input. I guess that's what I'm doin here now in trying to post each day when no one else is. I grab and go with whatever pops into my head as my day goes on.
With it being the Holidays, watching the news on TV and hearing the controversy again over "Merry Christmas", "Happy Hannakuh", "Happy Kwanza" and all religions beliefs as well as Atheists all being unaccepting of each others personal beliefs. The "higher Power" aspect of the programs is on my mind.
If you don't know,....these are the 12 steps of NA;
We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.
We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
3,5,6,7 and 11 speak of God. Not a problem if you believe in God. step 2 simply says a "power" a "higher power" if you will. A great many addicts get turned off to the 12 steps because of their beliefs about God and religion. Those with belief seem to get more out of meetings I think because they are already in touch with their God.
To those without Faith,...."Higher Power" does not have to mean God, Christ, the traditional definition. Even an Atheist has to admit that our world as well as universe is filled with amazing wonders and powers. The more science takes the mystery out of things, the more magnificent the natural universe is. There is no denying that there are powers and forces at work for all time. How can you not believe that you as a person, grown from one cell, are not a miracle in itself?? If you don't believe in God,....use the term "Higher Power" That term can be defined by the miracle that is you. The fact that powers we are still trying to learn how they work, have EVERYTHING to do with EVERYTHING from past till future.
There is without a doubt a greater power over us all,...be it God, or just science/nature, find your belief, find your faith. Faith being a simple belief in something nothing more than a hope. Peoples prayers DO get answered,...God? positive thinking? coincidence? Does it really matter? if it works, it works! Personally, I don't think there is any one correct religion, I think they ALL are correct, for those who follow each one. it isn't right to say anothers is wrong. Saying Merry Christmas is not pushing ones religion onto another, it's an expression of goodwill and cheer to others based in personal beliefs. Before the birth of Christ, this same time of year was a celebratory time,...the Yule season.
Life is complicated enough, this time of year makes it so soooo hard for addicts to quit using. Using does pop thru my mind at times, That intense super-hyper-focused energy meth gave , gave me a lot of good memories. Getting caught up in the holiday frenzy is something I know I can not do. Staying meth free, being able to live and see another x-mas is the greatest gift I could ask for. Given by God, my own doing, or the Angels that guard over me, it's a blessing.
A blessing I want all of you to have. Jodi, Drew, and so many others I've chatted with. I want you all to know I am so very grateful . You all help me to stay on this path, Thank you all
Have a wonderful and blessed Yule season, may you all find your inner-strength, Faith that all things are possible and accomplish everything you set out to do. Alone, accomplishments are difficult, together, there is nothing that can't be accomplished.
|Posted by: arrowtie December 23, 2011, 10:59 PM|
|I'm reading.......thanks for this just.....I would flick to this page wondering y Meth was such an unused board.
Maybe that's part of the drug. I've tried it. But never been attracted to a upper. I'm a ex partner of a speed/Meth addict. So the insight is useful as there are kids involved.
Someday's I wish he would find this site.
So I wanted to let u know I'm reading.
|Posted by: justonemore December 25, 2011, 12:50 AM|
| Thank you arrowtie,....In learning to be as functioning an addict as I could be,...all those years of self-evaluation seem to have a lasting effect. I overthink far too much. All my family is out on the west coast. Christmas is good here usually,....this year for some reason , actually last night,...depression rolled over me like a truck.
I am over-analyzing the what and why's to the max. I know from my relapses this is a trigger. There are a lot of thoughts/feelings I wish would go away. Meth always "SEEMED" to make things better. As long as I'm ahead and faster than my troubles,...life was all good. Those things we think we're gettin past are like a snowballl rollin down a mountain, gathering size and strength,....sooner or later it'll catch up and hit ya like an avalanch.
For now, I have to have faith that this is just temporary. Everyone has problems at some time or another,...In the real world, people deal with those problems as they come along. I set out on this thread wanting to make at least one post a day,....I'm ok, just feelin down to the point I don't feel like talking, isolating ones self is another common trait amongst us methheads.
think I'll head off to bed, tomorrow is another day,.. Merry Christmas everyone.
haha, that seemed wierd to say after such a downer post,....
|Posted by: peache December 25, 2011, 7:49 PM|
|heyoh, merry christmas to you too, justonemore, thanks for all the truth, helps sooo much, more than your ever know;|
|Posted by: justonemore December 26, 2011, 2:31 AM|
|Thank you Peache, ooops, I missed my post for today the 25th. It is a better day, late , I'm tired and headin off to bed, want to wish everyone another Merry Christmas, a new year is coming up next weekend, I wish you all a safe and great New Year.|
|Posted by: Elliott December 26, 2011, 5:56 PM|
|I alos read it...
|Posted by: justonemore December 26, 2011, 8:49 PM|
| Thank you, I wonder at times if I'm just talkin to myself lol.
Now that Christmas has passed, I'm feeling myself relax and feel better. It's a stressfull time, and stress is a huge, huge trigger. I'm thinking of Jodi, Drew, zed, and all you others struggling. Please don't be down on yourselves if ya used, personally, if you were able to quit during the holidays, I bow down to you, my hats off,....you pulled off a holiday miracle.
Or maybe the only reason you didnt use was because you couldnt afford it,...hopefully because you had your priorities straight. Putting the kids, family, rent, bills, food first. It may not have been the hoiday you wanted,....but seriously, it was what was needed. THAT is something you should feel proud about.
Be good to yourselves, addiction to meth happens, more than we think. It's a tough nut to crack, strength grows through forgiveness of ones self, and pride in ones choices. It is not a weak person who reaches out for help, it's a weak person who won't.
Love and respect to you all.
|Posted by: justonemore December 28, 2011, 6:41 PM|
|grrrr again,...was logged in, wrote a fairly lengthy post that I was feeelin really good about and when clicking "post" it acted like I wasn't logged in, another lost post. maybe I'll try later, Hoping everyone is doin OK|
|Posted by: justonemore December 30, 2011, 12:36 AM|
| A very common theme amongst those trying to stop is that feeling of hopelessness. Feelings of worthlessness which in turn cranks up the depression factor. How do you fight depression when it "seems" you have nothing to be happy for?
Find a reason, or if you can't do that create a reason to feel good. Meth takes such a toll on the natural, reward and pleasure system of the brain,....it takes time and effort to rewire, or reprogram the brain. Try ARK,....Acts of Random Kindness! Far too many people focus and concern themselves solely on themselves. Constantly looking only at what they don't have, instead of being grateful for what they do have.
Maybe you think you're a loser due to your addiction,...the fact you are struggling so much,....you've convinced yourself you can't do it (quit) thru all the times you gave up. That's something I did. You are actually in a unique position,...one in which you can help yourself, by helping others. Even if you are still using, to share, to help a family member or friend gain an understanding of the meth addict they love will reward you in ways greater than any high meth gave. Did you ever listen to someone tell you to not use drugs who never used?? Those people caused me to check that S#*t out! "Who are you to say I shouldn't do that?" was my attitude,...Geeeez, I sure get it now hahaha.
When you stop dwelling on your own misery, and do something very selfless to help another. It might just trip you out how much better it makes you feel. Taking lil baby steps towards finding a happy life again. It's amazing the power struggling addicts give to each other when opening up and sharing the crap they are going thru. Cry together, b**** to each other, support each other,....and congratulating each other for their successes. You really do not have to go thru this alone,....why would you want to?? not when alone is the very toughest way to go. Just reach out, ......and do not let go,....
|Posted by: mairh December 30, 2011, 5:37 PM|
|Nice one lol your an inspiratin well for me that is and hopefully for alot of other addicts out there. Am a herion user and l havent touched it for 3 months now, am taking subs. This was the first christmas being clean with out rushing out the door to score. Dont know were to start got so much l want to say.|
|Posted by: MomNMore December 30, 2011, 5:57 PM|
|Just start...tell your story...who you are...what you want...where you've been...do it here and on the heroin board...we're good people around here.
Merry Christmas, J1M...I owe you one :-)
Peace ~ M&M
|Posted by: horsepowa December 30, 2011, 6:38 PM|
|triggers....help....was moving a copier had away for last two years, ive been clean 2.5 years and when i moved the machine , it was like something elce was moving my body, boom boom, open up hiding place and my hands went straight back, there, like it was time travel, and there was my pipe, greatfull dead tin and meth, come play, come play with me friend , called that good ol" dame, crystal, could hear my child at other end of room, leaving going up stairs, looked at my pipe, not so clean, oh how i loved a clean pipe, and what a pipe always had great ones, hand made for me, got them by the box load,.......smashed the pipe, added water to the bag and kept the tin, and sat down and went into the past, i miss the whole game, the taste, oh the taste, but not the high and the thoughts spinning around for days, but the people and the party are over.....what do i do, i know there more dope and tools hidden, i just knew not to look for it, that dame crystal, is sitting there, waiting to see if i want a play, and i dont.|
|Posted by: justonemore December 30, 2011, 7:34 PM|
| Find it all and get rid of everything as soon as you can. You had the strength to smash that pipe,....use that strength now while you have it!! It's New Years Eve tomorrow,...then the start of a new year. Sure it is a struggle,..you're probably thinking "ah hell, it's only a little bit, what can it hurt?"
It will hurt your pride if nothing else. All those bad feelings you have now mulitiplied many times. Get rid of it,...and in spite of the cravings,...deep inside yourself you ARE going to know you did the right thing,....An action that took guts, strength, and a commitment to not use ......That's somethin to be real proud of,...hold your head up high knowing you were tested and passed.
|Posted by: justonemore December 30, 2011, 7:38 PM|
| just thought I'd add,....I sure relate to enjoying a clean, fresh pipe! . right now I feel the pull of using,....it's a tough go, You can do it,...think of the kids,...think of the clean time you have.
What I want to know,....how have you made it this long having a stash hidden??? great job
|Posted by: horsepowa December 30, 2011, 9:01 PM|
|never went a hunting......never spent time in the other house......too many ghosts.....cant go looking for it as i come across too many other memories, and they send me back to the other life, and her, sometimes i can taste it and feel so sad that them dayz are done, and so everything remains in the same state and place as it was the day i walked away from that dame, crystal......its now moving stuff to reclaim my office and work space, had to as ive sold my bike, took along time to get to this but shes gone now, goodbye, and now its the can of worms......i gotta just ride this one out, each time she tests me and yeah i keep thinkin one last party would be so...........yuck at the end just yuck, yes i think of all my clean time and kids and that makes me want a taste more, so im re livin the yuck of being high on my own for dayz and I HATED IT>>>>new years eve all those years ago is when i moved onto a pipe, and its new years eve and im screwed if i try and hunt the tools down, i know ill use, cause i want to......that pipe felt good in my had, ol' friend, dream makea, dream takea, gotta finda my muchness again and get strong as theres a box of brand new pipes, hidden in this treasure cave im trying to clean out, and the spooks of the past i so miss. I really thought i was past this. done and dusted, but these triggers are bad..|
|Posted by: justonemore December 31, 2011, 1:42 PM|
| Oh yessss, those triggers are such a b*@*h . I loved the pipe as well,...made my own,...spending hours upon hours with the torch, stretching, blowing and forming a new, beautiful pipe. Often, those I partied with would say I should make and sell them. Nah! that was my private, guilty pleasure. Then I'd realize I'd wasted most of my high, stash, and time "tweaking" Attempting to justify what I'd been doing as "art"
This is an example of why I believe the meth board to be so slow. With 7 years free of my "precious", after reading & replying you your post. I slept absolutely terrible last night. I had "using" dreams every time I drifted off. Waking up often as I dreamt of the pipe and my old friend "precious". I've dreamt of using meth before and I've always been able to talke it in stride. Was just a dream,...a free ride without the consequences,..just a movie.
