Ex Out Of Rehab
Posted: August 30, 2017, 11:52 AM

Posts: 59
Joined: July 12, 2017

My ex husband got out of his fourth rehab trip on Monday. I guess he's in a 3/4 way house which is new. He usually goes to the halfway house. He's always been someone who needs rules but doesn't like to follow them. Maybe this one will work? I'm not sure. He called to video chat with our daughter which she just played in her kitchen and pretended to make both of us stuff. That's fine. I don't mind him talking to her while he's sober. Then he messaged me after he had to go and said "I wish I could play with her." I didn't say anything. What do I need to say? I could have been a smart a** but why bother.

This morning he messaged me on my way to work "Good morning I hope you have an awesome day." I didn't answer until I got to work and just hit thumbs up. I mean to me any time he's nice I get cautious. Does he want something? Is he up to something? Then goes "I hope we can hangout soon." I said "Well you can come see our daughter but you have to come to her and I can meet you at the zoo or somewhere." He says "Why can't I just come to your apartment?" I said I don't think it's a good idea at this point and if someone brings you, they will just drop you off anyway. He will likely get a ride from a friend but he said he has to wait until he gets paid. Hopefully that means he found a job Monday. I said odd that your family won't bring you. He said maybe but I could get this friend to drive me. I said I was being sarcastic I know they won't bring you. I asked him where he has a job and then had to go into work.

I'm not letting him come back into my apartment or go out of my way for him or his family ever again. His family has not asked about our daughter in a month since he went to rehab. Not one of them. That's not new though they rarely do. I've heard his mom is going around acting like he's just doing amazing things after this rehab trip. It's his fourth time since 2012. To me if that was my kid I'd be proud if he managed to stay sober 6 months or more. Held a job for more than five months at a time. Took care of his kids. That would be amazing to me.

There's still this part deep, deep in my heart that holds onto him and I hate it though. I wish doctors could find it and cut it out like cancer. I'm listening to my head though because my heart is stupid. He's not coming to the apartment. He's going to come see her if he wants to have time with her. He's going to start to help out or he won't see her. I really hope this time worked but I have little faith in him. It also doesn't help when his mom praises him every single time he goes to rehab or he's sober for a little bit. She did this last summer he was at her house for 2 weeks after he got out of jail and then before he got arrested for probation violation. She was like "oh he's doing so great" on the first day he was there.

Hindsight is 20/20. I wish I hadn't been so stupid but I can't change it. I can't change who her father is. But I don't have to let him manipulate me or his family or deal with bs. If he's ready to join the adult world finally at 35 that's great.
Posted: August 30, 2017, 3:44 PM

Posts: 185
Joined: November 2, 2016

Sparks, it sounds like you are doing the best you can. You are allowing him to be a father while establishing your boundaries.

I am sure it tugs on your heartstrings. Stick to your guns on waiting until he was some decent time in recovery. Hopefully, he will move forward, but I agree-you can't wade into those waters and get hurt again.

Wishing you peace.
Posted: August 30, 2017, 10:02 PM

Posts: 733
Joined: October 5, 2015

Hi Sparks, How long has he been in rehab now? What's a 3/4 house? I've never heard of that before? Stay strong Sparks! Your doing a good job! Thinking of you Mary💜
Posted: September 1, 2017, 9:16 PM

Posts: 1716
Joined: June 27, 2016

Hi Sparks - thanks for sharing! This is your time to 'Be all that YOU can Be! Theres nothing wrong with setting boundaries - set them firm and stay strong to what YOU want. he will try to edge in and make the boundary lines fuzzy. catch your self, plan ahead for his excuses. Its easier to stay firm from the start. once you flip flop he will squeeze in thru the cracks... its amazing how they can be so manipulating and relentless. try to set a future date - like a year from now. Plan what to say - keep it simple - Its best to live apart for a year.... etc
35 is young. he has to feel the consequence of his actions. and feel the responsibility of being independent Same for you - be independent. don't let him hold you down, you have a lot of life ahead of you. make it count.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on September 1, 2017, 9:18 PM
Posted: September 6, 2017, 10:04 AM

Posts: 59
Joined: July 12, 2017


A three quarter way house seems to be like a halfway house but there are fewer rules than a halfway house. Usually someone would go to a three quarter way house after a halfway house. He has been to the halfway house three times before and he always left there after a few months. The halfway house you couldn't have your phone if you didn't pay rent. This three quarter way house they don't have that rule and you don't have to sign in and out. They just have to be home by 11 on weeknights and 1 am on weekends. Supposedly he has two options for jobs. One hasn't called back and the other one just kind of popped up on Sunday so he said he will probably take the second one even though it pays 2 dollars an hour less. I said well some money is better than no money.

He was in rehab for 30 days. The longest he's ever been in rehab is 45 days I think. They don't do long term rehab where we live. I think he would have to go out of state and have to have a lot of money to go to a long term center. He's doing the same thing he does every time - posting his little "inspirational" memes and acting like he's a changed person. He's not.

I was up where he lives for a birthday party so I took our daughter to see him. Went to the park. Then out to eat. While we were eating he says "What if in six weeks I came to your apartment and had $6000?" I said I'd ask you where the hell you got it and what laws did you break to get it. No one gets that much money that fast. He said nothing illegal...and then says "well kind of maybe." Something about a friend is trying to sell some stuff that "no one is looking for." I said don't bring that crap around me. I don't want money unless you got it working at a job - a real job. Not stealing, not helping someone steal.

Sober or not he's never going to change. I know this - his family doesn't seem to get it. His one sister just constantly likes every damn thing he posts. Takes him out to eat. His mom is again way too involved in his life. I think she started working at the halfway house he used to live at...she keeps trying to get him to go back there. Brings him food because he doesn't have his EBT card yet or a job. Goes out of her way to do anything for him. And now she's doing it with his oldest son who is 15 - sending him money. The kid is already into smoking pot and drinking and acting a fool just like both his parents. I knew - sadly - he would end up like his dad and mom. He has had no guidance. No role models. His mom, dad and stepdad are all drug users. His stepdad beat him. His mom was in and out of jail the last couple years using meth. So was his dad (my ex). He thinks he's untouchable just like his dad did in high school. It's pretty sad because he was such a good kid and he's smart.

Every time I see what my ex posts on Facebook I just want to hit the laughing emoticon on every single one. It doesn't change. I will honestly be surprised if he still has a job and is sober by the end of the year. He hasn't done meth as far as I know since he went to the hospital in July after he OD'd but I know he drank and smoked pot before he went to rehab. Once he has money I guarantee he starts drinking at the very least. And if he did get that $6000 I honestly dont' think he would give it to me anyway.
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