New Year
Posted: December 24, 2009, 7:33 PM

Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008

It's Christmas Eve and I can't believe I am not stone out of my mind like I have been for the last 25 years. I feel different. I was kind of sad all day because I cannot be with my brothers on this day. Christmas is not the same when you don't have any members of your family near you. I will call my brother in Alberta a little bit later tonight. He's alone. It breaks my heart. I hope he enjoys the gift I sent him. I cannot wait to see him in 3 months. I just can't wait! We have so much fun together. When it's time for me to come back home, we are both sooooooooo sad.

Hubby gave me a beautiful pair of pearl earrings tonight in recognition of my one year sobriety. i thought that was so nice of him.

I also wrapped a little gift I bought myself to celebrate my anniversary. A beautiful ring with an onyx stone! I rock!

I lite a little red candle beside the picture of my beloved puppy and also a green one beside a picture of my Mommy in heaven. She would be soooooo proud of me.

Posted: December 30, 2009, 6:31 PM

Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008

YES! I did it! Today, I am celebrating my one year free of pot! One whole fat long year without any drugs in me! I cannot believe it! I remember soooooooo much this day one year ago when I decided I'd had enough of marijuana, thinking how sick and tired of having my life ruled by pot. I was the most happy person when I knew I had it. I was desperate to always get more. I never had enough. I smoked it day in, day out! I bought pot instead of anything else.

Oh my God, I cannot believe I haven't bought any in one whole year. All day, I felt different and I kept asking myself why was I feeling this way. Then, I remembered. Oh ya, that's right, I haven't smoked pot in one whole year. I rock!

To be honest, i never, ever thought I would be able to stick to my decision not to smoke pot anymore. I remember those first few weeks and months when I honestly thought I would die if I didn't have a joint! I mostly remember how physically sick I was when I first quit. Thanks to the people I met on this board, and the encouragement I received from them to stick to my decision. My little Cleo---what an angel. She has always, always been there for me. And then there is AliceP who I truly derived inspiration from with her encouragement and support when I most needed it. What would have I done without these two precious people.

How in the heck did I go through my last day with my puppy without smoking a joint. I don't know how i did it. I truly don't. I guess we have strength inside of us that we don't know we have.

So, what have I gained from not smoking pot this last year? Well, the first thing I will say is that I am a much, much, much happier person. I also know that I don't need pot to live and go through the ups and down of what life brings me! I have done beautiful things in this last year. I have read more than I have ever read. I've bought myself things I always wanted. I went on a trip to visit my brother whom I had not seen in four years. And today, of all days, I got my passport in the mail. This means I will now be able to go visit my other brother in South America whom I have not seen for 16 years. I will be able to see one of my nephews whom I've never seen and my little niece whom I've also never seen. This is now my new goal for the next year. Going to Brazil! If i still smoked pot, i would not even be able to think of attaining such a goal. All my money would be going into buying pot instead of putting it away to go visit my family.

This being said, I know darn well i am not yet out of the woods with this stupid pot thing. The next year will be just as hard as the first one, i know that, but at least, i know how i will feel when another year goes by and i will be able to say...i have not smoked pot in two whole years. I hope never to smoke it again.

Thank you Mommy in heaven for being there when I prayed so hard for you to help me.

I love me!
Posted: January 30, 2010, 8:57 PM

Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008

Well, well, well! I've gone without pot in my body for more than a whole fat year. YES SIR! I am celebrating my 13th month today, free of pot. Feels great even though some days are harder than others. Weekends are especially hard but I try to keep busy in order to keep my mind off of it!

Who would have thought!!

I realized last night that I don't talk about my recovery to many people. For the first time last night, i had to share a bit about my decision to quit pot and surprisingly, i found it quite hard to do. I started shaking and it was very emotional for me! I guess it made me realize how hard it has been, how hard it is and how i will always be an addict no matter what. It is just one minute away from me. I can see how easy it would be to light a joint up! Boy am i ever fragile. And yet i thought I was strong, that i would be able to say no to it anytime. I'm just fooling myself, i guess.

This being said, i thank the Lord and my mommy in heaven every single day for being there for me and for giving me the courage not to smoke pot again. I don't ever want to go through the withdrawals and the pain I went through the first couple of days i quit. Man, i thought i was going to die. I have never, ever been so sick in my life!