This was different,...I felt these dreams as they happened. very "real" dreams, as if they were real life,...I'd wake up panicked, ashamed, dissapointed,..and weak. Cause I also felt that craving again to use,...to play with torch and glass pipe. whether still fighting the need to use meth,....or clean and past the worst,......often, the best thing to do is keep meth completely out of your head. Not thinking about it at all,...not even looking back, only forward.
If I had any connections for meth now,....I'd have to stop coming to recovery boards. Kudo's to you bro for having the strength to not go a hunting. When I ran out,...my hiding places got torn upside down,...every bag scraped, every crumb, fleck, found,...straws cleaned, pipes thoroughly flamed to extract every last bit.
Thats the biggest reason I don't go to meetings, do my recovery via the internet,. I'm safe this way. Smart enough to know the best way to win a fight is to not get into it in the first place.
What was kinda cool this morning, is I flipped TV channels and came across an episode of "Addiction" dealing with a meth addict. Funny how the world works sometimes.
I applaud and am so very happy for those who leave here as a need to remain in their recovery. As one who's been there before, knows meth, and those addicted to it better than anything else in my life. My gut tells me that many who've posted here have given up. Too difficult to quit,...not having the time, too busy, unwilling to get past the depression. Why bother? been doing it this long, knowing another line, bowl, hit, will make you at least feel alive. How can "anything" ever feel good again without meth???
Not only does everything feel good again without meth,. It feels better, more enjoyable than ever. I promise,.....every recovered meth addict will promise you that,....just give it time, give life without meth a chance.
|Posted by: justonemore December 31, 2011, 2:25 PM|
|Jodi, zed, drew,....everyone who's posted, just want to wish you all a safe and happy new years. Y'all are in my thoughts.|
|Posted by: horsepowa January 1, 2012, 2:51 AM|
|oh man i hear you loud......but i have to at some stage clear this area out, now that the bikes gone everything feels ready to moved, just knowing that dame is lurking around waiting for me to turn her down or burn is a mixed up set and after having the first ever really touch and pull scared me upstairs, not going to give up my clean time for spooks of the past but a messy head can do such damage eh....|
|Posted by: justonemore January 1, 2012, 2:05 PM|
| Hey Horsepowa,...that struggling you have goin on is tough to endure. Be proud! take pride, put a little effort into feeing good about yourself for not giving in. You are an inspiration to me, and all other addicts.
Deep inside your mind,..the end of meth is near. It's a scary proposition for us meth heads. Lord of the rings,..Gollum and "precious" is a great comparison. Meth, like the ring fools you into believing it's power is so great. an unrelenting draw to it. well, you get the idea maybe, if you're into such movies.
This morning I watched a few episodes of a show called "brain games" on the National Geographic Channel. It gets deep into the complex workings of the brain. Our perceptions, interpretations, thought processes and such. Blows my mind that substance abuse doesn't wreak even more havok on the brain. Also surprising the heck outta me meth hallucinations are not a fact for each user.
This is just my opinion, and interpretation of some things this show brought to light. They proved how we all (98%) are only capable of focusing on one task at a time. So-called multi-taskers simply are able to switch their focus from one thing to another more easily. It is also amazing how our minds are wired to take shortcuts. Kind of like when you type letters into your search engine, it automatically brings up things it "thinks" you're headed for.
Magicians use these quirks our brains have to do what they do. We accept what our senses tell us to be true. So when quitting meth, it is difficult because every sensory system practically wants what it's been getting. Then with us feeling so down and depressed,..all our attention and focus is on all that. A snowball effect if you will to a dark lonely isolated place.
Making quitting, or staying off meth next to impossible.
Break up that pattern, stop that snowball,...switch focus from things thought dark, or impossible. To all things possible. For you Horsepowa,..you have a lot of focus on wanting to use that miserable dame again,...the more you dwell on that, the worse you feel about yourself. THAT is your focus, and how you feel are the results.
Everything exactly the same, but a switch in focus, view. You have what? 2 and a half years clean?? That's huge man!! Something to be very proud of, I've seen a LOT of big, bad, strong in both body and mind men fall to meth's pull. To those not into meth it may not seem like a big deal ( again, I in no way mean to take away from what other people have to go thru with their DOC ) To me, doin what you're doin is Rockstar like. I'll be flat out open and tell you I had a flash thought of " well hell,...if you dont want to clean that stuff out, I'll gladly do it for you!" Thinking geeez, it'd only be a little bit.
Granted, meth is an inanimate substance,...It did not force itself on us,....it is always a choice to use,......or not use. To keep using is the easy path,....but only in early recovery. Facing your fears, taking them all on, head on is a reward of itself. Think about it, you feel guilty when you use,..a negative,....Teach yourselves, train yourselves to realize and feel the good, the positive of not using. Your choice,......
|Posted by: horsepowa January 2, 2012, 1:31 AM|
|that was the craziest moment ive had the whole 2.5 years, closest its ever got.....lord of the rings, epic, knew a few people who worked on that moive, meth heads, great memories of the movies tho, they are filming the hobbit at moment.......are my memories of great times and them feelings on meth flashbacks?? sometimes i just sit a remember with a smile and wish i could see those crackers again, ha easy come easy go and know that they have no place in my life now and thats the end of it, but just of late wham, big time, do i really want nothing ever never to do with that dame, hell yeah.......after 2.5 years ive had to learn to live simple, not gramdiose supported, ha that was easy, but like you promised me it gets better and today i kicked some spooks a**e, and sorted a small space and moved some bike frames and boxes, man i had it hidden in the frames, gone, just add h2o, and im doing fine, i hear your words nearly at the end, bring it on; but fine is not fine for me so its off to the positive thinking tank and got the kids sorted to shoot some hoops, sigh....|
|Posted by: justonemore January 5, 2012, 7:44 PM|
|Can't believe I've got this cold again,..feelin rough, so may not be around much for a few|
|Posted by: mairh January 6, 2012, 1:36 PM|
|Happy New Year. Hope u get well stay warm and and have a hot soup.|
|Posted by: jodi.3 January 8, 2012, 4:40 AM|
i hate myself coz im still in this damn thing, yes the cutting down was somewhat a progress but i want to end it now..what do i do? i feel so helpless.. i don't understand why is it so hard if all you do is just stop.. very simple but its driving me nuts coz half there's still 30% of me that still want to keep doing what i got used to doing for the past 4 years of my life what makes it so hard is that all the activities in life includes meth all my triggers are part of my daily routine in life that i got so used to doing, my parents not to mention it was my mom who thought me how to use meth even the one who brought me to all my connections in meth. my dad just doesn't stop bugging me for meth even threatens me that anything can happen if i dont give what kind of parents are they right? i dont want to hate this world but you see everything from my parents friends everything around me everything i do meth is part of it so what do i do?. hope i find the courage here
|Posted by: justonemore January 11, 2012, 7:07 PM|
|You gotta get out of there! I'll keep my opinions of your dad to myself,....Do you live with your parents? whether you do or not,...you need to put some distance between you and them, as well as all your connections and triggers. Have you looked into any treatment facilities??|
|Posted by: justonemore January 14, 2012, 6:04 PM|
|jodi??? how are you? I'm here for ya|
|Posted by: jodi.3 January 16, 2012, 12:57 PM|
|hi, i appreciate your concern if you only know how much you've helped me.. i havn't taken meth yet for days not too long tho but the withdrawal stage feels awful i swear i cant get myself off from bed i sleep whenever im idle but if i move my body feels so heavy makes me just wana relapse..is there anything i can do for me not to feel this? how long will i feel awful..im not feeling good i swear i hope i can hang on to this much longer i dnt wanna relapse after all the effort|
|Posted by: justonemore January 16, 2012, 5:46 PM|
|awwww dang it!!! I just replied to you jodi,....unloaded everything I had to help and lost it when I clicked post,.....I'll be back in a bit to write another reply, for now, all I'll say is...
COFFEE, lots and lots of coffee
|Posted by: howdidthishappen January 16, 2012, 8:05 PM|
|drugs are truely posion there are no true drugs any more please stop|
|Posted by: jodi.3 January 17, 2012, 3:03 AM|
|hi, i just wanna share whats on my mind right now its kinda hard when you're alone and with nobody to talk to coz everybody you know are meth heads, i mean meth heads who don't intend to stop at all..its funny coz im like in a different world when im in this site reading all them posts and all,gotta admit it really is inspiring enough for me to try to convince those people in my circle and guess how'd everybody react? ( they thought i gotta pretty nice hit and they all laughed at me and thought i was high.. very pathetic right?..
Now back to my problem, right now im really lost i dnt know where else to find answers but here..why is it so hard to quit this damn thing when reality is we all can survive happily without it..Oh did i ever mention that when my mom thought me how to use meth i was only 14 and that i was really addicted to it ( i remember back in the days meth felt and taste so good high quality i hit then you're high you can be whatever you wanna be, be sexy pretty and yeah everything was too good to be true) so that went on for 3 years didn't finish high school coz i was too busy with my thing, then i met my 1st husband he didnt like meth heads so i got serious and that 3years of addiction stopped right away i loved my 1st husband so much meth addiction didn't have a stand at all..i was clean for 7 years didn't finish highschool but i landed a good job built my career in the BPO industry and all,.my lifes story is long and complicated but i figured it may help determine how to treat my meth dependency..for 7 years i was clean off meth i swear that was easy back then but 1 day my husband asked me if i wanted to use meth and said it was just one time,.oh well knowing the feeling of course i gave in so it went on realizing that my husband who once hated meth is already an addict and got me back to the habbit and all the problems followed he was playing with some girls you know what i mean, i got depressed since meth felt good i made it my best friend then i met my new husband the one im with right now he is what every woman would want i think he's matured 29 yrs older divorced responsible well off man he is clean no vise at all he gave me money to hep me got me out of my 1st husbands side (didnt know im into meth) then friends came popped out from everywhere unfortunately all were meth heads im the only 1 who was financially capable to suffice the meth needs of everyone then 1 of my so called friends betrayed me set me up had me caught by the dirty cops who uses meth aswell all money talk called my 2nd husband asked to bail me told him about my addiction traumatized my husband coz he didnt know i was a meth head after that its like falling down the hill its been 4 years since i went back to meth i dont know why i was able to quit before and it seems so hard for me to quit now..i gathered maybe because everybody around me for 4 years are all meth heads Bad influences im getting agry just the thought of them a holes..seriously im so confused i dont know what to do where to start my life stops without meth i literally cant move or stay awake for an hour without dozing or munching something..i hate it if there is a place i can go to where people like you i can be with to start a new life clean of meth ill move heaven and earth just to be able to quit this damn thing coz im tired of being a meth robot really.
|Posted by: justonemore January 17, 2012, 2:20 PM|
|(((((((jodi))))))), You actually have so much more strength than you know. Knowing all these details of your situation leaves me impressed with the mere fact you have such desire to quit, have tapered back,...even go a few days without using!
You are caught up by circumstances, just about every person in your life, every bit of the environments you are in, all push you to use,....How does one stop using when everything around us pushes us to use?? to not change all the people you know, and remain in the area you live will take superhuman power to stop using, and stay clean.
The fact you are the only one in your group who can see the problem meth is speaks volumes about who you truly are as a person inside. You are not failing at quitting, just struggling,..just like all of us metheads have,......Only besides having to deal with your own issues over not using,....you have all this added crap pushing you to continue using.... If you stay in the environment you're in and manage to get clean,...you'd be the rockstar of meth recovery!! You would be such an inspiration to struggling, and recovered addicts everywhere.
You already have a lot of answers to help you succeed, you just dont see them because you're lost in your addiction. You've quit before, you know what works,....you have failed, which is only a failure if you do not learn anything from it. Try to not beat yourself up over using,...instead, accept it as wrong, and learn from it. Each and everytime you use when ya really didnt want to teaches you valuable lessons.
