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|Message Board > Families / Partners of Addicts > Frustration|
|Posted by: Parenting2 July 25, 2019, 1:16 AM|
I have been here since my son was 17. He is now almost 20.
Like I have mentioned in other posts, he is staying away from harder drugs, but weed is still a big problem. He got a medical card, so legal problems should not be a problem, but...he is seriously addicted to the marijuana.
He was doing pretty well, had a job and I let him move in and sign up for college (supposed to start in August). We had an agreement that he would pay a % of his check towards savings. He kept screwing around with attendance and then one day just did not go into work. In my opinion, the marijuana just keeps him from giving a care about anything.
As some of your loved ones may be, he is SO stubborn. He will walk around with nothing-no money, no phone, no car...rather than focus on getting another job. He is doing MUCH better in certain areas, and I tell him this, but he is so far from where he needs to be. And, he has to have a job.
Tonight, was kind of a straw to the camel's back....he did something stupid with the pets that could have ended with a lost pet. It really was an easy mistake, not anything too bad. However, when I tried to talk to him about being more careful, he lipped off, told me off and was basically a jerk. He has not done this in awhile. I am sure he was high and not locking into reality. Per usual, not understanding the seriousness of something because of the marijuana.
I am so over this behavior. Overall, he is doing better and continues to show growth (albeit very slow). He is worried he may have damaged his brain. Maybe. I feel like I am just sort of angry with him, as I am burnt out on the whole situation. Beyond burnt out.
SO, I guess I am just venting, but my plan is to let him stay and try college classes. He is driving this so far...we will see. I guess I feel mostly healthy with this decision. I am trying to put all the responsibility on him. In all honesty, I have not seen enough progress to make it in college but he wants to try. He will know if he will be successful within the first few weeks, as his tendency is to implode fast.
My question is that if he does not make it to these classes, does anyone have any suggestions to get a kid into housing so he is not homeless? If this does not work out, he has to move out. There is no other option. He really needs some type of group home to help him, as I think (not sure) he may have some brain damage. Maybe it is codependence, but (if college does not work out) I am having trouble picturing kicking him out of the house to the street. Plus, most likely, we will have to involve the police. None of his friends will let him stay with them. Yet, I clearly see that he cannot continue living with me at 20 if college does not work out and he has no job.
Thanks for listening. I guess I am a little sad that he is not getting much better. Fully aware that my job is to push all responsibility back onto him.
|Posted by: Sallyanna July 25, 2019, 2:17 AM|
|Parenting2 it's very hard to live with them. They have a lifestyle that is very unconventional, yet they think it's perfectly fine. I don't think my daughter even grasps the reality of how she is living, to her it's normal. To me, I cringe at the thought of it.
I know it's hard to kick them out however if it's necessary, it's necessary. Otherwise, it's a living hell in my opinion. We become a prisoner to their addiction and all its' fallout. It's an insane existence.
I think getting him to a group home is a good idea or some kind of sober living. I don't know if he will be keen about going though. They really like being at home with all the amenities.
My daughter is 26 and soon to be homeless. She can't afford her apartment much longer. Her drugs are really eating away at her finances. I have come to the conclusion if this is the way she chooses to live (she has opportunity for help and is not going) then she gets everything that goes along with it. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Its not mine, it's hers. I'm not qualified to help her and I can not live with her. She knows she can't and it makes her mad. I can't live with her it's too much and I know it would be a disaster for both of us. I hope your son is able to get a job and go to college.
|Posted by: sad eyes July 25, 2019, 7:44 AM|
|It's a hard desision to make , I think your son is still young and doing drugs keeps them from developing into mature adults, I think maybe boundaries you have to set , if he dosent abide by them well then look into him moving out, it's hard finding the places for them, does he attend any support groups? meetings etc my son is 25 lives at home, works does pay me money for board, I wish he would move out, but at this stage in his live I don't think it's the time, he would be so lonely, he has lost so many of his friends, only a couple who he sees and that's not often, I worry about him here but I think I would worry more about him been by himself, there is one thing I do know though, if I found it was a battle every day him living here I wouldn't hesitate to making him move out, it's hard and everybody's story is different, I just wish we all wasent going through this, it has taken me a bout 2 1/2 years for me to get my head around that I can't do anything for him, only to be there and support him, sorry I can't offer any really sound advise|
|Posted by: Parenting2 July 25, 2019, 8:00 AM|
|Thanks for the replies. I think what is the hardest for me is that he has improved so much from where he was! The problem is he was so far down. I mean, I can't believe what I went through when he was on spice. It was scary hell, I tell ya.
