I Need Help
Posted: January 23, 2017, 9:31 AM

Posts: 35
Joined: January 18, 2017

Nytoflorida - i am probably the most emotional person ever i doubt i could/would be able to go through with helping people again ,God was the only reason i was so strong throughout this journey
.i cry so quick and get emotional so quick ,its actually weird .i swear i would not be able to do anything like that ,glad you think i could thou:)
Posted: January 23, 2017, 2:00 PM

Posts: 38
Joined: January 16, 2017

Unfortunately once trust is gone and once we have been in it with them over and over, relapse and recovery, relapse again, it feels like we will almost always be questioning, doubting, etc. That is one thing I am asking myself right now. Would I ever be able to trust again? Even with all the love in the world, would our relationship every truly be healthy? Not easy questions...and maybe not easy answers either. :(

I would think you would see the withdrawals yes. There's not mistaking them, that's for sure. And 15 minutes in the bathroom is pretty long...but I'm sure since his DOC is heroin that you have seen and experienced what he's like when he's high, right?
Posted: January 24, 2017, 8:06 AM

Posts: 35
Joined: January 18, 2017

yes ive seen him high ,his like a slow motion zombie and his eyes are a hazel colour so i see the black pupil clear and i see when its extremely tiny and when his eyes go so far squint ,it would be clear when his using

now a days i cant tell the difference,his eye pupils are so tiny but then his perfectly normal

its so hard,i wish i could just test him why must he fight a test if his really clean ? right?

Posted: January 24, 2017, 4:24 PM

Posts: 38
Joined: January 16, 2017

Well as you know pupils don't lie. But also, trust your gut! I feel like we have gotten really good at ignoring our guts because we wanted to believe them, but don't ignore it anymore. Why doesn't he want to take a test? And if you are even wanting him to, there's a reason you feel that way. Don't ignore it! Your intuition is most likely not wrong. But then...if you ARE right...then what?
Posted: January 24, 2017, 4:44 PM

Posts: 529
Joined: October 15, 2016

i am just going to say this about tests, i wouldnt let be tested , I am sorry but i hate the idea let alone doing tests to prove if i am clean or not. Him doing those test probably means he loves you otherwise he would refuse, it is humiliating thing to do (to me)
can I ask you for how long he let you test him? I think he could be on opioid pills that is why his pupils are small but you cant see any drug paraphernalia ... you didnt find any needles, burned foil etc?
Posted: January 25, 2017, 2:09 AM

Posts: 35
Joined: January 18, 2017

he doesn't want to take the test because he feels he doesnt have to ,ive tested him only probably 5 times in 2years! of those 5 times i had to first only once did he do it willingly :(
no i didnt find foil or bottle caps like i use to.i dont know anymore

i feel like the only thing i can do is pretend that everything is fine,pretend his not an addict ,pretend i dont see it
Posted: January 25, 2017, 3:10 AM

Posts: 35
Joined: January 18, 2017

we argued right ,then i layed down and when i got up a call came through for and i asked him to speak to this people who wants to buy our car and while he was talking on the phone
his eyes......they were pin point tiny ,he was looking like he could shut his eyes any minute the way they were going all lazy and hazy and sleepy .i literally got on my knees and cried and begged him to tell me whats going on,i asked me to tel me what his using ,i wouldnt kick him out and i really wont ,i just want to feel apart of his world ,so i can know ok his using this and thats why his like this and then take it from there , its better knowing than not knowing anything right ?....

he looked at me and said his not using anything and he will get a place to stay soon because he thinks we should take a break.

he asked me if he should rather lie and say he is using ,so what the hell!!! his eyes are just f*ck'd up naturally ??!?!!

aaarhgh :( frustrated

he left this morning to work and we hardly spoke ,we sort of mummbled goodbye and i love you

he called me now at work and said he will leave before i get home,his going to a night shelter

do i let him go?
Posted: January 25, 2017, 6:04 AM

Posts: 2616
Joined: January 4, 2008

why do you need to know in the first place ? What do you plan on doing if he IS using ? Beg ? Threaten ? cry ? talk ? None of that is gonna matter in the least. In fact, your constant vigilance, hovering, understanding and questions would drive me straight out to the dealer faster than you could say please.