What i find most difficult about not smoking pot is continuing to live without it! Life goes on and i just got to go threw it with or without pot. I guess i was so used to smoking pot before, whether i was happy or sad, that having to go through the ups and downs of life today without pot in my system is something i just got to get used to and most importantly accept!

I wish i would never, ever, have started the darm thing in the first place. I often question myself as to why i in fact ever started smoking it! The answer that always come to me first is BOREDOM. I was bored with life and everything and pot was a way out of this boredom. I also know i am a person who likes instant gratification. When i want something, i want it NOW and pot sure gave me something right then and there! The thing is that I got sick of that feeling it gave me!

I am much, much happier today without pot in my life!

This post has been edited by Fleur on January 30, 2010, 8:58 PM
Posted: February 13, 2010, 8:21 PM

Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008

I'm feeling a little weird tonight. Don't know why. Maybe cuz its the weekend. Even after more than a year without pot, i still find weekends hard. Its like i'm missing something. I used to love weekends cuz that meant i would be able to smoke pot my little brains out without having to worry about going to work the next day. Not that work ever stopped me from smoking my little brains out.

I've been reading and hearing alot of people sharing lately on their experience with pot. Some of these people have quit 3 weeks ago and others 20 years ago. When I hear the people who have just recently quit, man does it ever bring back souvenirs. I remember the pain i went through, all those days and weeks when i thought i was going to die if i didn't have a joint. It also reminds what a long way i have come. To this day, i cannot believe that i gave up pot. In my heart of hearts, i think it is my greatest accomplishment however. I am so glad that at 51 years old, i don't have to be a slave anymore to drugs. I know this is my greatest accomplishment. I am proud of myself. This being said, i feel like i just quit yesterday. I don't recognize that this again is another goal i have achieved in my life. Instead of fighting it, i should just accept the fact that i have quit pot and that is that! But no, knowing me, i got to make it hard, i got to cry and whine abit about it! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I hardly tell anybody that i don't smoke anymore. I just keep it to myself. Maybe that is why i still find it hard to deal with sometimes.

One thing i do know however is that i, me, myself, in my little heart, like myself a whole lot better.

I don't know how i lived with all those panic attacks for so long. Stupid me never thought it was cuz i was smoking so much pot. That damn thing did stuff to my brain that we just can't imagine. I guess I have to keep it out of my life in order to realize all the harm it did me emotionnaly, spiritually, physically, financially, name it!

Thank the Lord i found the strenght to quit it.

I'm feeling a little bit better now. I should come here and write more often!

Bonjour Maman in heaven!
Posted: February 26, 2010, 8:01 PM

Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008

Hey, hey! I'm celebrating my 14th month without any pot in me this weekend. Way to go Girl!

And it's beautiful outside. I love this time of the year. It feels like Spring around here, my favorite season and in a month exactly i will be visiting my brother at the end of this country. We will be together for two whole weeks and we will go and spend a couple of days in the beautiful province of B.C. I can't wait to see my brother again. We have so much together. I love him to death.

I cannot believe I am capable of going on this trip again this year. It will be the second year in a row that i go and visit him. Before that, i hadn't seen him in four years cuz i just never had the money to go. I spent my money on pot instead. Man did i ever spend money on that crap and what did it give me in the end. Oh ya, i did have some good times while i was smoking pot. But now that i know what it is to be straight, nothing feels better.

For the first time tonight, i had to go where i used to pick up my pot from my dealer. Weird. It felt really weird being there again. I can't say i didn't think about all the times i had been there to meet him. I sure did but i didn't feel sad being there for another reason than having to buy pot. I didn't stay long in that place though. I didn't want to. I was too afraid of what i might do. Stupid me could have very well broken down and call him just to see if i could score a deal. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
I don't ever that to happen again.

So, I bought myself a real good book tonight to celebrate my 14th month free of pot. I started reading it and it sure looks good.

I've bought so many beautiful things for myself in the last year.

Sometimes, i think i'd liked to write about my recovery and my experience of the last year. I think it would be fun and help me pursue on this beautiful journey.

I love you Mommy in heaven. Thank you.

I miss my puppy.
Posted: March 30, 2010, 1:57 PM

Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008

Ok, life is beautiful I say! I just got up and the first thing I thought of was, hey today marks my 15th month anniversary without pot in my body. YES!

