On Methadone But Almost Home.
Posted: June 14, 2015, 7:46 PM


Posts: 681
Joined: June 8, 2015



OH MY GODYES! I mean NO! I can't accept that I have to take meds in order to function. I mean I think if had to do it for awhile in order to get through something tough without wrecking everything, then fine. But I will never accept that I have to stay there forever. THEY (the pills) MAY TAKE OUR LIVES, BUT THEY WILL NEVER TAKE... OUR FREEDOM!!!

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'considerate people don't trash bars'
Jost Sauer - Rebels Guide to Recovery
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Posted: June 14, 2015, 9:00 PM


Posts: 681
Joined: June 8, 2015



well that doesn't make sense. sounds good in my head though.

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'considerate people don't trash bars'
Jost Sauer - Rebels Guide to Recovery
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Posted: June 14, 2015, 10:21 PM


Posts: 973
Joined: May 14, 2015



No,that makes total sense, least did to me anyway. Ha your funny, is it the 30s? When I was going through it, I got stuck in the 80s as well. Walked around with a bright yellow walkman,not even Discman! Cassette walkman, rockin out with a broken hand cause I punched A wall when I was dropping super fast, looking like a straight tweak! Finally caught up with the times&got a smartphone that plays music. Ha, anyway hang in there! Kinda hAte using that phrase cause it seems so light through something so intense. -Mary
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Posted: June 14, 2015, 10:38 PM


Posts: 681
Joined: June 8, 2015



hahaha makes me think of UB40 for some reason. Yeah I was talking to my missus about this really frustrating situation and just lost it for a sec and sort of clench teeth screamed. I had to get her to fake laugh in case the neighbours called the cops or something. Oh great, a broken hand, just what you needed right? And yeah you don't have a lot of choice with the whole keep your chin up thing. I mean you can't end it negative like. "so anyway, have good day, and you're f***ed and no one can help you" but yeah when it gets dark it doesn't seem right to go all chirpy on it. I think it is right though. But yeah that's why I say stupid s*** like stay gold Ponyboy, or cool bananas and rhyyyyye vita bread, at the end of stuff. If you can't be positive and you don't wanna be negative, just be weird. That's my motto

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'considerate people don't trash bars'
Jost Sauer - Rebels Guide to Recovery
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Posted: June 15, 2015, 3:07 AM


Posts: 681
Joined: June 8, 2015



5pm day 14 another long as day. Not losing it today. I think I'm finally coming to grips with the whole thing. Accepting that ok it's not gonna just end suddenly and I will emerge with a new set of wings and a custom tattoo job. I jumped on this (slow) train, and now I gotta ride it all the way home. I TRIED to jump off but I guess my foot got caught somehow, or the door was locked. Yeah that's it the door is locked and won't open till we reach the station. Meanwhile, the fat controller was having trooble with the traffic. Oh no! said Thomas... Anyway super tired. Not hitting the toilet so much, but still got my eye twitching away making me look like a nutter. Getting this weird jolt where my whole body jumps as if I been hit with a cattle prod. Still hot and cold, more cold, but it's not as unpleasant as before. So at least today I can say, I'm better than yesterday. So it's not all so bad at the end of the day.

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'considerate people don't trash bars'
Jost Sauer - Rebels Guide to Recovery
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Posted: June 15, 2015, 3:09 AM


Posts: 973
Joined: May 14, 2015



Yeah the broken hand, least got me on disability cause no way would've been able to work. Funny thing was when people asked how my hand was feeling & I'd think huh? Hand? That was least my concerns then! Well least cops didn't get called with whatever happened between you guys& if she was willing to do a fake laugh then she's there for you, you know? Oh and remembered you quoting stay gold ponyboy before and I tripped out on that. First week or so off I couldn't concentrate on Movies for life of me....I'm laying in bed like death&friend puts on movie without telling me what. Outsiders. I immediately started bawling, thinking you HAD to put this on! (Reminded me of my son's dad&we were apart then) so yeah when you say that I get a flashback to that moment.
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Posted: June 15, 2015, 2:16 PM


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Joined: June 8, 2015



that's crazy. I never say it. It just randomly popped into my head while I was posting on here. doo doo doo doo THE TWILIGHT ZONE. Yeah when I screamed that time, we weren't fighting or anything, we were just talking about something really frustrating and it was like I stepped on a stick and suddenly the bear knew I was there. I was like quick honey cover me! She's awesome, so patient. It's like we are in a rugby scrum and she is all the other people on my side, and keeps filling the gaps when they appear, lending support where there is weakness.

