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|Message Board > Families / Partners of Addicts > I Need Help|
|Posted by: Roc93hell January 18, 2017, 6:57 AM|
|We met while he was on the streets doing drugs trying to kill himself due to life just going wrong for him
I would give any person money or say no if they asked but for him …I bought him food and we chatted for a short while and moved along
However something about him just stuck and I prayed and tried helping him where I could
Months and months went pass where I put my life in danger looking for him on the streets ,or going to help him when he needed me
After all that ,he said he wants to come clean by that time I already loved this person whole heartedly
We asked his mother to let him come back home, I stayed with him and he went into rehab
After rehab ,he stayed clean for a year and relapsed
After that I found NA and we attended meetings and even I wanted to go because it changed my views and how I treated him…I tried harder and I know if helped him too
NA stopped ….we did regular drug tests and he refused some days and got angry because he said his not using
Then one day he was acting weird and then I wanted to test him and he completely refused and said he keeps getting accused and that he doesn’t want to remember the past
He eventually did the test and failed it
He said he used some pills for his back that had been paining for weeks which I was aware of but we have a strict no medicine rule and he said he only used pills nothing more
We living together now
He takes long in the bathroom
I keep looking but I don’t find anything odd
He is losing weight – he says its due to work and stressing about getting a better job and a place of our own etc.
He doesn’t talk about drugs at all and doesn’t want to either
I see his eyes go all hazy and lame and I ask him and he says Im always accusing him and he refused to take a test…..
If he leaves me he will go back to living on the streets as his mother doesn’t want him at he place
I don’t know what to do anymore and its making me sick
Its like his got this wall up and doesn’t want me to let me in…should I secretly test him? And then just live with it? that’s what im asking myself
|Posted by: hurtingmom January 18, 2017, 11:49 AM|
|Welcome Roc. I am so sorry that you are hurting and hope that you will let us help!
Hmmmm. . .he is in the bathroom long periods of time? His eyes are lazy? He's acting weird? Sounds like he is using. You don't need a test to tell you. You know in your heart of hearts. Perhaps you want to know what it is. . heroin? Meth? Coke? But. . .does it really matter? Addiction is not something that is cureable. . .or something he gets over. . .he was an addict when you met him. He apparently was a recovering addict for a while. And now it sounds like he has relapsed.
Please read the posts here. You will see a common thread. . .we all ask what should we, could we do to help our addicts. And . . .unfortunately. . .the answer is: Nothing! There is nothing you can do to help him. Remember the 3 Cs: you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
I'm sorry.. . But it sounds like he's manipulating and guiltying you into continuing to provide a roof over his head and keeping you in his life. Read and learn about addiction. Google co-dependency and detaching with love. Go to a couple of Naranon or Alanon meetings. Keep coming here. I'm not saying to kick him to the curb. But I am saying you should make an informed decision. If you decide to stay, create boundaries. Protect your bank accounts, credit cards, jewelry.
|Posted by: Roc93hell January 19, 2017, 3:35 AM|
|i know this isnt the place,but im thinking about suicide ,i just cant anymore really ive given up its been too long trying ,what are you suppose to do when you cant do anything :(|
|Posted by: Bonnie5 January 19, 2017, 7:39 AM|
|Do not say stuff like that, don't even think those thoughts , I am sure you have family of your own who loves you and would be devastated to loose you... why would you hurt yourself? Because of him? If he is using again and it does sound like he is even you killing yourself wouldn't change anything , drugs have this effect on us to make us forget all daily problems , emotional problems , drugs help us not to feel you see and not to face reality so person really really needs to want this change otherwise its easier not to do anything just flow from Monday to Monday, month to month and years goes by... time goes so quickly !