Who would have thought! I keep saying this because I for one am amazed at the fact that I haven't smoked a joint of pot in so long. Well, it's not that long I guess if I remember that I smoked the stuff every single days of my life for more than 25 years. But still. In my mind, 15 months is pretty good.

I'm feel so vulnerable though. Even though I haven't smoked weed in many months or lets say 450 days, I know it wouldn't take much for me to just light one up. Everyday is still a little battle. Perhaps I'm feeling this way this morning because I'm staying at my brother's and everywhere I look something reminds me of marijuana. I just put a piece of paper over the bag of weed he's got besides this computer. When I woked up this morning and went to the living room, I saw a joint in the ashtray. I took it out of there and hid it under the ashtray. At least, this way I don't have to see the damn thing. I was sitting beside him last night showing him pictures and all I could smell was the joint he was smoking. Ugh! This is the only place where I let myself be so near marijuana and that's because it isn't my home and I have no right to tell him not to do it in his house. Otherwise, I don't stick around people who smoke weed, I don't stay around if I see someone is rolling a joint. I guess I'm really stronger than I think I am if I can be so close to the stuff and be able not to touch it.

The thing is, I don't want to touch it. I don't want to be a slave to the damn s*** anymore! Been there. Had the t- shirt. And plus, I am soooooooooooo much happier without this drug in my life. Here I am on holidays, enjoying life, doing things, meeting people and still having fun. Who would have thought being straight could be interesting.

I feel so much better today than I did when I was smoking marijuana. That and the fact that I'm more relax has got to be the greatest difference between my life now and what it was when i used to smoke dope everyday. Smoking at least two ounces of pot a month hurt me financially. It is so strange having all that money now. As a matter of fact, I've always wanted a Swatch watch and today I think I'm going to buy myself a little gift and go shop for one of these watch that I've always wanted. I haven't worn a watch in about three years, but heck, its never too late to start wearing one again and especially one that I've always wanted. That will be my gift to me for not having smoked pot in 15 months! Go Girl!

Life is beautiful. I sleep well, I eat well and I'm happy!

Thank you Lord. Thank you mommy in heaven for being there for me!
Posted: April 2, 2010, 2:02 PM

Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008

The first thing I saw this morning when I woke up are 12 beautiful yellow roses on the table for me with a card. Awwwwwww so sweet. My brother placed them there for me last night while I was sleeping. The card is absolutely beautiful and so touching. What a wonderful thing to see first thing in the morning. I love my brother and I am so happy I came to visit him. Easter is my favorite time of the year and I am so glad I am here with him to celebrate it. I would not be here if I still smoked pot. I would be at the other end of the country, sitting in my little apartment smoking pot and spending more money on the s*** so I could have some for the whole weekend. Sad!

It's sunny this morning. I have been going to yoga classes all week. These classes are alot harder than those I go to back home. But I feel so great. I feel like i've been on a a little yoga retreat, that's how intense these classes have been this week. I'm so glad I started doing yoga again, I had given it up in the last years and mainly because i didn't have any money to pay for them and also because I was just too lazy to do anything. Smoking pot was more important to me.

Can't wait to go to beautiful British Columbia in a few days with my brother. It will be so much fun. The mountains are just so breath taking and nothing is more sweet and enjoyable than being in the hot springs surrounded by those Rocky Mountains.

Got to get some chocolate before I leave.

Posted: April 30, 2010, 5:21 PM

Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008



This made my day! It makes me as happy today knowing I haven't smoked any weed in 16 months as it did fifteen months ago when I celebrated my first month free of drugs! I guess each and every month that I will go through without touching pot will always make me as happy as the first month I went without it.

Who would have thought! Me the last!

It's friday! And today was not an easy day for me at work. I still get hurt at the least little thing and of course the first thing I thought of when my boss insulted me was how good a joint of pot would be at that very moment. How good a joint of pot would be satisfying my needs when I would come home tonight! Damn Fridays!

Last weekend, we had a party here and when I went to bed, I thoughT. Man, was this party ever fun. And then I realized that I probably thought so cuz there hadn't been any drugs around, nobody had to go out to smoke a joint. What a difference having party without any drugs around! I like it!

Mommy in heaven. What can I say! I truly believe you are taking care of me, giving me the courage to stay on this journey that I absoluteLY love. When I think of all the years I spent smoking pot each and every single day that I could, I don't know how I managed to stop this habit. But I did and I am the proudest person around. This is my own little private victory in life.

16 months! YES.