The slip I made on clean day 365 could easily have driven me into a tailspin. I made a choice to own up to what I did,....and learn from it. Taking notice of where my head and emotions were at when I chose to use again. Making extra intense memories of what I was feeling and thinking the entire time I used. Also everything I went thru after using just a little after a year clean. That one slip taught me more about my addiction and recovery than the entire 365 days prior. Thats why I consider my clean time to go back to my 50th b-day and not 51st. I will not think negative, that I was a failure because I used. 365 days was such a huge accomplishment,....had I picked up a second bag? ya, it'd be a failure. Maintaining a positive outlook is the only way I kept depression from breaking me. That slip to me wasn't a bad thing,..it was the greatest lesson I learned in recovery,...I chose to look at that slip as what has made all the time ever since easier.
I'm gonna get long winded, so I'm gonna post bits at a time, maybe I wont lose my post again hehehe
|Posted by: justonemore January 17, 2012, 2:37 PM|
| A part of your post really rang true to me in terms of "meth friends" The fact you kinda got away, got your life better on track and ended up being more financially sound, then all your meth friends came around!!! How true!! how typical of methheads. Always nothing more than "fair weather friends" If there's anything to be gained they're your best friends, only untill the sacred cow is milked dry.
The perfect description of a methhead;
Any addict will steal from you,....but the meth addict will steal from you, and then help you look for it when you discover it's gone!
ya,..really helpfull friends methheads are!! not!
The sluggish feelings, lack of energy, aches and pains every movement have, while being the toughest part of meth recovery for many involves. Everything from parents, to friends, to just living in the middle of every trigger imaginable will be an even tougher row to hoe.
Not sure if you've mentioned it before, may I ask what part of the world you're at?? Is there any way you can take your job skills to another place? the further the better.
|Posted by: justonemore January 17, 2012, 3:10 PM|
| OK, now, leaving all that stuff behind, and getting back to your earlier question about tricks to use that help.
The quickest way to say it is become a health freak. Instead of life revolving around meth, change your life to revolve around a healthy diet, and healthy lifestyle.
Now to detail tricks and tips;
Like I said,..coffee, to me, meth was just coffee on steroids lol. It's a stimulant, maybe a weak one, but it's legal, and is known to have health benefits. Just try to always keep coffee to mornings or early afternoon,....too late, or too much coffee will interfere with sleep, can give ya jitters as well......as with all things,...moderation.
Energy drinks,...they can help as well,...but same as with coffee,...early, and dont over-indulge....energy drinks also have some health consequences,...high blood pressure, only use as last resort, and not often
WATER, lots of clean, pure water. I buy cases of bottled purified water, it makes it easier for me to keep track of fluid intake. Start your day by drinking a full bottle first thing,...end your day the same way,.....try to drink at least 3 more during day, more if ya can. Water really helps flush all the toxins out as well as hydrate you. Dehydration is something many many meth users suffer from.
Avoid sugary beverages as much as possible. The poor diet and excessive sweets most methheads indulge in throws the bodies blood sugar/insulin levels all out of whack. Starting your day with a bowl of oatmeal helps to maintain a balanced glucose level and level energy levels.
If you dont have a drinking problem,...BEER. Only one,....occassionally two have surprisingly good effects. From flushing toxins, to heart health, stroke prevention, cholesterol levels, blood pressure.....A book I read by a renowned meth cook recommended beer for detox, that was many years ago, I just read an article a couple days ago, taughting the health benefits of one pint of beer a day. It has 10 healthy benefits, more than red wine.
Nutritional supplements. a balanced daily multi-vit, an extra higher potency balanced B-vitamin is best, B-12 and B-6 help the most. Vitamin D. There are specific amino acids, but can get confusing,...I use a high-protein shake powder mix from wally world. It's cheap and has high amounts of all the amino-acids.
I was so lethargic and lazy when I first quit,...it took a lot of effort just to get up and use the bathroom,....taking a shower wore me out,....fixing meals was way more than I was ready to handle.....I did some research and label reading thru my last days of using,....I knew what was comin. Oddly, I found ultra-slimfast to be a nicely balanced nutritional meal replacement drink, it also had more fiber than any other meal replacements. I stocked up on that, instead of grazing on crap,...I'd just drink one in morning, afternoon,.....and then something simple and easy for dinner,....Microwave food isnt the healthiest, but if ya compare labels,...there are some that are not THAT bad lol.
|Posted by: MomNMore January 17, 2012, 3:26 PM|
|So glad you keep coming back for more, Jodi (more HERE that is). You are still trying and that means you have a fighting chance...GO YOU! Keep listening to our resident expert and he'll have you shaking that dust in no time. I am out here rooting for you.
Peace ~ MomNMore
PS You are *such* a Yoda, Just =)
|Posted by: justonemore January 17, 2012, 4:19 PM|
| On the post I lost, I went into details on the types of medical treatment options. I'm still debating if I should bring those up again,....what medication works for one person will actually cause more problems in another. Meds are really tricky and should be discussed and monitored by a doctor.
Many treatment facilities have a policy that absolutely no medications should be taken for 90 days, even 180 days. The thought behind that is a valid one. Brain chemistry is a very delicate and important balancing act. Drugs alter the natural pathways tremendously.. They feel it is best to allow the brain to settle in to it's new, baseline. It is at that point they begin to assess and prescribe meds to reach a better balance of neuro-transmitting chemicals.
Personally, I did a LOT of research into meth, and recovery over the last few months of using. Guess you could say I used meth against itself. What a better way to spend endless hours of energy and focus than to figure out how to kill the beast?
I'm gonna go ahead and discuss my experiences and specific meds,..I'll leave it up to mods to determine if it is inappropriate, they can remove it if it's wrong.
I found that Paxil was mentioned often in meth recovery. The day before I moved out here,...I went to see my usual doctor, I opened up and told him about my addiction to meth, the depression I know will come,...the fact I was leaving to get away from it,...and how the research I found recommended paxil......He gave me a script for it. it was next day I quit, flushed my stash, and began recovery. Did the paxil work?? I think it did,...Yes I felt depressed, but at least it wasn't a crushing depression.
The thing about meds,...what works, how well it works, how long it works all vary. Many people have very bad reactions to meds.....thats why it is important to have a doctor that will monitor you,...talk with you,..and most of all listen to you,....if not, find another doc.
Paxil worked well for almost a year,...then the depression got worse. Found a good doc where I live now,...he switched me to lexapro,....bingo! that worked,....unfortunately, only a while.
Out of desperation I went to local mental health facility to just find out what was available. I took them up on an outpatient program. The supervising psych prescribed something that didnt work at all, in fact I, who enjoys scary dreams, was having such vivid and scary dreams I was having hard time sleeping.....screw that.
I've been on and tried just about every anti-depressant out there. I hate that I have to take ant-d's. I tried going without a few years back and almost lost my mind. Seeking, and accepting help is something many people have a problem with,...I think even more so with men. it aint "manly" to talk about emotions to anyone, accepting help, using medication is a sign of weakness. Get over it people!! the closest friend I ever had was a guy who refused to show weakness,.....when life did what it does,...that strength snapped and he put a bullet thru his head.....ya,...that's real macho. I'll tell you what strong is! it's being real with life. Recognizing and dealing with weakness is STRENGTH.
Thats why I admire you jodi,...you are not weak, or a failure,...you are fighting a battle that will drop the strongest of people. You're hangin in there,..reaching out.....You will make it out, I got faith you will.
Anyway, the most popular meds used by people I talk to are
wellbutrin (careful, it seems to go wrong for many as well,...caused a panicky feeling in me)
Paxil (works well,.. do not use if pregnant, or are planning a preg soon)
lexapro ( what has worked the best and longest for me )
I've used all of those, and these here are all meds I've been prescribed over the last 7-8 years
Cymbalta ( an anti-d, but have noticed ads on tv as reducing pain,...is pricey if no ins.)
the ones that seem to work best with the fewest side effects are the ones that fall into the class of SSRI's or SNRI's
others in the tricyclic and anti-psychotics seem to have a lot of side effects and/or issues.
thats just some, but like I said,..please, if it just seems too hard to get off meth without med help,...find a psychiatrist, addiction specialist,....or since those are pricey and ins. coverage often limiting,...just a good doc who listens, and will monitor how you're doing works well also. Ya gotta open up and be honest tho,...they can only work with what they know....I've been known to write myself lil notes during the month about things I notice, think and feel,...so I dont miss anything to bring up when I see doc.
Thats been a lot of writing, I'm feelin your struggle jodi and want to help. All I can do is unload everything I know and experienced......you're in a very bad place to stand a chance in this,....There's people here that have your best intersest at heart. Gotta love the internet, who'd a thunk complete strangers from anywhere and everywhere on the planet could be better friends than the ones you have in person?
You are always in my thoughts and prayers jodi,
|Posted by: justonemore January 17, 2012, 4:20 PM|
|hehe, thanks MnM.|
|Posted by: justonemore January 17, 2012, 10:40 PM|
| Hey jodi,...tell ya what you ought to do; when your parents, or anyone of your using friends gives you a hard time about quitting, TURN IT AROUND ON THEM! Throw it back in their face that you are at least trying to do something they "can't"
Tell them flat out "why do you have to give me a hard time?? in the real world, parents, and people who care about others support the choices they make!! Just because I've made the choice to quit and actually do something to improve my life, and the fact you are so whipped by meth addiction, and too little and scared to do anything about it,....doesn't give you the right to piss on my parade!! Just because you have no self control or self respect doesn't mean I'm like you! I don't want to keep using, I WANT to stop! and that is what I intend to do!
Either support and help me with my goal, or get the hell out of my way!! If you want to be any part of my life, meth is not allowed. DO NOT give me a hard time, because when you do, I know it is only because you are too weak to quit yourselves! If you think I am wrong? then prove it to me and yourself,..let's see you go without using for at least one month. Otherwise, screw you, I have a life to live and refuse to allow others issues become mine!!"
jodi, being stuck in the situation you're in. Unless you move away,...the only shot you have is to take control of your life in a big way. It is gonna be a war, meth is the commander, all the users its army. You gotta pick a side, your side and fight tooth and nail for every victory. I'm so proud of the fight you've shown so far,....but you'll never win by pussyfootin around. By allowing others to use you for your money, and life situation,...that was pussyfootin, and the meth army walked right over you, crushed you, now look where you are.
Another funny quirk I've noticed about meth users,.....they're such lying, game playin head cases that they can't deal with the actual truth. it's like kryptonite,....or water on the wicked witch,......Don't play their games by arguing with them, between the talkitiveness and energy they have, they argue non-stop, they win all the time because normal people get tired of it.
Use the quick strike technique. Just hit em with what ya wanna say,....short, precise, and strictly the truth,...then leave,....
just a few helpfull hints from yoda justonemore ;)
|Posted by: justonemore January 18, 2012, 2:33 PM|
| I know exercise is the last thing ya feel like doin jodi. But, forcing yourself if ya have to, go out for a 20-30 minute walk at least 3 days a week. The more days the better. If you have a dog, even better,...dogs make great recovery partners. All they want is love from ya,..to spend quality time,....go for walks....
Exercise is the very best way to cure, or lessen depression. Sitting around feeling sluggish, tired, sore , depressed will only get worse if you do nothing. Just a few easy walks doesn't sound like much,...it isn't. In terms of the good you get out of it,...amazing .
Do not sit around dwelling on how much ya wanna use,...a walk changes your surroundings, gets your blood flowing,...you breath fresh air,...your lungs work better.
The brains desire for meth is difficult enough,...when a tired, sluggish body is added,...it's too much. A healthy diet and lifestyle will at least give your body energy,....then dealing with the mind is easier
|Posted by: jodi.3 January 18, 2012, 2:39 PM|
| I dnt know who you are where you are justonemore but i Thank God i found this site and i thank God for you I may be miles away who knows im in manila Philippines by the way if by any chance we get to see eachother i hope ill be fully sober and ill give you a very big HUG,.This war continues in my battle to kill the beast hell yeah its really quite tough to kill it but im carrying on ill still try harder everyday..its 3am i gotta go to bed now until your next post...
