Crisis Update
Posted: October 18, 2019, 9:26 PM

Posts: 1573
Joined: June 27, 2016

I am thinking about this stuff and didn't know where to post it....

I am feeling weird about my son's situation. he is at a local rehab, a faith based recovery organization. we have only had 1 10 minute phone call in 4 weeks. on one hand, I know he is safe and I am able to get thru my days without thinking about him too much. Sometimes I do think and wonder how he is feeling. but I know he cant be the man he is supposed to be if he lives we us and mom and dad are hovering over him.... It works for many people, but not for families impacted by addition. I know he has to be independent and learn to live without us. I know we don't have the tools to do that. the recovery organization has the tools to show him how to live a sober life. I want to be part of the good things in his life, but he doesn't need me now, he needs the recovery center. I do know that everything we have done to help and give him a happy life is not forgotten. He does know it and appreciate it, but he also knows that the way he lived before can not go on, and the way we lived before can not go on. so we are all better apart, even though we all had good intentions, we cant live together.

mainly the problem of enabling - he knows we will give him things and he knows now that us giving him stuff (car insurance, etc) did not help him learn how to live and take care of himself. he knows if he lives with us, he will fall back into the pattern. WE know our part of the enabling and we know we will enable if he lives with us. so, it is not in anyone's best interest for our son to live at home.

None of it is either party's fault. we all did what we did bc that's what addiction does and that's what parents do... some part of it is in my son's personality - wants to live like he did in college - doesn't want to grow up and pay bills or be responsible for actions - peter pan syndrome comes to mind.

Maybe my son's personality is one that needed a different parenting style. one that had more boundaries and less help.

One more thing - Getting thru the emotions does take time. After 6 months of our son being out of the house, I have gained weight back, I am more relaxed, not crying every day, not feeling like I'm living in fear. not locking closet doors, not hiding my purse and credit cards. not in financial fear.

My son called his sister recently on her birthday. he sounded happy. said the organization will find sober living home for him to go to where he can start working, he might stay where he is until December. we have a family meeting scheduled next week.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on October 18, 2019, 9:37 PM
Posted: October 18, 2019, 11:34 PM

Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018

I think you are doing great NTF and sounds like your son is on the right path. He is where he needs to be. I find your posts very inspirational...thank you!
Posted: October 19, 2019, 10:20 AM

Posts: 201
Joined: December 23, 2018

NY2FL - it is not a bad thing to feel relief with progress! You sound like a duplicate of me, like I see myself in you & your son's addiction. so hugs to you my kindred sister!
Posted: October 19, 2019, 10:47 AM

Posts: 1573
Joined: June 27, 2016

Hugs to all of you for reading and sharing and working on getting your life back!
Posted: October 27, 2019, 12:08 AM

Posts: 12
Joined: September 12, 2019

So happy for you and your son. There is hope now. 🤗
Posted: November 10, 2019, 10:39 PM

Posts: 201
Joined: December 23, 2018

NY2FL - How are things going? How is your son?
Posted: November 13, 2019, 7:48 AM

Posts: 1573
Joined: June 27, 2016

Hello, my son was doing well until it was found that he had his hair clippers in his room. They are not allowed, need to be kept at the office. He was discharged without finishing the program. He was there 2 months. He called me to say he was being discharged, they would bring him to an emergency housing place. Later after work we tried to find him and did not. His phone is not able to be turned on. He didn’t ask to come home. He counselor suggested we might want to bring him home for a short time. We have all said that it won’t work. When I told his dad, dad said ‘pick him up’, he can come home, etc... I guess I should’ve told his dad right away, but I didn’t want to ruin his day at work.

I don’t know what to feel about this. I didn’t tell his dad right away bc I was afraid he would be yelling about it and I don’t want to hear it. And I wanted to stay focused at work. So I waited until I got off work. I didn’t think his dad would say for him to come home. I thought we are supposed to keep him out. So I was wrong when he lived home and I enabled him, now I am wrong to not bring him home. I don’t like being put in the spot to make the decision, and then I’m wrong.