Do you have any missing money? Can you control where money goes ? Drugs are expensive so sooner or later he will start taking money from you or selling stuff et, typical addict behavior if they cant hold down job ... just pls be wise and protect yourself fro consequences, I mean never let him go and pay for mortgage or anything important , you do that stuff!!! I know its hard especially as you done so much for him already and invested in him but if you cant leave then protect yourself financially, dont let yourself end up on streets because money is gone and you trusted wrong guy.
|Posted by: Roc93hell January 19, 2017, 7:45 AM|
|im sorry i know i shouldnt be thinkin like this
i just need someone to tell me what to do
|Posted by: Bonnie5 January 19, 2017, 8:15 AM|
|thinking about you and situation you are in I would first look for one of those support groups , i dont know if you are in big city or countryside and if is anything like that available to you but if it is you should go and meet other people with the same problem as yours , they would have advice which measures to put in place and how to protect yourself ... I would Google that if I am on your place , Google first meeting , nearest one and if you dont like your group for some reason then you find another one until you feel comfortable to share / get help you need|
|Posted by: Bonnie5 January 19, 2017, 8:18 AM|
|whatever you decide pls stay around and keep posting, sharing problems can only help you and i know for sure we have here so many good people willing to understand and help
ps; I hate as well to talk about drugs, I refused every time any conversation ..i want to forget not to be reminded all the time .. for some people talking is no problem for some as me it is big problem, we are all diffrent
|Posted by: hurtingmom January 19, 2017, 9:03 AM|
|It's okay Roc. Please feel free to share what is hurting you.
I have been (and still am) in that dark, gloomy place known as Depression. . .I don't give a s***. . .don't really want to be here. Nothing really matters anymore. I'm not happy and don't see happiness or joy coming into my life ever again. I get it Roc. I get it. You and I are the poster-children for how addiction affects EVERYONE.
What to do????? Ok. . .here's my suggestions (in no particular order):
1) Run. . .do not walk to your doctor. Medication can be a beautiful thing to balance your moods and feelings. Or, at least it will correct any chemical imbalances in you. (I pop an anti-depressant every day.) If you don't have a primary care doctor, go to an urgent care clinic or hospital. Call the Suicide Hotline (800.273.8255). There is even an online crisis chat.
2) While you are there, ask for a recommendation to a therapist. Hubby and I were able to find one who specialized in addiction and helping families. We found her through our county's mental health association. Go and talk. Bare your soul to him/her. Share your frustrations, disappointments, fears, love and concern. I considered our therapist a paid-for friend.
3) Find a group meeting. Go to Naranon, Alanon, AA. . .anything that is a group. Addiction likes to play on the mind & heart by making you think that you are alone. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!! There are so many of us going through this. I found these groups were open and welcome. And it helped me to hear other's stories and get real hugs.
4) Right now I don't see how you can help him. It doesn't sound like you are in a place to help yourself yet. Sorry to be blunt. . .but right now you have a choice: to continue to fight his battles for him & lose yourself OR work on what you have control over. . .getting yourself together first. I'm sorry. . .but it is time to be selfish and self-centered. You are fighting for your life!
5) For me. . .I'd put his tail out, change my number and change the locks. This goes back to me vs him again. If HIS addiction is making me so crazy, depressed & despondent that I'm thinking of killing myself, he has to go. (I hear Beyoncé singing, "To the left, to the left, everything Is in the box to the left. . .") It sounds like you are more worried about him than yourself. He will be okay without you. Somehow he managed before you came along. . .and he will make a way now. Addicts are resourceful folks. He will find a way to survive, buy more dope and live. Can you break your addiction to him?
6) Bump the drug test. What's the purpose? You know that he is using. Addicts lie about their usage. So why spend the money? Play the scenario out in your mind. . .you test him. . .it comes up dirty. . .then what? Is he going to say, "I'm busted. Help?" Doubt it. Then what? How will testing him help you? Shoot. . .how will it help him?
7) Pray. Pray for strength. . .for comfort. . .for peace FOR YOU. And pray for him. Place him in God's arms and know that God can do anything but fail.
8) Keep coming back here. Keep posting. Keep sharing. We understand and are here for you.
I know that things seem very dark and like nothing is ever going to change. You may feel that the pain is so unbearable. . .that there are no choices. . . that the only answer is not to be here. But this is NOT your monkey. . .and this is not your show. It is his. YOU have choices. All is not lost for YOU.