Thanks for the tips its gonna be easier for me now..i hope goodnyt everyone
|Posted by: justonemore January 18, 2012, 5:18 PM|
| I'm in the northeast part of the states,...originally from california. Just a guy who struggled with meth for the better part of his life. Meth, people who made, sold, used,...people who've had to deal with those people, have all been a major part of my life from the time I was 15yrs old.
I'm 57 now, I don't know why or how, whether just luck, genetics, or only for the Grace of God, I do believe in guardian angels, spirits that watch over us. I feel I was truly blessed by having several angels,...in spite of how I abused my life and them,....in spite of the fact I did my best to live faster than they could fly... They kept up,....they never gave up
The only way to show my gratitude to them, to life,...is to take and use everything I've been thru,...is to live with gratitude and be a person of service. For some reason beyond my comprehension, I'm still alive, the few issues I have are minor compared to the fact my mind still works,...I can think, learn, reason,...I can feel.
I was a biker, I rode hard, played hard, partied very hard, a manly kind of man who never backed down from anyone or anything. Quitting meth is without question the hardest, toughest thing I've ever done.
Besides the lessons I learned about meth and addiction,...My recovery taught me something invaluable about life. People get caught up in themselves "having stuff" money, cars, toys, big houses...the list goes on. I have literally died, flatlined a few times in hospital after a car accident. In the end, NONE of that "stuff" matters,....all that matters is were you a good, or bad person? Did your life matter? is the world better for your being? or is there a trail off garbage behind your life?
I wasn't much different from you jodi when I first posted here. situations are different, but the fact I couldnt quit to save my life is the same. Everything I just babbled about all came together here,...when I first made a good difference in someones life. When my life comes to an end,....for each and every person who has quit using, each relationship that is good again,..each person who has come to grips with the addiction (theirs or that of loved one) every life made better has me leaving the world a better place for my being,..in spite of my past.
To me,..thats how I thank my angels, my higher power,...my parents and family. This is what gives me strength,...this is what inspires me. This is how I got free of meth, and have been able to stay off it.
We ALL make mistakes,...there is not a single perfect person, never has, never will be. It's in how ya deal with mistakes that makes or breaks a person. learn from your mistakes, try not to ever make same mistake again,....forgive yourself and others. Live life with gratitude, and try to be of service to others,....what is gained by giving can't even be measured it is so great. but ya gotta leave ego behind.
You arent failing jodi, you're learning. Have faith in yourself, know that you are not alone in this.....its not just me out here,...there are hundreds and hundreds of meth addicts in recovery. We are out here, we know your struggles, your pain,...all you have to do is keep reaching out,....there'll always be someone, if not me to grab ahold and not let go.
I ask only one thing from you,....well, two, hehe,...never give up, and continue to share your story. When you discover your story helps another,.you'll feel what I've just been rambling about. All those people giving you a hard time are like cockroaches,.....The world needs more heroes, and you are going to be one someday. When you've quit in spite of everything, you'll be a rockstar of recovered addicts. I got faith that one day you jodi, will be the inspiration and help others look up to. give it a try.
|Posted by: justonemore January 18, 2012, 5:19 PM|
|dang! when did I turn into a preacher??? oh well|
|Posted by: justonemore January 19, 2012, 12:43 PM|
| I'm noticing a big trend here. The philippines has a major meth problem. I know it is not new, back in 89 I visited Guam,..talking with someone who had ties to Coast Guard, they told me about ICE becoming such a huge problem in all the islands.
However lately here at the board there seems to be more and more people from philippines seeking help. More non-users wanting to know how to help, or deal with the addiction than actual users seeking help.
Obviously treatment is an issue in philippnes. NA, other types of support groups, and addiction treatment programs are sorely needed. Hopefully the powers that be, will get on the ball and start doing something to change that fact.
|Posted by: jodi.3 January 19, 2012, 2:08 PM|
today wasn't a good day at all but like u said ill take it as a learning experience although i should admit im really disappointed of myself today i found my self almost in the same situation as i was before i found this site fortunately i realized where i was heading before i really swim again in the mud because of not getting the high i wanted to get..,doing such things and looking back is a huge regret not to mention i dnt have anybody to talk to besides you guys ofcourse who will understand why i slipped once in a while i cant imagine how my life will be in the near future to be honest im beginning to fear what my future might be sometimes i just want to disappear because of shame and regret but i know life must go on and i will always hope that 1 day ill wake up not looking for meth oh i cant wait to be sober..
1 more thing will a detox like being confined in the hospital help lower down my withdrawal symptoms coz all the hard work seem wasted when i slip..i hope my grammar is still fine im really sleepy..anyways i hope tom will turn out to be better..
justonemore you really make me look forward to reading your posts everyday it really helps sometimes i wish my husband would be like that he's also 57 and im only 28 he never took any drug at all thats why i coulndt just talk to him and tell him what i feel coz he will never understand what im going thru thats why this site plays an important part in my struggle to recovery thanks again..im sooo sleepy good night people
|Posted by: justonemore January 19, 2012, 4:43 PM|
|Tomorrow will be a better day ((((((((jodi))))))))|
|Posted by: justonemore January 19, 2012, 5:40 PM|
| To just "want" to quit will never be enough to stop!
The past is the past and we can't change that,...We can however learn from it, and should.
thats how we see what our triggers are. The people, places, situations and things that cause us to use. Don't be afraid to go back all the way,...why, or what caused you to become so in love with meth when ya first used it???
Many methheads I've met have some of the most horrific childhoods and experiences imaginable. rape, physical, sexual, psychological abuse in the worst ways. Meth gives freedom from those horrors. The mind so fast there's no time for lookin back, feelinganything,...it's pure outrunning everything in life. Every addict I've met with that on their plate never succesfully stopped using until they faced those demons... It's never ok for any of that to happen,...just know it was not your fault, you didnt deserve it,...it never should have happened. As embarrassing it may be,..how ashamed you may feel. ya got to face it, deal with it in some way. Therapy, a good friend,...online support groups, real life support groups,....ya have to deal with those emotional scars and issues in order to be succesful at quitting.
I on the other hand had as great a childhood as one could have. Wonderful mother and father, great 3 older sisters ( or maybe they were cause of my issues lol ) Looking back, the only things I wish were different are, one,..I wish my parents at least had a few arguements around me. They were so good I never really learned how to deal with relationship issues. They never drank, smoked, cussed, or argued around us.
Second, and biggest thing is, Their "alcohol,drugs talk" with me consisted of "don't do it!" that was it! I'd ask why? "just don't" was all I got. I'm naturally curious,..also a bit of scientist/tester type. Being told only made me want to try it,..."what is this don't do it all about? why shouldnt I? what's it like?"
I was a shy kid,..alcohol, pot, shrooms, lsd, mescaline, pills made me feel like I fit in better. I was workin in a restaraunt when first turned on to speed. I was instantly a super-cook, doing all the cooking, and backup bymyself on one of the busiest nights ever ( was a steakhouse )never missed a beat, got an order wrong, had several comments about my good cooking and speed I got orders out. Did the best cleanup after we closed anyone had seen,...I was also the closer and did all the books as well......I was superman,...I instantly loved all that speed gave me.
Never even occured to me to stop using until I was 30, had a 3 month old daughter and got arrested for posession.
I saw a court TV show today, the people had a familiar look to them. This is why I'm thinking back and sharin a story. I thought these peeps looked like meth users,...turned out they were from a town I lived in for several years. An area with severe meth problems. Eventuall they mentioned being arrested for meth posession,....all their stories really took me back. Thinking back,...this may have some to do with my eventual recovery.
My daughter was 5 when we moved to this town. The house I rented was owned by 2 narcotics/swat team cops. Wanting to not use, knowing the cops were more more interested in getting their rent money each month so I went for it.. It was a small town, I was constantly aware of my "image" The sight of any known drug users at my house wouldnt be good, and being a small town,...most meth users were known. The police were busy enough goin after the addicts creating serious social problems,....like robberies, violent crimes and such.
I went into a situation that forced me to constantly be aware of myself and image. Thats where and how I learned to be a "functional" addict...it was that, or get arrested. I also learned even cops have issues. I had a scanner, knew my landlords voice. I know for a fact he was on duty for 3 days straight, because I was up for 4. On day 3 he hit the "wall" when the body says "that's it! no more, I quit and getting some rest!" A normally sharp assertive cop became a mumbling baffoon. he was off air for about 45minutes, then back, sharp as a tack again....I am 99.999999 % positive he was on meth,....coffee just doesnt pick-ya -up like that.
See, meth affects everyone,....I don't blame a cop for using,...they are forced to work insane hours, they have meth from confiscations all the time.....You are not a loser for using meth. screw anyone who makes you feel less for being a user.
Face your fears and issues, own them, deal with them... understand why and how you started . You can beat this .
|Posted by: justonemore January 19, 2012, 7:27 PM|
| So if ya can't stop the cravings, the need, desire to use. Do the things you can do!. Change where you live, who you hang out with, who you "let" hang out with you. People, places, things all play a part in addiction.
Reminiscing back to that time in my life made me realize recovery wasn't just something I did, or any addict does. It's a bunch of baby steps. Just learning to become better at being a "functional" addict played a huge part in finally gettin it right. Yes I was still using,...but I was learning to stay away from the people and places. I got my stash in quantities that would last me, I did not want to be a regular at possibly known drug houses. Not wanting to be seen or thought to be a "tweaker" I policed myself. I worked at making sure I wasn't being obsessive, doing things too impulsively,...I have always been my biggest critic. Constantly rethinking things.
When it came to me finally getting quitting right,....All I really had to deal with was my depression, feeling so tired,...the cravings to use. I figured out that being near the places I used, around the people I used with,...knowing I could get a freebie blast just about anywhere close by,....knowing more meth was just a quick call away,....a quick trip, even a delivery,...I'd have never made it.
Maybe I couldnt control those urges,...but I did have the ability to change my environment, The only way for me to stop was to stop fighting the urges. My final hooorah was to leave it all behind. To finally beat meth was to stop fighting it.
Even still it was the toughest thing I've been thru. It is easy for me to give advice, support you all I can jodi,....and I will continue to do so,....but you are in a very tough place to get free of meth. I'm so proud of the fact you are able to do what you've done. Try not to get so down on yourself for your slips. I slipped up for more years than you've been alive. Every methhead I've known has had slips,...none has just quit right off.
Never give up, always learn from each use,..know the reasons and causes for each use,...ya can't beat em all at once,...but you can beat em one at a time. Eventually, beating your addiction completely. I promise you,..when you do, and you realize what you've accomplished,...shared what you've learned and helped another. It's a rush!! a feeling so much greater than any high. this "crap" you feel now,...using or not is just temporary, if you choose. The greatest things in life are those ya worked for, earned!! I promise you it not only gets easier and better,....but you'll feel more alive and happy than you ever dreamed.
It's easy to keep on being an addict,...it takes a person of strength, integrity, and a love of life to stop using. Anyone who wants any less for you is not worth your time. surround yourself with quality people who only have your best interest at heart. No one deserves any less. ((((((((((((jodi))))))))))))
|Posted by: jodi.3 January 19, 2012, 10:40 PM|
| i just woke up and first thing i did was to check and see if you've replied and im glad i did check i found myself smiling ang laughing when you told me abt that thing with the cops you moving out etc its funny coz it all sounded similar to my experiences its like everybody goes through the same path when you're on meth you're right when you're on speed you can be anyone you want to be a "superhuman".
you are such a blessing to me who ever you are wherever you are thank you, i don't have friends or anyone who gives me advice that makes me realize how life is just good i shouldnt waste it.a lot of times i feel like i just want to give up everything to a point i wanted to kill myself thats why i seek for help and got to this website which is amazing and FREE..
Today is another day another baby step for me i had my things and all ready to take my goodmorning hit but after reading your post and you mentioned about coffee i made coffee instead i got this super strong coffee from some store yesterday i hope it will wake me up..