Anyway, I finally caved and hit someone up for a double dose of temazepam. I was so reluctant as I didn't want to risk prolonging the wd's(I dunno if that even happens wi temaz) but also because I don't want get away from the opiates only to find myself dependant on another drug for my regular everyday functions. But it had been two weeks yesterday, and the most I had slept was two hours in a night and that was only twice. Otherwise it was either nothing, or 30min to 1hr. And I was losing it.

It sounds weird to say but thankfully I woke up with all my withdrawals in place but feeling a bit less desperately exhausted. It was worth it. I have dealt with long bouts of little to no sleep before and never hit the panic button. I think it's just while the wd's are still fairly strong it was just starting to topple me.

I feel I have to say that I waited until I got through my latest freak out, and was reasonably ok before I made that decision. I didn't want it to become another coping mechanism. It wasn't a awesome nights sleep ( it's 3am) but better than anything thus far. I think I got 3 short naps of 2hr each. so 6 hours! hvala bog! such a relief. But yeah back to grinding out these wd's and feeling more ready to weather the storm. Well it's more like heavy rain now.

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'considerate people don't trash bars'
Jost Sauer - Rebels Guide to Recovery
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Posted: June 15, 2015, 4:31 PM


Posts: 681
Joined: June 8, 2015



6:30 am I'm am definately feeling better this morning. I think when I wasn't sleeping it really amplified the symptoms and I was viewing them in connection to the really bad ones I had earlier in the piece. Still all happening, I'm a bit achey (is that a word?) and I am anxious in the chest. My heart rate is up, but it's doable. I'm kind of waiting for the day to start so I can hassle someone for some stimulating conversation. And it sure is sweet watching the sun come up every morning.

I tried to do a crossword but once I started missing too many answers I was like ARGH KILL YOU. So still jumpy and tweaky, but no longer pleading with the symptoms to stop torturing me. Don't get me wrong, it's unpleasant and uncomfortable, but so much more manageable at this stage. So yep, day 15, I got this in the bag.

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'considerate people don't trash bars'
Jost Sauer - Rebels Guide to Recovery
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Posted: June 15, 2015, 5:20 PM


Posts: 681
Joined: June 8, 2015



I seek to cure what's deep inside, frightened of this thing that I've become.
#DRUMS#
It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
there's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do.
I bless the rains in Australia
gonna take some time to do the things we never have.

Toto - Africa
(I had to say Australia coz that's how I roll)

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'considerate people don't trash bars'
Jost Sauer - Rebels Guide to Recovery
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Posted: June 15, 2015, 6:43 PM


Posts: 973
Joined: May 14, 2015



15 days! And you said you got 6hr sleep other night? Amazing! What's tamazepam? I'm gonna look it up. Yeah heart racing...ugh. does it happen when you wake as well? If I remember right I think@that time I would bounce outta bed but would only race upon waking if someone or something woke me, then I would shoot outta bed like there was some sort of natural disaster or something. Happy your in good spirits right now,considering!
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Posted: June 15, 2015, 6:57 PM


Posts: 681
Joined: June 8, 2015



temaz is benzo I believe. But yeah my heart just decides go to a rave every now and then and I just have sit back like the boring boyfriend until it's done dancing. I think it's just anxiety and tension n' stuff. Better than the shooting pains I WAS having in the chest and down my arm whatever. I could totally amazing waking up with the lights flashing and air raid sirens going when you said about the waking up thing. Gave me a good giggle

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'considerate people don't trash bars'
Jost Sauer - Rebels Guide to Recovery
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Posted: June 15, 2015, 6:58 PM


Posts: 681
Joined: June 8, 2015



I meant imagine not amazing. bloody auto correct

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'considerate people don't trash bars'
Jost Sauer - Rebels Guide to Recovery
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Posted: June 15, 2015, 7:00 PM


