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|Message Board > Recovery Milestones > Trying To Put Myself Back Together|
|Posted by: grizzly July 12, 2014, 2:58 PM|
|hey so.. I could just really go for some advice right now..
so hear it goes
as a kid I was a very happy, confident, smart, social and nice person. I guess you could think of me as well rounded. I had no problems talking to people I didn't know and was always excited to meet new people. i was like this up until about half way through high school.
at the same time, I started smoking weed when I was 12 years old.. I got really into it by the time I was 15. (yes I know that's incredibly young) but it didn't really bother me at that time I was young and having fun, I hung out with an older crowd and could do a lot of things most people my age couldn't do.
by the time I was 16 I moved in with my boyfriend he was 5 years older than me at the time, it was okay at first until we started to physically fight all the time. we dated for 2 and a half years..
my 2nd boyfriend I had the same issue with.. we were always physically fighting. around this time I also started experimenting with other drugs.. didn't get addicted to any of them, but at this point I was diagnosed with a mental illness.. (bipolar and borderline personality trait disorder) I started getting anxiety and I felt different every where I went I couldn't stand to be at school anymore. I quit doing all drugs for awhile, including weed. but I was still living through hell at that time. my thoughts made no sense and I guess some could call me insane if they really knew what I was thinking at the time.
this bothered me for years after.. sooner or later I started drinking instead. during these times I met another boyfriend who drank a lot too, sooner or later we were doing cocaine together. and something very tragic happened to him that hurts me till this day. regardless I haven't lived the greatest life. and by appearance you'd never be able to tell. I still drink but I've cut down a lot because of all the stupid things I've done while drinking. although i have once again quit all drugs.
I feel like I wasn't always the type of person to get myself into all this crap. im not mentally ill anymore, but I still do feel like I have some anxiety.. there are days where I feel completely hopeless. i don't have a job and im years late on going to college because it took me forever to finish high school. my self esteem is a lot lower than it was before. sometimes i wonder where all that potential went to.. if i can ever regain it back. i'd like to know if i can ever become that person i was again.. i feel opinion less, and a lot of times a struggle to talk to people. i find myself avoiding conversation and faking it otherwise.
can someone help me out here?
|Posted by: Lauren DeStefano December 16, 2014, 4:39 PM|
|Things will always find their way to getting better. The truth is, we may never figure out the reasons why we feel the way we do. We may have ideas about why and we may be able to draw conclusions based on past events...but the truth is, there may never be an answer. That is hard in itself, because as people we want answers. We want someone to tell us what is wrong with us and how we can fix it. I struggled with anorexia for a long time and I had to get myself out of it; no one else was going to save me, but me. I struggled with alcohol, but never the extent where I was addicted to it, more just that whenever I did drink, I drank too much and made stupid decisions that I could not reverse. A lot of times we try to figure out the meaning of life and why we are here, but the best answer to that question is this: there is no real, true meaning of life, and if there was, we would know about it by now. We have to stop trying to figure out the perfect way to live, and just LIVE! This life is short and we must not take that for granted. Many things in my life were less than perfect, and still are in some aspects, but I found that being able to find the good in everything really gives you a different outlook on life altogether. Things happen that we cannot control, but we can control how we handle those things. We are in charge of our future and our present. The past is the past and it's not good holding onto that. Life is ticking by and we must all find ways to make it unique and special. "Happiness is a journey not a destination." You can live a happy life if that is what you want.|