No one makes me take a test...no one tells me to stop using...and no one can make me go get help unless I want it....let go.

Go get help for yourself, get to a alanon or naraon meeting and find out how to take care of yourself first before you kill both of you.

This post has been edited by constantine on January 25, 2017, 6:14 AM
Posted: January 25, 2017, 7:54 AM

Posts: 35
Joined: January 18, 2017

sure ,thanks
Posted: January 25, 2017, 8:27 AM

Posts: 635
Joined: April 4, 2016

You asked. . .Do you let him go?????

My answer: How are you going to stop him?

Are you going to barricade the door? Grab his leg & hold on so he can't leave? Beg, grovel, cry, plead for him to stay? Change the locks on your house? Max out his cards so he can't move? Guilt him into staying? Hog-tie him? Sit on him? Slash his tires? Pee on all his valuable ish so there is nothing to move? (I hope you notice that all of this sounds degrading. It comes from "The Crazy Bi**h Handbook." BUT I will neither admit nor deny which if any/all of these things I have personally done in MY youth.. . or helped others to do. So. . .I get it.)

Here's the news: he ain't taking that test. And that's his right to say, "No." Apparently he has had enough and wants to take a break. That's his right, too. Besides. . . That sounds like a good thing for both of you. You've been taking care of him for 2 years???? From age 21 to age 23? Girl, it is time to let go. . .take a break. . .get some perspective. To do you. Remember, your relationship is only as strong as the sum of its parts.

If you were my daughter, I'd suggest that you take this hiatus as a very good thing!!! As a blessing. A gift from God. I'd tell you that you should be Snoopy dancing about it. You've got to have gray hairs & ulcers from all you've been through. Taking a break gives you an opportunity to get off this merry-go-round and catch your breath. To work on you. You've been hurt. . .your trust violated and love tested . As Con and other's said, go to some meetings. Learn to take care of you first. Find a therapist or minister. Keep coming here. Talk to your mom, siblings or close girlfriends. This situation does not sound healthy for you. . .(I've been trying NOT to ask. . .but I must. What are YOU getting out of this relationship???) Any ol' way. . .it is clear that you desperately want to stay in it. Ok. . .that's your choice. But PLEASE make this a win-win situation. Be properly armed & prepared so that you do not lose you in this battle/relationship.

Hoping and praying that all works out well today,

This post has been edited by hurtingmom on January 25, 2017, 9:25 AM


I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun.

I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair.

But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more.

In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved
Posted: January 25, 2017, 11:56 AM

Posts: 521
Joined: August 28, 2016

Well, I can tell you what happened to one of my addicted son's GF's after 3 years of living together.
She did everything for him and supported him financially as well. She loved him and I could see that-- but it was one sided! If my son loved her he didn't really show it, and if he did toss her a crumb, it was only temporary.
She confronted him repeatedly about his drug use and of course he always denied it despite many signs something was going on. He took tests, but altered them so always tested negative. It is easy to do!
She was 30 when they moved in together and within the 3 years started looking like a 50 y/o worn out woman. Her health deteriorated and she had panic attacks and worried he would leave her.

Well--he did and took most of her stuff as well!

I don't know your BF, but if he is using then you will only lose if you remain in this relationship! He is making the boundaries right now and it should be you! You would benefit greatly from Naranon or Alanon meetings. They can help you learn to set boundaries and take care of you. That is the only person you can "fix" and the only way you will be able to move past this relationship that is imploding!

Praying for you and for wise choices--Lori
Posted: January 25, 2017, 4:13 PM

Posts: 38
Joined: January 16, 2017

Oh girrrrl, I have been where you are!! I really have and I hated myself every second of it! You are in the place though that nothing I say will matter, at least that's where I was. :( Is he gone now? Did he move out?

I can echo what the others have said but I know what you want right now is someone to say "I get it!!!! I've been there!!" And I have, believe me. It's a really sh*tty place to be, really f-ing sh*tty. But you'll get passed it. You've got to ask yourself if this is how you want to live.

Hearing "you're 23!" sucks but you are very young yet...just can't help who you love though, right?

I guess...what do you need? What will help you get through this time? What do you WANT? For now and for your life and for the future?
  top of page  Top