This is one of my triggers back ache headache feeling of general weakness when meth is wearing off your system its so hard..
|Posted by: jodi.3 January 19, 2012, 10:44 PM|
|its so hard its just so hard when i hear METHina calling me oh no..
|Posted by: justonemore January 20, 2012, 5:29 PM|
|Meth's gonna always call, gotta stop listening|
|Posted by: justonemore January 20, 2012, 5:52 PM|
| The first few days to week or so are going to be rough, regardless of anything else. Meth is the big dog of stimulants,...nothing is going to replace it. Anger and/or rage is common in recovery,..those are powerful emotions, since feeling nothing is so pronounced in recovery,..anger and rage are at least something.
I truly believe laughter to be the best medicine,..In my recovery, I accepted the fact there were gonna be lazy days,...Comedy Central on TV my partner in recovery. Stand up comics, comedy shows and movies. I was able to experience bouts of laughter between periods of depression, lethargy,. . Over time it reprogrammed my brain to experience happiness and laughter without the aid of meth.
It takes from months to several years to get past meths grip. It is worth the effort I promise.
|Posted by: justonemore January 20, 2012, 7:52 PM|
| All creatures learn basically the same way. The simplest example to use is our pets. To best teach a dog is thru rewards and pleasure. Others may use punishment for wrongdoings as a way, but how well does that really work in the end?
Same with us humans,...from the moment we're born,...we're like sponges soaking everything up,....happy, well adjusted people seem to have one thing in common. Their reward/pleasure pathways work very well,...
The very system that we learn with, love with, enjoy life with is the very same system meth uses up and burns out. Meth addiction has trained us, become the "only" way to feel anything. On meth,..that feeling has become a false one,...we only think we feel,....the reality is, it's only the meth we feel,...because we've learned without meth, we feel nothing but bad.
You jodi, like all of us have or will,...feel terrible when not using,...you want to quit, but feel even worse about yourself when you do use,...even if using made you feel better for a bit. The sum of your life keeps getting worse.
That is because that is what has become your focus. How can you feel good when you're such a failure?? can't quit? feel like crap? want to use??
I keep mentioning changing how you look at something. You see the worst,....You arent looking at or grabbin ahold of the good. I see someone in the worst of situations who has the mind to realize there's a problem! Hello!!! that's a victory! something to know that's good about your life. That alone puts you lightyears ahead of those holding you back. all the addicts who don't think they have a problem,...yet. Cutting back! and not using when you were going to, like this morning... THat is a victory,...something good, to feel good about!!
Reprogramming, rewiring the brain to work without meth takes time and effort. You can not just quit and expect things to become better. Meth takes so much from us, the simple pleasures in life are seemingly impossible to find. The biggest reason for that is your focus on the "nothingness"
Take the time, make the effort to recognize and enjoy all the small victories. Don't just survive the time without meth,....be proud!! pat yourself on the back for doing what you thought impossible. Learn to laugh and love again without meth. Get back to basics, find your inner child. Remember how as a child everything was new and exciting? watch and remember the joy something as simple as peek-a-boo is. I found recovery easier when I started looking at the world thru childrens eyes. ( well, it helps I like kids, may not work as well if kids bug ya lol )
I also liked taking walks out in the boonies, away from people,...taking the time to get back to nature,..smell the roses so to speak,....lose the rat race of city life.
I don't really have the horror stories of using so many have,...I still look back with a fondness for many of the times I experienced. When I think and talk about meth, it's a razors edge from using again "just a taste" or "just one more time" Thats why I do this,..in spite of how it keeps meth use in my mind,....It also keeps it fresh in my mind the struggle and difficulty of quitting. This is my NA, this is my support. Everyone helps me just as much, if not more, than I help others.
I thank you, and everyone else for being here. Everyone has something valuable to contribute. Heavy into addiction, wanting to quit,..cutting back, struggling, newly recovered, or long time successes,....all of you help. thank you, bless you all
|Posted by: jodi.3 January 22, 2012, 3:00 AM|
|I'm very lonely all alone no1 to talk to no nothing to share the hurt and the pain i feel right now i hope i'll still have the courage to hold on coz i see no reason to continue fighting for my useless life..
Last night was by far the worst day of my life, all the while everything was getting better and better with me and my husband but our differences past experiences and all sometimes kick in and my husbands way of dealing with our problems is to look down and step on me even if i told him but to do it coz it not help at all im confused why is it when he see's me getting better in my recovery he does something usual even if i refuse to think its true he always does exactly what i told him not to do because it results to my relapse and everything else is put to waste..I dnt know what to do..
by the way is there anyway we guys can like chat real time or skype maybe?
|Posted by: justonemore January 23, 2012, 4:28 PM|
| Hard to say why hub does what he does,.....there are a lot of dynamics goin on there only you are privy to. I'm sorry you're struggling with him on top of all the other stuff.
I just tried gettin skype on and working with this puter I have,....seemed to create so many extra problems I deleted it. I do have yahoo and msn messengers that work ok.
I'll wait till you're up and posting to post my contact info,...I'm not comfortable just posting it and leaving it up. I'll put it up then edit it out later
|Posted by: justonemore January 23, 2012, 7:27 PM|
| Some men just dont have a clue as to their wives/girlfriends true feelings and emotions. Other men prefer to keep their partners in some kind of needy or bad shape. That way they can feel like the heroe, knight in shining armor. Not because of anything special they did, merely by being who you need or lean on,...because they are all you have.
There are always other options,....open your eyes and mind to another reality
|Posted by: justonemore January 24, 2012, 1:45 PM|
|You are 13 hours ahead of me jodi,....let me know when a good time to catch you online is|
|Posted by: jodi.3 January 24, 2012, 3:04 PM|
|hey justonemore are you there? by the way heres my YM id email@example.com ill stay online hope to catch ya|
|Posted by: justonemore January 24, 2012, 3:31 PM|
|I'm in and out today,...sent you an email and a IM invite.|
|Posted by: justonemore January 31, 2012, 2:47 PM|
|Been feelin kinda rundown and tired lately. Not following my own advice and gettin to gym. Maybe it's just me, but I find when I dont get exercise I feel like crap, tired, depressed.
Someday I'll learn to practice what I preach more lol. hey, I'm tryin
|Posted by: justonemore February 1, 2012, 5:56 PM|
|A long while ago at an outpatient group recovery meeting, another meth addict was talking about his love for meth. To this day I still vividly remember one simple word he used to describe what meth did for him. He said he was in love with the "drive" meth gave him.
So freakin true,...meth was always more than just high energy,....it gave a "drive" besides the hyper awake and energy. It seemed to be more than just a high,...It drives the user into doing stuff. A perfect fit for todays busy, hectic world. Like I've described it before, the perfect industrial strength coffee for those who 24 hours a day isn't enough.
Add in the party factor,.....too much alcohol, too much weed,...feelin tired or messed up, bam! a blast of meth and the party continues. Then the vicious cycle goes into full effect,...more meth= very, to too wired,...which led to more drinking, more weed, more everything and anything,......which always leads to the need for more meth,...and on and on
It wasn't untill I had managed to quit using everything else without any problem that I became clear how meth was my kryptonite. Why was meth so powerful over me? how could a substance control me? How and why does it have such a powerful hold on so many??
I think the hectic pace of life fits right in to that vicious cycle like all the partying did. It never feels like we have the time to be "down"
"I dont have the time to quit right now,...I'll do it later when I have more time" thats good in theory,....except life waits for no one,...there will never be the "right" time to quit.
I have a lifetime of "I'll quit when I'm done with this bag" I never came close to quitting untill I just sucked it up and "did it" OK, I did use my last few stashes to make preperations for quitting. Once I stopped using, I would always be so tired, lethargic, depressed,..generally feeling like total crap,....I just wallowed in my misery, all I could do was dwell on all the negatives of no lomger using. I guess you could say when I wasn't using,..all I could think of was using,.....and when I was using, all I could think of was "I have got to stop this sh#t"
Never able to taper down to less than a gram a day. Using my last days of using to research meth,..everything about it,...from how and why it does what it does,...finding meth recovery boards and talking to other meth users,..active, recovering, and clean for a long time.
Even knowing what to expect,...I was blown away by the difficulty I was experiencing. The cravings to use were so intense they consumned me entirely. Physically, I was past withdrawals in 2 to 3 weeks,....the psychological battle was beyond anything I ever imagined. Understanding meth as I had come to,...I was able to rationalize a lot of it out,..but even still, to this day I remember vividly simply breaking down into a crying, sniveling pile,....the only thought going through my head was "Please, please God, someone, anything,...tell me, does this ever get any easier to deal with? is there any hope of a decent life?"
I'd fall asleep if I was lucky,...but either way,...things always got better. I made an effort to register in my head I got past those bad moments. I've always felt laughter the best medicine, so when I was vegin out, I'd watch anything on tv I could find that would make me laugh, feel good,...even stir up emotions like love.....Trying to find my inner child and (in a way ) start my life over. My research taught me my brain was going to need rewiring, reprogramming. That it was going to take time.
I had made myself an online support group of friends (both using and recovering) all of whom had my own and their recoveries as the heart. It was the ones who had recovered from meth who reassured me it got better, it got easier. The good moments became more frequent as the bad days, as well as mad cravings came less frequent.
Somewhere between 2 and 3 years clean,...I realized the mad cravings had left. I still have thoughts of using to this day,...but thats all they are, thoughts. I can never fully let my guard down,....my one slip taught me my addiction is always going to be a use away.
I'll be honest,...I even miss getting high at times,..still remembering some of the wild times I had. For many of us methheads,..the marathon wild and crazy sex sessions became as much a part of the addiction as the meth. A lot of the things I'd do when wired out of my socks had also become a part of my life. What was I gonna do without meth and all those things??
I thought sex was in the past after quitting,...but I can attest to the fact it comes back, maybe not a marathon,...but what is lacking in quantity is made up for in quality;) the feelings are real and not drug charged. I loved doing things with my hands when wired like woodworking, metalworking, wrenching on motorcycles, cars, anything mechanical,...that has come back to me as well. In fact, I'm actually better at those things now,...who knew rest and a fresh mind had such a positive effect??
It will never be any easier to quit using, the longer you continue to keep using. Maybe you can't stop at this point in your life,...however, the sooner you make the decision that it's time,..the easier it'll be for you. Please don't make the mistake I made and make a lifetime out of using. It really does get better,...it really does get easier. It may only take months,....most of the long term users took 18 to 24 months. took me 30 to 32 months to really get free. Regardless, within a few months you'll have enough good days to see the light,....just be prepared to hit mad, mad cravings to use every once in a while,...they seem to hit in 30, 60 and 90 day cycles.
It is soooo worth the effort it takes, my biggest regret is I didnt man up sooner.
|Posted by: justonemore February 2, 2012, 9:29 PM|
| I came across an interesting post today. A guy wrote how he was having mad cravings for meth, yet he has never used it!
He said he had a very demanding job which required long hours and a considerable amount of energy. "Meth would be the perfect solution for my situation" was his thinking. Luckily he posted his feelings before acting on them. The numerous replies from many methheads all telling their stories and warning him to not even try it seem to have opened his eyes.
How typical of the beginnings of a meth addict. Sure a lot of us started out just wanting to try out a new high. I do think tho that a majority of us started out because we simply thought we needed a lil extra something to excell. Too few hours in a day, too much to do,..."sleep" as I called it was an unproductive state of being. Less sleep equalls more time to accomplish more. Ha! ya it's good in theory,....add to that the way our culture frowns on laziness, people get judged too much by their accomplishments, and not enough in who they truly are as a person (in my opinion )
I took up fishing as a way to cope during most of the times I was attempting to quit. What better way to look like you're doin something when not really doing anything other than relaxing? ( well, relaxing as long as ya dont get wrapped up in actually catching fish lol ) Being away from everybody ( although I was thought of as strange for wanting to go alone all the time by many ) out of the city,...surrounded by mother nature and all her beauty. The hike from my car to the lake or river was a form of easy exercise. Fresh air, and most of all,...a slowing down of life.