I wish my puppy was here.
Posted: June 3, 2010, 1:27 PM

Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008

Do I think I can resist this pot addiction all my life. Nope! So why didn't I come here and write when I celebrated my 17th month of recovery on May 30th? It's not that I had forgotten that it was 17 months since I'd had a joint of pot. It's just that I was at the lake and too busy the next day to come here and write. Holy macro. I would never have done that the first months that I quit. In fact, I couldn't wait to come here and write in my diary whenever I went through another month without weed.I can't get too smart about this recovery and think all is fine cuz it isn't.

There are still days when I crave for a joint. Yes, much, much less than in the beginning but still. I think I will always have these cravings for many years to come considering I had weed in my body for so long. 25 plus years is not a short time. How in the world did I go on for more that 25 years smoking pot day in and day out, every waking moment of my life when it was possible.

After being away from pot for 17 months, I can definitely say my life has completly changed. I am a much happier person and I actually enjoy living. I'm not so depressed and I live life to its fullest! I guess its never too late to do something good for oneself!

Thank you mommy in heaven.

I dreamn't of my puppy last night. First time in 10 months. I still miss him lots!

This post has been edited by Fleur on June 3, 2010, 1:30 PM
Posted: December 25, 2010, 5:41 AM

Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008

I haven't written in my recovery diary for so long. I don't really know why except it must be that I did not feel the need to. Tonight, for one reason for another, I wanted to come here again even if its only to jot down a few words.

Almost two years ago I came here for the first time. I was desperate for help and thought I would not live another day. This journey I had undertaken to a drug free life seemed impossible to me. I cried for three days straight when i first quit, asking the Lord what I had done to him to deserve the pain I was going through. I never thought giving up weed could be so hard. Today, i am so glad to say that in five days I will be able to say I have not touched weed in two whole fat long years. The last two years se have been the happiest years of my life and tonight, on Christmas Eve, someone who has been trying to quit smoking weed, told me I was their mentor. How sweet. I was truly touched by this. I never thought that one day I would hear such words because I one day got up and thought, this is enough, I don't want to smoke marijuana anymore.

I am proud of myself.

Thank you mommy in heaven .I think of you each and every single day.
Posted: October 7, 2011, 9:18 PM

Posts: 257
Joined: December 30, 2008

I haven't been here in so long. Why! Why do I do this to myself! Writing is good therapy. I should come here more often and write in my diary. I should tell myself more often how proud i am for not having smoked pot in 2 years and 9 months. To this day, I still can't believe it myself. Me, who used to get up in the morning just to smoke that joint. Me, who didn't want to go to bed at night cuz that meant I wouldn't be able to smoke a joint for a couple of hours. Me, the pot head, the addict, so addict!

There are days when I don't even think about the fact that I don't smoke pot anymore. But then there are days like the ones that just passed, where I swear to God, I truly believe if there was pot around me...I just might role myself a joint. Sometimes life just isn't fair. Sometimes, life is so hard. Sometimes, I don't know why the universe is throwing all this crap at me. All these situations that I can't deal with or I can't accept. Thank the Lord there are prayers we can do. Praying has always helped me in my life get over difficult situations. Sometimes when I pray I catch myself getting upset at Jesus, at my mom in heaven, at all my guardian angels who just don't seem to hear me, who don't want to help me, who aren't sending me what I want! Huh,...that's probably why I don't hear from them. Who says they have to send me what I want. Someone told me the other day that things are given to us not when we necessarily want them, but when the Higher Power is willing to give it to us! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, I've never been a patient person. I'm learning though to be one. Since i quit smoking pot, I am definitely more calm. I still have this stupid tendency though that when I want something, I want it now!!!

Not smoking pot is great. I really think it is! I don't need it to live and plus I wouldn't want it anyways. I've got enough trouble dealing with life without having to screw up my little brain with that stuff. Oh well, I guess I didn't know better in the past. The cravings are gone or should I say they are definitel less frequent. Its funny cuz when I see others smoking pot, my first reaction is always the same. Why do they smoke pot, I ask myself! I don't judge them. I just wonder whats the point of doing it! Weird!

But this is still a journey. I will never take for granted that I don't smoke pot anymore. I am just so happy that I am not smoking it today and I really don't plan on smoking it tomorrow either even though I will be celebrating my birthday!

Go girl!

I love you Mom in heaven. I miss you so much!
  top of page  Top