Hang in there,
|Posted by: BugginMe January 19, 2017, 10:44 AM|
|I was very depressed over my son’s addiction because I was so involved with his everyday life. I was unable to separate myself from his problems and felt like there would never be an end to the unhappiness. I was feeling a bit desperate. What I didn’t understand was that it was his life and his choices that were making me unhappy. His problems had become my problems. I think when we feel trapped in a situation we become more depressed and begin to feel helpless. What you need to remember is that you are not helpless! You just need to do something to move yourself in a more positive direction. You can make yourself happier. You are not responsible for his choices or his life. You can’t let what he does destroy you. Make some changes…do things that make you happy…if that means making him go away, then that is what you have to do.
I did get a mild antidepressant prescribed by my doctor because I knew I had to change things but felt unable to cope with what I had to do. It was very hard to make the necessary changes in the beginning, but when I started separating myself from my son’s problems, my mental health improved. I am still struggling with the separation a bit but am doing more for myself and feel less controlled by him so it has been much better for me. I see things more clearly after putting some distance between me and what was making me unhappy.
Think of what you need...
|Posted by: Bonnie5 January 19, 2017, 11:06 AM|
|both of them gave you some great advice and coming from people who knows what they talking about I would listen to them if I were you! You are not alone ...|
|Posted by: Anxietyalive January 19, 2017, 4:10 PM|
|Hi Roc, I feel for you!! I have been where you are, EXACTLY, and in fact am just a little further down the road from you. Then again the road forks in so many places who knows? The people here seem very very nice, nonjudgmental, and wise.
I have also been in that suicidal frame of mind before. It's so hard to see around it. We'll get through this, just know that. In one way or another. I don't think you can chat privately here but it would be great to do so since I feel for you.
Keep posting ... Like I said, the people here seem amazing. We can do this!
|Posted by: Roc93hell January 20, 2017, 6:24 AM|
|thank you everyone,it really helps ,this helps,posting helps,i actually feel better knowing i have people to talk to.i feel like i have a plan now,thank you all for your advice,and i know each and everyone have to do whats right for you so i feel like this is right for me
heres what im doing ,im pretending that everything is A-OK ,Im saying i love you with a fake smile,with a broken heart,and his happy.but soon im going to take a test and if its positive for drugs ,im going to withdraw myself from his life
another thing........have you guys ever accused and suspected they are using but then the test comes out negative? then what ? doesn't that just kill you to know you keep accusing them and they really not using ? i feel this way right now.what if its me,maybe im accusing him of using and his not....?
you know he gets really sick like flu,headaches and very bad sinus...and i refuse to help him,because then i jump to : his pretending ,he probably just wants medicine' and after i see that he really is sick,it kills me to think that ive been the wrong one.
|Posted by: hurtingmom January 20, 2017, 10:14 AM|
|Glad you are feeling better Roc!!!! What fantastic news to wake up to.
Before you put all of your faith in tests. . .google how long different drugs stay in the system & can be detected. I know that weed is supposed to show up in tests for like 11 weeks but heroin only will show up within 2 days of use. So. . .if he used on Monday and you wait until Thursday to test, heroin probably won't show up. (My daughter's drug of choice is heroin.)
Also there are ways to monkey with drug tests. He can buy a flush kit which will mask or wash away the signs of all drugs. There are pills, powders and drinks he can take and within an hour or two will pee clean. He can buy fake urine or get some from a neighborhood kid. He can do a lot of things (with just a little bit of time, money & creativity) so that you won't get the true results.
Yes, my girl pee'd clean for a while. . .but she was using. The tests we can buy only tell us yes/no there is the presence of that drug. The drug tests that they have in rehab/detox test the amount or levels of the drugs in their system. One day my girl's levels were like 90 for weed and 120 for heroin. Two days later there was no weed but heroin was 190 and the next test showed no weed and no heroin. Even the counselor said these results could not be and knew she was using something to cover up.
I knew in my heart of hearts that she was using despite what the tests said. . . because of her behavior. She was also sleepy, sniffling, couldn't keep a job, always needed money. She also had the world's worse luck. Like, "Ma, my roommates were cleaning the fridge & threw out all of my food." OR "Somebody stole my phone & wallet. I need another." But she was calling from her phone number. OR "I was standing on the corner waiting for the bus when the police arrested me for prostitution." Oh. . .did I mention that she lived 1,000 miles away from me at the time? I caught her in lie after lie, too. "Ma, can I use Uber to go to an AA meeting?" She ubered her tail to a pawn shop.