Life,...just like meth, will consume us if we allow it. Take the time to slow down and live. Remember as a child when so much joy was found in the simplest of things?? I've thought many times that I got high to find that inner child I lost as I grew up.
Now I know (after getting free of the drugs) that my inner child has always been within me. I wasted so many years looking for what has been inside me the whole time. I began to see that as I was helping raise my step-granddaughter.
They say an addict stops maturing from the time they start using. Now I'm not gonna say I was a 15yr old still when I quit at 50 yrs old. I will admit to being pretty certain I have grown much more as a man and person over the last 7 years than I did the previous 35.
The past can not be changed, but what each of us does in the moment is all that really matters. it is what guides the future.
|Posted by: justonemore February 3, 2012, 5:18 PM|
| Lately I've been back into doing research on meth/brain stuff. Bein the inquisitive guy I am, the how's and why's of how things effect us has always been of interest. Came across an article explaining the difference in the effects of coke and meth. It stated the coke works by slowing the reuptake of dopamine,...keeping high levels of it in the brain actively being used. Meth not only does the same thing,....but it also increases the production and release of more dopamine.
Some of the information I learned as I was quitting has gotten a lil foggy. In trying to help jodi, and anyone else, I've been going back to many of the studies, research sites, forums and discussion groups that I used back when I was struggling.
I'm kinda laughin about this,...here we are trying to stop using something that effects our brain chemistry. I'm finding a lot of newer findings and developments on the workings of the brain,..There are a few that, in theory and logic, seem like they should work really well in helping a meth addict get their life back. I want to try them myself before recommending them, which brings out why I think it's funny, or strange. It feels like the addiction to meth has been transfered into an addiction for supplements. ya know what I mean? I spent a ton of money and time on meth. Now here I am spending a ton of money and time on prescription meds, vitamins, nutritional supplements and also time.
OK, so it would be easy to think it's one thing for another. I dont have the nightmare stories many meth addicts have,....so it's easy for me to feel like I'm doing the same thing I was doing when using meth,.....taking something to feel better. Meth increased dopamine, now I'm having to take anti-depressants that do sorta the same thing, in terms of slowing the reuptake. The supplements I use aid the brains manufacture of dopamine and other neurotransmitter chemicals. Whats the freakin difference between one way and the other? well, besides the legal issue lol
I've had two heart attacks since I stopped using, the first after over 4 years clean, the second just 9 months later. I survived them both, duh!, I have zero doubt had I kept using,..my first attack woulda been my last,..I would not have survived it. Vitamins, supplements are merely the building blocks of what the body uses,..they promote good health. Drugs alter the way the body and mind uses what it already has.
So, anyhows,....I've been trying to figure out how to best help jodi with her addiction. We've chatted off the board, She's in an almost impossible position to quit,..at least I know there is no way I could quit using in her position. Personally, I am so very impressed that she's even been able to slow down her use,....and the fact she has such a desire to stop using is inspiring.
I came to realize that getting her off meth, past the lethargy, past the "whoozies" , the depression and all that is less than half the battle ( again, in my opinion ) We (all people) are creatures of habit. We "become" what we think and do repeatedly. What has a meth addict become? the people and places where it was used become a part of us. The "rituals" of using become a part of who we are ( at least it feels that way ) The nasty burn of doin a blast up the nose,...chasin the puffin dragon across a piece of foil,...or everything about the glass pipe. From playin with the glass and torch,..making the "perfect" pipe ,..using the flame to melt the meth into a puddle, swirling it as smoke billows from the puddle. Watching the way the puddle cools, meth recrystallizing. (fun fact, the way the crystals form are a great way to determine the quality and type of meth)
My point is,..that for those who have been using meth for a long time,...Quitting, and then not using again takes far more than just stop using. The quickest way to say it is, learn to live again. The drive and zing meth gave taught us we had to always be doing something. It takes effort to learn to do anything without meth. Thats why I mention finding your inner child a lot. Watch how an infant enjoys playing peek-a-boo, Infants, toddlers, children,..they can always find so much joy in the simplest of things,... remember that excitement, thrill and utter joy ya would have when ya experiences new stuff as a kid? The zoo, the circus, for the first time? those feelings are the same pathways meth overstimulates and burns out.
The more I learn about the brain, the more blown away I am that there arent millions of people with serious mental issues. Knowing how complex and intricate the brain is,...how does drinking and drug use "NOT" destroy it??? The brain does repair itself,..when an area cant be repaired, it finds a way to make other areas to pick up the slack. It is never too late to stop using,...NO addict is hopeless. There are countless paths from point "A" (addiction) to point "B" (being clean/sober) No matter how difficult the journey,...there's others to help ya get to where ya wanna go. Never give up hope, always remember no matter how tough a spot you think you're in,...there's others out there who were worse off and made it,..others worse off who need your's and our help!
|Posted by: horsepowa February 7, 2012, 7:59 PM|
|lol alright besides the legal issue, thats made me laugh so much, cheers|
|Posted by: MomNMore February 7, 2012, 8:54 PM|
|You are so smart, Just. And the whole supplements-for-meth thing...we are addicts, it's gotta be something, right? Supplements, meetings, exercise, all manner of good-for-you things become obsessions to an addict brain...it's the nature of the beast, IMHO. Better those than the alternative, friend.
Again, I say you are doing God's work being here for people.
(((Hugs))) ~ M&M
|Posted by: justonemore February 11, 2012, 10:17 PM|
| Thank you MnM, coming from you, it has even more meaning. ;) There are many, many people much smarter than me, I just relay the info from my experiences and what I've found out in the "web"
Saying I'm doing God's work really humbles me. All I want to accomplish is help others either avoid what myself and other meth addicts have gone through,...or better yet, help others not get too far deep into it, or avoid using at all. Most of all, My Father was such a good man, father,...and mentor to the youth of the church youth group he headed,...I know at the time of his passing, he was dissapointed in me. I know I will see him again when I pass,...I want to see him shaking his head with a smile on his face and in his eyes. I want to hear him say " I had my doubts about you back then, but you really turned things around and the world is a better place for you being in it,...I'm proud of you son"
That being said, I wanna say before my computer crashes again,...I have no idea how regular I'll be able to make it here, or anywhere on the web. My puter just went black 5 or so days ago,..was thinking the hard drive totally quit,....we were talking yesterday about taking it in to be repaired (momma's taxes were only partly complete) I gave it another F-it try and it booted up ( yay! the toshiba computer Gods were smiling upon us lol ) got the taxes finished and then it went right back to doing nothing. I have no idea whats goin on with it, I was just about to give up again and presto! it booted up again,...I'm posting while I can.
So if I'm not around for several days to a week or so,...I'm ok, my puter, not so much. In the meantime, I'm runnin every tune-up, virus scan,..test and computer check up I can..
Horsepowa,..good on ya !! jodi??? No word from you in quite a while now. How are ya doin girl??? is no news good news cause you're not using and too tired to type?? or are ya using and feelin ashamed cause you feel weak and worthless?? If it's the later, ya better stop the pity party and get back here, or email me. There is no failure as long as you still have the "want" to quit and keep trying!! Failure only happens if you give up.
Lastly, I am liking the effects of a new supplement I'm trying,...less than a week and I am noticing a clearer and more focused brain activity. It's called "Piracetam" the info and research claims it to be really helpfull for many things. mainly oxygenation of the blood in the brain,..helps with the heart, and much more.
|Posted by: Harumi23 February 12, 2012, 9:26 PM|
|I would say no one could help an addict but him/herself. It would take a lot of courage and maybe some good encouragement from loved ones and relatives might help. But it still depends on the person if he/she really wants to get sober. But how he/she can do it if he/she dont see the people who loves him/her as inspiration to quit? Addicts are selfish, aren't they?|
|Posted by: justonemore February 13, 2012, 5:57 PM|
| Are actively using addicts selfish? most definitely. Are addicts in the process of recovery selfish?? Yes, I think even more so, but it's a different type of selfishness. A good part of the recovery process requires an addict to be sort of selfish. It takes a lot of self re-examination, reflection, figuring out the triggers and why's of their addiction.
When a recovering meth addict's entire day is consumed by thoughts of using, fighting cravings, fighting fatigue, depression,...ya,...there is still a lot of selfishness involved. If thats what it takes to get clean, so be it. I like to think of the selfishness of recovery as a temporary condition to take care of a serious problem.
That being said, I agree, the selfishness of addiction easily prevents many from ever getting free of meths grasp. It's easy to be so blinded by an addiction, and everything that comes with it,....that the addicts can't see what's right in front of them,...people who love, and care about them. People who only want whats truly best for them. They are stuck in a circle of "friends" (not!!) who share their addiction,....they want what you have whether it's drugs, money, food, a place to party and crash,....or thats what you're gettin from them.
I won't say there are no true friends in the drug world,...There are some, but an extreme rarity. Personally, I am amazed at how many of the people I most highly respect and consider good friends are people who struggled with addiction in the past. 7-8 years ago I felt so ashamed of the man I had become, the life I had led. There was no changing the past, In finding my way thru recovery I discovered I could help others by my mistakes.
Sure, I think sometimes if I had never done this,..should have done that, etc etc....I have no false illussions that I'll never ,..ever use again. I hope not,...but honestly, I still have thoughts of using sometimes. I'm very much a realist so I won't say "I will never ever use again" I keep it simple and think " for this very moment I do not want to use, and if I can make it past this moment without using,...I'll get past this next moment without using"
With all the years I used (35) and me being able to get free of meth,....there is no one who can't stop using. All ya gotta do is truly want it! Once you want it, you will find a way. If you think quitting is hopeless,..then all hope is lost. We didn't become addicts overnight, we worked at it,.....we cant just quit and everything's instantly better,...we gotta work at recovery every bit as hard,...harder actually.
|Posted by: Harumi23 February 13, 2012, 10:19 PM|
|Justonemore, may i ask how did u do it? I heard that quitting is very hard so i wonder how did u manage to stop using.
I never tried to use any drugs so i really dont know the feeling of "wanting to use". But i wonder how it feels. A person dear to me is a user and i wanted him to quit but i believe its hard. And it hurts me to see him like he's hopeless. I know i cant stop him no matter how hard i tried, we kept arguing and fighting but he wouldn't stop. I know it depends on the person, he has to have the WILL to quit. But i hope i can help him. Sometimes i feel like i wanted to blame myself for just letting him use, but he wont let me stop him, even if we argue all the time. Sometimes i just get tired of all the fights cos he wouldn't stop anyway. So for this i sometimes blame myself for letting him. And it hurts me so bad.
|Posted by: justonemore February 14, 2012, 4:49 PM|
|Quitting meth is without a doubt the toughest thing I have ever been thru in my life. I started drinking and doing drugs when I was 14,...I was never one to just get a little high. When I drank,...I drank to get hammered, was a chain smoker of pot ( funny tho, I never got into smoking cigarettes) If one pill got me high, I'd take a bunch. I abused everything I got my hands on.
Coke was the first drug I realized I had to quit,...I felt like I was losing my mind. I no longer enjoyed the high and so I just started saying no to coke. As I got older and had kids, I felt getting clean and sober was the right thing to do. Basically, I just upped and stopped getting high. Except for meth,....I already had 15 years of using it,....without it, I crashed hard, a zombie for a couple weeks. After that I'd be so tired, lethargic, and unmotivated the depression I went thru seemed a hundred times worse.
I used to pride myself on having a strong will. Before drugs I was very athletic, I was proud of how I could will myself through the most extreme workouts. That fact,. and the fact I was able to just quit using everything else with no problem really tripped me out, "why the hell was quitting meth so frickin hard?" I had to accept the fact meth is my Achilles heal. I couldnt even put a number to the amount of times I tried to stop using. All those failures made me feel like a total failure as a man, a dad, a person.
