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Disease Vs Choice


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Posted: November 10, 2018, 11:10 PM
Sorry I meant NyToFlorida


Posts: 478
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Posted: November 10, 2018, 11:35 PM
There are many difficult aspects of addiction and one which is particularly hard for me is the self destruction. My daughter, like all the sons and daughters in this forum is a beautiful and really really neat person. She's creative and artistic, she's smart and kind. She loves kids and is caring and has empathy. Self love and self care is so important for them to learn. Really for us parents too. It's not being selfish it's having self respect and having healthy boundaries.





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Posted: November 11, 2018, 11:44 PM
Thanks for your support. I feel that in each week I am hopeful one day seeing positive things and then a few days later - not really. I think my hopes are so strong that I want to see the positive. today I realized my son might be using - self medicating w something like adderal - probably is what gave him some motivation last week. I noticed he is staying out or staying up late until early morning hours and then sleeping most of day - we're at work so not hovering. idk if he's using the Xanax. part of his normal symptoms are insomnia - so sleeping late means he wont sleep at night.
he is starting a new job tomorrow, hasn't been sleeping normal hours and at 10 pm went out to 'put gas in the car'. I'm not feeling well about it. I will be asking him to find a new therapist to talk to weekly. he left the IOP program he was in about 4 weeks ago.


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Posted: November 25, 2018, 10:17 AM
Well, another holiday at dysfunction junction. I realize today that I am the only person I can get out of "the life" as they say. My heart has been in my throat for the last 4 years, and it does not fit there. It hurts. But again, I am the only one who can release it...let it drop down and break into a million pieces, if that's what it takes. I am frightened now, but know I am only delaying the inevitable. Christmas will be different, but if I take a good, honest look at ME, I know not making a change only perpetuates a life of secrets and devastation. It is highly possible that at 36, my son may continue on the same path he is on now. But, it won't be with me on the same path, trying to show him by example that MY path is better. Yes, I know his brain has been hijacked, and he has a disease. But, if he refused treatment for any other disease, I would have to decide if I were going to watch him die from that also. It feels selfish to look out for me, but it lessens every day. Wishing peace to all, and gratitude for your fellowship. Libby


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Posted: November 25, 2018, 11:45 AM
Libby--

Just curious --do you get him Christmas gifts or have him over for dinner?

We haven't been in contact with our son for 6 months, but at Christmas, I always feel like I need to reach out to him or get him some clothes or food. His ex GF said he harbors resentment for us since he was 12 ???? Can't even go there or figure that one out since he always had a safe Christian home. He does have some bipolar issues we think? He may not even respond if I text him.

Anyway just trying to put on my happy face and get thru this time of year so my elderly husband and handicapped son can enjoy the Christmas season.

Hugs--Lori


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Posted: November 25, 2018, 1:44 PM
Libby thank you for sharing your post with us. It sounds like you are taking care of you. I don't know your story but I have decided to do the same with my daughter and as hard and painful as it feels i know it's the right thing for me to do. Thinking of you, Sallyanna


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Posted: November 26, 2018, 9:42 AM
Libby - my son is about the same age as yours. Through the years it has been an uphill battle to help him. I finally reached a point when I could do no more. It still feels selfish of me to let him go but I had to do it. It was very hard at first but has gotten easier over time. I still have bad times like holidays. We didn’t see, hear from or talk to our son at Thanksgiving this year. I have mixed feelings about that. I wish things were different but they aren’t. I am not sure things will ever be right again even if he were to get things together. How do you pick up the pieces and move on when lives are so broken. I read somewhere that a high percentage of people with personality disorders end up using drugs. I wonder if that was the original cause and it has just made things worse for him over time. I think we can talk about it, think about it, strategize, and even get counseling but in the end we can only do what we can physically and emotionally do to help them before we break into a million pieces. The trick is knowing when and being able to stop what we are doing before reaching that point. It’s all hard.

This post has been edited by BugginMe on November 26, 2018, 9:43 AM

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BUGS


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Posted: November 27, 2018, 11:31 AM
Yes, it is really hard, especially over the holidays! Only times we have heard from our 47 y/o addicted son is when he wanted money or help to do something and not always good things. Haven't heard from him since April when he wanted us to buy him a generator for an RV he was fixing up and going to resell. Said the other one was stolen. We told him that we would not and we were confident he would figure something out.