Yes, I denied for a long time that she was still using and in the life bc of what the tests said and what she said. (I remember thinking that MAYBE the meeting was next door or even on the same block as the pawn store. OR MAYBE her roommates did throw out her food. Oh. . .the things we do for love!!!) I was an ostrich, putting my head in the sand and being oblivious to what my 5 senses and pocketbook were telling me. I wanted to believe that she was clean and sober SO BADLY!!!! I wanted to believe her!! I tried to understand her addict logic that 2+2=22. . .but try as hard as I could. . .I finally had to face reality.
I'll be blunt. . .again. . .I'm sorry. . .I've gotta ask so that YOU have clarity. Why do you not trust what your eyes are telling you? Why are you going to put your life in the hands of a test that HE can manipulate? I'm just asking. . .
Sending hugs & prayers,
|Posted by: NyToFlorida January 20, 2017, 1:49 PM|
|hurtingmom - your memories touched me. tears in my eyes. it hurts but also brings some kind of closure to know the truth. crazy how we want so badly to believe that they are just making mistakes, and we can help them fix it. we hang up the phone believing what they say, yet confused by what they say. That should be the major red flag.... if it does not make sense, then there is a lie lurking somewhere. months or years later, I see a notebook or receipt or something that verifies that what I thought was a lie, was. Then, I realize that (he,she) knew exactly what they were doing and lying about. All they needed was me on the other end of the phone to manipulate. This knowledge helps me to heal the wounds. Knowing that I did not cause the destruction or the mistakes. It was their doing and they knew it at the time. Also knowing that it was the addiction that pushed them to the lengths to tell the lies and use us for money. knowing that I did my enabling part in good faith because I never stopped believing in them. Even though you stopped enabling, you did not stop believing in J and being her number one cheerleader!
( I hope my words dont make you feel worse - let me know if they do, sometimes I cant tell)
my daughter was more outlandish in her behavior. my son cost us more $$.
funny story - my daughter actually called me once when she was living 1.5 hours away - to ask me to bring her cigs - bc she ran out and didnt have $$. said she would jump in front of a train! she seriously thought I would drive there. I did not.
another day - we actually did this! lol - she took a bus across town to look for a job. she got on the bus to go back, but forgot to get a transfer to another bus and got off the first bus, and did not have $$ to get on another bus. she called us. we could not figure out how to get her from one side of town to the other - she only needed a few dollars for the bus. she tried asking for change on the street. it was after dark, getting late. we did drive there to pick her up and drive her across town to where she was living, and then drive back home. while she waited 1.5 hours for us, she ate dinner at a restaurant and when we got there, we had to pay the bill. !!
another - she and her roommate were high and drunk and got into a fight and beat each other up. and she did not know why and they both said the other was lying and psychotic.
to her credit, she did get out of this and has be clean for 3.5 years.
|Posted by: hurtingmom January 21, 2017, 7:27 AM|
|Thank you for worrying about me NY. I never know what the day will bring but for today I'm in an ok place. I'm coming to accept that she took some bad s***t that would have taken down an African elephant. There was nothing I could do to prevent that. Your words could never be wrong bc they come from your heart, through the lenses of your experience & peppered with love. Thank you.
You described the turmoil we go through very well. Wanting....needing to believe our addict....desperate to believe....yet confused by their stories....I know that after a few months I started to hear in my head her say, "once upon a time" before she started. Lol.
And then the doubts we beat ourselves up with....and sometimes they use to manipulate us.....maybe THIS time S/he is telling the truth. The mental & emotional gymnastics I played with myself over this: am I abandoning her or saying No when she is telling the truth or trying to get clean & really needs me? We never know for sure. But it is hope and love that keeps us on their gerbil wheel of addiction.