I ended up goin thru a period of time where my health seemed to be getting worse and worse. Asthma got so bad I was doing breathing treatments at home every 3 to 4 hours, A gallstone attack that put me in the hospital for a couple weeks,....G.I. tract issues that I have to this day (meth addicts aren't really known for their proper diets,...fast and junk food took a toll) at 49yrs old my mortality kinda became a major thought. I was smart enought to read the writing on the wall,......keep using meth and I wouldnt be around much longer. So I started getting online and doing research about meth. Finding many websites by and for meth addicts. The easiest way to describe what I did was "I sprinted to the finish line"
Instead of wasting my high doin stupid tweaker stuff,....my plan was to use the last of my meth to make a plan. It is so true that an addict has to want recovery. The very best methods and programs may get an addict clean for a little while. LOved ones can threaten, use tough love,.....or they can use kindness, love and concern......I wont say it does zero good, but it's just a drop in the bucket. 12 step programs and rehab facilities are full of addicts there only because they were court ordered, or pushed into it by loved ones, ...
I wont say they arent worth it tho,...I've been thru a few programs, I managed to keep a lot of the information I learned in them to use in my final push to quit. Honestly tho,...I truly believe in all my heart that the most important part of an addicts recovery is their desire to no longer use. Recovery isnt something we just accomplish and move on with life. I keep coming back here and writing just as much for myself as for others......Meth is everywhere, heck, it can be made easily if there's none around,.....I want and desire being free of meth just as much now as I did 7-8 years ago.
I was extremely fortunate, blessed even,....circumstances fell into place the right way at the right time. A crazy violent split up between myself and daughters mother,...A lady friend I had gotten to know and became close friends with in an online gaming/chatroom site. I knew her and her boyfriend both, he'd gotten pancreatic cancer,...it took him quickly,..it was about a year after his passing when we talked about a relationship. I flew out to meet her in person,..In spite of my issues (yes, I fully opened up and told her all about my addiction) she wanted to give us a try. I knew I was powerless to meth,...a new start 2500 miles away seemed the perfect answer. I knew no one else here but her and her son&daughter.
All my family, mother, sisters, daughter, stepdaughter,my dog, everyone I knew and loved were all in California,.....It was a tough choice to make. Luckily my ex in our seperation thought she'd get even with me by telling the kids I was addicted to meth. It backfired, I was actually grateful she did,...it was the one and only thing I was ever dishonest about to my kids. It made it easier to leave....I told my kids, my mom and sisters I had to get away from meth or die. It's tough living so far away, but I get out there now and then to visit, I'm still alive, I plan on staying alive, I have grandkids I want to see grow up.
One month after visiting here,...I was on a flight to stay and live here. My 50th birthday,..my GF asked me if I brought a stash with me. Lying is no way to start a relationship, I told her yes, I had 3-4 grams with me....that stash was only going to delay the inevitable,...so for the first time in my life,..I wasted meth,...flushed it all down the toilet. It really felt like a defining moment in my life.
So how'd I do it? I struggled,....a LOT. What'd my GF do to help me? not a thing really, she has no addictions,....she's a hard working, good, caring mother,...all she did was do her thing, she never pampered me, bitched at me,....we made a deal she'd cook and I'd clean. Maybe she's just a master at the passive-aggressive thing,...but if I was too fried to clean, she'd do it, I cant say if it's anything she did, or just my core values kickin in, but I'd feel guilty as heck if I didnt hold up my end. I spent a lot of time online at recovery support boards,...I was fallin apart and it was reassuring to chat with others who were either going thru it also, or had gone thru it,....Knowing there really was light at the end of the tunnel was the thread I held onto. ( reality was I felt like that light in the tunnel was a train coming down on me hard)
My research taught me that my pleasure/reward centers of my brain needed to be rewired, reprogrammed.......So when the family was goin to the various amusement parks here,...I would'nt feel like going, but I'd force myself to go.....Don't know if any of you have been to cedar point in sandusky ohio,.....they got several world class coasters and rides. tell y'all what 0 to over 120mph in 4 seconds or less, then straight up 450 feet, straight back down and up to 120mph again,....a 23 second long ride,....it was the first time I felt alive since quitting.
I truly feel that extreme stuff that really kicks up the natural pathways of adrenaline, fear, excitement is a cool way of reprogramming the brain to work in the natural way it is supposed to. Studies have shown that the highest levels of dopamine ( the feel good neuro-transmitter) happen during mind-blowing sexual activity,.....just being on meth, dopamine levels are over a thousand times higher than that......once meth is left out,...the addicts dopamine is almost non-existant.....it is the worst kind of depression. The longer the addict uses, the more damage is done,..the worse the rebound effect is.
I apologize for rambling, First off, do not go blaming yourself! this is his addiction, not yours, this is your life however,...so you have the right, and should use that right to allow, or not allow the things you want. Stick to the boundaries you set for yourself,...then it is left to him what to do,...or hopefully not do. Realize that meth addicts are notorious liars, at best they'll just give you the words they think you want to hear. Talk is cheap, it is only in his actions that you can base anything on. If you want to support him,..then only be supportive of his choices you approve of......when he's up to no good,....you have every right to express where "you" are comin from.....Us addicts take personal attacks as an excuse to use. Maybe if he let into a situation where his highs are not fun anymore,...when he see's meth is leading him to lose everything important,........while learning he can have fun without meth,...that life is going to happen regardless of being high or not,.....and that life on the natural not only can be, but is truly better not being high.
You cant force an addict to get clean,....but ya can find a way to make them realize drugs aren't workin in their lives,....like the saying "you can lead a horse to water but ya can't make him drink" you can force an addict into recovery, but in the end,..the addict has to want it,,,,,to drink up life in the natural way it was always meant to.
|Posted by: Harumi23 February 14, 2012, 9:33 PM|
|I know i should not blame myself but sometimes i feel like i am to be blamed as well. Cos i sometimes let him use just To avoid all the fights and dramas and it scares my baby when our voices gets too high. So yeah sometimes i just let him. Cos what will happen is we will fight and then he will still win. He would tell me tahts the last and he wont do it again. But after a week i would realise its all lie.
Like you, he started using at a very young age i think 15. Maybe thats why its hard for him to stop. But you know what when we met he never uses. I know cos we were together everyday after work we would go out watch movies, eat somewhere. But months after we lived together he goes back to his thing. At first i didnt know cos i wasnt aware that he used before, and i dont really have any idea about ice, i only sees them on tv shows you know and hears in the news so yeah im an idiot about it. but then when he gets home that night, from his brother's house, he acts really strange and he smells really bad he smells a million tons of smoke. But i know he doesnt smokes. So its strange really. And he told me they would just drink so i never had an idea that he would do any other thing. Ohh thinking about when we first met and started going it makes me really miss the old him. The one who dont use you know. Anyways, i know i couldnt force him to get clean but i really want him to. So i would never get tired nagging him about it. I hope one day he would realise that he really has to stop.
Its good to hear you have found someone who dont have any addiction. I wish i could too you know.
|Posted by: justonemore February 15, 2012, 3:08 PM|
| I'm so angry right now I gottta write it out. In todays online paper, a 22 yr old girl was found dead in a car,..she was with a friend who was in severe medical distress and is now in hospital. Yes, they did find drugs in the car.
What is really pissing me off is that of the 16 comments left about the story,...most of them were so cold and heartless. "She got what she deserved" "good riddance" "we're raised being told drugs kill, she did them anyway, too bad"
In no way am I justifying drugs,...it just blows me away that supposedly "decent" people can be so non-understanding. I got to thinking how a lot of addicts I've known became addicted after being in the hospital after an accident. I know several here that were prescribed powerfull painkillers for surgeries,....The pills are so damn expensive they go to heroin. They're addicted before they know it by a legitimate and legally prescribed reason.
Maybe I'm just turnin into that grumpy old fart with no tolerance of others. I've noticed in myself lately,..I have no tolerance for people with no tolerance. hehe, how ironic eh?
I just had to rant.
|Posted by: Harumi23 February 19, 2012, 4:15 PM|
|Some young people maybe dont anticipate what might happen when they drive under influence i dont know should parents be somehow responsible for this? In the very beginning shouldn't they be guiding their kids? Im scared cos im a parent too. Though my little one is very very young. I dont know i might be spying on him when he gets old lol
Anyways, justinemore i had to ask, does vomitting ever happened to you when you were using meths? Or maybe after you used?
|Posted by: MomNMore February 19, 2012, 7:47 PM|
|J1M...you are not a grumpy old fart...and they are not decent human beings. I have noticed that there is a small but constant group of people who post on our local paper's site and they are obnoxious...it's like a little club, or maybe two little clubs that butt heads and show no concern for the feelings of the familes left behind. They are stupid and insensitive and not worthy of renting any of the space in your head.
Harumi, haven't seen you on the family board....
Peace ~ M&M
PS Just, I'll be catching up on emails this week, school vacation =)
|Posted by: Harumi23 February 19, 2012, 9:35 PM|
|I agree with you on that M&M. Some people are just so insensitive of other's feelings. Anyways hope we can from you again when the vacation's over.
Justonemore! I hope you could share more of your experience. I would really appreciate it. I am really curious of what you felt during those times i hope you wont mind. I have asked my partner what goes on his head when he uses and all he tells me is that he wants to gamble and he laughs at me. I dont think he takes my question seriously, i mean i really wanna know. Im not just curious or anything, i am more concern of what he thinks and feels at those exact moments. And im a bit worried he might be getting paranoid, cos sometimes he accuses me of things like hacking his phone or listening to his phone conversations. I wish i could do that but im not a tech expert.
|Posted by: MomNMore February 20, 2012, 12:13 AM|
|Harumi, you are spending too much time worrying about the wrong things. Trying to get into his head is a waste of time and is frankly invasive...it is neither healthy nor necessary. You need to be getting into your own head and figuring out what you are willing to do for yourself. Nothing Just1More can tell you will change a thing about your situation and will not make you and your baby happy or safe...it will just prolong your own recovery. Allowing him to disrespect you and disregard your family's needs just gives him license to keep doing just that. Your husband is an addict and there isn't much more to it than that...he drinks and uses and gambles and not one thing you learn or do or say will change that until he's sick and tired of being sick and tired or until the consequences and pain of using exceed the pleasure...don't be a doormat.
Peace ~ MomNMore
|Posted by: justonemore March 15, 2012, 3:39 PM|
|I am back,....darned laptop just stopped bootin up, Saved up the money to get it repaired, just for giggles I tried turning it on one more time,....and as if it is taunting me, it started working again! I've got like a million emails to get thru. Just wanted to stop in quickly and let ya'all know I'm ok and to see if there were any new posts,...wow, big surprise (not) not much.|
|Posted by: justonemore April 20, 2012, 4:52 PM|
|I am gonna be hit and miss for a while, in process of moving|
|Posted by: MomNMore April 20, 2012, 5:57 PM|
|Good to know buddy, I'll catch up to you via email. xo|
|Posted by: justonemore April 20, 2012, 6:10 PM|
| Gotta admit it feels kinda scary leaving what I knew to be a safe zone. But It was becoming unhealthy as a place to live anymore,....it's not a good thing when I want to escape,...or feel tense at home,....I feel badly but at same time know the only control I have is over my life. If moving on is what it takes to live happy then I got to bite the bullet and go for it.
I've said enough to others "if nothing changes, then nothing changes" enough,...time for me to listen to my own advice.... wish me luck
|Posted by: keeppraying January 12, 2013, 12:35 PM|
|Help, do I give up? I love my husband so much. I found out in aug he was using meth. I am a God loving woman and know nothing about meth. I knew form tv what it was so when I found it i was horrified. My husband lied jan 1st told me (he is a fireman) that he had to go to a station and do some extra work for his captians test coming up. I had a gut feeling he was lying like he has done a few times. went to the station praying his car would be there. It wasnt. I was so mad. The lies and I knew. I knew what he went to go do. I said, in a text "i want a divorce" but I didnt want one. He of course said "Ok" and that he said he cant be married. I wonder if it is just the meth or other women. I guess it doenst matter. I would like to stay married but no to a addict. I cant put my family through it. I met with him on the 11th. He seem cold and distant. wanted to move back in but then changed his mind. said he doesnt have a problem that he just isnt good and being married. I should leave and never look back. I said i would help in his recovery but he needs to choose and deceide for himself .