So, yes, I am so grateful he has decided to move away from those drugs and those people. He is trying to exercise, etc. The extended family thinks he is doing amazing, which in many ways he is! And, I try to tell him that.
However, I feel like he has to work, bottom line. He is a grand manipulator when he does not want to do something. Plus, I told him that he should be almost independent at this point. At this age, I would not mind helping with unexpected expenses, college expenses, but...I had a big confrontation with him about this. I know he has to leave if he has no job.
When I said group home, I was thinking for someone with brain damage or mental challenges. As he still does not seem to use logic at all. To the point that I really do wonder if he damaged his brain. Who knows!
I just want him to be in his own place, so I can get some distance. I never imagined having a kid that thought he was going to live with me and do nothing. When we were younger, we would have been embarrassed to death to do that!!
I want to say that I am grateful he is at this point. I don't want to lose sight of that. I think I am scared that he has damaged his brain permanently. Like, not even being able to remember small things to run a cash register. And, that sort of panics me!
Thanks for listening!
|Posted by: MomNMore August 12, 2019, 11:19 PM|
It is definitely codependence...lol.
He's not a kid, even though he acts like one...he's a man, but with none of the responsibilities of a man. It is not your job to get him into anything. He got himself into his problems, he should be the one to get himself out. Addicts are pretty resourceful people, he can do this if he has to. He can do the research, make the calls, find his own placement, find his own cousneling...meetings are free and everywhere and loaded with people who know those resources.
Homelessness can often be a great motivator. Of course you will be the big heavy, poor him, you kicked him out...yadda yadda yadda...mean mom, bad mom, you don't care, etc...I heard it all. I even got "You suck at this" when I called her in the hospital after ODing. Yeah, well I never aspired to be good at parenting an addict who didn't want help.
Let him go, he'll be fine or he won't, but whtever happens will be his doing, not yours, and there can be pride in getting oneself out.
|Posted by: Sallyanna August 12, 2019, 11:47 PM|
|Great post MomNMore!|
|Posted by: samegame August 13, 2019, 10:39 AM|
|All I can say pot is not as harmless as many want the public to believe. And he might not be doing harder drugs but he's doing drugs. Yes the pot is impairing him and probably contributed to something stupid but part of that is it sounds like he doesn't care or want to care. Almost like he wants to go through life a malaise ie can't deal with the realities of life sober. The alcoholic here goes into a tizzy if has to make a bed or clean. Daily life and associates chored, tasks bother the addicted more than you would think because it's not fun like getting high.
And yes homelessness is a good motivator for many. Set the rules, be very clear and tell them no tolerance policy.
|Posted by: Parenting2 August 13, 2019, 10:24 PM|
|Thank you for the replies.
I just want to be clear that I know that weed is dangerous and addictive and zaps motivation-bad stuff. But, on spice they are deranged-or at least my son was-like scary, out of his mind, like an animal...me sleeping with mace. I am just glad that is in the past, for now. Although weed is not any better for him, the results are better for my sanity! I can't even believe the things we went through with him on spice-surreal.
Samegame, yes, he cannot deal with anything. Nail on the head. And, always surprised when consequences happen while his head in the sand.
When I say brain damage, I mean things like he got moved off a cash register at his last job, because he could not run it. He could not memorize a menu. That type of stuff. I hope I am wrong, but I do think he has damaged his memory. And, he is not living with me for the rest of his life and I am not going to be a guardian or anything if it comes down to that. No way.
Great post mominmore. That is what I am working on-seeing him as a man. The last week or so, I have not even seen him. So, that is good! I like the freedom.
I guess it is tough, because he will not leave willingly, so I will have to go through the courts and call the police, etc. Even then, he will most likely sneak back in and continue to say, "this is my house". He really takes things to dramatic lengths, always has. I asked him to leave months ago, and he will stay away, but then I find him in his bed one night. Or, signs he has been eating food while we are work.
So, I was hoping for a third option, because I dread the cops in my house and having to press charges (probably multiple times), etc. It is just a shame because getting into the courts (at least here) does nothing but rack up charges. We have no drug/mental health court. He is so persistent this may just never really end without multiple charges, which sucks and is pointless and I know-his decision.
My strategy lately has been to ignore it and ignore him. He has no phone right now, so there is almost no contact between us. Like I said, have not even seen him & it has been a welcome relief. I know I am avoiding the issue, as he is eating in the house, though. Easier to just go live my life than try to track him down. I am sure I will continue to occasionally find him in the bed! What a mess.
I made a counseling appointment later in the week-maybe I can gain some clarity. I am enjoying just avoiding him and the whole situation-but probably not healthy to let him linger in and out of the house. Sigh....