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Message Board > Families / Partners of Addicts > Dating An Addict

Posted by: Smilesad789 July 10, 2016, 3:19 PM
My boyfriend is an addict. He has been struggling with the addiction for 4 years. He had a relapse about 3 weeks ago and I was there for him through it all because he has nobody. He came to Delray to live in a halfway and get help. When I talk to him on the phone because he is in rehab he sounds good but today he was talking about wanting to go back to his home Illinois. That hurt me because home isn't where he should be. I'm willing to help him by going to meetings and supporting him but he also needs to get his own support system. I love the boy a lot, I understand addiction but I'm just running out of ways to help him stay positive. I know that he can get through it. What do I do? Is there any suggestions on what to say to him, other than everything is going to be okay. How do I help him not relapse?

Posted by: NyToFlorida July 11, 2016, 3:12 PM
Hi, This is a tough spot. I have trouble coming up with positive things to say to my son. phone calls are every few weeks or so. he has been thru rehab and halfway house. phone calls end up being kind of quiet. he says 'he knows what he has to do, just cant figure out how to do it". I say "I have said so many things over and over, I have nothing new to say" he agrees.

Motivation: He has to surround himself with people who are making it. Go to meetings or whatever his support system is. If the support he was getting was not working, try another.

Tell him to Look for people who are doing well. copy what they are doing. They did not get every thing going well over night. It takes years. or many months at least. your bf has to find the thing that clicks for him. He may have wanted things to be better too fast, and then is disappointed.

Work on small steps and small plans that are easily accomplished. He does not have to do everything in a month, but do one thing, once he masters that do the next thing.
(this is a non addict talking)

It can be tough for some and easier for others. You just can not predict what will make things click. A fulfilling job, a sponsor, a mentor, a spiritual motivation, and so on.

In the end, where to go and what to do are his decision. Deciding whether to hang on to him is your decision. Maybe he does not want to continuously put you through this.

Tell him to write down his options and write down how each option will play out. that might make it helpful to see the choices. maybe he feels like he tried and it didnt work in florida.

Tell him you will support his decision.

Posted by: Papa Bear July 11, 2016, 3:19 PM
Why in the world would a normal girl date an addict ?
I strongly recommend you give your head a shake.

Good luck.


Posted by: NyToFlorida July 11, 2016, 3:43 PM
papa bear - I just have to say, You made me Laugh. Yes, that is the part that I did not say in my post. You are right. But, there must be some successful couples out there?

(I am secretly hoping my son meets a nice girl who is not an addict.)

Posted by: constantine July 11, 2016, 4:07 PM
I seem to be biting people's heads off lately so if this sounds like I'm doing that I apologize beforehand. ..
So...if you know about addiction you know there's nothing you can he going to mtgs ? If so tell him to get a sponsor...he needs to call that person...or someone on the phone list...not you...there is nothing you can do or say to an addict who doesn't want to be clean an addict. ..if I don't want to be clean...nothing in the world gonna make cant help him...that's the answer

PB...I had to laugh too....i know ...right ?

Posted by: Mandm July 11, 2016, 4:22 PM
Hi, Maybe moving will help him get away from his drug friends and it will be a bit easier not having those"triggers" that make him want drugs? Makes sense to me. Could be he wants a fresh start in a place that's safe for him. Best thing for him when he gets out of rehab is get set up with a sponsor at one of the NA meetings. I am not an addict but I have read so much on here that people who do that tend to do well. That and getting involved in a church. No lies, those are the success stories. Look at Papa Bear, he's a success story. Good luck!

Posted by: constantine July 11, 2016, 4:33 PM military...a program...a deserted island
and not even death will fix him...he has to want it...sorry...that's the truth...

Posted by: Mandm July 11, 2016, 4:40 PM
Constantine, Your not you when your hungry! Grab a snickers!! lol. Mary.

Posted by: Papa Bear July 11, 2016, 5:10 PM
Knowingly choosing an alcoholic/addict as a boyfriend/girlfriend is like going to the new car lot and looking over all the beautiful new vehicles.

You look and look and you see a unit parked over in the corner at the back with the hood up.

You ask the salesman about the car and he says:
"Well, we have had it for a while and we can't seem to get it running right or keep it running. I would let you take it for a spin but we can't guarantee it will get you back safely. We don't like to let it off the lot because it keeps quitting and has to be towed back for more work. We’re not sure what all the faults are with the car or if it will ever run right at all. We call the car "runt" because we're not sure if it'll make it..... All the rest of the cars on our lot run beautifully, which one are you interested in ??"

You say (in all blindness and misdirected desire) "I'll take "runt""
(and you say that expecting great results and a wonderful life)
(and after years of work and heartache you can't figure out what went wrong)

All the best.
Bob R

Posted by: constantine July 11, 2016, 11:44 PM
Lol... most Definetly need a snickers !!