Over Thanksgiving his ex GF (who has been helping him with showers, clothes, food etc.) messaged me saying he was really depressed, but she thought he was drug-free. Feeling sad over the holidays, I text him and just said I was worried about him and wanted to know if he was ok. I got no response. I thought if he responded and was decent acting we would get him some clothes for Christmas. Once again my emotions won over common sense!

I will not contact him again and I will not get him anything! He has told his ex that his problems are because of us and he harbors anger from age 12???? Well, I understand now that he will never change and he always blames all his problems on something else. He has never accepted any responsibility for anything in his life!

I am resigned to this now and I will enjoy the holidays with those around me that love and appreciate us!

Lori


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Posted: November 27, 2018, 1:30 PM
Lori - My son didn’t respond to my Thanksgiving email either but there could be various reasons. I don’t know the whole story. Your son could be playing a game with his ex. She is helping him some and he is playing up his need by saying he his depressed etc. Who can tell? He is probably not doing it maliciously. Holidays and winter can be depressing though. I am a bit weepy today myself for no real reason.

I think around age 13 is when we become the enemy. Mine started using drugs about that same time. They blame us because they don’t like themselves. It is easier than fixing their problems. They tell others it’s our fault to make themselves look and feel better. They know in their hearts it isn’t true.

This post has been edited by BugginMe on November 27, 2018, 1:36 PM

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BUGS


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Posted: November 28, 2018, 8:57 AM
I have reached the point of searing anger and resentment toward my son. I grew up with a severly alcoholic father who could not hold a job, spent his days drunk or passed out. A good day was when we did not find him lying on the sidewalk on the way home from school. He, and my mom both got sober for the last 7 years of their lives, which was a blessing. But by then, the dye had been cast as far as molding myself to accomodate dysfunction. Just don't talk about it. Get over it, move on, believe, achieve........lemonade from lemons. In my heart I belived if I lived a decent life, raised my son without the fear I lived, we would dodge the bullet of addiction. Guess not. Now, I find myself like a child again, with a seriously addicted family member under my roof.....and a good day is when I don't find him passed out on the street. I keep the facade up for my granddaughter, but even she is reaching the point where this stuff is not adding up. I have the knowledge to do what is necessary, cut ties and walk away, but not the guts right now. Thanks for listening. Peace, Libby


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Posted: November 28, 2018, 9:50 PM
Libby wishing you peace and I'm thinking of you...Addiction sucks!!!!


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Posted: November 28, 2018, 10:34 PM
libby - I feel similar as you today. we found wrappers in son's room over weekend. I cant figure out when, where, how.... useless trying to figure it out... he seemed so well for 2 weeks. was it a slip over the weekend or has it been on going... Fear about getting a paycheck... disappointment... I too have been thinking about the person I was before addiction hit our family. I can barely remember that person. now I just want to go to work and go home and not be bothered by problems. I am not a depressed person. I have situational sadness. (LOL) I push thru, get the chores done. Luckily I don't have too much to do. I just feel a heavy weight... all of our efforts, problem solving, doing, fixing... wanting him to be better more than he does... it is not ours to fix, not in our control. for the first time I feel like a failure.

to add to the list.... we ate dinner together every night, I thought my children would learn by our example. I think we made it look too easy. my husband didn't want to disappoint them. always fun things to do and plenty of gifts on birthdays, holidays.

sorry to bring you all down. :(



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Posted: November 28, 2018, 10:37 PM
thank you all for sharing - every post helps to know we are not alone, and this will continue if we let it. Remember - if you keep doing it the same way, you will have the same results. That's what I need to focus on. Change what I am doing. It is so hard to get those wagon wheels out of the ruts!!


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Posted: November 29, 2018, 9:05 AM
I am so sorry that you guys are suffering! I have been in recovery for a bit over five years...I was 40 before my disease was in remission. There is always hope for recovery! As a parent myself I can only imagine how much it hurts to watch addiction consume your adult children. However, you can't allow their addiction to consume your life! It isn't healthy for you or them.

