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Message Board > Families / Partners of Addicts > Well...

Posted by: Sallyanna July 10, 2019, 4:28 AM
My daughter has decided she's too worried about where she is going to live than her real issue which is her drug addiction. She's not serious about getting help and she's quite frustrated and hurt I won't let her come live with me??? Which I make very clear is not an option especially with her current active severe addiction. She's all over the map and what is logical is a foreign language to her. She can't see the forest through the trees. One day she is very logical and the next she's making cringe worthy decisions which just make everything worse. I want to be supportive however I literally don't know what to say or do. She doesn't truly listen to sound advice and I'm at a loss. She needs detox and treatment she knows it but is so fixated on where she's living afterwards. I told her she just needs to take it one step at a time. Then it goes south....any words of wisdom is appreciated...thank you.

Posted by: coolmom37 July 10, 2019, 10:25 AM
Im a addict with 11 years clean off of Crystal meth and what you are doing is exactly the right thing. I have just recently decided that even though I have not been doing the drug for several years, I do in fact continue to do every step that I would have done to get high. I lie and steal and hurt the ones I love the most to get what I would need to get high, but I actually don't pick up my pipe to smoke. So for 11 years I have been fooling my self to believe Im clean and doing amazing. I saw the light when I realized "it takes steps to get high " and now I must take the " steps to get clean". Tough love is what we need as addicts, hold the addict responsible for his/her actions. I have found when there are consequences for my wrong doing I tend to respond better. Hang in there and remember " only the addict can choose recovery" and until they do there is not much anyone else can do accept to not enable them.

Posted by: Sallyanna July 10, 2019, 7:12 PM
Coolmom37 I really needed to hear your words today and I really appreciate your post. It helps to hear from those who have had an active addiction. Congratulations on 11 years and I think it's great your are having awareness and now insight to your own behaviors. I know I'm doing the right thing it's just as a parent it's hard but I try to stay consistent. I hope my daughter will get to where she needs to be. Thank you again!!!!

Posted by: samegame July 11, 2019, 10:42 AM
coolmom, congratulations on 11 years clean. You can start using the word 'decade' now, soon it will be a quarter century.

Said something so true-take steps to get high. There is some thought as there is thought to commit a crime to pay for that high. A chemical doesn't make one break and enter, shoplift, lie, steal etc. One is already morally and legally challenged(not that they cannot change or improve their impulse control). Seems you have learned to control your impulses which many addict cannot.

Keep up the good work and continue to share you experience and wisdom.

Posted by: sad eyes July 13, 2019, 8:14 AM
Coolmum congratulations and I was just going to post what sallyanne has, it's always good to hear from a recovering addict, the can throw more light to us, and maybe we can get a better understanding how the addict acts and why, although everyone one is different, I know I am very easy going to say the least, but my son has never been disrespectful to mum, got a little bit antsy now and again but nothing, I know he still uses, ( no money etc) sometimes I think it would be far easier for me to make him leave if he was an absolute d head! He does keep saying he's looking for somewhere, dosent move out i question myself often I am helping him or enabling him

Posted by: NyToFlorida July 13, 2019, 9:11 AM
Sad eyes - on one hand it may look like u are enabling. But he is paying u rent that he would have to pay someone else, he goes to work every day. He is no trouble to u. He is managing his addiction. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong. You are giving him a safe and trusted place to live. If u pulled that out from under him, he would be struggling. His Life might fall apart quick with the added stress. I know u worry and wish his life was different. As long as his actions are not interfering with your life financially and crisis every week, maybe it is ok if he stays.

On the other hand, he is not saving money or spending his time the way you want him to, bc the addiction is the priority. This is true, but not something u can force him to do.

We kicked our son out bc he was too disruptive to live with. Everyday asking for gas $, not maintaining the car, accidents, not paying rent to us or contributing. too much of my paycheck was going to him instead of the other way around.

