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Message Board > Families / Partners of Addicts > Feel Sick

Posted by: Sallyanna May 6, 2019, 1:03 AM
Finally made contact today with my daughter. She wasn't returning my calls the past 2 weeks. Last I talked to her she was going back to detox then no conversation for 2 weeks. Today she sounded so drugged. Never had sounded like this before. Said she "just doesn't care anymore". Told me she's doing another drug now too in addition to heroin. Said she has 5 abscesses on her body. The whole conversation was bad news...This is the worst she's ever been. I told her to get to detox. She said she didn't want to try anymore. She's hanging around really bad people and said she doesn't care what happens to her. This makes me sick...

Posted by: sad eyes May 6, 2019, 2:30 AM
Sally Anne this must be heart wrenching for you, so sad for you and your daughter, when she is talking that she basically has given up, I really don't have any words of comfort or advice, only that I am thinkin about you both, just try and take care of yourself the best you can, has she said what other drug she has been taking?

Posted by: Sallyanna May 6, 2019, 8:03 AM
Thank you for your kind words sad eyes. I'm not sure what the other drug is.

Posted by: BugginMe May 6, 2019, 8:58 AM
I am so sorry you didn’t get good news. You must be worried sick. I know we aren’t supposed to help but sometimes you just can’t keep from it. Would she let you meet her somewhere and take her to detox or a hospital? Could you send an officer for a welfare check? Maybe they could call an ambulance for her. I don’t know much about heroin but sounds terrible.

Posted by: Sallyanna May 6, 2019, 9:15 AM
Thanks bugging me. She lives 9 hours away and I offered to come there and take her to detox. She said no she could detox herself if she wanted to (she can't she's tried before plus it's too dangerous). Her logic is really off in speaking to her and she's mumbling and rambling in her speech. I'd like her to come back to the area I live in and get her to the detox center she's gone to before. They know her and she knows them. She doesn't want to break her lease and I told her people break leases everyday. I can't talk any sense into her.

Posted by: samegame May 6, 2019, 10:01 AM
Hang in there Sallyanna. The fact she is talking to and seems to be honest with you is good.

And yes even younger adults can hang around with the wrong people. I see/saw it here. They constantly look for those with similar behaviors and attitudes. The want their habit/behavior validated.

The only thing you could do maybe is do research on the detox and rehab facilities in her area. Just forward them to her anyway possible. Even talk to them then give here a point of contact.

Just a paranoid word of caution. She might be very open to you as part of a sympathy play. I've seen the alkie/addict here say the doctors told him he had 1-3 years to live. He likes to talk about his medical issues in dramatic fashion unsolicited.

That being said I'd want to proceed with optimism too.

Stay Well!

Posted by: Parenting2 May 6, 2019, 10:07 AM
Wow, so sorry for your heartbreak. Just want to really, sincerely extend myself to you that this must be beyond devastating.

If you have her address, I would call the police and ask if they can check on her. In all honesty, I might exaggerate her comments on not caring to see if she could be involuntarily admitted. BUT, we all know, in the end, nothing we do really helps the downward spiral. I guess I would do it, just because it might stop it toss a cup of water on a forest fire.

Again, so sorry things are going so badly for you and her.

Posted by: Sallyanna May 6, 2019, 10:31 AM
Thank you parenting and same game. Even though she has her apt she is staying at these peoples place I don't know them or where they live. Just from some of the things she told me they are really really bad news. I told her she's putting herself in danger. She says she knows but doesn't care. Says she doesnt have a family and I'm no help. This is awful.

Posted by: YellowBirds May 6, 2019, 12:47 PM
Sallyanna - I'm so sorry that you and your daughter are going through this. Words are insufficient to describe the devastation. I just... my heart breaks. I wish there was something that could be done to make this better, but I know from experience that there is nothing you can do. As a parent, there is no greater pain. I struggle to 'accept' the unacceptable every day. It is the greatest struggle I've ever endured.

Samegame - I know sometimes our loved ones like to 'play the sympathy card', but I don't feel that is happening in this case. I just don't get that vibe from this. And though the manipulation is difficult to deal with (when it takes place), it is coming from a place of real desperation. I believe our loved ones DO deserve our empathy, despite the crude tools they use to obtain it. It doesn't mean we should give in to their requests, but I try not to lose sight of the reality of the desperation they legitimately feel.