It is soooo easy to get sucked into their madness. To focus on them & their needs and lose ourselves. How have we helped out addicts if we lose our sanity....drive ....and are tired? She was driving me CRAZY...cray cray...cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. For her entire life...22 years (in counting time in uterine) if someone asked me to pick between her and me, I would have said her. Hands down. No doubt. Take an arm...need a leg? The tough part was making the decision between Addict J and stressed out, suicidal, crazed me...and choosing me!!!!
|Posted by: gratefulforAlAnon January 21, 2017, 2:10 PM|
|For someone to tell you what to do is not possible. Only you can decide...
You are in charge of only 1 life and that is yours. He is not a child and you are not his mama.
Some definite helpful things to help YOURSELF are got to AlAnon and listen to what others have done, take care of yourself (posting here was a start), and DETACH emotionally.
That is what addicts seem to be able to do best to those of us who are caring and loving and want to help. We get caught up in their sickness and don't do what's best for ourselves. Those are his choices to do as he does and you want to control and change the outcome. In a large part its all about control of anothers life. It takes away from having to face our own issues and fix ourselves.
|Posted by: duchesschama January 21, 2017, 5:04 PM|
|It is so true that we get caught up in their addiction and want to change them and make them become the person we want. Problem is we can't change them --only ourselves. Difficult to do because as moms we are programmed to nurture and love them. The craziness starts when we don't know when to stop nurturing them and then it becomes enabling, because they should be doing and managing their own life! It left me in disbelief!
The hardest part for me was realizing that he loved his DOC more than us and he chose that life over a life with us. I was looking for excuses for his choice, because I just couldn't understand how he couldn't see the love and caring we had for him and all we had done for him over the years.
Being on this forum has opened my eyes and made me realize that nothing we do or say will change him and it was up to us to make changes if we ever wanted free of his drama, lies, and blame. I know now the importance of taking care of us and letting him go!
I still have times when I miss him and I have to remind myself that the person he has become is someone else that I really don't even know anymore. I haven't heard from him in a month now and I have no idea where or who he is with. Last I knew he was still living in his car with two dogs and basically homeless at age 46. When I am driving and see a homeless beggar on the side of the road, I find myself looking to see if it is my son. How sad is that????
In all honesty, I have to say that I feel a big relief not having all his BS and lies. His texts and phone calls before drove me to tears and I couldn't even talk to him anymore. He has evolved into a person I don't know, don't recognize, and sad to say wish wasn't my son.
The only thing I have left is to pray for him and let God take take over.
|Posted by: Roc93hell January 23, 2017, 3:28 AM|
|good morning everyone
thank you all for your replies
my partners a heroin addict ,he was.when he relapsed he did "unga"
and then 3rd time it was pain killers
how can he be using if his with me 24/7? we go out together,we live together,the only time we are not together is when he goes to work and uses the bathroom
he works as a driver ,with 2 guys,one of those guys is my brother inlaw and he helped me many times to go look for my baby when he was on the road
so he would say if something is up
but how is it possible for him to be using if his literally right under my nose?
he asked me this weekend,how can be using if i have all his money which is true,i have his bank card,i have access to everything ,and because he wants me to have everything
if he is using ,would i not see the cold turkey over the weekend when he doesnt go out? wouldnt i see the withdrawal .wouldnt i see the craving? and wouldnt he be in a state if he goes the bath room and comes out 15 min later,wouldnt it be written all over his face? would the place smell?
am i losing my mind????
have i become so obsessed with this that its making doubt him?