Posted by: sad eyes July 13, 2019, 10:55 PM
NYT Thanks for saying just it’s like you dammed if you do and dammed if you don’t, what we want of are kids is not always how it works out, if things had to get really bad I know I wouldn’t hesitate to make him leave, I have a grandchild and two other sons, they also need me, he just sucks the life out of me! Do you mind me asking NYT have you been to visit your son? that must be a hard trip to make, we always think this might sort them out, but still they seem to make stupid choices take care

Posted by: NyToFlorida July 15, 2019, 9:14 PM
sad eyes, if my son was maintaining himself we would have let him stay. he slowly relapsed in the fall. by winter the addiction had a mind of its own. he would spend his paycheck, I would supplement for gas until the next paycheck. he sold his computer in February and got a large tax return. all spent in a blink. it was shocking, hard to wrap your head around it, even when you are watching it unfold, week after week. as long as we were giving enough, he would not have sold the computer. I have noticed when he gets to the desperate point where paycheck is not lasting and we are not giving, he starts selling things. he usually finds something around the house to sell. old car parts. usually does not take our stuff until he has exhausted all other options.... it was just a week away from that point.

Posted by: Sallyanna August 24, 2019, 1:05 AM
Well...according to my daughter she is one week from being evicted and running out of money. Her car is non functional and she's saying she's done with everything and to find her dog a home. I tell her the same thing I've told her for the past 6 months go to detox and then to rehab and she can take her dog with her. Its like I'm speaking a foreign language. Its so frustrating and sad and I hope she chooses help. Her logic is so bad right now. I know I keep repeating the same story. Thanks for listening.

Posted by: Parenting2 August 24, 2019, 6:51 PM
Sorry to hear this. I can relate with my son. It seems, even when not using, they cannot really put the pieces together. Like, cause and effect does not compute. Just wanted you to know I am listening and can relate!!

Posted by: Sallyanna August 24, 2019, 7:22 PM
Thank you P2 for responding. I'm having really bad anxiety and your words are comforting. I feel badly for all of us because it's so painful and it's a very helpless feeling. I'm usually very positive and optimistic and hopeful. I pray for all our children and for all of us.

Posted by: NyToFlorida August 24, 2019, 11:17 PM
Hi Sallyanna I wish I could say something to help. I am at a loss for words or ideas. I hope your daughter will choose to go to detox and rehab or a sober living house, if it is still an option for her.

My son is in jail until mid sept. He is supposed to go to a rehab or sober living place. But we don’t know any details. My husband has visited him. He says he does want to go there but he doesn’t have a choice since we won’t let him back home.

I think his ‘easy way’ is to live with us. And do the same old same old. I think he does not want to live on his own and be responsible for taking care of himself. I think we have to step aside and make him become independent.

It will be some tough days for us when he gets out. I hope he transitions gracefully and he does not end up on our steps.

My thoughts are with you.

Posted by: Sallyanna August 24, 2019, 11:32 PM
Thank you NTF. I hope your son transitions well too. You have come a long way this past year and you are doing the right thing. I hope in jail he has had time to think about his life and have some self reflection and insight. Thinking of you too.

Posted by: sad eyes August 25, 2019, 8:10 AM
I know what you mean that where like talking a foreign language, they just don't get it, there heads aren't clear, logic to us stop using than you may start thinking differently, we suggest they go into treatment rehab whatever, of course they don't need it!!!, meanwhile everything is falling apart around them and us, I do hope she finds so where, but more so gets treatment, a want a magic wand and fairy dust to make the living hell go away, sorry for venting feeling upset and pissed of with ot all, I'm same as you I don't even know what to say to my son anymore, except all the normal crap, how's your day been etc!! It's like I don't even want to touch base and ask him how things are, he dosent need to tell me, I know he's still using, why hasent he any money?? He just said tonight ( he's meant to be looking for a rental to move out) I know I should have money, I said I would worry about how you would go with your bills and everything, and keeping bills up to date, money he pays me for board I have been saving it for him, maybe for a bond for rental etc, or even if he would go on a holiday, I haven't told him I have been saving it, I question myself there, am I the idiot! Why can't they be NORMAL!! Sorry I've sure vented tonight, good night all and hope your daughter Sally Anne finds somewhere