Lori, I read that your son said he was angry since the age of 13. Did he ever express to you what that was about? I know it probably seems ridiculous that he has been holding onto something for so long, but I know for me, hashing out some childhood stuff was instrumental in my recovery. I also learned that most of the things I was still mad at 30 years later, were actually me misunderstanding what was going on at the time. I think I always thought and interpreted things differently than most. While that was a blessing in my academic career, in life it was a disaster! It doesn't matter how your addict was raised....good Christian home or homeless atheist. No one is immune from addiction and you cannot addiction proof kids by stellar parenting. There are very successful and sober people who came from abysmal homes full of poverty and abuse who never touch substances and there are kids raised with love and privilege in spades and they become addicted.

I can't remember if this was the post regarding Christmas gifts for the holidays. Here is my take on gift giving in the context of addiction.

If you want to give a gift by all means do! Just remember that a gift does not come with strings attached. If you are sending a gift expecting something in return or are using the gift to leverage desirable behavior then do not send one. When we give gifts, they are gifts and we do not get a say in how the person uses the gift. If there is an expectation behind the gesture then at that point it ceases to be a gift!

A phrase I picked up in my recovery is "a resentment is an expectation in disguise". How true it is! When I get angry at someone it is because I expected them to do something the way I wanted them to do it and I would become resentful. I can absolutely curb my resentment by giving up unrealistic expectations of how I want people to do things. The only person who's actions and REactions I control are my own! I have also made it a point to be very clear about my wants, needs and boundaries. That way there is no misunderstandings and if there are, they can be easily and swiftly dealt with.

I'm sorry if this is not the right post....I am on a very temperamental mobile device so formatting is tough! I wish all of you a joyous holiday season!!!

This post has been edited by lolleedee on November 29, 2018, 9:08 AM


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Posted: November 29, 2018, 10:41 AM
lolleedee-

Yes, he did tell us what made him angry and said that he felt like we were trying to get rid of him when he was a teenager. He had shut down and wouldn't go to school. Got arrested for stealing an expensive violin from his high school music teacher. So, since he was a minor and required by law to go to school, we sent him to private school and he got suspended for spitting in teachers drink cup. So, we put him in a military academy, where he excelled and got A's and was on the team firing squad. It was an all-male school and after 1 1/2 yrs. he wanted to go to a co-ed military academy that his best friend was transferring to. We agreed and 6 months after he went there the school psychologist called us and said Chris refused to come out of his room and attend classes and we were just wasting our money cause he wouldn't even talk to the psychologist.

We went and got him and brought him home and enrolled him back in our local high school where he skipped classes and now he was 16. So, after we took him to a counselor and he refused to talk to her, we let him withdraw from school and he got his GED. Now he was 17 and we couldn't control what he did and he was totally noncompliant.

He moved in with several friends in an apartment with no education or job and the rest was downhill and history.

Looking back I am not sure if I would have or could have done anything differently. There just came a point when we couldn't give him direction for his life and he didn't want to change.

Now it is 20 yrs. later and we have been guilty of enabling him over the years thinking it would be the one time he would change and kick in. We don't enable anymore, but we thought maybe giving him some clothes and food for Christmas may at least let him know we love him. We don't expect any changes from him at this stage of life.

Hope you have a wonderful Christmas lolleedee! Love hearing from you!



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Posted: November 29, 2018, 11:18 AM
Until he gets to the point where he realizes that the choices you made as parents were
made out of concern for his well being, I fear he won't progress very far. I know a ton of my realization came when I had a child and realized that my parents did what they thought was best..as all good parents do. I think addiction has a huge biological component...there is something very different about the way an addict sees things and interprets situations. Even as a child I was very different.

I hope he finds a foothold in recovery eventually. What was his drug of choice? I have found through my interactions with other addicts that the worst long term damage in thinking comes from crystal meth and/or alcohol abuse. It seems that even after long term sobriety that the brain is permanently effected. I have hope for everyone. I never thought I would get out of the hell and now it is pretty far in my rear view mirror, though I do keep a close watch to make sure it isn't creeping back up!

I hope you are doing well and can find a way to enjoy the season!


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Posted: November 29, 2018, 8:57 PM
His DOC was meth and we think he was shooting it. I agree that it has a biological component. We love our son and we always will regardless of his life's choices. We pray for him every day and one never knows what his outcome will be, but we never give up hope!

Merry Christmas and hope you have a peaceful New Year.

Lori
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