Posted by: Sallyanna May 6, 2019, 1:06 PM
Thank you Yellowbirds. I think the only way she copes with life is being drugged. She thinks all her efforts in the past were for not mainly because her sober living failed so miserably. Then her friend OD'd which was very tragic. Her other friend who lives nearby (who never has had an addiction) has quit returning her calls. I'm speculating because my daughter lifestyle is so reckless and it's shocking to people who don't know what it's like. How do you make someone value themself? I tell her she is worth fighting for She is so gifted and beautiful.

Posted by: YellowBirds May 6, 2019, 1:10 PM
Sallyanna - I believe you when you say she's gifted and beautiful, and I'm honoured to have the opportunity to learn about her through you. You know what being the parent of a child with addiction feels like? It feels like a chokehold. Grabs you by the throat and doesn't let you go. I'm in the chokehold right now. Sending you a virtual hug xo

Posted by: YellowBirds May 6, 2019, 7:08 PM
Samegame - I hope my comment didn't come off the wrong way. I completely understand where you're coming from as I have been manipulated by my loved one before. I'm just in a place right now where my sadness is stronger than my anger. Truthfully, I prefer feeling angry. It hurts less.

I hope my comment didn't seem insensitive. It's not my intention. I'm lost. Just... lost.

Posted by: mtnmom May 6, 2019, 8:42 PM
Awwww Sallyanna, I am also so sorry!! My heart breaks for you & your daughter. Drug addiction is F***ED!!! I hate it, I hate what it is doing to our children & US!!! ((((((hugs))))))) my friend, I wish I could just sit with you in person.....

Posted by: NyToFlorida May 6, 2019, 10:53 PM
Sally Anna, I don’t want to scare u but the abscesses most likely need medical attention. Idk if they can heal on their own or need antibiotics. I think antibiotics are needed - from what I have read. Does your daughter have someone she will trust to bring her to hospital for the abscesses. Social worker.? Someone that can be firm enough to be sure to get her to hospital.? Maybe if u are able to go for a few days, stay at hotel. You wouldn’t have to tell her u are there initially. Can someone go with you.?

It is gut wrenching. If she comes home w you, u will ‘feel responsible ‘ to take care of her or be involved more than u want to be

Posted by: Sallyanna May 6, 2019, 11:04 PM
Thank you Yellowbirds, mntmom, and NTF. I live paycheck to paycheck and have no savings. My car wouldn't make it there Id have to rent one and I don't have the money to do so. I'm overwhelmed for my daughter and I don't know what to do.

Posted by: NyToFlorida May 6, 2019, 11:18 PM
I feel awful we are all going thru this. I thought it was rough months ago when son was at home. Now it feels just as bad or worse. I haven’t talked to him or seen him in two months. He has been at hospital for about 3 weeks. Warning - he went in on methadone that he was going to clinic for about 2 weeks before hospital. His dad brought him to hospital, he was threatening suicide. Admitted into psyc floor. They kept him on methadone and added other meds. We don’t know what. But now he is medicated and no where to live or work. (He should have checked into detox and rehab - but he didn’t want to) then when psyc floor wanted to discharge him and we would not let him home, he went to rehab at same hospital. Still they have not detoxed him.
For 6 months all we wanted was for him to go to hospital. Now it is worse - because he keeps doing it his way.

Even though he was at this hospital for detox and rehab a year ago no one decides he needs detox. They let him decide what he wants to do. *** he is not able to make medical decisions about himself!!

Posted by: Sallyanna May 6, 2019, 11:32 PM
It just makes me sick what our children and we are going through. Everyone of us has a sad story. Everyone of us love our child and hate the addiction and what it does to them and to us. Its horrible and it's cruel.

Posted by: NyToFlorida May 6, 2019, 11:38 PM
It was good for me to detach from my son for a few months. Now I am starting to have momma bear feelings. Worried about how he is feeling. Does he have enough clothes. Is he so medicated that he won’t remember anything. my husband and daughter have talked to him. He seems to be saying the same stuff as before he went to hospital - he just wants to get out and get a job - he can’t stay where he was before. The whole ‘city area’ that he would have to live in is not a good area. Of course no car. He would be with more horrible people. 30 minutes away and we can’t be his parents. Sallyanna, reading about your daughter seems similar to my son. The day his dad brought him to hospital he got a call from insurance company. He told dad he was going to get life insurance and make dad the beneficiary. I do believe he has a problem w depression that he can’t put on his big boy pants. But i think if he gave recovery a good chance he could get through it. Like your daughter, he feels he has no family - he dwells on the people who are deceased. Now mom and dad have turned our backs while we have nice home, bed, food, jobs... it is starting to upset me.
On the other hand, all we wanted is for him to not do drugs. He does not have to be an amazing person. Just stop doing drugs.