Posted by: Sallyanna August 25, 2019, 9:58 AM
Thank you sad eyes. It's good to let out your frustration and this is the place to do it. We understand because we all have similar frustrations. It's very thoughtful to save his rent money for him however I think you should save that money for yourself. Take a vacation or buy something you would enjoy. You deserve it. I hope he will move out someday soon so you can have true peace.

Posted by: Sallyanna August 25, 2019, 10:03 AM
I should say more peace. I don't think any of us ever have true peace.

Posted by: sad eyes August 26, 2019, 12:58 AM
Yes I don’t think they’ll ever be peace, funny when my kids where all younger, I always felt I had to watch him, to make sure he was ok, because he was always quieter and it’s no bloody different now, I still worry about him, think I always will, I question all the time why, he has a miserable life, never goes out hardly, he’ll never meet any body, I’m sick of worrying, I’m done

Posted by: Sallyanna August 28, 2019, 6:25 PM
Well...In about 6 days my daughter will be officially homeless. I'm talking to her she told me she didn't think her drugs were a problem and "really Im normal so no one even notices". I said what about all the chaos in your life? Didn't these things happen due to drugs??? No she said. There were other reasons for those things, other people's fault but not due to drugs she said.????? This is the logic we are dealing with. No wonder we are struggling as parents and loved ones. I've decided I'm not qualified to deal with this. I love her dearly however she needs a brain transplant at this point. I worried anxiously for days and now I'm laying it down.

Posted by: NyToFlorida August 28, 2019, 11:49 PM
HelloSallyanna, sorry about your daughters situation. My son also has said ‘drugs have nothing to do with it (unfortunate situation of the day). Last car accident “ he was run off the road by an 18 wheeler”. (We don’t think so). Especially when they are in active addiction they don’t think drugs are a problem. They get to a point where they are doing drug to feel normal, but it is their normal not our normal. (Their normal is to not feel sick, anxious, withdrawal)

They think they are acting normal enough that no one notices.

Idk if my son will ever admit drugs or his own actions are to blame for any unfortunate events.

He acts like bad predicaments just happen on their own. And are unavoidable. That it’s just accidents that happen to everyone.

With a straight face he will tell you that hitting something with your car once a week is normal. Lol. Accidents, can’t avoid it. ;)

Brandon Novak put it well when he says “ addiction is a disease that tells me I have no disease”

Posted by: sad eyes August 29, 2019, 1:00 AM
You’ve hit the nail on the head, so true, it’s always someone else’s fault, my son seems he’s pissed of with people, my other son said other night, the addict was meeting us at the other some house, always caught up, it was traffic I know, but it’s like time is never an issue with him, they are self medicating, like you say to feel normal,

Posted by: sad eyes August 29, 2019, 1:08 AM
Ps sally Anne I know I wish we where equipped to deal with this, I have got where I don’t even want to address the situation, I would love to buy him a one way ticket, and for him do deal with this somewhere else, it’s all to hard, my brain is tired of trying to work things out, there is no easy fix

Posted by: Sallyanna August 29, 2019, 9:58 PM
Thank you NTF and Sad Eyes. I totally agree and can relate to all your comments. My daughter's eviction court date was this morning and guess what??? She was able to get the money together in the nick of time. Her sister helped her out some and my daughter had the rest. Her next month rent will be due next week so not sure how she plans to pay it. I know her sister won't give her anymore. She has never given her money before so I was rather shocked she did. I feel some relief because it does buy her some more time to get her act together if she chooses to do so. This has been such an emotional past 2 weeks for me. Thanks for listening and all the support. I appreciate everyone so much.