So I lost my husnand to meth and or another woman. I feel so alone. Just in nov he worte that i was his angle that I saved his life. He was an amazing husband when he wasnt high. I dont know what to do. I am so so sad. I cant say anything to him. I want to call him tell him i love him but i dont think that will help. In one month i lost him. He isnt the same man. he used to call and text and call me bootsie now im just a name in his phone. my picture is gone from his screen saver. When we met at a bed and breakfast he was loving but distant. angry at times and blames me for things. Tells me to leave then to stay. Says the reason he watches porn is because he like to see women being abused and all women are whores. He said that with such anger. Where is that loving man? I lost him and i think he is doing me a favor. He wants his own place, and i said fine but we wont be a married couple, and said just take off your ring. help
|Posted by: girltoday January 12, 2013, 1:25 PM|
|Try posting in the families/partners ! Take care|
|Posted by: linda August 28, 2013, 4:06 PM|
|May You Rest In Peace Al...Love. Linda|
|Posted by: MomNMore August 28, 2013, 9:01 PM|
|He will be missed...a lot...and by many =(|
|Posted by: Sash January 10, 2014, 10:09 PM|
|Hello I'm Sash,
I am 22 and been on average been a once a week meth smoker for about 5 years. I have always had a problem in the back of my mind with it, but action's speak louder than words and before i know it im high! Once i come down i beat myself up real bad then get sober for a week or 5 days- i start feeling good then relapse again :(
I keep thinking of moving away even just vanishing because i know so many people that do it regularly in my home town. Its shocking how many people have a pipe in there pocket!
I am a functioning addict, i even went to work high as f*** the other day and i swear i looked it :(
People arnt dumb, you cant think they dont know :(
Anyway i need therapy, actually i just need to help myself, get my power back, stop spending time with no hopers and Live my dreams.
P.s. it is nice to relate and hear of people that have recovered for a year or longer!! Good work :}
|Posted by: ted March 29, 2014, 4:22 AM|
|I to have been trying to quit. I been using since I got back from the navy in 1998. I tried it once and went like a rocket.I still have not stopped even after several failed relationship s. Now my current wife went to draw up a divorce and told them all about me. I am so acarec that I will call drug test for custody court on my 3 yr old. Today is day 1 for me. AGAIN. This time I've got to win......|
|Posted by: ted March 29, 2014, 4:25 AM|
|I cannot afford to lose everything again. To method. I mean I'm tired of wasting my money and time.|
|Posted by: ted March 29, 2014, 4:28 AM|
|I can hardly get past a half day without using if I know where. Its so tough on my family. It tears families apart across the USA. It may not feel like it st first but keep using and you will see. You won't have me anything left. Nothing. But prayer|
|Posted by: ted March 29, 2014, 5:07 AM|
|Oh yeah did I tell you I went from my 4corner post bed to because down to a air mattress on the floor so I can have a place to stay. Divorce is around the corner and I still have got got to get prepared. Lord here I am down on my hands. Find some groupacanf stay with it|
|Posted by: ted March 30, 2014, 9:15 PM|
|Well here it is Sunday night. I was able to get to church with my wife and boy. Came over to mow and eat. No I have to leave because I'm an unfit father. Because of method. I just hope o can get yhru the next week without using. I know I'm about to piss in a cup and I still using. I prayed for me and my family and then has Cindy pray with us. She did give me a new bible and some tools to help me quit. But can I? Later guys still have not started day 1 yet. Day one not using will be Tommy. I haven't been to work in over a week. My life is so jacked right now because of the Mexican sniper meth. Mexico cash crop.|
|Posted by: Startingnow June 19, 2014, 3:42 AM|
|Hi I'm very happy I found this form have been looking for something like this forever it seems like. Well my story been using from 2000 - 2009 out of no where I stopped for 3 years and never looked back until 1 day, after pulling grave yard shift at home wife was at work and that little voice saiid go pick up she won't no you got all day. The biggest mistake of my life deep down I know I had more strength then to say no than I do now wish I would of never went back because now I'm stuck again. Between meth and porn what am I really addicted to both? I only do meth because of the porn witch afterwards regreat. I feel like I just need a accountability someone or somewhere to go or call. I'm going to to turn to this forum and try to stick to my guns.|
|Posted by: xx July 15, 2014, 12:10 AM|
|@justonemore thank you so much for sharing, your post is giving me hope.http://www.addictionrecoveryguide.org/message_board/index.php?act=ST&f=20&t=70701
I met my bf in his first recovery period in March, full of hope and maybe overly confident. I did not know about meth and its residual power to destroy until he relapsed in June and I am now witnessing it. I was naive to deal with him as a "normal bf" picking fights and demanding attention, I did not make it easy for him during his recovery time due to my lack of knowledge but yet he never blamed me for his relapse which breaks my heart even more for how loving he is even under influence bcuz I have my faults for not knowing what I was dealing with and how strong he was already being just staying sober.
When he first quit he came clean to all family and friends but this time he relapse I am the only one who knows. He manages to "function" normally by attending parties and to the beach, I was the only one to know he was high. It has come from saying " I will quit after this batch" to " I will only use on weekends now" to not mentioning at all about the use.
Every post I read would suggest I leave him but I strongly disagree and @justonemore has proved so. I am balancing my work/friends/yoga/and guiding my bf into recovery,I am aware that Im not enough to help him and if he doesnt quit I will have to eventually leave him. Below are my struggles right now and would be a great relief if anyone can share/advise.
1) should I be the one to alert his family/frds on the relapse? 2) besides living a healthy life and setting a good example what else can I do right now? 3) what kind of behavior would be considered as coddling the addict?
I am grateful for anyone who would share/advise during this critical time, meanwhile I will be sharing my prayers to him and reminding him of the great life he had being sober.
|Posted by: nomoreM November 7, 2014, 8:17 AM|
|checkin 1 of many to come
...I've done two days of research on this addiction even though I should be a pro on the subject, the only real good thing that came from it all was reading his thread.
I’ve never cried this much, and never did more come out of my nose than what went in. The worst was this morning when I was woken by the sound of my two daughters, full of life, ready for the day, hoping to see me before they go, but I kept my eyes closed and my back turned to them, not because I don’t love them (I adore them) but because of the shame I felt.
Tonight they will come home and find daddy with a fresh soul and for the first time full of real hope to become himself again...
|Posted by: Papa Bear November 7, 2014, 9:18 AM|
|I was 45 yrs old when I came to recovery.
I spent decades "wishing" that things were different and "making up my mind" to do something about it.
It wasn't until I crashed in absolute suicidal helplessness in 1989 that I became reachable/teachable in The 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous.
It is well described here http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf
AA and NA are in literally every telephone book in the country.
Millions attend meetings daily to recover and grow.
All the best.
|Posted by: nomoreM November 9, 2014, 2:48 AM|
Couldnt log in yesterday, too tired, too down, too much resentment for saying ill stop, today I actually feel great ( compared to yesterday!) and is looking forward to log in tomorrow!
|Posted by: nomoreM November 9, 2014, 2:56 AM|
Well, seems wisdome also comes with addiction, your truthfulness about this swayed me my friend...thanks you
|Posted by: nomoreM November 10, 2014, 6:23 AM|
|Login 3 day 4
Concentrating is basicly impossible. I struggle with what I'm really really good at. Writing helps though because typing became second nature but is way too quick for my scattered thoughts and slow responding mind...which sits around in anticipation, waiting....
|Posted by: nomoreM November 11, 2014, 12:33 AM|
|Login 4 day 5....yeah!
Keeping your eyes fixed on achievement keeps your mind off failure, as soon as your heart follows your brain gets jealous....
|Posted by: nomoreM November 11, 2014, 2:15 PM|
|The biggest challenge is staying focused on what I have to do, this was always my "excuse" for not quitting but I must say, I got way more done in much less time and without comeback, sort of like having superpowers in normal town. Yet, we arent born to have superpowers? This leaves an obstacle to overcome: to be happy with normal achievement (which still ranks as kickass) but feels as if its taking forever and not perfect as Ive become accustomed to. This is my problem which Im willling to accept, the greater problem is to perform as naturally expected which might fuel the need to phone deleted numbers, (as if one didnt do your best to memorise them before deleting)...coming to think of it, its like becoming smeagul ( sure the spelling is wrong) from lord of the rings, only difference is theres a lot of rings out there and enough money to buy another. ...all this may seem like a lot of bull$#it but be warned, get into these claws and this is what you think of while you recover on top of what you still have to do, only without superpowers....|
|Posted by: formyboys5714 November 20, 2014, 8:49 AM|
|Someone told me if i used this everyday as a way to write my feelings down it would help. So far I have been 1 week clean... no that isn't alot but the resistance to go out and get any for me feels simply amazing... i started having what my dr called pseudoseizures 2 days ago though... im wondering if this has anything to do with my recovery... well here is my check in for thursday. God bless|
|Posted by: tim August 22, 2016, 1:52 PM|
|I'm 24, I fell terrible. Been up all night, not ready to face the world. I can't stop using drugs. Been trying but always end up high again. I just want to go to sleep and be sober. I can't get over this anxiety. I need freakin help.
|Posted by: Papa Bear August 22, 2016, 2:45 PM|
|You can't just go to sleep and be sober but if you are willing to work for it then NA/AA will help you as they have me and millions of others.
All the best.
|Posted by: 3mos October 1, 2016, 12:01 AM|
|I have been clean for 3 mos. But everyday is still a struggle... I would be lying if I said that I havent been thinking about using again... Every morning, I still wake up wanting it. Good news is, I havent, one of the best ways to kick the habit is; One: By telling my wife I have an addiction and that I need her support. (I asked her to keep all my money and to give me just enough to get me thru each day. Lack of resources keep me from scoring) ; Two: A lot of prayers and reading the daily gospel, depression is a B**CH, and its difficult to share how I feel to someone who does not fully understand the effects of quitting meth. ; Three: Considering the consequences, I used to be late for work by two hours because I would first go to my dealer and get high before actually going to work (This really affected my previous job, was even target to a drug test which I didnt show up to coz I knew I was positive). Now, I think twice, I ask myself, If I sacrificed my job for a high... would it be worth it?; Four: Stay away from anything and anyone that you used to do it with. Its hard enough to keep yourself from thinking about the "good times" you had, having a meth head around will reinforce those cravings, making it seem like its not a bad thing at all. For myself, the difficult part is that, I used to smoke in our bathroom, my room, and the garage. Which brings up memories of those times. Its also sometimes unavoidable to drive past the house of my old dealer, which again, reminds me of the times Ive had with meth.
Today, I wanted to take a hit again. Until I stumbled on this board. I want to stay clean. Meth has made me do some stupid things. Got me into gambling which led to debt. I became a very convincing liar, borrowing money from anyone who I could make feel sorry for me. I lied to everyone around me. And almost lost it all(including my mind). It is an uphill battle... im still in my early stages of recovery... I want to thank justonemore for all his insight. Everything he said sounded familiar. Im also glad I got this off my chest and encourage everyone to do the same... When we write down the things we are guilty of, it doesnt seem as bad as it seems in our head. and we start to realize that we do have a chance to change. It also clears up the mind for more positive thoughts. Just was right. We should make it a habit to be proud of each day that we become clean. I still count the days and thank god for keeping me strong, for keeping me from thinking about ending my life for being such a failure and changing it to thoughts of those that have given me support during this very difficult time in my life.
They say that if you ask god for strength. He gives you challenges to overcome so you can gain strength. This addiction is my challenge.