My Fiancé Is An Alcoholic And I’m Ready To Leave
Posted: January 5, 2020, 1:34 PM


Posts: 55
Joined: December 17, 2019



Thanks for sharing your experience, Adam. Feel free to forward me links to the group that helped you.what you shared touches me and triggers me, if I’m being honest. I’ve been through so much, so I’m not sure that I am in a place to do the work on behalf of my partner especially when he’s not ready to do the work. I feel like I have done that in the past and even now in my own recovery/personal work and faith I feel served him, along with my capacity to better cope with the situation at hand and not feed into the monster that is addiction. So I’m not sure I can hang in there and not give up so to speak. I guess the question I have posed with my higher power is how much can I endure and at what point am I not being compassionate and kind to myself and my wellbeing... In any event, I do appreciate your kind words of encouragement. And I’m glad to hear you’ve been sober and healthy. That’s quite an accomplishment. Blessings to you.
  Top
Posted: January 10, 2020, 2:55 PM


Posts: 55
Joined: December 17, 2019



Days like today are hard. The feeling of anxiety that comes on from out of nowhere, without any rhyme or reason. The trauma and pain around how the addict’s behavior has the ability to trigger mine. Keep reciting the serenity prayer in hopes I can come back to the present moment. And...Taking lots of deep breaths.
  Top
Posted: January 13, 2020, 10:28 PM


Posts: 55
Joined: December 17, 2019



Hi All... I hope if you’re reading this, this message reaches you in good spirits and all is well. I want you all to know that you give me strength and motivate me to stay on track and focus on my inner work and healing. Through your shares I recognize that we have a common bond and that is our loved one is struggling with some sort of addiction. I don’t know that one situation or scenario is better than the other. What I will say is through reading your shares there have been moments where I have said to myself, it could be worse for me because some of you have endured much greater hardships than me. I don’t know what I would do if my daughter struggled with addiction, seems to me that would be way worse than this so called “partner” of mine who refuses to believe he’s an alcoholic. That said, I have an interview tomorrow. I’m praying that it goes well and that if it’s meant to be for me, I will get it. My partner doesn’t even know I have an interview because his way of controlling things is to keep me from being independent. Anyway, I wanted to share that with placing the focus on me and not him- a lot of good things have been happening for me lately. My prayer is that god/the universe will continue to guide me in the right direction. Your prayers are welcome. Thank you for listening! Sending you all love.
  Top
Posted: January 13, 2020, 11:34 PM


Posts: 57
Joined: January 12, 2020



Hopeful, I recommend you get yourself into Al-Anon or some other program. If you don't deal with your co-dependent tendencies you are likely to repeat with other SOs (even if you pull yourself out of this relationship).

When I divorced I went on a several year hiatus, focusing on my children, and job.... thinking I was breaking the thought pattern that kept leading me into unhealthy relationships. But a hiatus has to include soul searching and really examining yourself.. something I did not do, and lo and behold, the next relationship I got into was with yet another alcoholic.

I am probably older than most in this forum (60), and I don't feel a strong need to be in a marriage or relationship like I did in my earlier years. I decided that while I can build wonderful meaningful friendships with men, I am very poor at maintaining healthy intimate relationships. So I focus on what I have, rather than what I do not have..

And try to remember that the loneliness you feel from within an unhealthy relationship is much more painful than being alone.

This post has been edited by Jupiter2 on January 13, 2020, 11:35 PM
  Top
Posted: January 14, 2020, 12:02 AM


Posts: 55
Joined: March 20, 2018



Good luck tomorrow!

I hope your interview goes well.
  Top
Posted: January 14, 2020, 12:59 AM


Posts: 55
Joined: December 17, 2019



Thank you mom and thank you Jupiter. Jupiter you are right Al-Anon is a saving grace. I’ve been going off and on for the last 3 years but really immersed myself in the program over the last 6 months because I was tired of obsessing over his behavior and needed to take responsibility for my own “sickness”. Thank you for reminding me that it’s more than ok to be alone, in fact looking back some of the best times in my life were when I was “single” and solely focused on me. I took care of myself and was truly content. Anyway, I’m looking forward to continuing to get better in my own recovery, regaining my independence and getting myself out of this situation. Thanks for the prayers and sentiments.
  Top
Posted: January 16, 2020, 6:34 PM


Posts: 55
Joined: December 17, 2019



Still waiting to hear back from the job opportunity. In the meantime, in crisis mode. I haven’t slept in the last 24 hours. My qualifier went on a bender last night. Fortunately, it appears he has left (drove his car and drunk because the rest of the whiskey is gone). I am praying he doesn’t come back tonight so I can have peace and figure out what to do next. A dear friend who lives in another state thinks I should just cut my losses, leave and not worry if he pays for the next three months in our place even though my name is on it too. She thinks it’s safer for me to just risk him not paying the remaining lease, than to stay. I never ask for advice but you all have been so wonderful at being vulnerable and sharing, as well as lovingly offering support via advice, so I am curious what you would do?