Posted by: NyToFlorida May 7, 2019, 12:00 AM
A few weeks ago my daughter - who lives in another state - was talking on phone to a friend of son’s. (Somehow contacted because of situation. Daughter is not friends w sons friends) The friend and another friend went to look for him a few weeks ago bc they were worried. It was before the hospital. She said he was so drugged they couldn’t tell what he was on. And they are off and on users.

On one hand I feel like kicking him out made his life worse. It did not make him stop and take a good look at himself. Or, if he did, he decided he isn’t worth it.

On the other hand, living at home with us enabling was not slowing down the drug use. There’s no way for him to live at home without also enabling. He was not responsibly using - he was not paying bill, was driving while impaired, and becoming more impatient and angry when we did not enable enough.

I know we can’t live like that. This does not feel good either.

he is at hospital until end of week. Counceller said they will try to keep him longer. And did tell husband we are doing the right thing. But... idk if they will tell us if he stays or gets out.

Posted by: Sallyanna May 7, 2019, 12:13 AM
This will sound awful but I think it's true. Dealing with addiction is like pattycaking with sh#t. Things get moved around and changed but in the end it's still sh#t. Sorry if I offend anyone Im just really upset and hurt and PO'd and sad and frustrated and angry. I hate addiction.

Posted by: NyToFlorida May 7, 2019, 12:20 AM
I’m not offended. Sad. Tired. Defeated. Gonna try to sleep......

Posted by: aunt worry May 8, 2019, 10:06 PM
so sorry, sallyanna. i hope your daughter heals from her abscesses. it’s all so heartbreaking-all these people who’ve lost so many days of their lives-so much potential in them not being realized.

just found out my nephew noah used alcohol and pot 2 nights ago. he did go back to NA last night and got his beginners chip (again). today he took a friend of his to the hospital for burns suffered while the friend was huffing. like your daughter, my noah is smart and kind. we just don’t see it nearly as much as when he is clean and sober.

hang in there-wish i could help all of our addicted loved ones...

Posted by: NyToFlorida May 9, 2019, 8:10 AM
Best wishes for Noah. Hope he stays on track.

Posted by: Noodle May 9, 2019, 12:17 PM
Hi Sallyanna,
I too am so very sorry for what you and your sweet daughter are going through. Sucks so bad. I will continue to pray for all of our beautiful children. I will never stop.

One thought, if you want to know where your daughter is, the police can ping her phone. I am not sure if they can where you live, but maybe you could call them and find out. I would be desperate and no matter how crazy a thought might be I would have to try.
The reason I know this is, my son spoke suicidal thoughts to his girlfriend and turned off his phone for 3 days when I called the police to file a missing persons report he asked his phone number and they could ping it. They cannot ping if it has been off for a long time, but if texts go through it would be on.

I also want to say something else. My son relapsed big time in February. We kicked him out and he lived in his car. He used so much that he told me his arms were sore. I was sick, but then he had had enough and checked himself into treatment. She might just do that too, if the cops come she might just be sick of how she is living and change her mind. I feel like she might realize how much people care when she sees the police that she might go with them willingly. They also might be able to take her without her permission if she has any drugs or paraphernalia.

I am sorry if these thoughts are crazy. I just feel for you and have to put myself in your shoes.

I hope you find her and like I said have prayed for her and hope that she gets the help that she needs.


Posted by: Sallyanna May 11, 2019, 9:42 AM
Thank you Aunt Worry, NTF, and Noodle. I appreciate your caring comments and suggestions. In the past, my daughter would get to a low point and put herself in detox and treatment. This was when she lived close to me. Then, she moved 9 hrs away to a sober living which failed miserably. She is in a very large city and even though she put herself in detox once she checked out and now is just not doing well at all. I plan to contact her again and try to talk her into help. I have complex PTSD and when it comes to her in these difficult situations my mind just freezes and I'm overwhelmed by it. The.whole thing is very sad.

Posted by: Sallyanna May 11, 2019, 11:52 AM
My daughter called me this morning asking me to help her get help. We talked a good while and are working on a plan together. This is good news. I hope she will stay motivated to get the help.