|Posted by: Roc93hell January 23, 2017, 3:41 AM|
|i know exactly how you all feel ,i was there looking for him late at night,meeting drug dealers,seeing people who i asked for help shoot up in front of me,i watched myself get so deep into this that i started believing that everyone i met needed help i become so well known on the streets ,people used me for money left right and center.sometimes i gave in and sometimes i said hell no,im not going to let my money be the reason for your overdose and death
im 23...23 years old,never did drugs in my life ,was never a party animal,i was just a kid ,im still just a kid and after this experience it opened up my eyes....to a whole new world,suddenly i saw every one and everything ,i still wonder why God chose me,why i had to meet my partner that day ,why he kept playing on and on in my head
through out this whole journey i saw miracles happen right in front of me and i think this is one reason why i cant bare to lose him to addiction
|Posted by: NyToFlorida January 23, 2017, 9:19 AM|
|thanks for sharing. I have these thoughts. That you should think about social work or councilor as a career. also at the same time, learn the right way to help. Learn how to help without loosing yourself. Look into Community College in your area. there are certificate programs and single classes to get started in the field. look on line for job postings that have something to do with rehab centers. see what qualifications they are looking for.|
|Posted by: Roc93hell January 23, 2017, 9:31 AM|
|Nytoflorida - i am probably the most emotional person ever i doubt i could/would be able to go through with helping people again ,God was the only reason i was so strong throughout this journey
.i cry so quick and get emotional so quick ,its actually weird .i swear i would not be able to do anything like that ,glad you think i could thou:)
|Posted by: Anxietyalive January 23, 2017, 2:00 PM|
|Unfortunately once trust is gone and once we have been in it with them over and over, relapse and recovery, relapse again, it feels like we will almost always be questioning, doubting, etc. That is one thing I am asking myself right now. Would I ever be able to trust again? Even with all the love in the world, would our relationship every truly be healthy? Not easy questions...and maybe not easy answers either. :(
I would think you would see the withdrawals yes. There's not mistaking them, that's for sure. And 15 minutes in the bathroom is pretty long...but I'm sure since his DOC is heroin that you have seen and experienced what he's like when he's high, right?
|Posted by: Roc93hell January 24, 2017, 8:06 AM|
|yes ive seen him high ,his like a slow motion zombie and his eyes are a hazel colour so i see the black pupil clear and i see when its extremely tiny and when his eyes go so far squint ,it would be clear when his using
now a days i cant tell the difference,his eye pupils are so tiny but then his perfectly normal
its so hard,i wish i could just test him why must he fight a test if his really clean ? right?
|Posted by: Anxietyalive January 24, 2017, 4:24 PM|
|Well as you know pupils don't lie. But also, trust your gut! I feel like we have gotten really good at ignoring our guts because we wanted to believe them, but don't ignore it anymore. Why doesn't he want to take a test? And if you are even wanting him to, there's a reason you feel that way. Don't ignore it! Your intuition is most likely not wrong. But then...if you ARE right...then what?|
|Posted by: Bonnie5 January 24, 2017, 4:44 PM|
|i am just going to say this about tests, i wouldnt let be tested , I am sorry but i hate the idea let alone doing tests to prove if i am clean or not. Him doing those test probably means he loves you otherwise he would refuse, it is humiliating thing to do (to me)
can I ask you for how long he let you test him? I think he could be on opioid pills that is why his pupils are small but you cant see any drug paraphernalia ... you didnt find any needles, burned foil etc?
|Posted by: Roc93hell January 25, 2017, 2:09 AM|
|he doesn't want to take the test because he feels he doesnt have to ,ive tested him only probably 5 times in 2years! of those 5 times i had to first only once did he do it willingly :(
no i didnt find foil or bottle caps like i use to.i dont know anymore
i feel like the only thing i can do is pretend that everything is fine,pretend his not an addict ,pretend i dont see it
|Posted by: Roc93hell January 25, 2017, 3:10 AM|
|we argued right ,then i layed down and when i got up a call came through for and i asked him to speak to this people who wants to buy our car and while he was talking on the phone
his eyes......they were pin point tiny ,he was looking like he could shut his eyes any minute the way they were going all lazy and hazy and sleepy .i literally got on my knees and cried and begged him to tell me whats going on,i asked me to tel me what his using ,i wouldnt kick him out and i really wont ,i just want to feel apart of his world ,so i can know ok his using this and thats why his like this and then take it from there , its better knowing than not knowing anything right ?....
he looked at me and said his not using anything and he will get a place to stay soon because he thinks we should take a break.
he asked me if he should rather lie and say he is using ,so what the hell!!! his eyes are just f*ck'd up naturally ??!?!!
aaarhgh :( frustrated
he left this morning to work and we hardly spoke ,we sort of mummbled goodbye and i love you
he called me now at work and said he will leave before i get home,his going to a night shelter
do i let him go?
|Posted by: constantine January 25, 2017, 6:04 AM|
|why do you need to know in the first place ? What do you plan on doing if he IS using ? Beg ? Threaten ? cry ? talk ? None of that is gonna matter in the least. In fact, your constant vigilance, hovering, understanding and questions would drive me straight out to the dealer faster than you could say please.