Posts: 973
Joined: May 14, 2015



Ok it's a benzodiazepine, was wondering cause it ends with Pam. Thought knew them all but guess I didn't! I wouldn't worry too much long as you keep yourself in check with them. I was taking clonazepam(klonopins) but had been on them few years daily while on methadone, so didn't do sh** for me. Would take extras&friend gave me bunch of lorazepam(ativan) which at that time still didn't do much but later on did. My Dr months later prescribed me Adivan but so so careful as like you said don't want dependency on something else. I'm right now In process tapering off the klonopins. Day 15 for sleep etc was taking: benadryl, melatonin, trazadone, and clonidine. All those from day #1. Anyway think your in clear with what you took long as you don't take daily for too long
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Posted: June 15, 2015, 7:03 PM


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Joined: May 14, 2015



See the addict in me couldn't wait for you to respond, had to look it up! Air raid sirens! Exactly, ha
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Posted: June 15, 2015, 7:06 PM


Posts: 681
Joined: June 8, 2015



yeah ok, cool beans. yeah the ones I was familiar with are diazepam, and temazepam, but one day years ago my old doc gave me some oxazepam and wow. It's like the other ones were two very friendly women named Diane and Tamara and they would stroke your hair until you drift off but Ox would say RIGHT CLOSE YOUR EYES AND HOLD STILL. and then BAM! sledgehammer. but yeah worked a treat last night but apparently your tolerance can sky rocket so I'll jus be careful and only when desperate.

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'considerate people don't trash bars'
Jost Sauer - Rebels Guide to Recovery
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Posted: June 15, 2015, 7:17 PM


Posts: 973
Joined: May 14, 2015



Man never met ox, maybe good thing I didn't! Ha, yeah I don't know sleep will come back, seems like forever but my sense of time was so fuzzy, looking back think came back quicker then I thought at time. But strange sense of time lasted forever! Really the lorazepam really helped at around 3months off, when I would fly into rages, I still didn't take as often as rages occurred but didn't want to scare everyone away from me. Still drove everyone nuts myself included but yeah made it a small small temporary fix so I wouldn't bash my head through a window or something....
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Posted: June 15, 2015, 7:28 PM


Posts: 681
Joined: June 8, 2015



Laura (lorazepam) sounds lovely, like you're all flippin out in a bar by yourself trashing the place cops in riot gear and she's the only one who can talk you down hahaaa. yeah that's a big one. Your fuze becomes so short once you stop mellowing yourself wi meds. I done pretty good so far with staying away from stuff that flips the switch in my head, but sometimes it just happens too fast.

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'considerate people don't trash bars'
Jost Sauer - Rebels Guide to Recovery
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Posted: June 15, 2015, 8:19 PM


Posts: 973
Joined: May 14, 2015



Hahaha that's pretty funny analogy! Yeah everyone's different, honestly at couple weeks off I wasn't flipping out, in that sense anyway. Probably for over a month if anyone tried to start conflict (or even an unpleasant intense conversation that in my brain seemed like war) I couldn't handle it, brain spinning, confused, heart racing....I didn't know how to react, arguing or anything similar to that was WAY too much. Oh but once I got through that phase all my reactions came on full force!
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Posted: June 15, 2015, 8:39 PM


Posts: 681
Joined: June 8, 2015



Oh great. I just know it's gonna be like that for me too. I have always been almost notoriously short tempered. I spent years trying to lengthen my fuse to just long enough so I could get ahold of myself before racing off to crazy town in those types of situations. I may well have to go back to school now.

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'considerate people don't trash bars'
Jost Sauer - Rebels Guide to Recovery
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Posted: June 15, 2015, 11:06 PM


Posts: 973
Joined: May 14, 2015



Oh no, I did not mean to scare you! Too late to take back my words now...Well. for Me I thought i was prepared for everything no sleeping, depression etc. So when I started turning into a lion round 3months off, I was NOT prepared....did a lot of reading up& found that it's common BUT that being said not everyone experiences that either. So hopefully you don't. I lost my house that I loved and my job, those two life changes combined may have made worse for me, or maybe I Was Reason I lost them. Either way, we can't predict how we are going to handle situations or what we are going to be feeling couple weeks months etc. Just try to stay positive like your doing.
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