This post has been edited by Hopeful11 on January 16, 2020, 6:38 PM
  Top
Posted: January 16, 2020, 10:40 PM


Posts: 255
Joined: December 23, 2018



Hopeful, what happened? Can you really live the next 3 months like this? What is the worst that happens if you leave? If you have a safe place to go, how long can you stay there? Are there job opportunities there? Do the best you can to get out when you are able & never look back. I'm sorry you are going thru this....
  Top
Posted: January 17, 2020, 1:14 AM


Posts: 57
Joined: January 12, 2020



Hopeful, when you list the pros and cons, what falls on the positive side? When your friend encourages you to cut your losses, what are the losses being cut?

Years ago, I was complaining about my boyfriend to my Aunt Fern, and she said maybe we should break up. I said we had 2 years invested in the relationship already and I didn't want to waste that. She didn't miss a beat and said "Oh, I see, you want to waste the REST of your life."


  Top
Posted: January 17, 2020, 9:49 PM


Posts: 255
Joined: December 23, 2018



Jupiter - EXCELLENT COMMENT from Aunt Fern!!!
  Top
Posted: January 18, 2020, 11:31 AM


Posts: 55
Joined: December 17, 2019



Mtmom & Jupiter, thank you. It’s funny when we pause and remember we didn’t cause it, can’t control it and can’t cure it. When I first heard that in Al-Anon it resonated so deeply. Basically mtmom he went on a bender, same antics as about six months ago. Yes, he’s drank since then but not like these periodic binging episodes. He even drove drunk, I couldn’t believe he put others, including himself in that position again but he did. Anyway, he came home incoherent, aggressive and I was scared. It was the first time I actually thought he could hurt me, even when I tried to disengage and go into another room, he wouldn’t leave me alone- so I left. The losses I speak of cutting really just boil down to trying to be responsible and make sure the last three months of this rent get paid so our credit isn’t demolished and the landlord doesn’t try to come after me if he doesn’t pay when I leave. But I came to realize the other night, none of that matters. I went to stay with a friend and others I had the courage to reach out to helped put me in touch with resources that can be helpful during this transition. That said, I may have a place to stay for the next 1-3 months while I sort out work, etc. I haven’t got my things out of our place yet or talked to him about my plans, I’m keeping my distance and sanity for now. I suspect I will have to retrieve those things when he’s not around and make sure I have support and a couple friends by my side when I do it. Anyway, day by day. And aunt Fern was and is right, Jupiter! I’m beginning to see that now. Including all the walls I’ve built up to keep myself imprisoned. In the meantime, one breath and one day at a time. This is what helps me get through the tough stuff and also appreciate the moments of peace and serenity. Thank you for being here. Prayers and hugs to you both.
  Top
Posted: January 18, 2020, 9:55 PM


Posts: 57
Joined: January 12, 2020



Hopeful..

I recommend that once you decide to move on, you write a letter to yourself and explain EXACTLY what living in this current situation is like and what it is doing to you.

Once you break free, you may only remember the good times (especially as you feel lonely, and you will) and you risk sliding back into it. So write out the details of the day to day grind in this relationship, refer to that message often to keep yourself on track as you regain yourself... refer to that letter often.

If you and your SO are in a cycle of calm followed by crisis.. write that out. Because he may try to win you back with promises that this time he is different, this time he has changed. No one is going to change without years of effort, and a lot of counseling... it just does not happen.

You have your own issues to work on. There's a reason you ended up where you are now.. and the very best thing you can do is ID what led you to this spot.. baggage from childhood, low self-esteem/self-worth, poor understanding of who you are and what you want?? Take time to become more self-aware (and autonomous) so this relationship will be a life lesson not a life pattern.

I found the book "Crazy Time" to be helpful. It was recommended to me as I went through my divorce.. it talks about the dynamics of doomed relationships and the typical battles someone faces the first year or 2 they pull themselves out of an unhealthy significant relationship.

Good luck to you! Sounds like you are on your way and you have some real world friends, and forum friends to help keep you on that path.

  Top
Posted: January 19, 2020, 12:09 PM


Posts: 255
Joined: December 23, 2018



Jupiter, I was thinking - can you swing the rent on your own? If so, you could go to court & ask for a restraining order & that would get him out of the house & should legally prevent him from harassing you because if he continues to call/come over/text you after a RO, he would face criminal charges. Restraining orders are not just for physical violence, they are for anytime something makes you feel in danger & with drug use, you do not know if he will snap & assault you. Throwing things, breaking things, threatening you & getting aggressive enough that YOU had to leave the situation qualify
  Top
Posted: January 19, 2020, 12:24 PM


Posts: 363
Joined: November 16, 2017



Wow, Jupiter, great comment from your aunt!! It can apply to so many things.