He is in the same homeless situation was he was when he left 6 months ago.

I didn’t sleep much, feel awful, have to go to work. Hopefully he calls us.

We went to and called the shelters, sent him email, tried texting.

I know he is probably ok, and maybe he went to the old spots and found drugs. And maybe he will call us today. I think he is angry about what happened and does not want to be around his father.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on November 13, 2019, 7:51 AM
Posted: November 13, 2019, 8:52 AM

Posts: 9
Joined: November 10, 2019

NTF please be careful because you have come so far. I think your husband forgot what life was like living with your son. I think he forgot too how badly it was affecting you and your health. As you know, they are very resourceful and he's likely somewhere familiar. I know the feeling of fear when they go homeless and the temptation it creates to want to bring them home. Then, I usually watch the show Intervention on YouTube and see all the chaos those families are going through and how everyone suffers. It doesn't help. He had positive choices after he was kicked out if he wanted to make them. I'm sorry you are going through this. It's hard.
Posted: November 13, 2019, 3:13 PM

Posts: 192
Joined: July 6, 2018

Ugh. Why do "counselors " say to take the AD back. Esp when the kick the Addicts for not following rules.
Stay strong.
Posted: November 13, 2019, 10:07 PM

Posts: 1573
Joined: June 27, 2016

Hello all, the roller coaster continues. I called the counselor this morning to find out exactly where he was dropped off. She said after talking to me in the morning, he decided to go to a shelter in NYC where there is another program that may get him to housing and job sooner. Sooo…. relief that he was not lost in our local community/city..

I'm feeling relief that this may be a turning point that he made an independent decision instead of coming back to our home where the same old stuff will play out. I'm sure he is not comfortable and it might be quite awful. he is not a city person and definitely not a shelter person. we hope whatever it is, it works out for him.

It is funny how in the last 24 hours I do not really know where my son is or how he is feeling. yet when I thought it was bad, I felt distraught. When I thought he is ok, I feel OK. yet his situation was the same. my perception of the situation makes me feel better or worse. He could be in a very yucky situation in nyc, but there could be a silver lining.

on the other hand, I saw no hope for him in the local city (to either be able to get on his feet or to not use drugs)

I am reacting based on what I have been told. I really don't know what situation my son will be in , in a week, month, or year...

thanks for listening!

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on November 13, 2019, 11:33 PM
Posted: November 14, 2019, 2:07 AM

Posts: 327
Joined: November 16, 2017

NY, what a stressful, awful situation. I can relate to the emotional roller coaster of being up and down, when the situation has not really changed. Last weekend, I had a mini-panic attack about some legal detail. Then, I realized I was not even right about what was going on. I hate that my moods are so tied to these crazy thoughts I have.

You did the right thing in focusing on work and not calling right away. We HAVE to do this for our own survival. It is never a good thing for an adult addict to move home. It seems a little harsh to kick him out for his clippers if he was clean. But, I know rules are rules.

It is a good sign that he did not call or reach out in terms of a change in focus. I hope NYC has a silver lining for him.

Take care of yourself. I am sorry that you and all of us have to endure this kind of stress.
Posted: November 16, 2019, 11:59 PM

Posts: 1573
Joined: June 27, 2016

Thank you all for the support.
Walkedon - lol - you are right. WE are supposed to use tough love and kick them out bc they make our lives unmanageable. then they kick him out - and suggest we should take him in for a short time bc a shelter wont be a good place for him. he was doing well - everything else about his progress and behavior was good - 6 months clean - (4 in jail - 2 at rehab)

our house is not a good place for him - there's no sober program, no transportation, no social interaction with peers, his whole existence at our house would be a bad reminder of failure - 24/7. I basically said that to the counselor.

so complicated in so many ways. I am trying to stay positive and not think about how miserable my son probably is. I wonder why he couldn't ask someone for a phone to at least text me a short message.... maybe there's nothing to say.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on November 17, 2019, 12:05 AM
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