No one makes me take a test...no one tells me to stop using...and no one can make me go get help unless I want it....let go.
Go get help for yourself, get to a alanon or naraon meeting and find out how to take care of yourself first before you kill both of you.
|Posted by: Roc93hell January 25, 2017, 7:54 AM|
|Posted by: hurtingmom January 25, 2017, 8:27 AM|
|You asked. . .Do you let him go?????
My answer: How are you going to stop him?
Are you going to barricade the door? Grab his leg & hold on so he can't leave? Beg, grovel, cry, plead for him to stay? Change the locks on your house? Max out his cards so he can't move? Guilt him into staying? Hog-tie him? Sit on him? Slash his tires? Pee on all his valuable ish so there is nothing to move? (I hope you notice that all of this sounds degrading. It comes from "The Crazy Bi**h Handbook." BUT I will neither admit nor deny which if any/all of these things I have personally done in MY youth.. . or helped others to do. So. . .I get it.)
Here's the news: he ain't taking that test. And that's his right to say, "No." Apparently he has had enough and wants to take a break. That's his right, too. Besides. . . That sounds like a good thing for both of you. You've been taking care of him for 2 years???? From age 21 to age 23? Girl, it is time to let go. . .take a break. . .get some perspective. To do you. Remember, your relationship is only as strong as the sum of its parts.
If you were my daughter, I'd suggest that you take this hiatus as a very good thing!!! As a blessing. A gift from God. I'd tell you that you should be Snoopy dancing about it. You've got to have gray hairs & ulcers from all you've been through. Taking a break gives you an opportunity to get off this merry-go-round and catch your breath. To work on you. You've been hurt. . .your trust violated and love tested . As Con and other's said, go to some meetings. Learn to take care of you first. Find a therapist or minister. Keep coming here. Talk to your mom, siblings or close girlfriends. This situation does not sound healthy for you. . .(I've been trying NOT to ask. . .but I must. What are YOU getting out of this relationship???) Any ol' way. . .it is clear that you desperately want to stay in it. Ok. . .that's your choice. But PLEASE make this a win-win situation. Be properly armed & prepared so that you do not lose you in this battle/relationship.
Hoping and praying that all works out well today,
|Posted by: duchesschama January 25, 2017, 11:56 AM|
|Well, I can tell you what happened to one of my addicted son's GF's after 3 years of living together.
She did everything for him and supported him financially as well. She loved him and I could see that-- but it was one sided! If my son loved her he didn't really show it, and if he did toss her a crumb, it was only temporary.
She confronted him repeatedly about his drug use and of course he always denied it despite many signs something was going on. He took tests, but altered them so always tested negative. It is easy to do!
She was 30 when they moved in together and within the 3 years started looking like a 50 y/o worn out woman. Her health deteriorated and she had panic attacks and worried he would leave her.
Well--he did and took most of her stuff as well!
I don't know your BF, but if he is using then you will only lose if you remain in this relationship! He is making the boundaries right now and it should be you! You would benefit greatly from Naranon or Alanon meetings. They can help you learn to set boundaries and take care of you. That is the only person you can "fix" and the only way you will be able to move past this relationship that is imploding!
Praying for you and for wise choices--Lori
|Posted by: Anxietyalive January 25, 2017, 4:13 PM|
|Oh girrrrl, I have been where you are!! I really have and I hated myself every second of it! You are in the place though that nothing I say will matter, at least that's where I was. :( Is he gone now? Did he move out?
I can echo what the others have said but I know what you want right now is someone to say "I get it!!!! I've been there!!" And I have, believe me. It's a really sh*tty place to be, really f-ing sh*tty. But you'll get passed it. You've got to ask yourself if this is how you want to live.
Hearing "you're 23!" sucks but you are very young yet...just can't help who you love though, right?
I guess...what do you need? What will help you get through this time? What do you WANT? For now and for your life and for the future?