Hopeful, please listen to your friends. You DESERVE BETTER>
  Top
Posted: January 20, 2020, 1:00 AM


Posts: 55
Joined: December 17, 2019



Thank you for your kind words of encouragement and positive suggestions everyone. Unfortunately, I cannot afford the place we got together on my own. I did think of taking a loan but friends have agreed that it’s probably safer for me to find a new place and let him keep the house for the remaining 3 month lease. I’ve been avoiding the conversation I need to have with him to avoid him altogether. Going to check out a temporary option for housing tomorrow. I’m hoping I have a better idea of which direction I’ll be going then. It’s been one hell of a week. Just trying to take things day by day and trying to maintain sanity. It’s such an uncertain time and I’m grateful this forum exists. It’s been such a crazy ride. Thank you, thank you, thank you friends- your reflections help keep me grounded.

This post has been edited by Hopeful11 on January 20, 2020, 1:01 AM
  Top
Posted: January 20, 2020, 8:25 PM


Posts: 57
Joined: January 12, 2020



Keep us apprised on how its going. Good luck to you.. breaking free is the hardest part, but you will do it!
  Top
Posted: January 20, 2020, 10:05 PM


Posts: 55
Joined: December 17, 2019



Thanks Jupiter! Here you are helping me stay sane and so much is going on with you. I have read your threads by the way and my heart goes out to you. I haven’t been able to respond because I feel like, what do I have to contribute? . I’ve said it before, I can’t imagine what you’re going through with your daughter. I know you want the best for her and your grand child. Honestly, reading your shares help give me strength. You having a child go through addiction and the convern you have for her and your grandchild, I’m well aware that in spite of how difficult my situation has been, any of the crap I’ve been dealing with pales in compassion. I know this isn’t apples and oranges, it’s just helps me continue to not take for granted what the universe has laid in front of my path, including all of you and your encouragement, Jupiter. Sending prayers and love your way.
  Top
Posted: January 23, 2020, 7:35 PM


Posts: 55
Joined: December 17, 2019



Hi all, wanted to give you an update. I just received a call today the: the job interview I had last week not only went well, I received an offer today and I accepted it! I start in two weeks. In addition, I found temporary housing. My partner doesn’t know, I have no desire to share with him that I got a job and that I’m leaving in order to stay safe and because he said he is unwilling to go back to program because he “doesn’t have a drinking problem”. It’s clear, I’m the one who has to go. Again, to stay safe in the interim, I have chosen not to tell him that I plan to move my things next week when he is at work. Once I leave I am going to tell the landlord I will pay my half of the rent for the next couple months directly to the landlord until the lease is up. I pray the A continues to pay his half. Anyway, I have to surrender the need to control the outcome and put my wellbeing first.

It’s all a bit overwhelming right now and I am also grateful that higher power is helping me through this process. This is just the beginning, I suspect I have a long healing/recovery of my own ahead of me, as I’m just beginning to unravel the mental and emotional trauma I have endured but I’m grateful. Just need to get over this part which when I stand back and look at it is nothing compared to what I’ve been through when he’s in the midst of a bender and to what so many other people have endured. So there is that. Thank you all for being with me through this challenging time. Sending you all prayers of serenity and peace.
  Top
Posted: January 23, 2020, 10:48 PM


Posts: 1648
Joined: June 27, 2016



Congrats! It is very commendable for you to be concerned about the rent and offer to pay your half. I ended up paying my son's back rent a few years ago because I felt that the landlord should not be the person who looses income bc my son is a jerk. And the man was kind and put my son's stuff in storage) I kind of think that some of us end up being in enabling situations because we are thoughtful, compassionate, etc. The other person takes advantage of our good nature. I had left my own home about a year ago for 2 months because my son would not move out and I could not let myself be taken advantage of. I am not able to say no. I didn't want to give but when asked for gas money, etc, I would think that I can do without so he could get to work. I was also an emotional wreck by then and desperately needed a break. It was peaceful to only be responsible for my own actions and to not be worried that he would show up at any time. He did not know where I was. At the time I had been let go from a temp job. I did find a new job within a few weeks and I have not told my son where I work. I do not want any surprise visits while I am at work. Luckily, he did move out, I came back home. He does not currently live near by and is not driving.

Please keep your new housing location and work location a secret. Lie if you have to. I told the company I work for, but it has several locations. I said I work at one of the other locations.

Enjoy finding the New You!
  Top
Posted: January 24, 2020, 5:23 PM


Posts: 55
Joined: December 17, 2019



NYtoFlorida, thank you for your kind words. I commend you for taking care of yourself and taking the time away from home that you needed to In order to care of you. It is equally inspiring that you then went out to find work and that you have kept the location from your son. I know for myself, in the midst of my enabling and inability to maintain my boundaries, I have often let my partner take advantage of me and my good nature. While continuing to pay my half of the rent will definitely put me in a financial bind for the next couple months, I feel like my sanity and wellbeing is worth it. And that is the most responsible thing to do. So there is that. Here’s to one day at a time and to all the things we have to be grateful for no matter how big or small.
  top of page  Top