Posted by: NyToFlorida May 11, 2019, 5:51 PM
Good News Sallyanna. You may talk about detox 10 times before she goes in. so keep talking. If you haven't already, call someone at the detox place to see what she needs to do or if someone can talk to her. and maybe get someone's name and phone number to give to your daughter. maybe if the names become familiar, she will start to feel comfortable about going.

Posted by: sad eyes May 11, 2019, 6:54 PM
Sally anne that is good news, baby steps one day at a time, good sign she is asking for help

Posted by: Sallyanna May 13, 2019, 6:25 AM
Well....after we talked our plan was to work on a few details and talk again in an hour. She had one task to do. I called back in an hour and she had not done the one simple task. Said she would do it and call me back 'soon'. Never called back after I called her answer. Did not hear from her on Mother's Day.

I'm not doing this anymore.

Posted by: sad eyes May 13, 2019, 6:10 PM
Sally Anne sorry to hear this, she just can't seem to put the first foot forward, it's making hat first step, sad as they don't realise how much it impacts us to, or they do and there just to consumed in themselves, there drug becomes are drug, I hope she does get the help she needs

Posted by: slim shady187 May 14, 2019, 8:46 AM
Im so sorry to be reading all 16 or so days clean an African male from South Africa and im still struggling but detox really helped me and the support my mums being giving me is really helpful..cant think of anything to say to you right now that can make your situation alil better or make you feel better but I know that its all on the user if you've had it with drugs then you've had it.I have been using for more than ten years and its been ten years of hell,I feel like God has given me a second chance at life and I feel so so free..yes I am afraid but I know that the only way I can stay clean is to not use again...people and places I know all my triggers and I use my mum as some sort of guiden-angel.I tell her everything and use her as my own therapist an it helps me a lot. Please just hang in there for her sake try to stay strong...we have a saying in Africa' it gets really dark before the sun rises...I will be praying for you and your daughter-God bless.

Posted by: Sallyanna May 15, 2019, 11:39 PM
Thank you sad eyes and slim shady. I appreciate your kind words. I'm a pretty strong person however this has really shaken me it's really too much. I don't feel qualified to handle this...

Posted by: sad eyes May 16, 2019, 12:36 AM
Slim shady well done on your clean time, you are going well, and you must of got s really good relationship with your mum, that is good, especially when you say she is near your therapist,my son is in so called recovery, but not sure how much he is struggling, I always want to ask him so much, but really I feel a bit awkward, never sure if it would set triggers or just really feel awkward, I wish he would talk to me more, if I do ask I really thyhe is honest with me, but he has always been a man of few words, anyway good luck on your recovery

Posted by: Sallyanna May 16, 2019, 8:26 AM
Slim shady congratulations on your sobriety and I'm happy you feel free now. Sounds like things are going really well for you. After 10 years of addiction what was the turning point that made you want to do the work to be sober? If you feel comfortable sharing that with us it would be great to hear. Thank you

Posted by: Alexandra’s Mom May 21, 2019, 6:19 AM
I am so sorry that you are going through this. My heart just broke as I read this. I don’t have any words of wisdom to give I just have positive thoughts and prayers for you and your family.

Posted by: #momfail May 22, 2019, 12:56 AM
SA, I'm so sorry to hear this news. It's so hard to stay strong, isn't it? I have no advice to offer. Prayers, hugs, a shoulder if I lived closer, but that's about it. I hope your daughter digs down and somehow finds the will to heal. Addiction sucks.

Posted by: mtnmom May 23, 2019, 12:12 AM
Sallyanna - I'm so sorry. So sorry - I know those are empty words, but know I definitely understand. My son is such a shyster, scam artist... I am so hurt, so angry, so disappointed that I DARED to hope - hope that THIS time would be a good time. It wasn't, he was released May 6 - he was re-arrested today & they added felony charges.... it sucks, he sucks, I suck.

Fool me once - shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me

Posted by: Sallyanna May 26, 2019, 10:13 PM
Thank you all for your kind words. After a week or so my daughter has called the last 2 days crying. Her beloved pet was attacked by another dog and she saved him by jumping on the back of the much larger and stronger dog and hit him in the head and kneed him in the throat and he released her dog. It traumatized her dog and her. She took him to the vet and he's going to be okay. She's raised him since he was a pup and he's 9 now. They adore each other and he's her emotional support dog. I'm so happy he's okay